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This 3-step Harvard conversation trick makes shy people more likable

Making small talk easier? Yes, please.

via Pavel Danilyuk/Pexels

Two people having a conversation at a party.

Many people, especially those who are introverted and shy, are uncomfortable making small talk with someone new, whether they’re at a party, work event, or just standing in line at the grocery store. However, a 2017 Harvard study revealed a simple three-step trick to make you more likable and conversations more comfortable.

The researchers found that when approaching someone you have never met, asking a question and then two follow-up questions dramatically increases your likeability. The study was conducted by Harvard researchers and published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

“We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study's authors wrote. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”

party, gathering, small talk, connection, conversation, shy peopleTwo people chatting at a small gathering. Image via Canva

How do I make new people like me?

The study should be a big relief to shy people and introverts who are not interested in trying to impress people by going on and on about themselves.

According to the research, when you meet someone new at a party, the important thing is to approach them like it’s an interview, and you are the journalist. You just need one strong opening question and then you can follow up two times by asking them to clarify what they meant or expand on something they said.

“Think to yourself, 'I need to ask at least five questions in this conversation,' or 'I need to ask questions in this conversation, listen to the answers, and ask follow-up questions.' It’s easy to do, and—even better—requires almost no preparation,” Alison Wood Brooks, assistant professor and Hellman Faculty Fellow at Harvard Business School and a co-author of the study, said, according to Forbes.

People like those who ask follow-up questions not only because they enjoy talking about themselves, but because It also shows that their conversation partner is actively listening. They are paying attention, not looking over your shoulder at someone else. “Follow-up questions are an easy and effective way to keep the conversation going and show that the asker has paid attention to what their partner has said,” the researchers note.

The findings counter the strategy many use when meeting someone for the first time, whether on a blind date or at a networking event. For many, the first step is to try and impress the new person, but research shows that’s not the case.

shy, anxious, small talk, conversations, likeableA woman hides her face.Image via Canva

“The tendency to focus on the self when trying to impress others is misguided,” the study’s authors wrote, adding that “redirecting the topic of conversation to oneself, bragging, boasting or dominating the conversation, tend to decrease liking.”

It’s a pretty simple concept: people like talking about themselves and if you allow them, they’ll like you more. “Compared to those who do not ask many questions, people who do are better liked and learn more information from their conversation partners,” Brooks said. “This strategy does both. It’s an easy-to-deploy strategy anyone can use to not only be perceived as more emotionally intelligent but to actually be more emotionally intelligent as well.”

One of the studies cited by the authors focused on online dating and found that asking follow-up questions meant a greater chance of getting a second date. The researchers found that the top third of question-askers got the most second dates. When researchers looked at face-to-face speed daters, where they met 20 people at a time, they found that asking one more question on each date would help someone succeed in getting a “yes I want to see you again” on one more date.

The three-question rule has some caveats. You should make sure you're having a conversation, not an interrogation. “Asking a barrage of questions without disclosing information about yourself may come across as guarded, or worse, invasive,” Brooks says.

How much should I talk in a conversation?

conversation, group conversation, party, event, gathering, shy peopleA group of women look bored at a party.Image via Canva

While it’s important to ask questions when you meet someone new, you can’t let them do all the talking. Research shows that the perfect conversation ratio is 43:57. You do 43% of the talking and 57% of the listening. The goal is to make your conversation partner and new friend think, “Wow, that person really gets me” by the time the conversation ends.

The next time you find yourself in a social situation, you can feel a bit more relaxed knowing there is a scientifically proven way to ensure that people will find you likable and a good conversationalist. Remember the three-question rule: Open with a question and then ask two follow-ups.

Need even more Harvard-sourced tips for painless conversations? Listen to what the Harvard Business Review has to say:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com


This article originally appeared last year.

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15 ways to get out of a conversation with someone who won't stop talking

You can leave the conversation without being rude, but it can be tricky.

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A woman is bored by a very long story.

There are few things worse than getting stuck in a conversation with someone who can’t stop talking. It’s even worse when that person is a coworker you must see daily, and they repeatedly chew your ear off. The tricky part is that you want them to stop, but it’s hard without being rude.

Sometimes, it feels like the best thing to do is to walk away. However, there are a lot of people who are neurodivergent and have ADHD or autism and have a hard time noticing the signs that they have been talking too much or noticing other people’s cues that it’s time to wrap it up. So, in those cases, it’s important to be polite because the other person may know they are being rude.

What’s the best way to end a conversation with someone who won’t stop talking? A group of folks online have been discussing the topic, and we put together a list of their most effective ways to exit a conversation. Most of the suggestions are polite, but some folks make the point that if someone is talking up the entire conversation, won’t let anyone get a word in edgewise, and is wasting other people’s time, it’s ok to be a little blunt and walk away. If they're going to be rude, you don't have to be 100% polite.



Here are 15 ways to get out of a conversation with someone who won’t stop talking.

1. Positivity sandwich

"The positivity sandwich works well for anything that can be perceived as critical or negative. Positive/negative/positive. Examples:
'Hey Jim, it was great catching up (positive), but I need to get back to my work, so I can't talk (negative). I love your tie (positive).'"

2. Slow walk back

"I struggled with this for years. If in person, start slowly walking somewhere while talking and, along the way, exclude yourself for some reason. (To use the washroom, do something else, etc.) It takes some practice, but eventually, it’ll become second nature. I now do this all the time. If it’s something remote like a call or video meeting, have your device 'unexpectedly drop.'"

3. Be firm

"A firm 'Excuse me for a moment.' Shuts them up pretty quickly, and it's polite AF."

"Excuse me for a moment, but just stare intently into their eyes, no movement, no sound. But, yeah, I like this."



4. Ear pods

"I have an old lady neighbor who used to pop out with questions whenever I left the house. I started leaving with AirPods in, gesturing that I was on a call. I work from home, so it's believable. I do the same with charity muggers. With my other neighbor, who is ok for 5 mins, I give it 5 mins and say, 'ok, nice to catch up, I gotta dash.'"

5. 'I just remembered...'

"I find the best, most polite conversation breaker is to remember something very important just then. I'll kind of look to the side and do a routine that says, "Oh Crap, I just remembered," and then haul off. Then I'll just apologize later.

'Oh Crap, I was supposed to call X.'
'Oh crap, I was supposed to get with X.'
'Oh Crap, I've got a ZOOM in 5'
'Crap, I totally spaced, I've got to get to X'

I've been in some real face-numbing conversations before I learned this secret and ancient art. It's one fluid motion right out of the conversation. A flinch, a troubled face, a checking of the phone or the time, and walking out."

6. Stay strong

"The absolute most important thing is do not positively engage the conversation. If you contribute, it becomes exponential."

"This is hard for me to do, actually. And I know that it becomes exponentially worse when you engage... I just need to not engage."



7. Just walk away

"My ex-wife would literally just walk away from someone when they wouldn't stop talking. I loved it because it gave me an out from the conversation, lmao."

"I look at it this way: they don't respect my time, so I don't feel like I need to respect their feelings."

8. Conform their point and then bail

"I will usually repeat something they just said and agree with it, rephrase it, and then apologize for talking their ear off and say I need to get going, but it was nice chatting with them and start walking off. 'Yes! Exactly like, obviously, the moon landing was fake. It is ridiculous that more people don't see that. Like obviously, if you look at all the facts you mentioned, people should realize that it's obvious. But man, I'm sorry for taking so much of your time. I need to get going, but it was nice chatting with you.'"

9. The white flag

"When you are approaching your saturation point, throw out a white flag as a warning. Just like a race car driver gets a white flag indicating time constraints, you must throw one before you can legitimately stop a monopolizer in his tracks. For example, You are in your office, and your friend Gary comes by to tell you about his golf game. When you are running out of time, interest, or willpower, you throw a white flag by saying: 'Wow, Gary, that’s an amazing round you shot. Before you continue, I need to let you know that in a few minutes, I have to get back to preparing the budget.' You have politely given Gary the signal that you need to end the conversation shortly. Gary takes another four minutes telling you of his exploits on the twelfth and thirteenth holes. You can now wrap it up by saying: 'Well, Gary, that’s really something. I have to take care of the budget right now. Maybe we can catch up another time.' You can now turn your attention to your budget without worry. You were gracious and obliging, and you gave fair warning that it was time to end the chat."

10. Burst out laughing

"At my previous job, I was in the lunch room with a couple of colleagues. One of them asked about our weekends. My answer was pretty succinct, but the other guy ended up talking for almost half an hour about every single thing that happened to him that weekend. Once I realized how long he'd been talking, I actually burst out laughing. I felt a bit bad explaining why I found it so amusing, but it did at least get him to stop."



11. Is this a speech?

"Don’t put up with this BS. Walk away or explain two people talking is a conversation, you talking is a speech. Do you want to have a conversation or give speeches? Don’t tailor to his narcissism."

12. Look disengaged

"Do what I do. Look as disengaged as possible. Shift weight from one foot to the other. Put your hands on your hips. Look at your phone. Look around the room. Don’t make much eye contact. When people see that you are clearly not a willing participant in what’s essentially a spiel, they’ll typically ask if they’re keeping you. That, my friend, is your get-out-of-jail-free card. If that doesn’t work, walk right towards the door, interrupt him, and tell him you have a whole day’s worth of events planned out and have to be on your way."



13. I will let you go

"I will let you go. I'm sure you're busy, and I have to <what you have to do>. It was nice talking with you. We'll talk later.' Hopefully, they say bye, and then you say bye. If not, then, 'Well, I really gotta go. Talk to you later, bye.'"

"This is a good one, I usually end up saying, 'Oh well, I better let you go then' if they are talking about how much they still have to do, another is 'Well, I don't want to hold you back' I think these work because the other person likes to think they're really busy and have a hectic schedule but really you just haven't got a word in edgeways and good conversation needs to be talking and listening. These only really work if a person brings up what they are about to do, etc."

14. Make it a walking conversation

"Make a move and move nearer to that person like you're gonna walk and talk at the same time, and they will probably back away because of the need for private space. If you were successful, you'd have moved this convo from a stationary one to a moving one. Walk faster so that the other party pants and doesn't talk that much. If he/she still persists, pray and good luck to you because you'll need it."

15. The awkward joke

"My response to these types of conversations used to be that of "running away" because it felt very aggressive and confrontational to me, but now that I've been focusing on learning better listening skills, I've started a new approach. Sometimes, it's making a confusing joke; sometimes, it's a dumb wink or, a poke, or a laugh. It totally depends on the person and the situation, but if you actually listen to them, they are communicating in their body language or what they are saying that they think something is wrong with them. Just like pretty much every member of this group. One of the prime reasons for social skills deficiencies is an inability to communicate difficulty, and it comes out in the emotional intensity of friendly interactions, which drives people away."

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Mom shares how to respond to an apology confidently. It's great advice for kids and adults.

Sometimes, "It's okay," just isn't okay.

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A man asking a woman for forgiveness

Yasmina Elmerkaoui, a beauty influencer and founder of Merkau, is getting a lot of love on TikTok because she reminds everyone that there is more than one way to respond to an apology. Sometimes, all you have to do is say, “Thank you.” If you were the one who was wronged, why does someone get to control your reaction just because they apologized?

Her thoughts were eye-opening to many people conditioned to give a knee-jerk “It’s okay” response when someone apologizes, even though what they ask forgiveness for probably isn’t “okay.” Elmerkaoui shared her thoughts on a September 2024 episode of the “Hanging for More” podcast she hosts with Maggie Younan.

What's the best way to respond to an apology?

“I’ve taught my kids to say, ‘Thank you for apologizing,’ rather than, ‘That’s OK,’ because the behavior isn’t OK,” Elmerkaoui says. “The apology is welcomed, so it also draws a line and reminds you, no, no, no, that isn’t OK.”

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How to respond to “sorry” 🙏

Elmerkaoui’s response provides a solid distinction between thanking someone for admitting they were wrong without going so far as condoning their actions. The “thank you” response is also a way to prevent people from acting out of line again. If you tell someone their bad behavior is “okay, " they are more likely to do it again, causing a terrible cycle of poor behavior and apologies. “It reminds everyone else in their life as well that the apology is welcome, but the behavior isn’t okay and I won’t accept it,” she continues.

Elmerkaoui doesn’t expect an “It’s okay” even from her own son because she believes it teaches him poor boundaries. “They say the same to me, like, ‘Thank you for apologizing,’” she goes on. “I’ll even pull them up if they say, ‘That’s okay.’ Noah, especially, he’s such a mama’s boy, he’s like, ‘Mom, that’s okay, you did nothing wrong.’ And I’m like, “No, I did.”


“This is so important. It’s not ok to mistreat others and hide behind an apology. It becomes a cycle,” Rafaela wrote in the comments. “There’s power in saying ‘I forgive you’ too when you genuinely do, but absolutely never ‘it’s fine,’” Allison added.

Some people had never even considered simply saying thank you. “Why have I never thought of this? I've been actively thinking of what a better response would be. I'm trying to stop saying "it's okay,’” Kaitlin wrote.

Karina Schumann, a psychology professor who studies conflict resolution, apologies, and forgiveness at the University of Pittsburgh, agrees with Elmerkaoui’s approach but stresses that we respond to the apology authentically. “It’s important to be genuine without being hostile,” says Schumann. “Research shows that using a ‘constructive voice’ — where you voice your concerns in a positive, calm way — is the most effective way to invite behavioral changes and better relationships. Sweeping things under the rug and pretending to forgive when you’re not ready are not going to fix the problem.”

Yasmina Elmerkaoui’s simple yet powerful apology approach brought up a meaningful conversation about authenticity and boundaries. Her advice to shift from saying “It’s okay” to “Thank you” encourages a healthier dynamic that doesn’t condone bad behavior but places a high value on accountability. It acknowledges the hurt while bringing things to a sincere resolution. Elmerkaoui’s advice reminds us that we may not be able to control how people treat us, but we have complete power over how we respond.

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Stanford expert shares the number one phrase that people good at small talk always use

This will make your next party a lot easier.

via Stable Flow/Unsplash

Some friends enjoying a polite conversation at a party.

Many people don’t like small talk because it forces them to have conversations about trivial topics such as the weather, what they saw on TV the night before, or their weekend plans. Other people don’t like it because it causes them anxiety to talk with someone they may not know well.

Either way, research shows that small talk actually is a big deal. Julia Korn at Forbes says that small talk enables us to find common ground and shared interests, build muscles to overcome social discomfort, and lays the groundwork for transitioning into more serious, deeper topics.

It also makes us feel good. Studies show that a quick exchange with a barista while getting coffee can result in feelings of belonging and increased happiness.

So, how can we get more out of small talk and make it more comfortable?

Stanford lecturer, podcast host, and communication expert Matt Abrahams told CNBC that one small phrase does both: “Tell me more.”

He learned the phrase's value by listening to his mother, who had “impressive interpersonal skills.” “Her favorite phrase was ‘Tell me more,’ and it happens to be one that people who are good at small talk always use,” Abrahams wrote.

The Stanford expert says that the simple phrase works because it is a “support response” that encourages what the speaker is saying instead of being a “shift response” that brings the conversation back to you.

Suppose you’re talking to someone at a party who’s complaining about a lousy dinner they had at a local steakhouse. “The steak was overcooked, and the service was terrible,” they tell you. A proper support response could be, “Tell me more about the service” or “What else didn’t you like about the dinner?"

“Comments like these give your partner permission to expand on what they said or provide deeper insight,” Abrahams wrote.

On the other hand, a shift response that brings the conversation back to you would be something like, “I once had a bad dinner at a steakhouse…” and then you told that story. People who overuse the shift response are often seen as self-centered or the type of folks who have to make everything about themselves.

That’s a rather annoying personality trait that doesn’t make people a lot of friends or an enjoyable person to work with in the office.

Support responses such as “Tell me more” or “What happened next” are a great way to guarantee that you follow another proven conversation strategy, the 43:57 rule. A marketing whiz over at Gong.io took a deep dive into 25,537 sales calls with the help of AI and discovered a cool tidbit: sales went through the roof when the salesperson chatted 43% of the time and lent an ear for 57%. They've dubbed it the "43:57 rule."

Now, while this gem of wisdom came from business calls, think about our daily chats with friends. It's all about tuning in and showing you care about what the other person has to say. Everyone loves to feel heard and valued.

In the end, the trick to being a great conversationalist isn’t all about being witty, charming, or informed, but simply knowing how to listen.


This article originally appeared last year.

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