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default parent

A woman holding back her laughter.

One of the biggest topics in parenting these days is the mental and physical drain that comes with being the default parent in a family. The default parent is the one who is first in line when it comes to taking responsibility for parenting duties, whether that means making doctor’s appointments, ensuring the homework is done, or making sure the child has enough socks to make it through the week.

Being the default parent can lead to fatigue and burnout, and the parent can experience incredible anxiety when their attention turns away from the household or family. The situation is even worse when the default parent’s partner only does the bare minimum. Unfortunately, in American society, fathers are often the parents who do just enough to get by and are praised for it.

The notion that men don’t have to pull their equal weight in American family life is so ingrained that when Emma Hughes, a travel nanny with over one year of experience in childcare and family support, visited Sweden for two weeks, she experienced extreme culture shock.


"I've been in Sweden now and I think I've been ruined for American men," the 24-year-old said in a viral Instagram video. "Specifically raising a child with an American man in America, because these Scandinavian dads? Chef's kiss …"

"I'm actually embarrassed to talk about this because all of the observations that I've made have really revealed to me how deeply ingrained [expletive] dads have become like in my brain, and it's just like the default,” she continued.

The notion that fathers only have to do the bare minimum was so ingrained in Hughes’ psyche that she couldn’t understand seeing so many involved fathers in Sweden.

sweden, swedish dad, swedish fathers, soccer, swedish childA dad playing soccer with his child.via Canva/Photos

"When I see more dads pushing their strollers in the park on a Saturday morning than moms, what does my brain think … That's weird, there is something abnormal about that,” Hughes said. “When I see dads at the grocery store with their kids. When I see dads out at restaurants or in public. It is so deeply telling of a lot of subconscious stuff that I have going on in my brain after working with so many families."

She said that even the best dads she's worked with in America would be considered the "Scandinavian bare minimum." She applauded one Swedish father who purchased a new size of diapers for his baby without being told to do so by his partner.

swedes, swedish couple, scandanavia, swedish flag, happy swedesA couple holding up the Swedish flag.via Canva/Photos

"Like I watched a Swedish dad go to the grocery store and come home with like four bags of groceries and in that trip he had bought size two diapers for a baby that had previously been wearing size one and was ready to move into size two but that conversation had not happened between the mom and the dad,” she said.

Given Swedish dads' dedication towards their parenting responsibilities, it’s fair to assume that their partners are much happier and stress-free than those in the States. But what about their kids? Researchers at the United Nations who studied “child well-being in rich countries” found that Swedish fathers also ranked high by their children. The survey asked children in 28 countries if it was easy to talk to their dads, and while 67% of children in the study said their parents were easy to talk to, Swedish fathers scored higher at 72.4%. Meanwhile, the U.S ranked 25, out of 28, at just 59.7%.

sweden, swedish dad, swedish fathers, swedish child, dad reading note, A Swedish dad reading a note. via Canva/Photos

Ultimately, Hughes makes an important point that Scandinavian men have set a high bar for being fathers and that American men need to step up. The positive sign is that in America, the discussion around default parenting has been getting louder and louder, and hopefully, that will prompt more American men and women to set higher expectations so that one day, American men can catch Sweden’s.

If you don't know what the "default parent" it is, it probably isn't you.

Kids, man. I'm not sure of the scientific way audacity is distributed, but kids have a lot of it and somehow manage to make it cute. That audacity overload is especially interesting when you're the default parent—you know, the parent kids go to for literally everything as if there's not another fully capable adult in the house. Chances are if your children haven't sought you out while you were taking a shower so you could open up a pack of fruit snacks, then you're not the default parental unit.

One parent captured exactly what it's like to be the default parent and shared it to TikTok, where the video has over 4 million views. Toniann Marchese went on a quick grocery run and *gasp* did not inform her children. Don't fret though, they're modern kids who know how to use modern means to get much-needed answers when mom is nowhere to be found. They went outside and rang the doorbell.

Back when we were children, this would've done nothing but make the dogs bark, but for Marchese's kids, who are 3 and 6 years old, it's as good as a phone call.


You may be questioning why this mom left her two young children home alone. She didn't. Their father was home, likely wondering why the children were playing so quietly. But. He. Was. Right. There. And the kids still bypassed him to talk to their mom through the Ring doorbell camera. It was pressing business, after all.

"My tablet is dead," the 3-year-old said.

The kids ignored Marchese's questions about where their dad was and continued to complain about their tablets. The entire situation is enough to make any default parent chuckle and maybe sob a little.

Watch the urgent doorbell call below:

@tinyann22

Moms can never get a minute of peace lol #momsoftiktok #momlife #ring #camera #kidsoftiktok

And if you're skeptical that dad was within shouting distance, the mom of two uploaded a part two where dad comes into the frame.

@tinyann22

Replying to @iustmerlp part 2… daddy was found! Lol #kidsoftiktok #momsoftiktok #parentsoftiktok #fyp #ring #prioritiesfirst

While we got a cute couple of videos out of it, being the default parent is a very real syndrome and can be exhausting. To help you handle (and eventually break out) of the role, Psychology Today offers some insight and solutions that will help you feel less alone.

This article originally appeared two years ago.

Family

Video of husband realizing his wife's stocking went unfilled for 10 years has moms talking

What was meant as a joke felt all too real to moms responsible for creating holiday magic.

@whataboutaub/TikTok

It took ten years for a husband to realize his wife received and empty stocking every year

Back in 2021, wife and mom Aubree Jones posted a video to her TikTok that she thought would provide a relatable chuckle among other moms.

Instead, other moms found it heartbreaking.

In the clip, titled “PSA for husbands everywhere,” Aubree’s husband, Josh, is filming their family unwrapping presents on Christmas morning. He goes around to each of the family members’ stockings, until he comes upon an empty one.

“Whose is this?” Josh asks. “Is this an extra one?”

Aubree answers, “No, that’s mine,” with a smile.


Josh then asks why the stocking is empty, to which Aubree quips, “I don’t know. Santa didn’t come for me.”

“It took him 10 years to notice it’s been empty this whole time,” Aubree captioned, adding, “your wife’s stocking is your responsibility."

Considering Aubree meant for the video to be a “lighthearted thing to show what moms go through," as she told TODAY.com, she was totally taken aback by the visceral, negative reactions to it.

Many noted it wasn’t just Josh’s act of forgetting to fill his wife’s stocking that was hurtful, but then simply laughing it off after realizing the neglect.


“She laughs. But I knew inside it hurt,”the top comment read.

Another person wrote, “all of us women felt that in our stomach. It hurt.”

@whataboutaub It took him 10 years to notice it’s been empty this whole time. @Josh Jones #marriedlife #marriage #husbandsoftiktok #fail #ohno #christmas #psa #pregnant ♬ Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree - Brenda Lee

Here are a few more:

“I got a bit teary.. you can tell there is some pain behind the ‘that’s mine.’”

"The little girl in her felt so left out."

“Not just the lack of gifts. The lack of thought…”

“Believe me, she wanted to cry, not laugh.”

"This is a good example that mom does all the stuff and nobody notices."

"I would’ve been divorced.

"This literally broke my heart."

Though Aubree assured TODAY.com that her marriage dynamic was nowhere near as unhealthy as the video made it seem (she even went so far so to send a follow-up video showing how he actually did give her thoughtful Christmas gifts) her video highlighted a sad reality many moms face during the holidays.

When creating all the magic of the season—the decor, the gifts, the food, the social plans, the outfits for the Christmas card, coming up with bigger and better Elf on the Shelf position etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., all the etceteras—fall solely on their shoulders, many moms are robbed of the chance to actually enjoy it themselves.

So much has changed for women in traditional marriages, but it would be naive to think that there aren’t still ways that moms are often expected to pull off herculean feats in order for their families to enjoy the fruits of their labor, all the while juggling multiple other responsibilities, and still not fully being seen.

Still, we can find some hope in making Christmas as magical for moms as they make it for us. Some moms, like the Moms of Tampa, have made it their mission to share health co-parenting tips and skills to advocate for parents who may be forgotten in the daily shuffle.

If moms are moving heaven and earth to make sure their families feel loved this holiday season, let’s make sure we are doing the same for them.

two women kissing a little boy wearing glasses on his cheeksMeet the Moms of Tampa, winning hearts online while advocating for healthy co-parenting.

Instagram

This way everyone gets some Christmas joy.


This article originally appeared last year.

It's assumed that dads don't know anything about their kids.

We've come a long way toward gender equality in the past century, but there's still a lot of room for improvement, especially when it comes to shared parenting roles.

Even in households where couples try for equitable distribution of responsibilities, one parent generally ends up as the "default parent"—the one who keeps track of things like clothing sizes and routine appointments and the one people look to first when they need to ask a question. Most of the time, moms are viewed as the default parent, whether or not that's actually the reality. And on the flip side of that, dads are often assumed to be disengaged and clueless about their kids.

A story shared by a dad on Reddit who shared a story about being dismissed by doctors during an emergency room visit highlights this issue:


"Went to the emergency with my son and wife, he had an emergency food allergic reaction. Dr comes in and looks at us both and says 'Mom come out and fill this paperwork, probably know more than Dad.' While my wife was out of the room filling out paperwork a different Dr came up with a medical wristband and asked me to check if the info was correct. Before I could finish checking the spelling of his name he pulled it back stating 'I should ask mom, Dads never know.' I do know everything though."

His frustration is understandable. This is a dad who is involved, engaged and knowledgeable about his kids. It's not okay for someone to just assume he wouldn't know anything. At the same time, there's a reason for the assumption, as unjust as it feels for this father.

Medical professionals explained that dads not knowing their kids' information is a genuine problem

For responsible dads, this may be a hard pill to swallow, but according to doctors, nurses and other medical professionals, the stereotype of the clueless dad is alarmingly close to reality. A lot of dads don't know their kids' birth dates, full name spelling or important health information like allergies. In fact, some doctors shared that a surprising number of men don't even know anything about their own health history or conditions, instead relying on their wives to keep track of those things.

"I work in a medical field. I never assume the father knows nothing and I’ve met many fathers who were involved and knew all the relevant information. But I’ve also met fathers who genuinely didn’t know their kid’s birthday or when their last check up was or if they had any allergies. I’ve also met fathers who looked at me like I was mad for expecting them to know this. I’ve only ever met one mother like that."

"ER nurse here. Although it's unacceptable for them to assume dad is clueless, I understand why they do it. I can't tell you how many kids I've checked in with dad who doesn't even know their birthday, how old they are, or why they even brought them in. On the other hand, mom knows everything about the kid 99.9% of the time. That being said, I would never just dismiss dad right to his face. That's very rude."

"I guess you’d be surprised how many dads don’t know the answers to basic medical questions like DOB, allergies, height, weight. It’s super common, and yes, quite disheartening."

man looking confusedApparently a lot of dads don't know much of their kids' basic info.Photo credit: Canva

"I recently started working in healthcare and it is shocking. I expected that sort of disinterest from older, more traditional parents, but they’re my age or younger. I just falsely believed that our generation would be better about stuff like that."

"When any parent (almost always dad) doesn’t know the answer to something like a birthday or medical complaint, I don’t just laugh it off like some of my coworkers do. I want them to look me right in the eye and tell me that they don’t remember their kid’s birthday. I’m polite about it, but I’m certainly not saying 'it’s okay, don’t worry about it.' They should know."

"Same. I've also had male patients who have no clue on what's going on with themselves health wise and just straight up tell me to ask their wife.

They have zero clue on what meds they are taking, what those meds are for, what surgeries they've had in the past or why... it's like they don't think this information is important enough for them to know? So of course these guys wouldn't be able to tell you a thing about their own kids when they nothing about their own health. There are men who aren't this way of course. But too goddamn many of them have zero pertinent information in their skulls."

"The stereotype doesn't exist for no reason. I encountered so many dads who don't know their kid's DOB, social, allergies, medical history, immunizations, medications, school info, teachers, daily habits (like bedtime or diet), and so on.

Even worse they would sometimes lie or minimize rather than admit they don't know.

Sometimes they would eventually say stuff like 'Well the doctors said it's asthma but I think he just doesn't like running for sports' or 'He used to have some weird allergy thing, I don't know what it was, but it's better now' and the wife would shout 'YEAH IT'S BETTER BECAUSE HE TAKES 6 PILLS A DAY FOR IT.' I rarely encountered this behavior with mothers.

Sorry you were judged based on the actions of others. That sucks and it's not fair. Doctors have to be very pragmatic though and they will cut to the most reliable source of info, which is usually mom."

It's not just ignorant dads who perpetuate the problem.

Men definitely need to step up their game here, but that's not the only change that needs to happen. Society's low expectations and assumptions that moms are the only ones in the know also need to shift so that dads who do step up aren't fighting an uphill battle of their own.

"What's frustrating is that people essentially help to make the stereotype true when they default to the mom for things. My wife tends to know better about what's going on with the kids at school and their extracurricular activities, but it's because teachers/staff/whoever will prefer to reach out to her about things first, and maybe sometimes I'll be included in an email here and there. Even when my name has been listed first on their contact info, my wife is the first choice to contact about most anything…

dad with child at doctorNot all dads are clueless about their kids, however.Photo credit: Canva

"And you know what? My wife hates it that she's the one always being contacted about everything. That's why we usually list me first or as the primary contact whenever they want parent contact information. 95% of the time, they still default to mom. I'm not stupid and aloof. My wife isn't always available to read emails and respond to things in a timely manner. She doesn't want to always be available. I don't want to always be available either, but I'm available the vast majority of the time."

"My husband is a stay at home dad. When the kid was in public school we had him as contact. Even called and had them make sure they noted it. They still always would call me first.""I'm a dad who generally knows more about the children in these situations than the mom, so I completely get the frustration. It’s prejudice, pure and simple. And I dislike the dads that helped establish that stereotype. My dad didn’t fit the stereotype either."

"My husband was a stay at home dad when our kids were younger, everyone knew (school, other parents), but still they always tried to reach me first if e.g one of the kids was sick and had to be picked up, to arrange for playdates and so on. 'Thanks, let me try and reach husband because I'm at work and at least 1hr drive away, I can't really speak to what he can/can't do right now.'

Will admit that sometimes I do the exact same with other moms in similar positions, even though I'm aware, ugh. Typical gender role expectations are so ingrained into all of us somehow, even if we don't like it ourselves. I hope the next generation will be less stuck in their expectations."

Should we celebrate dads who actually keep track of their kids' basic info? For now, yes.

It may seem silly to praise dads for something as basic as knowing their own kids' birthday, but considering how many stories of clueless dads were in that thread, it seems to be warranted. Having low expectations and complaining about them doesn't seem to help, so maybe celebrating dads who defy the stereotype will help raise the standard.

"See the glass as half full—as a Dad (I am), if you have even the first clue about any of this stuff you get a gold star for trying when, in the exact same circumstances, they’d probably be calling CPS on the mom. And if you meet the 'mom' standard, you’re on your way to the Nobel Prize for Dadding."

"Dad's like you are amazing. My dad was The Dad. He bought me pads and tampons when needed. He knew when I needed a break from my mom and brothers. He would take me out of school to go fishing or hunting. He was the first person to hold his grandson, and he cut his umbilical cord. He made many mistakes but being my father is not one of them.

My father became my dad when I was 3 years old. He is my example of what a man and father should be."

Finally, someone summed up the gist of the issue: "Nobody wins in the patriarchy." Not moms, not dads, not kids. So kudos to the original poster for pointing out an unfair prejudice, the commenters who explained where it comes from and everyone working to change the status quo. Hopefully conversations like this will help us make more progress on that front.