upworthy

Tod Perry

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Comedians George Carlin, Jim Gaffigan and Joan Rivers

Laughter really is the best medicine, and there are a lot of ways to get your daily dose. You can rewatch an old funny movie that's been proven to get the job done, listen to a hilarious podcast, or goof around with friends. Maybe the most efficient way to really get yourself rolling, though, is to take in some stand-up comedy.

And while it feels like the true heyday of stand-up is over — the days of George Carlin and Richard Pryror — the truth is that stand-up is more popular than ever. That's thanks, in part, to Netflix, which drives millions of viewers to featured comedy acts, who then go on to sell out huge theaters for their shows.

Comedy is powerful, necessary, and relevant. In fact, Oscar Wilde once said, "If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you."

A Reddit user recently posed a great question on the AskReddit subforum: “What is a quote from a comedian you'll never forget?”

The post quickly went viral, receiving over 10,700 responses on the first day. Of the countless comedians mentioned in the thread, Norm Macdonald appears to be the most quotable.

Sadly, Macdonald died of cancer in 2021, but he was famous for his outlandish musings, delivered in a dry, deliberate tone. Macdonald is best known as a stand-up comedian, but he was also memorable on television as a cast member on "Saturday Night Live" from 1993 to 1997 and on his sitcom, “The Norm Show.” Two other deceased funnymen were often quoted in the discussion, Mitch Hedberg and George Carlin.

Hedberg’s comedy was based on short, memorable one-liners filled with absurdity. He passed away in 2005 from a drug overdose. George Carlin is often listed among the greatest stand-up comedians of all time and was a voice of the counterculture in the ‘60s and ‘70s. Later in life, his comedy evolved into a nihilistic criticism of American life that, for many, is still relevant today.

“It's called 'the American Dream' 'cause you have to be asleep to believe it,” Carlin said.

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedyGeorge Carlin is considered by many to be the GOATGiphy

Here are 23 of the funniest and most poignant quotes from a comedian shared by users on the AskReddit forum.

1.

"Every time you clog a toilet, you exceeded someone’s expectations." — Unknown

2.

"Everybody thinks they're a comedian. Especially in my line of work." — Norm Macdonald

This came from Macdonald's memoir, "Based on a True Story," a must-read for Norm fans. My favorite thing about this line is that it was a sort of random throwaway, almost an afterthought, as he was expressing disdain for a doctor who told a joke and got a big laugh from everyone else in the room.

And that doctor's joke? It was Macdonald's own moth story.

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedyRIP Norm MacdonaldGiphy

3.

“I’m not an adventurous person. I’ve only ever used one side of a cheese grater.” — James Acaster

4.

“I’ve started cooking with wine. That sounds so fancy, cooking with wine. What I do is I get drunk and I make rice. I tell my friends ‘come over, I’m cooking with wine.’ They come over, I’m drunk, and there’s rice everywhere.” — Kevin Nealon

5.

"What is it like to have four kids? Imagine you are drowning, and then someone hands you a baby." — Jim Gaffigan

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedyJim Gaffigan, the funniest lazy dad you know.Giphy

6.

"I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread." — Mitch Hedberg


7.

“Cocaine is God's way of saying you make too much money." — Robin Williams

8.

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'." — Bob Newhart

9.

“People say someone lost their battle with cancer. But if someone dies from cancer, the cancer dies too. I’d call that a draw.” — Norm MacDonald

10.

"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States." — Spike Milligan

11.

"When you are on fire, and running down the street, people will get out of your way." — Richard Pryor

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedyRichard Pryor: a legend.Giphy

12.

"I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic...in morse code." — Emo Phillips

13.

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." — Groucho Marx

14.

"I didn't want to be Drunk in Public. I wanted to be drunk in a bar. They THREW me into public." — Ron White

15.

"I know I'm getting older, my last birthday cake looked like a prairie fire!" — Rodney Dangerfield

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedyRodney Dangerfield don't get no respect.Giphy

16.

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." — George Carlin

17.

"When you got a career there ain't enough time in the world...when you got a job there's too much time." — Chris Rock

18.

"She had enough plastic surgery so that when she crossed her legs, her mouth snapped open." — Joan Rivers

19.

"Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in." — Doug Stanhope

20.

"I'm impulsive, but I'm also quite indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now." - Dylan Moran

21.

“So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.” - Mitch Hedberg

22.

"When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It's only painful & difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid." - Ricky Gervais


best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedyRicky Gervais dances in 'The Office'Giphy

23.

"The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while.

Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, 'Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?' And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, 'Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.'

And we … kill those people.

'Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real.'

It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride.

And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.

Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace." — Bill Hicks

This article originally appeared two years ago. It has been updated.

A heroic pizza delivery man.

A story out of Indiana shows a point that we often prove on Upworthy: even though some people out there do wrong, there are far more folks out there willing to do what’s right. Back in January, Connor Stephanoff, an employee for Rock Star Pizza in Indiana, braved his way a half mile through a snowstorm wearing sneakers and sweatpants to deliver $40 worth of pizza to a home in an affluent neighborhood. All he got for a tip was $2.

Officer Richard Craig, who goes by Officer Craig on TikTok, saw the delivery man’s incredible effort to get the pizza to the right home, recorded it on video and posted it to TikTok. His dedication astounded the officer, but he couldn’t believe how the young man was treated. “Look at this man. This man walked through hell and high water to deliver a pizza,” Craig said in the video. But he was shocked to learn how cheap the tip was. “Absolutely insane. Do better folks,” he said.

@officercraig $2 TIP SHOULD BE A CRIME! Whoever did this: #SHAMEFUL ROCKSTAR PIZZA HAS A ROCKSTAR DRIVER. (Brownsburg, IN.) This guy is a RARE breed. During today’s all day snowstorm, crashes and slideoffs were coming in near 30 calls an hour. This school bus had a minor crash. The bus slid backwards and sideways down a hill and gets stuck, blocking this neighborhood street, and making it completely impassable. The roads were so bad, it took us 20 min. to get 3-4 miles. THIS #DELIVERYDRIVER pulled up before officers arrived. The delivery was about 1/4 mile past where the bus was blocking the street. This young man did not allow this to discourage him. He didn’t call his manager to complain, he didn’t call the customer and tell them their $40 pizza order could not be delivered. Oh no. THIS MAN IS BUILT DIFFERENT. He would not be discouraged by the obstacles he was encountering, which included a 1/2 mile hike round trip in the cold, wet snow. He parked his vehicle at the top of the hill, got out, wearing grey sweats, Nikes, and NO COAT nor GLOVES. He grabbed this #RockstarPizza, and took off hiking thru the very cold, and wet snow with the pizza in tow. It was the beginning of his shift at 4:30p on a Friday afternoon, BUT he was determined this family got their pizza. This is in a more affluent neighborhood, and I’m sure he thought he would be rewarded properly for his RARE display of PRIDE and DEDICATION to his work- that is often times not seen by some of his generation. But more so, he wanted to ensure this family got their pizza to their door! So they did not have to leave the confines of their warm, comfortable, AND VERY NICE home. He got my attention as I see him walking in the middle of street after he made the delivery. I said outloud “what does this guy think he is doing?” As I initially thought he was a neighbor coming to “rubberneck” the crash. The bus driver told me he walked by once and was delivering a pizza. I didn’t believe that fully because what young pizza delivery guy in 2025 would do this??? None that I know! Not believing it completely, I hit RECORD and ask this young man. I was dumbfounded and in disbelief when he confirmed. But most of all - I was impressed- AND STILL AM! I’m proud to witness this firsthand. But my excitement and pride quickly turned to frustration when I asked him about his tip. WHO TIPS A GUY WHO RISKS EVERYTHING TO DRIVE FOOD TO YOUR DOOR LIKE THIS?? Let alone, gets out to hike it to you while every road was nearly impassable! I REALLY HOPE this algorithm is good enough that whomever DID THIS, SEES THIS! You should be ashamed of yourself whoever u are!! SHAME ON YOU. A $40 pizza delivered and a $2 tip! EVERYONE IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD CAN AFFORD IT. AND IF THEY CANT, STOP ORDERING PIZZA YOU CANT AFFORD! After processing he only received $2, and what I just witnessed, I reached for my own wallet. To PAY THE TIP FOR SOMEONE THAT PROBABLY MAKES DOUBLE MY SALARY. But I did not want this young man discouraged. Unfortunately my wallet was in my Tahoe, which was at the top of the big hill. I quickly as I could chased him down up the hill giving him the little cash I had in my wallet. (About $15) HE DESERVED MUCH MORE. Not sure who this guy is, BUT IF YOU DO, PLZ TAG HIM, SHOW HIM SOME ❤️❤️❤️ AND GIVE HIM THE RECOGNITION HE DESERVES! Well done sir.🫡#IncredibleWork #Rockstar #Brownsburg #Indiana #delivery #Driver #snow #PizzaGuy #pizza @Dave Portnoy #LifeLawAndFootball #dedicated #workethic @Pat McAfee Show Clips ♬ original sound - Officer Craig


How much should I tip for a pizza?

NerdWallet suggests that people tip a pizza delivery person the amount they'd pay for a regular sit-down dinner, 15% to 20%. However, it notes that you should add more if the pizza is delivered in poor weather conditions. So, in this situation, the people who received the pizza should have at least tipped $7, which is still cheap considering the weather.

The officer then posted a follow-up video (which has since been deleted) in which he gave a better look at the icy terrain Stephanoff had to walk through. He noted that he was in an affluent neighborhood where most people should be able to afford a decent tip, especially for a guy who went above and beyond.

pizza delivery, feel good stories, indiana, gofundme, local news, positive newsA pizza guy receiving a not-so-great tipPhoto credit: Canva

After the videos went viral, Craig started a GoFundMe campaign for the delivery man to reward him for his efforts and prevent him from becoming discouraged. “I witnessed firsthand the work ethic, dedication, and determination by this young man while I was on the scene of a crash during Friday's snowstorm here in Indiana," he wrote on the GoFundMe page. "He received just a $2 tip - from a home in a very affluent neighborhood."

“I ran to my police vehicle to grab my wallet to give him the little cash that I had (about $15) which I didn’t feel is enough," he added. "I would LOVE to raise at least $500 for this guy!" As of today, the fundraiser has earned over $45,575.

Stephanoff’s heroic effort to deliver a pizza earned him praise from his boss, Rock Star Pizza manager Ron Mathews. "He wasn't here in the restaurant; he had no idea people were watching him. But he got out, walked it to the house, and came back without any expectations,” Mathews told WRTZ.

Matthews told NBC affiliate WSAZ that Stepahnoff’s story is a reminder that many folks have it rough these days and to look out for one another. “Everyone is going through it tough. Everyone has it. It could be you. It could be the delivery driver. But at the end of the day, we’re all people," he said. "Just be nice to the next person."

This article originally appeared in January

Health

Doctor's unique 4-7-8 technique could fix your sleep problems instantly

Try this next time you're staring at the clock wondering why you can't sleep.

via Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels
The 4-7-8 technique can help you fall asleep.

Are you having a hard time falling asleep? If so, you're not the only one. Falling and staying asleep typically becomes more difficult as adults get older. We spend less time in deep sleep and REM sleep, and we struggle to fight off our worries and anxieties while lying in silence. Did you know there's actually a name for the phenomenon where you keep yourself awake by lying there and wondering why you're still awake? It's called "spectatoring" and it's incredibly frustrating.

Worse yet, the older we get the more likely we are to wake in the night and have trouble falling back asleep. This is why more and more Americans are turning to white noise, melatonin, meditation apps, special pillows, and anything they think can help them get most rest.

Fortunately, a doctor has shared the “most powerful” relaxation technique he knows, and it doesn’t require any equipment or cost a dime.


sleep, dr. andrew weil, fall asleep fast, relaxation techniques, breathing techniques, calm, anxiety, science, meditationEver stare at the clock and repeatedly wonder why you can't fall asleep? It's called "spectatoring." Photo by Mpho Mojapelo on Unsplash

Dr. Andrew Weil has dubbed it the 4-7-8 method and it’s backed up by science.

Dr. Weil is an expert in integrative medicine and the founder and director of the Andrew Weil Center for Integrative Medicine at the University of Arizona.

The technique is simple:

  1. Breathe in through your nose while you count to 4.
  2. Hold your breath while you count to 7.
  3. Exhale while you count to 8.

It's a unique protocol, especially when compared to another popular technique like Box Breathing. Box Breathing calls for an inhale, hold, exhale, and another hold of equal time (4 seconds). The extended exhale, in particular, is what makes Dr. Weil's 4-7-8 so original.

Here's Dr. Weil explaining his method:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Dr. Weil says the method creates a "very pleasant, altered state of consciousness" that you may not experience the first time but will come as a "reward" of regular practice. Dr. Weil insists that the 4-7-8 technique is a practice, and you must do four breath cycles at least twice a day to get the benefits. "After a month, you can increase to 8 breath cycles if you're comfortable with it," adding that's the "absolute maximum."

Dr. Weil says that 4 to 6 weeks of doing the practice can lower heart rate, improve blood pressure, digestion and circulation and can promote sleep. A study published in Physiological Reports agrees, saying that practicing the 4-7-8 technique reduces heart rate and blood pressure for several minutes. It's important to note, though, that research is limited on the longterm benefits of 4-7-8 and experts urge us not to overhype it as more than it is.

4-7-8 is also an easy, fast, and effective way to help you fall asleep.


sleep, dr. andrew weil, fall asleep fast, relaxation techniques, breathing techniques, calm, anxiety, science, meditationDeep, intentional breathing may jumpstart melatonin production, helping us sleep. Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash

"If you get up in the middle of the night for any reason, it is the most effective anti-anxiety technique that I've found,” Dr. Weil says.

Deep breathing, interestingly enough, has been shown to increase melatonin production in our bodies; that's the hormone that signals to our body that it's time to sleep. Combined with its ability to calm our mind and body, it's no wonder that intentional breathing exercises can put us to sleep in no time.

Why does deep breathing help us calm down and relax so effectively? There are a few reasons. First, when we're stressed or anxious, our breathing naturally becomes more shallow and irregular. Breaking that anxious breath pattern signals to our body that things are OK, that we're in control. Counting and being mindful of our breath also gives our mind something neutral to focus on instead of the usual chaotic images, intrusive thoughts, or worries. Third, deep breath settles down the part of our nervous system that controls our "fight-or-flight" response — and helps with elevated heart rate and muscle tension.

Remember again that 4-7-8 breathing is a practice. It can be used situationally to great effect, but for the best benefits its founder urges you to try it every single day for a cycle of 2-8 cycles.

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

Mel Robbins giving a TEDx speech.

One of the most disappointing aspects of life is that, at some point, everyone close to you will eventually let you down or fall short of your expectations. Some have slip-ups and fall short of what you'd expect, and some consistently let you down your entire life.

It can be deflating when people don’t show up when you need them, especially if you have been there for them. When you need people and they don’t show up, it feels like you’re carrying a burden that you can never get off your back. That’s why Mel Robbins’ two-word “Let them” theory is so powerful. It liberates you from constantly feeling controlled by those who let you down.

What is the ‘Let them’ theory?

Mel Robbins is a podcast host, author, motivational speaker, former lawyer, and author of The Let Them Theory. In the TikTok video below, she explains how allowing people to be themselves gives you the power to improve the things you can control, instead of suffering in the same cycle of expectations and disappointments.

@melrobbins

People can only meet you as far as they've met themselves... and a lot of them haven't done the work. Listen to The Let Them Theory, narrated by yours truly, only on @audible 💚 #melrobbins #letthem #letthemtheory People can only meet you as far as they've met themselves... and a lot of them haven't done the work. Listen to The Let Them Theory, narrated by yours truly, only on @Audible 💚 #melrobbins #letthem #letthemtheory

The “Let them” practice begins by acknowledging that others are imperfect and we cannot change them. “People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves. Most people haven't gone to therapy, they haven't looked at their issues, and frankly, they don't want to. Let them. Let your parents be less than what you deserved," she opens the video. "Let your family life be something that isn't a fairy tale. Try to remind yourself that they're just doing the best they can with the resources and the life experiences they have."

mel robbins, motivation expert, mel robbins podcast, let them theory, microphoneMotivation expert Mel Robbins.Photo © Cody OLoughlin (PR Photo)

While it can be hard to admit that some of the most important people in your life will never turn things around to your satisfaction, accepting that reality is the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. “But here's the important part,” Robbins continues. “Now that you know the 'Let them' theory, you get to choose what happens moving forward, because you're gonna focus on what you can control, which is what you say, what you do, what you value, and what energy you bring to the relationship.”

Put simply: Now that you allow them to be who they are, you can act accordingly. You can stop carrying the weight of unmet expectations.

What is the locus of control?

Robbins’ theory is a simple way of understanding the locus of control psychological concept. The locus of control is the extent to which we believe we have control over our own lives. When our actions, thoughts, and feelings are contingent on events (and people) outside of our control, we have an external locus of control. The healthy thing is to revert that to an internal locus of control, where we believe we control the outcomes of our actions. Those with an internal locus of control tend to be less influenced by others, work hard to get what they want, and report being happier, and more independent.

mel robbins, motivation expert, mel robbins podcast, let them theory, psychologyMotivation expert Mel Robbins.Photo via © Tony Luong (PR Photo)

“The only person you can change is you,” Robbins says at the end of her video. "When you say ‘Let them,’ you see your family exactly as they are, perhaps for the very first time in your life. They're human. You have no control over what's happened. You have no control over who they are. You can only control what you do from this point forward. Accepting the reality of your situation doesn't mean you're surrendering to it. Instead, it's about reclaiming your power to shape your future.”

Now that you’ve taken control of your future, what are you going to do with it?