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psychology

Joy

Bill Murray's 7 rules for happiness are a perfect 90-second guide for living the good life

Rule 4: "Tell everyone you're retired."

Adam Chitiyat/Wikipedia

Bill Murray shares his 7 rules for happiness

One of the greatest gifts the Internet bestows upon us is the likelihood of stumbling across the condensed, bite-sized version of someone else’s painstaking research. We’re basically living life with full time SparkNotes access.

This go around, we’re reaping the benefits of the X account Pink Freud spending 15 hours watching Bill Murray interviews, all to find the secret behind his seemingly constant happiness.

As Pink Freud wrote in his caption, “the man laughs like he knows something we don’t. Turns out… he does.”

And perhaps they have a point. While the Groundhog Day actor is no stranger to controversy, he still seems to know a thing or two about emotional resilience, and it’s wisdom that we could all probably apply in our everyday life.

According to Pink Freud, the path to a Bill Murray type of happy life comes down to these seven rules.

1. Chase moments, not meaning.


This is similar to the adage of following your curiosity, rather than passion. Because looking for meaning or purpose can put so much pressure on ourselves, and conversely, we often cultivate meaning when we are in the moment.

2. Forget chasing fame.

“Try being rich first. See if that doesn’t cover most of it. There's not much downside to being rich, other than paying taxes and having your relatives ask you for money. But when you become famous, you end up with a 24-hour job.”

This hits two points. One, financial security covers a lot in terms of freedom and security. Get your money squared away so that you don’t yearn for one big break to come along and change your fate. And two, fame rarely gives as much as it takes. As Pink Freud wrote, it “hijacks your nervous system” and “inflates ego” by placing self worth on public opinion, which we all know is incredibly changeable.

3. “The more relaxed you are, the better you are.”

Murray learned early on that relaxation = more fun, and more fun = better work.

“That’s sort of why I got into acting. I realized the more fun I had, the better I did it. And I thought, that’s a job I could be proud of. It’s changed my life learning that, and it’s made me better at what I do.”

Basically, relaxation brought on a more effortless, and joyful performance. You don’t need to be an actor to unlock that freedom.

4. "Tell everyone you’re retired."

This is apparently something that Murray tells people all the time. Pink Freud noted that this way of boundary setting is a way to “protect your energy” and “filter out the noise.”

5. "Be weird as hell"


Pink Freud referenced the well known fact that Murray regularly crashes weddings, writing that it’s a great example of how “dropping your persona” is “the fastest way to remember who you are.”

6. Most health advice is too serious.


“I’m not an alcoholic. I only drink twice a year: on my birthday, and when it’s not my birthday.”

While no one is advocating alcoholism, the point here is that health isn’t about perfection. Be human, rest (without having to “earn” it), and enjoy the treat, whatever that is.

7. “It’s hard to be an artist. It’s hard to be anything. It’s hard to be.”

This is akin to the “choose your hard” quote. Every path in life will have its challenges, especially the worthwhile ones. But, “playing small costs more.”

So, there you have it. Follow the fun. Relax. Don’t take things too seriously. All of these things have indeed been proven to help boost mood, according to science. But sometimes it hits a little deeper coming from a real person who, in this case, just happens to be Bill Murray.

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Are you guilty of 'boomerasking'? Why this common conversation faux pas makes you less likeable

And no, it has nothing to do with boomers.

Photo credit: Canva

A hand coming through a blue wall holding a boomerang.

You might have never heard the term “boomerasking” until now, but you’ve almost certainly experienced it…and might have even done it yourself. And no, this has nothing to do with boomers asking why folks can’t pick themselves up by the bootstraps. In fact, this conversation faux pas can be committed by any age group.

Boomerasking is when someone asks a question, only to bring the focus back onto themselves, ala a boomerang.

Example: you ask “how was your day?” to a friend. Your friend responds, “fine, I got some deals at Costco,” and you reply, “well my day was great, I found $100 on the sidewalk, and someone complimented my new shoes!”

Essentially, you didn’t pose the question to really listen to your friend’s answer, but rather to talk about yourself. That’s boomerasking in a nutshell.

boomerasking, conversation tips, social skills, how to talk to people, psychological studyTwo people talking.Photo credit: Canva

But according to new research from the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, there’s a bit more to glean from this. For starters, researchers broke boomerasking down into three categories:

  • “Ask-bragging” - when someone asks a question only so that they can one-up the answerer and brag about themselves
  • “Ask-complaining” - when someone asks a question for the sole purpose of venting their story of a negative experience onto who they asked
  • “Ask-sharing” - when someone asks a question followed by sharing something neutral that probably only the asker finds interesting, i.e. weird dream

The study also found that most participants admitted they had both experienced boomerasking and had been guilty of it themselves, so it’s likely that we’ve all done our fair share of asking only to share a bit about ourselves.

@6girldadreviews Boomerasking? #boomerang #conversationalambush #dadjokes #conversation ♬ original sound - 6 Girl Dad Reviews


And granted, this impulse isn’t completely self-serving. Researchers noted that really, it’s simply the result of two conflicting natural human desires: one, to be responsive to others, and the other, to share individual experiences. They also shared that some participants thought prefacing a long conversation about themselves with a question posed to another person was the considerate way of making conversation feel more balanced, since it’s not entirely about them.

boomerasking, conversation tips, social skills, how to talk to people, psychological studymedia1.giphy.com

In all these cases, boomerasking backfires, and instead only makes the question asked seem insincere, according to the study. To combat this urge, researchers suggest two main things:

1. Ask questions that you are unable to answer yourself, which prevents the possibility of boomerasking, because you have nothing to contribute.

2 Use responsive listening techniques, with verbal cues like affirmation, validation, and repeating and/or reformulating what a partner has said. You can still ask questions, just make sure not to shift the focus away from the other person.

Healthy conversations, which are vital to us all, require a bit of give-and-take. Plus, appearing polite doesn’t have nearly as much weight as showing genuine interest in someone else. So the next time you find yourself wanting to share something, maybe just be clear about that. And if you do ask someone about their day, listen.

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Family

Therapist shares her 'one rule' for new stepparents that puts their role in proper perspective

Knowing your role in a child's life can be confusing.

via Cava/Photos

A stepmother and her stepdaughter.

New stepparents face many challenges when navigating a complex dynamic when they become part of a family. The stepchildren may feel loyal to the biological parent, making bonding or getting along tricky. They also have to forge a positive relationship with their new spouse's ex-partner, who may be bitter about the breakup or protective of their children.

Stepparents may also feel like they don’t belong and have a hard time finding their role in the household. Abby, a Licensed Professional Counselor, recently shared on TikTok the “one rule” that stepparents should follow when forging a relationship with their stepkids, and it should bring them some comfort in a stressful situation.

How can new step-parents create a good relationship with their step-children?

“Let’s not overcomplicate it. Let’s not panic. There are a lot things about being a stepparent that are challenging,” Abby says in her video. “And you probably didn’t expect it, and you’re figuring it out, but there is one rule. That rule is: the kid decides your relationship and the pace of your relationship. That is the only way to have a healthy relationship. You cannot force it. You cannot make them treat you as a mom if they don’t feel that you’re a mom.”

@abbytherapist

Step parent relationships can be complex, give it time, don’t push it. #blendedfamily #coparenting #stepparents #stepmom #bonusmom #momlife #motherhood

Abby’s advice makes sense because every child is going to have different needs and expectations from a stepparent, and a lot of that has to do with their relationship with their biological parents. Some children may rush to embrace a new parental figure, while others may take time to adjust to the new stepparents because they don't want to betray their biological parents.

Further, it’s impossible to make anyone love you, let alone like you, whether it’s a romantic relationship or you are joining a new family. Just because you married a child’s parent doesn’t mean they’ll automatically take a shine to you, and forcing yourself into their lives might make it harder for them to feel comfortable around you.

stepchildren, stepmoms, step-dads, stepparenting, therapist advice, A step mom bonding with her stepson.via Cava/Photos

How to build a strong relationship with my step-children.

Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph. D., also believes that new stepparents should refrain from rushing into relationships with their new stepchildren, especially if they are teenagers. "As an introducer of family change, starting a new practice, stopping one that is old, and increasing or decreasing the frequency of some family behavior, I believe it’s generally best to go slow,” Pickhardt writes at Psychology Today. “First, fit into the ongoing family before trying to fit it to the stepparent. Allow adequate time for everyone to just get used to living with each other.”


stepparent, stepchildren, family, modern family, relationshipsA step-mom fights with her teenage stepson. via Cava/Photos

Pickhardt adds that new stepparents should avoid creating early resentment by being too demanding. They should also put their young marriage ahead of parenting duties and refrain from trying too hard to impress the children. Finally, they should be open with their new spouse about any discomfort they may feel adopting the new role.

Abby’s belief in allowing the children to decide their relationships, especially in the beginning, may be frustrating to some new stepparents who want to jump right in and create a happy family. But her advice should also be a bit of a relief. You don’t have to do it all yourself, so it’s time to listen to the child and be there for them however they choose. That, in turn, should create a deeper relationship in the long run.

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Health

Understanding the 90-10 rule of conflict could be the key to marital bliss

They should tell you this when you get your marriage license.

Couples, whether married or just longterm partners, really aren't all that original. We all fight over the same things. Chores, money, and sex are pretty much the big three. But Dr. John Gottman, probably the most prominent and influential psychologist in the world of marriage and relationships, says the number one thing couples fight about is actually nothing. That's right, nothing at all!

But how can a couple fight about nothing? The answer: It's super easy. Haven't you ever found yourself locked in a bitter disagreement and suddenly stopped to think, "How the heck did we get here?" Gottman, basically one of the founding fathers of modern couples counseling, writes that something as simple as a disagreement about where to dinner can quickly lead to a conversation full of resentment, insults, miscommunications, and hurt feelings.

Mark Travers, a psychologist and author, recently took this idea a step further and argued that only 10% of arguments in relationships are actually about "the thing." The other 90% are about a deeper, underlying issue. He calls it the 90-10 rule of conflict.


Couples arguments are like icebergs. 90% is below the surface.Canva Photos

He writes in an article for Forbes that "only 10% of fights stem from the immediate problem, while 90% are driven by deeper emotions—unmet needs, past wounds and unspoken fears."

Gottman agrees, commonly saying that "Usually, underneath that fight, is an unfulfilled dream."

It's easy to see how this plays out using common examples.

A couple might fight over a sink of unwashed dishes. Usually, the dishes themselves aren't that big of a deal, but the fight balloons out of control because there are underlying resentments about the division of labor in the household.


dishes, marriage, relationships, conflict, arguments, disagreements, psychologyA pile of dirty dishes is a fight waiting to happen!Canva Photos

Take the initial example of disagreeing about where to go for dinner. It should be such a simple problem for two adults to solve together! But if you're constantly fighting about it, it could be a sign of a repetitive issue: Maybe one partner never compromises, maybe one is overly thrifty or one is too casual about spending money.

When the underlying issue goes unresolved, the fights come up again and again and again, and can be triggered by the smallest possible catalysts.

Once you understand the 90-10 rule, you can start to see a path to better conflict management, and a much happier romantic life.

Travers urges couples in the midst of a disagreement to, instead of reacting to what was said, to try to uncover the true meaning behind those words. Remember, human beings aren't great at being directly and completely honest. We rarely voice our deepest desires and wants and needs, but they come out in other ways.


couples, fights, conflict, relationships, marriage, couples therapyGosling had the right idea.Giphy

The goal should be to reframe minuscule disagreements around the deeper emotion or pattern they represent. Instead of "You didn't do the dishes!" it's "I feel overwhelmed and like we're not a team when I do everything around the house." He also writes that you should try to be genuinely curious about your partner's perspective on the disagreement, and to not react defensively to how they might view it differently.

Being monogamously committed to someone is hard, right? One day you're just doing your thing, and the next you have to use all these new psychological tools and empathy techniques because someone forgot to wash a plate. But not only will the extra effort lead to a better relationship, it could even improve your health. Multiple studies have shown that good conflict resolution skills in a relationship are tied to better longterm health outcomes, including lower stress, which can impact longevity. Arguments happen in any relationship, but the couples who don't let fights about small things escalate into blowouts — and the ones who can still use humor and affection even when disagreeing — are so much better off than the rest.

Gottman's teachings say "Typical conflicts are merely a reminder that a relationship is two different people working together to understand differences and love each other despite flaws," and that arguments, even fights, are an opportunity to deepen communication and ultimately your love for each other. Not a bad way to look at things, right?

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