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Modern Families

Family

People who choose to be child-free are just as happy at 70 as those with kids, study finds

What about all the regret they were supposed to feel?

via Jens Lindner/Unsplash

A woman looking content with her child-free life.

Every couple that has ever considered being child-free has had to deal with people who have children telling them they will regret their decision. They're often told that they’ll be lonely when they get older and never understand the joy and fulfillment of having a child.

Even though there is so much pressure for couples to have kids, more and more people are deciding to live child-free lives. A recent study found that 47% of adults under 50 without kids say they're unlikely to have them — up 10 percentage points from 2018.

There are many different reasons why people don’t want to have kids, whether it’s affordability, the state of the world and the environment, or they just don’t feel like it. The child-free movement gets even stronger as people get younger.

Sixty-seven percent of young women and 50% of young men say they just don’t want children. So, are all of these people setting themselves up for a lifetime of regret because they choose not to have kids? A recent study out of Michigan says no, they probably won’t.

The Institute for Public Policy and Social Research at Michigan State University studied 1,000 Michiganders, asking whether they have or want children. The study separated those who wish to be child-free from those who want children but can’t have them.

The study found that by the time people reach the age of 70, people who have children and those who decided not to are just as satisfied with their lives.

child-free, no kids, childrenA couple enjoying coffeevia MART PRODUCTION/Pexels

“Childfree people, especially women, are often told they’ll be dissatisfied with life or regret their decision later,” Jennifer Watling Neal, one of the study’s authors, told PsyPost. “In this study, we compared how much adults age 70 and older said they’d want to change something about their life — in other words, whether they had any regrets about how their life had gone. We didn’t see any difference between child-free people and parents. This suggests that child-free people are similar to others in terms of life satisfaction and often don’t regret their decision later.”

The researchers found that child-free people may be happier than those with kids.“In fact, older parents were slightly more likely to want to change something about their life,” Neal said in a statement.

The study was conducted on 1,000 people; times change and everyone’s experience is different, so there’s no telling who will or will not have regrets about their decision to have children. But the study should bring some peace of mind to those who are tired of hearing that they may regret their choice to be child-free, whether from friends, family or the little voice in their heads.

The discussion also raises a deeper question: How do we create a society where people are excited about having children? What changes could be made to make it affordable for people to have families? How can we create a brighter future so that parents can feel confident that the children born today will be able to thrive as adults?

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Family

'Trapped' wife who married a 'mama's boy' gets 10 helpful pieces of advice on how to move on

“I'm now learning what weaponized incompetence is.”

via Timur Weber/Pexels

A wife can no longer take her husband's laziness.

A woman on Reddit is sharing a problem that far too many women experience: being married to a man who won’t do his fair share around the house. But this woman, who goes by the user name Fantastic_Guess1918, 28, appears to be in an extreme situation. Her husband, 33, does absolutely nothing and hasn’t worked in over a year.

She says the big problem is that he’s a “mama’s boy” who never had any responsibilities growing up and hasn’t taken on any as an adult. His mother owns a business and created a position he’s had since 16, but he never goes to work and still gets paid.

Even though he doesn’t bother going to work, the wife still takes on 100% of the domestic responsibilities in the home. She was so frustrated that she asked for help on the Relationship Advice forum.

“My husband and I have been married for 10+ years and I'm now learning what weaponized incompetence is,” she opens her story, referencing a passive-aggressive tactic people use to avoid responsibility. He also lives like a slob, making Mountain Dew pyramids on the side of the bed and throwing rotten food down the sink, even though they don’t have a garbage disposal.

“I was young and naive when we got married and assumed that he would grow up. That he would share the housework and not leave me with literally everything,” she continued. “I honestly didn't even expect 50/50. I would have taken 90% if he'd just do 10%. He did nothing. I mean NOTHING. I didn't want to put up with it and I tried my hardest not to. We argued about it all the time.”


lazy men, weaponized incompetance, mama's boyA wife can no longer take her husband's laziness. via Timur Weber/Pexels

To make things worse, Fantastic_Guess1918 has severe depression which makes keeping up with household duties even more difficult. She hopes to one day have two children, but those dreams have been dashed because she is already raising a childish husband.

The situation got so bad she gave an “empty threat” of divorce, and he did the dishes. “I was in shock, the first thing he's done. Immediately afterward my rocky confidence in his ability to change was shattered more when he approached me and wanted PRAISE for cleaning the dishes,” Fantastic_Guess1918 wrote.

“I just feel like I'm in such a bad place now, and I feel completely trapped,” she told the Relationship Advice forum. ”I don't want to leave; I just want things to be better. I want him to hear me. I want him to care about how stressed I constantly am.”

The good news is that the forum posters gave her some very good advice, although it probably wasn’t exactly what she wanted to hear.

1. Get a divorce

"I can't even begin to tell you how many women I've known in situations like this (it's literally in the triple digits). Absolutely NONE of those men EVER changed. If anything, they just got worse the longer their atrocious lack of effort was enabled/put up with."

"It's easier to dump a mama's boy than to divorce a mama's boy, and both are easier than trying to change a mama's boy."

2. You're choosing this

"You are choosing this life by staying. You are choosing to be stressed out by a partner who doesn’t care about you. He’s never had to care about or take care of anything or anyone. Why would he magically start now? Because you want him to? People don’t change just because we want them to; they change when THEY want to."

3. Get a job

“The ability to leave is to negotiate from strength with a partner. As long as you sit there saying 'I have nowhere to go!' you are giving him all the power. Open a private account, put your pay there.”

4. Reframe the narrative

“It helps to keep this perspective: you're not trapped, you're in planning mode. Once you start making a plan for your escape, you will feel FAR less trapped. It doesn't matter if that plan takes 1 year, 2 years or 3 years. You can come up with a plan that will allow you to leave your husband eventually.”

5. Stop working for him

“If he constantly leaves junk around the house, buy a big container and just drop all of errant junk into that container. If he doesn't cook or do laundry, only cook or do laundry for yourself. You can even buy yourself a locking mini fridge and keep your leftovers and groceries in that fridge so he doesn't benefit from your labor.”

“Find ways so his mess can remain his problem — even if that just means constantly putting his junk in the trash when he refuses to pick it up. Be petty with it (you've earned it) and have fun!”


lazy men, weaponized incompetance, mama's boyA wife can no longer take her husband's laziness.via Timur Weber/Pexels

6. Get a housekeeper

"Have him pay for a maid to do his half of the work and stop arguing about it. That’s the only way to continue the marriage. If he has 'don’t go to work for a year' money, he has housekeeper money."

7. Men don't grow up

"My dad told me something that made a huge impact on me. He said that men don’t 'grow up' and don’t 'mature.' They are who they are whether they’re 5, 15, or 55. That’s who they are and that's who they are always going to be."

8. Depression lies to you

"You are not trapped, that’s just the lie your depression tells you. You have the power to break free, you just don’t believe in yourself."

9. Get a support system

"Do you have a therapist, etc? You need someone to talk to about these issues! There are so many concerns you have implied may exist, but not delineated. Do you not have any kind of support system? Parents, siblings, old friends, other relatives? If not, it’s time for you to put on your big girl panties and get a life. You need to make a life for yourself! That includes a job, money management, housing, etc. This balloon you are living within is about to pop."

10. He was made that way

"The way your husband's mommy makes excuses for him and treats him like a baby is how so many momma's boys are raised. Mom Boys are raising defective men ON PURPOSE. Because they don’t want to be 'abandoned.' Do not be with a momma’s boy!! Look out for yourself."

Even though the woman said she didn’t want to leave her husband and only wanted him to understand her situation, she was given a lot of hard truths about her marriage. She is fighting an uphill battle trying to turn her husband into a responsible man when he was raised to let the women in his life do everything for him. So, the good news is that even though she may not want to leave him, she received a lot of practical advice on gaining independence from him so she can at least forge her own path instead of being dependent on a man who gives little in return.

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Modern Families

People are shocked after wife shares the simple joy of just  hanging at home with her husband

Sometimes there's no better date night than just cuddling on the couch.

@them_yangs/TikTok

Find yourself someone who you can hang out on the couch with form time to time.

As any couples therapist will tell you, continuing to go out on dates with our spouses is of course crucial in a marriage. But those lowkey nights of cuddling on the couch and just peacefully coexisting with one another is just as important, and just as rewarding.

This specific kind of domestic bliss was recently captured perfectly by a married woman who goes by @them_yangs on TikTok. In her video, she and her husband are wrapped up in a blanket—her with a glass of wine and a tablet for reading, him looking intently at a TV screen while playing a video game. Each perfectly content to just hang out with one another.

This was something that the woman’s friend apparently could not comprehend.

“I told my friend the other night I couldn’t go out with her because I was hanging out with my husband,” she explained. “And honestly she was confused. She was like ‘Oh, you’re going on a date with your husband?’ And I said ‘No, we’re just hanging out. I’m going to read, he’s going to play Zelda, we’re gonna drink wine on the couch. We’re just hanging out.’ And she could not understand the concept of hanging out with my husband. And I said ‘Don’t you hang out with your husband?’ and she said ‘No!’ and that made me sad.”


@them_yangs With her permission i share this stpry to say. I hope you like hanging out with your husband #husbandwife #booktok #couplegoals #marriedlife ♬ Full Moon - Michel Grimaldo


Though this wife’s friend couldn't fathom what made this hangout so special, other viewers certainly understood.

“Just existing with your partner doing your own things is so soothing,” one person wrote.

Another echoed, “Being able to hang out with your partner is top tier relationships goals.”

Others shared what their own version of spouse hangouts look like.

One person said, “Sometimes I sit on the phone with my sister for HOURS while we play our own games or do our own things because it’s nice to just have company and vibe even over the phone.”

A few argued for the necessity of nurturing friendship outside the marriage, too, as to not make partners the end-all, be-all relationship.

“I can hang out almost any day with my SO,” one viewer wrote. “So if a friend invited me somewhere I will go out and then hang out with SO another night.”

While that’s a fair point to make, we can’t assume that this woman doesn’t also have healthy relationships with her friends. Nor can we assume that this woman is saying that she spends every night this way. What she is saying, and what we can all take away from, is the importance of true friendship within a romantic partnership. Whether or not your partner is your best friend is probably up to personal preference. But hopefully they are a friend that you enjoy spending leisurely time with.

Couples can also take solace in the fact that date nights need not always be extravagant evenings of painting the town red. Enjoying each other’s company can take on many different forms.

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Mom shares her family's weekly 'Dadurday' tradition, and other parents are taking notes

What's not to like?

@kellyvellly/TikTok

Talk about a win-win-win for everyone involved.

Default parents need a break. Back-up parents need opportunities to bond with kids. Kids need fun weekend activities. Meeting all these separate needs might seem impossible, but one mom has shared how she and her husband make it happen.

In a video posted to her TikTok, Kelly Irene explains how implementing “Dadurdays” (cute name, right?) were a game changer. In fact, they’ve “slowly become one of the most anticipated days of the week.”

Here’s what a typical Dadurday looks like:

“Basically every Saturday ... we do this where my husband will take our toddler, and they will just go off on these little adventures together. I am not invited. This is just daddy and daughter’s special time, and they go and they have the time of their lives. They might go to the beach. or they might go to a waterfall or go on a hike. Or they might just go swimming in town, like whatever. They do whatever they want. I don't even ask. None of my business. They are going off and having the time of their lives,” Kelly says.

She goes on to say that both her husband and daughter “live for it,” since it makes up for lost time during the work week.

“When Saturday rolls around, it's his time to shine.”


@kellyvellly We looove Dadurday!! #sahmtok #dadsoftiktok #dadurday ♬ original sound - Kelly Irene


And when Dadurday is complete, their daughter is thoroughly wiped and ready for a long nap, making for a very peaceful Saturday night.

“It's just a great experience for everyone. All around. Couldn't recommend it enough. And I do recognize we only have one child. So I'm sure as our family expands, Dadurday is probably going to look a little different. It's going to evolve!” Kelly concludes.

Kelly’s family is apparently not the only one to implement this type of strategy. Soon other parents shared their own spins on Dadurdays.

“We call it Public Transportation Day because both my son and husband love the bus,” one person wrote. “They go wherever they can go on the bus or the subway and come back with stories of adventure.”

“We call it Saturdaddy,” added another.

Several dads chimed in to share how much the value getting to have Dadurdays.

“Saturdays are the day my wife sleeps in, I get up with the baby and we go to the hardware store, run errands and get doughnuts! Come home mid-morning when mom’s rested!” one commented.

Another said: “Girl dad here.. I’m totally doing this. Love it.”

And of course, just because the fun name is new, the concept has been around for a minute.

“When I was a toddler my dad took me to zoo, McDonald’s, and target for a my little pony every Friday. I’m 22 now and this was my favorite thing that I did with my dad to this day!” recalled one viewer.

As for what Kelly does during Dadurdays, she said in a follow-up video that it always changes.


@kellyvellly Replying to @Sandy how im spending #dadurday ♬ original sound - Kelly Irene


“Some days I just rot, and I don't do anything productive. I just lay around. If that's what I need — to be a potato for a day — I'll do that. But other days like today ... I'm just doing a bunch of laundry and getting packed because we leave for California in a couple days. My very best friend is getting married, so I'm just getting ready for that. It's a lot easier to do that when I'm all by myself.”

But one thing remains the same: “Dadurday is just as much for me as it is for dad.”

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