upworthy

communication tips

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A contrarian woman sets the record straight. Another woman reacts.

Have you ever just had "that friend" who will argue with everyone about everything? Not necessarily with regard to political views or big life philosophies—but rather, they act as contrarians to the smallest, most inconsequential stuff. By the end of most conversations, you're feeling exhausted and perhaps a little gaslit?

Here are a few examples. "Bob's birthday is in October." "No, it's not, it's August." "It's definitely in October." Texts Bob, Bob confirms it's October. "Oh, okay, well he CELEBRATES in August." That might seem extreme, but it really happened. One time, I merely expressed my opinion to a friend after a long drive down the freeway. "Los Angeles drivers seem entitled." He replied, oddly smugly, "No, they don't."

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Please !!! Enough 🙅🏼‍♀️

Luckily, there are ways of gently dealing with these situations that don't feel confrontational or, worse, relationship-ending. Clinical psychologist Christie Ferrari gives very specific tools on how to process and address these types of people, no matter how frustrating they might seem.

First, she explains the importance of discussing the matter "without sounding accusatory." She notes that instead of saying "'You always argue with me,' which will almost always trigger defensiveness, focus on your feelings and the impact of their behavior." Instead, try, "When we talk, sometimes I feel like I’m being corrected, and that makes it harder for me to want to share things. Have you ever felt that between us?'"

For those who always seem to retort with a "but" or a "well" (and I'll even throw in an "actually"), Ferrari suggests "flipping with curiosity," asking, "Why do you see it that way?" Perhaps this response will trigger their curiosity about your opinion—or at least remind them that you have one.

She also makes the point that not all contrarians are meaning to attack you personally. "Sometimes they’re unaware they’re doing it. Sometimes they’re socially awkward or wired to process out loud. Sometimes they’re neurodivergent, and this is their conversation style." Regardless, she says, "The key is noticing patterns. Occasional disagreement is healthy. Constant one-upmanship or dismissiveness is not."

When it's just not changeable, she offers this excellent solution: "You don’t have to 'win' a conversation with a contrarian. You just have to keep yourself from being drained by it. With these back-pocket phrases, you can protect your point, stay in control of your response, and decide whether this is a friendship you want to keep investing in. 'Not a debate, just a thought.' 'We’re not in court, I’m just telling you what happened.'"

This seems to be a common issue with many. There are quite a few Reddit threads dedicated to the topic, one simply titled, "How do you deal with a contrarian?" The OP exemplifies: "Him: The sky is blue today. Me: Oh yeah, that really is blue. Him: Actually, it's pretty green."

cat, contrarian friend, actually, annoying things A cat lets you know you're wrong in a conversation. Giphy Cat Nerd

Some Redditors give the harsh advice of cutting off the friendship or starting huge arguments. But this person has a real solution for at least trying to make a conversation with this type of person tolerable: "I’d say get him onto a subject where there can be a genuine, interesting discussion." The idea, perhaps, is that it's the small-talk that's met with unnecessary pushback that's frustrating. If you guide this person to "bigger picture" topics, it might feel more fulfilling.

Another notes that it's a good idea to distinguish the level of substance in a conversation. "It really depends on the stakes: Work-related and important? Drive home the correct points. Unrelated? Literally just ignore his dumbass responses and eventually he'll realize that no one cares."

This commenter, perhaps, had the best response: "You're wrong, there's no such thing as a contrarian."

Education

Formerly 'awkward' person shares the 5 tricks he learned to become 'engaging' in 30 days

"I decided to treat every convo like an experiment, collect data on what actually makes people light up."

A man and woman having a good conversation.

Do you get nervous in social situations because you’re not quite sure what to say? Do you dread exchanging hellos and then having an uncomfortable silence follow? Are you impressed by people who walk through social situations with confidence, who never seem to be at a loss for words, and whose company everyone seems to enjoy?

The good news is that if you are someone who feels socially awkward, you can overcome your discomfort by learning some basic communication tips that'll drastically improve your conversations. All it takes is studying the habits social butterflies use to be engaging conversationalists.

conversation, party, drinks, social situation, attention, listening Some friends talking at a party.via Canva/Photos

A Reddit user named Turbulent-Photo, who was admittedly awkward, began using some new conversational techniques, and in only 30 days, they went from being “awkward” to engaging. They shared the new skills they learned in a post on the Social Skills subforum. “I used to panic when someone asked a simple question like 'how's your day?' I’d give a one-word answer, then dip out. Then I decided to treat every convo like an experiment, collect data on what actually makes ppl light up,” they wrote before sharing five conversation hacks that helped them become a better conversationalist.

Note: The conversation tips have been edited for grammar and clarity.

Five conversation hacks to help you go from awkward to engaging

1. Active listening: “Instead of planning my next line, I just focused on their words, body language, tone, and it worked, mirroring their posture or repeating a key phrase (‘you said u love hiking?’), making them feel heard, and they open up.”

This trick is backed by science. Research shows that if you ask someone a question and two follow-up questions, it dramatically increases how likable you are. “We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study's authors wrote. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”

conversation, party, drinks, social situation, attention, listening A man and a woman chatting at a party.via Canva/Photos

2. Asking open-ended questions: Ditch ‘Did u have a good weekend?’ Try 'What was the highlight of your weekend?’ Suddenly they share stories, not just yes/no crap, and you got real convo material to build on.”

3. Storytelling: “Once I shared a 10-second tale bout freezing at the coffee shop, then joking with the barista, and people actually laughed. Vulnerability + humor = instant connection feels real.”

4. Body language: “I used to cross arms, look at the floor, classic ‘go away’ vibes. Then I uncrossed my arms, leaned in, kept my chest open, and people mirrored me back. Conversations flow even before I talk.”

Research shows that when someone likes you, they mirror your body language and movements. For example, if you’re seated, and the person likes you, they will mirror your seated posture. If you change your posture and then they adapt, it could be a big clue that someone likes you.

5. Affirmations: “‘That's a great point’ or ‘I hadn't thought of it that way’ cost nothing but boosts rapport big time.”

The interesting part about the five rules the Redditor shared is that most of them don’t involve you being the center of attention or having to wow the room with your amazing stories and anecdotes. It’s just about being a good listener, standing with intentional body language, and asking the right questions. Then, when you do take a moment to speak up, you’ll have an attentive conversation partner hanging on every word. Because you made them feel so comfortable and heard, they're happy to extend you the same courtesy.

A depressed office worker.

It’s your yearly review time with your boss, and although you know you’ve done a good job over the past year, the boss gives you a good old’ fashioned compliment sandwich. She starts with a compliment, then hits you with some pointed criticism, and then ends with another positive message. But all you can think about is the negative feedback you received in the middle.

After receiving the negative feedback, you feel a bit queasy and the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. You’re dealing with a rush of emotions, but you have to respond. What do you say? Justin Bariso, author of EQ Applied :The Real-World Guide to Emotional Intelligence and a thought leader on the subjects of leadership, management, and emotional intelligence, says that before you say something you’re going to regret, ask for some time to give a response.

How to respond to negative feedback and criticism

“Whenever you receive negative feedback, and you’re tempted to say something you’re likely to regret, say this instead: Thanks for expressing your thoughts...Please give me a day or so to process this, and I’ll respond,” Bariso writes on Twitter.


Why is it so important to wait before responding to negative feedback that may have been emotionally painful? “Your first emotion is your emotional reaction. It comes from the amygdala, the little almond-shaped part of your brain that jumps into action when you feel attacked. But once time has passed, the amygdala calms down…and you start thinking more rationally,” Bariso writes.

“Just giving yourself a day to process the feedback helps you to see it much differently. Instead of seeing it as hurtful, you can now see it as helpful,” he continues. “So…The next time you get critical feedback, take a step back, and be a diamond cutter. You'll transform that feedback into something valuable—and that'll make you better at...Just about everything.”

work, office, sad employee, boss, criticism, upset worker, employees An employee getting yelled at with a bullhorn. via Canva/Photos

Bariso says his wait-a-day approach works for “just about everything” because we have to deal with negative feedback in almost every facet of our lives, whether it’s work, relationships, or hobbies. It’s reassuring to know that in nearly all cases, we have the option to delay responding to unexpected negative feedback.

Bariso believes that in these emotionally heightened moments, it’s better to respond than to react.


The reason why, in an emotionally charged situation, our initial reaction may not be appropriate is that, according to Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, BCC, we all have a hard-wired impulse to react quickly to anything that feels like a threat. “Thinking takes time, and when a bear is charging at you, you don’t have time to ponder how the bear might be feeling or why exactly you feel so afraid,” Bobby writes at Growing Self. “You just leap to your feet and run to safety, thanks to the finely-tuned threat sensors that are baked into the machinery of your brain.”

Next time you feel your heart racing and your blood pressure rising because you’ve been criticized, whether fairly or unfairly, just realize that it’s best to respond when your body doesn’t think it is being chased by a wild animal. Then you can reply to your critics in an honest, strategic, and thoughtful way. Because a thoughtful, strategic reaction to criticism shows emotional intelligence, which is one of the most highly sought-after traits in any type of relationship.

Health

The 13 signs that someone is 'dangerously good' at reading people

"You feel comfortable talking to them, and you find yourself sharing things with them that you don’t typically share."

A woman enjoying a conversation while drinking wine.

Some people are just naturally good at reading others. They pick up on subtle cues, body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions that go over other people’s heads. They are adept at seeing past other people's words and cuing into the energy or emotions behind them.

People who are great at reading others have a significant advantage in being creative, building relationships, and building teams. But where does it come from? Why does it seem like some people have an extra social muscle that others just don’t?

Some posit that people who are adept at reading others often come from backgrounds where they grew up with chaotic parents or family members. To preserve themselves, they become keen observers of subtle clues to protect themselves against abusive outbursts.

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This makes them excellent students of tone of voice, body language, and emotional states so that they can defend themselves.

abusive dad, angy dad, man drinking coffee, man in a robe, man pointing An angry man in his kitchen.via Canva/Photos

To those who aren’t brilliant at reading others, these people’s skills seem mysterious at best. So, a Reddit user posed a question to the AskReddit forum to see what other people have noticed about people who are great at reading others. “What's a sign that someone is dangerously good at reading people?” they asked. They received over 1,300 replies, and we compiled the best.

Here are 13 signs that someone is “dangerously good” at reading people.

1. You immediately overshare

"You feel comfortable talking to them and you find yourself sharing things with them you don’t typically share."

2. They're hard to read

"They themselves are typically hard to read."

"Or better yet people think they are reading you and know you but all they know is what you want them to think they know."

3. They're neutral observers

"Observe the person. It helps if you’re naturally empathetic. You can tell when they’re being sincere or when there’s motivation. You can hear it in their voice when they’re nervous, jealous, or uncomfortable. You can see it in their face. You can feel when their energy pauses, dips, or spikes. The key is to be neutral yourself. If you’re not invested in the outcome of the interaction at all, you can read others better."

"My mom is the one who tipped me off to this. She said it was the key to learning about our lives when we were preteens and teens. She said she was careful not to ever react in big ways to anything we said, especially if it was negative, because if she did we would be more likely to stop providing info. If she acted neutral, we’d keep talking."


woman, wine, party, conversation, social event, formal event A woman having a good conversation.via Canva/Photos


4. They had unpredictable parents

"Some people who grew up with unpredictable parents become hyper-observant of micro-expressions. When coupled with empathy and a good memory, they can ask good questions at the right time, or pick up on unspoken emotions (or intentions/danger). This can be a blessing and a curse."

"This is exactly how I got good at reading people. If I found myself unable to predict what my father was going to do next, there's a good chance bad things happen to me. It's born out of necessity."

5. They know you before you open your mouth

"They clock your mood or thoughts before you’ve even said anything. They would ask really specific questions. Not nosy, just oddly on point. Also, watch how fast they adjust. You’re all fired up, and they’re calm and grounding."

6. They're accurate

"When they say something about you that you’ve never told anyone, but it’s scarily accurate... like ?? How do you know that, that’s when you know they’re built different."

7. They may sabotage themselves

"People who are highly intuitive, very observant and understands people dynamics usually at the expense of knowing themselves well at times."

"OH MY GOD. This. This this this. This is exactly my wife who is by far the best people person I've ever seen...and she's terrible at understanding herself or solving her own problems."


man and woman, man in suit, serious conversation, talking with hands, blonde man A man and woman in deep conversation. via Canva/Photos

8. They understand receptivity

"Children and animals like and trust them. They are constantly aware of the receptivity levels of others."

9. They ask the right questions

"When they ask lots of questions to people, especially when they’re based off observations.

You usually don’t ___ and i see now you’re ___, is everything alright?

Since you’ve been dating your partner, I’ve noticed _____. What’s up?

I’ve noticed when you feel like ____ you usually do _____, and you’ve been doing ____ lots recently, how come?

NEVER in a way which sounds or is judgemental, is always evidence based, and as a result people are often willing to open up and elaborate more without fear of being judged. My friends do this and I try so hard to learn from them."


10. They don't show it

"One of the biggest signs that someone is exceptionally skilled at reading people is that they don’t show it. People who are truly skilled observers mask their awareness and let others underestimate them while they quietly collect insight. They downplay their intuition and pretend to guess poorly. Also, they ask or say things that are psychologically strategic."

11. You don't know them, but they know you

"You feel super close to them, very comfortable sharing anything with them and consider them a close friend. In retrospect, you realize you know next to nothing about them beyond the surface."

12. They can make friends with anyone

"I had a friend who was insanely good at reading people. He once told me 'if I want you to be my friend, you will.' I believed it too. He could be friends with anyone."

"That's kinda creepy ngl, smacks of the Machiavellian type more than the empathetic type."

13. You're afraid to lie around them

"You feel like you’re talking to a raven and you’re scared to lie."

This article originally appeared in May.