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The CREEP method makes it easy to see if you're being played by a narcissist or manipulator

"Don't get played."

via Canva/Photos

A woman who is skeptical of her man.

If you are a psychologically healthy person, it’s easy to fall victim to a narcissist or manipulator because you’re not assuming that other people are playing games with you. You just go along to get along. But if you’re in a relationship with a manipulator, they could be playing a long game that slowly unfolds until the moment you realize that you are in an unhealthy relationship. Hopefully, that time comes sooner rather than later. Some people have relationships that last for decades before they realize they have been manipulated.

A popular TikTok user named @Mewmewsha, who refers to herself as "Older Sister," is going viral for a video where she makes it easy to understand the tactics that a manipulator or narcissist may use to control you. She presents it in an easy-to-comprehend anagram—CREEP—which outlines the stages of manipulation, and she also shares her methods for countering each stage. CREEP stands for charm, rage, envy, entitlement, and pity.

“Everyone who's ever manipulated you was following a playbook, and I'm gonna teach it to you so you can recognize when it's happening to you. Cause if you don't learn the game, you'll keep getting played,” she opens her video.

@mewmewsha

Learn the game so you stop getting played - here’s how to outsmart manipulators and covert narcissists by learning their playbook

What is the CREEP playbook used by covert narcissists and manipulators?

1. Charm

“They will act like your soulmate or best friend. They'll flatter you, mirror you, they'll use your language, they'll adopt your mannerisms, and you'll feel so seen and understood. And it is very intoxicating and very deliberate. They are building emotional leverage, they're collecting data. Charm is the bait. And once you're hooked, it only gets worse.”

Counter: “Slow down, because if it's genuine, that charm will last. But if it's fake, soon enough, when charm doesn't get them what they want, you will meet rage.”

2. Rage

“Rage can be loud, but it can also be quiet. It's not always explosive. It can be cold and cruel, stonewalling, contempt, a sudden withdrawal of love and attention. …It's designed to confuse you and guilt you and make you think you need to fix something because you wanna go back to the charming person that was just there a second ago.”

Counter: “You need to detach emotionally, give them nothing, absorb nothing. And the moment you can, you need to leave.”

3. Envy

“Narcissists hate it when you're happy, successful, and independent because it makes you harder to control. Envy will show its face in subtle sabotage. They'll be trying to undermine your achievements. They'll constantly be trying to humble you.”

Counter: Share less, move in silence. The more they know, the more they’ll sabotage you.

 narcissist, manipulator, covert narcissist, self-absorbed woman, princess, blonde woman A narcissistic woman.via Canva/Photos

4. Entitlement

“Since they feel like they own you, they expect access to you, your time, and your energy always.”

Counter: Set boundaries.

5. Pity

“When all else fails, they'll act like the victim. They will use your empathy against you. They'll weaponize sadness. They'll cry. They'll act helpless and defenseless. They'll dredge up some old trauma. They will make themselves the victim so they can guilt you into compliance.”

Counter: “Be kind, not nice. Being nice puts you at risk. It makes you feel responsible and self-sacrificial. But when you are kind, it means you have compassion with boundaries.”


It’s worth noting that @mewmewsha isn’t a licensed therapist, so when it comes to mental health issues, it's best to consult a professional. However, her advice does mirror a lot of the standard wisdom surrounding narcissists and manipulators. An article reviewed by Yolanda Renteria, LPC, notes that narcissists have an abuse cycle that repeats itself: “It involves first idealizing a person, then devaluing them, repeating the cycle, and eventually discarding them when they are of no further use.”

We should also be careful not to assume that when someone we know starts acting enviously or entitled, it necessarily means they are a narcissist. It could just be part of normal behavior and emotions. We all have our bad days and personality quirks. So, the counters mentioned above are a great way to tackle everyday interactions with friends, family members, and coworkers when they take a turn for the negative. But when their behaviors start to fit the classic narcissistic and manipulative narrative, then it’s time to be concerned and to question their motivation.

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Modern Families

Divorce lawyer uses his own ex-wife as a perfect example of how to view love after marriage ends

A divorce attorney sheds his cynicism about marriage to give rock-solid advice.

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A couple sits back to back seeming distressed.

 Divorce can be one of life's hardest experiences. The cold, hard truth that not all relationships are fixable can feel excruciating when what one thought would be a forever love comes crashing down instead. But just because some marriages (or love stories) end in a split, it doesn't mean there aren't lessons to be learned. In fact, the pain could actually propel a person in a better direction, and into the arms of the "right match."

Divorce attorney James Sexton, Esq. (who deems himself "America's Divorce Lawyer" on Instagram) gives many inspiring (and, of course, practical) talks on the matter. In a clip making the rounds online, he gets extra vulnerable, sharing the idea that if you can strip away your ego and all the jealousy that might come with it, you'll get precious hindsight, wiped clean with perspective.

Tami Wollensak's, who does client-based work in divorce law, shard a clip of Sexton getting personal, using the chyron, "The best relationship advice you'll hear," on Instagram In the clip, Sexton shares, "My ex-wife is married for over a decade now to a phenomenal guy. Who is perfect for her. And he's nothing like me, by the way. Like if you met him—if you met both of us—you'd go, 'Well, no one could love both of these guys.' Like if you like THIS flavor, you wouldn't like this flavor. Like I'm impatient, fast-talking, skip-to-the-end, we've gotta land this plane, c'mon."

Sexton slows down his speech and softens his voice. "And he's a therapist. He's chill. He's patient. And they're perfect together."

What he says next is extra heartfelt and eye-opening: "And I can say that as someone who loves her and loved her. And knows her, and knew her. And I think if we can radically view, honestly, without jealousy—look at it and just go, 'Yeah. This is the love this person needed.' It doesn't mean my love sucks. Just means it wasn't the right one for this person. Ya know?"

Wollensak writes her own commentary on the page: "Letting Go with Love & Respect. Divorce doesn’t have to mean hate. It’s possible to let go of a marriage while still respecting—and even loving—the person you once chose. Loving your ex in a new way doesn’t mean you wish you were still together. It means you honor what you shared, appreciate what you learned, and release each other with kindness." She adds:

✅ You can respect them without agreeing with them.
✅ You can love them as a co-parent or as part of your past, even if you no longer love them as a partner.
✅ You can move forward with peace instead of resentment.

These words seem to truly resonate in the comment section. One says quite profoundly, "I'm not going to find someone better than you. I'm going to find someone better for me."

A few ask for Sexton's number—some because they need divorce advice and others because they think he's cute.

Another writes, "This is such a refreshing perspective on love and letting go."

This person went in a little deeper: "If you truly loved someone, you would want the best for them, especially if it’s not you. It’s hard to find your 'perfect' match, and anyone who is jealous, angry, or wants you to suffer after you break up never truly loved you—they thought they were entitled to you."

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Golden Years

I spent a week chatting with people over 80. Here are 4 pieces of wisdom they shared.

"No one warns you how many of your new friends will pass on."

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Two hands of different ages grasp one another.

There are only a few things in this life we can't evade. One of them is aging. Sure, there's Botox and facelifts and all that jazz to help us look younger. But in the end, our cells simply insist on keeping score, and no matter how hard some might fight it, our DNA is bombarded with hits that will eventually take us down.

The good news is that with years often comes wisdom. I like to think of our minds as though they were hiking trails. Each trail has a sign, but instead of telling us which way to go, the signs remind us who we are. This past week, I was honored to read some of those signs at the senior home where my mom resides. Nearly every conversation, at least for me, yielded little sage sachets of advice that are truly invaluable.

 

Know someone before you marry them.

 

A woman in her early 80s shared that it takes about a year for someone's "true nature" to be revealed, even in the most intimate of relationships. (This, at least according to a professor she had in graduate school.) In other words, she says, "A person can hide their psychological pathologies, on average, for about a year."

So, she wishes younger people would wait at least that long before moving in or getting married. "Slow down," she said. "Really take your time before you take the leap. Everyone puts their best foot forward at first and then sometimes that mask can slip. Don't get stuck."

 elderly man, elderly woman, relationship, honeymoon phase A man kissing a woman near the ocean.  Photo by Esther Ann on Unsplash  

Some research shows that the "honeymoon phase" can, of course, vary in length. Brides.com shares, "The honeymoon phase is an early part of a couple's relationship where everything seems carefree and happy. It usually lasts from six months to two years and can be marked with lots of laughs, intimacy, and fun dates."

No matter how long that phase lasts, her advice to slow down and really get to know someone before fully committing seems like (mostly) a good idea.

 

Listen to your doctors

 elderly man, doctor's office, health, blood pressure A doctor examining a patient's wrist with a stethoscope  Photo by CDC on Unsplash  

 

I met a woman who was a retired OBGYN. We talked at length about perimenopause, hormones, and life after 50. She urges, "Do the research, but also (for the most part) listen to your doctors. Most of them know what they're doing."

We both kind of laughed, and then she leaned in and said, "No. Really." She added, "Nothing wrong with getting a second, or even third opinion. But listen and read all you can before it's too late."

 

Understand that time is precious

 elderly, aging, friendship, time, Two men play chess.  Photo by Vlad Sargu on Unsplash  

 

One thing my mom rather casually mentioned really stuck with me. This was how difficult it is to make new friends—and not for reasons one might think. Sure, senior living facilities can be just as cliquey as groups were in middle school. But for my mother, it was less about fitting in and more about fearing she would lose people as she grew to love them.

"No one warns you how many of your new friends will pass on. When I first moved here, I befriended a brilliantly funny woman and within six months she was gone. This happens more and more and you never get used to it. You're never prepared."

 

If you don't want to eat dinner at 4:30, you don't have to.

 

On a simpler note, this one might be obvious to some, but it was certainly a common topic among the people with whom I spoke. Even though they serve dinner at 5:00 in many senior homes, it doesn't mean you can't put it in Tupperware and save it for later. To that point, just because people age, doesn't mean they have to go to bed at 8:00 p.m. (Though for many, that timeline is just perfect.)

One man noted, "Just because we all live in one place doesn't mean we all become one person. We've got night owls and early birds and every other kind of bird you could imagine. Eat and sleep when you want to. It's still your life."

His friend added, "If you want to play Mahjong at midnight, do it!"

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'Just be yourself' is actually terrible advice. Here are 4 ways to reframe authenticity.

For one, your "self" is always in flux.

Photo credit: Canva

What even is a self?

We’ve all heard it before, be it in a graduation speech, at the end of a Disney movie, or in one of our parent’s pep talks: “Just be yourself.” We’ve heard it so many times, in fact, that it’s pretty much accepted as the golden rule when it comes to winning at life.

And sure, there’s some wisdom to this, especially in the context of embracing your individual quirks…but that’s about where its usefulness ends.

For one thing, the “self” is in a constant state of flux. It changes according to time, place, what we’ve learned, who we’re around, our emotional state…the factors go on and on. And this is a good thing. It’s how we are able to evolve and grow.

Tilda Swinton, an actress known for being rather chameleonic, actually has an amazing keynote speech where she discusses the “overratedness” of a conforming to one identity, noting how it creates a painful, unnecessary “burden” when “life’s way too interesting” and we could be having much more fun “riding that horse all the way and enjoying all the different landscape it will take us on.”

Secondly (and similarly), this “Just be yourself” adage promotes the idea that life is about “finding yourself” rather than “creating yourself.” One suggests that you have one fully formed, fixed identity that is lost to you, which can hopefully be recovered one day (often through an expensive seminar). But people often find much more intention, empowerment, and motivation by adopting a “create yourself” mindset. This strategy in turn can help people incorporate more nourishing habits because it makes the self a malleable, life-long project—and the owner of said identity is the artist behind it.

  - YouTube  www.youtube.com  

Lastly, as psychotherapist and author Britt Frank, LSCSW, SEP, wrote in an article for CNBC, “‘I’m just being myself’ can be an excuse for poor behavior.” Rather than working on emotional regularity and being considerate of one’s affect on others, someone might engage in reactive, unhelpful behavior in the name of authenticity…which doesn’t necessarily lead to success.

To that end, Frank suggests that rather than “just being yourself,” people should focus on these four things:

1. Allow for a “variety pack” of selves

Because you contain multitudes, and flexibility often beats out rigidity in the long run.

2. Listen to each of those selves

More likely than not, it’ll show you how to actually show up in a way that aligns with your values.

3. Remember that “real” is overrated

You can be aware of all the different parts of yourself longing to express themselves, but at the end of the day, you have the power to choose which one gets to speak up.

4. Prioritize responsibility over authenticity

This is how you build trust, rather than unnecessary conflict.

 advice, psychology, success, motivation, authenticity, identity, just be yourself, cnbc Trust can take you further than saying anything that comes to mind. Photo credit: Canva

In many ways, there is more success to be had in getting clear about the “best version of yourself” in any given situation and acting accordingly, rather than settling for an identity that doesn't allow room for growth, experimentation, or compassion. But either way, the choice is yours.

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