To paraphrase a friend's insightful words: "You can't make a person who can't hear you, hear you, because, well—they can't hear you."
So many can relate from a metaphorical standpoint. You try to have calm, meaningful conversations, but the words get stuck somewhere along the way and simply don't land correctly. Whether it's a discussion about the current political climate or about tiny (and big) idiosyncrasies in a relationship with someone—a partner, parent, child, friend—it can often feel frustrating that you're not being heard.
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As the world has become more separated by entirely different news sources (and/or social media platforms) in recent years, there seems to be a communication breakdown. In Lisa Pavia-Higel's piece, "'Agreeing to disagree' is hurting your relationships—here's what to do instead," for communication.com, she explains that the outdated "agree to disagree" tactic can seem dismissive, putting no resolution on a discussion. Though, of course, sometimes it can feel like (and might be) the only way to move on from an argument going nowhere.
She cites communications researcher Mark L. Knapp, who has created a model of relationship development, claiming, "All relationships have a life cycle. People come together and solidify their connection through five stages, from 'initiation' to 'bonding.' But many relationships eventually come apart, going through five stages of breakdown." One of those, she further explains, is called circumscribing, which can often be a passive-aggressive way of shutting down a conversation.
Here's an excellent example of circumscribing from the movie The Break-up starring Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston.
- YouTube, Universal Pictures, The Break-Upwww.youtube.com
Pavia-Higel adds, "Circumscribing is one of the 'coming apart' stages in Knapp’s model. If problems aren’t addressed, a relationship can keep sliding down the slope toward the last stage: termination."
One solution to navigating these pitfalls is called "looping," which is an excellent way to approach conflict resolution. This is "when people use active listening, meaning they pay careful attention to what their partner is saying without judgment or interruptions." They then repeat the sentiment back to the other person and say something like, "I understand you're saying X, is that right?" This is known as the empathetic paraphrase.
An example: "So I understand you're saying you're worried about spending so much money on the Taylor Swift concert and might bail?" (I realize that's extremely specific, but bear with me.) If it's not correct, person A loops again until they understand and both parties are on the same page, feeling equally seen.
On the Top of Mind podcast, Julie Rose shares that "Feeling understood will give your partner a surge of positive emotion, which goes a long way toward keeping a conversation healthy, rather than contentious."
@topofmindpodcast There is no "silver bullet" for successful tough conversations, but certain techniques will go a long way. Try this technique used by conflict mediators—called "looping"—and follow Top of Mind to see these tips in action.
She shares, "Looping has other benefits, too. In one study, empathetic paraphrasing not only made participants less anxious but also made the speaker see the paraphraser in a more positive light."
Katherine Miller and Melanie Rowen explain on understandingconflict.org that "it provides an opportunity to more deeply understand what is important to other people and why, and allows space to explore the emotions involved."
Incidentally, as for the Taylor Swift concert, the person decided not to bail, no one got stuck trying to sell an extra ticket, and everyone had the time of their lives.
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