Penn Badgley asked for no sex scenes in new season of 'You.' The show creator's reaction was fab.
Sera Gamble's awesome response has gotten lost amid the debates over his request.
Penn Badgley stars in the TV series "You."
Thanks largely to the #MeToo movement, conversations about bodily autonomy and consent have become a regular part of our social discourse. We teach little ones about the concept of consent in kid-friendly terms. We make sure everyone understands that only an enthusiastic yes means yes for sex. We talk about how consent can be withdrawn at any time.
Sometimes these conversations involve grappling with the nuances of individual situations, which is why actor Penn Badgley's request to stop doing sex scenes in his TV series "You" has created a wave of debates about the nature of acting, consent for sexual activity and how sex is portrayed in television and film in general.
For a little background, Badgley plays the handsome, obsessive serial killer Joe Goldberg in the series "You," which just entered its fourth season. In real life, Badgley is known for telling fans to stop falling in love with the creepy character, and for thoughtfully using the show's premise to talk about violence against women and gender equality. Now he's making headlines for a story he shared on his podcast about asking to cut sex scenes from the new season.
“I asked Sera Gamble, creator of the show, ‘can I just do no more intimacy scenes?’” Badgley told his "Podcrushed" co-hosts, Nava Kavelin and Sophie Ansari. He shared that one of his hesitations with taking the "You" role in the first place was his not wanting to always be cast as a romantic lead, considering everything that entails. (Badgley came to fame playing a lead romantic role on "Gossip Girl," and while Joe Goldberg isn't exactly a typical romantic lead, his character's modus operandi is charming women into relationships, which in the first three seasons involved a good deal of sex.)
"Fidelity in every relationship, and especially my marriage, is important to me," Badgley said, "And yeah, it just got to a point where I'm like, 'I don't want to do that.'" But, he added, "Do I have a career if I don't? I mean, think about every male lead you've loved. Are they kissing someone? Are they doing a lot more than that?"
Badgley told Variety that his wife, Domino Kirke-Badgley, actually encouraged him to take the role of Joe. "And I wasn’t going to listen to anyone more than her," he said. He also elaborated a bit on his discomfort with filming sex scenes, "having done quite a fair amount of them."
“It’s not a place where I’ve blurred lines,” he said. “There’s almost nothing I could say with more consecration. That aspect of Hollywood has always been very disturbing to me—and that aspect of the job, that mercurial boundary—has always been something that I actually don’t want to play with at all.”
He shared that his preference would be no sex scenes at all: "It’s important to me in my real life to not have them."
People were quick to share their thoughts on Badgley's feelings about intimate scenes, from positive (Good for him for setting his own boundaries!) to negative (It's called acting—it's got nothing to do with marital fidelity!) The story also got people talking about the nature of filming sex scenes, the differences between sex and violence being simulated or shown, how much is too much and whether such scenes are even necessary or desirable.
But lost in all of those debates was what really matters most—how "You" show creator and producer Sera Gamble responded to his request.
As Badgley explained on his podcast, Gamble's reaction to his wanting to nix sex scenes was immediately positive and supportive.
"I said to Sera, 'my desire would be zero. To go from 100 to zero.'" Badgley shared. "But I signed this contract. I signed up for this show, I know what I did. You know, you can't take this aspect out of the DNA of the concept [of the show], so 'how much less can you make it?' was my question to them."
"And she didn't even bat an eye. She was really glad that I was that honest. She was sort of, I want to say, like, almost empowered. She had a really positive response. She appreciated my directness and she appreciated that I was also being reasonable and practical. And they came back with a phenomenal reduction."
Badgley's feelings about filming sex scenes really shouldn't be up for debate—it's his body, his comfort level, his choice. And if someone decides that simulating sex at work isn't something they are comfortable with, they should be able to say so, no matter what their personal reasons are for it. The real story here is how an actor felt safe enough to approach his employer and voice his discomfort over filming sex scenes, and how she listened and immediately responded with respect and accommodation. That's exactly what should happen, but all too often has not.
Rather than devolving into hot takes on sex and sex scenes in general, which everyone has different feelings about, let's take this positive exchange between employee and employer for the consent-era example that it is and celebrate it.
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12 non-threatening leadership strategies for women
We mustn't hurt a man's feelings.
Men and the feels.
Note: This an excerpt is from Sarah Cooper's book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings.
In this fast-paced business world, female leaders need to make sure they're not perceived as pushy, aggressive, or competent.
One way to do that is to alter your leadership style to account for the fragile male ego.
Should men accept powerful women and not feel threatened by them? Yes. Is that asking too much?
IS IT?
Sorry, I didn't mean to get aggressive there. Anyhoo, here are twelve non-threatening leadership strategies for women.
Encourage.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When setting a deadline, ask your coworker what he thinks of doing something, instead of just asking him to get it done. This makes him feel less like you're telling him what to do and more like you care about his opinions.
Sharing ideas.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When sharing your ideas, overconfidence is a killer. You don't want your male coworkers to think you're getting all uppity. Instead, downplay your ideas as just "thinking out loud," "throwing something out there," or sharing something "dumb," "random," or "crazy."
Email requests.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pepper your emails with exclamation marks and emojis so you don't come across as too clear or direct. Your lack of efficient communication will make you seem more approachable.
Idea sharing.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
If a male coworker steals your idea in a meeting, thank him for it. Give him kudos for how he explained your idea so clearly. And let's face it, no one might've ever heard it if he hadn't repeated it.
Sexism.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you hear a sexist comment, the awkward laugh is key. Practice your awkward laugh at home, with your friends and family, and in the mirror. Make sure you sound truly delighted even as your soul is dying inside.
Mansplain.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Men love explaining things. But when he's explaining something and you already know that, it might be tempting to say, "I already know that." Instead, have him explain it to you over and over again. It will make him feel useful and will give you some time to think about how to avoid him in the future.
Mistakes.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pointing out a mistake is always risky so it's important to always apologize for noticing the mistake and then make sure that no one thinks you're too sure about it. People will appreciate your "hey what do I know?!" sensibilities.
Promotions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Asking your manager for a promotion could make you seem power- hungry, opportunistic, and transparent. Instead, ask a male coworker to vouch for you. Have your coworker tell your manager you'd be great for the role even though you don't really want it. This will make you more likely to actually get that promotion.
Rude.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Sometimes not everyone is properly introduced at the start of a meeting. Don't take it personally even if it happens to you all the time, and certainly don't stop the meeting from moving forward to introduce yourself. Sending a quick note afterward is the best way to introduce yourself without seeming too self-important.
Interruptions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you get interrupted, you might be tempted to just continue talking or even ask if you can finish what you were saying. This is treacherous territory. Instead, simply stop talking. The path of least resistance is silence.
Collaboration.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When collaborating with a man, type using only one finger. Skill and speed are very off-putting.
Disagreements.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When all else fails, wear a mustache so everyone sees you as more man-like. This will cancel out any need to change your leadership style. In fact, you may even get a quick promotion!
In conclusion...
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Many women have discovered the secret power of non-threatening leadership. We call it a "secret power" because no one else actually knows about it. We keep our power hidden within ourselves so that it doesn't frighten and intimidate others. That's what makes us the true unsung heroes of the corporate world.
About the Author: Sarah Cooper
Sarah Cooper is a writer, comedian, and author of 100 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings. Her new book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings, is out now.
The comedic book cover.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
A satirical take on what it's like to be a woman in the workplace, Cooper draws from her experience as a former executive in the world of tech (she's a former Googler and Yahooer). You can get the book here.
This article was originally published on March 25, 2019.