psychology

You know that moment when a three-year-old runs full-speed into their grandpa’s arms like they haven’t seen him in years, even though it’s only been three days? Or when a sulky teenager who won’t even grunt “hello” to their parents suddenly lights up and starts chatting animatedly with grandma about the latest drama at school?

There’s something happening in these tight-knit moments that goes way deeper than many realize, and scientists have finally figured out what it is.

  Researchers have discovered the secret to long-lasting relationships between grandparents and grandchildren.Photo credit: Canva

The secret that’s been hiding in plain sight

Researchers have spent years trying to understand why some grandparent-grandchild relationships are absolute magic whiles others just…aren’t. In a collection of generational research, scientists and psychologists have studied hundreds of families, tracked brain scans, measured stress hormones, and tracked childhood relationships for decades.

What they discovered was nothing short of amazing—and it might make you want to call your grandparents right now.

Grandparents who create those unbreakable bonds aren’t doing anything extraordinary; actually, it’s the exact opposite. They’re not the ones with the biggest toy budgets or most elaborate vacation plans. Instead, they’re practicing eight surprisingly simple habits that literally rewire children’s brains for trust, empathy, and emotional resilience.

And here’s the kicker: most of them don’t even realize they’re doing it.

The 8 habits that change everything

(1) They show up for the boring stuff:

Yes, birthday parties and graduation ceremonies are important, but grandparents who build the strongest bonds with their grandchildren understand something profound: random Tuesday afternoons matter just as a much as special occasions.

Child psychologists call this “predictable availability,” and it amounts to something like relationship gold. When kids know that grandma will be there, not just for the big moments, but also for homework help, scraped knees, and all the mundane moments that make up life, something powerful happens in their brain.

They develop what attachment theorists refer to as “earned secure attachment”—an unshakable trust in the other that becomes the bedrock for many other relationships they’ll experience in their lifetime.

(2) They listen like their life depends on it

In our phone-buzzing, multitasking world, grandparents who offer their grandchildren their complete, undivided attention generate something rare and increasingly precious. We’re talking about the kind of listening where phones remain face-down and eye contact doesn’t waver.

Without distractions, grandparents are able to really connect with the grandchildren in a way they might not experience in other aspects of their lives—and even for youngsters, that goes a long way.

  Grandparents who consistently show up for their grandchildren tend to have more satisfying relationships. Photo credit: Canva

(3) They tell stories that make themselves human

The most powerful grandparent storytellers aren’t the ones with the most exciting tales, like meeting Mick Jagger backstage at a concert (although, that would be kind of cool): they’re the ones who are willing to be vulnerable. When grandpa admits that he failed his driving test twice, or grandma shares how terrified she was on her first day of high school, grandchildren learn important life lessons, like that imperfection is normal and resilience is possible.

In a paper published by Cambridge Development and Psychology, this phenomenon is labeled “narrative coherence.” These stories help children see themselves as a larger part of the family narrative, creating a sense of identity and belonging that research shows reduces anxiety and increases self-esteem.

(4) They cultivate judgment-free zones

Perhaps the most crucial habit involves cultivating what psychologists call “emotional safety nets.” These grandparents become skilled at offering comfort without conditions; acceptance sans lectures.

Children need at least one adult in their lives who accept them unconditionally. While parents must balance love with guidance and discipline, grandparents are uniquely positioned to fill this crucial role.

“For kids, an extremely important resilience factor is a warm, nurturing relationship with a parent, caregiver, or other adult,” said Dr. Sara VanBronkhorst, a voluntary faculty in psychiatry at Columbia who led a 2023 study published in JAMA Psychiatry. “Our study demonstrates that children who have at least one positive, committed adult-child relationship are less likely to experience depression, anxiety and perceived stress later in life.”

(5) They let the kids be the teachers

Here’s where it gets fascinating: the strongest grandparent-grandchild bonds often include moments where the child becomes the teacher. When grandparents humble themselves to learn about their interests—Pokémon cards, hour-long YouTube videos about ant colonies, hilarious TikTok filters, etc.—something wonderful occurs.

For children, teaching an adult something, no matter how mundane, validates their knowledge and boosts self-confidence. Research confirms that kids who regularly teach adults develop stronger communication skills and higher self-esteem.

(6) They keep their promises

This might seem obvious, but think back to childhood: how many times did you hear statements like, “I promise I won’t get mad,” and the exact opposite happened? Children’s brains are finely tuned to reliability patterns, meaning, when grandparents consistently follow through on commitments—even tiny ones—they build “earned security.”

This doesn’t need to be nitpicky. For example, when grandpa calls ahead to explain to his grandchild that Crumbl was closed, so he can’t bring the “promised” cookies, but suggests making them together instead, he doesn’t just fulfill a promise. He strengthens the bond by showing that his commitment matters, despite how “small” it may seem.

(7) They carve out one-on-one time

Family gatherings are crucial, but the deepest bonds form during individual interactions. Research shows that children have multiple aspects to them—different parts of themselves that emerge in various contexts. For example, a quiet child might become suddenly chatty during a solo walk with grandma.

These individual connections don’t require elaborate activities or effort. Sometimes, the most meaningful moments happen between a grandchild and grandparent during simple car rides to the grocery store or while folding laundry together.

(8) They adapt as the kids grow

The grandparents who maintain strong bonds through everything—the terrible twos, that phase when all the child can ask is “Why?”, and the teenage years—understand that all relationships must evolve. This might feel strange at first, like accepting the once-cuddly grandchild who now prefers fist bumps to hugs, or the moody teen who prefers to quietly scroll on their phones during visits.

Grandparents who take this all in stride, who can adapt without taking these changes personally, often find their relationships with their grandchildren to deepen during adolescence.

  The most powerful connections don't spring from grand gestures or expensive gifts.Photo credit: Canva

It’s the simple truth that changes everything

So, the next time you're with your grandchildren—or you're thinking about the grandparents you’re lucky to have in life—remember this: the most powerful connections don’t spring from grand gestures or expensive gifts.

Relationships that matter—relationships that thrive—grow through an accumulation of small moments when someone important chooses to show up, listen with their whole heart, and love without conditions. In a world that increasingly feels divided and disconnected, these grandparent-grandchild relationships offer something quite precious: proof that genuine human connection is still possible, one random Tuesday afternoon at a time.