Unsolicited advice rarely works in any circumstance.
Sure, parents who have the additional “village” support of grandparents are fortunate in many ways. But often that help comes with the headache of having to deal with an endless supply of advice they didn’t ask for. Even though these tidbits are given with good intentions, they can create more problems than they solve.
To avoid these potential conflicts, DeeDee Moore, a grandma who runs the TikTok account @morethangrand, suggests that grandparents “pause” and ask themselves three simple questions before doling out any guidance.
Question 1: “Was I asked for this input?”
A grandma in colorful clothes. Photo credit: Canva
“If parents haven’t specifically asked for your opinion they may not be open to receiving it,” says Moore. “No matter how valuable you think it is.”
There can be a bajillion reasons why parents aren’t open to advice—maybe it’s simply the timing of it all, maybe they gravitate towards newer techniques, or maybe they just want to figure it out for themselves. Either way, those boundaries need to be respected. Otherwise the advice, however accurate and sound, usually falls on deaf ears anyway, wasting everyone's time.
Question 2: “Is this about safety or preference?”
A grandma smiling with her granddaughter.Photo credit: Canva
“Safety concerns might warrant speaking up. But preferences like how they dress the baby or which foods they introduce first are their domain,” Moore says.
Safety concerns might include pertinent news one might have stumbled upon, such as food or toy recalls. But other instances, like how babies are dressed or what foods they eat, fall under preferences, and therefore don’t really need to be brought up, especially if not asked.
Question 3: “What’s my real motivation?”
A grandma smiling with a hat onPhoto credit: Canva
“Be honest with yourself: are you trying to be helpful or are you trying to show your expertise or even assert control?”
It might not be easy to have this kind of soul searching (no one wants to think of themselves as manipulative or controlling) but it really is crucial for anyone trying to live a little more intentionally, not just grandparents.
Moore concludes by affirming that “knowing when and how to give advice can transform your relationship with your adult children and helps you become the supportive grandparent they need.” After all, it’s all about providing support, not further stress.
As for parents currently dealing with unwanted advice, polite but firm boundary setting is usually best (if you can’t just laugh it off and move on, ideally). This might include acknowledging and validating their intentions or concerns, perhaps even sharing a bit of appreciation, then communicating your preferences. For example, "Thank you for your input, but I would really like to handle this on my own.” Obviously it’s not a strategy that will have a 100% success rate, but it’s certainly healthier than most alternatives.
When you think about how passed down, word-of-mouth advice was essentially the only way our grandparents learned about parenting, it makes sense that they would be naturally inclined to follow that tradition. But parents have so much access to information now, be it through books, online forums and classes, and yes, even TikTok (not vouching for its credibility, just saying it exists). It doesn’t make a grandparent's insight any less valuable, but it does mean that a little adaptability is needed.
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