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Motivation expert's two-word theory frees you from taking it personally when others let you down

You don't need to take responsibility for everyone.

via TEDx SF/Flickr

Mel Robbins giving a TEDx speech.

One of the most disappointing aspects of life is that, at some point, everyone close to you will eventually let you down or fall short of your expectations. Some have slip-ups and fall short of what you'd expect, and some consistently let you down your entire life.

It can be deflating when people don’t show up when you need them, especially if you have been there for them. When you need people and they don’t show up, it feels like you’re carrying a burden that you can never get off your back. That’s why Mel Robbins’ two-word “Let them” theory is so powerful. It liberates you from constantly feeling controlled by those who let you down.

What is the ‘Let them’ theory?

Mel Robbins is a podcast host, author, motivational speaker, former lawyer, and author of The Let Them Theory. In the TikTok video below, she explains how allowing people to be themselves gives you the power to improve the things you can control, instead of suffering in the same cycle of expectations and disappointments.

@melrobbins

People can only meet you as far as they've met themselves... and a lot of them haven't done the work. Listen to The Let Them Theory, narrated by yours truly, only on @audible 💚 #melrobbins #letthem #letthemtheory People can only meet you as far as they've met themselves... and a lot of them haven't done the work. Listen to The Let Them Theory, narrated by yours truly, only on @Audible 💚 #melrobbins #letthem #letthemtheory

The “Let them” practice begins by acknowledging that others are imperfect and we cannot change them. “People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves. Most people haven't gone to therapy, they haven't looked at their issues, and frankly, they don't want to. Let them. Let your parents be less than what you deserved," she opens the video. "Let your family life be something that isn't a fairy tale. Try to remind yourself that they're just doing the best they can with the resources and the life experiences they have."

mel robbins, motivation expert, mel robbins podcast, let them theory, microphoneMotivation expert Mel Robbins.Photo © Cody OLoughlin (PR Photo)

While it can be hard to admit that some of the most important people in your life will never turn things around to your satisfaction, accepting that reality is the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. “But here's the important part,” Robbins continues. “Now that you know the 'Let them' theory, you get to choose what happens moving forward, because you're gonna focus on what you can control, which is what you say, what you do, what you value, and what energy you bring to the relationship.”

Put simply: Now that you allow them to be who they are, you can act accordingly. You can stop carrying the weight of unmet expectations.

What is the locus of control?

Robbins’ theory is a simple way of understanding the locus of control psychological concept. The locus of control is the extent to which we believe we have control over our own lives. When our actions, thoughts, and feelings are contingent on events (and people) outside of our control, we have an external locus of control. The healthy thing is to revert that to an internal locus of control, where we believe we control the outcomes of our actions. Those with an internal locus of control tend to be less influenced by others, work hard to get what they want, and report being happier, and more independent.

mel robbins, motivation expert, mel robbins podcast, let them theory, psychologyMotivation expert Mel Robbins.Photo via © Tony Luong (PR Photo)

“The only person you can change is you,” Robbins says at the end of her video. "When you say ‘Let them,’ you see your family exactly as they are, perhaps for the very first time in your life. They're human. You have no control over what's happened. You have no control over who they are. You can only control what you do from this point forward. Accepting the reality of your situation doesn't mean you're surrendering to it. Instead, it's about reclaiming your power to shape your future.”

Now that you’ve taken control of your future, what are you going to do with it?

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'Let them be themselves': Mark Cuban’s parenting advice is surprisingly simple

Every parent should hear this.

Credit: Gage Skidmore, Flickr

Mark Cuban's estimated net worth is $5.7 billion, but he still cares about raising children with a strong work ethic.

When it comes to billionaire parenting, one thinks of pouting children, upset that their pony’s coat isn’t the right color. Or jam-packed schedules and elite boarding schools, where there are fancy plaid uniforms and everyone speaks three-to-four languages, minimum. But sometimes, the best advice comes in the simplest form, wisdom that Mark Cuban, the billionaire entrepreneur and former Shark Tank investor seems understand well.

During a recent appearance on the Your Mom’s House podcast, Cuban opened up about how he and his wife, Tiffany Stewart, tried to raise their children somewhat “normally,” despite the glaring fame, fortune, and pressure that comes with being a person like Mark. With an estimated net worth of $5.7 billion, it’d be more than easy for him to outsource parenting duties to hired professionals, or to prescribe his children a 65-year plan drawn up before they were even born. However, he explains that he and his wife decided to foster one essential trait: “Everything’s changing so rapidly, from a technological perspective, just the world in general. So, you know, just be curious,” he says. “That’s what I try to get them to do, right? Be curious so that you always want to learn something, and figure things out.”


Curiosity is overlooked as a trait to cultivate in children, yet research has shown that curiosity is an incredibly powerful trait, one that impacts learning, creativity, and success. A study conducted in 2011 found that curiosity, or a “hungry mind” is just as useful for predicting academic performance in children as intelligence and effort, writing, “Our results highlight that a “hungry mind” is a core determinant of individual differences in academic achievement.”

“And everything’s changing so rapidly—from a technology perspective, just the world in general. So just, you know, be curious. That’s what I try to get them to do, right? Be curious so that you always want to learn something, and figure things out. The more knowledge you have, the more—not power, but the more capabilities you have, and the more options are available to you.”

It even makes us feel good: our brains release dopamine and other feel-good chemicals when we encounter new experiences, places, ideas, and people. Science also shows that curiosity is associated with higher levels of positive emotions, a higher satisfaction with life, lower levels of anxiety, and greater psychological well-being.


via GIPHY


How to raise curious kids in four key principles

However, for children, embracing uncertainty and stepping out of their comfort zones might feel scary. Which is why Cuban and his wife made curiosity a high priority when raising their kids. Here are four strategies for nurturing this trait in children—and with some luck, successful adults will appear on the other end.


child, curiosity, exploration, freedom, parenting"Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back." Credit: Justin Peterson on Unsplash

  1. Don’t pressure them to choose careers too early. Despite society’s love of asking children “So, what do you want to be when you grow up?” Cuban strongly believes that expecting children to know their life’s calling at 18 or even 22 is outdated and unrealistic. “I was talking to one of my kids about college the other day, and it’s like, you don’t have to know what you’re going to be when you grow up,” he shared. “I don’t think any kid should be under the pressure at 18 or 22, when they graduate from college, to know exactly what they’re going to do.”
  2. Knowledge is power. One of the most common adages in the book, but for Cuban, it was essential that his children learned that curiosity leads to real-life skills, abilities, and talents, unlike control. “The more knowledge you have, the more—not power, but the more capabilities you have, and the more options are available to you,” he explained.
  3. Change is the only constant. Get used to it. As someone whose made billions from multiple side projects, investments, and major sports team ownership, Cuban understands better than most that life doesn’t always follow a straight and narrow path. Rather than clinging to the ways things were, Cuban encourages parents to embrace the rapidly changing world we live in. Children who are taught to adapt, pivot, and evolve will be better suited in a world where entirely new fields of work emerge constantly–and will be better equipped than their peers to handle the job market’s volatility.
  4. Let them decide their own path. Ensuring their children had the freedom to explore and discover their own interests was of the utmost importance to Cuban. Other parents might want to project an agenda onto their children, reflecting their own insecurities or need for reassurance that they’ve raised a “successful kid.” And while letting go of the reins may be scary for parents, it will be well worth it: “I want them to go on their own path,” Cuban says. “Whatever it might be, I want them to be themselves. I don’t want them to be Mark Cuban’s kid for their entire lives.”

via GIPHY

It’s clear from the interview that Cuban and his wife recognized the uniqueness and the scale of their position. At one point, when talking about his kids' future inheritances, he says, “I’ve watched Succession. I don’t want it to be like that.” And while he, like any other parent, wants their child to do well and to succeed in life, when it’s all said and done, he really just loves being a father. “My favorite word in the world is 'Dad,’” he says, smiling.

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Quick thinking waitress worried that a boy was being abused, so she flashed him a secret note

It took her multiple attempts to get through to the frightened boy.

via WFTV
Quick thinking waitress had a gut feeling a boy was being abused. So she gave him a sign.

Everyday acts of heroism and bravery aren't always easy. They take quick-thinking, an ability to assess a dangerous situation, and courage to act on a gut instinct that might be wrong; or worse, might put you in danger. And then of course there's the bystander effect, a theory in social psychology wherein individuals tell themselves that someone else will help, someone more qualified and prepared to handle this situation will step in.

To overcome our human nature, nerves, self-preservation, and psychology in order to step in to help is truly a remarkable feat. And yet it happens every day, and never fails to inspire us when such stories make headlines.

Server Flavaine Carvalho was waiting on her last table of the night at Mrs. Potatohead's, a family restaurant in Orlando, Florida when she noticed something peculiar.

The parents of an 11-year-old boy were ordering food but told her that the child would be having his dinner later that night at home. She glanced at the boy who was wearing a hoodie, glasses, and a face mask and noticed a scratch between his eyes.

A closer look revealed a bruise on his temple.

So Carvalho walked away from the table and wrote a note that said, "Do you need help?" and showed it to the boy from an angle where his parents couldn't see.

heroes, heroism, everyday hero, bravery, child abuse, kids, parenting, crime, police, heartwarming, rescueMrs. Potatohead's restaurant in Orlando, Florida. The child was sitting at a table like these when Carvalho noticed him.Facebook

The boy shook his head, no. But the waitress didn't give up, her gut was telling her something wasn't right. "I knew it that he was afraid," she said.

Her instincts were on the right track. Unexplained injuries on a child, and a parents' attempt at hiding or disguising them, are a big red flag for child abuse.

Carvalho made two more attempts until the boy nodded yes.

The server then called the owner of the restaurant to let her know that she was going to call the police on the boy's parents. It was a bold move with very little information to go on, but one that Carvalho knew was right in her heart. She knew she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she didn't speak up in that moment.

The police arrived and arrested the boy's stepfather on one count of third-degree child abuse. His mother Kristen Swann was arrested with two counts of child neglect.

A four-year-old girl was later taken from the family by authorities. They say she showed no signs of abuse.

Detectives spoke with the boy and learned his parents frequently withheld food from him as a form of punishment. He was 20 pounds underweight. After searching his body, they discovered that he was nearly covered in bruises.

His father had recently beat him with a broomstick and back scratcher. The man, Timothy Lee Wilson, received a life sentence in 2022. The boy's mother was also convicted on her charges of child neglect.

heroes, heroism, everyday hero, bravery, child abuse, kids, parenting, crime, police, heartwarming, rescueThe parents were taken into custody thanks to the waitress' heroic actions via Orlando PD

The boy told detectives that he was once hung upside down from his ankles in a door frame by his father and had been restrained by being strapped to a furniture dolly.

"To be honest what this child had gone through was torture," Detective Erin Lawler said. "There was no justification for it in any realm of the world. I'm a mother and seeing what that 11-year-old had to go through, it shocks your soul."

Carvalho's quick thinking and bravery may have saved the lives of two children.

"This could have been a homicide situation if she had not have intervened," Orlando Police Chief Orlando Rolon said.

"The lesson here for all of us is to recognize when we see something that isn't right to act on it… This saved the life of a child," he added.

The restaurant's owner, Rafaela Cabede, hopes that Carvalho's bravery inspires others to look out for signs of abuse as well. It's so difficult and important for adults to understand the warning signs for child abuse, as it's often difficult or impossible for children to speak up for themselves in these situations.

heroes, heroism, everyday hero, bravery, child abuse, kids, parenting, crime, police, heartwarming, rescueIt's not always obvious when kids need help, so we have to look carefully. Photo by Luke Pennystan on Unsplash

Visible bruises, withdrawn behavior, and limited contact with the outside world are key warning signals. With about one in seven U.S. children tragically suffering some form of abuse, all adults need to be on the lookout for the signs.

"We understand that this has to encourage other people that when you see something, say something," Cabede said. "We know when we see a situation that is wrong, we know what's the right thing to do. We know that speaking up is the right thing to do. But it takes more than acknowledging it. It takes courage.

This article originally appeared four years ago. It has been updated.

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'World's greatest pickpocket' shows how he uses misdirection to steal a man's watch and wow

He duped the whole audience at the same time, right in plain sight.

TED/YouTube

Apollo Robbins steals a man's watch in front of an audience.

It's weird to know that there are people out there who can fool the rest of us completely, manipulating natural human tendencies in order to dupe and deceive. We call these people con artists or crooks—except when they do it for entertainment and we're in on the ploy, in which case we call them sleight of hand artists or magicians.

In many ways, the latter takes more skill. Fooling someone who isn't expecting it is easy compared to fooling someone who knows you're trying to trick them. Masters of the craft are able to trick the average person even as the person watches carefully for signs of trickery, and they do it through the art of misdirection.

sleight of hand, pickpocket, misdirection, Apollo Robbins, human behavior, TED TalkMagic tricks often use misdirection.Photo credit: Canva

Apollo Robbins is one of the world's leading experts on pickpockets, confidence crimes, and deception (being skilled at all of the above himself) and his TED Talk demonstrates exactly how he uses misdirection to dupe not only the man he brings onstage, but the entire audience as well at the same time.

Robbins starts his Talk by asking if the audience thinks it's possible to control someone's attention and predict human behavior. It would be a superpower, wouldn't it? Then he walks audience members through a series of tasks to illustrate how we don't fully use our powers of observation at all times. For instance, he asks everyone to recall what icon they have on the bottom right of their phones and then check to see if they're right. After putting the phones away, he then asks what time was on the screen they just looked at. Most people didn't take note of that because it wasn't where their attention was.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Then he points out that they've all been looking at him for a couple of minutes, so he asks them the close their eyes and recall what he's wearing. "What color is my shirt? What color is my tie?" he asks. These are all tasks meant to illustrate how many things we don't consciously notice or perceive that are right in front of us.

Robbins begins to explain how our brains work and how he is able to manipulate our attention as a limited resource, but then says it's easier just to demonstrate how he does it. He brings a man from the crowd on stage and proceeds to do a series of sleight-of-hand tricks with a poker chip while simultaneously stealing the man's watch and putting it on his own wrist.

But then, at the end of the demonstration, he asks the audience once again what he's wearing. And that's the real mic drop. Woah. (Watch the above video if you haven't yet—spoilers below.)

People were wowed by how fooled they were.

pickpocket, misdirection, Apollo Robbins, human behavior, TED TalkApollo Robbins is an experienced pickpocket.Photo credit: Canva

"So he made it seem like the volunteer was being distracted and we as the audience were watching him be distracted while the magician obviously showed off stealing the volunteer's items, but in actuality we as the audience were being distracted while the magician did a quick change act. Wonderful way to prove the concept!"

"It’s especially great when things like this work on both and audience and the people watching the video."

"'Don’t have to close your eyes this time. What am I wearing' Me:.... It’s rewind time."

"This was mind-boggling, had to replay several times just to understand what was going on. Amazing live performance!"

sleight of hand, card tricks, misdirection, gif, skillSleight of hand tricks often use misdirection.Giphy GIF by Digg

"It's fascinating, that even though you know he is somehow going to 'trick' you, you just can't get over it."

"What he said at the end has stuck with me - 'If you could control someone's attention, what would you do with it?'"

That's the million dollar question, isn't it? If someone can control people's attention for nefarious purposes, can we do something similar for good? Either way, being aware of how our minds work and how our behavior can be manipulated is important to know, and Robbins' TED Talk perfectly demonstrates that.

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