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Expert's ‘Let them' theory inspires people to post on social media without fearing judgment

"Your social media is for your self-expression."

via TEDxSF and Canva/Photos

Mel Robbins and a woman looking at her smartphone.

Most people have a few hundred or more followers on social media, and it can be paralyzing to post something because even if you express a rather bland opinion, it’s bound to bother someone. It's also nerve-racking to post a photo of yourself or your family because you may be judged on your appearance.

You have a joke? Someone might find it unfunny. Went on vacation? A friend may subtly brag that they went somewhere nicer. Went out for a nice dinner? Your dietary choices may face scrutiny. Lost a few pounds and want to show off how good you look? You know who may get jealous.

How to post on social media without fear

The problem is, you’re letting others subtly control how you express yourself on social media. Mel Robbins, a podcast host, author, motivational speaker, and former lawyer, offers empowering advice for those holding you back: Let them.

@melrobbins

This is your sign to stop giving away your control to other people’s opinions… If you find that you take things personally, worry what other people think about you, are scared of being judged, or find that you can’t stop overthinking, you need to hear this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 “How to Stop Caring What People Think of You.” #melrobbins #melrobbinspodcast #letthem #peoplepleasing

“I want to remind you of something," Robbins says in a TikTok video. "Your social media is for your self-expression. It's for your business. It's for your artistry. It's not for your sorority sisters from college. It's not for your family. It's not for the women in your mother’s group. It's for you."

She adds that people’s reactions to your post are something that you have no control over. Instead, Robbins believes that you should take your life back by letting go of the need to control how others react to you.

Robbins' theory is so popular that she wrote an entire book about it, entitled The Let Them Theory.

“Let them think a negative thought about what you're gonna post," Robbins adds. "Let them unfollow you. Let them roll their eyes. Let them gossip. You can't control any of it anyway. The only thing you can control is you can control what you think of yourself...Let them think something negative. Let them do something negative, like unfollow you or write some comment or whatever...Let them know that the power is not in someone else. The power is in you.”

grandma, grand daughter, social media, photos, smartphone, park bench A granddaughter shares her social media post with grandmother.via Canva/Photos

Robbins is also clear that she’s talking about people looking to make posts about their business, a creative endeavor, or something about themselves that shows that they aren’t perfect. A lot of Robbins' work is about how to deal with difficult and toxic people, so she’s clearly not pushing people to feel free to make provocative posts that antagonize people, but to have the confidence to express themselves without worrying about pleasing everyone.

What is the locus of control?

Robbins' advice has its roots in psychology, in a concept known as the locus of control. It’s the extent to which people feel that the outcomes in their life are based on what they do (internal control orientation) or on events outside their personal control (external control orientation). When we say “Let them” to any host of reactions we get from people, we switch the locus of control to an internal setting, where we believe that by being unattached to opinions, we can better control the outcomes in our lives.

Next time you’re feeling a little trepidation before hitting “post,” don’t forget Robbins’ mantra: Let them. Their opinions don’t define you, but your willingness to share authentically does. Your social media feeds are your page to express your voice, not a monument to others’ expectations.

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'Just be yourself' is actually terrible advice. Here are 4 ways to reframe authenticity.

For one, your "self" is always in flux.

Photo credit: Canva

What even is a self?

We’ve all heard it before, be it in a graduation speech, at the end of a Disney movie, or in one of our parent’s pep talks: “Just be yourself.” We’ve heard it so many times, in fact, that it’s pretty much accepted as the golden rule when it comes to winning at life.

And sure, there’s some wisdom to this, especially in the context of embracing your individual quirks…but that’s about where its usefulness ends.

For one thing, the “self” is in a constant state of flux. It changes according to time, place, what we’ve learned, who we’re around, our emotional state…the factors go on and on. And this is a good thing. It’s how we are able to evolve and grow.

Tilda Swinton, an actress known for being rather chameleonic, actually has an amazing keynote speech where she discusses the “overratedness” of a conforming to one identity, noting how it creates a painful, unnecessary “burden” when “life’s way too interesting” and we could be having much more fun “riding that horse all the way and enjoying all the different landscape it will take us on.”

Secondly (and similarly), this “Just be yourself” adage promotes the idea that life is about “finding yourself” rather than “creating yourself.” One suggests that you have one fully formed, fixed identity that is lost to you, which can hopefully be recovered one day (often through an expensive seminar). But people often find much more intention, empowerment, and motivation by adopting a “create yourself” mindset. This strategy in turn can help people incorporate more nourishing habits because it makes the self a malleable, life-long project—and the owner of said identity is the artist behind it.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Lastly, as psychotherapist and author Britt Frank, LSCSW, SEP, wrote in an article for CNBC, “‘I’m just being myself’ can be an excuse for poor behavior.” Rather than working on emotional regularity and being considerate of one’s affect on others, someone might engage in reactive, unhelpful behavior in the name of authenticity…which doesn’t necessarily lead to success.

To that end, Frank suggests that rather than “just being yourself,” people should focus on these four things:

1. Allow for a “variety pack” of selves

Because you contain multitudes, and flexibility often beats out rigidity in the long run.

2. Listen to each of those selves

More likely than not, it’ll show you how to actually show up in a way that aligns with your values.

3. Remember that “real” is overrated

You can be aware of all the different parts of yourself longing to express themselves, but at the end of the day, you have the power to choose which one gets to speak up.

4. Prioritize responsibility over authenticity

This is how you build trust, rather than unnecessary conflict.

advice, psychology, success, motivation, authenticity, identity, just be yourself, cnbc Trust can take you further than saying anything that comes to mind. Photo credit: Canva

In many ways, there is more success to be had in getting clear about the “best version of yourself” in any given situation and acting accordingly, rather than settling for an identity that doesn't allow room for growth, experimentation, or compassion. But either way, the choice is yours.

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Feeling stuck in life? Real people share 10 time-tested ways to 'unstick' yourself that actually work

"Just take one thing you need to be doing, and do it for two minutes."

Canva

Men falling into quick sand, molasses, meditation.

First of all, you're not alone. Feeling "stuck" can—and usually does—happen at any stage of life. It's not a reflection of your success status, your love attachment, or even necessarily your choices. But it can feel like you're walking in sticky molasses with no way out. These feelings could range from mere procrastination on small tasks to a bigger picture "stuckness" wherein you might feel an existential angst that seems to freeze your ability to make change.

While many therapists offer helpful solutions on how to get "unstuck," non-experts have creative ideas too, and they are surprisingly simple.

In 30 seconds flat, Stanford professor Graham Weaver shares ways to become unstuck, which he also imparts on his students. He begins by asking four questions: "What am I avoiding? I need to go right at that." So, let's say you've got mounds of paperwork on your desk and just can't bring yourself to go through it. This creates a cycle of stuckness, because until you tackle that task, you might not be able to move on to the next thing. Naming it is the first step to addressing it.

@grahamcweaver

How to get unstuck. Four simple tips. #growth #stuck #selfimprovement #mindsetmotivation #lifeadvice #personaldevelopment #goals

He then advises to ask the question, "Where do I start?" Good question, right? His answer is easy: "Translate my goal into something simple I can do today." This could merely be sending an email about a job opportunity or, ya know, going through at least a portion of that mountain of paperwork.

The third question he proposes is, "How do I 'win' today? Just write down three things I can move forward on today, and then get up and repeat that tomorrow." Your three things can be as simple or complex as you'd like. Example: Pay the minimum payment (if not all) of a bill. Send an email about a project idea. Change your sheets.

And lastly, he asks, "What are the habits that are interfering with where I want to go?" This is probably the most important and possibly most difficult when trying to assess your stuckness. (For me, it's a lack of focus. I'll begin doing something creative or practical, and then I'll start scrolling Instagram for hours. Since I can't change that, I put my phone in a drawer for as long as possible and give myself a goal of at least one hour without it. Baby steps.)

Just recently on Reddit, someone posted the question: "How do you quickly get out of a rut situation and take actions?" They describe feeling stuck, and in part share, "I want to learn skills. I want to mainly overcome fears and complete tasks that I’ve been neglecting to do. Now I always feel like I’m not good enough. I don’t have the proper plan and basic idea how to achieve goals. So my mind automatically chooses to procrastinate, yet in the background, all I do is worry about my life problems."

Redditors recognized themselves in this statement and many had solid ideas. The first commenter suggests literal movement. "For me, the way out was exercise. To start, once I got so frustrated with myself for lying around and doing nothing that I couldn't take it anymore, I would get up and go to the gym and use that frustration to get me moving. I noticed after I went to the gym I would feel so good, both physically and mentally. This spurred me to get more things done around the house, instead of just doing nothing."

homer simpson, the simpsons, treadmill, excercise Homer tries to use the treadmill. Giphy 20th Century Fox

Another echoes Weaver's idea of creating smaller goals that can help one, as he said, "win today." This Redditor shares, "What I have found works for me is just getting something done to build momentum, even if it's a small thing. Then I layer another small thing on top of that and keep going. Some people say do the difficult things first and get it out of the way. I am not built that way. I fear what's difficult and procrastinate. So I build up to it by gaining smaller victories."

This person offers what's called The Two Minute Method. "The two minute method (it has a million other names as well) is good. Just take one thing you know you need to be doing, and do it for 2 minutes. Generally, once you get going, you'll be able to do it for longer than that. The great barrier is inertia—objects at rest want to stay at rest."

While there were many other helpful answers from everyday Redditors, this person listed three excellent ideas in a row of things one can actually do right now to make a significant change: "If you’re on social media and often catch yourself mindlessly scrolling every time there’s a lull in the day, challenge yourself to delete the apps. For a week, for a month, etc. See how you feel!"

They add to motivate yourself through music. "If you’re a music person, put together some playlists based on the mood you’re trying to set. Need some light background noise for reading? Throw together some chill instrumental songs. Need a workout playlist? Gather all the songs that get you amped. If your library isn’t that deep you can always search for playlists on YouTube/Spotify."

And lastly, "Might sound silly, but meditation can be a great tool to help look inward, boost your morale, and set intentions for what you want to focus on. You can look up: affirmations meditation, motivation meditation, unstuck meditation."

Here's one of many meditations focused on unsticking:

guided meditation, anxiety, feeling stuck, therapy www.youtube.com, John Davisi

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Science confirms ‘Move in Silence’ trend might be the smartest way to achieve your goals

“I promise you things always work out better when you keep them to yourself.”

TikTok: @wemiopakunle, @_alliechen, @mandanazarfhami,

Science confirms ‘Move in Silence’ trend might be the smartest way to achieve your goals.

TikTok's latest viral wisdom is backed by hard data—and it's making people rethink their communication habits. We live in a world of chronic oversharing. We post everything, from the routes we run (including screenshots as proof of all that hard work), to the pale-green iced matcha latte sitting at our desks or a present from a boyfriend (who will be tagged prominently, not secretly off screen). Who knows when, but our brains became wired for sharing: to record, to curate, and to post every second of our lives, then consume that of others to a disturbing degree. So, here's a radical idea: when it comes to goals and plans, try keeping them to yourself. It could be the key to making them a reality.

That's the message behind TikTok's massively popular "Move in Silence" trend, where creators like @noemoneyyy have cracked the contradictory code to success: Instead of broadcasting every big idea or project that runs through your head, if you actually want it to come to fruition, keep your plans to yourself until they're executed. And it's not just a trend; surprisingly, science also supports this muted approach.


@noemoneyyy

Work in private and let the results speak! #privatelife #privatelifehappylife #workinprivate #creatorsearchinsights

"As a former oversharer who used to tell every single friend, every single family member, or a partner everything I was doing, I promise you things always work out better when you keep them to yourself," explains creator @noemoneyyy in a video that's garnered millions of views.

On a different video by @mandanazarfhami, she says, “I don’t care what you’ve got going on in your life: that dream job, that city that you want to move to, that dream person, that dream life, that dream anything. Literally keep it to yourself until it’s done.”

Commentors were quick to agree, with one person writing: “From a young age, I never told anyone my next steps. I also taught my husband and son to keep our private matters to themselves and just do things 💯Not many people like it, but who cares🌝🙌🏼🫶🏼”

Another chimed in, “This concept has changed my life for the better.” Others replied, “100 agree 💕” and “100%🙌🏼people can’t ruin what is silent, show results.”


@mandanazarghami

monitoring spirits are a real thing - move in silence and watch how much your life changes #fypシ


What's going on here

In a study done by New York University, researchers found that people who kept their goals private worked on tasks for an average of 45 minutes, compared to the 33 minutes of work completed by those who announced their plans in advance. The twist? The people who shared their goals expressed feeling closer to finishing, despite doing approximately 25% less work.

NYU psychologist Peter Gollwitzer, who led the research, concluded that "once you've told other people your intentions, it gives you a 'premature sense of completeness.'" He also found that the brain is made up of "identity symbols," which create one's self-image. Interestingly, both action and talking about action create symbols in your brain, so simply speaking about a future plan or something you want to do satisfies that part of your brain. When we make our goals public, especially ones that matter to us and deal with our identity, our ability to achieve said goal is significantly reduced. As the old adage goes, "actions speak louder than words."

Stranger still, in his paper "Does Social Reality Widen the Intention-Behavior Gap," Gollwitzer notes that in order for this phenomenon to happen, one must truly care about their goals. "Ironically, this effect was only found for participants who are very committed to their goal!" PsychologyToday notes. "The lesson learned is that the more passionate you are about your goals, the more secretive you should be about them."

Quiet, silence, peace, shhh, no speaking, secret The more passionate you are about your goals, the more secretive you should be. Photo credit: Canva

Another reason to keep quiet: If you're a beginner trying something new, sharing your plans could potentially open you up to criticism and negative feedback, which could deter you from even starting. At the University of Chicago, professor Ayelet Fishbach conducted studies to determine how positive and negative feedback affects the pursuit of one's goal. According to Atlassian, she and her team found:

  • When positive feedback signals commitment to a goal, it increases motivation.
  • When positive feedback signals progress, it actually decreases motivation.
"One example the researchers give is a math student who gets a good grade on a test. If she perceives it to mean she likes math, she will study harder. If, however, she sees the high score as a sign she is making progress in the class, she may ease up and study less." - Atlassian


@_alliechen

I used to be such an open book but now im a lot more reserved on my goals and plans so ppl dont judge #moveinsilence #relateablecontent #girlies #viral #success

We've all been there: excitedly telling everyone about your grand plans to backpack through Europe, the year you'll finally learn Spanish, or joining the group lesson at the tennis courts you always pass by… only to mysteriously lose all motivation a week later. Turns out, those lovely dopamine bursts that accompany every enthusiastic "That sounds great!" or "You should totally do it!" response might be precisely what's holding you back.

The good news? You don't need to become closed-off and secretive, a hermit on the top of a mountain who's afraid to share any part of themselves with the world. Research suggests that sharing your goals with one or two selected friends who can be trusted to provide meaningful support is still a good idea. Just hold off on the Instagram Live announcement until you've actually accomplished something substantial.

So, the next time you sit down to write your goals, whether they be a new year's resolution, the day's to-do list, or a five-year plan, think twice about sharing it with others. Give it time and you might have something better to share soon: the results.

This article originally appeared in April.

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