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Neuropsychologist argues why parents are 'shepherds' not 'engineers' in viral 2 minute speech

“This hit harder than any parenting advice I’ve ever heard.”

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Are you an engineer parent or a shepherd parent?

The intention of almost any parent is to do everything in their power to eventually bring a well-rounded, healthy, happy adult into this world. And yet, parents today are uniquely challenged with the anxiety that comes from this false narrative that if you somehow do everything “right,” your child will have all the success in the world.

And if you didn’t do the thing—have the perfect amount of omega-3s during pregnancy, adhere to the most astringent no-screen rules when they’re toddlers, etc.—you take the blame for any shortcomings your child develops.

However, according to one expert, it might be time for parents to reassess how much power they actually do have in the childrearing process.

In 2022, Dr. Russell Barkley, a psychologist who’s done a lot of pioneering work focused on ADHD, had a very tough love speech (one that seems to be going viral yet again) that began with the words, “The problem with parents these days…”


While that might be a little off-putting at first, trust that the overall message is pretty sound. There's nothing overgeneralized or finger-wagging about it, actually. In fact, it’s more of a permission slip for parents to breathe a bit and enjoy the process.

You do not get to design your children.

Nature would never have permitted that to happen. Evolution would not have allowed a generation of a species to be so influenced by the previous generation. It hasn't happened and it doesn't happen and it especially doesn't happen in children.

You do not design your children.

Barkley then gives the example of playing Mozart while pregnant will spawn a “genius,” or that “enough crib toys” will “fire enough synapses” to make a child grow up a “brilliant mathematician." Sure, stimulations matters, but more likely than not, the necessary stimulation is already being provided and no amount of extra effort will take away this truth:

You just don't have that kind of power…it’s out of your hands.

ussell barkley, nature vs nurture, raising kids, kid psychology, psychology, neuroscience Pregnant woman enjoys music (Mozart, perhaps) smiling gently with headphones.Photo credit: Canva

That can be a tough pill to swallow, but Barkley doubled down on his findings from “twenty years of research in neuroimaging, behavior genetics, developmental psychology, neuropsychology, all of which could apparently be boiled down to:

Your child is born with more than 400 psychological traits that will emerge as they mature, and they have nothing to do with you. So the idea that you are going to engineer personalities and IQs and academic achievement skills and all these other things just isn't true."

Still, there is also a beautiful gift in surrendering to this fact, Barkley said, wherein parents get to view their child as less of a “blank slate on which they get to write” and more of a “a genetic mosaic of their extended family.”

And this is where his famous “Shepherd vs. Engineer” analogy comes in.

I like the shepherd view. You are a shepherd. You don't design the sheep. The engineering view makes you responsible for everything--everything that goes right and everything that goes wrong. This is why parents come to us with such guilt. More guilt than we've ever seen in prior generations. Because parents today believe that it's all about them, and what they do, and if they don't get it right, or if their child has a disability, they've done something wrong when in fact the opposite is true. This has nothing to do with your particular brand of parenting.

So I would rather you would stop thinking of yourself as an engineer, and step back and say "I am a shepherd to a unique individual." Shepherds are powerful people. They pick the pastures in which the sheep will graze and develop and grow. They determine whether they're appropriately nourished. They determine whether they're protected from harm. The environment is important but it doesn't design the sheep. No shepherd is going to turn a sheep into a dog. Ain't gonna happen. And yet that is what we see parents trying to do, all the time.

In this speech, Barkley made sure to note the unique, vital role for parents of children with special needs, suggesting that they often feel the pressure to coax them into people that they are not, as a way of protecting them. But, as he said, “No shepherd is gonna turn a sheep into a dog.”

He then brought it all home with what’s to be gained by loosening the grip:

Recognizing that this is a unique individual before you allows you to enjoy the show. So open a bottle of chardonnay, kick off your slippers, sit back, and watch what takes place. Because you don't get to determine this. Enjoy the show. It doesn't last that long--they are gone before you know it.

Let them grow, let them prosper, please design appropriate environments around them, but you don't get to design them.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Obviously, there’s plenty of arguments to be made on either side of the whole nature vs. nurture debate, but the major takeaway seems to be that a parent’s role is equally active—providing structure, stimulation, nurturing, nourishing, etc—as well as passively observing (and accepting) what organically emerges. That latter responsibility might be even harder to fulfill than the former, but it beats stressing out over “engineering” the perfect child.

At its core, Barkley’s shepherd approach seems to be a way for parents to not only offer their kids a bit more grace, but themselves as well. That way everyone can feel safe to be their most authentic selves.

By the way, here is a link to The Blank Slate: The Modern Denial of Human Nature, which Barkley references.

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Leading psychologist shares the trick to learning new skills when it feels so frustrating

What are the frustrating barriers holding you back?

via Business Wire and Canva

A girl is frustrated learning piano and Dr. Becky Kennedy.

Everyone has a particular skill they’d like to learn, but many of us fall short of our goals due to frustration. After a few hours of playing guitar, your fingers hurt. It’s upsetting to shank the golf ball every time you try your pitching wedge. You want to finish a novel, but the writer’s block gets in the way.

Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist, mom of three, and author of Good Inside: A Practical Guide to Being the Parent You Want to Be, says that instead of seeing frustration as a hindrance, it’s time to recognize it for what it is: a sign that you’re acquiring a new skill. “The more we understand that the frustration and struggle is actually a sign we’re [learning], not a sign we’re doing something wrong, it becomes a lot easier to tolerate,” Kennedy told CNBC's Make It.

How to fight back against frustration when learning something new

Kennedy’s advice is eye-opening because we often label temporary feelings of frustration as signs of failure when, in reality, it’s a sign that we are building a new skill. There is no way to learn anything new that doesn’t feel frustrating or require resilience.

@aarondinin

Hope you enjoy learning from @Dr. Becky | Psychologist as much as my class did! #learningtofail #dukestudents #resilience

In a video posted to TikTok, Kennedy notes that there are two stages of learning something new—“Learning” and “Not Learning”—and that the only thing in between those two stages, the "Learning Space," is nothing but frustration. “Being resilient doesn't feel resilient at all. It feels so messy,” she tells the students in the video. “No matter what, you're learning something on a job, something from puzzles, learning to read, you don't know how to do it, you want to know how to do it. And what I think is really empowering to know is the Learning Space has one feeling associated with it: Frustration. That's literally how learning feels.”

What is the Learning Space?

The key is to reframe the feeling of frustration from one of failure to progress. Once you see frustration in a new way, you’ll be more likely to power through it.

A great way to visualize frustration is to imagine that the uncomfortable feeling you have in your head is neurons in your brain realigning to help you get through the task and wire the new skill into your brain. It’s a brief moment of being under construction, and soon, a new you will emerge with a talent you never had before.

In another video, Kennedy explains how many of us were taught to avoid frustration as children, which means a lot of us stop short of reaching our full potential. But those of us who can stay in that Learning Space will be able to go to it again and again, drastically improving our potential.

@drbeckyatgoodinside

You may have seen the video of me guest lecturing at my alma mater, Duke University, in a class called Learning to Fail, which is part of the resilience curriculum. I spoke about the concept of the Learning Space, and the video has now been shared 246,000 times. 🤯 I’m absolutely blown away by your reaction to this video. The Learning Space is something I feel deeply passionate about, and it’s a concept I’m always trying to instill in my own kids. At Good Inside, we focus on building capability, not fragility. We don’t prioritize short-term gratification; our goal is to build skills today that will help our kids thrive as adults in the future. So to everyone who’s sharing this idea, drawing your own versions of “The Learning Space,” and instilling this concept in your kids, thank you. Together, we’re raising a generation of strong, resilient children.

“When I think about my kids and learning to fail, or really, in my language, learning to struggle, I want them to become experts,” Kennedy said. “Not experts at knowing, experts at staying in the learning space. My goal with my kids is like, I want you to get comfortable in that space. Because the knowing and the success happens whenever it happens, but it always happens in more areas of life and more quickly for the people who can stay in the frustration.”

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Psychotherapist explains a possible childhood reason you always procrastinate—and how to fix it

"Procrastination is often not the root problem; it's a symptom."

Image via Canva/Anna Tarazevich

Psychotherapist explains childhood connection to procrastinating.

Procrastination is a tough habit to break. If you find yourself procrastinating (delaying accomplishing tasks or duties), you probably understand how it can mount into crushing anxiety—and you may be looking for advice on how to stop procrastinating all together.

In an online discussion on procrastination, psychotherapist Marco Sander offered his insight into why you may find yourself procrastinating—and it all relates to your childhood. He beings by explaining that he has spent years working with people who struggle with procrastination.

During that time with his patients, he has recognized a a common thread between them all. "Most people think they need to just 'push harder,' 'set more goals,' or 'finally get disciplined,' but procrastination is often not the root problem; it's a symptom."

procrastinate, procrastination, procrastinating, procrastinate gif, how to stop procrastinating Bored To Death Waiting GIF by Travis Giphy

"The underlying issue is stress," he shared, adding that specifically it is internal emotional stress. He offers three examples of this:

  • Perfectionism: "If it's not 100%, it’s worthless."
  • Fear of failure or criticism: "If I don’t start, I can’t fail."
  • Lack of clarity: When the task feels like a huge, undefined mountain.
Sander notes that the link between internal emotional stress and procrastination is rooted in early childhood experiences and wounds. "For instance, if you had a hypercritical parent, you might have internalized the belief that 'I’m not good enough, yet.' So now, as an adult, you’re putting pressure on yourself before anyone else can—trying to finally do everything correctly," he explains. "This perfectionism or fear becomes your attempt to avoid the emotional pain of being criticized again. But eventually, your system says, 'I can’t do this anymore,' and so, you procrastinate."

procrastinate, the procrastinator, always procrastinating, stop procrastinating, procrastination procrastinate the amanda show GIF by NickSplat Giphy

While willpower and establishing productivity systems and habits can help people overcome procrastination, he notes that 90% of the procrastination "equation" is "understanding and healing the root of that inner pressure you put on yourself every day. And often, the fastest path forward is counterintuitive: less pressure, more compassion. It´s about healing your childhood wound."
The solution? To first acknowledge and recognize your childhood wound.
"First, you gotta figure out the specific kind of wound that is holding you back. Then you can start healing it. If I had to generally summarize the healing then it would be: 'Healing comes when we meet our wounded places with compassion.'" This includes inner child work, inner family systems, and chair work. He adds, "Going through those experiences while adding a new layer of emotion which is more compassionate will slowly heal the wound and potentially, you will feel less stressed and ultimately procrastinate less."

identity, healing, inner child, heal inner child, healing work Lilly Singh Oops GIF by A Little Late With Lilly Singh Giphy

In another comment, Sander added: "Most of the time it is not one traumatic event that happened which makes the link so clear. Most of the time it is just a general atmosphere throughout your childhood. Nobody intended harm but nevertheless you somehow got the feeling that you have to do something more to be truly accepted."
His insightful observations were praised by people struggling with procrastination. "This is one of the most insightful explanations of procrastination I’ve read. Framing it as a symptom of internal stress rather than laziness or lack of discipline is so important especially for people who’ve been hard on themselves for years," one wrote. "What really resonated with me was the part about perfectionism and early childhood experiences. That fear of 'not doing it right' or 'not being good enough' can silently run the show without us even realizing it."

perfect, perfection, perfectionist, perfectionism, being perfect do better paul hollywood GIF by PBS Giphy

Another added, "I am like this but my parents were always super supportive. These are the exact reasons why I procrastinate though. I also suffer from depression."
Others who struggle with procrastination were somewhat skeptical, but offered advice that worked for them.
"For chronic procrastinators, even attempting to 'heal' your childhood wound is a form of procrastination. There is never a point where it gets healed and then you are free of procrastination," one procrastinator shared.
"First, start—(hardest part) Second, gain momentum. Third, keep going. Your mind is a sneaky b*stard who will come up with 99 seemingly legitimate reasons to NOT do that one thing which has been eating away at you. But you just gotta do it anyway. Reflect on your life and goals in your free time. Purpose is what drives us all. But do the damn work. Do it scared. Do it unsure. Do it ugly. Do it broke. Do it tired. Do it anyway. Do it. The only way out is through."
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'Don't orient them.' Psychologist has beautiful advice for talking to people with dementia.

"This is an opportunity to communicate and treasure memories real but out of time."

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A person with dementia and their loved one.

Few things are more difficult than watching a loved one's grip on reality slipping away. Dementia can be brutal for families and caregivers, and knowing how to handle the various stages can be tricky to figure out.

The Alzheimer's Association offers tips for communicating in the early, middle and late stages of the disease, as dementia manifests differently as the disease progresses. The Family Caregiver Alliance also offers advice for talking to someone with various forms and phases of dementia. Some communication tips deal with confusion, agitation and other challenging behaviors that can come along with losing one's memory, and those tips are incredibly important. But what about when the person is seemingly living in a different time, immersed in their memories of the past, unaware of what has happened since then?

Psychologist David McPhee shared some advice with a person on Quora who asked, "How do I answer my dad with dementia when he talks about his mom and dad being alive? Do I go along with it or tell him they have passed away?"

dementia, parents with dementia, dementia treatment, psychologist, psychology, aging, hospice "Enter into his reality and enjoy it."Photo credit: Canva

McPhee wrote:

"Enter into his reality and enjoy it. He doesn't need to be 'oriented.' Thank God the days are gone when people with advanced dementia were tortured by huge calendars and reminder signs and loved ones were urged to 'orient' them to some boring current 'reality.'

If dad spends most of his time in 1959, sit with him. Ask questions he didn't have time for before. Ask about people long dead, but alive to him, learn, celebrate your heritage. His parents are alive to him. Learn more about your grandparents. If he tells the same story over and over, appreciate it as if it's music, and you keep coming back to the beautiful refrain.

This isn't 'playing along to pacify the old guy,' this is an opportunity to communicate and treasure memories real but out of time."

People on Quora loved the thoughtful, compassionate advice. Many people shared that they had taken this approach with their relatives with good results, and people who work with dementia patients confirmed it also. Some said that "orienting" to present reality may be helpful for people in the early stages of dementia, but not necessarily in the middle or later stages.

Of course, caregivers know that dementia means more than simply living in another time period in your head, and that talking with a person with dementia might require different skills and approaches on different days. But this advice to learn about a loved one's past may come in handy for family members who feel sad or hurt that they aren't being remembered in the present. It may help to see it as an opportunity to time travel with the person rather than a loss. When a person is deep in their long-term memory, you may be surprised and delighted by what you can discover.

dementia, parents with dementia, dementia treatment, psychologist, psychology, aging, hospice People with dementia don't need to be brought back to the present.Photo credit: Canva

People with dementia don't need to be brought back to the present if it's just going to confuse or irritate them. If they are in a safe place and are being watched over so they don't wander or do something dangerous, let them be. Join them in their past world and get to know them in a way you may not have had the opportunity to otherwise.

Solid advice, Dr. McPhee. Thank you for sharing it publicly.

This article originally appeared four years ago.

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