upworthy

language

Learning

13 common phrases that make people cringe (and what to say instead)

“Few things shut down a conversation faster than this one.”

When honesty isn't always the best policy.

Ah, the awkward silence. We all pretend not to notice it—suddenly stretching our arms or scanning every corner of the room—but it's there. Sometimes it stems from something we've said, and often we don't even know why! Given how people come from such different backgrounds and upbringings, these conversational missteps are practically inevitable.

But don't worry! A touch of social anxiety never hurt anyone, and usually the solution is as simple as adjusting your phrasing. Etiquette experts and social skills coaches agree that despite our differences, certain specific phrases universally come across as tone-deaf, even when we're genuinely trying to connect. We've rounded up 13 of the worst offenders—do you catch yourself using any of these?


“I’m just being honest”

Honesty may be a virtue, but not when it’s used like this. When someone says, “I’m just being honest,” it’s typically to justify bluntness or insensitivity, therefore absolving them of any guilt or shame from the resulting hurt feelings.

Use this instead: “Can I offer some feedback?” or “I want to be honest with you, but I also want to be kind.”

“No offense, but…”

Stop right there, buddy. With a preface like that, it’s pretty darn likely that the following sentence will be offensive. “It rarely works and often insults people,” personal and corporate life coach, Mason Farmani, warns.

Use this instead: “I hope you don’t mind me saying,” or “I’m really sorry if this comes across as rude, but…”


You’re too sensitive.

This sentence is a one-way ticket to an emotional connection dead zone. Even if they are a sensitive person, it communicates that their feelings are invalid, and can make them feel even more alienated.

Use this instead: “I’m here for you.”

“Whatever.”

“This dismissive phrase is a conversational version of the middle finger,” Farmani says.

Use this instead: Words that reflect how you actually feel.

‘Whatever,’ what a versatile word! Depending on the context, try throwing one of these out instead:

  • “Let’s agree to disagree.”
  • “I’m not sure how to respond to this right now. Can we take a pause?”
  • “I hear what you’re saying.”
  • “I don’t feel strongly either way—what do you think is best?”

gnome, sign, whatever, go away, social skillsWith “whatever,” you might as well be saying “Go away.” Photo by John Bussell on Unsplash

“Calm down.”

Genuine question: has this ever worked on anyone? “Rare is the person who is actually made more calm when told to 'calm down,’” explains Nick Leighton, an etiquette expert and co-host of the weekly podcast Were You Raised By Wolves?

Use this instead: “Take your time. I’m here when you're ready.”

“You always…” or “You never…”

These words are conversation poison because they’re disproportionate generalizations. “They put the other on the defensive and start a confrontation,” reports Farmani.

Use this instead: An ‘I’ statement.

Instead of saying “You never help me,” shift to your experience and the impact of that lack of assistance to, “I felt overwhelmed this morning when I was making the kids' breakfast by myself. I’d love some help before work.”

Be specific, assertive (but kind), and show empathy.


“I told you so.”

Congrats, do you want a cookie? Saying this serves no purpose, besides making yourself feel superior. It adds nothing to the conversation and makes the other person feel even worse—like you’re running a victory lap around their mistake.

Use this instead: “I’m here if you want to talk about what happened.”

“Not my problem.”

This is a lack of empathy slap in the face! Even if something isn’t your responsibility, there are more considerate ways to communicate that.

Use this instead: “That sounds tough. Have you tried [RESOURCE] or [SUGGESTION]?”

Or, if you’re open to hearing what’s on their mind: “I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. Is there a specific way I can support you?”

people, couch, arms crossed, mad, argumentJust because it's technically not your problem, you might be creating a brand-new one. Photo credit: Canva

“You wouldn’t understand.”

Saying this creates an instant, impenetrable, icy barrier between you and the other person. Few strings of words shut down a conversation like this one, because of how dismissed the other person feels as a result.

Use this instead: “Have you ever felt [describe a relatable emotion or situation]? It’s something like that.”

“Actually…”

In grammar, ‘actually’ serves a contradiction or correction, which can make the other person feel demeaned. “The primary goal in social interaction is to be understood by fellow conversation participants. If that is accomplished, it should not matter what the exact phonetics and syntax of the speech are,” writes Benjamin Davis of The Michigan Daily.

Use this instead: “That’s an interesting point. I see it a bit differently—do you mind if I share?”

Or, if it’s just a simple correction: “In my understanding…”


“I don’t care.”

Even if it’s true, do you have to say it so dismissively? Being on the receiving end of this can feel disheartening. Or, as one social communications expert put it, “It’s a phrase that can immediately create distance and a sense of disconnection in a conversation.”

Use this instead:

There are many ways to not care, and things to not care about. So, try these:

  • “I’m flexible.”
  • “I’m good with whatever you choose.”
  • “No preference here.”
  • “Sounds like you’re [INSERT EMOTION]. Thanks for sharing that with me.”

“That’s stupid.”

Well…now what? Where can a productive conversation possibly go after a statement like this?

Use this instead: “I’m not sure if I understand. Can you walk me through your thinking?”

“Why are you being so dramatic?”

“This is a way of invalidating your feelings and treating them as a defect rather than a perfectly normal part of communicating,” Farmani explains.

Use this instead: “Is there something specific that’s making this feel especially hard right now?” Even if they may seem extreme, instead of labeling their actions as "dramatic," try to understand what’s going on behind the scenes and driving that emotional response.


Human empathy is at the core of social skills. To get better at conversations, it’s best to avoid phrases that dismiss, belittle, or invalidate others—whether that was your intention or not.

“How we speak shapes how others see us,” as one expert puts it. “A little extra care with our words can mean the difference between connection and conflict.” So, in your very next conversation, keep in mind: it’s not just about what you say, but how you say it. There are ways to be truthful about your thoughts and opinions without being dismissive. And leave these 13 phrases at home, please!

Joy

French folks trying to pronounce 'tricky' English words is a delightful dive into linguistics

Who'd have thought "thorough" and "hedgehog" would be harder to say than "psychophysicotherapeutics"?

Parisians tried to say specific words in English to hilarious effect.

Our human family speaks thousands of languages, expressing thoughts, ideas, and feelings with different sounds that make it impossible to understand one another even when we're saying the exact same thing. Linguistic studies teach us about how languages developed, how they are structured, what makes them unique or interesting, and why certain things are harder to say in some languages than others.

We learn from infancy how to form the sounds of our native language with our mouths. Early language development impacts what muscles we use and in what way, which becomes super obvious when you try to learn a different language as an adult. Depending on your native language and the one you are trying to acquire, certain words and sound combinations can be super tricky to pronounce. Sometimes the mouth just won't do it, but it can be a whole lot of fun to see people try.

That's why a video from Frenchly of Parisians trying to pronounce certain words in English has garnered millions of views. French pronunciation is famously challenging, but the ability to speak French perfectly creates its own challenges with other language. Ever seen a native French speaker try to pronounce "squirrel"? How about "thorough"? These French speakers did their best, but even they had to laugh as they fumbled their way through saying these words.

www.youtube.com

The most telling might be when "hedgehog" kept being pronounced "edge-ogg" and the woman who pronounced the "h" sound saying she felt like she was speaking German. Indeed, English has strong German roots, but most of us wouldn't necessarily think of the "h" sound as indicative of that fact.

Listening to these Parisians trying to overcome their French-speaking muscle training to pronounce these English words is as fun as watching Americans trying to pronounce tricky words in French. We're all in the same boat, battling our tongues as we try to overcome our mouths' resistance to making certain sounds and giggling over the inevitable flubs that come along with learning another language.

However, these kind of funny pronunciation mishaps aren't confined to different languages. Sometimes just having a specific accent can make certain things harder to say. Have you ever heard a Scottish person try to say "purple burglar alarm"? Hilarious.

youtu.be

As one commenter wrote, "Definitely shows how different languages requires the difference in movement of the jaw, mouth and tongue to create words."

"It’s essentially like trying to go against deeply rooted muscle memory," added another.

Another shared, "I'm French and used to live in Australia for a while. On the first weeks my jaw hurt so bad, I was hoping nobody would talk to me for a few days so I could recover from muscle pain!"

Other commenters celebrated the humor of it all:

"Others: 'Skweerul!' 'Sqwarrel!' 'Skyrel!' that one guy: S Q U A R E F R I E N D."

"The confidence behind 'square friend' has me doubting my own native pronunciation."

"Okay, 'square friend' is just a better name for them. Let's change it."

squirrel, french, english, words, funny, gifBring It Reaction GIF by reactionseditorGiphy

"They asked him to say “lettuce”, says the entire menu of Subway. That’s a flex."

"'Hedgehog.' 'I'm pretty sure that's a city.' Best quote of all time."

"This is so endearing and fun. It just goes to show that none of us should feel silly learning a new language. Language, no matter what it is, is hard!"

"It brings me some strange comfort to know that French-speaking people feel the same way about English words as I, an English-speaking person, feel about French words."

"French lady: 'th-th-therouuw' Also French lady: 'Psychophysicotherapeutics.'"

"I can’t believe that 'psychophysicotherapeutics' was the only word she could pronounce."

(The psychophysiotheraputics pronunciation actually makes sense since the word is quite similar in French: psychophysicothérapeutique. Thank you Greek and Latin roots.)

And yes, there is a similar video of Americans trying to pronounce French words:

www.youtube.com

It's a good reminder to be patient with each other and ourselves as we learn another language. It's not easy, and the more we can laugh at ourselves like these good-natured Parisians, the more enjoyable that learning process can be.

Community

The remote island where residents speak a fascinating blend of Southern and Old English

Experts say Ocracoke's endlessly-entertaining dialect is rapidly disappearing.

BBC Global/YouTube & EZScore/Flickr

An isolated island called Ocracoke is home to a unique accent not found anywhere else in the world

American English comes in all sorts of different flavors and varieties. I grew up in Baltimore, which shares some dialectical DNA with the accent you find in other Northeastern cities like Philadelphia. Baldamor, hon! There's the New England dialects, most famously the Boston accent: Pahk the cah at Havahd yahd! The New York accent is world famous, as is the deep Southern twang, which gives way to a thick Cajun accent the closer you get to the water in Florida and Louisiana.

These are all different versions of the greater American dialect. But there is one place, a tiny island off the coast of North Carolina, where a few residents speak in such a unique way that it's not even identified as American by most people around the world.

Ocracoke, North Carolina is home to a unique dialect called the Brogue: A strange blend of American Southern, Old Elizabethan English, with little bits of Irish and even Australian thrown in.


ocracoke, north carolina, the brogue, hoi toider, accents, dialect, language, linguistics, anthropologyAmericans think Hoi Toider sounds English. People from England think it sounds like something else.Giphy

The Brogue, also known as Hoi Toider, is absolutely fascinating to hear in action. When you watch interviews with the locals of the island, they at first appear to be speaking a form of deep American southern — you can hear the twang the way you might in parts of Georgia of Alabama. But then, without warning, a word or phrase will slip out that sounds distinctly British. Old English even. Then you'll swear you hear a bit of Irish!

The dialect owes its roots to a surprising source: Pirates.

Pirates loved to hide out on Ocracoke as the island is incredibly remote, about 20 miles from the mainland of North Carolina. Even today there are no bridges or flights to Ocracoke; it can only be reached by a (quite lengthy) boat ride. Eventually, the island was actually purchased by the Blackbeard's quartermaster (yes, that Blackbeard), William Howard, where he created something of a pirate settlement. English sailors and Native American tribes also passed through and had their own unique impact on the culture and developing language of the island.


ocracoke, north carolina, blackbeard, pirates, the brogue, hoi toider, accents, dialect, language, linguistics, anthropologyLegend has it Blackbeard himself named the island.Giphy

In case have your doubts about the island's buccaneerish roots: "In one popular island legend, Ocracoke comes from the phrase, 'Oh, crow cock,' which was spoken by the infamous pirate Blackbeard as he waited to do battle at sunrise with the governor’s forces that had come to capture him," writes a guide from NC State University.

The dialect had a lot of room to develop without much outside influence. The BBC writes, "Howard's community lived in near-isolation for almost two centuries. Electricity didn't arrive at the island until 1938 and a ferry service didn't start until 1957, leaving the islanders cut off except for the occasional supply trip to the mainland."

That's why Hoi Toider is still alive to this day, although its speaking population has dwindled. Here are a few hallmark phrases of the unique dialect:

A 'dingbatter' is anyone not from the island; a tourist. An 'O'Cocker' is anyone born on the island of Ocracoke. A 'buck' is a good male friend, while a 'puck' is a female friend. The Brogue uses 'weren't' liberally for singular nouns ("The sun weren't out yesterday.") and frequently adds an 'a' in front of verbs ("We went a-fishin' this morning").

But to fully appreciate Hoi Toider, you've got to hear it in action:


- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Experts say, as awesome as the Brogue is, it will likely disappear within the next 50 years.

Though the island remains about as remote as it comes, in 2025 there's no escaping the influence of social media, television, and film. Every generation born on the island is a smidge less-adoptive of the Brogue than the one that came before.

It will probably be mostly gone in the next couple of generations, which feels like a tragedy. Instead of "dingbatter" and "buck," the kids will be saying "Skibidi toilet" and "rizz." OK, maybe that's an exaggeration, but young people growing up on the island won't be as immersed in the language as their elders and will begin to speak more and more like your average American.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

There's a concept called culture homogenization. It's the idea that over time, because of technology and globalization, unique individual cultures from around the world will all start to look more and more the same. It's why you see fast food restaurants directly next to the Leaning Tower of Pisa and people all over the globe listening to the same handful of musical artists.

Ocracoke has managed to hang on longer than most places due to how difficult it is to reach. Here's hoping that the Ocracoke Brogue can survive somehow, some way, in little pockets of the island. It's just too dang cool and interesting to go away just yet.

7News Australia/YouTube

The Powers' twins are famous for their unique way of talking as if they're one person

My wife and I like to joke that we know each other so well at this point that it's almost like we share a brain. Having spent so much time together, we can finish each other's sentences and even find ourselves having the same thoughts almost simultaneously. It's common for siblings, family members, and partners to feel like their brains are "in sync" in this way.

But most of us have nothing on an unbelievable set of twins who stumbled into viral fame when a stolen car wrecked near their home and a gun-wielding carjacker stumbled out.

The two sisters who witnessed the incident gave an interview to 7News Australia. Though their story was dramatic, it was the way they told it that made the clip go mega viral.

Throughout the bizarre interview, Bridgette and Paula Powers, who are identical twins, speak almost entirely in unison as they deliver their eyewitness account.

It's truly a sight to behold. At various points in the interview, the sisters finish each other's sentences, speak the same thoughts at the same exact time, and take turns speaking as if they were one single person. They even make the same gestures with their hands and mirror each other's facial expressions.

Lost in the mayhem is the absolutely wild story of the carjacker. If you watch the clip you'll probably find yourself so fascinated by the twins psychic connection that you hardly follow the story at all.

The clip racked up nearly seven million views on X with another 300,000 on YouTube. News outlets all over the world including Entertainment Tonight, Fox News, and Inside Edition each ran features on the web-famous twins.

It's actually not the first time the twins have gone viral for their unique speaking style. They're well known in Australia as the "Twinnies," but are relatively new to the rest of the world.

Viewers and commenters all over the Internet were absolutely stunned in the best way. Not only was the joint-speech a cool "party trick," people were touched by the unimaginable connection the two sisters share.

In a follow up interview with 9 News Australia days later, the twins again dressed and spoke in unison.


- YouTubewww.youtube.com

They clarified that they always do everything together. Being identical twins means they share the exact same DNA. If their DNA is the same and their day to day experiences are almost exactly the same, you can see why they have such a strong connection. It really is like they exist as one person!

Experts say twins don't exactly have a psychic connection, although it can certainly seem like they do. The closer their DNA (exactly the same, in the case of identical twins) and the more shared experiences they have, the more likely it is that they'll have a brain synergy other people can't really comprehend. Many twins actually create their own language, a phenomenon known as cryptophasia. But even when they speak "normally" bystanders often have a hard time understanding twins' conversations because they can't anticipate each other's thoughts and sentences so well, with the conversation devolving into something unintelligible to outsiders.

The Powers sisters insist that their synchronized speaking is not an act. It's something they do together all day every day. And they don't particularly care if anyone believes them, or if people find them annoying. "If you like us, you like us. If you don't, you don't," the sisters say.

When asked if they ever get sick of each other, the answer came easily for both. "No," they said, shaking their head in unison. "We're best of friends."

And further, they're grateful for the attention, though it's not fame they're after. The twins, who are old friends of the late Steve Irwin's, run a rescue for birds and are happy for their cause to get a little extra exposure any way that it can.