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Mom blasted for not wanting to go to her kid's parent-teacher conference. Is she in the wrong?

This was a surprisingly heated debate.

@mamasreadingjournal/TikTok

"Am I a bad mom for not wanting to go?"

Parent-teacher conferences are considered a crucial tool in a child's education and development. They help both parents and teachers get on the same page about a student's progress, strengths, and areas where improvement is needed. What's more, it helps parent maintain a participating role in this aspect of their child's life, making them hopefulll feel supported and cared for.

That said, with all the mandatory activities that parents today have to manage on top of their work and other households responsibilities…not to mention all the various ways parents are constantly inundated with information from schools…it's understandable why some parents might question whether or not these one-on-ones are actually necessary. Or at the very least…if it could be sent in an email.

For mom Tatiana (@mamasreadingjournal), the dread of having to go to her kid’s parent-teacher conference was so strong that she posted a TikTok video asking if other moms and dads felt the same way. “Do you go to your kid's parent-teacher conferences every year? Am I a bad mom for not wanting to go? Like I'm gonna go, but I really don't wanna go, you know?” she asked in the clip, just before quipping, “sorry if his teacher finds this, it's not you, I swear, it's me, I'm lazy.”

parent-teacher conference, parenting, education, kids, school, moms of tiktok “This can't be an email?”Photo credit: Canva

Considering Tatiana is already in communication with her kid’s teacher through an app, she also couldn't help but wonder why “this can't be an email?” A very, very relatable thought for anyone in the 21st century. Tatiana’s confession was met with…a lot of concern. Clearly, people do, in fact, feel pretty strongly about this topic. And a common point brought up was how a child might feel if their parent doesn’t show an interest in their education in this particular way.

@thisthatlifeandmore Do we really have to go every year? Like let the teachers go home #parentteacherconferences #everyyyear #teachers ♬ original sound - Tatiana🫧 | This & That

“Your child is worth the effort, showing up to things like this is showing up for them,” one person wrote.

Another asked, “I guess the question is why aren’t you interested in learning from your child’s teacher about how their learning journey is going, if they’re a good friend to their classmates, etc? I see how it can be an inconvenience but being a parent means being involved in their life at school as well.”

A few teachers also weighed in, who admitted that even they didn’t exactly love parent-teacher conferences. Still, one advised, “always go. As a teacher it builds the connection we have with the parent, helps communication to overall support the child.”

Another teacher was a little more blunt, saying, “girl. we don't want to go! but you create so much work for us if you don't go. we gotta document so many attempts of trying to get you in. also, your kid wants you to go. I see hs kids sad that their parents don't care to go. It's important I swear.”

There was even a heated sidebar debate as to which parent, if only one, should be attending said parent-teacher conference—the stay-at-home-parent (SAHP), or the parent who works. Some argued that the SAHP should be the one to go as part of their at-home responsibilities. Others argued that SAHPs are the ones in regular correspondence with teachers, and therefore it’s the other parent that needs to get caught up.

But all moral judgments aside, this mom wasn’t necessarily saying she planned on skipping out. She was merely sharing a feeling that quite honestly a lot of folks can probably relate to. Even the most involved parent on the planet could get overwhelmed with the ever increasing amount of random school events that seem more or less mandatory. That goes double for parents who already have demanding schedules or social anxiety, which has to describe at least 99.9% of parents, right? It more so sounds like she was looking for commiseration than anything else.

To that point, Tatiana did make a follow-up video sharing that she “did not know” that not attending a parent-teacher conference results in more work for the teacher. She assumed it meant they’d “get to go home earlier if I didn't go.” Honestly, fair assumption.

She also clarified that she did in fact go to the conference, and had always planned to go. However, she tells Upworthy that “outta my 15 minute slot we talked about my kid’s actual performance for maybe two minutes. Even my husband was shocked how much we chitchatted vs discussing actual grades and progress.”

@thisthatlifeandmore Replying to @The Next Ten Minutes ♬ original sound - Tatiana🫧 | This & That

But regardless, while she still feels that there’s “too much weight” put on this particular event, she will “go every year with bells on.”

“A mom who’s willing to accept feedback and adjust their attitude. We love to see it,” one astute viewer said.

This goes to show a few things. One, it’s a reminder of how so many aspects of education could stand for a revamp to fit with modern times. Two, productive conversations really can lead to better understanding. And three, parenting comes with going to a lot of things that you’d really rather not go to. Be it a parent-teacher conference or a Peppa Pig pop-up.

Also bonus number four—it can almost always be an email instead.

This article originally appeared last year.

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I want more core memories with my kids. Experts say 6 things will make them last forever.

Psychologists say doing these things can make experiences more "sticky."

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Psychologists reveal 6 things that make core memories stick forever.

My wife and I took our oldest daughter to Italy when she was around three years old. We saw the Colosseum in Rome, took selfies with the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and biked our way through the beautiful city of Lucca. If you ask her now, she hardly remembers a thing about it.

It's probably asking a lot—after all, some long-term memories begin forming around two to three years old, but most of them don't last through adolescence—but I'm just saying: it would be nice if she remembered that amazing adventure, all the incredibly family time we got together, and all the laughs we had as we struggled our way through Italian menus. It's the kind of thing that would have made an amazing core memory.

A core memory, if you remember from the film Inside Out, is a foundational experience that plays a big role in the person children end up becoming. It's an unforgettable memory that sticks with them forever and shapes big portions of their personality and adult lives. For example, taking your child to their first football game might very well spark a lifelong love of the sport. Just like how getting heavily bullied might influence the way they relate to others for a long, long time.

If you're like me, you want to fill your kids' childhood with happy memories, and it would be really great if they actually wound up remembering some of them.

Scientists and psychologists say there are six things you can do to make your memories and experiences more "sticky" and help create core memories that will last forever.

core memories, pixar, inside out, memory, brain science, childhood, kids, parenting, dads, fatherhood, parents, family 'Inside Out' popularized the concept of core memories. Giphy

1. Emotional Connection

In the Pixar movies, core memories are heavily linked with strong emotions, and the same is true in real life. The memories that stick with us the longest often aren't about what we saw, heard, tasted, or smelled, but how we felt.

core memories, pixar, inside out, memory, brain science, childhood, kids, parenting, dads, fatherhood, parents, family The strongest memories are driven by emotion. Giphy

"Emotional connection can make an experience more memorable to a child; children remember how something felt more than what happened. Focusing on joy, wonder, love, and fun and giving your child undistracted attention helps turn an outing into a cherished memory," says Dr. Carolina Estevez, Psy.D., psychologist at SOBA New Jersey.

Siobhan Chirico, Psychotherapist and Educator at VOICE Counselling & Education Services, adds that connecting an experience to a child's sense of identity can help cement that experience into long-term memory. For example, if your son finally works up the courage to go down the big, scary water slide ("I'm brave") or your daughter tells a joke that has everyone spitting soda through their noses ("I'm funny"). You'll have to put the phone away and be present and engaged in the moment in order to look for opportunities for meaning in the moments you plan.

2. Repetition

Memories stick when we get to relive them over and over. Study a subject for a test and you'll forget everything in no time. Use it every day and you'll quickly become an expert.

You can apply the same idea to making lasting memories with your kids. Take every opportunity to tell the stories of your adventures to friends, family, and anyone else who might care to listen. Let your kids tell it from their perspective—who cares if they get some of the details wrong or screw up the comedic timing?

Photo albums may have gone out of style, but consider making scrapbooks or photo books of trips and big events in your family life.

"Take pictures intentionally not just of yourself and your child, but where you went and what you did, then invite your child to help you make a memory page or scrapbook as you remember together, reliving all the fun (and not so fun) moments," suggests Cara Tyrrell from Core4Parenting.

This is also why traditions—like hanging the lights on the Christmas tree while The Grinch plays in the background every single year—become so deeply embedded in us.

3. Novelty

As much fun as you might have going to your favorite family restaurant every week, sometimes the most memorable experiences for kids are the new ones—even if those memories aren't picture perfect.

For example, I guarantee your kid will remember their first time trying sushi, even if they end up nearly gagging at the sight of the raw fish. Sometimes, the more of a train wreck an experience is, the more memorable! These frustrating, everything's-going-wrong debacles become really funny stories to tell again and again over time. My daughter's and my first long train ride together a few summers ago was an epic disaster but we never get tired of telling the tale.

Novelty can come in smaller packages (and inexpensive ones), too, like putting a twist on an everyday activity. Chirico says unexpected surprises like "a picnic breakfast in pajamas, a bedtime story under the stars can spark delight and novelty."

4. Hands-on participation

Planning the perfect event is great if you can pull it off. But inviting your child into the planning process can make it even better and more memorable.

My wife recently took our daughter on a girls-only trip to Amsterdam and London. They had a lot of late-night planning sessions, pouring over maps and books together, reading blog posts, watching YouTube videos, and creating their perfect itinerary.

Having some ownership over the experience builds confidence in kids, helps create a sense of identity, and gets them even more engaged in what's happening. It also taps into repetition—they'll remember not just seeing Big Ben in person, but also reading about it, finding it on the map, and plugging it into the travel plan.

5. Sensory overload

The more sensory-rich an experience is, often the more memorable it is. Have you ever smelled something and immediately been transported back to middle school for some reason? Tasted a food that reminded you of your mom's cooking?

core memories, pixar, inside out, memory, brain science, childhood, kids, parenting, dads, fatherhood, parents, family Taste or smell can transport us directly into old memories. Giphy

"When kids are fully immersed through multiple senses, what they see, hear, smell, taste, and touch, the memory gets anchored in a deeper way," says Kim Feeney, play therapist at Butterfly Beginnings Counseling. "Think about it: the smell of sunscreen at the pool, the feel of sticky fingers from roasting marshmallows, the sound of fireworks booming on the 4th of July, those details become cues that can instantly transport a child back to that moment years later."

If you're doing something special with your kids, help point out some of the sensory input they're getting and it may help that experience become a core memory.

6. A good night's sleep

As fun as it is to keep your kids up late in the name of fun, adventure, and family bonding, try not to overdo it. Sleep actually plays an important role in our brain's attempts to commit things to memory. It's why pulling an all-nighter cramming for a test makes sense in theory, but in reality, you wind up losing a lot of good information because you skipped the sleep cycle your memory needed.

"Sleep and rest can also make memories last," writes Estevez. "Sleep consolidates short-term memories into long-term storage, therefore good sleep, especially REM or deep sleep cycles, is critical for making memories last."

core memories, pixar, inside out, memory, brain science, childhood, kids, parenting, dads, fatherhood, parents, family A good sleep helps form new memories. Giphy

In the end, though, don't stress too much about trying to create the perfect environment for core memories. They're a nice idea, and a great plot device for the Inside Out films, but they're not real in a scientific sense. And even if they were or are, it's impossible to predict exactly which memories will stick with us forever.

Our brains have extremely complicated systems of designating which memories to store and which ones to ditch. Every single one of us has mundane memories of no importance or significance that we, inexplicably, carry with us everywhere. And all of us have sadly forgotten about really incredible moments in our lives that would have been great to hold on to.

One thing that didn't make the list: Money. Kids won't remember how much you spent, only the feelings of laughter, love, and adventure that you help create for them.

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Joy

Neighbor sees kid 'tearing up' his driveway. People are loving the way he took action.

"This was the coolest and most heartwarming 'clickbait' I've come across thus far."

Canyon Chasers/Youtube

This is too good not to share.

Many of us had one of those neighbors growing up—the one who gave us the stink eye if we so much as looked at their perfectly mowed lawn and shooed us away if even our shadows crept onto their flower beds. There's a reason "Get off my lawn!" was a meme before memes were even a thing.

Then there are neighbors who rock. The ones who smile and wave through the window and share their fresh-baked cookies with the neighborhood kids. The folks who genuinely enjoy the vibrant energy that children bring to the block and embrace the idea of "it takes a village."

neighbors, feel good stories, positive news, community, kids, kids on bikes, neighborhood, canyon chasers May we all have neighbors like this. media4.giphy.com

When Dave, one of the guys behind Canyon Chasers, a motorcycle enthusiast website, shared a video of how he handled a kid who kept playing in his driveway when he wasn't home, it wasn't clear at first which kind of neighbor he was going to be. But then he explains how his security footage showed a preschooler riding his bike around his flat concrete driveway every evening, and how he decided to do something about it.

And what ensued was the best Anti-Get-Off-My-Lawn move that ended up pleasing more neighbors than he anticipated.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

How fun would that have been when you were a kid, seeing a chalk outline of a racetrack, made just for you, as if by magic? And how great that he made a new one each time it rained? And how delightful is it that people of all ages showed up to enjoy it?

Needless to say, there was a lot of praise for what Dave did, and many were relieved the story took an unexpected wholesome turn.

"One of the coolest things that a person can do to support the youths in his neighborhood."

"This was the coolest and most heartwarming 'clickbait' I've come across thus far."

"This is an example of how a small gesture could change a world for all to live in..."

neighbors, feel good stories, positive news, community, kids, kids on bikes, neighborhood, canyon chasers Good Neighbors Make Great Communities media0.giphy.com

Inquiring minds also wondered if the two ever met.

"I did. He's a super sweet kid," Dave wrote in the comments. "After a rain storm had washed the track away, I came out and he was drawing on my driveway with chalk. So I asked him what he was doing. He said 'I'm drawing a racetrack for you.'"

Imagine a world where all neighbors were this thoughtful and generous with their time and property. More of this, please.

This article originally appeared five years ago.

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5 ways old-school parents decompressed before cell phones and Netflix

"Get them to bed ON TIME. No flexibility."

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Parents in the 70s through the early 2000s had unique ways of relaxing before cell phones were prevalent.

Parents are more stressed out than ever. While the fundamentals of raising kids haven't changed much over the years, the environment in which we do it has rapidly become more complex and demanding. Social media bombards us with visuals of other parents' seemingly perfect lives and influencers who are constantly trying to sway us into their way of thinking. The demands on parents to be hyper-engaged and always "on: are rising. We get dozens of emails and texts from school and daycare every week that must be read, digested, and sometimes responded to. Securing childcare for summers and school breaks takes 100 hours of planning every year.

In short, parents are, on average, working more and doing more hands-on childcare than in decades past. You don't have to have a PhD in mathematics to know that the hours in the day just don't add up. So many parents are trying to cope in any way that they can, trying anything that might help them decompress, which includes a lot of different coping mechanisms like alcohol, THC gummies and weed, and mindlessly watching Netflix until they fall asleep. They're also withdrawing socially, over or undereating, and bottling up their feelings. Overall, it's not a great recipe.

One honest mom took to social media to make a confession. In a Reddit post, she confessed that sitting and mindlessly scrolling on her phone was the only thing she had that helped her decompress, and she wasn't feeling great about it.

She also asked for some advice from older generations who didn't have all the pressure to go-go-go, and who didn't have the option of numbly flicking through Instagram to pass the time: "Older parents, how did you decompress from toddlers? I’m a single mum and sometimes scroll my phone while she plays, esp. at noisy play gyms, just to mentally/physically reset. I feel guilty."

Older folks who were parents back in the 70s, 80s, 90s, and even early 2000s chimed in with plenty of timeless advice:

1. Put the kids to bed on time. No exceptions.

parents, parenting, old school parenting, gen x parents, boomer parents, boomer grandparents, millennial parents, kids, family For older generations of parents, bedtime was non-negotiable,. Photo by Anna Hliamshyna 💙💛 on Unsplash

Universally, the one thing older parents will always tell you is that you need to get your kids to bed on time and without feeling guilty about it. Personally, I struggle with this all the time. As your kids get older, they learn how to work you and guilt you into letting them stay up later and later. And, honestly, it's pretty awesome when your kids want to hang out with you by watching a show or playing a game together late into the evening.

But mommy and daddy need time to wind down before bed, too. Older generations were definitely better at sticking to the routine without exception.

"Get them to bed ON TIME. No flexibility except in emergencies or family events. Just seeing the bed time approaching, started my unwind. Then TV and books," one user wrote.

"My kids were ALWAYS in bed by 7:00. Then it was bath time with a good book for me. I was also a single mom and the sense of peace when they were finally asleep was exquisite!" said another.

"Set routines. That's it. No flexibility when it comes to meals, bedtime, etc. You can break that routine for very special occasions such as Birthdays, Christmas, etc however the routine is the ironclad rule of the household. This is for the kids to learn structure, and for you as the parent to get time to yourself," someone agreed.

Once the kids are firmly in bed, parents agreed that a whole wide world was open to you. You could do a puzzle, take a bath, enjoy a glass of wine. Or just go to bed yourself and get that coveted extra sleep!

2. Let them play unsupervised. Feel no guilt.

parents, parenting, old school parenting, gen x parents, boomer parents, boomer grandparents, millennial parents, kids, family Kids need unsupervised play time, and so do adults. Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

It's been a hot topic of debate as to why kids these days seem more anxious than previous generations. A lack of unstructured, unsupervised free play is definitely a factor. And, ironically, it's contributing to parents' stress, too.

This is definitely the making of the younger generation of millennial parents. Gen X and Baby Boomer parents had no issue with letting kids take advantage of their freedoms, and they were a lot more relaxed as a result.

"[My parents] let sleeping dogs lie so to speak. If it wasn't broke, they didn't look to fix it. If we were achieving as we should in school and not arrested as teenagers, they assumed we were doing fine and on track to get to college. Even as young kids we had enormous physical freedom to roam around the neighborhood on our own - and I grew up in Brooklyn and not an idyllic suburb. Both my parents worked and after we sat down to a home cooked meal on almost all week nights my parents essentially retreated to the living room and watched television or read and we kids also retreated," one user said.

"When my kids were little, I just let them play outside. They would ride their trikes back and forth on the sidewalk in front of the house. Usually a neighbor or two would also come out and we would visit while the kids ran around. After that, it was dinner time, maybe a little TV, and then bedtime. When they were older, we would go to the park and hang out with their friends while I chatted with the moms," said another.

3. Read. (Books, that is.)

parents, parenting, old school parenting, gen x parents, boomer parents, boomer grandparents, millennial parents, kids, family Reading instead of scrolling can make a huge difference. Photo by Marga Santoso on Unsplash

If you're getting the kids to bed at a decent hour or finding yourself with a few minutes of freedom in the middle of the day while they play outside, the older generations are begging you: Pick up a book instead of your phone.

"I had a book with me literally everywhere I went. If I had 30 seconds where total attention wasn't required, I was reading. Now I keep books on my phone so nothing's really changed except the medium," someone wrote.

"My mum used to lock herself in the toilet (as it was the only room with a lock) and read a lot of a book sat on the toilet," added another.

Reading books has tons of benefits for the brain, like making you sharper, more intelligent, and lowering stress. Screen time, on the other hand, is "empty calories" for the brain—it's easy and fun, but harmful in large amounts as it can lead to sleep issues and more anxiety, for starters.

Luckily, you can get a Kindle for pretty cheap and have easy, instant access to tons of books. The screen is easier on your eyes than a phone, and you won't get distracted by social media or texts.

4. Ask for help.

parents, parenting, old school parenting, gen x parents, boomer parents, boomer grandparents, millennial parents, kids, family Parents need more community support. Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

America has always been known as a heavily-individualistic culture. But over the years, the extended family unit has definitely suffered. A Surgeon General's advisory from 2023 shows that people communicate with family outside their immediate household far less often than in years past.

That's a shame, because older parents survived and thrived in part because they got more help. But help can take many forms, from grandparents to neighbors to friends. You might just have to learn how to ask for it:

"One more thing that probably made a big difference is grandparents. Back in the day when my kids were young, grandparents were probably a lot more available and active in the grandkids' lives than they are now. They gave us respite before we got to the point of feeling like we needed it," one user wrote.

"We collaborated with relatives or friends. get a pool of parents going, have meet ups with kids of similar age. you can then rotate with those parents if you have an appointment or just need an hour or two of sanity," said another.

"When my kids were young, we spent a lot of time with other families so the kids could go off and play together and we could have adult time. Kids could play safely outside and did so on a regular basis, mostly because parents were also outdoors more and adults who happened to be outside looked after other people's kids. Having strong communities, strong ties, made things a lot easier."

5. Zone out.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Just because older generations didn't have smartphones and streaming doesn't mean they didn't turn their brains off every now and then.

Their advice? Stop beating yourself up, even for your less-than-ideal coping habits. This stuff is hard.

"I would strap [my kids into] their car seat, close the door, and then walk around the car to the driver's seat. That short walk around the car was my happy place. An oasis of calm. A short interlude of bliss," one commenter joked.

"I was also a single mom. Phones weren’t as prevalent when the youngest was a toddler in 2008. I believe I would zone out. It was a form of meditation in a way. I was disassociating but if I scroll and dissasosiate on the phone I feel worse. Don’t beat yourself up. Hang in there!" said another.

"Peace in engagement, in quietly watching, quietly observing, especially since time flies and when you pick up your phone it flies even faster. Which creates more guilt and anxiety. Try it. Look at the time, play on your phone, see how fast time goes. But sit and do nothing but watch, and time slows down and you can rest."

One thing older generations of parents can all agree on is that the pressure today's parents face has gotten completely out of control. The truth is, the world is different, and not all of the "old ways" still work. But it doesn't mean we can't learn anything from how things used to be.

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