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conversation tips

Education

Expert shares the one way to be in a 'position of power' when talking to someone intimidating

A communications expert shows you how to be comfortable in a tense situation.

A woman in a tough job interview.

We’ve all been in conversations with intimidating people. It could be the boss, someone you met at a party who is highly intelligent, or a date with someone you want to impress but are feeling a bit uncomfortable.

In all these situations, there is an imbalance of power and you feel like you’re on the high end of the teeter-totter.

To learn how to give yourself a bit more power in the interaction and even the upper hand, we need go no further than the landmark book on communications, Dale Carnegie’s 1936 classic, “How to Make Friends and Influence People.” In the book, he writes, “Be a good listener. Ask questions the other person will enjoy answering.”


To go a step further, a thoughtful question will make the other person think you’re intelligent, both mentally and emotionally. It may also make them reflective and feel vulnerable, leveling the playing field.



Why is asking great questions so important?

“Asking a question puts you in a position of power,” communication expert Matt Abrahams, a Stanford University lecturer, tells CNBC Make It. “I can actually raise my status and lower your status when I ask a challenging question.” He adds that asking questions “demonstrates you care, it demonstrates empathy, it demonstrates you’re willing to learn and, in some cases, admit you don’t know everything. Those are all valuable tools and assets to have when you’re trying to grow your career or deepen relationships.”

How to ask great questions

Abrahams says that there are three elements to good questions:

  1. They are concise
  2. They build on what the other person has said, furthering the conversation
  3. They revolve around the conversation topic’s bottom line

A great question allows you to enter the person’s orbit and become a partner or contributor to their endeavors. You are now a collaborator in the project or helping them solve a problem, which enables you to deepen your relationship with them.

Alison Wood Brooks and Leslie K. John at Harvard Business Review say people don’t ask enough questions because they fail to understand how beneficial they are, especially in a professional setting. “Questioning is a uniquely powerful tool for unlocking value in organizations: It spurs learning and the exchange of ideas, it fuels innovation and performance improvement, it builds rapport and trust among team members. And it can mitigate business risk by uncovering unforeseen pitfalls and hazards,” they write.



What is the 43:57 conversation rule?

Study after study shows that listening and asking questions are incredibly powerful tools for building social, romantic, or professional relationships. A 2016 study found the perfect ratio of talking to listening in a conversation is the 43:57 rule.

A marketing director at Gong.io analyzed 25,537 sales calls using artificial intelligence and found that the interactions where the salesperson talked 43% of the time and listened 57% of the time had the highest sales yield.

Even though this study was conducted on business interactions, it shows the power of what can happen when the customer feels heard and believes the salesperson understands their needs. It’s the same in a social situation where the person you’re talking to wants to feel valued and respected.

Ultimately, it should make many people out there breathe a sigh of relief to know that the next time they speak with someone intimidating, they don’t have to try to bowl them over with incredible wit or insights. Instead, you just have to listen and ask a few thoughtful questions, and you’ll balance the power dynamic while coming off as more likable at the same time.

Canva

As long as there are people in the world, we will need to know how to communicate effectively.

Conversation etiquette varies between generations, cultures and platforms. Younger age groups might take words once thought to be insulting and use them in an opposite way as a form of reclamation. In some countries, talking about politics or religion is considered rude, while in others it’s completely acceptable. And certainly, there are quite a few things muttered online that (hopefully) someone would never actually say out loud. (Though it might be a good practice to not type it, either.)

And yet, despite all the nuance, there are a few key approaches that create a widely agreed upon golden standard, such as active listening, having a clear purpose in what’s being said and, ultimately, showing respect for who is being spoken to. These simple guidelines can help a person be more engaging and charismatic, which can obviously be useful traits whether you’re looking to change the world or just connect with new people.

Likewise, there are fairly universal things that can be said in a conversation that instantly come across as unlikeable. Redditor u/theevilempire asked folks to list certain words or phrases that elicited an overall negative reaction when heard, and commenters didn’t hold back.

Some, if not many, of these commonly spoken expressions aren’t even inherently repelling, but are made that way simply because the person saying it is being hypocritical or insensitive. Others are just plain ol’ overused.

Without further ado, here are 10 phrases that make a person instantly unlikeable in a conversation:


1.“I tell it like it is”

via GIPHY

This was the top answer, with the general agreement being that a person who uses this phrase is not only being unnecessarily cruel under the guise of honesty, but they're also usually a person who can't take criticism from anybody else.

“We all need to hear hard truths sometimes. That being said, usually people who are ‘blunt’ and ‘tell it like it is’ are exactly the same ones who can dish it out but can't take it,” midget_rancher79 wrote.

Objective_Stick_2114 added: “Exactly. I think a person can be direct, to the point, and still be likeable. You don't have to be hurtful or brutal to be considered direct. It's the unsolicited judgemental comments that are most likely unnecessary, over-indulgent, and just mean. I find the most direct people actually do use a lot of discretion when speaking to others, and listen more than they speak.”

2. Any "I'm not [insert something here], but…" statements

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People had a ton of examples for this. “I’m not racist, but…”; “No offense, but…”; “Don’t take this the wrong way, but…”;”Not to get political, but…” These statements are usually followed by things that would most likely be highly offensive/racist/politically leaning, etc, and therefore make the person saying it comes across like they wanted to insult someone without facing potential consequences.

3. Using mental disorders to describe a normal idiosyncrasy

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“I’m bipolar and I hate when people use it as a badge of quirkiness. Nobody brags about climbing the walls at 3 AM, nobody should aspire to burning their life down, nobody can throw away every relationship/career/education and think it’s something to be proud of.” – levieleven

“Any time a legitimate diagnostic term becomes slang for something it cheapens the effectiveness and value of the word. Not to mention the dismissive effect it has upon those who actually deal with the condition. I’m so sorry that you and others are disrespected this way so often. You deserve validation and respect for taking care of yourself, not to have your issues trivialized." – Drkphnx02

4. "I hate drama."

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“I have never heard someone say this, unsolicited, and not been exhausted with their shenanigans within a day.” – Spodson

5. "As an empath…”

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“I think self-proclaimed ‘empaths’ are either overestimating their own empathy or underestimating everyone else’s. And, only a person who lacks the ability to emotionally regulate or has narcissistic tendencies would try to make other people’s feelings all about them.” – HeyItsNotMeIPromise

6. Referring to exes as “narcissists”

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“I work in the behavioral health field and this one drives me crazy…Just because you both wanted different things in life doesn't make him selfish enough to be labeled with an actual personality disorder, oh my god. Just say you weren't compatible and move on with your life.No offense to those who actually did genuinely date a narcissist." – NightDreamer73

7. Using “corporate speak”

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Engagement, initiative, synergy, circling back…you get it. People hate it.

8. Describing oneself as an “alpha male”

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"Who in their right mind would describe himself as an alpha male and be serious about it? And how do you not die laughing at them?" – onesmilematters

9. Putting others down to make yourself look better

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“If a person humiliates others for the sake of boosting his own ego, I immediately stop communicating with that person” – AnastasiaFrid

10. "If you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best"

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It's another way of saying "If you can't tolerate my downright abusive behavior, you don't deserve my complete indifference towards you." – quickshot125