The ad reads:
So my roommates all left because of a job thing and I need to make rent. I really think this place is great and I've been living here for a while (incumbency FTW!). I don't want to leave but the utilities are a real bitch to afford on your own. Some facts about the digs:
It's about 775,000 square feet. Yeah, it's big, I know. But don't let the size alone fool you! It's cozy too — lots of individual rooms!
Location, location, location. It's close to everything you could possibly want. The Botanical Gardens (they're temporarily closed, but don't let that stop you); the metro, and plenty of bars. The bars are important, because what else are we gonna do?
It's historic too! It was built in like 1800 something. Don't ask me the specifics, there's a plaque somewhere. Let's just say it's pretty sweet. There are plenty of cool things inside, like a giant statue of King Kamehameha I. It makes for weird midnight runs to the bathroom, but whatever.
Wanna know more just ask!
About you: Must be LGBT friendly. Must not be a Republican. Don't be racist. Don't hate women. Must think poor Americans are people.
Oh, and don't be an Eagles fan, because, gross.