intimacy

“Are you guys doing the hanky panky, like, multiple times a week?”

This was the question posed by Madison Barbosa, who watched a video on her For You page of a mom asking other moms how often they were “doing the deed,” and saw that some comments read “4-5 times a week.”

Barbosa, a mom herself with two kids under the age of 3, was flabbergasted.

“How?! With what energy?” she asked in a clip posted to her TikTok.

Barbosa went on to say how hard it is to maintain intimacy when you have small kids to take care of. For her, the main reason has nothing to do with lack of attraction or desire. Primarily, it’s because “at the end of the day, I am so tired of being touched. I don't want to be touched anymore. I don't want to be touched.”

It's common for moms to feel "touched out" when they have young kids.

What’s more, Barbosa noted feeling “wife guilt,” since she knows physical touch is her husband’s love language, “just as 95% of the male population’s is.”

The Better Help website somewhat affirms that statement, saying that “evidence suggests that physical touch is a common love language for both men and women, but somewhat more for men.”

Barbosa concluded her video by saying “god bless” to the folks who are having sex 4-5 times a week. But to her, it just doesn't seem “normal.”

And judging by the comments, she is certainly not alone in her thinking. Tons of folks chimed in to share how their sex life had definitely waned after having kids—for various reasons.

“Having kids has killed my libido!” lamented one person. “I *needed* it every day before kids and now like maybe 1-2 a month. I wanna fix that but idk how.”

Someone else shared, “Sometimes 3-4 times a week and then nothing for weeks.”

Another simply wrote, “Once a month lol.”

For some, it’s simply an issue of carving out time. One person said “I feel like we don’t get to be alone 4-5 times a week to even try.”

Other moms could definitely relate to the whole “being touched out thing.” One wrote, “girl I’ve done it 3x in 19m 💀💀💀. I feel so touched out and still [breastfeeding] really makes me not want to.”

Is it normal for couples to not have sex as often after having a kid?

If you're a parent having sex 4-5 times a wekk…how?Photo credit: Canva

If Barbosa’s video and the comments it inspired aren’t enough of an indicator, Chris Kraft, Ph.D., director of clinical services at the Sex and Gender Clinic in the department of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins Medicine affirms that it is, in fact, “natural for a couple’s sex life to decline after having a baby.”

This can be for myriad reasons—shifting priorities, multiples responsible, lack of private time, plain ol’ exhaustion. But he also notes that communication is a factor.

“Intimacy breaks down at this stage because couples don’t talk about their sex life,” Kraft says. “And, couples aren’t as intentional about connecting with each other as they were earlier in the relationship.”

And not even factoring in kids, the typical American couple engages in sexual intercourse 56 times a year, according to an Archives of Sexual Behavior study. That’s the equivalent of a little over once every week.

So while 4-5 times is great, less than that is also perfectly normal. And of course, what with life constantly changing, there really isn’t any “normal” anyway. Everything has a season, so keep yourself sane with your sexpectations.

Still, folks with kids might still be wondering how to up that number. Folks who watched Barbosa’s video had some great tips, like reading a spicy novel, investing in libido gummies and making time for intimacy at the beginning of the day. But below are some other suggestions pulled from various resources.

How to keep your sex life alive after having kids

Becoming a parent doesn't have to put a nail in the coffin of your sex life. Photo credit: Canva

Plan for sex. This one is self explanatory. Carving out a date night, whether that date is a creative weekend getaway or an hour tops, at 9 p.m. next Tuesday. Spontaneity is fun, but it’s not the end-all be-all of intimacy.

Try it even when you don’t feel like it. Often for women, the mood comes after the sex is initiated. Of course, the option to stop if arousal never arrives is always there. But seeing where things lead, even if the scenario is less than ideal, can offer pleasant surprises.

Invest in toys. Toys aren’t just for kids! And they can add a whole new dimension of pleasure, novelty and intimacy into the bedroom.

Ask your doctor about physical therapy and vaginal estrogen. There are physical therapy routines that can help repair abdominal wall and pelvic floor damage that can come with labor. And most insurance companies pay for at least a few sessions of it. Even if not, paying out of pocket for 1-2 sessions will offer some ideas for routines. And for those “touched out,” vaginal estrogen cream is often considered a game changer for stimulating hormones.

Have a pressure-free, clothing optional cuddle. This may or may not lead to actual sex, but can be a great way to reconnect.

Look, maintaining intimacy in long term relationships is challenging, kids or no kids. But with effort, creativity and (perhaps most of all) patience, couples can find their way back to one another. And it's well worth it.