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Parenting

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Is sitting on the bench at the playground "lazy parenting"?

I've been both parents in this situation: I've been the dad climbing up the playground with my kids, chasing them, making up silly games. And then I've also been the dad who just wants to sit on the bench and rest for a few minutes, and who groans when my 4-year-old decides she wants to take on the monkey bars and needs my help.

The former makes you feel like a million bucks, but is utterly exhausting. The latter comes with a ton of guilt. Where does the guilt come from? Why is there so much pressure to always be "on"? I have no idea, but it's suffocating. And some parents have had enough.

One mom is taking a stand against the judgment and internalized-guilt. She says it's more than fine to sit on the side and let your kids play independently.


moms, motherhood, parenting, mom shame, mom guilt, dads, fatherhood, kids, playground, play, independenceSome parents get accused of "not supervising" their kids when they're literally sitting 10 feet away. Photo by Oakville Dude on Unsplash

Amanda, a mom of three, recently posted a video on Instagram: "I saw a reel that said, 'parents at the park should get off the bench and play with their kids...' NO" the caption read.

"God forbid we ... let the playground be for kids ... a space where they get to experience some freedom, explore, interact and engage with other children without their parent breathing down their neck," she writes in the post.

Amanda adds that the advice to "get off the bench" came from a parenting influencer she usually really likes and who has helped her come up with new ideas to connect with her kids. But it shows how deeply-ingrained the pressure really is when even the "good" parenting experts are anti-rest and pro-hyper-involvement.

"I’m just highlighting here that ITS OKAY if you don’t want to be the adult scaling the playground!!" Amanda says. "Didn’t think this was a controversial take but I’ve said it before on here and have been called lazy."


Surprisingly, users were split on Amanda's "hot take," and were pretty heated about it themselves. Over 1.2 million people watched the video and thousands chimed in with their thoughts on the matter.

Many agreed that it was ridiculous to hold parents to the always-on standard.

"That was definitely said by a non parent who probably got ten hours of sleep. The audacity"

"Those of us who are SAHMs go ri the playground for a mother freakin BREAK"

"I tell my kids all the time: 'Go play with your brothers, that’s why I made more than 1 of you' I’m here to sip my coffee and talk to my friends"

"solo mother to toddler triplets here. It has taken me 3 1/2 years to get to the point I can actually sit down at the park. I’d love someone to say that to my face while I take the ONLY 5 minute break I get in my day"

"This! There is an over correction in the parenting these days. This gen of parents wants so barely to not be the absentee parents of yesteryear that they over parent and are over involved"

Some parents had safety concerns about not being "right there" in case something were to happen.

"I hear you but sometimes my toddler wants to play on the bigger structure and I just stand below making sure he doesn't jump off the high platforms"

"I wish, my anxiety is too bad 😂 I’m working on it."

"Maybe when they stop making playgrounds with random drop offs I can be chill enough to sit down."

"Parents need to get off their phones. I'm tired of having to tell someone else's kid to stop throwing sand cuz their mommy cares more about their phone than their kid."

(Whether being on your phone while your kid plays within eye-and-ear-shot is inherently bad is another discussion we need to have.)

A few commenters brought up an even greater point: It's about more than just mom and dad getting a break. It's about giving kids an opportunity to practice independence.

"As a mom of two, I’ve learned there’s so much value in giving kids space to play, explore, and even figure things out without us constantly hovering. It doesn’t mean we’re lazy, it means we trust their independence and know our own nervous systems matter too. We need more conversations like this"

"Let them be bored. Let them get creative. Let them make new friends. Their parent is not their court jester. The playground is meant for children to play, not the parents."

In fact, a key element of the popular and scientifically-validated Montessori method is that children should never be interrupted when playing or focusing on an activity.

"When children are engaged in interesting activities, they are simultaneously practicing their ability to remain engaged, to attend to other activities and to manage multiple stimuli without losing the capacity to concentrate on one. For parents, supporting children’s developing concentration means, first, giving them the opportunity to concentrate without interruption," writes Raintree Montessori.

Many well-regarded educational philosophies center on child-led learning, independence, and allowing children room to flex their creativity and play the way they want. Kids without an opportunity to learn and practice independence early have been shown to have worse outcomes later in life.

Why do millennial parents feel so much pressure to be hyper-involved?


moms, motherhood, parenting, mom shame, mom guilt, dads, fatherhood, kids, playground, play, independenceIt's hard for parents to let go, but kids need chances to practice doing things on their own. Photo by Myles Tan on Unsplash

Gen X and certainly Boomer parents did not feel the same way. Many of them were and are more than content to let their kids run free without nearly as much supervision — for better or worse.

Maybe we've just seen too many influencers wagging their fingers at us, having grown up on social media. We've seen too many news stories about kidnapping and other bad actors stalking public parks. We've seen the horrible injuries and accidents amplified by social algorithms that feed on fear and anger. And so we "helicopter." Not to be controlling, but to be protective.

Bit by bit, though, the public conversation is changing. Parents are being encouraged more and more to let go, just a little bit.

It's such a fine line, though. Many parents hover over their kids on the playground precisely because of potential dangers, bullying, or negative interactions with other kids. And who wouldn't do anything in the world to protect their child?! But it's also more than OK for a parent to consider that a crucial part of the independence lesson. Sometimes it's good for kids to work out conflicts on their own! It's even good for them to push their limits too far and fall down!

Ultimately, you don't have to be a "play" parent or a "bench" parent. You can choose for yourself based on your child, what he or she needs, and what the situation calls for. In the end, there should be a lack of judgment whatever you choose.

Parenting

Teachers share the tell-tale signs they know a parent truly cares about their kid

"When the child speaks, the adult listens. When the adult speaks, the child listens."

Image via Canva

Teachers share insights on the signs parents truly care about their kids.

Few people spend more time with kids than teachers. From the classroom to the playground, teachers have deep and intuitive insight into what their students' relationships are like with their parents, and many teachers can tell when parents are invested and truly care about their kids.

In a Reddit forum, member @allsfairinwar posed the question: "Teachers of Reddit: What are some small, subtle ways you can tell a child’s parent really cares about them?"

Teachers from all education levels shared their insight. From elementary teachers to high school teachers, these educators offered their firsthand experience with students that informed them about their relationship with parents at home. These are their most powerful observations.

art, kids art, child painting, kids art project, finger paintHit It Bang Bang GIF by Eddie & Laura Burton Realty GroupGiphy

"When the parent stops and actually looks at their kid's art/work/listens about their day before heading home. I know everyone gets busy but damn don't shove the art your kid is proud of right in their bag without first looking at it. We do the same piece of art for a week. They spent 2 hours on that, spare 2 minutes to show them their effort is worth something to you." —@Worldly_Might_3183

"When the child speaks, the adult listens. When the adult speaks, the child listens." —@homerbartbob

"When the parents are familiar with the child’s friends and talk to their child’s friends, I know they’re listening to their child talk about their day at school. Or when parents let slip that they got a full recap of something I said or that happened at school. I know they are having conversations with their child at home, and paying attention." —@Pinkrivrdolphn

minecraft, minecreaft gif, minecraft meme, minecraft kids, minecraft movieGames GIFGiphy

"When the kid is happy/quick to tell their parents about things. Not just serious or important things, but just random bullsh*t. Do I care about Minecraft? Not really. Do I care that my kid cares about Minecraft? Very much. Lay it on me kid. Spare no detail." —@IJourden

"They let their kids fail and experience natural consequences. Good parents are preparing their children to be adults, and part of that is learning responsibility and accountability. Let your kids make mistakes and learn from them!" —@oboe_you_didnt

"You can tell a lot about home life based on students behavior the week leading up to a break. If they are happy/excited/giddy/endearingly obnoxious I know they are going somewhere safe to someone who cares. The students who don’t have that are often increasingly anxious/angry/withdrawn/acting out." —@pulchritudinousprout

hug, greeting, hugs, greet, reunitedMonsters Inc Hug GIFGiphy

"The moment that a parent greets the child at the end of the day is very telling. Some parents clearly want to know all about their child's day and connect with them, some don't." —@Smug010

"When I make positive contact home and the parent speaks glowingly about their own kid. It’s great to hear." —@outtodryclt

"A few years back, I heard a parent ask their kid if they found someone to be kind to today. That made a real impact on me. Now I try to remind my own kids to 'find someone to be kind to' if I’m doing drop off and/or ask 'Who were you kind to today?' after school." —@AspiringFicWriter

"When a student asks for help, they actually need the help. They are not doing it just to get your attention."—@Typical_Importance65

cute kid, well groomed, kid hair, clean clothes, kid cared forDance Marathon Reaction GIF by Children's Miracle Network HospitalsGiphy

"It doesn’t always mean everything is perfect at home, but a child who is well-groomed is always a good sign. That doesn’t always mean the most fashionable clothes or perfect hair, just that the child is clean, their clothes are clean and appropriate for the weather. Also when a child knows how to celebrate their own wins and isn’t afraid of making a mistake or being wrong- that shows that their parents have modeled good emotional regulation." —@itscornelectric

"They get them services when they’re struggling. I work with kids with disabilities and the learning outcomes/experience of school (and by extension, the greater world) for kids who have their needs met is far different to those who don’t. The number of parents who respond to a teacher saying 'I think it might be worth John seeing an OT/a speech therapist/ getting his eyes checked' with something along the lines of 'f*ck you, what would you know?' Is astounding. The parents who make appointments, share information from specialists with the school, and are proactive about their children’s abilities or disabilities - their kids see such improvements." —@prison_industrial_co

"They ask thoughtful questions. Even something that seems routine to adults like, 'How is/was your day?' I'm in elementary, and it's appropriate for kids to talk mostly about themselves. Kids who ask thoughtful questions are doing so because it's consistently modeled. It's also not very common (again, age appropriate egocentrism) so it stands out." —@mundane-mondays

read, reading, kid reading, kids read, reading with kidsRead Book Club GIFGiphy

"When you know they're being exposed to reading at home. Maybe they can read at a higher level or they're mastering their sight words. For students with learning disabilities, the kids are trying their hardest to read, using context clues, using pictures and making up a story, or even making different voices for characters. When I was in a low functioning Autistic support room, this one little boy couldn't form words, but he made noises is different voices and used dramatic face expressions on each page to represent characters talking." —@Mediocre-Bee-9262

"Accountability. A good parent knows that their kids isn't perfect and if the kid does something wrong (like hitting or bullying other kids) they don't look for excuses, or for how the other kid provoked that behavior, but helps their kid understand why their behavior was hurtful." —@SadlyNotDannyDeVito

Police called after dad is mistaken for a homeless man.

When you're in the throes of parenting a newborn, there's not much room for glamour. You spend your days exhausted and looking like a haphazardly thrown together preschool art project because your nights are filled with feedings and diaper changes. Being able to take a shower feels like a spa day, especially if you have other small children who need your attention. A California dad of four knows this dance of exhaustion all too well, but he never expected that looking like a tired parent would result in having the police called on him.

That's right, someone called the police on him for looking as if he rolled out of bed and grabbed the closet clothes he could find. Chapman Hamborg was taking his newborn for a walk when one of his neighbors called the police on him reporting that he was a homeless man that had stolen a baby. The dad recorded the unbelievable interaction with the police who thought they had a kidnapping situation on their hands only to find out it was all a misunderstanding.

Hamborg uploaded the video to his social media platform where it has been viewed over 50 million times. In the video, you see the exhausted dad trying to laugh off the situation as he explains to his wife, "Someone called the cops on me thinking that I was homeless with a baby, so the cop needs to see my ID." His wife, who can be heard in the background, is in disbelief.

The caption of the video explains what happened in greater detail, reading, "I take our newborn daughter for walks around our neighborhood while wearing her in the baby carrier multiple times a day. I am surprised all of my neighbors haven’t seen me and recognize me by now. Well this lady thought I was homeless and had a (stollen?!) baby and she was concerned enough to call the police, and get in her car and follow me home. Apparently I need to work on my appearance—I guess being an artist or a tired dad isn’t a valid excuse."

Since it was clearly a mistake, the police seem to apologize and leave Hamborg to continue caring for his newborn. People who viewed his video could relate to his exhausted look while others were confused on how the woman followed him to his home but still thought he was homeless.

"Honestly we all look homeless with a newborn, it’s called exhaustion." one person writes.

"She clearly doesn’t understand homelessness if she followed you home," another says.

"Since when is being homeless with a baby a crime? Homeless people have children," someone else points out.

homelessness; homeless; dad; homeless dad; neighbor calls police; parenting; new parentsHome Equality GIF by INTO ACTIONGiphy

Instead of getting upset or letting the incident go as an innocent mistake, the artist is using it as a teachable moment for others. The art studio owner already had a picture he painted of him wearing one of his other children when they were an infant. That sparked the idea to use the painting titled Unseen Path to help the homeless.

Hamborg contacted the United Way of Orange County and is working with them to sell prints of his painting with 20 percent of the proceeds going to helping the homeless. They both hope to address the misconception of who experiences homelessness. The United Way pointed out to NBCLA that 371 families contacted them due to either already experiencing homelessness or being imminently at risk of being homeless. The dad wants to teach his children how to be compassionate towards homeless people and one day hopes to meet the neighbor who called the police to thank her for being vigilant.

Some teenage boys holding beers.

When it comes to teens and alcohol, parents usually come down to two different camps: they either forbid their children from drinking alcohol in all circumstances until they are an adult, or 21, or they allow them to drink at home because it’s safer than if they do it elsewhere. One set of parents believes that alcohol exposure will cause problems, the other thinks that if they remove the taboos surrounding alcohol, it’ll make them less likely to abuse it.

Should parents allow their teen children to drink in the home?

So, what’s the right thing for parents to do? A new study out of the University of Buffalo found that when parents allow their kids to drink alcohol, they run a greater risk of them having a drinking problem in the future. Sorry, “cool” mom or dad, allowing your place to be the party house has its consequences.

teens, alcohol, teens and beer, underage drinking, alcoholism study, alcohol use disorderTeenage boys holding blue drinks.via Canva/Photos


The study conducted by Bernard Pereda, a Doctoral Student in Psychology at the University at Buffalo, and his team examined questionnaires filled out between 2008 and 2019 by 387 adolescents starting at age 11 and their parents. The questionnaires asked the adolescents if they ever drank alcohol with their parents’ permission, even just a few sips, and if they answered yes, at what age. The researchers then analyzed the participants' drinking habits at 18 to 20.

"A robust relationship was found between parental permission to use alcohol during adolescence and increased alcohol use frequency and quantity, alcohol use disorder symptoms, and alcohol-related harms in young adulthood," the study says. It added that the age they had their first sip "was not associated with later alcohol use outcomes, suggesting a uniform risk effect of parental permission to drink."

teen girl drinking, orange juice, screwdriver, bar, alcoholismA young woman having a drink. via Canva/Photos

To put it simply, kids who were allowed to drink alcohol at home, no matter what age they started, were more likely to become alcoholics than those who did not. “We found that adolescents were more likely in young adulthood to drink more often and in greater amounts in families that allowed this practice compared with those that did not,” Pereda told The Conversation. “The risk of experiencing symptoms of alcohol use disorder and negative consequences from drinking in young adulthood was also higher. Importantly, the age at which drinking with parents’ permission began did not change this effect.”

How to talk to teens about alcohol

young people, college kids, red cups, party, co-ed party, college, beerSome young people having a party.via Canva/Photos

"But on balance, what the data tell us is that [letting kids drink at home] is not necessarily the right choice. And what it can do is it can normalize the idea of underage drinking, which is not something we want to do," Lisa Damour, author of The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, told CBS News. “It's not the harm reduction approach we thought it is," she said.

When setting boundaries about alcohol with teens, it’s essential to be upfront with them without turning it into a lecture. “Have an honest, nonjudgmental, fact-based conversation with your child about alcohol,” Robert Leeman, Ph.D., Professor and Chair of the Department of Health Sciences in the Bouvé College of Health Sciences at Northeastern University, said according to Psychology Today. “And put away the wagging finger—the nonjudgmental part is really important. Once you start to get judgmental, people just move into defensive mode and shut down.”