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Friendship

A hospice volunteer has a fascinating new take on people's most common deathbed regret

"Grab a hold of them and don't ever let them go."

friendship, love, platonic friends, life lessons
Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash

Friends watch a sunset together.

Until the time comes, (and it will come) we can't possibly know how we will feel in our final moments on this Earth. What will run through our minds? Who will run through our minds? Will there be enough dopamine to make it all make sense, or will we be filled with 'what ifs?'

Over the years, many hospital and hospice workers have paid close attention to what people who are on their deathbeds say. What they're most proud of, and yes, what are their main regrets.

The lens through which these caregivers can often see is wiped clear by vulnerability, and what they relay to us could alter the very courses of our lives, if we take heed.

In an online series called 365 Lessons from Strangers, host David Eng interviews people on the street whom he doesn't know for life lessons. In a recent one (life lesson 228), he meets a woman named Kassi who shares a beautiful sentiment.

She is asked, "How can we all live more happily?" and responds, "I've always been struck by the fact that we don't really value platonic relationships in society, the way that we should. I read this wonderful article. It was a person who worked as a hospice nurse, and they asked many, many people who were dying their top regrets in life. And when she averaged it out, the number one regret that people have on their deathbeds is not spending more time with their friends."

Though she didn't name the author, she might be referring to Jancee Dunn's New York Times article, "3 Lessons for Living Well, from the Dying." In it, she discusses her friend who is a hospice volunteer. "She hears one regret over and over from patients: letting relationships wither. They wish that they had made more plans with good friends, or they thought about getting back in touch with an old buddy, and talked themselves out of it."

Kassi continues, "Not that romantic or familial relationships aren't important. But in good times or bad, it's your friends that you want around you."

She makes the distinction between obligatory love (or love that might be perceived that way) and chosen love. "You've got to have somebody that you know loves you. And that doesn’t have any reason to be with you other than that they love you. I think in romantic relationships, there's always that fear that they're with you for sexual reasons or whatever. And that they don't really love and care about you.

But the friend who has no ulterior motives? Who you always know has your best interest at heart. And you can trust that they love you. The rule of thumb is everybody should treat you with respect. There's no reason for anybody to disrespect you. And anybody who really loves you will always treat you with respect. When you find a person who's a good friend, who treats you with respect and loves you for who you are, grab a hold of them and don't ever let them go."

She concludes with a simple, yet lovely thought. "We're here to love and be loved. And to touch others and to be touched by other people. Everything else is secondary. Life is beautiful and it offers a lot of beautiful experiences: nice food, great music. But none of that offers anything near the people that you love and who love you. That's the most important thing. And that's what we're here for."

 friendship, love, plutonic love, life lessons three women walking on brown wooden dock.  Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash  

The comments under her clip are touching. One wrote, "My mother always told me, 'Your friends will get you through life.'"

Another notes, "Platonic relationships are often the unsung heroes of emotional life. Deeply valuable, often more stable than romantic ones and chosen more freely than familial ones."

Many others took the moment to tag their friends in the thread and tell them they loved them.

One commenter mentions author Bronnie Ware who wrote the bestseller The Top Five Regrets of the Dying – A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing. They share the list, one which also includes keeping in touch with friends:


"I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
I wish I had let myself be happier."

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Movies

Man passionately explains the meaning of staircases in movies and now people can't unsee it

Once you hear this explanation, you start seeing it everywhere.

AlbaProductions/YouTube

The staircase scene in "The Princess Diaries 2" is a good example of how stairs are used in film.

Moviemaking magic is part art and part science, and most of us don't fully know how the cinematic sausage gets made. Many people enjoy watching "behind the scenes" and "making of" videos to get a glimpse of what we don't see on camera, but even those don't give us all the ins and outs of how filmmakers create a great movie experience.

Perhaps that's why a video from a woman showing her screenwriter husband geeking out over a very specific element of filmmaking has gone viral. Or, maybe it's because we all love to see people passionately explain something they know about. Either way, his explanation of how staircases are purposefully used to drive the plot and reveal information about characters in movies has people engrossed.

 katharine hepburn, entrance, staircase, scene, film Staircases are used strategically in films.  Giphy  

In the video, the couple is watching The Princess Diaries 2 when the husband pauses the movie and asks his wife, "Have I told you about staircases in film and what they represent in film?" She giggles—clearly this is not an unusual occurrence—and says, "No." He puts down the remote (apparently so he can use both of his hands to talk) and starts in on the lesson.

"A staircase, almost every time in film, is used to visually represent a power dynamic," he says. "A person who is in charge of a situation will be higher up on the steps than a person who is not in charge of the situation."

@leniethamer

Today’s lesson: staircases 😂 maybe one day we will finish the movie lol but I do love the fun facts. #movie #movienerd #geek #princessdiaries #screenwriter #moviereview #disney #disneyplus #annehathaway #chrispine #couplegoals #behindthescenes

He explains that the people higher on the staircase are in command of the scene—they're the ones giving the demands and the orders—and the people lower on the staircase are listening and responding.

"Every single time, without fail, if there is a staircase in a film and someone is walking up it, talking to someone below, they are giving them a command or they are taking control of the scene," he says.

Then he picks the remote up again and proceeds to walk his wife through the scene where Anne Hathaway's character and Chris Pine's character are talking back and forth up a double staircase. As they move up and down the steps, the dynamic of their conversation changes. She starts higher up on the stairs than him, then he moves up to challenge her. She moves over to the other staircase, and for a while they talk at the same level from their respective staircase. You can see the characters fighting for control, visually on equal footing up the stairs, so the audience remains in suspense as to who will come out on top.

  - YouTube  www.youtube.com  

It was a simple scene analysis, but the video got over 2.5 million views and people loved it:

"People like your husband are the best people to hang out with. I love a sudden, passionate rant about things I've never considered."

"I can’t believe the internet is free. I just got a film education."

"This is why English and media literacy should be classes offered regularly in school and should not be laughed at when people take those classes."

"I loved EVERY second of this."

Many commenters started pointing out examples of this principle in popular films as well. Once you know it, you start seeing it everywhere.

 mean girls, regina george, staircase, power, dynamics Regina George watching the chaos from the top of the stairs in "Mean Girls"  Giphy  

"Me thinking about Regina George on top of the stairs watching the chaos."

"The daughters from Devil Wears Prada when Andy is delivering the book!"

"Crazy Rich Asians has a cool stair case scene when she visits the house for the first time!"

"Just like the Umbridge and McGonagall scene on the hogwarts stairs when they’re arguing. 🥲"

"Everyone else: McGonagall vs Umbridge Me: "PIVOT!!!! PIVOT!!!!""

 friends, moving, pivot, ross gellar, scenes, film and television The famous "PIVOT!" scene from "Friends"  Giphy  

"HARRY POTTER LIVING IN THE ROOM BELOW THE STEPS AND NEVER HAVING A SAY IN THE HOUSE 😩 OMG WAIT"

Experts sharing their niche knowledge, especially when it comes to things we all enjoy, is one of the greatest things to come from social media. Clearly this is the kind of content people want. Thankfully, we have people like this screenwriter husband to give it to us.

You can follow @leniethamer on TikTok for more of her husband's movie analysis moments.

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Students

A study has been following 'gifted' kids for over 50 years. Here's what we've learned.

Some of what we thought about gifted students turned out to be very wrong.

What can we learn from letting seventh graders take the SAT?

In the 1960s, psychologist Julian Stanley realized that if you took the best-testing seventh graders from around the country and gave them standard college entry exams, those kids would score, on average, about as well as the typical college-bound high school senior. However, the seventh graders who scored as well or better than high schoolers, Stanley found, had off-the-charts aptitude in quantitative, logical, and spatial reasoning. In other words, they were gifted.

In the 1970s, Stanley and his team launched a full-scale study, identifying many of America's gifted kids and tracking them throughout their lives.

The study, called the Study of Mathematically Precocious Youth never ended and is now more than 50 years in the making. It has followed countless kids from middle school into their careers as some of America's top politicians, scientists, CEOs, engineers, and military leaders. Needless to say, a lot has changed with how students are today compared to 50 years ago.

Stanley passed away in the mid-2000s, but psychologist David Lubinski helped bring the study to Vanderbilt University in the 1990s, where he now co-directs it with Camilla P. Benhow.

It's not a stretch to call this the biggest and most in-depth study on intellectual "precociousness." The results of the study thus far are equal parts fascinating and genuinely surprising — a deeply insightful look into the minds and lives of brilliant children.

  woman standing in front of children  Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash  

 



1. Some of what we used to think about gifted kids turned out to be wrong.

Ever heard the saying "early to ripe, early to rot"? It basically means doing "too much" to foster a kid's special talents and abilities at too young an age could actually cause harm in the long term.

That's not even remotely true, at least not according to Lubinski.

That might be an outdated example. But Lubinksi says there are plenty of other misconceptions still alive today, like the idea that gifted kids are so smart that they'll "find a way" to excel even if those smarts aren't nurtured and developed.

Not so fast. "They're kids," he explains. "They need guidance. We all need guidance."

  - YouTube  www.youtube.com  

2. Intelligence is not the same as passion.

Quick, what's the "smartest" career you can think of. Doctor? Scientist?

While you do have to be pretty brilliant to work in medicine or science, those are far from the only career paths gifted kids choose later in life.

"Quantitatively, gifted people vary widely in their passions," Lubinski says. Many of the students in the study did end up pursuing medicine, but others went into fields like economics or engineering. Others still were more gifted in areas like logical or verbal reasoning, making them excellent lawyers and writers.

"There are all kinds of ways to express intellectual talent," Lubinski explains.

When it comes to doing what's best for a gifted student, it's just as important for parents and educators to know what the student is passionate about rather than pigeonholing them in traditionally "smart" fields and registering them in a bunch of STEM courses.

  three people sitting in front of table laughing together  Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash  

3. Hard work definitely still matters.

Measuring a student's aptitude, their natural abilities, is only one part of the equation when it comes to determining how successful they'll be in life. Aptitude scores can identify a particularly strong natural skill set but tell us very little about how hard that person might work to excel in that field.

Effort, Lubinski says, is a critical factor in determining how far someone's going to go in life. "If you look at exceptional performers in politics, science, music, and literature, they're working many, many hours," he says.

(And for the record, there are a lot more important things in life than just career achievement, like family, friends, and overall happiness.)

  selective focus photography of jolly woman using peace hand gesture  Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash  

4. Regardless of aptitude, every kid deserves to be treated as though they were gifted.

The study's focus is specifically on kids within a certain range of intellectual ability, but Lubinski is careful to note that many of its findings can and should be applied to all students.

For example, the kids in the study who were given an opportunity to take more challenging courses that aligned with their skills and interests ultimately went on to accomplish more than the students who were not afforded the same opportunity.

"You have to find out where your child's development is, how fast they learn, what are their strengths and relative weaknesses and tailor the curriculum accordingly," Lubinski says. "It's what you would want for all kids."

It may sound a bit like a pipe dream, but it's a great starting point for how we should be thinking about the future of education in America.

This article originally appeared eight years ago.

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Modern Families

People are praising 96-year-old grandma's advice to 'separate your actions from your feelings'

"Don't lie to yourself by using your feelings as an excuse."

Image via Canva

96-year-old grandma gives advice on separating actions from feelings to accomplish goals.

The Silent Generation, those born from between 1928 and 1945, is made up of people who lived through the Great Depression and World War II. Defined by living through these hardships, their strength and perseverance continues to inspire younger generations today--including Gen X, Millennials, and Gen Alpha.

Over on Reddit in a subforum discussing how to become more disciplined, member Limp_Edu4797 shared an impactful piece of advice from his 96-year-old grandma on not letting feelings and emotions get in the way of remaining disciplined and working through hard things.

In the post, he shared: "For a long time, I was stuck in this cycle where I'd only be productive when I felt like it. If I was in a bad mood, I'd tell myself to wait until tomorrow. When I was tired, I'd take a Netflix break. If I was stressed about something, I'd procrastinate until my headspace cleared up," he wrote. "One day, my grandma was watching me complain about how I couldn't get anything done because I was 'too anxious' about some work project."

 feelings, emotions, stress, anxiety, anxious Abc Reaction GIF by The Bachelorette  Giphy  

He goes on to explain that while he was expecting his grandma to have more sympathy for him, she instead offered him hard-hitting advice from her own life experience. He continued, "She just looked at me and said, 'You know, during the war, we didn't have the luxury of waiting until we felt good to do what needed doing.' Then she told me something I'll never forget: 'You need to separate your actions from your feelings!'"

He adds that his grandma notices young people these days "think their feelings and their actions are married to each other. Happy means productive, sad means lazy, scared means stop. But that's just a story we tell ourselves."

It's a lot different from how she experienced life. She told him, "I didn't feel like rationing food or working on the farm. But I did it anyway. Not because I ignored my feelings, but because I did it WITH my feelings."

 do it, action, feel your feelings, keep going, perservere Yes You Can Lets Go GIF by Bridge and Tunnel on EPIX  Giphy  

When he tried to explain that things these days are just different, she didn't argue with him. "She just nodded and said, 'You're probably right. But here's what I learned: don't lie to yourself by using your feelings as an excuse. Don't say: I'm stressed, so I can't do it.' She told me to change the narrative and tell myself: 'I'm stressed, that's fine, so I'll do it stressed.'"

Her wise words are resonating with younger generations online. "I didn't know I needed this today. Thank you. Your grammas words are hitting hard for me this morning and I appreciate it! Fell all your feelings, they're valid, but stay disciplined with those feelings. Not in spite of them," one commented.

 focus, stay focused, disciplined, stay disciplined, be disciplined Tiffany Haddish Goals GIF by BuzzFeed  Giphy  

Another wrote, "I think this is the root of many differences between our newer generations and our older ones. We are swung far in the direction of acknowledging our feelings, validating them, etc.—so far, perhaps, that we have arrived in a place where feelings dictate our actions. That’s what you’re describing. There’s a happy medium, and it’s required for healthy functioning adults. Sometimes situations warrant being overridden by emotion. Most don’t. You get to/have to choose what kind of person to be."

Another quipped, "I Can Do it With a Broken Heart but make it depression era," referencing the Taylor Swift hit.

 taylor swift, taylor swift song, i can do it with a broken heart, t swift, taylor swift gif Broken Heart Dancing GIF by Taylor Swift  Giphy  

Others were slightly skeptical of the advice she gave. "I get the validity in this, truly. But, we’ve also acknowledged how their stiff approach harbors trauma responses that can last generations. It’s okay to have hard feelings. We can acknowledge them, but she is right to encourage you to keep moving forward. But, we should always listen to our bodies and see where that feeling is coming from," another shared.

Ultimately, many appreciated the focus on re-framing your mindset to accomplish goals and remain disciplined. Another commented, "So much to 'discipline' is what????? The mental game. There are lots of ways to attack the mental game. At the core is…re-framing….reframing our mindset, how we look at, process our thoughts, approach to things we know we should do, want to, but don’t. Grandma was on to something with her 'separate' feelings from actions approach."

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Mental Health

Woman asked her boss for a mental health day. The screenshot of his response was unbelievable.

This is what leadership should look like.

Image shared by Madalyn Parker

Madalyn shared with her colleagues about her own mental health.

Madalyn Parker wanted to take a couple days off work. She didn't have the flu, nor did she have plans to be on a beach somewhere, sipping mojitos under a palm tree. Parker, a web developer from Michigan, wanted a few days away from work to focus on her mental health.

Parker lives with depression. And, she says, staying on top of her mental health is absolutely crucial. "The bottom line is that mental health is health," she told Upworthy over email. "My depression stops me from being productive at my job the same way a broken hand would slow me down since I wouldn't be able to type very well."

Parker's story first went viral in 2017. Since then, mental health days still have a stigma in some places but the understanding and acceptance of them has grown quite a bit. There's now a Mental Health Awareness Day every year on October 8 and in places like California, mental health days are covered with the same worker protections as sick days. The Mayo Clinic recommends individuals take mental health days as "an intentional act to alleviate distress and poor mood and motivation, while improving attitude, morale, functioning, efficiency and overall well-being." As they accurately report, mental health days are not just for people are feeling overwhelmed, they can be part of a deliberate strategy to maintain productivity and strong morale amongst individuals and teammates at work.

And that's why the response from Parker's response was so great at any time but especially because for far too many people, it was still ahead of its time.


 

   assets.rebelmouse.io  

 


She sent an email to her colleagues, telling them the honest reason why she was taking the time off.

"Hopefully," she wrote to them, "I'll be back next week refreshed and back to 100%."

Soon after the message was sent, the CEO of Parker's company wrote back:

"Hey Madalyn,

I just wanted to personally thank you for sending emails like this. Every time you do, I use it as a reminder of the importance of using sick days for mental health — I can't believe this is not standard practice at all organizations. You are an example to us all, and help cut through the stigma so we can all bring our whole selves to work."


 

  Adam Scott Dancing GIF by Apple TV  Giphy  

 

Moved by her CEO's response, Parker posted the email exchange to Twitter.

The tweet, published on June 30, 2017, has since gone viral, amassing 45,000 likes and 16,000 retweets.

"It's nice to see some warm, fuzzy feelings pass around the internet for once," Parker says of the response to her tweet. "I've been absolutely blown away by the magnitude though. I didn't expect so much attention!"

Even more impressive than the tweet's reach, however, were the heartfelt responses it got.

"Thanks for giving me hope that I can find a job as I am," wrote one person, who opened up about living with panic attacks. "That is bloody incredible," chimed in another. "What a fantastic CEO you have."


Some users, however, questioned why there needs to be a difference between vacation time and sick days; after all, one asked, aren't vacations intended to improve our mental well-being?

That ignores an important distinction, Parker said — both in how we perceive sick days and vacation days and in how that time away from work is actually being spent.

"I took an entire month off to do partial hospitalization last summer and that was sick leave," she wrote back. "I still felt like I could use vacation time because I didn't use it and it's a separate concept."


  - YouTube  www.youtube.com  

 



Many users were astounded that a CEO would be that understanding of an employee's mental health needs.

They were even more surprised that the CEO thanked her for sharing her personal experience with caring for her mental health.

After all, there's still a great amount of stigma associated with mental illness in the workplace, which keeps many of us from speaking up to our colleagues when we need help or need a break to focus on ourselves. We fear being seen as "weak" or less committed to our work. We might even fear losing our job.


Ben Congleton, the CEO of Parker's company, Olark, even joined the conversation himself.

In a blog post on Medium, Congleton wrote about the need for more business leaders to prioritize paid sick leave, fight to curb the stigma surrounding mental illness in the workplace, and see their employees as people first.

"It's 2017. We are in a knowledge economy. Our jobs require us to execute at peak mental performance," Congleton wrote. "When an athlete is injured, they sit on the bench and recover. Let's get rid of the idea that somehow the brain is different."

This article originally appeared eight years ago.

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Humor

Neo-Nazis slowly realize this small town brilliantly pranked them for a great charity

Local residents in the small Bavarian town of Wunsiedel, came together to fight Nazis a hilariously perfect way.

Image via YouTube

Neo-Nazis marching in a parade

In preparation for an upcoming neo-Nazi march in the small Bavarian town of Wunsiedel, local residents decided to fight back in a hilariously perfect way: by sponsoring each of the 250 fascist participants. According to Heeb Magazine, "For every metre they walked, €10 went to a programme called EXIT Deutschland, which helps people escape extremist groups."

The reason the Neo-Nazis show up in Wunsiedel every year is because Adolf Hitler's deputy Rudolf Hess was previously buried there. They apparently haven't been deterred by the fact that his grave was exhumed in 2011 and destroyed.

The brilliant prank was organized by a group called Right Against Right, which alerted people to their wholesome scheme through their website, which reads:

They run and run and run! Almost every week, neo-Nazis take to the streets to demonstrate. If you can't stop them, you can at least make them run for something worthwhile, like against themselves. This turns the funeral march into a fundraising march, and the demonstration into a charity event. For every meter run, fixed donations from companies and citizens go to EXIT Germany or projects working against neo-Nazis. Let's harness this charitable potential!

So if you're determined to march, you're stepping into a dilemma. With your support, things will go much better! Donate, share, and be there live when it's time to take a strong stand against the right – in your everyday life, online, or with a donation.The anti-semitic walkers didn't figure out the town's scheme until they had already started their march, and by that time, it was too late to turn back. The end result? The neo-Nazis raised more than $12,000 to fund programs to put an end to neo-Nazis.

Unfortunately, Neo-Nazi organizations still continue to crop up across the world In recent years they have been seen at political rallies. Even today in 2025, American political actors such as Tesla founder Elon Musk, have been accused of giving Nazi salutes at rallies in a not so thinly veiled sign of approval to those who posses anti-semitic and other far right win ideologies.


 Neo-nazis, finland, nazis, germany, world war 2, hitler, history, funny, pranks NRM Finnish independence day demonstration, 2018.Image via Wikicommons  

As the Guardian reported at the time, people in the town got fully into the spirit, "sponsoring" the 250 Neo-Nazi marchers, hanging hilariously mocking signs, including one posted at the end of the march, which thanked them for their "donations" to the anti-hate groups.

According to The Washington Post, “The 200 neo-Nazis had only two choices when they got to know about the plan: Either they proceeded, indirectly donating money to the EXIT Germany initiative, or they acknowledged their defeat and suspended the march. The neo-Nazis decided to pursue their plans — and participated in raising funds for an organization committed to their downfall.”

The plan worked so well, it was replicated in 2017 by the Jewish Bar Association of San Francisco, which started an "Adopt a Nazi (Not Really)" fundraiser on GoFundMe that ended up raising more than $150,000 in response to a Neo-Nazi march in the city.

Watch the YouTube video below:




 

  - YouTube  www.youtube.com  

 


This article originally appeared eleven years ago.

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