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Therapist praised for his empathetic assessment on why Gen-Z seems so apathetic

Perhaps the Gen Z stare deserves a lot more compassion than we're giving it.

@austincalo/TikTok

Therapist Austin Calo offers an empathetic take of the generation known for it's vacant stare.

We’ve all heard jokes about the “Gen Z stare,” and perhaps have even made a few jabs ourselves. But after hearing Texas-based therapist Austin Calo’s nuanced, empathetic take on why this generation often seems so apathetic, we might be moved to hold off on the wisecracks.

Calo, who regularly posts therapy content on his TikTok, recently went viral for sharing his observations about his Gen Z clients. The first thing he discussed was the collective “external locus of control.”

Calo explained this as a mindset of thinking “something is happening to you rather than you impacting it." He mainly attributed this to Gen Z entering adulthood during a global pandemic, which was obviously so disruptive and debilitating that many of us, Gen z or not, began to develop a nihilistic point of view.

“Naturally, you would detach from the result and view yourself as relatively powerless,” he said.

Next, he brought up social media. Which, yes, we’ve talked at length about the negative impact social media’s mainstream presence has had on young adults especially, but Calo nonetheless offered some different insight.

He noted that the Internet, an omnipresent “faceless” place where one can easily be publicly humiliated, has not only exacerbated a “fear of being cringe,” but "shattered" a sense of real community. However, since we are still naturally hardwired to seek community, we do it digitally.

This is why Calo has seen so many Gen Zers “hyper-pathologizing” mental illness or clinging to a sexual identity online, because at least being “boxed” into a group provides some sense of belonging, however artificial. This of course adds unnecessary pressure to immediately carve out a brand of sorts rather than simply exist and explore.

@justpeers logging off (metaphorically I’m always logged in so more like “closing the app”) for the day #genz ♬ original sound - joan


“There's not a sense of openness to figure something out or that it'll come in time or later, there's this pressure to identify with something right now."

And yet, the possibly positive consequence of being chronically online, Calo noted, is that Gen Zers generally have higher media literacy. “They know what you're trying to do, they know you're trying to manipulate them, so there's a sense of, um, kind of collective resistance to, like, pandering, you know?"

Still, this higher media literacy doesn't necessarily protect Gen Z from being manipulated or marketed to, Calo argues. In fact, he says the odds are even higher of it happening, because being exposed to a catered ‘For You' page “wears you down over the course of time.”

In essence, Gen Z’s detachment is mostly a trauma response, “[Be]cause it feels like something's asked of them all the time,” according to Calo.

Calo concluded, “I see these takes online of trashing Gen Z or, like, the Gen Z staring stuff. This is to help understand and empathize with a generation that feels totally powerless in the face of a polarizing political climate and being marketed to and politicized on social media, meaning being manipulated on social media through politics...and so I think it's helpful to have a sense of empathy rather than 'Oh, these kids...'"

Calo’s video, which garnered 2.7 millions views, clearly struck a chord with Gen Zers, who flooded the comments with thank you’s and shared how other factors, like climate change, politics, and the economy have impacted their mindset.

“Gen Z and I definitely feel like I don’t actually ‘exist’ in the world. I often feel like I’m observing life and not actively participating in it…I don’t really have any expectations for my future and have adopted a mentality of whatever happens, happens.”

“Also the environment! We grew up being told that we wouldn’t see our children grow up unless people made changes and then we had to watch those things just…not happen.”

“We are pretty powerless: failing economy, dying plenty, no no hope.”

“So many of us try to make a career like we were told but unless you were born with money it seems like a losing game. I have a degree and I don’t feel further along than I did four years ago.”

“Another thing I think is that a lot of Gen Z has found out about the human condition and how utterly disappointing life can be through political agendas and manipulation through media.”

And yet, Calo upholds his belief that, despite these warranted coping mechanisms, Gen Zers are "incredibly resilient and courageous.” They just have trouble seeing that strength within themselves. For that, Calo has a bit of advice, which he shared with Buzzfeed.

"Boldly challenge the voices in your head and incessantly trace them until you’ve found the source. All ideas have an origin,” he said. “We wear others’ ideas all the time…You might find your actual voice is far more encouraging, hopeful, self-assuring, and kind than you may believe."

He added, "Think of who has positively impacted your life and treat yourself the way they’ve treated you. You might find that you are worth that love and adoration after all."

Additionally, Calo told Upworthy that while he sees Gen Z nihilism as a perfectly valid form of self preservation, he encourages them to reframe how they see hope, so that it feels like a potential trap for pain.

"Hope does not cause tragedy, nor does it foresee an outcome. Its purpose is to make our present more tolerable. Many believe that when we hope and subsequently fail, we ought to feel humiliated and ashamed of ourselves for believing a positive result was possible. However, that outcome was in the cards whether we felt hopeful or not. Hope just made the experience better than it would have been otherwise. Hope doesn’t yield deeper failure; it mitigates it."

Lastly, though Calo recognizes economic security as necessary to contentment (making it disheartening that it's out of reach for so many) community is just as valuable, and far more "controllable." So, when in doubt— "create community. You won’t regret it."

Honestly, that sounds likes pretty good advice, no matter what age you are.

Keep up with Calo (including updates on his music!) on TikTok

A child who is bored in school.

A mother has stepped out and made a bold claim about her true feelings on her children’s education, and, surprisingly, a lot of people agree with her. Annie, who goes by @mom.behind.the.scenes on TikTok, believes that grades aren’t the best marker to measure a child’s developmental or emotional health.

Annie is a mother of four who has a unique family. She has one biological child and three adoptees. Given the struggles her family has had over the years, she’s a mental health advocate for children who’ve been involved with the foster care system. Annie is also a doula who really enjoys coffee and has some pretty severe PTSD.

Mom says she doesn’t care about grades

“I don't care about my kids' grades. Now, that might not make me the teacher's favourite, because I really never look at what grades my kids have. I truly don't care now if my kids are passionate about their grades,” she opens her video. “What matters to me is that my kids are doing their best and that they have the resources and the opportunities they need in order to do their very best.”

Annie believes that the child’s emotional health surpasses academic achievement

“I care more that they are mentally okay and emotionally okay and passionate about things in life and kind to other people. And those things are not defined by a letter on a piece of paper or a percentile,” she continues. “It doesn't work that way for the rest of life; it doesn't define who my kids are. If my kids have straight Cs, a D or two mixed in, and they're good humans, I'm good. That doesn't define who my children are.”

happy teens, group of kids, big smiles, smiling teens, group photos, A group of happy teens.via Canva/Photos

Surprisingly, many teachers in the comments agreed with Annie. "I'm a teacher who also doesn't really care about grades. I care that my students put forth effort. I tell my students they cannot fail my class if they show up every day and try, and that's true," a teacher wrote. "Yes! You are raising good humans, not good 'students.’ I love that. As a teacher, that’s what I care about in my students," another added. "As a teacher, I have learned that you are correct and the system isn't what's best for everyone," another teacher wrote.

Motivation is the key to real learning

happy tween boy, happy kid, kid with arms raised, headphones, laptop, green shirt A kid wearing headphones raising his arms in celebration.

Ashley Lamb-Sinclair, a high-school instructional coach and the 2016 Kentucky Teacher of the Year, says that motivation is often an overlooked part of child development. “A willingness to learn for its own sake represents intrinsic motivation, while grades and other accolades represent extrinsic. Research has shown time and again that intrinsic motivation leads to more profound learning. The truth is that the willingness to learn leads to achievement, but so often achievement is the only part that matters to others,” Lamb-Sinclair writes in The Atlantic.

We all have different experiences and priorities with our children, and every family has its unique advantages and struggles. Annie’s philosophy may not be right for everyone, but it is a reminder that grades aren’t everything; there are a lot of qualities that we should develop in children that go far beyond the three Rs.

Health

Expert explains how to enjoy socializing even when your 'social battery' is empty

Even extroverts' social stamina gets worn down eventually.

A woman lying on a table at a party hat.

One of the big ways in which people differ—but we don’t talk about very much—is their social stamina. Some people love being around others morning, noon, and night. While others show up to a party at seven p.m. and quietly slip out the front door at nine. Although it’s not an official medical term, therapists like to call this the “social battery,” and we can all benefit from learning how often ours need to recharge to avoid running on empty.

What is a social battery?

Introverts and extroverts have very different social batteries. Extroverts have full batteries that take a long time to wind down. Introverts have smaller batteries that lose their charge quickly, so they have to be careful about how they plan their social interactions and who they spend their time with.

One isn’t better than the other, but it’s essential to learn where we stand on the social stamina spectrum so that we can get the most out of our social engagements. It’s important to connect with people, but if you have limited resources to devote to social situations, you must be intentional with how you spend your time.

This is what happens when a husband and wife are at a wedding and they both have very different battery lives.

@justice_777

She usually the one ready to go. #weddingtiktok #weddingday #bridetok #fatherofthebride #dadsoftiktok #dadjokes #weddingvibes #socialbutterfly #introvert #extrovert

What are some signs your social battery is running low?

  • You feel weary
  • You’re less interested in talking to people than you were before
  • You’d like to be in a quiet, familiar place
  • You’re ready to retreat into your inner world of books or creativity
  • You’re overwhelmed by crowds or excess noise

Here’s what it looks like when someone with a low social battery throws a party.

@jordan_the_stallion8

#fyp @Aimy Avila

How to socialize without draining your battery

Mental health advocate Kyrus Keenan Westcott says that with a little planning in advance, people with low social batteries can get the most out of social functions.

1. Prioritize Meaningful Interactions: Spend time with those who uplift you, minimize time with those who are draining.

2. Create a Comfortable Space: If you’re hosting an event, create a place for you to relax and recharge during the event so that you can return to it with more battery life.

3. Set Clear Boundaries: If you need to leave at a set time or are feeling drained, don’t let anyone force you to stay.

4. Balance Social and Alone Time: Make sure to schedule enough time for yourself to recharge in between social events.

Ultimately, taking a good look at how your social battery functions can be a big help when planning your weekend or how you interact with coworkers. You’ll want to make sure that you spend the right amount of time on meaningful interactions, so you don’t waste your time on people and activities that aren’t fulfilling. It’s also great to understand your battery so that when it does feel low, you don’t feel bad that you’re being antisocial. You’ve just given all you can to the people who truly matter in your life.

Dirty dishes and clean dishes.

"Run the dishwasher twice" might sound like strange mental health advice, but a viral post is proving that it's actually quite helpful.

Danielle Wunker, a Licensed Professional Counselor and Supervisor, shared a story on her Facebook page that is resonating with people who struggle with mental health issues. It originally came from an answer from Katie Scott on Quora to the question "Has a therapist ever told you something completely unexpected?"

It reads:

"When I was at one of my lowest (mental) points in life, I couldn't get out of bed some days. I had no energy or motivation and was barely getting by. I had therapy once per week, and on this particular week I didn't have much to 'bring' to the session. He asked how my week was and I really had nothing to say.

'What are you struggling with?' he asked. I gestured around me and said 'I dunno man. Life.' Not satisfied with my answer, he said 'No, what exactly are you worried about right now? What feels overwhelming? When you go home after this session, what issue will be staring at you?'

upset man, stressed man, unhappy man, man alone, anxiety Man sitting on chair covering his eyes.Photo by christopher lemercier on Unsplash


I knew the answer, but it was so ridiculous that I didn't want to say it. I wanted to have something more substantial.
Something more profound.

But I didn't.

So I told him, 'Honestly? The dishes. It's stupid, I know, but the more I look at them the more I CAN'T do them because I'll have to scrub them before I put them in the dishwasher, because the dishwasher sucks, and I just can't stand and scrub the dishes.'

I felt like an idiot even saying it.

What kind of grown ass woman is undone by a stack of dishes? There are people out there with *actual* problems, and I'm whining to my therapist about dishes?

But he nodded in understanding and then said:

'Run the dishwasher twice.'


dishes, dish washer, plates, pots, pans, glasses Dishwasher and dishes.via commons.wikimedia.org

I began to tell him that you're not supposed to, but he stopped me.

'Why the hell aren't you supposed to? If you don't want to scrub the dishes and your dishwasher sucks, run it twice. Run it three times, who cares?! Rules do not exist.'

It blew my mind in a way that I don't think I can properly express. That day, I went home and tossed my smelly dishes haphazardly into the dishwasher and ran it three times. I felt like I had conquered a dragon.

The next day, I took a shower lying down. A few days later. I folded my laundry and put them wherever the f**k they fit. There were no longer arbitrary rules I had to follow, and it gave me the freedom to make accomplishments again. Now that I'm in a healthier place, I rinse off my dishes and put them in the dishwasher properly. I shower standing up. I sort my laundry.

But at a time when living was a struggle instead of a blessing, I learned an incredibly important lesson:

There are no rules.

Run the dishwasher twice."

washing dishes, dish washer, woman doing dishes, sink A woman washing dishes.via Canva/Photos

"For me it is not exactly that there are no rules, but I ask myself 'Whose rules are these?' 'Do I want them to be mine or can I come up with better ones?' No rules might work for some folks, but I like a little structure, the structure I supply and can alter if it is not working." Sam wrote in the comments.

"That is brilliant! Thank you for sharing that profound story. Isn’t it amazing how often we miss the faulty assumption that is stymying us? I’m glad to hear you are in a much better place now," Charlie added.

Anyone who has been in a mental or emotional place where even just the most basic, mundane tasks seem overwhelming understands the wisdom in this lesson. Dishes might seem like such a minor detail of life, but those kinds of minor details can be the straw that breaks the camel's back mentally. If you've never stared at a basket of laundry that would take three minutes to fold and thought, "Nope, can't do it. Not now. Maybe not ever..." then you may not need this lesson, but there are millions of people who appreciate the express permission to let go of the rules in our heads about how things have to be done.

Adjusting expectations and arbitrary ideas about how something works is incredibly freeing and can provide a seemingly temporary fix for a seemingly insurmountable problem. Oddly enough, though, that temporary fix can be the necessary bridge that gets someone from unable to cope with daily life things to functioning on a somewhat normal level.

Mental health is such a tricky thing to manage, and many of the tools for managing it run counter to what we might expect. That's what therapists are for—to help us step outside the box of our own brains, adjust our thoughts and behaviors to create greater possibilities for ourselves, and give us permission to reject the negative voices in our head try to keep us locked in unhelpful or unhealthy patterns.

Even when that unhelpful pattern is as simple as letting the dishes pile up instead of running the dishwasher twice.

This article originally appeared four years ago.