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Communications expert shares the number one small talk mistake people make and how to fix it

It happens at the start of a lot of conversations.

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A group of friends having a chat.

Many people don’t like making small talk. They either believe it’s beneath them to talk about mundane subjects or don’t see the benefit of discussing the weather, sports, or television with people they hardly know. However, these folks are missing a very valuable form of interaction that can help them with their love lives, friendships, and careers. They also remove themselves from situations where they can elevate small talk to something more valuable and meaningful.

Jefferson Fisher, a Texas board-certified personal injury attorney and law firm owner of Fisher Firm, has become massively popular on Instagram, with nearly 6 million followers, for sharing communication tips “to help people argue less and talk more.” While promoting his new book, The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More, he shared the number one problem people have while making small talk.

What's the number one mistake people make during small talk?

"They unknowingly turn the conversation back to themselves too quickly," Fisher tells Parade. "It’s a natural impulse—we want to relate, to show we understand. But what often happens is that we hijack the conversation."

 conversation, heart-to-heart, talking, girls talking, school conversation,  Two girls having a heart-to-heart.via Canva/Photos

"For example, someone says, 'I just got back from a trip to Italy,' and instead of asking about their experience, we jump in with, 'Oh, I’ve been to Italy several times, it’s great.' It’s well-meaning, but it can come across as dismissive,” Fisher said. You may not be intending to make the other person feel unimportant, but they just got back from the trip of a lifetime, and you stole their thunder by making it about yourself. It can be tough to hold back in a situation like that, because you’re excited to talk all about your wonderful experience. But if you have a little self-control and ask them a few more questions about their trip, you’ll make a much stronger first impression.

“Instead, focus on them. Ask open-ended questions like, 'That’s wonderful, what was your favorite part?'” the lawyer continued. “Small talk isn’t about impressing people, it’s about making them feel seen and heard."


Fisher’s advice echoes that of the great Dale Carnegie, author of the 1936 classic How to Win Friends and Influence People. In the book, Carnegie says, “To be interesting, be interested.” Carnegie’s advice is counterintuitive because we are taught to believe that being likable means dominating conversations and entertaining the other person. However, Carnegie thinks that people who are generous listeners and willing to serve the other person tend to make a better first impression.

How to be more likable.

Researchers at Harvard found out that when you ask someone a question, people will like you more if, after they answer, you ask them two more follow-up questions. So, if you ask, “Where did you go last summer?” And they reply, Italy, you can follow that up with two questions about their favorite city and the restaurant they’ll never forget. Then, you can tell them that you’ve been there, too.

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“We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study's authors write. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”

People will take a shine to you after you ask a few questions because it shows that you are listening and interested in what they say. “Follow-up questions are an easy and effective way to keep the conversation going and show that the asker has paid attention to what their partner has said,” the researchers write.

While at first, it may take a little practice to ask follow-up questions instead of turning the conversation to your experiences and opinions, it should take some pressure off the need to be interesting. Now, instead of trying to wow people with your stories, all you have to do is listen to theirs, and they’ll like you all the more for it.

This article originally appeared in May.

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Want to sound smart, but you’re out of your league in a conversation? Use the easy YAS method.

"Trying to sound clever is a good way of sounding stupid."

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A woman making a point in a corporate meeting.

There are times when we find ourselves in conversations with people about topics that we know nothing about. Whether it’s the time you have to speak to the engineers at work who are communicating at a level above your head, or when you are talking to the mechanic about a problem in your car and you don’t know your carburetor from your dipstick.

It's understandable, of course. No one can be well-versed in every topic. However, you don’t want to sound like a sixth grader reporting on a book they never read when you’re stuck in these situations either. That’s why we’ve compiled a list of three tricks you can use to sound smart, even in conversations above your head. It’s called the YAS method to make it easier to remember:

Be Yourself

Ask Questions

Say nothing

How to sound smart in conversations that are above your head

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1. Be yourself

At first, this may seem paradoxical, especially when being “yourself” means being someone struggling to make it through a conversation. But it’s important to avoid using a bunch of big words to overcompensate for your lack of knowledge on a topic. That makes you sound like the Wizard of Oz, a man trying to use big words to appear more than he is.

A study on graduate school essays revealed that people judge someone’s intelligence not by their vocabulary but by their ability to convey a point. “Complexity neither disguised the shortcomings of poor essays nor enhanced the appeal of high-quality essays,” the study said. 

It’s also good to avoid using jargon to sound more intelligent. “When time is money, extra words aren’t kind or pleasing — they’re distracting. Nothing shows respect like clarity,” John Bowe, a public speaking expert, told CNBC's Make It. “Don’t beat around the bush. People will appreciate you more when you say what you have to say.”

2. Ask a lot of questions

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If you are stuck in a conversation that’s over your head, you may feel that asking a lot of questions is a dead giveaway that you don’t know what you’re talking about. However, it’s a big signal to the other person that you’re intelligent and confident.

“Asking questions is a crucial component of critical thinking and learning. It shows that you are curious, engaged, and eager to learn more. By asking questions, you are actively seeking out new information and challenging assumptions,” Jackie Keys, business development strategist, writes on LinkedIn. “The smartest person in the room is also someone who is willing to admit when they don't know something. They are comfortable with their own limitations and are not afraid to seek out the expertise of others. This humility and willingness to learn from others is a hallmark of true intelligence.”

3. Say nothing

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As the great Taoist philosopher Lao Tzu once said, “Those who know don’t speak and those who speak, don’t know.” If you use the occasional “smart silence” where you pause in the middle of a sentence and people hang on every word, people don’t think that you’re dumb; they believe that you are a deep thinker who is carefully choosing your words, and they will hang on whatever you say.

Experts back up the fact that silent people are more intelligent. “Individuals with high intelligence often exhibit thoughtful and deliberate communication styles. They may speak less frequently but contribute more meaningful and well-considered ideas,” Dr. Abbie Maroño, PhD in Psychology & Human Behaviour Analysis, Lancaster University, said, according to Apple News. “Intelligent individuals may prefer to listen and gather information before speaking, leading to a quieter demeanor.”

Ultimately, appearing smart means knowing there’s no need to overcompensate by trying to wow people with big words or fancy jargon. It means speaking directly, using as few words as possible, asking questions, and keeping your mouth shut whenever possible. If you try these three things, you may not be the most knowledgeable person in the room, but you’re smart enough to know that you don’t know it all, and that’s its kind of genius.

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The 13 signs that someone is 'dangerously good' at reading people

"You feel comfortable talking to them, and you find yourself sharing things with them that you don’t typically share."

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A woman enjoying a conversation while drinking wine.

Some people are just naturally good at reading others. They pick up on subtle cues, body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions that go over other people’s heads. They are adept at seeing past other people's words and cuing into the energy or emotions behind them.

People who are great at reading others have a significant advantage in being creative, building relationships, and building teams. But where does it come from? Why does it seem like some people have an extra social muscle that others just don’t?

Some posit that people who are adept at reading others often come from backgrounds where they grew up with chaotic parents or family members. To preserve themselves, they become keen observers of subtle clues to protect themselves against abusive outbursts.

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This makes them excellent students of tone of voice, body language, and emotional states so that they can defend themselves.

abusive dad, angy dad, man drinking coffee, man in a robe, man pointingAn angry man in his kitchen.via Canva/Photos

To those who aren’t brilliant at reading others, these people’s skills seem mysterious at best. So, a Reddit user posed a question to the AskReddit forum to see what other people have noticed about people who are great at reading others. “What's a sign that someone is dangerously good at reading people?” they asked. They received over 1,300 replies, and we compiled the best.

Here are 13 signs that someone is “dangerously good” at reading people.

1. You immediately overshare

"You feel comfortable talking to them and you find yourself sharing things with them you don’t typically share."

2. They're hard to read

"They themselves are typically hard to read."

"Or better yet people think they are reading you and know you but all they know is what you want them to think they know."

3. They're neutral observers

"Observe the person. It helps if you’re naturally empathetic. You can tell when they’re being sincere or when there’s motivation. You can hear it in their voice when they’re nervous, jealous, or uncomfortable. You can see it in their face. You can feel when their energy pauses, dips, or spikes. The key is to be neutral yourself. If you’re not invested in the outcome of the interaction at all, you can read others better."

"My mom is the one who tipped me off to this. She said it was the key to learning about our lives when we were preteens and teens. She said she was careful not to ever react in big ways to anything we said, especially if it was negative, because if she did we would be more likely to stop providing info. If she acted neutral, we’d keep talking."


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4. They had unpredictable parents

"Some people who grew up with unpredictable parents become hyper-observant of micro-expressions. When coupled with empathy and a good memory, they can ask good questions at the right time, or pick up on unspoken emotions (or intentions/danger). This can be a blessing and a curse."

"This is exactly how I got good at reading people. If I found myself unable to predict what my father was going to do next, there's a good chance bad things happen to me. It's born out of necessity."

5. They know you before you open your mouth

"They clock your mood or thoughts before you’ve even said anything. They would ask really specific questions. Not nosy, just oddly on point. Also, watch how fast they adjust. You’re all fired up, and they’re calm and grounding."

6. They're accurate

"When they say something about you that you’ve never told anyone, but it’s scarily accurate... like ?? How do you know that, that’s when you know they’re built different."

7. They may sabotage themselves

"People who are highly intuitive, very observant and understands people dynamics usually at the expense of knowing themselves well at times."

"OH MY GOD. This. This this this. This is exactly my wife who is by far the best people person I've ever seen...and she's terrible at understanding herself or solving her own problems."


man and woman, man in suit, serious conversation, talking with hands, blonde manA man and woman in deep conversation. via Canva/Photos

8. They understand receptivity

"Children and animals like and trust them. They are constantly aware of the receptivity levels of others."

9. They ask the right questions

"When they ask lots of questions to people, especially when they’re based off observations.

You usually don’t ___ and i see now you’re ___, is everything alright?

Since you’ve been dating your partner, I’ve noticed _____. What’s up?

I’ve noticed when you feel like ____ you usually do _____, and you’ve been doing ____ lots recently, how come?

NEVER in a way which sounds or is judgemental, is always evidence based, and as a result people are often willing to open up and elaborate more without fear of being judged. My friends do this and I try so hard to learn from them."


10. They don't show it

"One of the biggest signs that someone is exceptionally skilled at reading people is that they don’t show it. People who are truly skilled observers mask their awareness and let others underestimate them while they quietly collect insight. They downplay their intuition and pretend to guess poorly. Also, they ask or say things that are psychologically strategic."

11. You don't know them, but they know you

"You feel super close to them, very comfortable sharing anything with them and consider them a close friend. In retrospect, you realize you know next to nothing about them beyond the surface."

12. They can make friends with anyone

"I had a friend who was insanely good at reading people. He once told me 'if I want you to be my friend, you will.' I believed it too. He could be friends with anyone."

"That's kinda creepy ngl, smacks of the Machiavellian type more than the empathetic type."

13. You're afraid to lie around them

"You feel like you’re talking to a raven and you’re scared to lie."

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Small talk coach shares 'low-effort' hack for awkward people to avoid uncomfortable silences

It's easy to remember, super effective, and based in psychology.

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A woman and a man having a nice conversation.

There are few things more uncomfortable than an awkward silence in a conversation. Both people stop talking, and it feels like a hole has been ripped through space and time large enough for a diesel truck to drive through. You need to think of something to say, and fast, or your conversation partner is going to think that you are awkward, mindless, or worse, socially inept.

The good news is that Genny Diehl, a dating coach who professes to be an “expert” on small talk, has a solution to the dreaded uncomfortable silence, and it's based in psychology. “You might have heard of it called ‘reflective listening’ or in therapy training, it's one of the levels of validation. You essentially repeat back to someone what they just said,” Diehl said.

(FYI, Diehl claims to have helped people go on over 1500 dates and has started over 250 relationships.)

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youll also notice people doing this to you if you pay close attention and tbh its nice #fyp #dating #datingtips #datingadvice #datingcoach #hinge #bumble #datingapps #onlinedating

How to stop uncomfortable silences in conversations

Diehl says that there are two ways to practice reflective listening to end uncomfortable silences in conversations. She suggests that you alternate between the two techniques so as not to seem “annoying” to your conversation partner. “The first is literally word for word. Repeating the last three words that someone said,” she says.

For example, if someone is telling you a story about getting a sunburn and they stop, and there’s a moment of silence, you repeat the last three words, encouraging them to elaborate. “That way you kind of can take a backseat and just occasionally chirp in to let them know you're still listening,” she says.

Them: Wow. The sun wasn’t shining, but I got a sunburn.

You: You got a sunburn?

Them: Oh yes, I was taking a hike in Runyon Canyon…

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The second way to use reflective listening to eliminate any uncomfortable silences is to summarize the long story they have just told. “So let's say someone's yapping in for a long period of time, make a mental note summarizing the story that they're telling and repeat it back to them to honestly, genuinely make sure that you're understanding them correctly and give them space to clarify or correct,” she says.

How do I become more likable?

Learning how to be good at reflective listening can prevent unwanted, awkward silences and make you extremely likable. There’s nothing people love more than when someone actively listens to them. In fact, Harvard scholars found that there is a conversational equation that is proven to make people more likable. If you start off a conversation with a question and then ask two follow-ups without making the conversation about yourself, it will dramatically increase your likability.

woman talking, couple on date, woman smiling, conversation, uncomfortable silenceA woman and a man having a nice conversation. via Canva/Photos

“We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study's authors write. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”

When most people think about being a great conversationalist, they think it’s all about having the gift of gab or the most entertaining stories. In reality, it’s about making the other person feel comfortable and heard. Therefore, we can become much better conversationalists by working on our listening habits. “The quality of your relationships will definitely go up if you do these things,” Diehl concludes her video, “and you will become one of the favorite people in your social circle.”

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