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default parent

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Ring doorbell video captures the phenomenon of what it's like to be the default parent

Millions of us know what it's like to be the "default parent."

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File:Door knocking for Jody Wilson Raybould (48911105817).jpg ...

Kids, man. I'm not sure of the scientific way audacity is distributed, but kids have a lot of it and somehow make it cute. That audacity overload is especially interesting when you're the default parent—you know, the parent kids go to for literally everything as if there's not another fully capable adult in the house. Chances are if your children haven't sought you out while you were taking a shower so you could open up a pack of fruit snacks, then you're not the default parental unit.

One parent captured exactly what it's like to be the default parent and shared it to TikTok, where the video has over 4 million views. Toniann Marchese went on a quick grocery run and *gasp* did not inform her children. Don't you fret, they're modern kids who know how to use modern means to get much-needed answers when mom is nowhere to be found. They went outside and rang the doorbell.

Back when we were children, this would've done nothing but make the dogs bark, but for Marchese's kids, who are 3 and 6 years old, it's as good as a phone call.

You may be questioning why this mom left her two young children home alone. She didn't. Their father was home, likely wondering why the children were playing so quietly. But. He. Was. Right. There. And the kids still bypassed him to talk to their mom through the Ring doorbell camera. It was pressing business, after all.

"My tablet is dead," the 3-year-old said.

The kids ignored Marchese's questions about where their dad was and continued to complain about their tablets. The entire situation is enough to make any default parent chuckle and maybe sob a little.

Watch the urgent doorbell call below:

@tinyann22

Moms can never get a minute of peace lol #momsoftiktok #momlife #ring #camera #kidsoftiktok

And if you're skeptical that dad was within shouting distance, the mom of two uploaded a part two where dad comes into the frame.

@tinyann22

Replying to @iustmerlp part 2… daddy was found! Lol #kidsoftiktok #momsoftiktok #parentsoftiktok #fyp #ring #prioritiesfirst

This article originally appeared on 3.22.23

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Feel like a nag? Expert shares how couples can beat the 'nag paradox' and work together.

"You’re not a nag for wanting partnership."

via Laura Danger (used with permission) and RDNE Stock Project/Pexels

Domestic labor expert, Laura Danger explains how to beat the 'nag paradox'.

Is there one person in your household who makes most of the domestic decisions and then delegates tasks to a support member? If so, then you’re probably familiar with the “nag paradox,” even if you’ve never heard it explained that way.

More often than not, in heterosexual relationships, wives carry the domestic mental load and the husband is a support member taking orders. Eventually, this dynamic can become toxic when the wife has to tell the husband repeatedly to do a task, or it isn’t accomplished to her liking.

This can leave the wife feeling rejected and vulnerable. It can also make the husband feel criticized, so he gets defensive and calls his wife a nag.

Laura Danger, a mother of two in Chicago, Illinois, is a licensed educator, certified coach, and content creator who counsels couples on emotional labor and explains the origins of this problem.

"Women are more likely to have grown up facing the pressure to perform household tasks than men," she told Upworthy. "There's a lot of cultural messaging about how women are naturally better at managing the household. The creep of imbalance isn't always an active or malicious choice. Household inequity is the norm in our society, and we've been taught that list-making and taking direction is the way to solve it, rather than collaborating."

She recently released a video that perfectly explains this paradox and how it affects partners differently.

What is the Nag Paradox?youtu.be

"The nag paradox is that very tricky and very common household dynamic where one person manages more of the mental load and is making more of the decisions around the logistics of the household," Danger explains. "And the other person is playing a support role, or is in a position of taking directions, or only giving periodic feedback."

She continues to say that the nag paradox is a “trap” because the person in charge of the decision-making process is attempting to connect with their partner, who may get defensive from being told what to do or critiqued for their performance. “The idea of nagging is that somebody’s upset about something that doesn’t matter. Domestic labor matters. Connecting with your partner matters. You’re not a nag for wanting partnership,” she says in the video.

She adds that a big problem with the nag paradox is that it can easily lead to two dangerous behaviors, “criticism” and “defensiveness,” known by influential psychologist John Gottman as the 2 of the Four Horsemen, or behaviors that can lead to the end of a relationship.

“It’s a setup for both people because, after a while, you don’t want to be vulnerable,” Danger continues. “You don’t want to open yourself up to that feeling of ‘I can’t do anything right’ … and the other person is saying, ‘I feel like I’m constantly being rejected.’”



So, how do couples overcome the paradox? On her blog, Danger says it’s all about taking time to connect and both partners understanding that domestic labor is a serious issue.

“Meet weekly and use this time to set standards, trade tasks and take your household seriously,” Danger wrote. “The resentment of one person managing more of the mental load, making more decisions and being put into the position of delegating, making decisions and giving guidance can be solved by doing the opposite! Work together. Be open and curious! You’re partners! Clear communication and some preventative care.”

She shared an instance where a couple she worked with broke the cycle by working together and communicating clearly.

"One couple I worked with had one partner who had a high-stress job that kept them away from home for long hours, and the other stayed home with their two kids. The breadwinner felt helpless when they came home and tried to help because it never felt like it was enough," she told Upworthy. "The stay-at-home parent felt alone in decision-making and felt like they were pestering their spouse. They broke the cycle by deciding a few tasks that the breadwinner's spouse could jump in and handle without feedback and agreed on expectations. Then, the stay-at-home parent stepped back and trusted the other to do what they committed to."

"They created a list of favorite meals, shopped for the kids' clothes online and planned their annual trip together," she continued. "Finding opportunities to make decisions together as a team and getting clear on expectations limited the frequency of one telling the other what to do. They would never get to an equal split, but their resentment broke down when they traded the nag paradox for collaboration."

Smoothing over resentment and building a relationship where both partners work together can be challenging, but Danger tells Today.com that it’s worth the effort.

"If you're already emotionally or mentally exhausted, it can feel like too big a battle to wage,” she said. “But it is worth it! If you want to have a relationship that's better or more balanced in the long run, it's worth doing."

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Dad shares why he joins in on overnight baby shifts even though his wife is on leave

“I have no idea why we are still having this argument.”

@professorneil/TikTok

A father pulling his weight shouldn't be considered "helping."

Yes, we’ve come a long way regarding gender equality. But if there’s any proof that we’ve still got a long way to go, look no further than the attitudes many still have when it comes to parenting roles.

Many still consider a father as “helping out” with a mom’s inherent responsibility when he participates in taking care of children, rather than simply being an equally contributing partner. And if mom is not working, the nuclear family ideal is even more persistent…as it is assumed she is the sole caretaker of the kids with no job to distract her.

All this can make the already difficult early chapters of parenthood next to impossible…and certainly not as enjoyable as they could be for moms who find themselves both partner-less and village-less.

Neil Shyminsky, a college professor and new dad, recently delved into this issue when he explained why he still participates in nighttime feedings—even though he works a full time job and his wife is on parental leave.

Shyminsky’s video was actually a response to another video made by labor equality advocate Paige Turner, who shared that someone called her “crazy” and “selfish” for suggesting a working dad should still wake up early with a new baby to give his wife an occasional break.

@professorneil #stitch with @Paige We’re all working, we’re all tired, and we all have to work in the morning, too #parenting #work #labor ♬ original sound - Professor Neil

“So it's currently 2 a.m. and I'm awake with this little one,” he says in the clip, explaining that he’ll be “on call for another two hours or so” until he switches with his wife, who is currently on parental leave.

As Shyminsky sees it, both parents are still currently working full-time, which makes his participating in overnight activities a no brainer.

“I might have to work a full day on four hours of really awful sleep, but I mean, what's the alternative? That she has to work a full day on none?” he asks.

As he eloquently puts it: “Parenting's work, parenting's labor. Stay-at-home parents work. I have no idea why we are still having this argument. Yeah, I can't figure it out there.”

So many viewers wrote in to praise Shyminsky’s rational take.

“It is exhausting to be the only parent to wake up at night.”

“I never understood the work argument. I still have to stay awake all day to take care of the baby and other kids. I need sleep.”

“Everything you said, and also the way to bond with a baby is by caring for it. That bond is worth some lost sleep.”

Others shared how they incorporated similar strategies.

One person wrote, “My husband and I had a great plan: I would go to bed around 8:00 and he would wake me up to switch around 1:00 or 2:00. We each got 5-6 hours each night. It worked for us!”

Another added, “Yeah we definitely did full night shifts. I’d take one night and husband would take the next. Lifesaver knowing you’d get a night of sleep every other night.”

Shyminsky also told Upworthy that this in no way is considered “helping” his wife, as that implies all things parenting are technically her responsibility and that he’s “assisting” her.

“When I’m not at my job, parenting is a shared and equal responsibility. So I’m not helping with the parenting, I’m sharing in it,” he said.

So true. Parenting is a full-time job…one without pay, and one that you can’t really clock in and out of. It’s downright unrealistic to expect mothers to take it all on by themselves.

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Mom proves the pain of being the ‘default parent’ by counting her 3 kids’ non-stop requests

“This validates my burnout, right?”

via Anna Shvets/Pexels and Jordan Klein/TikTok

Jrdan Klen counts the number of requests her 3 kids make in a day.

There never seems to be any downtime when you’re the default parent. You know, the parent that the kids go to first when they want anything, especially food. They're also the go-to person for school forms and bedtime stories, and the parents that the school reaches out to when a student is sick has to go home.

Some parents are the default because there’s an imbalance in the home, which forces them to assume most of the day-to-day child-rearing responsibilities. In other families, one parent is the default because the other is busy with work or other obligations.

Popular TikTokker Jordan Klein wondered why she becomes overwhelmed halfway through the day while watching her children. "I have three boys, ages 5, 3, and 1, and I continuously lose my sh*t. Sometimes it comes out. Sometimes," she said in a recent post. "I lose my sh*t right around 2 or 3 p.m. every day without fail. My husband works from home. But he does not lose his sh*t consistently. So, what's going on?"

To get to the bottom of her situation, she conducted a scientific study where she counted the number of requests she gets from her children on a given day, and the results were unbelievable.

This validates my burn out, right? #momtok #momsoftiktok #sahm #boymom #toddlermom #toddlersoftiktok #3under5

@jothemama

This validates my burn out, right? #momtok #momsoftiktok #sahm #boymom #toddlermom #toddlersoftiktok #3under5

"I downloaded one of those little counter clicker apps on my phone where I could just push the screen, and it ticks up one number, and I was just gonna hit it every time one of my children ...made a request,” Jordan said in her TikTok video.

Just ten minutes after downloading the app, her kids made 86 requests of her. She even didn't count repeats, and kids love to repeat themselves. “I guarantee you that if I were to ask my husband how many requests a day he gets at work... it's in the single digits, for sure," she added.

And they say being a stay-at-home mom isn’t a full-time job! “This validates my burnout, right?” Jordan captioned her post.

"I feel this completely, and point it out often to my husband. Like yall, Dad is RIGHT THERE. Ask him," CrochetFeen wrote in the comments. "I have 3 kids too and ‘Mom’ is now a triggering word," Sandra added.

The quasi-scientific experiment gives Jordan some excellent ammunition when talking to her husband about how they divide parenting duties. Even if it doesn’t mean he takes over the default role after work, it at least makes a great case that Jordan deserves more than a few lengthy breaks throughout the day and a few days off every month.

There is only so much stress and mental anguish that parents can take before they are no longer effective and cannot provide a happy and healthy home for their children. When evaluating domestic responsibilities, we often consider having a professional job more stressful than raising children. However, Jordan’s experiment proves that parenting can mean a lot more emotional labor, and families should take a second look at how default parents are valued.

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