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Stanford expert shares the number one phrase that people good at small talk always use

This will make your next party a lot easier.

via Stable Flow/Unsplash

Some friends enjoying a polite conversation at a party.

Many people don’t like small talk because it forces them to have conversations about trivial topics such as the weather, what they saw on TV the night before, or their weekend plans. Other people don’t like it because it causes them anxiety to talk with someone they may not know well.

Either way, research shows that small talk actually is a big deal. Julia Korn at Forbes says that small talk enables us to find common ground and shared interests, build muscles to overcome social discomfort, and lays the groundwork for transitioning into more serious, deeper topics.

It also makes us feel good. Studies show that a quick exchange with a barista while getting coffee can result in feelings of belonging and increased happiness.

So, how can we get more out of small talk and make it more comfortable?

Stanford lecturer, podcast host, and communication expert Matt Abrahams told CNBC that one small phrase does both: “Tell me more.”

He learned the phrase's value by listening to his mother, who had “impressive interpersonal skills.” “Her favorite phrase was ‘Tell me more,’ and it happens to be one that people who are good at small talk always use,” Abrahams wrote.

The Stanford expert says that the simple phrase works because it is a “support response” that encourages what the speaker is saying instead of being a “shift response” that brings the conversation back to you.

Suppose you’re talking to someone at a party who’s complaining about a lousy dinner they had at a local steakhouse. “The steak was overcooked, and the service was terrible,” they tell you. A proper support response could be, “Tell me more about the service” or “What else didn’t you like about the dinner?"

“Comments like these give your partner permission to expand on what they said or provide deeper insight,” Abrahams wrote.

On the other hand, a shift response that brings the conversation back to you would be something like, “I once had a bad dinner at a steakhouse…” and then you told that story. People who overuse the shift response are often seen as self-centered or the type of folks who have to make everything about themselves.

That’s a rather annoying personality trait that doesn’t make people a lot of friends or an enjoyable person to work with in the office.

Support responses such as “Tell me more” or “What happened next” are a great way to guarantee that you follow another proven conversation strategy, the 43:57 rule. A marketing whiz over at Gong.io took a deep dive into 25,537 sales calls with the help of AI and discovered a cool tidbit: sales went through the roof when the salesperson chatted 43% of the time and lent an ear for 57%. They've dubbed it the "43:57 rule."

Now, while this gem of wisdom came from business calls, think about our daily chats with friends. It's all about tuning in and showing you care about what the other person has to say. Everyone loves to feel heard and valued.

In the end, the trick to being a great conversationalist isn’t all about being witty, charming, or informed, but simply knowing how to listen.


This article originally appeared last year.

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What's the most clever and confident response to an insult? 6 experts share the best comebacks.

Study these so you'll be ready next time someone tries to insult you.

via SHVETS production/Pexels

A woman can't believe how she was insulted.

An insult can come out of nowhere and at any time. So, it’s best to prepare yourself with a skillful response that doesn’t start a fight but puts the offending person in their place. A great response to an insult makes the other person look worse and shows that you are confident and don’t care what your detractors think.

However, being hit with an insult out of nowhere can be jarring, making a skillful comeback difficult. That’s why we’ve compiled this list of 6 comebacks recommended by 5 therapists and a lawyer to put the hater in their place and make you look even better than before.

How do you respond to an insult?

1. “Are you okay?”

Bernadette Purcell, a popular LCSW on TikTok and author of "Divorced As F,” says that responding with “Are you okay?” puts “them on the defensive and gives you the upper hand.” Depending on how the response is delivered, it can be a genuine question to see if the insulter, who just said something inappropriate, is going through a personal problem. It’s also rooted in the assumption that the person is insecure and is trying to elevate themselves by putting others down. With this response, you seem confident and empathetic.



2. “Hey, flag on the play”

Ajita Robinson, a therapist in Bethesda, Md., told Time she often responds to insults with, “Hey, flag on the play,” a reference to when a referee calls a penalty in football. For example, one of Robinson’s clients went on a date with a man who said some things that were a bit sexually suggestive. So she responded to him with a “Hey, flag on the play.”

“I thought that was pretty cool because she used it as a way to express that this was something she was uncomfortable with,” Robinson says. “It’s lighthearted, but sends a signal that the comment or interaction crossed a boundary.”



How to respond to a backhanded compliment?

3. “I'm sure you mean that in the nicest way possible!”

Jessica Alderson, Co-Founder and Relationship Expert at So Syncd, says one of the best ways to respond to a backhanded compliment is by being humorous. “Employing humor can diffuse the tension of a backhanded compliment while also indirectly addressing the underlying criticism. You could respond with a lighthearted comment such as, ‘I'm sure you mean that in the nicest way possible!’ or ‘I'm glad I exceeded your low expectations’," Alderson told Verywell Mind.

A backhanded compliment is when someone says something that sounds like praise but has a hidden critique or negative twist. It might seem flattering initially, but there's usually an underlying message that the person you’re talking to isn’t being kind. For example, "You look great for someone your age!" is calling you attractive but old at the same time.



4. Do nothing

Riyan Portuguez, MP, RPm, RPsy, has the simplest response, but you must learn to keep a straight face. “So you take the insult, make no reaction to it,” he said on TikTok. “You smile and you look at them in the eye and say nothing. You are composed; it has no effect on you, and make sure you hold that smile and look them in the face and keep him waiting." Grayson Allen, a University of Cambridge graduate who shares TikTok psychology tips, agrees with Portuguez. “If you show that you're completely not phased or didn't even hear it, that's going to be awkward, they're going to look bad, and you're going to be in control,” he said on TikTok.



5. "What was your intention with that comment?"

Jessica Good, a therapist in St. Louis, told Time that this response is both “effective and therapeutic” because “it makes them say the quiet part out loud.” This puts the insulter in a very uncomfortable position of admitting that they intentionally insulted you or forces them to backtrack and lie their way out of the situation, making them look bad.



6. Agree with them

Jefferson Fisher isn't a therapist but a lawyer in Texas who calls himself an "argument expert." He says that when someone insults you, it's to get a dopamine hit. The key is to keep them from enjoying the chemical reaction. If he knows the person who insulted him, he'll agree with the remark. "By agreeing to it, I'll totally take away that satisfaction of the dopamine," Fisher said on TikTok. "So if someone puts me down, I'll say, 'You know, but maybe you're right. And, just checking in, are you feeling okay?' At all times, I'm letting them know I'm the one that's still here and in control."

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Jeff Bezos explains why he always speaks last in meetings. It's great advice for everyone.

It's all about listening.

via Seattle City Council/Wikimedia Commons

Jeff Bezos at Amazon Spheres Grand Opening in Seattle.

Amazon and Blue Origin CEO Jeff Bezos recently sat with podcaster Lex Fridman for a rare, long-form interview. Over 2-plus hours, he discussed his thinking process, space exploration, Day 1 mentality, Amazon principles, morning routines and more.

During the conversation, Bezos shared some insights into his work philosophy and one big takeaway was his belief in always speaking last in meetings. The advice is helpful for anyone, whether they want to be a better leader or more persuasive in social situations.

The strategy makes a lot of sense for Bezos. As one of the most influential and successful business leaders in American history, it has to be hard to get an honest opinion from your team when you have such an incredible record of success.

When Bezos speaks first in a meeting, it can significantly affect the feedback he gets from his team.

“In every meeting I attend, I always speak last,” Bezos told Fridman. “I know, from experience, if I speak first, even very strong-willed, highly intelligent, high-judgment participants in that meeting will wonder, ‘If Jeff thinks that? I came into this meeting thinking one thing, but maybe I'm not right.’”

“If you're the most senior person in the room, go last,” Bezos continued. “Let everyone else go first. Ideally, have the most junior person go first—try to go in order of seniority—so that you can hear everyone's opinion in an unfiltered way. Someone you really respect says something? It makes you change your mind a little.”

Executive leadership coach Hortense Le Gentil, author of The Unlocked Leader, agrees with Bezo’s approach to leadership and believes that it allows people to become better listeners, which can help them in all facets of their lives.

“Leaders who keep practicing becoming better listeners develop deeper and stronger connections with their teams, which in turn contributes to boosting their engagement and performance,” Le Gentil writes for Fast Company.

Personal Grown Blogger Brian Walsh says that when we speak last, we give greater accountability to the people we communicate with, whether it’s family, a sports team, a community organization, or coworkers.

“Let’s say you have an idea that you think is best and that you want to be implemented,” Walsh writes at An Insight Into Life. “By speaking first, it may result in people feeling like they are being told what to do, removing them from the creation process. However, you wait until everyone else has spoken and find that someone else also has the same idea. Now by allowing them to suggest it and by agreeing with them, they feel like it is their own.”

“This can also be applied to our personal lives,” Walsh continues. “If you are arguing with someone, they often don’t hear what you are suggesting because their emotions have taken over, and you trying to correct them just adds fuel to the fire. Allow them to talk and keep your suggestions to yourself.”

Although Bezos framed his advice around choosing when to speak, the more important lesson may be deciding when to listen. Being a great listener is valuable because it’s a hard skill to develop. It’s not just about hearing what someone’s saying but understanding, empathizing and withholding judgment at the same time.

Being a good listener is the key to connecting with others, but it’s also a vital tool in personal growth. You can’t learn if you can’t listen.

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Career coach shares the phrase that will stop passive-aggressive coworkers in their tracks

It's all about being direct.

via Jennifer Brick/TikTok and Yan Krukau/Pexels

The phrase that will shut down your passive-agressive coworker.

Dealing with passive-aggressive people, whether at work or in family life, can be very frustrating. It's like trying to solve a puzzle without all the pieces. Their indirect communication and subtle digs force you to guess what they mean, turning simple conversations into a minefield.

It's draining because you're always on edge, trying to decode hidden messages or intentions, which can create a tense atmosphere. It's tough to have to go through all the extra work when you're just trying to get along and keep things smooth.

It also means that passive-aggressive people can take shots at you that you can’t defend because they hide behind the plausible deniability that they were just being helpful.

Jennifer Brick, a career counselor who goes by the moniker “Your Career Bestie'' has some excellent advice for those forced to deal with passive-aggressive people. She has a simple phrase that, when delivered correctly, can stop them from getting beneath your skin.

@jenniferbrick

Replying to @brett.lancaster you shutdown your passive aggressive coworker, here's why they aren't going to admit they're trying to be hurtful. #career #fyp


“I started using this with passive-aggressive people last year, and there has not been even one case where I have used it where the person hasn’t backed off with their toxic little tail between their legs,” she said in a video with over 1.4 million views.

Brick advises that when dealing with someone who’s passive-aggressive, to in “your most neutral tone” and ask one simple yet direct question: “Are you trying to be helpful or hurtful?"

Brick’s approach is a confident, but non-confrontational way of exposing the passive-aggressive person for their toxic tactics while allowing them to save face. That can be important when you have to deal with them on a regular basis.

In a follow-up video, she notes that it is “by design” that the person will say they’re being helpful.

@jenniferbrick

Replying to @beachy625 ofc they're going to lie, we expect them to. here's why...

“The statement I shared in that video is a light confrontation, and they are going to avoid it at all costs,” she continued. “They are going to backpedal, they are not going to say that their intention is to be hurtful. They want to conceal their toxic selves,” Brick concluded.

Bricks’ advice is helpful because people use passive-aggressive communication to hide behind their nefarious ways so they can be hard to expose. This is a way for you to acknowledge their unfair communication tactics without ratcheting the situation up into a full-blown confrontation.

Dr. Cortney Warren agrees with Brick's tactic. The Harvard-trained psychologist says the key is to remain neutral with the person and ask them about their intentions, just like Brick. "You could say something like: 'I know you’re telling me you’re not upset, but it doesn’t feel that way to me.' Or, 'I get the impression that you’re upset. Do you want to talk about it?'” she tells CNBC.

This is another way to confidently address the aggressive hidden message without being confrontational.

"Remind them that you care and are willing to talk if and when they’re ready," Dr. Warren continues. "In the meantime, walk away and focus on what you do have control over: you."

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