death

In 2011, hospice nurse Bronnie Ware wrote the bestselling book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing, recalling the lessons she learned as a palliative care nurse. The big takeaway is that when people are in their final days, their regrets are about their relationships and how they failed at being their true selves.

Ware’s Five Regrets of the Dying:

1. "I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."

2. "I wish I hadn’t worked so hard."

3. "I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings."

4. "I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends."

5. "I wish I had let myself be happier."

An older man in his final moments.via Canva/Photos

It’s worth noting that when people are in their final days, they never wish they had worked more or complain that they spent too much time with their families. It seems that when we take a full assessment of life, what really matters are their relationships and experiences, not the car they drove or the number of digits in their bank accounts.

A group of hospital workers on Reddit shared their experiences with the final regrets of the dying, and they were similar to Ware's. However, their experiences are more dramatic because they worked with people who may have just had a catastrophic diagnosis or were in an accident, and their reaction to their final days came as more of a surprise.

Here are 13 of the most common regrets hospital workers have heard from their dying patients.

1. Some people are ready to go

"Some people just want you to let them go. I had a man with terminal cancer break down crying after his daughters left the room because they wanted him to 'keep fighting' and he just wanted to rest and pass peacefully. Learn when to let go."

"So often I see people who are ready to die but feel more tethered to their relationships with others rather than their relationship to themselves in pain. It creates a sort of stagnancy in their transition that I think prolongs their suffering."

2. Some have no one

"He was one of my first patients as a nursing student, named Frank. He was 92. After knowing him a few days, he disclosed to me his regret was outliving everyone he loved.. that he and his wife hadn’t had kids, and he was 'all that was left' and that he wanted to see his wife again. I wasn’t sure how to respond , so I just listened... and it made me realize how living so long isn’t great if everyone you love is gone. He passed away later that week, and while I distinctly recall some of my classmates being upset, I felt relief for him. I knew he was where he wanted to be. I’ve had many patients since, but you tend to remember your first ones."

A doctor checking on a man receving oxygen.via Canva/Photos

3. They regret how they treated their children

"He wished he had been a better father to his daughter. He wished they had reconnected. His dementia prevented him from remembering they had reconnected years before and that she visited often. I wish I could have made him aware that he had accomplished his last wish. But he died not really understanding that."

4. True love to the end

"I worked in long-term care for 12 years. I remember a married couple that shared a room. She had cancer and kidney failure. I was helping her eat lunch one day, with her husband sitting there with us. She looked like death, but her husband looked at her, then at me, and said Have you ever seen a more beautiful woman? I had to leave and go to the bathroom and cry. I cried for days every time I thought of what he said."

5. They regret not having the chance to live

"I worked as an oncology nurse right out of nursing school. I was barely 21 years old. Had a patient about my age who was dying of lung cancer. A few hours before he died, I sat with him and he was telling me how much he wished that he had had more time, maybe fall in love, marry, have kids. He was so young. He asked me to call his parents, and he died shortly after they arrived. It was awful. His regrets were more about the life not lived."

6. ER patients don't want to be alone

"In the ER, it's not something most people see coming when they arrive, but it's usually the same regret when they are coherent. They all wish their family was there. Or they cry out for their SO in a panic. It's gotten to the point recently where we tell them 'SO is right here with you.'The look of relief on people's faces just hearing that gets me every time. People just want to not be alone at the end."

"In a confession subreddit, a dude confessed how he was with a man, during his last moments ( he crashed his truck in the roadside, op was behind him, called the urgencies). As op was waiting the ambulance, even hearing it, the man asked after his wife, where she was, that he wanted to see her. Op tried to comfort it the best he could, saying she was on her way. The man died when the ambulance arrived. Sometimes after, op looked after this man, on social networks. He found out that this man's wife was already passed. And that he said to the man that his late wife was on her way."

Firemen help a motorist in a car crash.via Canva/Photos

7. People regret what they didn't do

"It's very likely that no one ever said, 'I wish I let my life pass by,' or I wish I had been a passive observer in my life.'"

"I second this, worked in hospice for about 5 years."

"More specifically people regret not spending more time with family, spending too much time with the wrong people, and not having children. There are plenty of regrets about not going skiing, not learning a different language, not going dancing more etc...but the majority of regrets are related to relationships with other people."

8. Eat the cake

"AEMT here most patients that I see in my ambulance are too sick to talk in these cases but one sticks with me. A mid-40s male called us for chest pain, put a 12-lead on, and he was in the middle of a massive heart attack( for those that know the term, he was throwing tombstones). The sad part was that he had medical training, so he knew that it wasn’t good. We were screaming to the hospital he looked me dead in the eye and goes, 'I should have ate that f****** cake'when I asked what he meant he told me 'F what others think if it makes you happy do it, eat the cake, pet a squirrel, take a nap. F anyone else it doesn’t matter.' He crashed shortly after we got to er, didn’t come back."

9. I still have growing to do

"'Not yet! I can't die yet. I still have so much growing to do. I want to see my children and grandchildren grow up...' I am a physician trainee who has done a decent amount of palliative care. I have been privileged to hear many stories and be part of many deaths, but I still can't explain why it is that certain lines remain with me and hit me so much harder. The gentleman who told me the line above was in his late 60s to early 70s. It made me reflect on how I view patients in this age group - yes, much older than myself, but still with growing and living to do."

A woman in her final moments.via Canva/Photos

10. They miss their pets

"I had a patient who I was in the room with when her doctor explained she only had a few weeks to live. I knew her well, spent quite a bit of time talking to her up to the news. The days that followed, she seemed to have accepted she was dying. She lived this beautiful, independent, and successful life, maybe not money successful, but just plain happy. Anyways, when I was helping her to the tub on day 10 since receiving the news, she just broke down crying and couldn't stop crying about how much she wished she hadn't put her dog down b/c they could have died together. Come to find out her dog was on his deathbed too. I guess she put her dog down a few days before going into the hospital, she knew her life was over so she put him down first. She hated herself for it and for the fact she blew the opportunity for them to spend their last moments together. Really heartbreaking to watch, to hear that unfold."

11. Should have been more positive

"I shouldn't have spent so much energy on negative emotions / hatred as the things that made me angry now seems completely trivial and I wish I spent my time being more happy and positive in life."

12. The dying reveal their true selves

"You'll find out who they really are when they are dying. Kind, mean, chill, blaming. Just keep asking them to tell stories. They love that."

"I spent a fair amount of time with this man during his last weeks. It’s pretty amazing how different of a person he was just a few months later. Before, he was arrogant, obnoxious, prideful, skeptical, and pretty self-absorbed. He was not a fun patient. But in those last weeks - his whole ego had dissolved. All that was left was just... him. The real him. Or at least it seemed that way to me. The man spent his life working as a writer/reporter for a large political website. He was a very liberal man, and he told me that his biggest regret was absorbing himself in politics."

13. The dying want closure

"I’m a chaplain in hospitals and hospices. Doing everything we can to reconcile people before they die is a large portion of my work. I have a lot of stories. Regrets naturally are expressed at the end of life because people want to close their narratives and they are reflecting on everything they’ve lived. This isn’t scary or heartbreaking, it’s natural and a way to end things with beauty. The important lesson isn’t to focus on the regrets, it’s to live a life now of love, acceptance, and mending bridges because you don’t know when it’ll be your time to tie loose ends."

The stairway to heaven. via Canva/Photos