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There's something important happening in these tight-knit grandparent-grandchild moments.

You know that moment when a three-year-old runs full-speed into their grandpa’s arms like they haven’t seen him in years, even though it’s only been three days? Or when a sulky teenager who won’t even grunt “hello” to their parents suddenly lights up and starts chatting animatedly with grandma about the latest drama at school?

There’s something happening in these tight-knit moments that goes way deeper than many realize, and scientists have finally figured out what it is.

 grandparents, granchild, grandma, grandpa, child Researchers have discovered the secret to long-lasting relationships between grandparents and grandchildren.Photo credit: Canva

The secret that’s been hiding in plain sight

Researchers have spent years trying to understand why some grandparent-grandchild relationships are absolute magic whiles others just…aren’t. In a collection of generational research, scientists and psychologists have studied hundreds of families, tracked brain scans, measured stress hormones, and tracked childhood relationships for decades.

What they discovered was nothing short of amazing—and it might make you want to call your grandparents right now.

Grandparents who create those unbreakable bonds aren’t doing anything extraordinary; actually, it’s the exact opposite. They’re not the ones with the biggest toy budgets or most elaborate vacation plans. Instead, they’re practicing eight surprisingly simple habits that literally rewire children’s brains for trust, empathy, and emotional resilience.

And here’s the kicker: most of them don’t even realize they’re doing it.


The 8 habits that change everything

(1) They show up for the boring stuff:

Yes, birthday parties and graduation ceremonies are important, but grandparents who build the strongest bonds with their grandchildren understand something profound: random Tuesday afternoons matter just as a much as special occasions.

Child psychologists call this “predictable availability,” and it amounts to something like relationship gold. When kids know that grandma will be there, not just for the big moments, but also for homework help, scraped knees, and all the mundane moments that make up life, something powerful happens in their brain.

They develop what attachment theorists refer to as “earned secure attachment”—an unshakable trust in the other that becomes the bedrock for many other relationships they’ll experience in their lifetime.

(2) They listen like their life depends on it

In our phone-buzzing, multitasking world, grandparents who offer their grandchildren their complete, undivided attention generate something rare and increasingly precious. We’re talking about the kind of listening where phones remain face-down and eye contact doesn’t waver.

Without distractions, grandparents are able to really connect with the grandchildren in a way they might not experience in other aspects of their lives—and even for youngsters, that goes a long way.


 grandparents, granchild, grandma, grandpa, child Grandparents who consistently show up for their grandchildren tend to have more satisfying relationships. Photo credit: Canva

(3) They tell stories that make themselves human

The most powerful grandparent storytellers aren’t the ones with the most exciting tales, like meeting Mick Jagger backstage at a concert (although, that would be kind of cool): they’re the ones who are willing to be vulnerable. When grandpa admits that he failed his driving test twice, or grandma shares how terrified she was on her first day of high school, grandchildren learn important life lessons, like that imperfection is normal and resilience is possible.

In a paper published by Cambridge Development and Psychology, this phenomenon is labeled “narrative coherence.” These stories help children see themselves as a larger part of the family narrative, creating a sense of identity and belonging that research shows reduces anxiety and increases self-esteem.


(4) They cultivate judgment-free zones

Perhaps the most crucial habit involves cultivating what psychologists call “emotional safety nets.” These grandparents become skilled at offering comfort without conditions; acceptance sans lectures.

Children need at least one adult in their lives who accept them unconditionally. While parents must balance love with guidance and discipline, grandparents are uniquely positioned to fill this crucial role.

“For kids, an extremely important resilience factor is a warm, nurturing relationship with a parent, caregiver, or other adult,” said Dr. Sara VanBronkhorst, a voluntary faculty in psychiatry at Columbia who led a 2023 study published in JAMA Psychiatry. “Our study demonstrates that children who have at least one positive, committed adult-child relationship are less likely to experience depression, anxiety and perceived stress later in life.”

(5) They let the kids be the teachers

Here’s where it gets fascinating: the strongest grandparent-grandchild bonds often include moments where the child becomes the teacher. When grandparents humble themselves to learn about their interests—Pokémon cards, hour-long YouTube videos about ant colonies, hilarious TikTok filters, etc.—something wonderful occurs.

For children, teaching an adult something, no matter how mundane, validates their knowledge and boosts self-confidence. Research confirms that kids who regularly teach adults develop stronger communication skills and higher self-esteem.

(6) They keep their promises

This might seem obvious, but think back to childhood: how many times did you hear statements like, “I promise I won’t get mad,” and the exact opposite happened? Children’s brains are finely tuned to reliability patterns, meaning, when grandparents consistently follow through on commitments—even tiny ones—they build “earned security.”

This doesn’t need to be nitpicky. For example, when grandpa calls ahead to explain to his grandchild that Crumbl was closed, so he can’t bring the “promised” cookies, but suggests making them together instead, he doesn’t just fulfill a promise. He strengthens the bond by showing that his commitment matters, despite how “small” it may seem.

(7) They carve out one-on-one time

Family gatherings are crucial, but the deepest bonds form during individual interactions. Research shows that children have multiple aspects to them—different parts of themselves that emerge in various contexts. For example, a quiet child might become suddenly chatty during a solo walk with grandma.

These individual connections don’t require elaborate activities or effort. Sometimes, the most meaningful moments happen between a grandchild and grandparent during simple car rides to the grocery store or while folding laundry together.

(8) They adapt as the kids grow

The grandparents who maintain strong bonds through everything—the terrible twos, that phase when all the child can ask is “Why?”, and the teenage years—understand that all relationships must evolve. This might feel strange at first, like accepting the once-cuddly grandchild who now prefers fist bumps to hugs, or the moody teen who prefers to quietly scroll on their phones during visits.

Grandparents who take this all in stride, who can adapt without taking these changes personally, often find their relationships with their grandchildren to deepen during adolescence.

 grandparents, granchild, grandma, grandpa, children The most powerful connections don't spring from grand gestures or expensive gifts.Photo credit: Canva

It’s the simple truth that changes everything

So, the next time you're with your grandchildren—or you're thinking about the grandparents you’re lucky to have in life—remember this: the most powerful connections don’t spring from grand gestures or expensive gifts.

Relationships that matter—relationships that thrive—grow through an accumulation of small moments when someone important chooses to show up, listen with their whole heart, and love without conditions. In a world that increasingly feels divided and disconnected, these grandparent-grandchild relationships offer something quite precious: proof that genuine human connection is still possible, one random Tuesday afternoon at a time.

Johnny Cohen/Unsplash
Fed up parents explain why they 'never want to bring the kids over' to visit

It's a good news/bad news situation for parents of young kids. The good news? Everyone wants to spend time with the kids! Grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends. They all want a relationship and lots of special moments with the little ones. It's why people assume if you have family nearby that you're "so lucky," and that you're overrun with free babysitting offers. Ha! If only.

The bad news comes down to one phrase: "When are you bringing them over?" Parents have been frustrated by the expectations of orchestrating stressful visits for generations — loading the kids in a car or on an airplane only to spend hours chasing them around in an un-baby-proofed environment and watching routines go to hell.

Now they're sounding off on social media and airing their grievances.

Why visiting grandparents and other relatives is so challenging for parents

A mom recently took to Reddit to vent about everyone in her life wanting her to "bring the kids to them."

"My parents live 30 mins away and always bug me about not coming to visit them," she writes. They constantly ask, "Why don't you bring our granddaughter to come see us?"

The post struck a nerve with parents, who chimed in with hundreds of passionate comments. The fascinating discussion highlights a few things that make arranging visits with young kids a potential nightmare for parents.

Grandparents' houses are rarely childproofed

Grandparents love their breakable decor! Ceramic doo-dads, glass vases everywhere. They can't get enough. In fact, they like to dedicate massive pieces of furniture only to housing their fine china, which they never use, but which is also extremely valuable and sentimental.

And while they should be able to decorate their house however they see fit (they've earned the right!) that doesn't make it a good environment for toddlers and babies.


parents, parenting, moms, dads, grandparents, millennial grandparents, gen x, boomers, grandparent conflict, grandma, grandpaThe breakable decor found in every grandparents' house ozalee.fr/Flickr

"Last week was the last straw, I took my daughter to my parents and of course she went EVERYWHERE! flooded their toilet, broke a vase, and tried multiple times to climb their furniture," the Reddit mom writes.

Parents in a foreign environment are on constant safety duty and can rarely sit down

Let's be honest. Sometimes these "visits" are hardly worth the effort. After all, it's hard to get much catch up time when you're dutifully chasing your kid around.

"They don’t understand that my 3 yo ... is absolutely wild," writes another user in the thread. "She has no self preservation and nothing we do works. She doesn’t listen, she throws, she bites, she refuses to use the potty. It’s exhausting and then ... they expect us to entertain them, when I’m trying to just keep my kid from jumping off the stairs and into an ER visit."

A visit at the grandparents' house is often not a fun catch-up time for mom and dad. It's rare to get to sit down and have an adult conversation when they're busy trying to play Safety Police. It's common to leave one of these visits frustrating and like it wasn't really a visit at all.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Even just putting the kids in the car for a 20-minute drive is more work than it seems

Taking the kids out of the house requires packing a bag, bringing extra clothes, loading up on snacks, etc.

It seems easy to "pop over" but it actually absorbs the majority of the day between prep, visit, and aftermath. In the case of the OP mom and her parents that are "just" 30 minutes away, that's an entire hour of just driving, not counting any visiting time. If anyone's ever driven with young kids, you know that's an eternity! For a drive like that, you need snacks, you need entertainment. You may have to clean up spills, deal with traffic tantrums, or pull over to break up a fight. It's really a lot of work.

Naps and routines go to hell

Parents with babies and toddlers know all too well — there is a price to pay for taking the kids out of the house for too long.

Chances are, the baby won't nap in a strange environment and then you're stuck with a cranky kid the rest of the night. You can and will try, bringing your little pack-and-play and your best intentions, but the process will be draining and probably unsuccessful.

And then guess what? You're totally screwed when you go home later, yay!

Kids with special needs require even more consistency

Kids with autism or ADHD can really struggle outside of their zone of safety. They might become severely dysregulated, have meltdowns, or engage in dangerous behaviors. This adds even more stress to parents and makes the visits even less fun and satisfying in the end.

Explaining and mediating the generational divide

parents, parenting, moms, dads, grandparents, millennial grandparents, gen x, boomers, grandparent conflict, grandma, grandpaIt may be hard to navigate, but a positive child-grandparent relationship is such a powerful thing. Photo by Tim Kilby on Unsplash

Why is this a conflict almost all parents can relate to?

Is this a Boomer vs Millennials thing?

Some experts think that generational values and traditions might play a role.

"Many Boomers were accustomed to more traditional, hierarchical family dynamics, where visiting grandparents was a way for the younger generation to show respect," says Caitlin Slavens, a family psychologist.

But that's not to say this is a new problem. I can remember my own parents driving me and my brothers over an hour to visit my grandparents seemingly every other weekend, but very few occasions where they came to visit us. It must have driven my parents nuts back then!

Plus, it's easy to forget that it's hard for older people to travel, too. They may have their own issues and discomforts when it comes to being away from their home.

"But for today’s parents, balancing careers, kids’ routines, and the demands of modern parenting is a much bigger undertaking. Grandparents might not always see how childproofing their space or making the trip themselves could make a huge difference, especially considering how travel and disruption can impact younger kids' moods and routines," Slavens says.

"So yes, this divide often comes down to different expectations and life experiences, with older generations potentially not seeing the daily demands modern families face."

Is there any hope for parents and grandparents coming to a better understanding, or a compromise?

"First, open conversations help bridge the divide—explain how much of a difference it makes when the kids stay in a familiar space, especially when they’re very young," suggests Slavens.

"Share practical details about the challenges, like childproofing concerns or travel expenses, to help grandparents see it from a parent’s perspective. You might even work together to figure out solutions, like making adjustments to create a more child-friendly space in their home or agreeing on a shared travel plan."

Ultimately, it's a good thing when grandparents, friends, and other relatives want to see the kids. We all have the same goal. Just look at how incredible it can be when everything goes right:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

"It’s helpful to approach the topic with empathy, focusing on everyone’s goal: more quality time together that’s enjoyable and low-stress for everyone involved. For parents, it’s about setting boundaries that work, and for grandparents, it’s about recognizing that flexibility can really show the parents that you are ... willing to make adjustments for their children and grandchildren."

Enjoyable, low-stress quality time — that's something everyone can get behind.

This article was originally posted last year. It has been updated.

A mom struggles while his father is on vacation.

Canadian psychologist Elliott Jacques coined the term "mid-life crisis" in 1965 to describe a time in people’s lives when they begin to grapple with meaning, purpose, and mortality. This developmental state can inspire people to become more spiritual and improve their health. It can also cause people to seek extramarital affairs and buy a flashy car.

As baby boomers came of age, they were among the first generations to openly struggle with the mid-life crisis. You saw this often in '80s and '90s pop culture when men would buy sports cars and get their ears pierced to appear young and virile. Now that they’re at retirement age, boomers are embracing the three-quarter life crisis, where they're facing their mortality by travelling, taking risks, and living it up while they can. The problem is that this has taken them away from their roles as grandparents, and their millennial children feel abandoned.

What’s wrong with boomer grandparents?

baby boomers, grandparents, older couples, man and woman, couple in 60sA married man and woman in their late 60s.via Canva/Photos

Recent generational trends show a big rift between millennials and their boomer parents. The older generation isn’t keen on spending time with their grandchildren or helping their kids raise their families. At a time when the cost of living is through the roof, especially childcare, young families need more support than ever, and it feels like the baby boomers have dropped the ball by prioritizing their well-being over the children and grandchildren.

"It is a really common struggle," Leslie Dobson, a psychologist in Los Angeles, told Business Insider. "You have children, and it feels even more like an abandonment that they've chosen their life over meeting their grandchildren and building these relationships. There's almost like this three-fourth life crisis that [boomers are] in. And they're really looking at this as, 'Oh, my God, my life's almost over. When is my last day, and how am I going to live my best life?'"

stressed mom, milennial mom, baby, mom and baby, empty roomA mom an dher baby.via Canva/Photos

The crux of the generational rift is whether boomers should have to sacrifice their remaining years putting family first or whether they deserve to have fun while they can. Many in the younger generation see the decision to put good times and personal development before family as a hallmark of a group deemed the “Me Generation” in the ‘70s.

Do millennials and boomers parent differently?

To make things worse, when boomers are around to care for their grandchildren, their old-school, authoritarian approach to parenting often clashes with the more gentle, nurturing style adopted by the millennials. "What I've seen in my clients is there's a huge differentiation in parenting," Dobson said. "If you ask a millennial, the boomers are overly harsh and not good at parenting the younger children. And millennials are very aware of what could potentially be traumatizing, what is not gentle parenting."

Popular millennial parenting influencer Paige Connell went viral on TikTok recently for pointing out a big problem with boomer grandparents: they insist on doing it their way and won’t listen to their children. “It's so strange being a millennial parent with boomers who are now grandparents to your children. Because we all want them to have this, like, really close, loving relationship, but struggle for so many reasons,” she opens her video. “I think one of the biggest reasons is just the blatant disregard for any parenting decisions we make, and so this can look so many different ways, I think it starts when they're born, right.”

@sheisapaigeturner

This is a PSA for Boomer grandparents. If you value time and closeness with your kids and grandkids, I highly recommend that you learn what their boundaries are around parenting, and respect them respecting your children as they become parents goes a very long way for your relationship. ##boomergrandparents##boomerparents##boomervsmillennial##millennialmoms##boundarysetting##grandparentsoftiktok##momof4kids ##parentingstyle

Ultimately, the millennial-boomer generational divide isn’t just about parenting styles; it’s about expectations, values, and priorities. As millennials struggle with young children, boomers are off chasing joy and fulfillment in the final quarter of their lives. Hopefully, they can both understand each other and meet in the middle.

3-year-old saves great-grandma after she fell and hit her head

There's no rule that says only an adult can be a hero. Teens and sometimes small children can become heroes too, even when they're not thinking of themselves as someone worthy of a cape. Bridger Peabody is just three years old but the toddler is already adding hero to his resume before he even starts preschool.

Bridger is a huge fan of the show Paw Patrol, which came in handy when an emergency took place while he was being babysat by his great-grandmother Sharon Lewis, 77. The two were home alone when the unthinkable happened, "Gigi," which is what Bridger calls his grandma, fell and the toddler had to rescue her. Lewis uses a walker to get around and must've become unsteady on her feet while maneuvering the wheeled walker inside.

The pair were outside enjoying some playtime before everything went south. As they were making their way inside from playing in the backyard, Lewis fell—but it wasn't just a normal trip and fall. The great-grandma didn't land on her knees, bottom, or even her hands—which probably would caused enough damage. When Lewis fell, she forcefully hit her head on the cement steps and blood quickly rushed from her wound—but that wasn't the end of her problem.

elderly, great grandma, great grandma, injury, childcareThank goodness the little boy knew what to do. Giphy

"I tripped over something and fell and hit my head on the concrete step," Lewis tells Inside Edition.

The elderly woman was unable to move and her cell phone was not with her. Since she was home alone with the toddler, she realized he was the only one there who could help her. So, she instructed him to get her phone. Bridger may be young, but he knew his grandmother was hurt and needed his help. There were a couple of stumbling blocks for Bridger to overcome, though, the first one being that the phone was in the car, not inside the house. The second was that the sun had set and the toddler is afraid of the dark.

dark, emergency, child, great grandma, helpThe situation was pretty dire.Giphy

This is where Paw Patrol comes in. The show is popular with toddlers and preschoolers, and depicts cartoon dogs of different breeds donning uniforms from various help and service professions (firefighter, police, construction, etc.) to rescue different fictional animals. It shows kids the importance of bravery, team work, and kindness—which Bridger clearly picked up on. The little guy knew that it was dark outside, but he also knew he needed to help his great-grandmother—so he braved the dark channeling his inner Paw Patrol character.

His self pep talk was caught on camera and it's just as adorable as one might imagine. You can see Bridger holding his blankie in the night vision security camera as he walks to the car repeating, "Don't be afraid." The boy opens the car door and excitedly exclaims, "YAY! I did it!" when he gets inside the car. When the interior light turned on in the car, Bridger could clearly see the phone and was able to grab it and bring it back to his grandmother, allowing her to call 911.

The ambulance came to take Lewis to the hospital where she received 22 staples in her head. She's now home safely recovering all thanks to the bravery of her three-year-old great grandson.

This article originally appeared in March