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Experienced psychologist says this overlooked trait is 'essential' when making small talk

It'll make people think you're captivating.

via Canva/Photos

Some folks chit-chatting at a party.

Making small talk with someone you don’t know very well can cause a lot of anxiety. What if you get stuck in a boring conversation about the weather? What if the conversation loses momentum and you both stand there silently? What if the person thinks that you’re boring?

Psychologist Jennice Vilhauer, Ph. D., has some great advice to make you feel better equipped to talk with a stranger at a party or on a first date. The big takeaway is that people will find you interesting, not necessarily because of what you say but how you make them feel. Vilhauer says that curiosity is one of the most vital conversation skills most people don’t consider.

Vilahuer is the developer of Future Directed Therapy (FDT) and author of the best-selling “Think Forward to Thrive: How to Use the Mind's Power of Anticipation to Transcend Your Past and Transform Your Life.”



What’s the best way to make small talk?

“One of the most underrated skills that can transform your dating life is curiosity,” Vilhauer writes in Psychology Today. “Not only does curiosity provide you with important information and make you a better conversationalist, but it also signals interest, openness and emotional intelligence—qualities that create deeper relationships.”

The funny thing is that, according to Vilhauer, most people aren’t taking advantage of this conversation superpower.

“It is surprising how many people report going on dates where the other person only talks about themself,” Vilhauer continues. “The talker might be having a great time because they enjoy being listened to. The other person, however, feels like the talker is disinterested, and he/she is probably quickly losing interest, too. Dating someone who doesn’t ask questions can feel like talking to a wall. Everyone, no matter who they are, has a story and wants to be understood.”



The key to being curious in a conversation is to ask plenty of open-ended questions that encourage the person to give a detailed response. If you’re talking to someone and they say, “I was born in Omaha, Nebraska.” Don’t counter with, “Great, I was born in Milwaukee.” The best thing to say is, “That’s cool. What did you like about Omaha?” or “Do you miss living in the Midwest?”

Here are some examples of open-ended questions that make you appear courteous.

“How did that make you feel?”

“What are they like?” (When they bring up a person from their life.)

“What’s your favorite memory of (thing from the past they discussed)?”

“What did you do next?”

If you show that you are genuinely curious, the person you’re talking to will take a shine to you because people enjoy sharing about themselves. They’ll also appreciate that you took the time to get to know them. Even if they spoke most of the conversation, they’d go home thinking, “Wow. They were really interesting.”

How much should I talk in a conversation?

This advice comes with a caveat. You shouldn’t be listening 100% of the time. Studies show that the best ratio for talking to listening is 43 to 57, so you let the other person do most of the speaking, but be sure to share about yourself as well.

Being curious in conversations isn't just about making the other person feel good. It also gives the conversation a greater chance to move from surface-level details, such as basic biographical information or what they do for a living, into the world of specific experiences, ideas and perspectives.

Curiosity can take your small talk and elevate to medium talk and even deep conversation.


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Health

Socially anxious? Here are 17 best ways to answer the question: 'How are you?'

There's more you can say than "fine."

via Cottonbro Studios/Pexels

Some people having polite conversation at a party.

Does the following scenario make you feel anxious? You are in line at Target, and someone behind you recognizes you from an old job you had and asks, "How are you?” and you reply, “Fine.” Then, both of you stare at each other for 10 seconds, waiting for someone to say something next.

Sherry Amatenstein, LCSW, suggests that before we answer the question, we should attempt to ascertain if the person we’re talking to really wants to know. Are they being pleasant or just trying to make small talk? If you think they want to see how you’re doing, feel free to disclose what’s happening in your life.

But if it’s just a stop-and-chat or you don’t know the person you’re talking to, then it’s fine to respond with a clever response that may elicit a chuckle or spread some goodwill without telling them your life story. You can easily replay with a "Fine, how are you?" and put the conversational ball back in their court.

However, if you are looking for a more clever response, a Redditor who goes by Myloceratops crowd-sourced the best answers to the big question and received over 900 responses. Most of them were witty comebacks to the question that we can all tuck into our pack pockets to use when we want to see more interesting than someone who just gives a pat “fine” response.

Here are 17 of the best responses to someone asking, “How are you?” for you to use the next time you're making small talk.

1.

"I have two stock answers: Not too bad. Distinctly average." — Floydie1962.

2.

"Saw a shirt I loved: 'The horrors persist, as do I.'" — Evilbunnyfoofoo

3.

"I kinda like the Norwegian, 'Up and not crying."' — 5tr4nGe

4.

"Dying a little more every day." — Much-Signifigance212

5.

"Do you really want to know?" — Hatjepoet

6.

"In my country, people sometimes say 'Kann nie genug klagen.' It’s roughly translated to 'I can’t complain enough.'" — OldProblemsNeverDie

7.

"'I'm on the right side of the dirt' is one of my go-to responses." — JiveTurkeyJunction

8.

"Feeling good and looking better I’ll make a burlap sack feel like the cashmere sweater." — Late_Review_8761

9.

"It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear." — 27_crooked_craibu

10.

"If I was any better, there would be two of me." — not_that_rick

11.

"At work, it's 'Better by the hour.'"— Otherwise-Tune5413

12.

"'Oh you know, living the dream' is the only one I’ve got ready to go lately." — KittyBooBoo2016

13.

"Busier than a one-legged cat trying to bury a sh** in a frozen pond." — SpoonNZ

14.

"''I think I’m going to make it' usually gets a chuckle." — Bebandy

15.

"“Im good, and you?' I’m Gen X. I don’t burden other people with my problems." — Mrbootz

16.

"My next complaint will be my first complaint." — NoGood

17.

"'I feel like a silly goose today!'Guarantee they’ll never try to make small talk with you ever again." — Front-Craft-804

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Joy

Studies find we're better off ditching the small talk when we meet strangers

Photo by LinkedIn Sales Solutions on Unsplash

People tend to overestimate how awkward meaningful conversations will be.

For many people, meeting someone new is an uncomfortable proposition. Even if we want to make new friends, getting to know people from scratch can be hard. It feels like there are all kinds of unwritten social "rules" that make meeting people awkward. Are there certain things you shouldn't share or ask about when you first meet someone? When do you move from small talk to something more meaningful? Will people think you're weird if you tell them how you're really feeling instead of the standard "fine"?

The die-hard social butterflies among us may wonder what all the fuss is about, but many of us share the sentiment my fellow writer Jacalyn Wetzel described so eloquently: "Meeting people makes my armpits spicy."

If meeting people makes your armpits spicy, here's some behavioral science research that might help.

In a series of a dozen experiments, researchers from the University of Texas at Austin, Northwestern University and the University of Chicago analyzed people's feelings about chatting with strangers, and what they found was eye-opening.

Most of us, apparently, underestimate how much we're going to enjoy talking to strangers. How about that? And we especially underestimate how much we're going to enjoy having more meaningful, substantive conversations with people we've just met. We tend to be overly pessimistic about how those conversations are going to go.

"Because of these mistaken beliefs," the authors, Amit Kumar, Michael Kardas and Nicholas Epley, wrote on The Conversation, "it seems as though people reach out and connect with others less often and in less meaningful ways than they probably should."

The experiments the researchers conducted were designed to test the hypothesis that conversations with strangers can be surprisingly satisfying. The researchers asked people to write down topics they'd normally talk with new people about, such as the weather, and then to write down questions that were of a deeper, more intimate nature. They also asked people to anticipate how they were going to feel after discussing decidedly non-small-talky topics such as “What are you most grateful for in your life?” and “When is the last time you cried in front of another person?” versus typical small talk.

Participants were particularly off base about how uncomfortable the more meaningful conversations were going to be and underestimated how much they were going to like having those conversations with strangers.

"These mistaken beliefs matter because they can create a barrier to human connection," the authors wrote. "If you mistakenly think a substantive conversation will feel uncomfortable, you’re going to probably avoid it. And then you might never realize that your expectations are off the mark."

The researchers said their findings were "strikingly consistent," even across different demographic groups, both in person and over Zoom. "Whether you’re an extrovert or an introvert, a man or a woman, you’re likely to underestimate how good you’ll feel after having a deep conversation with a stranger," they wrote.

Participants told the researchers they wish they could have deeper conversations more often in their everyday lives, but the experiments also showed that people underestimate how much strangers are actually interested in them. As it turns out, we're quite curious about one another and actually do care about one another's feelings and thoughts. Again, what we think a conversation is going to be like isn't what they generally are in reality.

So here we are, wanting to have more meaningful conversations, yet overestimating how uncomfortable and underestimating how interesting and enjoyable they're going to be. Our fears are holding us back from connecting with one another, which is kind of a bummer.

Perhaps we can use this research to try some experimenting of our own, reaching out to people around us to talk about more than the weather. Ditch the small talk, ask people substantive questions about their lives, keep it real and see what happens. We may find ourselves becoming more social as we get to know people on another level—and maybe, hopefully, experience a little less spiciness in our armpits. ​


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