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Stanford expert shares the number one phrase that people good at small talk always use

This will make your next party a lot easier.

via Stable Flow/Unsplash

Some friends enjoying a polite conversation at a party.

Many people don’t like small talk because it forces them to have conversations about trivial topics such as the weather, what they saw on TV the night before, or their weekend plans. Other people don’t like it because it causes them anxiety to talk with someone they may not know well.

Either way, research shows that small talk actually is a big deal. Julia Korn at Forbes says that small talk enables us to find common ground and shared interests, build muscles to overcome social discomfort, and lays the groundwork for transitioning into more serious, deeper topics.

It also makes us feel good. Studies show that a quick exchange with a barista while getting coffee can result in feelings of belonging and increased happiness.

So, how can we get more out of small talk and make it more comfortable?

Stanford lecturer, podcast host, and communication expert Matt Abrahams told CNBC that one small phrase does both: “Tell me more.”

He learned the phrase's value by listening to his mother, who had “impressive interpersonal skills.” “Her favorite phrase was ‘Tell me more,’ and it happens to be one that people who are good at small talk always use,” Abrahams wrote.

The Stanford expert says that the simple phrase works because it is a “support response” that encourages what the speaker is saying instead of being a “shift response” that brings the conversation back to you.

Suppose you’re talking to someone at a party who’s complaining about a lousy dinner they had at a local steakhouse. “The steak was overcooked, and the service was terrible,” they tell you. A proper support response could be, “Tell me more about the service” or “What else didn’t you like about the dinner?"

“Comments like these give your partner permission to expand on what they said or provide deeper insight,” Abrahams wrote.

On the other hand, a shift response that brings the conversation back to you would be something like, “I once had a bad dinner at a steakhouse…” and then you told that story. People who overuse the shift response are often seen as self-centered or the type of folks who have to make everything about themselves.

That’s a rather annoying personality trait that doesn’t make people a lot of friends or an enjoyable person to work with in the office.

Support responses such as “Tell me more” or “What happened next” are a great way to guarantee that you follow another proven conversation strategy, the 43:57 rule. A marketing whiz over at Gong.io took a deep dive into 25,537 sales calls with the help of AI and discovered a cool tidbit: sales went through the roof when the salesperson chatted 43% of the time and lent an ear for 57%. They've dubbed it the "43:57 rule."

Now, while this gem of wisdom came from business calls, think about our daily chats with friends. It's all about tuning in and showing you care about what the other person has to say. Everyone loves to feel heard and valued.

In the end, the trick to being a great conversationalist isn’t all about being witty, charming, or informed, but simply knowing how to listen.


This article originally appeared last year.

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Former Secret Service agent reveals 'spy trick' for getting someone to do exactly what you want

It's so subtle, they'll never catch on to what you're doing.

via Matthew Haddix/Flickr and Mart Production/Pexels

Former Secret Service Special agent Evy Poumpouras speaks at a Ted Talk.

In a revealing interview with Steven Bartlett on his “Dairy of a CEO” podcast, former Secret Service Special Agent Evy Poumpouras shared how to get people to do what you want them to do. The key, according to Poumpouras, is to understand what motivates them. Once you know the psychological framework behind what makes them tick, you can persuade them to behave as you like.

Poumpouras is the co-host of Bravo TV’s “Spy Games” competition series and author of “Becoming Bulletproof: Protect Yourself, Read People, Influence Situations, Live Fearlessly.” She served in the Secret Service’s Presidential Protective Division for President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama and protected George W. Bush, Bill Clinton and George H.W. Bush.

Poumpouras says that to get a “good read” on someone, it’s essential to listen.

Former U.S. Secret Service Special Agent Evy Poumpouras shares how to get someone to do what you want

@steven

Former U.S. Secret Service Special Agent Evy Poumpouras shares how to get someone to do what you want 👀 #podcast #podcastclips #stevenbartlett #diaryofaceo #specialagent #secretservice #security #evypoumpouras

The biggest mistake people make is they talk a lot,” Poumpouras said in the video clip. “Steven, if I'm doing all the talking and you're doing all the listening, you're learning everything about me. You're learning about what I care about, my values, my belief systems, getting a good read on me and I'm learning nothing about you.”

The former Secret Service Agent says that you should listen to determine the subject's motivational mindset. Are they motivated by money, sex, admiration, status, freedom, relationships, or safety?

“Everybody's motivated by something different. But I have to hear you and pay attention to you to understand what that is. Everybody's purpose is different,” she continued. “If you give people enough space, they will reveal themselves to you.”

It’s also a wonderful tactic because your subject will have no idea they are part of a manipulation because they are the ones doing the talking. It’s nearly impossible to give yourself away when you’re sitting in silence.

Understanding what motivates people is essential when protecting the safety of the nation’s most important assets and dealing with shady, dangerous people. However, it can also benefit the layperson by giving us a framework to understand people better. Knowing what motivates someone is very important, whether you’re on a date, in a business deal, or in a leadership role at work.

It’s also very important when raising children or training an animal.

Understanding your personal motivators is also essential for making the best choices in life. It helps us determine which actions will be genuinely beneficial. It’s also a great way to ensure that we are involved with people, organizations, and activities for the right reasons.

Productivity consultant Ashley Janssen says the key to understanding your motives is knowing your values.

"When you know what you value, you can identify how an activity or goal will support and foster those values," Janssen writes. "When you decide to try something, consider whether it’s what you think you should want to do or what someone else has said you should do. Those conditions are often not enough to sustain a behavior or activity. It’s hard to keep moving forward on something that you don’t really care about or are not invested in."


This article originally appeared in June.

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10 tips for saving on plane tickets, even when prices are bonkers

A little creativity and flexibility can save you buckets of money on airfares.

Photo by JESHOOTS.COM on Unsplash

Airfares have skyrocketed, but there are deals to be had if you know how to search for them.

If you've looked into booking flights the past few months, you've probably experienced some serious sticker shock. As a travel junkie, I peruse plane tickets regularly for fun, and I've seen some absolutely nutso prices, especially during peak summer dates. You can always expect to pay more during popular travel times, but it's not usually this bad.

According to CNBC, bonkers prices are not just a figment of our imagination. Plane ticket prices have risen 25% in the past year, far outpacing the rising inflation we're feeling elsewhere. Part of the reason is fuel costs are up—by a whopping 150%. Another reason is that airlines are trying to recover some of their losses that occurred during the pandemic. Finally, people are desperate to travel, so demand is high and people are apparently willing to shell out gobs of dough to get out of Dodge.

However, just because ticket prices have climbed doesn't mean there aren't deals to be had. You just have to know where, when and how to find them.

Finding deals does take a little work. To really get the best prices, you have to be willing to play around with your travel variables (dates/times/airlines/airports/destinations), so it's not like there's some magical, one-size-fits-all money-saving solution. But these guidelines and tips will help give you a place to start to save money on airfare, even when prices go up.

1. When you travel matters far more than when you book your plane tickets.

People often ask, "When's the best time to buy plane tickets?" I've heard everything from certain days of the week to certain time frames before your planned departure being the best time to buy. There is a general guideline for when to book that's frequently shared by travel experts:

Domestic flights: 1 to 3 months in advance

International flights: 2 to 8 months in advance

However, plane ticket prices change constantly, every airline prices their flights differently and the volatility of fuel prices makes a lot of this unpredictable.

What matters more than when you book is when you actually travel. Demand is fairly predictable and peak times will almost always be more expensive. Summer, three-day weekends, the spring break period (mid-March through mid-April), Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks are bound to set you back unless you are really flexible in the dates you can travel.

(One caveat on holidays: Because Thanksgiving is a solely American holiday and most people spend it with their families here, it can be a great time to travel internationally, as demand to leave the country is low that week.)

Off-peak is where it's at. Not everyone can swing it with work and school schedules, but if you can, late September through October, late January through early March, and most of May tend to be the cheapest times to fly.

2. Check airfares frequently, as prices change constantly—and sometimes drastically.

Airfares are always changing. In fact, prices can change several times a day. One reason I like to peruse plane tickets frequently, even if I'm not actively making travel plans, is so that I can actually recognize when a ticket is a good deal.

Google Flights is your best friend for this. If you have someplace you think you might want to go someday, start doing some daily or weekly searches on the Google Flights calendar (which I'll explain below). If you have a specific destination and dates already locked down, the same rule stands. Check frequently so that 1) You know the range of prices and 2) Can tell when a good price comes along.

3. Get to know Google Flights and its various filters.

Google Flights is easily the most versatile and user-friendly flight search tool, and the great news is, it's free! The only real bummer is there's no app, so you have to work from a browser. That's a small price to pay for being able to search almost every airline at once and see entire months' calendars of the lowest-priced tickets, though.

airfare, plane tickets, google flights

7-day, round-trip airfares from Seattle to Chicago range from $140 to $472 in August and September.

Screenshot via Google Flights

Google Flights shows you the same prices you'll see on the airlines' websites, and it can be much easier to use than any individual airline website. (I don't know why so many airline website fare calendars are so cumbersome to navigate, but they are.) You can use Google Flights to find the best price, then go to the airline website to find that flight to book. (Thrifty Traveler has a nice, detailed tutorial for utilizing the various Google Flights filters.)

5. But don't book a flight until you check Southwest Airlines first.

Southwest Airlines is not in Google Flights, so you have to search its website separately. A bit of a pain, but worth it. Southwest is frequently (though not always) cheaper than other airlines—and it lets you check two bags per person for free. Often that checked bag fee savings alone is worth booking on Southwest. Some of its planes don't have the bells and whistles of other airlines—the last two Southwest flights I took didn't even have electrical outlets to plug in my phone or computer—but I've always found the crew to be friendly and service to be quite good.

(One note: You don't get to choose your seat ahead of time on Southwest, so if you're traveling with a group and want to sit together it can get dicey. Checking in right at the 24-hour mark puts you closer to the front of the queue to board, but there's still no guarantee to get the seat you want. For some, that's a dealbreaker, but for others, it's worth the savings.)

6. Search for one-way tickets in addition to round-trip fares.

This piece of advice may come as a surprise, as many of us were taught that booking one-way tickets was way more expensive than booking round-trip. That's no longer the case. I always search for both round-trip and one-way tickets, and I frequently find two one-ways—often on two different airlines—to be cheaper than a round-trip ticket. Who knew?

7. Watch out for hidden fees and exclusions on discount carriers.

That Frontier or Spirit or Allegiant Airlines flight might look dirt cheap, but when you find out it doesn't even include a carry-on bag in that price, you may find that it's not worth it. Southwest is unique in that it is a lower-cost airline that doesn't charge extra fees and actually includes more free baggage than most standard airlines. Most discount airlines tack on fees for everything from bags to snacks, so it's good to know what's included and what's not in your airfare. Discount carriers will get you where you're going, but if you want to take anything with you, you might end up actually paying more in the end.

8. Search alternative airports near your departure and destination locations.

If you're flying to or from a large city, there are usually multiple airports you can choose from. And if you're flying to or from a small town, there are often airports within an hour's drive that may (or may not) be significantly cheaper to fly in and out of. You may be surprised by how much you can save using alternative airports that you didn't even know existed, so do a quick Google Maps search for airports nearby and search those in Google Flights as well. (Depending on where you're going, some smaller airports in large metro areas might actually get you closer to where you need to be on your vacation anyway. I know this can be the case in Southern California, at the very least.)

9. The more flexible you can be with travel dates and times, the better.

This is probably the biggest key factor in saving money on flights. I mentioned the off-peak times savings earlier, but even changing travel plans by just a day can save you a ton. People often don't realize how much prices can vary for the same route within the same week or month. For instance, looking right now at Seattle to Chicago one-way tickets, prices in November range from $70 to $249. You can see it in the Google Flights screenshot above as well. Even just a one-day difference can mean paying double the price, so the more flexible your dates, the better your chances of snagging a reasonably priced ticket.

10. Learn about the credit card/airline/hotel points and miles travel game.

Most of this airfare savings advice is applicable to the short term, but by far the best way to save on plane tickets is to basically get them for free. That's a long game. Sometimes called "travel hacking," the points/miles game is a fairly complicated but incredibly valuable hobby to take up if you want to save loads of money on travel.

I started playing the game far later than I should have and wish someone had impressed upon me how mind-blowing the savings were going to be when you know what you're doing. If you use a credit card that gives you points for cash back or to use for other things, you will get much more out of it if you learn how to maximize those points to make travel much, much more affordable. (I promise I'm not selling anything here. It's genuinely something I recommend to everyone, simply because it's amazing what people can do when they learn how the points/miles game works. You can learn more about it here.)

Even when plane ticket prices skyrocket, there are always some deals to be had with a little creativity and flexibility. Hopefully, these tips can help you save on airfare as you make travel plans during this weird, wonky, unpredictable time.


This article originally appeared two years ago.

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Teacher explains why he doesn't like the classic kid's book 'Rainbow Fish'

The story loved by millennials everywhere might have a flawed message.

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If all you remember of "Rainbow Fish" were those holographic scales, you're not alone.

Few children’s books are as deeply ingrained into the collective millennial psyche as “Rainbow Fish.” After all, what’s not to love about those oh-so sparkling rainbow scales and heartwarming lesson about how sharing leads to happiness far better than selfishness will. Only, according to some…that’s not the story’s lesson.

In a video posted to his TikTok, Fifth-grade teacher Mr. Vương admitted that while the illustrations were, in fact, great, and the author probably had “good intentions, he still “didn’t like” the story behind this award-winning classic.

For those who never read the book, or perhaps forgotten, Vương explains that at the beginning, “Rainbow Fish is full of himself because when all the other fish wanted to play with him, he sort of swam past them and thought he was better. Then one of the fish asked for one of his scales and he refuses.”

This is where Vương feels the book missed the mark, since the book depicts drawing a boundary to be Rainbow Fish’s character flaw (more on that later).

“In my opinion, I think he has the right to do that because he doesn't have to give up part of himself or anybody,” Vương.

The real flaw, Vương argues, “was that he was not humble.”


@teamvuong Poor Rainbow Fish. #teachersoftiktok #teachersfollowteachers #teachertok #literacy #therainbowfish #readaloud ♬ original sound - Mr. Vương


Vương goes on to say that in the book, when Rainbow Fish said no, all the other fish decided not to play with him, which “made it more about how all the fish didn't accept him because he didn't give up his scales rather than them responding to his stuck-up behavior.”

Also in the book—the wise Octopus advises that Rainbow Fish overcome his pride and give up all but one of his scales to the other fish. He might no longer be the most beautiful fish in the sea, but he is finally happy. Thus bringing in the moral of the story of sacrificing vanity for peace.

“So he got acceptance…when he gave up parts of who he was…” Vương declares matter-of-factly.

Vương’s hot take seemed to resonate with a few other adults who thought the Rainbow Fish had lost its luster over time.

““Rereading it as an adult now, it made me angry. Little fish has the audacity to ask for a shiny scale, Rainbow Fish says no, so little fish goes and bad mouths him to all the other fish so they all turn on him and only become his friends when he gives up a part of himself,” one viewer wrote.

“I feel like the book had more of a ‘sharing is caring’ moral and just carried out the message in a weird way with the scales” another said.

One person even quipped, “…and now I know where I learned to be a people pleaser from. Thanks FYP.”

But still…the holographics scales are pretty neat…right? *cries in millennial*

It’s worth noting that regardless of his own personal opinion of the book, Mr. Vương still uses it to “teach about how to think critically about themes.”

“I opened up with what the theme was and then I read the story without telling them my opinion,” he says. “Then the kids made all these connections themselves and some of them looked at it through the lens of, ‘Oh it's selfishness.’ And some of them were like, ‘Wait, is he buying his friends?’”

Not only that, but the class had “really good discussions” about transactional relationships, as well as dissecting what the author's original intent might have been. They will also be creating their own alternate endings, “where the theme is not that you gotta, you know, pay for your friends,” as the last part of their assignment.

While not everyone might share Vương’s opinions on this kid’s book, we can probably all agree on his stance that “just because it has an award-winning sticker on it, it does not make it top-notch.”


This article originally appeared in August

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