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5 things I didn't want to hear when I was grieving and 1 thing that helped

Here are my top five things not to say to a grieving parent — and the thing I love to hear instead.


In 2013, I found out I was pregnant with triplets.

Image via iStock.

My husband and I were in shock but thrilled at the news after dealing with infertility for years. And it didn't take long for the comments to begin. When people found out, the usual remarks followed: "Triplets?! What are you going to do? Three kids at once?! Glad it's not me!"

After mastering my response (and an evil look reserved for the rudest comments), I figured that was the worst of it. But little did I know I would be facing far worse comments after two of my triplets passed away.

On June 23, 2013, I gave birth to my triplets, more than four months premature.

My daughter, Abigail, passed away that same day; my son, Parker, died just shy of 2 months old. Before then, I didn't know much about child loss; it was uncharted territory. Like most people, I wouldn't know how to respond or what to say if a friend's child passed away.

Image via iStock.

But two years later, I have found that some things are better left unsaid. These comments come from a good place, and I know people mean well, but they sure do sting.

Here are my top five things not to say to a grieving parent — and the thing I love to hear instead.

1. "Everything happens for a reason."

It's a cringeworthy comment for those of us who have lost a child. Sometimes, there is no rhyme or reason for why things happen in life. A parent should not outlive their child. I don't know why my body couldn't handle my pregnancy or why I went into labor at 22 weeks.

This phrase goes along with another I often hear: "God only gives us what we can handle." I remember talking with my childhood rabbi the night before my son passed away, and I asked her, "Why me?" Her response is something I now live by every single day. She said, "God doesn't give us only what we can handle. He helps us handle what we've been given."

2. "They are in a better place."

Instead of comforting, this is a phrase that makes me feel down in the dumps. I longed to be a parent for so many years. And children are meant to be in the loving arms of their parents.

I think I speak for every grieving mother and father when I say, we would give anything to hold our babies again.

3. "At least you have one survivor. Count your blessings."

I like to think of myself as a positive person. But even two years later, my heart still aches for Parker and Abby. And on the most difficult, dark days of grief, it's hard to "count my blessings."

Yes, I am blessed. I have a gorgeous miracle child who is the light of my life. But Peyton should be playing with her brother and sister in our home, not just waving to their pictures and blowing kisses to heaven.

4. "You are still young. You can have more children."

It doesn't matter whether or not our biological clock is ticking. Many people have no idea what couples go through to have a child: Some can't have children of their own; others may face years of infertility or miscarriages. And for people like me, trying for more children may be something too scary to even think about. I came close to death after delivering my children — that's enough to scar me for life.

5. "I don't know how you do it. I couldn't imagine losing two children."

Some days I don't know how I do it either. But we learn how to live with it. We learn a "new normal," and in those tough moments, we celebrate that we survived the day. This comment is a difficult reminder of our grief and the children who were sent to heaven.

So, what should you say to a grieving parent?

Image via iStock.

There are no words to take the pain away, of course, but simply letting that person know you are there for them is more than enough.

For me, the best thing someone can do is to talk about my angels. Say Parker and Abby by name, and don't be afraid to ask questions about them.

While they were only here for a short time, they left a huge imprint on this world. I love talking about my angels, and simply hearing someone else mention them by name is enough to wipe away the grief and warm my heart for days.


This article was written by Stacey Skrysak and originally appeared on 7.15.16

Health

27-year-old who died of cancer left behind final advice that left the internet in tears

"Don't feel pressured to do what other people might think is a fulfilling life. You might want a mediocre life and that is so OK."

Photo courtesy of Remembering Holly Butcher/Facebook used with permission.

Holly Butcher left behind her best life advice before she passed away at 27.

The world said goodbye to Holly Butcher, a 27-year-old woman from Grafton, Australia.

Butcher had been battling Ewing's sarcoma, a rare bone cancer that predominantly affects young people. In a statement posted on Butcher's memorialized Facebook account, her brother, Dean, and partner, Luke, confirmed the heartbreaking news to friends.

"It is with great sadness that we announce Holly's passing in the early hours of this morning," they wrote on Jan. 4, 2018. "After enduring so much, it was finally time for her to say goodbye to us all. The end was short and peaceful; she looked serene when we kissed her forehead and said our final farewells. As you would expect, Holly prepared a short message for you all, which will be posted above."

Butcher's message, which Dean and Luke did, in fact, post publicly shortly thereafter, has brought the internet to tears.

We believe her powerful message — which has amassed an incredible 72,000 Likes and 56,000 shares across the world so far — deserves to be spread far and wide.

Butcher used her final post to reflect on what she's learned in her short but beautiful life, offering some advice to those of us who are willing to listen.

"It's a strange thing to [realize] and accept your mortality at 26 years young," she began. "I always imagined myself growing old, wrinkled and gray — most likely caused by the beautiful family (lots of kiddies) I planned on building with the love of my life. I want that so bad it hurts. That's the thing about life; It is fragile, precious and unpredictable and each day is a gift, not a given right."

Butcher's poignant post is definitely worth reading in full. But here are 16 especially powerful points:

1. "I just want people to stop worrying so much about the small, meaningless stresses in life and try to remember that we all have the same fate after it all, so do what you can to make your time feel worthy and great, minus the bullshit. ... Those times you are [whining] about ridiculous things (something I have noticed so much these past few months), just think about someone who is really facing a problem. Be grateful for your minor issue and get over it. It's OK to acknowledge that something is annoying but try not to carry on about it and negatively affect other people's days."

2. "Once you do that, get out there and take a freaking big breath of that fresh Aussie air deep in your lungs, look at how blue the sky is and how green the trees are; It is so beautiful. Think how lucky you are to be able to do just that — breathe. You might have got caught in bad traffic today, or had a bad sleep because your beautiful babies kept you awake, or your hairdresser cut your hair too short. ... I swear you will not be thinking of those things when it is your turn to go. It is all SO insignificant when you look at life as a whole. I'm watching my body waste away right before my eyes with nothing I can do about it and all I wish for now is that I could have just one more birthday or Christmas with my family, or just one more day with my partner and dog. Just one more."

cherishing today, thoughts on life, premature death, youth, family

Holly Butcher shares a big smile for the camera.

Photo courtesy of Remembering Holly Butcher/Facebook used with permission.

3. "I hear people complaining about how terrible work is or about how hard it is to exercise — be grateful you are physically able to. Work and exercise may seem like such trivial things…until your body doesn't allow you to do either of them… Appreciate your good health and functioning body — even if it isn't your ideal size. Look after it and embrace how amazing it is."

4. "Give, give, give. It is true that you gain more happiness doing things for others than doing them for yourself. I wish I did this more. Since I have been sick, I have met the most incredibly giving and kind people and been the receiver of the most thoughtful and loving words and support from my family, friends and strangers; more than I could ever give in return. I will never forget this and will be forever grateful to all of these people."

5. "This year, our family agreed to do no presents and despite the tree looking rather sad and empty (I nearly cracked Christmas Eve!), it was so nice because people didn't have the pressure of shopping and the effort went into writing a nice card for each other. Plus, imagine my family trying to buy me a present knowing they would probably end up with it themselves ... strange! ... but those cards mean more to me than any impulse purchase could. ... Anyway, moral of the story — presents are not needed for a meaningful Christmas."

6. "Use your money on experiences ... or at least don't miss out on experiences because you spent all your money on material shit. Put in the effort to do that day trip to the beach you keep putting off. Dip your feet in the water and dig your toes in the sand. Wet your face with salt water."

7. "Try just enjoying and being in moments rather than capturing them through the screen of your phone. Life isn't meant to be lived through a screen nor is it about getting the perfect photo."

music is therapy, love, courtesy, life and death, positive messages

"Try just enjoying and being in moments rather than capturing them..." Holly Butcher.

Photo courtesy of Remembering Holly Butcher/Facebook used with permission.

8. "Listen to music ... really listen. Music is therapy."

9. "Cuddle your dog. Far out, I will miss that."

10. "Talk to your friends. Put down your phone. Are they doing OK?"

11. "Travel if it's your desire, don't if it's not."

12. "Work to live, don't live to work."

13. "Seriously, do what makes your heart feel happy."

14. "Don't feel pressured to do what other people might think is a fulfilling life. You might want a mediocre life and that is so OK."

15. "Tell your loved ones you love them every time you get the chance and love them with everything you have."

16. "Oh and one last thing. If you can, do a good deed for humanity (and myself) and start regularly donating blood. It will make you feel good with the added bonus of saving lives. Blood donation (more bags than I could keep up with counting) helped keep me alive for an extra year — a year I will be forever grateful that I got to spend here on Earth with my family, friends and dog. A year I had some of the greatest times of my life."

Butcher may be gone, but her impact will live on in the hearts and minds of people around the world.

"Never [met] her, but I am very touched and in tears," one Facebook user commented. "Such a bright light for a seemingly dark world at times," another chimed in. "Beautiful."

"What a wise soul she is," someone concluded. "I'm off to donate my blood."

Rest in peace, Holly. You made this world a better place. ❤️

If you are in the U.S. and inspired by Butcher's message, consider finding a blood donation center near you. You could save a life.



This article originally appeared on 01.08.18


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Family

Devastated father makes an unbelievable discovery while cleaning out his deceased daughter's room

The 3,000-word letter was written on the back of a mirror.

On May 28, 2014, 13-year-old Athena Orchard of Leicester, England, died of bone cancer. The disease began as a tumor in her head and eventually spread to her spine and left shoulder. After her passing, Athena's parents and six siblings were completely devastated. In the days following her death, her father, Dean, had the difficult task of going through her belongings. But the spirits of the entire Orchard family got a huge boost when he uncovered a secret message written by Athena on the backside of a full-length mirror.


After removing the mirror from the wall, Dean discovered a 3,000-word letter written all the way down its backside in black pen. "She never mentioned it, but it's the kind of thing she'd do," her father told People magazine. "She was a very spiritual person, she'd go on about stuff that I could never understand – she was so clever." The moving letter revealed her deepest feelings about her fight with the dreaded disease. "Every day is special, so make the most of it, you could get a life-ending illness tomorrow so make the most of every day," she wrote. "Life is only bad if you make it bad."

via YouTube

Although Athena is gone, the mirror now serves as a powerful memory of her undying spirit. "We're keeping the mirror forever, it is a part of her we can keep in the house, it will always be in her room," her mother, Caroline, said. "Just reading her words felt like she was still here with us, she had such an incredible spirit."



Athena's full message:

"Happiness depends upon ourselves. Maybe it's not about the happy ending, maybe it's about the story. The purpose of life is a life of purpose. The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra. Happiness is a direction not a destination. Thank you for existing. Be happy, be free, believe, forever young. You know my name, not my story.

You have heard what I've done, but not what I've been through. Love is like glass, looks so lovely but it's easy to shatter.

Love is rare, life is strange, nothing lasts and people change. Every day is special, so make the most of it, you could get a life ending illness tomorrow so make the most of every day. Life is only bad if you make it bad. If someone loves you, then they wouldn't let you slip away no matter how hard the situation is. Remember that life is full of ups and downs.

Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about. I want to be that girl who makes the bad days better and the one that makes you say my life has changed since I met her!

Love is not about how much you say I love you – it's about how much you can prove it's true. Love is like the wind, you can feel it but you can't see it. I'm waiting to fall in love with someone I can open my heart to. Love is not about who you can see spending your future with, it's about who you can't see spending your life without… Life is a game for everyone but love is the prize. Only I can judge me.

Sometimes love hurts. Now I'm fighting myself. Baby I can feel your pain. Dreams are my reality. It hurts but it's okay, I'm used to it. Don't be quick to judge me, you only see what I choose to show you… you don't know the truth. I just want to have fun and be happy without being judged.

This is my life, not yours, don't worry about what I do. People gonna hate you, rate you, break you, but how strong you stand, that's what makes you… you!

There's no need to cry because I know you'll be by my side."


This article originally appeared on 04.15.19

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Joy

Hospice cat 'predicted' death, snuggling up to nursing home residents hours before they died

Staff would call residents' family members in as soon as they saw Oscar get cuddly.

HyperionBooksVideos/YouTube

Oscar the cat comforted dying residents at a Rhode Island nursing home for 17 years.

What if a cat could predict when someone was going to die?

That's exactly what Oscar the therapy cat became known for at Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center in Providence, Rhode Island. In fact, geriatrician and Brown University health researcher Dr. David Dosa, who worked with Steere House patients and witnessed Oscar in action, even wrote a book about the fluffy piebald cat's extraordinary ability.

Dr. Dosa told Crossroad Hospice that when Oscar came to Steere House in 2005, he wasn't particularly friendly with the residents. "Oscar was initially sort of a very scared cat,” he said. “He wouldn’t really like to come out. He would keep to himself. Often times you’d find him in the supply closet or under a bed somewhere."

But once in a while, Oscar would home in on a specific patient, visiting with them in their room and even cuddling up to them in bed. Cats are known to be finicky, so that kind of change in behavior wouldn't be so unusual, but soon staff noticed a pattern emerging.

"We would eventually find out after he did this several times that the people he was staying with were usually the next ones to go," shared Dr. Dosa. "One death occurred, then two deaths and ultimately he hit about 20 or 30 deaths in a row at which point everybody started to say, ‘Wow, this is something quite unique.’”

Oscar's behavior within hours of someone's death was so accurately predictive, staff started calling in the family members of residents as soon as they noticed the cat starting to get friendly and cuddly with them.

Dr. Dosa described what Oscar's behavior looked like in a video in 2010.

"When Oscar makes his rounds, he walks around the unit checking in on the 40-some patients on the floor," he said. "He only stays with patients if they really are at the end of life. He will come into a room, he has been known to jump on the windowsill and sit there for hours on end. Occasionally, he will jump on the bed and curl up to a patient, and he will be there until the very end."

The staff were all a bit skeptical at first. As Dr. Dosa shared, "It's not something that you see every day, and this was a pretty unremarkable acat in every other capacity."

But even a family member of a residents who died with Oscar by their side offered a perspective on Oscar's unique ability: "It’s not that we trusted the cat more than the nurse. Not, exactly. It was … well, there was just something about Oscar. He seemed so convinced of what he was doing. He was so clear in his intention and his dedication.'"

The big question is, of course: How did Oscar know?

"I think that ultimately your guess is as good as mine,” Dr. Dosa told Crossroad Hospice in 2016. “It [could be] likely that he’s responding to some smell when cells start to break down.”

Research shows that both cats and dogs have the ability to smell illness and disease in humans, and it's possible that Oscar had a particularly keen nose for chemical changes during the death process. Whatever it was, it compelled him to offer his companionship during someone's dying hours.

Oscar passed away himself in 2022 after comforting dying residents at Steere House for 17 years. Read more about him and his abilities in "Making Rounds with Oscar: The Extraordinary Gift of an Ordinary Cat" by David Dosa, M.D.

book cover of making rounds with oscar

"Making Rounds With Oscar: The Extraordinary Gift of an Ordinary Cat" by David Dosa, M.D.

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