upworthy

dads

Canva Photos

Having kids decreases your quality of life and marital satisfaction, but that doesn't mean you can't be happy.

For decades now there's been one great question looming over society: Does having kids make you happier?

Most studies show that, perhaps surprisingly, people without children tend to be happier, or have more life satisfaction. And when you really think about it, it makes sense why. Being child-free eases your finances and allows you more time to pursue friends, romance, hobbies, travel, adventure, and career aspirations. Having children makes your immediate quality of life and marital satisfaction go down temporarily, or in some cases, permanently. The Surgeon General even recently issued an advisory warning that parental stress is a major public health issue.

But there are three factors that might turn the tide. In the right circumstances, the joy and immense satisfaction of raising children can overcome all the associated stressors and lead to incredible joy and happiness. Other studies from around the globe prove that you might just be a happy parent if:

parents, parenting, moms, dads, children, kids, family, love, stress, happiness, studies, researchWhen your kids grow up and move out, it's like you've won: That's when the happiness really kicks in. Photo by Esther Ann on Unsplash

1. Your kids have moved out

A study from Heidelberg University in Germany specifically looked at happiness in people aged 50 and older. What they found makes a lot of sense.

People who have children were happier than those without, but only in the older age group, and only when those grown children no longer lived at home. Drilling down, the research found that when children become a source of "social enjoyment" rather than stress, life satisfaction increases dramatically while symptoms of depression decrease.

You can think of it as finally getting to enjoy the fruits of your hard labor. After spending decades teaching, nurturing, and shaping your children, your twilight years is when you get to really enjoy them as fully-fledged people who enrich your lives. While there's lots of joy and fun and happiness to be found in the younger years, those years are also marred with financial and other stressors which can subdue our overall happiness.

2. You have a lot of money AND good work/life balance


parents, parenting, moms, dads, children, kids, family, love, stress, happiness, studies, researchParents struggle to make enough money while devoting time to caring for and enjoying their kids. Photo by Tim Gouw on Unsplash

One study out of Bocconi University in Milan, Italy found that "Parents are happier than non-parents ... as long as parents feel they can handle their work pressures to find work/life balance and they have the financial and other resources they need."

Oh, is that all?

Some estimates say it costs roughly $24,000 per year to raise a child, on average. A family with three kids would need to make about $75,000 just to cover the absolute bare minimum food and childcare costs — yowza! The costs are more when they're young (daycare, childcare, diapers, toys) but it never stops being expensive. Parenting is also extremely time-consuming, requiring several hours per day of childcare and extra housework for most families.

The impossible conundrum that many parents find themselves in is somehow having enough money and enough time to do it all. It's easy to see that if you can somehow solve that puzzling equation, yeah, you'd be a heck of a lot happier. Easier said than done!

3. You don't live in the United States

parents, parenting, moms, dads, children, kids, family, love, stress, happiness, studies, researchParents in Spain, Norway, Sweden, Portugal, and more are enjoying more time off to spend with family. Photo by Mauro Lima on Unsplash

In 2016, The Council of Contemporary Families wanted to look into whether parental discontent was a global phenomenon or not. So, they studied parents and non-parents from 22 different countries to see if they could find any differences in life satisfaction.

The report found that parents in countries like Norway, Hungary, Portugal, Finland, Sweden and Spain were shown to be happier than non-parents.

And yet, according to Time Magazine, "Of the 22 countries the researchers studied, America has the biggest happiness differential between parents and the child-free."

The report specifically cites the high cost of childcare for young children and the limited amount of paid leave Americans receive—and not just parental leave, but simple vacation time. Countries like Spain and Portugal mandate anywhere from 22-30 paid leave days per year, while Americans average about 11. That allows for significantly less time to actually enjoy time with your kids, and has a big impact on our happiness, or lack thereof.

Of course, happiness can be measured in a lot of different ways. Is happiness a blissful feeling of freedom and joy? Or is it a deep satisfaction and sense of purpose in your life? Or maybe a combination of the two?

What the overall body of research seems to show is that there are many different paths to happiness, whether you choose to have children or not. Finding joy and satisfaction in your life as a parent might be considered "hard-mode." There are a lot of obstacles working against you, especially in America, but the research is beginning to give us some clues about how we can get there.

Canva Photos

Melissa Beeler's mother-in-law was absolutely fried after watching the kids for a week.

Parents need a break. They need a little quiet, a little adult time, a little respite where tiny hands aren't grabbing at them and demanding snacks. They need time for romance and connection with their partner. It's all extremely necessary for them to come back with a full cup and actually be a good parent to their kids. Family vacations don't count, as they're hardly relaxing for parents. It's just the usual rigors of parenting in an exotic location! Sometimes, all parents just need to get away by themselves, even for just a short date night.

Grandparents, to the rescue! Well, sometimes, anyway. There's been a lot of debate in the news lately about why grandparents are spending less time wit the grandkids (is it called babysitting?) than ever. Part of it is that more and more older adults of grandparenting age are still working and don't have the free time to provide childcare. Those that are willing and able to help out are absolute superheroes. But even heroes have their limits.

Melissa Beeler recently shared footage on TikTok that all parents can relate to. As she and her husband pull up after returning from vacation, grandma (who has been watching the kids for a week) has the most hilarious reaction.


grandparents, parents, parenting, kids, babysitting, family, love, grandma, grandpaGrandma Mimi needed a drink after the week she had.Giphy

Simply put, grandma (or Mimi, as they call her) was ready to hightail it out of there the second mom and dad got home. And no one can blame her.

Melissa and her husband Ryan had left Mimi in charge of not only three kids, but two puppies, while they went on a weeklong cruise. That's right, one whole week.

Understandably, Mimi is shown quite literally booking it to her car. Her bags were ready to go. She had one foot out the door. And once Melissa and her husband were within sight, she was gone. The speed at which she made her escape would have made Usain Bolt proud.

"Where are you going, Mimi?" Beeler calls out. "Mimi's ready to go," she mumbles to her husband, then adding, "Thank you!"

All parents will recognize Mimi's exhausted, frantic escape walk shown in the video:


@melissabeeler2

Her bags were packed & she was ready to go. ✌️ #couples #parents #husbandwife #funny #relatable

The video went viral on TikTok where viewers just couldn't get enough of their new hero, Mimi. Commenters had plenty of jokes about Mimi's mental state after a week of taking care of 5 unruly creatures:

"Grandma is going straight to the bar"

"Mimi will probably be right back over there tomorrow, but today she's done."

"She doesn’t care how your vacation was she doesn’t want to hear about it."

"She said don’t call me I will call you"

"Mimi needs a whole pitcher margarita"

Some people had similar stories of their own:

grandparents, parents, parenting, kids, babysitting, family, love, grandma, grandpaThree kids is a lot for any grandma to handleGiphy

"My aunt watched my 4yo while I went to a wedding over the weekend. I came back and she said 'I love her to death but she and I need time apart for a looong while after this'"

"My Mom watched my three for 3 hours while I went to a funeral, they were 2, 1, 1. She had her jacket and purse on when I walked in the door, the literally pushed past me in the doorway saying, 'It’s too much, LOUISE, too much.' I didn’t hear from her for just over a month"

"Haha! This is what my mom does too! She’s enjoyed her time but now it’s time to go"

You love to see the dedication. As many commenters pointed out, grandparents like Mimi love to be involved, help out, and spend time with the grandkids, but when they're done, they're done. That doesn't mean they won't come right back to spoil them some more when they've regained their energy.

The reaction also illuminates how parents feel pretty much all the time and why the Surgeon General put out an advisory about the mental health of America's moms and dads. If Mimi was wrecked after a week, imagine how mom and dad feel!

Obviously, running after little kids is a lot more taxing when you're in your 60s or 70s. And yes, yes, of course, if you choose to have kids, you know what you're signing up for. But that doesn't make it easy. No siree.

The Beelers know exactly how lucky they are to have such a wonderful grandma who's just a phone call away, though they might need to give Mimi a much deserved break before their next weeklong vacation.

Parenting

Mom shares 4-part secret to making her home "the house" for her son and his friends.

Con: They eat all your food. Pro: You'll learn to know and trust the people they spend their time with.

hi.im.amywhite/Instagram

I grew up in "the house." In high school, my home was the designated place where my friends gathered, sometimes in big groups, sometimes just my small core squad. My three best friends spent the night there almost every Friday and/or Saturday night for four years straight. We devoured Totino's frozen pizzas by the dozens, inhaled soda, and laid waste to any snacks or leftovers that were brave enough to exist somewhere in the kitchen. Not only that, but my house was pretty small — four teenage boys took up a lot of space in the living room (the whole thing) and made a lot of noise playing video games deep into the night. It must have driven my parents and older brothers crazy. It's a wonder anyone put up with it.

Or, so I thought when I was younger. When I became a parent myself, I started to understand a little more why my mom and dad were so willing to host and feed me and all my friends every single weekend. Why the outrageous grocery bill and constant chaos in the house was probably a small price to pay.

One mom has perfectly encapsulated why turning her home into "the house" for her son and his friends was so valuable and exactly how she did it.


Giphy

Amy White shared a reel on Instagram showing her college-aged son hanging in her dining room with a group of friends playing cards. The text overlay reads "What makes your kids high school friends want to come over, play cards & spend the night on their College Christmas Break". I think most parents can agree that we want our kids to keep coming home as long as possible! So how exactly did White pull this off?

Her explanation in the caption was spot-on.

First, White says that you have to start early. Become "the hang out house" in high school or even earlier. Then you have a better chance of holding onto the mantle into your kid's college years.

Next, be ready to stock the house with snacks and drinks, and don't make a fuss when your kid's friends have at it. "The kids knew we had food," she writes, "BUT they also knew I didn't care what they had. They knew they could eat anything in my pantry and fridge."

Third, and this is a big one, don't mistake being the "cool house" for being "the house." Some parents choose to allow their underage kids and friends to drink alcohol under their supervision, but you don't have to bend your morals and the law to lure the squad over to your place. Pizza and Coke is plenty to keep most teens happy. "We were not the house that served alcohol or even allowed the kids to bring alcohol to our house. And Guess What?? The kids still came and wanted to hang at our house!"

Fourth, always say Yes (as often as possible, anyway) when your kids want to have friends over. "They know my answer is 99% of the time YES," White writes. "You have to have your kids take the leadership of offering your home and if your home was 'open' to their friends in high school, they know it will be 'open' to their friends in college."

As a bonus tip, White pleas with parents not to worry about the mess having friends over makes. "I love a clean house and organization, BUT I would much rather have a crazy messy house for the kids where memories are made than a quiet house with nothing going on just to keep my house 'clean.'"

White writes, "It's worth being 'the house', so let go of control & get to know your kids friends." Commenters agreed.

White's video went viral to the tune of 8.5 million views and hundreds of comments. Parents shared their own experiences of what it's like being the default hang out house.

"Our house was the high school hangout for my son and friends... every weekend... I loved it!! Miss it now that they are all college graduates and have moved away. I love seeing them when they do come home for the holidays"

"A wise man once said don't be the house with the alcohol. Be the house with the food."


Teenagers will ravage your kitchenMichael Richards Eating GIFGiphy

"Amy 1000% agree!!! My house is full of teenagers on the weekends and I love every bit of it. Even though I wake up to a kitchen that looked much different from when I left it"

"we never allowed alcohol, drugs, bad language, always respectful, and guess what, our house was always the house where the kids hung out. First my daughter, then my son. Through grade school, high school, then when my kids went out of state for college their college friends would come spend a couple weeks during the summer. I always thought of it this way, I loved knowing my kids friends and, who knows, maybe some of those kids, especially during the younger years, just maybe those kids just needed an adult to care. Anyway, it was always fun to have them here!"

"It used to crack me up when my daughter would bring over a bunch of her friends (girls and boys) in high school and instead of hanging out in the family room they all wanted to crowd into either the kitchen with me or our tiny office and happily share all the gossip with me."

Experts say that knowing your kids' friends, and their parents, can have huge benefits. Not only will it bring you the peace of mind of knowing where your kid is and who they're with when they get to those crucial high school years, it has been shown to tangibly improve kids ability to create positive relationships and problem-solve collaboratively. Plus, it can actually be really fun! Kids and teens are the funniest, silliest, most interesting people on the planet. Having a house full of them is messy and loud, but it's always a good time.

Just "Don’t feel bad if your house isn’t the chosen house," one commenter reminds us. "Just be happy your kid has a good group of friends and be thankful they have somewhere safe to hang out."

This article originally appeared in February

Canva Photos

These dang kids and their dang screens! I'm loathe to admit that I've had this thought a lot lately myself. When it comes to planning our kids' summer break, a part of my brain assumes they'll just want to play outside with their friends most of the day; making up games, riding bikes, coming inside to grab popsicles. The stuff I did at their age. But in reality it hasn't worked out like that. Most kids in the neighborhood are either in camps, or they're inside watching TV or playing video games.

When I try to encourage my kids to go outside more, I get a lot of grumbling and push back. Is it possible this generation has just... forgotten how to play? Are the phones and tablets to blame for this strange phenomenon? One dad recently had the brilliant idea to take his kids to the park, take away their phones, and force them to go play. The results were... not exactly what he was hoping for.


Kids these daysGiphy

"It was a nice day outside," Charles Lavea told Newsweek. "I thought we could go get food and eat at the park. I took my daughters' devices, phones and iPads, off them and left them at home. I wanted them to get some sun and fresh air, so we went."

In footage shared by Laveas on TikTok, you can see what happened next. HIs two girls are shown sitting on swings, forlornly swaying back and forth, not knowing what to do with themselves. You can tell they're just disassociating until dad's weird little experiment is over. They would rather be anywhere else in the world. Specifically, they'd like to check in on what's going on on their phones. It's all over their faces and in their sad, hunched over body language.

Watch the comical video here:

@lifewithlaveas

This generation man 🤣🤣🤦 I remember growing up all we did was play at the park with the kids in the neighbourhood 🤷 #lifewithlaveas #girldad #funnymoments #trendingsound #titanicflutefail #tiktokparent #viralvideos #fyp

Commenters had a field day, and most agreed: Kids "these days" don't know how to play outside.

"Bro when I was that age me and my sista be seeing who can swing the highest and jump off the swing on our feet"

"They would ratha watch other kids playing from there devices"

"Kids these days won't know the struggles we been through since the 80s - 90s kids been through with no phones, gaming pc, iPhone, Samsung, tablets, Facebook, tiktok, YouTube & Instagram wasn't invented. Even internet was hard to get when we use to have dial-up internet back then."

"Honestly the kids nowadays have no idea how to play outside eh? My kids too 😂🙈 I used to run out the door and never came back til the street lights turned on."

The data backs it up. There's been a shocking decline in often kids play outside in the last couple of decades. One study estimates only 6% of kids aged 9-13 regularly play outside unsupervised.

But is it so simple as to say that phones and tablets have rewired our kid's brains and the fun of playing outside can't keep up with the quick and easy dopamine hits found on screens? That's part of the problem, sure. But did you know that only around 20% of kids walk or bike to school, compared to 70% of parents who did so when they were young? That's not kids' fault, and it's definitely not because they're in their room playing on their iPads. It's because our culture has stoked so much fear in parents that our kids will be kidnapped or hit by a car that we rarely let them out of our sight anymore.

Kids have less unstructured free time than they did in the past, too. Your average kid is enrolled in more sports, clubs, and extracurriculars than ever before. Those are generally good things on their own — these activities challenge them, teach them new skills, and help them make new friends. But it doesn't leave them a lot of time to flex their imagination and invent silly outside games with other kids, and that time is important too.

It's easy to grumble about how kids are obsessed with their devices — and of course, genuinely laugh when dads like Lavea show that their kids barely know how to use a swingset — but change is going to have to start with us parents. The screens aren't going anywhere. Time spent playing outside is so good for a child's mind, body, and soul. We may just have to awkwardly force them into it a little more often, and that might mean pushing our own fears aside, or (the scariest thing of all) putting our own phones down to lead the way, too.

This article originally appeared in February