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Woman calls out double standard of baby boomer parents who begged her to have kids

You can't have it both ways.

via Canva/Photos

A stressed mother and her baby boomer parents.

There is a strange phenomenon that occurred in the 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s, when Gen Xers and older millennials were raised: their baby boomer parents were not around very much. This generation of children was often taken care of by daycares or attended school with keys strung around their necks, and when they came home, they were told not to answer the door until a parent arrived. They were the children raised during both the divorce epidemic and the time when, for many families, both parents had to work.

However, the least parented generation in American history had great relationships with their grandparents, who loved to spend time with them and take on babysitting duties. But now that the kids raised in the ‘70s, ‘80s, and '90s have children, they’re noticing something interesting: the parents who weren’t around to raise them aren’t that into being grandparents either.

There is a lot of talk about the differences between baby boomers as grandparents and their parents from the Silent Generation. Some believe it’s because baby boomers have more money than their parents, who were raised at a time when grandparents played a more significant role in child-rearing. After all, they didn't expect to travel or have busy social lives.

 baby boomers, parenting, grandparents, baby boomer grandparents, me generation A baby boomer couple.via Canva/Photos

This generation trend begs the question: Why do boomer parents beg their kids to have children, but shy away when it comes to spending time with them? An upset mother shared about the double standard on Reddit.

“My mother, a devout Christian, always preached the importance of getting married and having children. Now that I’ve done both (and happily so) and moved to be closer to her, she has very little interest in hanging out with us and never, ever offers to watch her grandkids,” she wrote. “I’ve been reading up on this, and it seems that it’s not uncommon. After moving across the country during COVID, I had dreams of my mom wanting to be an active part of our lives. The sad truth of it is, is that I see her maybe once more a year than when I lived across the country…and it’s not for lack of trying on my part.”

The post resonated with many mothers her age who had experienced the same problem. Their boomer parents begged them to have children, but they won’t lift a finger to see them.

“Yup, completely describes my boomer parents. They begged and begged for us to relocate back to my home city. Still, as we began searching for new job opportunities/places to live, we naturally discussed the possibility of them spending some alone time with the grandkids from time to time,” another mom wrote. “That was a full stop for them. Both my parents insisted they’d retired from child watching duties and would not ever be utilized as ‘babysitters.’ The only acceptable option for them was for us to be present the entirety of the time their grandkids were interacting with them.”

 baby boomers, parenting, grandparents, baby boomer grandparents, me generation, grandma, gardening A grandma in the garden. via Canva/Photos

“I think you hit the nail on the head. A lot of the boomers want to be 'seen' as 'good grandparents' while not doing a damn thing,” another mom added.

Another mom noted that their grandparents were amazing, but their parents are the exact opposite. “What’s crazy is I spent TONS of time with my grandparents as a child. I’d routinely be dropped off on the weekends and weeknights,” the mother wrote. “My grandparents picked me up from school regularly. It’s not like my grandparents were doing the same behavior, and therefore it’s a learned generational thing.”

 baby boomers, parenting, grandparents, baby boomer grandparents, me generation,  Baby boomers throwing up a peace sign. via Canva/Photos

One mother in the thread had some sympathy for baby boomers who felt a lot of pressure to have children, regardless of whether they wanted them or not. She believes that now they’re getting their time back. “It’s because even though Boomers had the physical choice to become parents, they didn’t have the cultural/social choice. Whenever I hear this story, I figure the grandparents didn’t really want children. It also explains why we were at our grandparents so often: anything they could do to not be around us, they took it up,” she wrote.

It’s wrong to paint an entire generation with the same brush, and there are, no doubt, plenty of wonderful baby boomer grandparents out there. However, it’s not surprising that a group of people once called the “Me Generation” is more reluctant to spend time with their families than those who came before them. One wonders if their feelings toward family will change when they become the ones who need to be cared for?

This article originally appeared in May.

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Modern Families

Married couple sticks it to nosy friends and relatives with viral 'announcement' prank

They got so tired of the baby question, they decided a formal announcement was in order.

Photo via Carrie Jensen/Imgur, used with permission.
One couple's perfect response to people asking when they're going to have kids.

Every couple has gotten the question at some point, especially from pesky parents and in-laws. It's a rite of passage when your relationship starts to become serious, and it only ramps up faster and faster after you get married: "When are you guys going to start having kids?"

Like many couples, Carrie Jansen and her husband Nic had heard this question a million different ways, a million different times.

The pressure really started to mount after the pair got married. While Carrie loves kids (she's an elementary school teacher, after all), she and Nic simply aren't interested in having kids of their own. Now or ever.

"It's not what I was meant for," explains Carrie in a Facebook message. "It's like, I love flowers, and everyone loves flowers. But that doesn't mean I want to grow my own. I'm perfectly happy admiring other people's gardens."

Carrie wanted to tell her family that they don't plan on having kids but knew if she did, they'd say something like, "Oh you'll change your mind one day!" and that pesky question would keep rearing its ugly head. So she decided to get creative.

Ah, yes, people who have chosen not to have kids absolutely love having their thoughtful decision immediately dismissed as silliness! Worse, there's the camp that insists they'll regret it one day, and begs the couple to reconsider.

Still, it's not an easy conversation to have with loved ones and relatives.

"We don't want kids, but if it’s Grandma asking, I won’t tell her straight up...because we don’t want to give her a heart attack," Carrie told Buzzfeed. "So usually, I’ll give her the general ‘We’ll see!’ or ‘Not this year!’”

 pregnancy, moms, motherhood, family, couples, childfree, culture, love, relationships, marriage, pets Dressed to the nines on their wedding day. Photo via Carrie Jansen, used with permission.

Rather than continue to deflect the question over and over, Carrie decided that a clear and formal announcement made sense. But how to make the announcement was another matter. How could she and Nic strike the right tone? Serious, but not morose. Firm, but playful. Final, but optimistic.

But that's not to say that the couple wasn't planning on making any big changes. In fact, they were adding another mouth to feed to the family, and they decided to announce it with a series of maternity-style photos, revealing the twist:

The new addition was a puppy named Leelu, not a baby.

"My husband and I have been married 3 years and everyone is bugging us about having a baby. Close enough right?" she captioned the photos shared to Facebook and Imgur.

 pregnancy, moms, motherhood, family, couples, childfree, culture, love, relationships, marriage, pets Look at my newborn baby... puppy. Photo via Carrie Jensen/Imgur, used with permission.

Her pictures went massively viral, with many of the commenters giving her props for hilariously addressing the dreaded "kids " question.

"If you don't want kids, don't have kids. Seriously. Have fun with each other. I had three kids early and it's all about them now," wrote one commenter.

"I wish people would just mind their business raising a kid ain't easy and cheap," wrote another.

"I got my husband a vasectomy for his birthday this year. Best gift ever," chimed in a third.

Carrie was overwhelmed and inspired by the viral response. "Having children is definitely a hot topic, and one that is evolving in this generation like so many other social issues," she says. "It's exciting to find others that feel the same way I do.”


 pregnancy, moms, motherhood, family, couples, childfree, culture, love, relationships, marriage, pets The happy, child-free couple at the beach.Photo via Carrie Jensen/Imgur, used with permission.

Carrie is hardly alone in not wanting to have kids — in fact, a record number of women are choosing not to have kids today.

Pew Research recently concluded that 47% of adults 18-49 say they're "unlikely" to ever have children, a number that has grown steadily over the years. Statistica backs this claim up, finding that 46.9% of women aged 15-50 in the United States are childless. Despite the numbers, however, because we still live in a patriarchally-driven society, women regularly face the expectation that they should be mothers, and they often are judged if they decide not to be.

When you think about it, it's pretty baffling! Child-free people are not some fringe minority. They make up about half of all adults. It should be viewed as a completely normal choice that requires no explanation or, yes, even funny gimmick announcements.

Whether you want to have one kid, five kids, no kids, or a puppy, the choice should be yours and no one else's.

There are a lot of reasons couples might choose not to have children. It could come down to the cost, the stress, the loss of freedom — or simply because they don't want to.

What's especially great about Nic and Carrie's viral post is that it went on to inspire other couples to do the same: Make cheeky announcements about puppies, their decision to go child-free, or even their vasectomies!

No one else has the right to put pressure on you to change your body and life in a drastic way. Thankfully, because of women like Carrie — and partners like Nic — who aren't afraid to bring the subject out in the open, the expectations are slowly but surely changing.

This article originally appeared nine years ago.

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Modern Families

Scientists have uncovered 7 reasons middle children are actually the best

It's time middle children got the recognition they deserve.

via Wikimedia Commons/ABC Television and Wikimedia Commons/ABC Television
Eve Plumb and Christopher Knight from "The Brady Bunch"

Stephanie Tanner, Jan Brady, Cory Matthews. Where would we be without these iconic middle children who made for such great TV in the 60s-90s? And let's not forget Malcolm in the Middle, which managed to get an entire seven-season run out of all the conflict experienced by the misunderstood and overlooked middle child.

August 12 is National Middle Child Day in America, dedicated to recognizing the sibling in the middle. It’s a special day to highlight the kids who often get lost in the familial mix while the youngest hogs all the attention and the eldest has all the responsibilities.

Elizabeth Walker founded the day in the 1980s because she thought middle children were “left out.” But we think the great traits of being the kid in the middle are worth highlighting any day of the week.

When people discuss the plight of these kids, they often bring up Middle Child Syndrome, which some say leads kids caught in the middle to feel rebellious or have a chip on their shoulder. However, at Upworthy, we like looking at the bright side of things, so we’ve made a list of the 7 traits that make middle children amazing.

1. They’re good kids

Research shows that historically, middle children have been the most behaved out of the bunch. One study in 1964 and another in 2009 found that middle children were the least likely to act out.

Middle children have been shown to be humble, honest, and agreeable. The fact that they get less attention and have a less defined role in the family can lead to high levels of independence and self-sufficiency from a young age.

 middle kids, middle children, middle child day, siblings, brother, sister, family, love, parents, parenting, adult children Stephanie Tanner: iconic middle child.  Giphy  

2. They’re wonderful team players

Middle children are the way to go if you’re building a team, whether on the field or in the office. “They become more independent, think outside the box, feel less pressure to conform, and are more empathetic,” Katrin Schumann, author of "The Secret Power of Middle Children," told Psychology Today. “This gives them great skills as employees and also makes them excellent team players and partners.”

Did you know that Michael Jordan was a middle child? To be fair, he was known to be a near-psychotic competitor and not the kindest teammate around, but he knew how to get the job done. Simone Biles was a middle child, too! Can't argue with that.

3. They are successful

Schumann also says middle children are more successful than their older and younger siblings. She notes that at least 52% of US presidents were middle children, as were Warren Buffet, Mark Zuckerberg, Jennifer Lopez, Princess Diana and the aforementioned Michael Jordan.

"When they realize how many the useful skills they've developed as a result of being in the middle, they are empowered in ways that positively influence their lives," Schumann said, according to Business Insider. The expert claims that middle children are successful because they had to vie for attention and aren't used to giving up on what they want.”

 middle kids, middle children, middle child day, siblings, brother, sister, family, love, parents, parenting, adult children Joe Jonas: the best Jonas?  Giphy  

4. They are great negotiators

Middle children must develop excellent negotiating skills because they are at a power disadvantage in the home. "When middleborns are growing up, they don't get their way because they're the biggest and they don't get their way because they're the baby who was indulged,” Catherine Salmon, PhD. told CBS News.

They learn to be clever and crafty to get what they want. They also develop a more easy-going nature when things don't go their way. They're used to being overlooked in one way or another, and don't get as bent out of shape about it as the youngest and oldest sometimes do.

5. They’re humble

Middle children have to learn humility the hard way because their birth order makes them the least important in the bunch. But even though it’s a harsh lesson, the benefits are great. “Humility can produce more happiness, positive emotions, and well-being because a person has a clearer understanding of the self,” Tiara BLain writes in a PsyD-reviewed article for Verywell Mind. “They are able to be comfortable with who they are and who they are not.”

 middle kids, middle children, middle child day, siblings, brother, sister, family, love, parents, parenting, adult children Malcoln knows the struggle intimately.  Giphy  

6. They are creative

Middle children may also be more creative because they are “trying to be different from their elder and younger sibling,” Michele Borba, Ed.D., writes. Given that the eldest and youngest naturally stand out, the middle child may have to work a bit harder to receive attention for their creativity, so they push themselves further.

It could also be that middle children get a little more alone time spent in solitude to pursue creative endeavors.

 middle kids, middle children, middle child day, siblings, brother, sister, family, love, parents, parenting, adult children Jan had a hard time getting over her jealousy of the older Marcia.  Giphy  

7. They’re likeable

Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, says middle children may be more “agreeable” and easygoing” than their siblings. “They are more extroverted, as well,” she writes. “They don’t have to lead the pack, and they don’t get the 'babying' their younger siblings do. This allows them a bit more freedom to be themselves.”

What's more is that the likability and agreeableness of middle children was found to be higher the more children a family had. So when kids get even more "lost in the shuffle" in a four or five-children household, some of these traits and phenomenon become amplified. That also means the household has multiple middle children; anyone who's not the oldest or youngest qualifies for the label.

Ultimately, we’re all individuals, so not all middle children will develop these qualities. It depends how much stock you want to put into birth order theory. Some believe that birth order plays a monumental role in your personality and the trajectory of your life. Others are more skeptical. There's no denying, however, that oldests, youngests, and middles receive different amounts and kinds of parenting due to the nature of the family hierarchy. One study showed that youngest children, for example, get 3,000 more hours of quality time with their parents during their key childhood years than other siblings. That's a massive difference!

In any case, it’s nice to take a second and heap some praise on the kids who may have felt a little neglected during childhood by letting them know that they are special, too.

Just not as special as Marsha. “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!”

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

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Modern Families

Older people get real about what it's like to move into a retirement community

"Do your homework before taking the plunge."

Image via Canva

Old people discuss what moving into a retirement community is really like.

Moving into a retirement community is a big life transition for many senior citizens. Making the choice to downsize and move into a retirement home is not an easy one that can come with many unknowns.

In an Reddit forum, member @common_grounder posed the question: "Anyone who's downsized and moved into a retirement community, what's the adjustment been like for you?"

They continued, "Has it been hard giving up your former life and belongings? Is a more simplified existence comforting to you? Has being around lots of people who are also old been a net positive or net negative?"

Older people who have made the transition into a retirement community shared their real and honest experiences for those considering making the move. These are 16 of their most informative and impactful responses:

 retirement home, retirement community, retirement living, assisted living, old people The Villages Dancing GIF by Magnolia Pictures  Giphy  

"I've been in an Independent Living Community for 2 years. I was having some health issues and I needed a place that had on duty staff. I downsized twice. My wife and I downsized from a 3 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom Apartment. My wife developed Vascular Dementia the year before the Pandemic. Eventually she went into hospice and after my 3rd hip surgery in 18 months I moved into Independent Living. My 1st year here my bride of 39 years past on from complications of the Vascular Dementia. When I first got here I participated with some of the outing and events. We get 2 meals a day and I used to do dinner with the same group daily. The Presidential election changed that. I loved the people I sat with. However I was crushed that so many of my older peers voted against their interests. I just turned 70 on D-Day. On the average I'm a "youngster" here. Before the election I constantly helped residents conquer their smartphones be it iphone or Android. Now I order lunch and dinner for me to pick up and eat alone in my apartment. I only venture out now for Dr's appointments and the occasional family outing . I guess more than any thing I miss my bride of 39 years, 44 together. I'm looking forward that my 29 year old son is getting married in August to a wonderful woman and their future looks bright. I'm grateful technology allows me to talk, text and facetime people I care about. At my age, I don't have many long time friends still on this plane of existence. Even when I downsized to this one bedroom Apartment I still have too much stuff including Heirloom China in my living room for my son that been here 2 years. Oh I almost forgot. We have a happy hour on Wednesday afternoon. I always go and get a vodka tonic and finger food. I was told by my parents to never drink alone. Do that one drink a week is me not drinking alone." —@sapotts61

"I live in a retirement community and I like it a lot. No exterior maintenance, lots of activities and amenities. Beautifully landscaped grounds and great views from my home. Being around similarly aged people is nice too. I really can’t think of a negative. But the quality of the communities vary. Do your homework before taking the plunge." —@Entire-Garage-1902

"My wife and I did it 11 years ago. We sold our 4 bedroom 3 bath 2 story house and moved into a 2 bedroom 2 bath single level house in a 55 and better community. It’s been terrific! We have a resort like pool next to the clubhouse and gym. There are tennis and pickle ball courts, gas grills, a big charcoal grill, sauna and spa. It’s a quiet, safe, well kept neighborhood with friendly neighbors." —@8amteetime

 downsizing, retirement community, retirement home, moving out, downsize GIF by Stellify Media  Giphy  

"One month into assisted living. I think it’s going to be fine. Just another life transition like college, being on my own, getting married, having kids, building a career, moving into a bigger showplace house, etc. Just in reverse - everything getting smaller and simpler. Downsizing has been very challenging, getting rid of so many objects that still mean something to us, but won’t mean anything to our kids, and there’s not enough space in our 950 sq ft apartment. Having the staff do all the cooking - food has been quite good! - cleaning, and managing my medications, has certainly simplified our lives. And freed up time for my wife to do things she chooses, not just things she must. Moved to a different state where we knew no one, except our sons and their families, so we’re meeting a lot of new people. Haven’t really clicked with anyone yet, but have a half dozen people we can join for meals in the dining room. Yeah, adjustment is going fine." —@dnhs47

"I (64M) wasn’t ready for it and my wife and I are moving out. I miss seeing kids and families." —@MacDaddy654321

"It's a very difficult thing. It sounds simple, correct. But it's what you make of it in your new life. I used to do warranty work for brand new modular homes. Many are doing just that...downsizing. While working, you wind up chatting with many. The stories would run the whole gamut, from ecstatic to downright miserable. My takeaway if you can afford it was maybe try a couple of years' lease/rent before committing. Sit on any s to get a feel for it first. It was quite heart-wrenching at times. Should have, could have. There's mental factors to think of. Your circle of friends may change. Someone other than you could be in charge of your property. Suddenly, there's not a whole lot you can use those tools on anymore, etc. It's a tough thing to do." —@xgrader

 elderly, senior, seniors, senior citizen, old woman Old Lady Fight GIF by BDHCollective  Giphy  

"We are UPSIZING when move to a retirement community." —@FootHikerUtah

"We upsized into a 55+ community. Sometimes I miss the age diversity with neighbors but my husband and I are 64, pretty active with previously established friendships, part time jobs, and our family. We like that there is a clubhouse with book clubs, game nights, community dinners and a lovely swimming pool. I feel like it’s a home where we can age in place for as long as possible." —@Competitive-Ice2956

"I am almost 70. I have downsized hugely. I lived in a retirement community for 4 years from 61 to 65 I hated it!" —@Direct_Ad2289

"We’ve been in an over 55 community 8 yrs. I love my little house, all on one floor, lots of storage. It’s a bit lonely when our snow bird neighbors go home for the summer, but the grocery store is less crowded. We’ve had several neighbors die recently, but that’s why they call this Gods waiting room. It’s also worrisome to see neighbors having physical or dementia like issues. We aren’t into the pool scene or golf, but we love the indoor walking track. The entertainment shows are a hassle, gotta get those tickets months in advance. We tried a few day long bus trips but their prices are way too high now. Our community is over 40 yrs old and pre 2020 we had thriving crafts, cards, wood, metal, auto, photo clubs….people in charge of those kind of drifted away during the lockdown and a lot of knowledge and organizational skills to run those programs were lost. It’s very quiet here, most neighbors keep their homes very tidy. I’m in a single family home, I have yearly membership dues but no HOA…those are running around $300 a month. We have a great Facebook page that helps us all stay connected and compare notes. All in all I have zero qualms about leaving my old life." —@Adrift715

"2/2 1400 sq ft villa. It was hard deciding what to keep and what to get rid of at first, but in the end, it was liberating. I love the fact that we can just lock the door and leave without having to worry about outside maintenance." —@RowdyRumRunner

 over 55, over 55 community, retirement, retirement community, retirement home homer simpson episode 10 GIF  Giphy  

"I’m in a 55 and over community. It’s a very active community, dances at least 2 per month, bingo on Sunday, movies on Thursday, exercise classes at least 3 per day including yoga, karaoke, cards, swimming…I could go on but you get the drift. No obligation to attend any of the activities but they are available. No meals, this is independent living. I’m really happy here, best choice I made after selling my house. Downside for some is living with rules, some people don’t like picking up after their dogs or speed limits or whatever, my place isn’t super controlling but any rules are too much for some people." —@Kitchen-Fee-5114

"I like it, being on my own I didn’t want a house with all the maintenance. I have a small apartment so I had to get rid of a lot of stuff, that can be hard but I did it. Where I live there is a lot of activities if you are interested, but it’s independent living and some people like that and some don’t. I have made friends, play cards and always have something to do if I’m bored. One of the things you don’t think of is that you meet people and then they die. That is something that can be hard to deal with." —@Birdy304

 aging, aging well, happy aging, getting old, old people Aging Golden Girls GIF by All Better  Giphy  

"I upsized when I moved to a retirement community - my Manhattan apartment was 440 square feet, and my car was in a garage two miles away. Here in Connecticut, I've got 1500 square feet plus a basement and garage. I've got more stuff than ever." —@vinyl1earthlink

"We downsized from our home we lived in for 35 years to a tiny home (399 sq ft) three years ago. While the community is not age restricted, 95% of the people are retired and at least 65. We live on a lake so I get to fish as much as I want. Wife enjoys a bunch of activities such as water aerobics, arts and crafts and dancing. We travel the park in a golf cart. It’s takes minutes to get from one activity to the next. Overall we love it." —@Dicedlr711vegas

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