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Mental Health

Neuroscientist explains why it's impossible to 'live in the present' and what to do instead

"We spend three quarters of our day time traveling between past, present and future."

Photo Credit: https://www.canva.com/photos

A person meditates at the beach.

"Time is like a river made up of the events which happen, and a violent stream; for as soon as a thing has been seen, it is carried away, and another comes in its place, and this will be carried away too.” – Marcus Aurelius

How many times have philosophers and meditation experts suggested we "live in the now"? Countless bestselling books have been written on the topic and it's no doubt a helpful tool in reducing anxiety, depression, and other mental health barriers that many of us struggle with. In other words, it's a perfectly lovely idea—and an important one.

But, according to one neuroscientist, it's actually impossible. In fact, she suggests that we need to reframe how we think about time—and our space in it—in order to truly thrive.

On an episode of The Mindbodygreen podcast, Caroline Leaf, Ph.D., BSc, suggests that we give ourselves a break about "living in the present." She says to instead think about how time has a linear story. Everything in your past (and that's everything at the time you're reading this) will inform everything that is to come. So living "in the now", while a nice idea. is a fool's errand. The idea gives the illusion that if one can't do that, there's something wrong.

She says, "You have a narrative, you have a story, you are responding in this moment because of everything else about you. We spend between one-half and three-quarters of our day in our minds time-traveling between the past, present, and future." This is absolutely not to say we shouldn't strive for present-living. Just that we should be aware that there's always past experiences and future uncertainty that informs every waking moment.

Olivia Giacomo further explains this idea, writing in a podcast companion piece on Mindbodygreen.com to "think of your non-conscious mind as an endless forest, rich with thoughts and memories. Those memories are never rooted in the present: Once they occur, they're immediately existing in the past. Then once a memory has been consolidated, it has the power to affect your future by informing you of what has and could happen."

Many have tackled this idea and some disagree. In a piece for the BBC, clinical psychologist and professor at University College of London, Dr. Joseph Oliver, gives his thoughts on the matter. He discusses mindfulness and living "in the present," and while he notes that there is a distinction (mindfulness is more about taking note of one's thoughts), he does believe through meditation and practice one can learn to live in the now.

Regardless of how technical one wants to get about the possibility of "nowness," Leaf offers ways to reframe the idea of thoughts and feelings about the past and future taking up space in the mind and ultimately rewiring the brain. Jason Wachob gives a "step-by-step" using Leaf's methods:

"GATHER" information.

This is the time to dig deep into what you're really thinking. Leaf suggests breathwork and meditation. The question is: WHAT do I think? WHAT do I feel?

"REFLECT" on your thoughts.

Now we move into the "why" of it. Once you're relatively aware of what your thoughts and the emotions that follow them are, you can start reverse-engineering where it came from. Look for patterns in your triggers.

JOURNAL your feelings.

It's important to note that actually writing with your hand and not a computer is best. Leaf shares, "There's so much science behind writing," she says. "When you write, you activate certain parts of the brain in a beautiful way."

RE-FRAME:

"Take the sting out of the emotions," Leaf urges. Try to look at it from an aerial view, perhaps by asking yourself: Would this be bothersome if it happened to a friend…or is it just me who it overwhelms?

TAKE ACTION:

Defined as "active reach," this simply means thinking about ways (big or small) that you can take action when your mind starts to negatively wander. For me personally, when an anxious thought pops in, I literally say out loud (when I can), "That thought does not serve me." It's amazing how much it can help.

Again, Leaf isn't the first or only person to suggest these methods. It's similar in some ways to the concept of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which guides people to examine their thoughts, look at the feelings that are a result of those thoughts, look at patterns, and then try new approaches.

Redditors also had some questions on "in the now" as well. On the subreddit r/Meditation, someone asks, "Why is being present so important?" They ask a number of follow-up questions: "What does 'being present' mean in the context of awareness, consciousness, state of mind/being, etc.? Why is the human mind seemingly 'built' or easily resists being in the present moment? If being present is such a better way to exist, then why do we have a limited sense of perceiving time? I'll admit, I'm probably missing something really basic and simple here, but every time I see statements or quotes about 'being present' I sort of get confused because I feel like I'm present all the time whether I'm aware of it or not. So I ask, what does being present mean to you?"

There are many interesting comments, but perhaps the most profound is this:

"It's not so much being in the present. In Buddhism, there's the expression 'the 4th moment.' The 4th moment is 'nowness' — not past, present, or future. If you meditate and do something like watching your breath, you'll find that it's very difficult to pay attention for even a few seconds without spacing out. We cycle through emotional conflict, fantasy, bright ideas, and so on. We imagine that we're conscious beings who think by choice, but it turns out that we're almost entirely unconscious. So meditation cultivates attention — being where you are.
Why is that important? Aside from the most obvious point that we may not want to pass our lives in a vague reverie, there's also the fact that we actually don't enjoy discursive looping and conflicting emotions. They're a generator of anxiety."



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Mental Health

Woman summarizes 4 years of therapy in a 1-minute video and it's actually really helpful

We can all use these nuggets of wisdom.

Photo credit: Canva

Therapy gives people lots of mental tools.

In recent decades, the stigma around going to therapy has plummeted as people recognize the widespread need for mental health help. In fact, for the first time, more Americans are relying on treatment to meet that need than on medication, with around 22 million Americans engaging in talk therapy to work through their struggles, NPR reports.

One of the benefits of therapy is the range of tools you receive for managing your thoughts and feelings, as well as reframing how you interact with them. Many of these tools are accessible to everyone. While there's no substitute for actual therapy, as it may require specific strategies and work to unpack how best to implement those tools in a person's individual circumstances, there are many valuable nuggets of wisdom that people glean from therapy, which are helpful for everyone. And thanks to one woman summarizing what she describes as four years of therapy in one minute, we have a bunch of those nuggets all in one place.

Kathryn of @energygrowthhub's video has nearly 19 million views, and when you see the list of what she shares, it's not hard to see why:

– "You really do become what you think. If you fill your mind with trash, you're going to feel like trash."

– "Emotions—they're not problems, they're signals. Fear shows you what really matters. Anger tells you what boundaries have been crossed. Anxiety means that you're stuck in the future, and it's a reminder that you need to come back to the present."

– "Motivation won't change your life, habits will. When you change your habits, everything shifts."

– "Your past? That is a chapter, not your whole story. Learn from it, but stop living there."

– "When someone triggers you, pause. Because that's a mirror showing you what's still unhealed inside of you."

therapy, counseling, psychology, psychotherapy, wisdom When you feel triggered by someone, it's like a mirror showing you what needs to heal. Photo credit: Canva

– "Control—total illusion. The only real power that you have in this is you and your choices."

– "At the end of the day, it's simple: Your thoughts shape you, your habits build you, and your choices define you."

People were grateful for the clear, concise summary, which addressed so many aspects that resonated with them. Some therapists even chimed in with support, and many said that they wanted to review it over and over:

"And as a therapist, all of this is so true."

"As a therapist for 25 years, yes."

"Wait, slow down, let me write this down. ✍🏽"

"Wait, hold on, I’m making this my alarm clock."

"Probably the most valuable TikTok I’ve ever watched."

"I feel like I owe this lady some money for the therapy session for all the information. I appreciate it."

"I have been watching this on repeat. Too much good stuff in here. Phew."

As an overview, this one-minute synopsis is on point. However, you can delve much deeper into each of the points she shares.

therapy, counseling, psychology, psychotherapy, wisdom There's not substitute for therapy, but having a quick list of basic mental health tools can help. Photo credit: Canva

For instance, on the "You are what you think" front, Lisa Ferentz LCSW-C, DAPA writes in Psychology Today, "As a therapist, I’ve tried to teach clients that their thoughts profoundly impact their moods and shifting emotions, their behavioral choices, their self-confidence, the healthy risks that do or don't get taken, and their feelings of self-worth and self-esteem in all arenas of life. Countless common thoughts can have a negative and lasting impact."

Another tidbit from the video that struck many people was the "Anxiety means that you're stuck in the future" statement. While that's not a complete picture of anxiety, a lot of anxiety is indeed a fear of what might happen in the future. "Some of us even hold a sense that anxiety protects us from the future, often through the misguided belief that if we worry about them, our worst fears won’t happen," Lisa Firestone, Ph.D., shares with Psychology Today. In our effort to control the uncontrollable or be certain about uncertainty, we rehearse tragedy and tell ourselves scary stories, but to what effect? When we get too far ahead of ourselves, we drive ourselves crazy. We aren’t living in the moment or experiencing our actual present circumstances."

All of these therapy gems have many layers, and, of course, people should actually undergo the therapy they need to make the most effective use of them. However, they are still helpful reminders for all of us that our mental states are not set in stone. And putting them into such digestible one-liners allows us to easily keep them in our toolbelt to pull out any time we need them.

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Doctor's unique '4-7-8' relaxation technique could help you fall asleep on-demand

It works much better than staring at the clock.

via Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels
The 4-7-8 technique can help you fall asleep.

Here's a rhetorical, but important question: Are you having a hard time falling asleep? If so, you're not the only one. Falling and staying asleep typically becomes more difficult as adults get older. We spend less time in deep sleep and REM sleep, and we struggle to fight off our worries and anxieties while lying in silence. Did you know there's actually a name for the phenomenon where you keep yourself awake by lying there and wondering why you're still awake? It's called "spectatoring" and it's incredibly frustrating.

Worse yet, the older we get the more likely we are to wake in the night and have trouble falling back asleep. This is why more and more Americans are turning to white noise, melatonin, meditation apps, special pillows, and anything they think can help them get most rest.

Fortunately, a doctor has shared the “most powerful” relaxation technique he knows, and it doesn’t require any equipment or cost a dime.


sleep, dr. andrew weil, fall asleep fast, relaxation techniques, breathing techniques, calm, anxiety, science, meditation Ever stare at the clock and repeatedly wonder why you can't fall asleep? It's called "spectatoring." Photo by Mpho Mojapelo on Unsplash

Dr. Andrew Weil has dubbed it the 4-7-8 method and it’s backed up by science.

Dr. Weil is an expert in integrative medicine and the founder and director of the Andrew Weil Center for Integrative Medicine at the University of Arizona.

The technique is simple:

  1. Breathe in through your nose while you count to 4.
  2. Hold your breath while you count to 7.
  3. Exhale while you count to 8.

It's a unique protocol, especially when compared to another popular technique like Box Breathing. Box Breathing calls for an inhale, hold, exhale, and another hold of equal time (4 seconds). The extended exhale, in particular, is what makes Dr. Weil's 4-7-8 so original.

Here's Dr. Weil explaining his method:

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Dr. Weil says the method creates a "very pleasant, altered state of consciousness" that you may not experience the first time but will come as a "reward" of regular practice. Dr. Weil insists that the 4-7-8 technique is a practice, and you must do four breath cycles at least twice a day to get the benefits. "After a month, you can increase to 8 breath cycles if you're comfortable with it," adding that's the "absolute maximum."

Dr. Weil says that 4 to 6 weeks of doing the practice can lower heart rate, improve blood pressure, digestion and circulation and can promote sleep. A study published in Physiological Reports agrees, saying that practicing the 4-7-8 technique reduces heart rate and blood pressure for several minutes. It's important to note, though, that research is limited on the longterm benefits of 4-7-8 and experts urge us not to overhype it as more than it is.

4-7-8 is also an easy, fast, and effective way to help you fall asleep.


sleep, dr. andrew weil, fall asleep fast, relaxation techniques, breathing techniques, calm, anxiety, science, meditation Deep, intentional breathing may jumpstart melatonin production, helping us sleep. Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash

"If you get up in the middle of the night for any reason, it is the most effective anti-anxiety technique that I've found,” Dr. Weil says.

Deep breathing, interestingly enough, has been shown to increase melatonin production in our bodies; that's the hormone that signals to our body that it's time to sleep. Combined with its ability to calm our mind and body, it's no wonder that intentional breathing exercises can put us to sleep in no time.

Why does deep breathing help us calm down and relax so effectively? There are a few reasons. First, when we're stressed or anxious, our breathing naturally becomes more shallow and irregular. Breaking that anxious breath pattern signals to our body that things are OK, that we're in control. Counting and being mindful of our breath also gives our mind something neutral to focus on instead of the usual chaotic images, intrusive thoughts, or worries. Third, deep breath settles down the part of our nervous system that controls our "fight-or-flight" response — and helps with elevated heart rate and muscle tension.

Remember again that 4-7-8 breathing is a practice. It can be used situationally to great effect, but for the best benefits its founder urges you to try it every single day for a cycle of 2-8 cycles.

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

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Love Stories

Man's response to his girlfriend's hormonal breakdown taught 2.7 million people how to love again

"If men ever wondered what women actually need in a relationship, this is it."

Credit: TikTok @megannlandersonn

Megan Anderson and boyfriend Alec Olmstead are walking green flags.

Amid the endless scroll of relationship theatrics and red flag compilations, a quiet moment of genuine tenderness has managed to captivate millions. When Portland creator Megan Anderson shared what could have been just another tearful breakdown, she inadvertently offered the Internet a masterclass in what love actually looks like when things get real.

Her TikTok—now viewed by over 2.7 million people—didn't just go viral; it induced a collective sigh online, and sparked a crucial conversation about emotional intelligence, hormonal realities, and the revolutionary simplicity of showing up for someone without trying to "fix" them.


@megannlandersonn ps I think I’m in my luteal phase
♬ original sound - megannlandersonn


The moment that started it all

The video opens with Anderson, 28, in tears after what she describes as a "crash-out" morning. Rather than offering the usual male repertoire of awkward back pats or "can-do" platitudes, her boyfriend (now fiancé), Alec Olmstead, responds with something that stopped millions of viewers in their tracks: emotional intelligence wrapped in a thoughtful roadmap to help her reset her day.

"Start with the treadmill," he suggests, his voice steady as a metronome. There's not a trace of derision or belittlement here: this isn't just exercise-as-medicine advice; it's the opening movement of what TikTokers would later dub his "reset day symphony." Olmstead crafts a ritual of renewal rather than a mere to-do list: "In the shower, tell yourself, 'I'm washing away every bit of bad energy for the day.' Then, your day will restart," he coaches, convincingly.


couple, happiness, emotional, intelligence, communication A couple on a charming picnic date. Photo credit: Canva

For his grand finale, Olmstead delivers what can only be described as a walk-off grand slam in the stadium of love: "Take the car to 23rd and shop. I'll give you money."

Before she can protest, he swoops in with the cherry on top. "When you're done, come get me. I'll have everything ready—blanket, food, paints," he promises. "We'll have a little picnic and paint. Does that work?"

Anderson beams back. She nods.

"We're going to reset our day and have an amazing day," Olmstead tells her, assuredly. "I love you."

No judgment, no fixing—just presence and a path forward.

Cue: Swooning.


via GIPHY


Why this response hits different

The brilliance of Olmstead's intervention isn't merely in his choice of words, but in his emotional competency and perfect execution. In the video's caption, Anderson mentions she might be in her "luteal phase"—that monthly hormonal rollercoaster where progesterone peaks and emotions run amok—and yet, her boyfriend doesn't miss a beat.

Not once did he resort to the tired "Is it that time of the month?" eye-roll that's been the downfall of lesser men since time immemorial. Instead, he navigated her emotional weather system with the finesse of a seasoned storm chaser, walking confidently into the eye of the storm with a reminder: "I've got you."

"I was emotional but also smiling inside, because he knows me so well," Anderson told Newsweek. She adores his suggestions, as demonstrated in the video, because she knows they "always stem from such a sincere desire for my well-being."


@megannlandersonn hi I’m Alec 👋
♬ original sound - megannlandersonn

Therapists refer to this as emotional intelligence—the ability to recognize, understand, and respond appropriately to emotional cues. Research indicates that this type of supportive partnership can have a profoundly positive impact on mental health and relationship satisfaction.


The Internet's reaction

The comments section erupted into a digital town square where relationship POVs collided. Women tagged partners with pointed "take notes" comments while single viewers lamented with theatrical despair.

"I didn't think this was real, and I literally read and watch Hallmark movies in my spare time," wrote one commenter. Another simply added: "Looked at my man and sighed…"


via GIPHY

And of course, there was well-deserved admiration. "Who is his mother? She deserves a reward!!" someone enthused.

"When he knows how to calm your storms and find resolutions instead of making you feel bad for having big emotions. HUGE WALKING GREEN FLAG ENERGY!" replied another.

One commenter put it very simply: "If men ever wondered what women actually need in a relationship, this is it," they wrote, garnering over 80,000 likes.


via GIPHY

The ripple effect went far beyond mere admiration. Women flooded the comments with their own luteal phase war stories—moments of feeling emotionally hijacked by their hormones and left to fend for themselves. "The luteal phase is literally a monthly personal hell," groaned one person. Another offered advice: In case anyone hasn't heard of this yet, taking an antihistamine has helped with my meltdowns."

What emerged was a digital chorus saying: "This happens to me too." In an Internet landscape where menstrual health often remains shrouded in euphemisms and bizarre commercials, this comment section became a revolutionary space—normalizing what has been whispered about for generations.


The science behind the support

Olmsted's response, while sweet, also emphasizes the importance of emotional intelligence in relationships. Research suggests that the most effective way to support someone in distress is to both acknowledge their feelings and offer practical help. He nailed both effortlessly.

What we can learn from his response:

Moving the body, moving the mind: His suggestion to hit the treadmill wasn't just about endorphins—exercise has been proven to regulate mood and reduce stress hormones, especially during times of hormonal fluctuation.

The shower reboot: That simple "wash away the bad energy" ritual? Pure genius. Mindful transition rituals are the emotional equivalent of turning your phone off and back on again—a psychological reset button when your internal operating system freezes.


couple, happiness, emotional, intelligence, communication Couple painting together. Photo credit: Canva

Art therapy without the co-pay: Anderson and Olmstead's picnic and paint date is the perfect psychological wellness one-two punch: social connection with a side of self-expression.

Partners, not saviors: Notice how Olmstead didn't try to swoop in and fix everything? (Well, the Internet sure did.) No one wants to be ordered around or made to feel as if their problems can be fixed with a wave of a wand. Unless they can be…in which case, wave away. Partnership, not paternalism, is the key here. Olmstead instead offered a steady presence and created a framework where they both could navigate Anderson's emotional weather together.


A lesson in showing up

As it turns out, this wasn't just any random Tuesday for the couple. Anderson later revealed that this tender moment happened right before Olmstead dropped to one knee with a ring. Talk about emotional whiplash.

"What I didn't know at the time was that Alec had been planning a proposal for months," Anderson told Newsweek. After three and a half years together, Olmstead flew both their families in for the big surprise. "It was such a special and unforgettable moment," she gushed.


And yes, they actually followed through with Olmstead's reset day blueprint. "My favorite part was the picnic at sunset where we painted together," Anderson remembers. "It was so sweet…I feel so grateful to always have him as a cheerleader in my corner."

In our fast-paced, hyper-stimulated world, what Olmstead gave Anderson that fateful day—and the Internet—was a masterclass in emotional partnership. He heard her. He saw her. He accepted her at every step. Then, he built a bridge, bringing her from her darkness into the daylight, brick by brick, simply through the act of being there.

No heroics required.

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