There's a way around this friendship pitfall.
As I get closer (how much closer, I'd rather not say) to my 40s, I've noticed a habit forming in my friendships. With kids, work, and family obligations, I don't have as much time as I'd like to get together with friends. So when I do, there's usually a lot to catch up on. We'll often go to drinks after I put my kids to bed and catch-up on everything we've missed in each other's lives the past few months. We'll share the ups and downs, the big updates, and do lots of venting about the things that haven't gone our way. And then, when the night's over, we wait six months and do it all over again.
It's always great to see friends, don't get me wrong. But there's a big part of me that yearns for more of the moments that made us friends to begin with, whether they're friends I sat through classes with in school or goofed around with at an old job. And now I know I'm not the only one who feel this way.
The gals at the Life Uncut Podcast just described this phenomenon perfectly: They call it the "Catch Up Trap"
The Catch Up Trap is not a new phenomenon, but never before has it been so perfectly encapsulated. On a recent episode of the podcast, comedian Tanya Hennessy chatted with hosts Laura Byrne and Brittany Hockley about this 'trap' that they've all experienced in their adult lives.
"I was just seeing friends, and the conversation was literally just a recap. I felt like i was just recapping my life back to somebody as opposed to living it with them," Hennessy said. She noted that, too often, these recaps turn into vent sessions where friends take turns railing on and on about their problems. Too much stress and not enough laughter. "I'm bored," she says. "I'm sick of talking about myself."
The hosts agreed from their own experiences that at the end of these "catch up" hangouts, they always end up feeling somewhat dissatisfied. It's great when a friendship has such a strong foundation that it can sustain itself on these fumes for years and years, but not investing in growing the friendship with new memories and experiences ends up feeling a little hollow and exhausting after a while.
Watch the discussion here in a clip from the podcast's Instagram:
Viewers connected so deeply to the gang's frustration with modern adult friendships.
Nearly 500,000 people viewed the Reel on Instagram and commented by the dozens to shout about how the conversation made them feel so seen and understood:
"Love this chat, ‘catch up’ friendships feel more exhausting than meaningful. I want to do life with my friends!!!"
"I'm in my early thirties and I've been struggling to describe what I've been feeling for the longest time, but you've done it incredibly well. It's such a shift in friendships, and so much more noticeable when they were those friends you used to hang out with several times a week, and experience most of your life with. Now they are all in relationships, which has nothing to do with it, but I've felt we've entered this phase of friendship much more since then."
"I could not agree more!!!!!! I’m so tired of talking about my problems and sharing the hard times etc, I wanna do fun things, and make memories more"
So, if you've fallen into the catch up trap in your own relationships, how can you pull yourself out of it? What should you do instead?
In short, go do something together! Have some fun, make a new memory. Don't just sit and vent over a glass of wine, unless that's the vibe you're really craving at that moment. Just don't make it the default. There's a world of possibility at your fingertips, like bowling, seeing a new movie together, or perusing an art gallery.
"Go to the zoo or something, let's go do pottery, let's go feel something together, let's have a shared experience," Hennessy said on the show. "Do we need to do something as a shared memory to actually evolve our friendship?"
Viewers agreed that while the idea sounds simple and obvious, it makes a world of difference in the depth of your relationships.
"[My friend and I] have made a conscious effort to do things and create memories together, last night we went to a pottery class and I never have laughed so hard. It was so nice to do something different and talk about something other than life," one commenter noted.
However, it's important to remember that catching up is important too. Your friends want to know what's going on in your life, with your career, with your family. You can find other creative ways to catch up more frequently (text, call, leave voice notes) and save your precious in-person hang time for stuff that's more interesting and invigorating. Some experts have even advocated for friends to come along while you do more mundane things, too. Bring a friend grocery shopping or running errands and you can catch-up and live life together at the same time.
If it sounds like a lot more work, it just might be. But having close friendships gives us more fulfillment and purpose in our lives, and it also leads to better long-term health outcomes. It'll be worth the extra effort when those old friendships are still running strong decades later instead of petering out over time.
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