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Modern Families

Brain scans show that grandmas connect with their grandkids better than their own children

Was your mom hard on you, but spoils her grandkids? There's an evolutionary reason behind it.

via PixaBay

A grandmother and grandchild share a special evolutionary bond.

It can be annoying, as a parent, when your own mom or dad who was super hard on you growing up, dotes and fawns all over their grandchildren. Something about becoming a grandparent turns even the hardest of souls into a big old softy. And, as rejected as it can sometimes make grown-ups feel, it turns out there might be a good reason for this phenomenon — especially in women. It's called the "grandmother effect."

For the past 55 years, scientists have theorized that a major reason why humans live so much longer past their reproductive years than other species is because of grandmothers. The "grandmother effect," as it's known, postulates that in hunter-gatherer societies, grandmothers played a vital role in finding food and raising children. In fact, the grandmother's role was so important that it had a huge impact on whether or not children survived.

 grandmas, evolution, grandma effect, grandmother effect, grandparents, parenting, family, love, kids, children Grandmas played a key role in the survival of early society families.  Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash  

"By relieving a mother of some of her child-raising responsibilities, so the thinking goes, grandmothers make it easier for their daughters to have more children and also make it possible for those children to have longer lives by helping them during the difficult early years of life," Haider J. Warraich writes in Stat. Two studies further this hypothesis by showing the important roles that grandmothers have in the survival of their grandchildren. A study of birth and death records in Finland for individuals born between 1731 and 1890 found that having a maternal grandmother between the ages of 50 and 75 increased a child's survival rate.

Another study found that proximity to grandmother matters, too. The shorter the distance between grandmother and grandchild, the more involved the grandmother can be and the more benefits that accrue to her daughter and grandchildren.

In others words, grandmothers in early societies weren't just laying around like Charlie Bucket's grannies in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. They were actively involved in lightening the childcare load, which benefitted just about everyone in the family.

The grandmother effect could be a major reason why a new study shows that grandmothers may feel a closer emotional bond to their grandchildren than their own offspring.

A study by James Rilling of Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia published in "The Royal Society" measured brain function in 50 grandmothers with at least one biological grandchild between 3 and 12 years old.

 grandmas, evolution, grandma effect, grandmother effect, grandparents, parenting, family, love, kids, children Give grandma a break if she can't stop loving on the kids.  Photo by 𝔥𝔦𝔩𝔩𝔞𝔯𝔶 𝔭𝔢𝔯𝔞𝔩𝔱𝔞 on Unsplash  

Grandmothers were shown photos of their grandchild, an unknown child, an unknown adult and the same-sex parent of the grandchild. The study found that when a grandmother saw a photo of their grandchild it activated parts of their brain associated with emotional empathy and movement.

When the grandmothers saw a photo of their adult child, it activated areas of the brain associated with cognitive empathy. So, to put it simply, when shown the pictures, the grandmothers were attempting to emotionally empathize with their grandchildren while trying to cognitively understand what their adult children were thinking.

That emotional empathy is extremely powerful and visceral. Cognitive empathy is useful, but is one layer removed. You can logically understand what someone is thinking or feeling without actually feeling it yourself. Emotional empathy is much more involved and tangible.

"That suggests that grandmothers are geared toward feeling what their grandchildren are feeling when they interact with them," Rilling said in an Emory news article. "If their grandchild is smiling, they're feeling the child's joy. And if their grandchild is crying, they're feeling the child's pain and distress."

Given the importance of the grandmother effect, it's no surprise that our grandmothers seem to be hardwired to love us in the deepest way possible. Science shows that without this incredible bond, humans may not have made it this far. Conversely, it also shows that without having such an important role in their post-reproductive years, our grandparents may not have evolved to live so long.

  - YouTube  www.youtube.com  

In the end, the relationship appears to be symbiotic. Grandmothers promote the survival of a child who one day may grow up to be a grandparent and live longer because they have such an important role in the life of their grandchild.

So if your mom was a tough cookie growing up but suddenly seems to be all sugar and gumdrops when the grandbabies are around, don't take it personally. It's embedded in her DNA to love and care for them. Without the responsibility of being the primary caregiver (who are usually just trying to survive the day to day), grandmothers are free to spoil, snuggle, and connect with their grandkids in a way sometimes they never could with their own children. It's a natural process, and ultimately a good thing. If you're lucky enough to have an involved grandma, the science says you should consider yourself lucky!

This article originally appeared four years ago. It has been updated.

Viral argument over Mother's Day may have simple solution.

In the weeks leading up to Mother's Day, there have been several viral posts on social media about who Mother's Day actually belongs to. A younger mom started an intense debate when she posted a video saying that the holiday should only be celebrated by the young moms currently in the trenches. The woman doesn't believe that people should be required to spend the day with the "grandmas."

Clearly this stance caused a few feathers to be ruffled with older moms who might happen to be grandparents. There were arguments saying that moms don't stop being moms because their children are grown, so they too deserve to be celebrated. But through the comments of different posts making their points, a theme seemed to be developing.

There was an expectation of how things should be, whether it came from the older moms or the younger moms. There also seemed to be a lack of boundaries and clear communication. These are all things that can lead to misunderstandings and resentment.


On both sides of this viral disagreement are differing expectations. Younger moms are expecting to have a chance to be pampered while some may also be assuming their mothers and mother-in-laws are expecting the same, or at the very least expecting their adult children to visit them. Older moms are expecting recognition for the special day and some may also be expecting to be doted on by their adult children and grandchildren. Either way, both seem to be expressing unspoken and un-agreed-upon expectations.

When adult children have children, dynamics and priorities change in families. Now may be a good time to establish boundaries and new traditions around Mother's Day that better suit everyone's needs. Maybe there's no lugging multiple children from grandma to grandma on Mother's Day. That doesn't seem fun or relaxing to the mom of those grandchildren who likely just wants a break for the day.

woman in black and white striped shirt hugging girl in black and white striped shirt

Is Mother's Day for grandmothers as well?

Photo by Ekaterina Shakharova on Unsplash

Instead think about setting a boundary while still honoring the grandmothers in your life. After all, motherhood doesn't end because your children grow up. Setting a boundary around this special day can sound like, "We're staying home on Mother's Day from now on, but the kids made you crafts and I have something for you. We will drop it off on Saturday."

This sort of boundary not only takes care of the expectation of both parties, but it also allows the grandmother to feel honored. There's not always a need for big flashy gifts. Most grandmothers would be thrilled to get a flower made out of their grandchild's handprint with a short poem expressing their love written on the bottom.

woman sitting with baby on her lap surrounded with purples flower

Mothers are mothers at all stages of motherhood.

Photo by Liana Mikah on Unsplash

Some families value quality time over things, so instead of going from house to house, a new tradition can be started where your partner has a Mother's Day cookout or brunch. All the moms in the family get together in one spot and the emphasis is on the guys and kids waiting on the moms. This way moms still get to relax and grandmas still get to be included.

There's also the option of having Mother's Day festivities the weekend prior for grandmas so you don't have to feel pulled in multiple directions the day of. No matter which way you decide to go with this day dedicated to appreciating moms, make sure that you're clear with your expectations and boundaries. It's true that some people have a difficult time setting boundaries with their parents, but it's a necessary step if you want to have the kind of Mother's Day you envisioned.

This article was written by Jacalyn Wetzel, Licensed Clinical Social Worker and practicing therapist.

via Lubbock County Jail

Given the sheer number of mass shootings that have happened since the assault weapons ban ended in 2004, Americans are starting to notice when someone exhibits behaviors that could lead to committing an act of horrific violence.

According to FBI statistics, mass shooters exhibit an average of 4.7 examples of "concerning behavior" before their attacks. These include: mental health issues, interpersonal problems, suicidal ideation, discussing an attack, poor work performance, threats or confrontations.


Mass shooters also had, on average, 3.6 stressors, which include: mental health, financial strain, job-related problems, conflicts with friends/peers, mental problems, and drug/alcohol abuse.

RELATED: Trump blames 'The Media' for mass violence. That's not just utter bullsh*t—it's dangerous

A grandmother in Lubbock, Texas noticed her grandson, 19-year-old William Patrick Williams, was exhibiting signs of committing a horrific massacre and averted the tragedy by getting him help.

According to the U.S. Attorney's Office of the Northern District of Texas, in July, Williams told his grandmother he had purchased an AK-47 and planned to "shoot up" a hotel and then take his own life.

After hearing Williams' plans, his grandmother convinced him to go to the hospital to get mental help.

AK-47via brian.ch / Flickr

While Williams was in treatment, police searched his hotel room and found an AK-47, 17 magazines, multiple knives, a black shirt that said "Let 'Em Come," and a black trench coat.

RELATED: These gun owners support stricter gun control for amazing reasons we all need to hear

It was later discovered that Williams allegedly lied on the paperwork he filled out to purchase the weapon. He was arrested on Thursday, August 1 by the the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives and the FBI for making false statements to a firearms dealer. He could face up to five years in prison.

"This was a tragedy averted," U.S. Attorney Nealy Cox told NBC News. "I want to praise the defendant's grandmother, who saved lives by interrupting this plot."

Williams' grandmother saved countless lives, including that of her grandson, by seeing the warning signs and taking action.

While lawmakers fail to pass common sense gun laws that can reduce the number of mass shootings, the best way we can prevent these tragedies is to be vigilant like Williams grandmother — know the red flags and if you see something, say something.

For those of us lucky enough to have grandmas (and grandpas!), we know they can be a blessing.

Grandparents can be sources of wisdom, comfort, or joy. Not to mention that many of us actually grew up with our grandparents — family doesn't just mean a mom and dad raising kids. We're a lot more diverse than that.

In fact, the percentage of kids living in households run by a grandparent has more than doubled from about 3% in the 1970s to about 7% now — that's more than 5 million grandkids, as of 2012, getting the care they need.


So I think it's fair to say we're really lucky to have grandparents.

You know who else is really lucky to have a grandma? This little guy.

Turns out that elephant grandmas are very important too!

Elephants often live in large families made up of babies, juveniles, and females. They're often led by the oldest of these females, which often have a really important social role in their families.

Professor Phyllis Lee wanted to know more about how these families worked. And in her research, she found something surprising — having a grandma made a huge difference in whether a new baby survived.

"It was an unexpected finding for us," said Lee. "We didn't think we'd find that very positive relationship between having a grandmother present and how well the daughters were doing in terms of reproduction."

Only a handful of animals — mostly humans and other primates, whales, and elephants — get to have grandmas.

For most animals, living and having babies are tied together; you basically only stop having babies when you die. This makes animals like elephants, which can live long after they're done reproducing, pretty rare.

Part of the reason elephants are special comes from the fact that they live so long. They can live up to 70 years! Many other animals simply don't live long enough to really see their children's children. 

But even if they do, other animals don't necessarily have any significant bond to the kid. You don't see millipede grandmas, for example. 

In fact, in many species, the mom and grandmother will end up fighting each other for resources if they're in the same area. But not in elephants. 

"Elephants are really nice and supportive," said Lee. 

(By the way, sorry Grandpa, but there aren't really any male equivalents here. Male elephants tend to go off on their own after they reach puberty. And though they can live long enough to see their children's children, they don't really have a family role. Which, when you think about it, just makes human grandpas even more special.)

It's not unusual for the entire herd to help raise a new baby, even if it's not directly related to them. Image from Brenda/Flickr.

What do elephant grandmas do for their families?

Elephant grandmas help protect the baby, keep track of it, and help it if it gets stuck. 

Grandmas are also often the boss of the family, too. They can lead the family to the right places to forage or drink or lead the way when interacting with other elephant families.

Knowing where to find water can be really important on the savanna. Image from ninara/Flickr.

Part of what made Lee's study special was the place they worked and the sheer amount of data they used.

Lee looked at data from more than 800 individual elephants in Kenya's Amboseli National Park. Researchers have been watching elephants in Amboseli for more than four decades

That's the kind of records you need when you study an animal that can live as long as a human. 

"We're only halfway there, we need another 40 years of data," said Lee. 

Her work is also interesting because it could give us hints about our own species – like why we go through menopause, for example. It was published in Springer's journal Behavioral Ecology and Sociobiology.

Animals can have families just as complex and diverse as our own.

Next time you meet someone who grew up with their grandma, let them know that they're like an elephant. 

All of this makes me want to give a certain someone a hug.