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13 common phrases that make people cringe (and what to say instead)

“Few things shut down a conversation faster than this one.”

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When honesty isn't always the best policy.

Ah, the awkward silence. We all pretend not to notice it—suddenly stretching our arms or scanning every corner of the room—but it's there. Sometimes it stems from something we've said, and often we don't even know why! Given how people come from such different backgrounds and upbringings, these conversational missteps are practically inevitable.

But don't worry! A touch of social anxiety never hurt anyone, and usually the solution is as simple as adjusting your phrasing. Etiquette experts and social skills coaches agree that despite our differences, certain specific phrases universally come across as tone-deaf, even when we're genuinely trying to connect. We've rounded up 13 of the worst offenders—do you catch yourself using any of these?


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“I’m just being honest”

Honesty may be a virtue, but not when it’s used like this. When someone says, “I’m just being honest,” it’s typically to justify bluntness or insensitivity, therefore absolving them of any guilt or shame from the resulting hurt feelings.

Use this instead: “Can I offer some feedback?” or “I want to be honest with you, but I also want to be kind.”

“No offense, but…”

Stop right there, buddy. With a preface like that, it’s pretty darn likely that the following sentence will be offensive. “It rarely works and often insults people,” personal and corporate life coach, Mason Farmani, warns.

Use this instead: “I hope you don’t mind me saying,” or “I’m really sorry if this comes across as rude, but…”


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You’re too sensitive.

This sentence is a one-way ticket to an emotional connection dead zone. Even if they are a sensitive person, it communicates that their feelings are invalid, and can make them feel even more alienated.

Use this instead: “I’m here for you.”

“Whatever.”

“This dismissive phrase is a conversational version of the middle finger,” Farmani says.

Use this instead: Words that reflect how you actually feel.

‘Whatever,’ what a versatile word! Depending on the context, try throwing one of these out instead:

  • “Let’s agree to disagree.”
  • “I’m not sure how to respond to this right now. Can we take a pause?”
  • “I hear what you’re saying.”
  • “I don’t feel strongly either way—what do you think is best?”

gnome, sign, whatever, go away, social skillsWith “whatever,” you might as well be saying “Go away.” Photo by John Bussell on Unsplash

“Calm down.”

Genuine question: has this ever worked on anyone? “Rare is the person who is actually made more calm when told to 'calm down,’” explains Nick Leighton, an etiquette expert and co-host of the weekly podcast Were You Raised By Wolves?

Use this instead: “Take your time. I’m here when you're ready.”

“You always…” or “You never…”

These words are conversation poison because they’re disproportionate generalizations. “They put the other on the defensive and start a confrontation,” reports Farmani.

Use this instead: An ‘I’ statement.

Instead of saying “You never help me,” shift to your experience and the impact of that lack of assistance to, “I felt overwhelmed this morning when I was making the kids' breakfast by myself. I’d love some help before work.”

Be specific, assertive (but kind), and show empathy.


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“I told you so.”

Congrats, do you want a cookie? Saying this serves no purpose, besides making yourself feel superior. It adds nothing to the conversation and makes the other person feel even worse—like you’re running a victory lap around their mistake.

Use this instead: “I’m here if you want to talk about what happened.”

“Not my problem.”

This is a lack of empathy slap in the face! Even if something isn’t your responsibility, there are more considerate ways to communicate that.

Use this instead: “That sounds tough. Have you tried [RESOURCE] or [SUGGESTION]?”

Or, if you’re open to hearing what’s on their mind: “I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. Is there a specific way I can support you?”

people, couch, arms crossed, mad, argumentJust because it's technically not your problem, you might be creating a brand-new one. Photo credit: Canva

“You wouldn’t understand.”

Saying this creates an instant, impenetrable, icy barrier between you and the other person. Few strings of words shut down a conversation like this one, because of how dismissed the other person feels as a result.

Use this instead: “Have you ever felt [describe a relatable emotion or situation]? It’s something like that.”

“Actually…”

In grammar, ‘actually’ serves a contradiction or correction, which can make the other person feel demeaned. “The primary goal in social interaction is to be understood by fellow conversation participants. If that is accomplished, it should not matter what the exact phonetics and syntax of the speech are,” writes Benjamin Davis of The Michigan Daily.

Use this instead: “That’s an interesting point. I see it a bit differently—do you mind if I share?”

Or, if it’s just a simple correction: “In my understanding…”


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“I don’t care.”

Even if it’s true, do you have to say it so dismissively? Being on the receiving end of this can feel disheartening. Or, as one social communications expert put it, “It’s a phrase that can immediately create distance and a sense of disconnection in a conversation.”

Use this instead:

There are many ways to not care, and things to not care about. So, try these:

  • “I’m flexible.”
  • “I’m good with whatever you choose.”
  • “No preference here.”
  • “Sounds like you’re [INSERT EMOTION]. Thanks for sharing that with me.”

“That’s stupid.”

Well…now what? Where can a productive conversation possibly go after a statement like this?

Use this instead: “I’m not sure if I understand. Can you walk me through your thinking?”

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“Why are you being so dramatic?”

“This is a way of invalidating your feelings and treating them as a defect rather than a perfectly normal part of communicating,” Farmani explains.

Use this instead: “Is there something specific that’s making this feel especially hard right now?” Even if they may seem extreme, instead of labeling their actions as "dramatic," try to understand what’s going on behind the scenes and driving that emotional response.


Human empathy is at the core of social skills. To get better at conversations, it’s best to avoid phrases that dismiss, belittle, or invalidate others—whether that was your intention or not.

“How we speak shapes how others see us,” as one expert puts it. “A little extra care with our words can mean the difference between connection and conflict.” So, in your very next conversation, keep in mind: it’s not just about what you say, but how you say it. There are ways to be truthful about your thoughts and opinions without being dismissive. And leave these 13 phrases at home, please!

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Health

Communications expert shares the number one small talk mistake people make and how to fix it

It happens at the start of a lot of conversations.

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A group of friends having a chat.

Many people don’t like making small talk. They either believe it’s beneath them to talk about mundane subjects or don’t see the benefit of discussing the weather, sports, or television with people they hardly know. However, these folks are missing a very valuable form of interaction that can help them with their love lives, friendships, and careers. They also remove themselves from situations where they can elevate small talk to something more valuable and meaningful.

Jefferson Fisher, a Texas board-certified personal injury attorney and law firm owner of Fisher Firm, has become massively popular on Instagram, with nearly 6 million followers, for sharing communication tips “to help people argue less and talk more.” While promoting his new book, The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More, he shared the number one problem people have while making small talk.

What's the number one mistake people make during small talk?

"They unknowingly turn the conversation back to themselves too quickly," Fisher tells Parade. "It’s a natural impulse—we want to relate, to show we understand. But what often happens is that we hijack the conversation."

conversation, heart-to-heart, talking, girls talking, school conversation, Two girls having a heart-to-heart.via Canva/Photos

"For example, someone says, 'I just got back from a trip to Italy,' and instead of asking about their experience, we jump in with, 'Oh, I’ve been to Italy several times, it’s great.' It’s well-meaning, but it can come across as dismissive,” Fisher said. You may not be intending to make the other person feel unimportant, but they just got back from the trip of a lifetime, and you stole their thunder by making it about yourself. It can be tough to hold back in a situation like that, because you’re excited to talk all about your wonderful experience. But if you have a little self-control and ask them a few more questions about their trip, you’ll make a much stronger first impression.

“Instead, focus on them. Ask open-ended questions like, 'That’s wonderful, what was your favorite part?'” the lawyer continued. “Small talk isn’t about impressing people, it’s about making them feel seen and heard."


Fisher’s advice echoes that of the great Dale Carnegie, author of the 1936 classicHow to Win Friends and Influence People. In the book, Carnegie says, “To be interesting, be interested.” Carnegie’s advice is counterintuitive because we are taught to believe that being likable means dominating conversations and entertaining the other person. However, Carnegie thinks that people who are generous listeners and willing to serve the other person tend to make a better first impression.

How to be more likable.

Researchers at Harvard found out that when you ask someone a question, people will like you more if, after they answer, you ask them two more follow-up questions. So, if you ask, “Where did you go last summer?” And they reply, Italy, you can follow that up with two questions about their favorite city and the restaurant they’ll never forget. Then, you can tell them that you’ve been there, too.

conversation, parties, small talk, cocktail parties, rooftop party, A rooftop party.via Canva/Photos

“We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study's authors write. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”

People will take a shine to you after you ask a few questions because it shows that you are listening and interested in what they say. “Follow-up questions are an easy and effective way to keep the conversation going and show that the asker has paid attention to what their partner has said,” the researchers write.

While at first, it may take a little practice to ask follow-up questions instead of turning the conversation to your experiences and opinions, it should take some pressure off the need to be interesting. Now, instead of trying to wow people with your stories, all you have to do is listen to theirs, and they’ll like you all the more for it.

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Education

Ivy League professor shares one word that makes people 30 percent more likely to be persuaded

This word helps turn actions into identities, which is the key to persuading others.

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Jonah Berger explains how appealing to someone's identity makes them more likely to agree to a request.

Everybody wants to see themselves in a positive light. That’s the key to understanding Jonah Berger’s simple tactic that makes people 30% more likely to do what you ask. Berger is a marketing professor at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania and the bestselling author of “Magic Words: What to Say to Get Your Way.”

Berger explained the technique using a Stanford University study involving preschoolers. The researchers messed up a classroom and made two similar requests to groups of 5-year-olds to help clean up.

One group was asked, "Can you help clean?" The other was asked, “Can you be a helper and clean up?" The kids who were asked if they wanted to be a “helper” were 30% more likely to want to clean the classroom. The children weren’t interested in cleaning but wanted to be known as “helpers.”

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Berger calls the reframing of the question as turning actions into identities.

"It comes down to the difference between actions and identities. We all want to see ourselves as smart and competent and intelligent in a variety of different things,” Berger told Big Think. “But rather than describing someone as hardworking, describing them as a hard worker will make that trait seem more persistent and more likely to last. Rather than asking people to lead more, tell them, 'Can you be a leader?' Rather than asking them to innovate, can you ask them to 'Be an innovator'? By turning actions into identities, you can make people a lot more likely to engage in those desired actions.”

Berger says that learning to reframe requests to appeal to people’s identities will make you more persuasive.

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“Framing actions as opportunities to claim desired identities will make people more likely to do them,” Berger tells CNBC Make It. “If voting becomes an opportunity to show myself and others that I am a voter, I’m more likely to do it.”

This technique doesn’t just work because people want to see themselves in a positive light. It also works for the opposite. People also want to avoid seeing themselves being portrayed negatively.

“Cheating is bad, but being a cheater is worse. Losing is bad, being a loser is worse,” Berger says.

The same tactic can also be used to persuade ourselves to change our self-concept. Saying you like to cook is one thing, but calling yourself a chef is an identity. “I’m a runner. I’m a straight-A student. We tell little kids, ‘You don’t just read, you’re a reader,’” Berger says. “You do these things because that’s the identity you hold.”

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Berger’s work shows how important it is to hone our communication skills. By simply changing one word, we can get people to comply with our requests more effectively. But, as Berger says, words are magic and we have to use them skillfully. “We think individual words don’t really matter that much. That’s a mistake,” says Berger. “You could have excellent ideas, but excellent ideas aren’t necessarily going to get people to listen to you.”

This article originally appeared last year. It has since been updated.

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Family

Mom shows 9-year-old how to leave uncomfortable conversations and it's advice everyone should hear

You don't need to let someone make you uncomfortable.

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A young girl with her hand over her mouth.

Few things are more uncomfortable than sitting like a deer in the headlights while someone pushes you into an incredibly awkward conversation. Whether it’s a TMI (too much information) conversation or they want to talk about politics or religion, it’s hard to tell someone that a subject is off-limits.

However, in a viral Instagram post, Charisse Sims makes an essential point about these awkward situations: It will be uncomfortable whether you tell them to change the subject or if you have to sit through the conversation. So it’s better to take the option that’s less hurtful to you. Sims is a mother of six and the host of the Parenting for the Culture podcast. She is also an awarded Educator by PBS and PBS Kids.

How do you leave uncomfortable conversations?

She shared the advice while talking to her 9-year-old daughter, who she could tell felt very awkward about a recent conversation. “Immediately, when she started having that conversation, I could see on your face that you felt uncomfortable,” Sims told her daughter in an Instagram Reel. “When you have that feeling, your response to them should be, ‘I feel uncomfortable in this conversation. Let's talk about something else.”


Sims then asked her daughter to repeat the phrase a few times to burn it into her brain for when she needed it. Her daughter then admitted that telling someone to change the conversation would be difficult. Most people probably agree that telling people you’d like to change the subject is uncomfortable.

However, Sims makes a great point. You will be uncomfortable both ways, so choose the one that best suits you.

“Which one is a longer discomfort, taking 10 seconds to say, ‘I feel uncomfortable in this conversation. Can we talk about something else?” Sims asked. “Or, sitting in a 20- to 30-minute conversation that you feel uncomfortable in?”

stop, woman, woman says stop, talk to hand, hand out, stop hand, conversation, awkwardA woman holding her hand out saying "stop."via Canva/Photos

“It is uncomfortable telling people stop. It is uncomfortable being like, ‘I don't really like what you're doing,’ because you're worried you're going to hurt their feelings, and you want them to like you,” Sims continued. “But it's also uncomfortable to sit there and be uncomfortable for a long time. So choose your discomfort, and choose the one that's going to help you, not hurt you.”

Candace Smith, antiquette expert, says it’s also helpful if you have another topic on deck that the person may be interested in to make the transition smoother for both parties. “When you think it’s time to let the other person know you will change the subject, be positive, and smile. Keep your eye contact warm and direct,” she says, before giving an example: “I’m going to change our subject here. Let’s talk about something cool like the Marvel movie!”

shhh, shush, finger over mouth, girl saying quiet, end of conversation, finger over mouthA young girl making a "quiet" motion. via Canva/Photos

Sims' advice is important because it’s something that all of us, adults included, could use next time they are forced into an uncomfortable situation. Her advice is a great tool for making sound decisions when we feel awkward and unable to think on our feet. “I wish when I was growing up, I was taught more how to navigate tricky situations rather than just being told to stay out of them,” Sims wrote in her post. “As simple as that is, It’s not always that easy. Our children need more support and actual practice navigating these awkward situations.”

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