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Motherhood

When you take are of all the things, you're there for all the things.

If there's one key phrase that has permeated the parenting discourse in recent years, it's "default parent," the idea that one parent—almost always the mom—takes on the vast majority of the mental and logistical load of raising children. Even in households where a couple tries to split the work evenly, one parent inevitably keeps track of all the things—kids' doctor and dental appointments, who's outgrowing their clothes or shoes, finding a present for the kid's friend's birthday party that's coming up, adding school events to the calendar, making sure uniforms are washed, etc. The default parent is the first one the school (or the coach, or the orthodontist) calls.

Most of the discussions around default parents revolve around how exhausting it is (because it is), how their invisible work goes unseen and unappreciated, and how partners can help offload some of the burden. But Karen Johnson, mom of three teens and author of What Do I Want to Be When They Grow Up (and Other Thoughts from a 40-something Mom), has been reflecting on her years as the default parent and shared two realities of that role that don't get talked about as much.


How many moms would actually give up the default parent role if they could?

Johnson shares a story about going on a 14-mile hike with her husband, just the two of them, and how she got text messages with questions from their kids 12 times throughout their hike. Meanwhile, her husband's phone never dinged once the whole day. This happened despite her having organized the kids' lives with food prep, a list of chores for them to do, and transportation from Grandma to get the kids where they needed to go so that she and her husband could get away for the day.

hiking, couple, parents, default parent, parentsWhen you're the default parent, you never truly "get away." Photo credit: Canva

On the one hand, Johnson was annoyed that she fielded all of these texts while her husband didn't. "But here's the truth—a truth that often makes my husband's head spin off in frustration," Johnson writes. "As a default parent mom, I don't want the texts to go to anyone else. If the kids had bugged him all day, I'd be looking over his shoulder, asking 'What does she want? What is he eating for lunch? Who is walking the dog? Who is going to what friend's house? How are they getting there? How else is going over there because that one friend is being mean lately and I'm not sure she'd want to go if the other girl is going…What time will they be home? Did they clean their room first?'

"I don't know how to shut it off or truly escape, but tbh, I'm not sure I want to," she admits. "I talk a lot about the exhaustion and overwhelm of default parenting, and I'll continue to do so because we need to normalize all parents sharing the mental load and give grace to moms trying to juggle it all. However. I'm also a big old hypocrite because if anyone tried to pry it all away from me—my job as keeper of the family calendar and the household manager role and all the knowledge about the kids' lives and who got teased at recess last week—well, I'd hold onto all of it with a death grip. This much I know."

This is a reality for many moms—feeling frustrated with the default parent workload but also not really wanting to pass it off to anyone else, either. Johnson explains that in some ways, that means our partners can't win. Logistically speaking, there's a lot that we can't just hand off for them to do and they can't just decide to pick up on their own because so many things are intertwined. It's often easier and even more desirable to just do All The Things yourself, and there's a sense of identity and accomplishment that comes along with fulfilling that role as well that we may not consciously acknowledge.

The non-default parent genuinely misses out on things

Another epiphany Johnson had in discussions with her husband is that the default parent role comes with some real perks that the non-default parent doesn't get.

"We recently had a heavy, but important conversation about this," Johnson writes. "I was carrying all of the kids' proverbial 'stuff' and he was at a big meeting in another country, feeling important in his thriving career. As I lamented that I was jealous of his fancy dinners while we ate leftovers at home, his response was important for me to hear.

'"But you're there. You know everything. You don't miss any of it. I hear about big stuff that they are going through sometimes days later. I know you envy what I have and what I get to do, but I envy what you have, too.'"

Johnson says she hadn't really seen it from his perspective before. It's so easy to look at what we feel is lacking or what we wish we had while overlooking the benefits of what we do have.

"It was helpful to hear my husband's words and feel grateful that, yes, I have been there for everything," she writes. "I know all the things and carry all of their 'stuff.' I am on the inside track, whether that's where I want to be 100 percent of the time or whether I'd occasionally like a mental break to step off for a hot second, but it's true. Default parenting and carrying the mental load is a freaking lot and there's no escape. Ever. But it's also a beautiful blessing and I know that someday I won't need so many keys."

When it feels like so much of the mental load is on your shoulders, default parenting can be overwhelming. But gratitude, Johnson says, has been key to maintaining healthy relationships with her husband and kids, feeling solid in her purpose and value, and keeping her mental health in check, even in the midst of that overwhelm. Gratitude isn't always easy to find, but it's worth looking for, especially when you feel frustrated or resentful.

It can help to hear perspectives from moms who have many years of parenting under their belt, who've had the broad array of experiences and some time to reflect on them, and who can offer some small snippets of wisdom to help those who are in the thick of it. Discover more in Karen Johnson's book here and you can follow her on Facebook and Instagram.

@steph_murphy/TikTok

Stephanie Murphy shares her "average" home in viral TikTok video.

Sure, it’s lovely to see pristine, perfectly curated homes that look like they belong in Architectural Digest. A little inspo never hurt anyone. But as we all know, the spotless life is simply not an achievable reality, especially for those with busy lives and limited budgets (read: most of us).

But you know what? Maybe even the messy homes deserve some love. The ones with constant junk piles, unfinished projects, dirty dishes, and misplaced toys. The homes that will never grace the cover of a magazine but still do a wonderful job of containing all the moments life has to offer—the big, small, extraordinary, mundane, and everywhere in between. 'Cause at the end of the day, isn’t that a home’s true purpose anyway?


@stephsharesitall

Lets normalize “average” because there is nothing wrong with it. Everywhere you look on social media you see big gorgeous houses in perfect condition and its hard not to compare yours to them. But its not the norm and half the time its staged. Our house is lived in, and its filled with love and tons of memories and at the end of the day thats all that matters.

Stephanie Murphy, a mom and TikTok creator, seems to think so. Murphy recently took viewers on an “average house tour,” and it was the exact opposite of aspirational. Highlighted in Murphy’s tour are the pantry door that’s remained unpainted for three years, blinds held together with binder clips, air conditioners held in place by duct tape, a full dish rack tray that’s “a permanent fixture” on their countertops, and not one but two junk drawers (honestly, that’s a little low by my count). You’ll also notice a fridge that is covered in her kid’s artwork and school pictures. Not in any cohesive way, but merely thrown on randomly, as nature intended.

Meanwhile, in the master bedroom, Murphy and her husband’s bed have two separate blankets because neither of them like to share. A genius idea, and just another example of how we really, really don’t need to continue with marital sleeping norms that don’t actually feel comfortable.

As for why Murphy decided to showcase her “average, middle-class house,” it’s all in the caption of her video: “Let’s normalize ‘average’ because there is nothing wrong with it. Everywhere you look on social media, you see big gorgeous houses in perfect condition and it’s hard not to compare yours to them. But it’s not the norm and half the time it's staged. Our house is lived in, and it’s filled with love and tons of memories and at the end of the day that's all that matters."

She further explained her reasoning to Good Morning America. "I feel like social media is full of one perfectly curated video after another, and there is just so much pressure from social media to be perfect in all aspects -- to have perfect skin, perfect makeup, perfect outfit, perfect house. And the reality is no one's perfect," Murphy said.

"Honestly, I feel like there's a very good chance that all those videos that we see were staged and they probably like, moved a pile of toys behind the camera to film and then moved it back when they were done. But that's the part that people on social media just aren't sharing. They don't show you the behind-the-scenes and that is what I was looking to change," she continued.


Judging from the comments sections of this now-viral post, it seems like other people are ready for more average content.

“This is awesome! I’m constantly feeling inadequate when people have a perfect house that looks like nobody lives there!” one person wrote. “I feel seen,” added another.

Hear, hear. No need to feel inadequate about having a home that’s lived in. Imperfection has its own kind of beauty.

This article originally appeared two years ago.

justice_4justin/Instagram

Justin Etienne's mother Tierra Neil presents his prom date Reyaa with corsage he picked out for her.

Prom is one of the most memorable parts of high school. But for student Justin Etienne, an 18- year-old senior at Salem High School in metro Atlanta, it was a milestone that was missed by a just a few weeks. Etienne, a victim of gun violence, passed away in March 2025.

Etienne had planned to go to prom with his date, Reyaa. In an emotional new video shared by Etienne's family (@justice_4justin), his mom, Tierra Neil, followed through to deliver the corsage Etienne had picked out for her for their special night weeks before his passing.

"My heart goes out to all the moms and families mourning loved ones lost🙏 Justin’s mom went to see his prom date off to prom and to give her the corsage he got for her🥺🕊️💕‼️💔," the caption of the video reads.

In the video, Neil arrives at Reyaa's home with the corsage in her hands. She knocks on their door, and after her family opens it, Neil is immediately overwhelmed with emotion. She is met with a hug, and comes inside the home.

Reyaa is waiting for her in a stunning pink gown that has Etienne's face on the front of it. Reyaa is wiping tears away from her eyes as she and Neil share a long hug together.

Neil takes a moment to look at Reyaa's dress and the photo of Etienne. Then she bravely takes the corsage out of the box, and places it on her wrist. Neil tells her, "You look so pretty," and continues to admire her gown that was designed specially for her by her uncle, Kyle Robertson.

The tearjerker video received an overwhelming response from viewers in the comment section. "When she sees the picture on the dress! She knew her son chose a good one which brings on a whole new hurt. Bless these women," one wrote. Another added, "The fact that she found the strength 🙏🏽🥹." Another shared, "My heart breaks in a million pieces for his mom. Justin should be here going to prom getting ready to graduate! 😢"

In another post, Etienne's family shared more details about Etienne and Reyaa. "Before Justin passed he asked this beautiful young lady to prom and she said YES!! Her designer made her prom dress with his picture on it and even her nails has his name on it!!!" they wrote.

In another post shared on her Instagram, Reyaa also opened up about her experience at prom honoring Etienne. "A Night I’ll Never Forget With a Person I’ll Always Remember💔🕊️," she wrote. "And thank you for the encouragement and push to follow through with this for Justin...And Justin, mann we DEFINITELY showed out in our rose gold! I miss you so much man so much, but I know you were with me🥹!"

Etienne's family has started a GoFundMe account to support his memorial and parents during this difficult time, and shared more about who Etienne was. "Justin was one of the kindest souls you could ever meet—quiet, funny, always full of joy, and never one to argue or cause trouble. He had a bright future ahead of him, and his life was stolen far too soon."

@organizedchaos4/TikTok

"It costs you nothing, and it creates this ripple effect of kindness."

The corner of the internet devoted to grime and muck being scrubbed away to oh-so satisfying perfection, otherwise known as #CleanTok, is mostly wholesome, cathartic fun. But every once in a while, controversy comes in. For a mom named Audrey (who clearly has a passion for cleaning hacks, given her TikTok handle of @organizedchaos4), that moment came after she filmed herself doing a deep clean on her 12-year-old daughter’s room. Several people chimed in to accuse her of spoiling her kid, more or less.

Granted, Audrey admitted that she had posted the video “hoping that the trolls would get those thumbs a-movin’.” So when they did indeed come after her, she was ready. “I surprised my daughter by cleaning her room for her. She's been getting herself up for 6 a.m. practices, she gets herself to school, she's out of the house before the rest of us have even woken up,” Audrey says in the clip.

“Keep in mind she's 12. In return for all that she's been doing, I thought it would be a nice treat if I just did a quick speed clean of her room. It was no big deal.”

Audrey goes on to say that the point of her follow-up video was to reiterate the importance of “extending grace.”

@organizedchaos4 When we throw empathy out the window, we throw grace out the window. If you saw the video and your first reaction was to say, “why isn’t she doing it herself?” Ask yourself, “have I EVER left a room messy because I was overwhelmed, tired, busy?” If so, then you are in no position to judge a child for the same thing. #grace #kindness #help #parenting #cleaning #kids #mom ♬ original sound - Organized Chaos | Audrey

"That's what I did for my daughter. She had fallen behind on her room and I helped her,” she says. “It costs you nothing, and it creates this ripple effect of kindness. We all have setbacks, we all have failures, we all make mistakes and if you say you don't you're lying. By extending grace we are spreading kindness, we are spreading compassion. If you can't extend grace to your own children then there's no way you're going to extend it to anyone else in the world and that's a scary world to live in.”

Audrey then argues that being kind to others often makes it “easier” to be kind to ourselves, which is “vital for our mental health.”

She then concludes, “so if you watched the video yesterday or you're watching this one today and you're thinking negative thoughts, ask yourself, ‘Am I quick to judge, be resentful, be negative or am I quick to extend grace or ask yourself have I ever stumbled and wish grace had been extended to me?’”

Down in the comments, we see that Audrey is certainly not alone in her thinking.

“Kindness costs nothing and provides everything,” one person wrote.

“This will only inspire your daughter to keep working hard and give back when she has a chance to, and know she can rely on you when she struggles,” added another.

Several other moms even chimed in about doing something similar for their kids.

“Exactly I did the same thing for my 23-year-old daughter who works full-time and is a full-time college student. She’s 100% independent. I just want to take some off stress off her plate,” one mom shared

Another said, “I do this for my daughter still, and it's her house.”

As with all things in parenting, balance is key. Of course we don’t want to instill laziness, but at the same time, kids can’t be expected to overachieve in all areas, at all times. Adults can’t even manage this without a little help. Sounds like this is truly a case of a good kid acting as responsibly as humanly possible, and a mom just wanting to help out where she can, all why'll teaching her the world can be a safe place. Hard to see anything wrong with that.

Cleary, none of the negative comments have dissuaded Audrey from taking care of her daughter this way. In fact, in one video, she mentions that, due to her love language being "acts of service," she actually enjoys doing it.


@organizedchaos4 For everyone in yesterday’s video saying “if she can’t keep it clean she doesn’t deserve it” let’s apply that logic to you, as well. If you’ve ever had a semi-messy home, you don’t deserve it. 😉 See the problem with that logic? We all allow our homes to get messy once in a while. No shame in it. Welcome help if it’s offered. ❤️ We’re all about grace and generational wealth over here. 👏🏻 #cleaning #clean #cleaningmotivation #kids #cleanwithme #organization #organize ♬ original sound - Organized Chaos | Audrey


@organizedchaos4 For everyone in yesterday’s video saying “if she can’t keep it clean she doesn’t deserve it” let’s apply that logic to you, as well. If you’ve ever had a semi-messy home, you don’t deserve it. 😉 See the problem with that logic? We all allow our homes to get messy once in a while. No shame in it. Welcome help if it’s offered. ❤️ We’re all about grace and generational wealth over here. 👏🏻 #cleaning #clean #cleaningmotivation #kids #cleanwithme #organization #organize ♬ original sound - Organized Chaos | Audrey

And for those of us adults without a parent to help clean, Audrey has some pretty great organizational tips on her TikTok for you to peruse.

This article originally appeared last year.