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Man honors mom's passing with a tattoo of her handwritten diary entry from the day he was born

"The second I saw it I thought to myself, 'Oh my god, these were her first thoughts about me.'"

Photos courtesy of Jake Bley

Jake Bley wanted to commemorate the 10th anniversary of his mother's passing.

When kids are growing up, they often see their mother in one dimension—just "Mom"—without much thought for the life she lived before kids or who she is outside of that role. It's usually not until we reach our own adulthood that we recognize, "OH, Mom is much more than just my mother," and if we're lucky, we then get to know her in a whole new light and celebrate all that she is.

Jake Bley is lucky to be getting to know and celebrate his mother, Nicki—but in a very different way than most people do. Nicki Bley was only 46 when she died after a year-long battle with Acute Myeloid Leukaemia in 2014. Jake, one of Nicki's five children, was in his early 20s when she passed.

toddler in mom's arms and adult son with arm around momJake as a toddler and as an adult with his mom, NickiPhotos courtesy of Jake Bley


"As a young mother, our relationship was closer to a friendship than a usual mother/son relationship," Jake tells Upworthy. "I could go to her about anything, and she was always supportive…she was one of my best friends."

woman bald from chemo laughing with her adult son

Jake and Nicki just months before Nicki passed

Photo courtesy of Jake Bley

Shortly before she died, Nicki gave each of her kids a special gift. To Jake, she handed over her collection of handwritten diaries she'd kept from the time she was 8 years old.

"When she gave each of her children our gifts she was very sick," he says. "But she told me she gave me the diaries and other sentimental items because she knew I would value them, and I could process her thoughts throughout the years. Get to really know who she was and value that. The good and the bad."

"It has been 10 years since she passed, and I only started really looking at the items recently," Jake shares. "It has been too hurtful to explore them until now. That's when I found the little red Collins from 1989, the year I was born. From there, I flicked to the day I was born and that was when I saw her entry—'only a little fellow.'"

Jake had been born prematurely, weighing only 5.7 pounds at birth, and Nicki had jotted "Only a little fellow" as a note beneath his statistics.

"The second I saw it I thought to myself, 'Oh my god, these were her first thoughts about me," Jake says. "I couldn't stop thinking about it."

As part of his healing journey, Jake decided to tattoo the phrase on his leg, in his mom's handwriting, to commemorate the 10th anniversary of her passing.

"I took the day off work, very nervous, and I walked into a local tattoo artist studio with no booking," he says. "Up until then I didn't feel like I could commit. My tattoo artist Riley was incredible. I told her the story, and she took the 1989 Red Collins diary and copied the handwriting on to a transfer for the tattoo."

"I love meaningful tattoos," she told him. It was Jake's first time getting a tattoo, but he says that all of his nerves instantly vanished when he saw the final product.

"It was perfect. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and it was a happy moment. When I got back to my car I cried happy tears, because for the first time in a very long time I was letting myself feel my emotions."

He shared a video documenting the tattoo experience on TikTok:

@jakebley

TW: GRIEF. I know shes watching over me. #Tattoo #Grief #griefjourney ❤️

Jake says his grief over his mother's death has been complex. "It's not until years later that I started to understand the impact of losing a parent, and the need to not only experience, but feel my emotions," he says. "Taking the time to rediscover my mother, and getting this tattoo a decade later has been part of my healing journey."

Jake's story has gone viral on social media, with people offering their words of comfort and their own experiences with remembering their loved ones, which has given a whole new dimension to Nicki's legacy.

"It has been so wonderful seeing the love pouring out from the community," Jake tells Upworthy. "The thought that 10 years on my mother's handwriting, love and memory not only lives on but is celebrated by so many truly fills my heart."


This article originally appeared in July.

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Mom has comical response to commenters who complained she was too old for her outfit choices

She made the cardinal offense of being 37 and daring to not dress like a grandma.

Photo by Daniel Monteiro on Unsplash
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Once women reach a certain age, society does something weird. It starts sending messages that you're simply too old to dress as if you have a social life. In general, it seemed as if society had been moving away from those unrealistic expectations laid upon moms and women over the age of 35, but maybe not.

Jessica Buwick, a mom on TikTok, found out fairly quickly that people still have interesting ideas about how "old people" should dress when going out in public. The 37-year-old mom ordered a plethora of outfits to try on to wear for her son's graduation, prompted by her seeing other moms on social media dressing much more fancy for graduations than parents did when she graduated.

It was a silly, lighthearted video showing her trying on all of the outfits that did not make the cut for various reasons. One was too short and didn't zip. Another was ill-fitting and confusing. They were obvious catastrophes that just didn't work, so she made the misfortune into funny content. And people had a lot to say.

Many people laughed along, while others took the opportunity to take jabs at the mom's fashion choices.

One commenter decided to point her in the right direction by commenting, "Maybe YOU should have shopped in an age-appropriate section of the store so you don't look like a SKANK in your clothing, thereby humiliating your poor son."

Yikes, that was a bit harsh and sadly a common theme as multiple people pointed out how she was going to embarrass her son.

@jessicabuwick

#graduation #graduationfail #dressfail #graduationoutfit #graduationoutfitideas

But instead of letting the haters get to her, she decided to follow up with a video of more "appropriate" outfits for an elderly mother to wear while attending her child's graduation.

"Apparently I triggered a whole demographic of y'all when I shared my dress options for my son's high school graduation. A lot of you were horrified with my choices," Buwick continued. "Apparently they were not appropriate for a high school graduation nor for someone of my age...37."

Clearly, the mom received the message and proved it by donning a floor-length gown with long sleeves to make sure minimal skin was showing. In another outfit that gave off Julie Andrews vibes, she burst into song to complete the look, though she nixed that dress because the sleeve was slightly sheer. The outfit she settled on at the end was clearly more the speed she thought the commenters were expecting.

Watch:

@jessicabuwick

Thank you for coming #graudation #graduationdresses #formaldresses

She took the comments in stride and made others laugh while doing so. Her son's graduation had already passed, and in a follow-up video she showed the outfit she decided to go with—a cute pair of dress shorts, a tank top and a brightly colored blazer. While I'm sure someone will disagree with that outfit choice as well, Buwick seems to have found a perfectly hilarious way to handle the negativity.


This article originally appeared last year.

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Mom creates groundbreaking way to teach her kids about chores with a 'Notice and Do' list

She says it has been a game changer.

Photo credit: Canva, @samkelly_world/Threads

The "Notice and Do" list is a great chore list alternative that teaches kids to be aware of what needs to be done.

Though motherhood has long involved the intangible, yet nonetheless taxing responsibilities of managing a household, we’ve only had the term “invisible labor” to actually define this experience for thirty some odd years. And if the conversation of invisible labor is still fairly new in the world of adults, how can they teach kids to be cognizant of it?

Sam Kelly, therapist and mom of three, has a pretty cool solution to this, and it starts by tweaking the traditional chore list. On her Threads account, Kelly explained that she has ongoing conversations about invisible labor with her 6, 10, and 12-year-old, where she teaches them that “that the very first step in anything getting done around the house (including chores) is NOTICING that something needs to get done and then doing it.”


It’s through these conversations that Kelly realized the chores charts that most parents use miss this “crucial step,” which only “defaults that emotional labor onto me, their mom/the woman, to carry the load of knowing what needs to get done and then doing the work of assigning tasks.”

So, instead of chores, Kelly’s family participates in an activity she calls their “Notice and Do’s.”

“I’m teaching my kids how to first notice what needs to be done around the house and then take the initiative to actually do it on their own,” she writes, with the end goal being for them to eventually participate in “shouldering the mental load (in age-appropriate ways)” without needing instructions from mom.

Post by @samkelly_world
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Long term, Kelly hopes that her kids will not only be more aware of invisible labor that happens every day, but also “have developed the proactive, self-motivational skills to take responsibility for doing it themselves.”

In creating her “Notice and Do” lists, Kelly has also made sure to address—and dispel— inherent gender norms, in both teaching her daughter that it is not solely a woman’s job, and teaching her son to take an equal amount of responsibility.

“This might seem like a crazy fantasy pipe dream. I get it,” she writes. “But slowly, over time…it’s working.”

All in all, other adults seemed to love this approach.

“Those are all great executive functioning skills of planning, organization, perception, attention, working memory and initiation at work. Well done!👏🏾👏🏾,” one person wrote.

“I love this. It really TEACHES instead of just bossing them around. Goes a long way,” another added.”

chores for kids

“I love this. It really TEACHES instead of just bossing them around."

Photo credit: Canva

Kelly’s “Notice and Do” list obviously isn’t a fix-all, but the fact that it’s creating awareness around labor which so often goes unnoticed is such a game changer. Think about how different our society might be if this mindset skill was as commonly taught as the alphabet or time tables.

Thankfully, Kelly did make it easy to teach kids with a free guide, which you can check out here.

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Father of 3 shares what he learned about his wife’s ‘mental load’ after she left for 8 days

"I had no idea it felt like this."

Image credits: @ced/Instagram (used with permission)

Even involved dads aren't always fully aware of how much their wives manage mentally.

Parents today share responsibilities more equally than in past generations, but studies show childcare still falls disproportionately on women's shoulders. Some families choose one parent to take on the lion's share of childrearing and/or domestic duties, and if that works, great. Other couples work similar hours and have to figure out how to equally split home duties, but however the household is structured, mothers most often tend to be the "default parent" and household manager.

That means it's mostly moms that are constantly thinking about managing the million little details of parenting. The big things like feeding, bathing, transporting, teaching life lessons and such are fairly easy to share equitably. But the invisible work—keeping track of routine doctor and dentist appointments, communicating with teachers can caregivers, keeping extended family updated, figuring out what clothes to keep and get rid of as kids outgrow them, keeping the family calendar up-to-date, etc.—that's all part of the "mental load" of parenting that moms tend to carry, often without their partners even being aware they're doing it.

via GIPHY

That's why one dad's confession after getting a taste of solo parenting has gotten a huge reaction. Cedric Thompson, Jr., a former NFL player and dad of three daughters, shared a video explaining that he didn't really understand the mental load his wife was carrying until she went to visit family in the Philippines for eight days, leaving him home alone with the kids.

"I've been a single dad for 8 days because my wife is in the Philippines and I had no idea it was this tough," he said with a sleeping child cradled in his arms. He explained that he was prepared for the cleaning, the transporting kids back and forth, the unexpected sickness, the feeding, and the sleeping. "But one thing I was not prepared for was the mental load," he said. "I had no idea it felt like this. To think about things that need to be done that haven't been done or things that I need to plan to do is so draining that I don't even have the energy to take care of myself at all."

This is why dads need to step into moms' shoes once in a while

"And now that I understand this, I have so much empathy for my wife," he said, "and I truly understand what she means by this 'mental load' and how draining it is. This has really opened my eyes and made me ask myself, what more can I be doing? What has been going on that I haven't been seeing and it's right in front of me? How can I step up the way that my wife needs me to instead of doing things that I think are helping?"

"I know I can't always take the mental load away, but I can definitely make it lighter."

There's a significant difference between assisting and managing, and when you're the sole parent for a while, you're forced to take on the management role. Eight days isn't very long, but it's enough to get a taste of being the one who to think about all the things all day. It's a lot. As Thompson wrote in the caption, "The endless planning, remembering, and organizing is exhausting in ways I never understood before. The most profound lessons come when we walk in someone else’s shoes, even if just for a little while."

Some people asked what he's been doing this whole time when his wife is home, but it seems some of those folks might be missing the point. This is an involved dad and husband, not a slouch. But even those who want to and try to share the load equally don't always know how to help with the mental load of the default parent because it's mostly internal. And trying to explain it and figuring out how to ask for help with some of it just adds more work, not to mention we don't even always know ourselves what we need help with. Stepping into the shoes of the default parent is really the best way to get a feel for what might be helpful without adding more to their plate.

via GIPHY

The "mental load" is invisible, so it's nice to have it seen and validated

Some commenters weighed in with thoughts and tips for lightening the mental load;

"Pro tip: when your wife asks you what she should make for dinner, she’s trying to share the mental load with you. So just give her a straightforward answer."

"I love this…it’s called validation, empathy, and love🥰 Thank you for sharing this. The realization and verbalization of it makes the load lighter. Sometimes mental heaviness is worse than the physical."

"Really appreciate this post and how you explained yourself. The ‘mental load’ is that never-ending list running through our minds every single minute of the day. It’s the constant inner monologue of everything that needs to get done, the overwhelming pressure of how to get it all done, and the invisible timeline that gives you anxiety when you don’t meet it—even though you set those standards yourself.

It’s the feeling of failing if you don’t check every box. Walking into a room and forgetting why you’re there, only to lose your mind later when you finally remember—but now you’ve got ten other tasks at hand. It’s the frustration when you realize that everything you just cleaned is already dirty again.

Sometimes, it’s not even about what men do or don’t do; it’s the weight of our own thoughts that get to us. But when someone helps lighten that load, even just a little, it means everything."

"I love this. But to answer your question, the way you take the mental load away is you pretend you have to do it alone even when she comes back. Because that’s the reason she has mental load. Because she feels like she has to do most of it alone, even if you’re always there to “help”. That’s why I hate the word help. It implies that this is all her job. You’re doing well but keep digging deeper 💗 I do appreciate this post."

via GIPHY

What exactly does the parental "mental load" entail? Here's a partial list.

And yes, there is a need to go deeper. As one commenter pointed out, "You are operating the day to day under a structure she put in place," so a lot of the mental work was already done before she even left. And parenting is a marathon, not a sprint, so getting familiar with a specific list of "mental load" items that non-default parents might not think about can be helpful. Someone offered this helpful—if utterly daunting—list of some of those items:

Planning teacher gifts for the holidays and the end of school. - getting that parent’s contact info for that play date. - researching, budgeting, and scheduling summer activities and when to sign up for them the January/Feb prior. - finding that in network pediatric ophthalmologist for an eye appt. Research that new dentist, schedule your kids vaccines, review the medical records, schedule that well child visit. - researching, scheduling, and budgeting the school and extracurricular schedule in the summer for the fall and in October for the winter/spring. - making time to be the family historian (researching, budgeting, and scheduling a family photographer 2 times a year, researching how to pick/buy outfits for the whole family, selecting and printing any prints, creating and ordering a photo book, organizing photo files, and physically organizing keepsake storage).

Teaching your kids about their heritage with activities. Research your family tree. - be the memory maker and plan fun activities for the family. Book those theater tickets, schedule that museum trip, plan that day trip to hike that waterfall, plan that vacation, schedule 3 farm trips a year, prep for activities leading up to the holidays. - 4 times a year audit your household belongings. What do you need to sell? What do you need to donate? What remaining needs a better storage system? Research the products that will help you stay organized and buy them. follow home organizers on social media. - Check your kids shoes. How are they fitting? Research and order/consign new clothing. - trim your kids nails once a week and cut their hair as needed (or schedule their hair appt). - plan your kids birthday party 2 months in advance, research activities, food, party favors, and decor ideas. create the invites and send them out 5 weeks in advance. 2 weeks in advance order the cupcakes, decor, party outfit, and gift wrapping.

Check in with guests food allergies, rsvps, and buy the gifts. 1 week in advance wrap the gifts, assemble the party favors, and take some cute photos of the birthday kid in their special outfit. Pack a bin of supplies you’ll need for the day of the party (scissors, wire and cutters, tape, paper goods, trash bags, matches, etc). - buy those tickets to your kids concert. - keep that first aid kit stocked up. - keep up weekly with school/teacher correspondence and volunteer at your kids school. - back to school shopping. - holiday planning.

Buy Halloween costumes at the end of September, plan a pumpkin farm day trip. Schedule any Halloween parties. The weekend before carve pumpkins. Take pictures day of. Buy nutcracker tix in October/ November, plan gifts, budget, and order. Research decor ideas, get desired supplies, and make them in Nov. meal plan and coordinate with family for thanksgiving. Set up decor and buy gifts, Christmas outfits, and wrapping supplies Black Friday. Wrap gifts, take kids out separately to pick out presents for their siblings. Research and schedule holiday outings as a family. Take pictures. Design, order, and send cards. Meal plan. Coordinate with the relatives.

Buy valentines cards for your kids class at the end of Jan. - talk to your kids about safety and abuse prevention 2-6 times a year in addition to “as needed”. - read the latest parenting books, listen to parenting podcasts, follow parenting accounts on social media. - plan kids craft projects. - take your kids to the library and keep up with the borrowed books. rsvp, order, and wrap a birthday gift for all the kid birthday parties. Write a nice note in a card about the child. - write thank you notes after birthdays, end of school, end of activities, after the holidays, and as needed."

There you go. Not even an exhaustive list, but a solid start. Thanks to Ced for the reminder that more we start putting ourselves on other people's shoes as parents and partners, the better off the whole family will be.

You can follow Ced on Instagram here.

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