People have been pondering the meaning of friendship for millennia.
When you find a true friend, it can be one of life's greatest gifts. But not all friendships are created equal, and what defines "friendship" varies from person to person. Is a friend someone you enjoy hanging out with? Someone you can confide in? Someone who always has your back?
What makes someone a friend has been a question people have pondered since ancient times, as evidenced by Aristotle's musings on the subject in 350 B.C. The famous philosopher wrote that friendship doesn't only differ in degree, but in type, stating that there are three distinct kinds of friends people can have.
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Friendships of Utility
Some friendships are somewhat transactional in nature, where each person gets something useful out of the relationship. "Those who love each other for their utility do not love each other for themselves but in virtue of some good which they get from each other," Aristotle wrote, saying that "friendship based on utility is for the commercially minded."
An example of a friendship of utility might be a friendship you have with your coworkers or business colleagues. You may genuinely like one another, but if one of you leaves the work environment, the friendship goes with it. Another example might be between a host and a guest who frequents an establishment regularly.
"Now the useful is not permanent but is always changing," Aristotle wrote. "Thus when the motive of the friendship is done away, the friendship is dissolved, inasmuch as it existed only for the ends in question. This kind of friendship seems to exist chiefly between old people (for at that age people pursue not the pleasant but the useful) and, of those who are in their prime or young, between those who pursue utility."
Friendships of utility are often formed at work. Giphy
Friendships of Pleasure
Some friendships form because people like and enjoy something about one another. Maybe you have fun and laugh together. Perhaps you take pleasure in the same things—sports, art, music—and share that with one another. Or maybe you just find one another entertaining. This kind of friendship feels good, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it will last.
"It is not for their character that men love ready-witted people, but because they find them pleasant," Aristotle wrote. Friendships of pleasure are based on more personal foundations than friendships of utility, but they still only go so far and so deep. "Those who love for the sake of pleasure do so for the sake of what is pleasant to themselves, and not in so far as the other is the person loved but in so far as he is useful or pleasant," wrote Aristotle.
Friendships of utility and pleasure are "only incidental," he asserted, adding, "for it is not as being the man he is that the loved person is loved, but as providing some good or pleasure. Such friendships, then, are easily dissolved, if the parties do not remain like themselves; for if the one party is no longer pleasant or useful the other ceases to love him."
Friendships of pleasure can be fun, but not necessarily deep. Giphy
Friendships of the Good
"Perfect friendship is the friendship of men who are good, and alike in virtue; for these wish well alike to each other qua good, and they are good themselves," Aristotle wrote. (If you're unfamiliar with the word "qua," it means "in capacity of" or "as being.")
Friendships of the good are much less common than those of utility or pleasure, partially because they require two people who have some base level of similar virtue, and partially because they take time to build.
"But it is natural that such friendships should be infrequent; for such men are rare," Aristotle wrote. "Further, such friendship requires time and familiarity; as the proverb says, men cannot know each other till they have 'eaten salt together'; nor can they admit each other to friendship or be friends till each has been found lovable and been trusted by each. Those who quickly show the marks of friendship to each other wish to be friends, but are not friends unless they both are lovable and know the fact; for a wish for friendship may arise quickly, but friendship does not."
Friendships of the good have the potential to make us better people, as they are based on character qualities that are mutually encouraged. These friendships tend to last a lifetime and are the kinds of friendships most people desire.
Friendships of the good are built on character. Giphy
How to build Friendships of the Good
So, how do we go about finding such friends and creating and maintaining such friendships? First, don't expect to have a ton of them. "One cannot be a friend to many people in the sense of having friendship of the perfect type with them, just as one cannot be in love with many people at once," Aristotle wrote.
Marisa Franco, author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make and Keep Friends, shared some tips for building real friendships in her book:
Take initiative
“We have to put ourselves out there and try. It's a process of reaching out over and over again,” writes Franco.
It's hard to make friends if you're not connecting with people, so start there. Reach out to an old friend you haven't talked to in a long time. Find groups to join that may have people who share your interests or values. Don't wait for others to come to you or for friendship to drop in your lap.
A woman speaks on the telephone. Photo credit: Canva
Be willing to be vulnerable and to receive vulnerability
A big part of friendship is sharing our feelings, which includes our joys and hopes as well as our fears and frustrations. It's hard to develop intimacy without some deep sharing, but we also have to be prepared to receive others' vulnerability as well.
"Understanding and feeling attuned to others' vulnerability is a key to developing and deepening friendships—and missing those cues can jeopardize them," writes Franco.
Be real
Franco says letting people see our authentic selves is important, but that doesn't mean letting it all hang out. Authenticity happens when "we aren't triggered, when we can make intentional, rather than reactive, decisions about how we want to show up in the world," she says.
However, Franco also warns that it might take some time and discernment, and that it might be necessary to vet potential friends before showing them our full selves.
"In a perfect world, we would all be loved in our most authentic form, but in the real world, privilege plays into whose authentic self is welcomed and whose is rejected," she writes.
And, of course, being vulnerable and authentic isn't all that easy for many of us. It is, however, necessary. "For perfect friendship you must get to know someone thoroughly," Aristotle wrote, "and become intimate with them, which is a very difficult thing to do."
It doesn't have to be a hug, but showing affection helps solidify friendship.Photo credit: Canva
Show affection
"The more you show affection, the more likely you are to not just make friends, but also deepen the friendships you already have," writes Franco.
Affection can be emotional, physical, or both, and different people may prefer to receive it in different ways. But letting people know you love them and care about the friendship is key.
Practice generosity
Being generous with our time, thoughts, and energy matters in friendship. Sometimes that may involve some sacrifice, though we also need to be careful not to sacrifice too much for too many people. Really, it's just about making some selfless efforts.
"For friendship to flourish, we need to know if we call a friend crying because we got fired from our job at the nuclear power plant, they won't text back, 'I am currently unavailable,'" Franco writes.
And, of course, if you really want an Aristotelian friendship of the good, you can work on your own character as well, honing the virtues you will bring to that "perfect" friendship when you find it.