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Dads to Doulas

In 2017, Brad Edwards and his partner were expecting twins. By all accounts, it was a "normal" pregnancy, and Edwards assumed it would be smooth sailing when they got to the hospital. Tragically, and unexpectedly, both of his sons were delivered stillborn within a week of each other.

The statistics around black pregnancy in America are harrowing. Black women are three times more likely to die from pregnancy complications than white women, while the infant mortality rate is more than twice as high. The reasons are vast, and include systemic racism and inequalities in the healthcare system. A lot of things can go wrong.

One thing that can make a difference is parent education. So when the couple got pregnant again a few years later, Edwards vowed to never feel "helpless" in the delivery room ever again.

“Through my experience losing my twins, I realized that there was a lot I didn't know, and there was a lot that I didn't take the time to educate myself on,” Edwards told St. Louis Magazine.

“So by the time another opportunity came, when I was preparing to have my baby girl, I had become familiar with what a doula is. One of my good friends is a doula. I said, ‘Alright, I need you to help me create a playbook. What do I need to look for? What should her levels be? What should I be looking for with the placenta?’ So it was just a few different things I wanted to be educated on to make sure that I could be not only knowledgeable but also an advocate for her, because I know that Black women die at much higher rates than any other race.”

Edwards' daughter Carielle was born in 2020, but not without a scare. Edwards' partner dealt with severe preeclampsia — a high blood pressure condition that can be fatal — and having a doula on hand to walk him through what to do proved to be a lifesaver.

That's when he decided that dads needed way more training before getting anywhere near the delivery room. Edwards worked with trained professionals to create a 6-week course called "Dads to Doulas."

A man practices doula techniques on a baby dollDads to Doulas

Doulas are helpers that assist mothers through the process, and immediately after, of childbirth. Unlike midwives, they don't perform any medical procedures, but they're knowledgable in comfort measures, advocacy, knowing what can go wrong, being prepared, and more. Having a doula on hand during birth can decrease the risk of complications or certain health problems in the baby, especially for high risk pregnancies.

In other words, doulas can save lives. But less than 6% of doulas are men, and there wasn't much of an existing framework to teach untrained men everything they need to know in such a short amount of time.

But now there is. The course, offered digitally and in-person in St. Louis, is free to the public and takes dads from zero to doula-level knowledge of childbirth so they can be an advocate for mom and baby the entire way through.

The first classes cover the basics, communication activities, and discuss home births and hospital births.

The more advanced classes work on partner advocacy, birth plans, physical comfort measures, and emergency safety.

They also cover postpartum depression in great detail, for moms and dads alike.

This education is an absolute game-changer for men who, let's face it, may not start off knowing very basic biological facts about how women's bodies work. Hiring a doula can be extremely expensive, so getting dad up to speed can be an important and even lifesaving investment.

“I want men to understand: This isn’t just a woman thing,” Edwards says. “This is about the family unit as a whole.”

Dads to Doulas isn't the only course of its kind.

A man with his daughters sits at a table listening to doula trainingDads to Doulas

More and more training programs like it are popping up all over the country. Dad Doula Bootcamp in Kansas City is another big one picking up steam.

We've come a long way when it comes to expecting dads. In the 50s and 60s, dads were actually invited to have a seat in the waiting room or even go to a nearby bar and wait for the baby to be born!

Now, more and more men want to get educated and get involved. Organizations like Dads to Doulas make that possible. And it's leading to better outcomes for babies and mothers.

Soothing a crying baby can be a challenge.

Everyone who's been a parent knows that babies cry and it's not always obvious why. You can run through the list of possibilities and try to address each one—hungry, thirsty, sleepy, uncomfortable, gassy, wanting to be held, needing a diaper change—and they still might cry.

Babies cry for a reason, but because they can't talk, they can't tell us what the reason is. Once all of the logical reasons have been eliminated, all you can do is try different things to see what helps—bouncing or rocking, going outside, taking a bath or some other distraction.

And thanks to researchers and a musician from the U.K., "The Happy Song" might be worth adding to the Crying Baby Toolbox.


"The Happy Song," performed by Imogen Heap, was specifically designed to include elements that induce happiness in babies. Researchers surveyed 2,300 parents in the U.K. to find out what sounds made their babies happy, and the top answers including sneezing (51%), animal noises (23%), baby laughter (28%) and other sounds ultimately got incorporated into the song.

As the university shared on its website when the song was created in 2016:

"The two-minute tune takes us on a bouncing melodic journey of cute lyrics and funny sounds - from the sky to the ocean, on a bike, submarine and even a rocket. 4/4 tempo was chosen as it is the most popular and easy to dance to. Imogen composed the song in the key of E flat as it was the key Scout sang a melody in on their first studio session."

The song was tested on dozens of babies and adjusted until they had the perfect mix of happy. It was truly a collaborative effort, with Dr. Caspar Addyman and Professor Lauren Stewart, C&G baby club, Imogen Heap, advertising agency BETC London and music consultancy Felt Music all contributing to the project.The final result even includes Heap's husband whistling and the sounds of a Pomeranian dog.

Parents have been sharing how "The Happy Song" stops crying in its tracks, and it's almost miraculous how well it works for a whole lot of babes out there.

Watch how this young baby stops crying as soon as he hears the song start to play:


@salliehasemeier01

“The Happy Song” by Imogen Heap is literally MAGIC. #firsttimemom #babyboy #4monthsold #fyp

Here are twins that were getting fussy in their high chairs, but as soon as they heard the beginning of "The Happy Song," they stopped:


And yet another baby in full fuss mode who immediately calmed down when the song played:


@lana.kearney

I am a wizard and can make your baby stop crying #babyhack #thehappysong #parentinghack

A lot of parents have found the song particularly helpful in the car. Some babies love to ride in the car and others hate it, but when a baby cries while strapped into a car seat, there's not a whole lot you can do. It's not like you can safely pick them up and bounce them on your knee in a moving vehicle. And if you're the person driving, you can't even really reach the baby to soothe them any other way. So having this song in your pocket to pull out during a screeching car ride could be a lifesaver, as it was for this mom:

@whataboutaub

Does this work for your baby??? #baby #newbaby #parentingtips #parentinghack #pregnant #newborn #happysong #happy #roadtrip #family #mom #newmom #momhack #momtips #fyp #trending

Parents in the comments share how much the song has helped them when nothing else seemed to work to calm down their wee ones.

"Haha we listen to this song 100x a day. 😭"

"My baby’s favorite song. Always helps calm her."

"This is a bop! not as annoying as other songs for kids 🤣 sing it constantly."

"I discovered this before my baby was even born, I’m not even joking when I say I owe Imogen a check at this point because this song has never failed to calm my baby boy down. He’s 12 months now."

"Is you memorize the song he’ll stop when you start singing it to🥰 at least my son did lol."

"Is the only thing that makes my 10 month old stay still for a diaper change. The negative? It’s in my head 24/7."

"In home daycare provider! I turn it on when they’re getting super upset and it works!!"

A few parents shared that it doesn't seem to work for their baby, but most pledge their eternal gratitude to Imogen Heap and the others who were behind the song's creation. If you've had a crying baby, you know what you'd give to find the magical thing that might get them to stop and the desperation you feel when it seems like nothing is working.

With 62 million views on YouTube, this song is clearly working for a whole lot of folks. It's definitely worth a try, at least.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Family

Experienced dads share the 'superpowers' fatherhood bestowed upon them

From ninja-like reflexes to upping your grilling game…

Your grilling powers enhance exponentially.

One of the little known perks of becoming a parent is that you develop honest-to-goodness, real-life superpowers. Those of us who have physically borne babies know this on a primal level, and mom superpowers are naturally touted for their miraculous nature. For dads, those powers tend to emerge a little later and in different ways.

Dad superpowers may not involve growing an entire human being from scratch inside their own bodies, but they've still got them. Some may overlap with mom powers, but there are certain things that dads do that are uniquely oriented to fatherhood.

A soon-to-be-father tapped Reddit with this adorably curious question: "My girlfriend is due with our first-born in 6 weeks and I already feel the power of the dad-joke getting stronger with every day. What other superpowers and abilities have I got to look forward to?" and the dads delivered.


The ability to sleep and watch TV at the same time

Sleep becomes a bit of a mystery once you have kids. You basically never sleep but also are always sleeping.

"Being able to be asleep yet also still be watching that on TV."

"Can confirm. My dad would be draped over the couch full-on snoring throughout the entirety of a movie he's never seen and could give you a full summary of the movie so far without ever opening his eyes."

"That's because while caring for a newborn, you don't sleep. Instead, when given the opportunity, you go directly into a coma."

"Been a dad for seven years now, this superpower just came to me over the summer."

"Dad snoring loudly. Reach for remote—'Don’t touch that I am watching that show.'"

Sensing when a kid is doing something they shouldn't

You gain the ability to interpret silence and certain sounds as trouble with 95% accuracy.

"You will be able to sense when your child has done something wrong from miles away."

"Finally some peace and quiet... Wait."

"This, my 3 year old really thinks I have eyes in the back of my head."

"When my kids play together I can tell by the sound of the laughs if someone is doing something naughty. I like fun, but that sounds like too much fun."

Spouse annoyance

Blame it on the sleep deprivation, but it's a thing.

"Your ability to annoy your significant other will never be stronger."

"This is easily the most accurate."

"UNLIMITED POWAHHHHH."

"Pro tip after she has the baby mention how hard that day was on you."

Grill, baby, grill

Gas or charcoal? You'll have an opinion, believe it.

"Your grilling game."

"My father grilled, my father's father grilled, and now it is my time."

"This spatula has been passed down for generations..."

"The grill is a refuge away from the house and kids. When it's not enough, get a smoker. 'Sorry sweetie, it's a 12-hour brisket recipe that needs careful monitoring. I'll be outside; you watch the kids.'"

Adoration of your offspring

Even if you think you don't like kids much, your own kids will be amazing. And vice versa.

"The ability to be incredibly funny and interesting to your kid regardless of how crippling your social anxiety is."

"This for real. Everyone, including me, pretty much thought I wouldn't be such a great dad because I generally don't like people. Don't like talking to them, don't like listening to them, don't like being in the same room with them. I can talk to my kids forever about nothing and love it."

"One's own kid is the most wonderful, fascinating creature ever. I sometimes think that other children aren't that special. Great, yes, but meh. Then I look at mine and realize that -for someone else- they are probably weird and not-so-special. But to me, they're the most amazing thing ever."

Ninja-like reflexes

Probably the most literal superpower you'll have. Literally out here saving lives.

"Weirdly fast reflexes."

"Dad reflexes save more kids than crash helmets and knee pads."

"Based on my son, they develop because babies like to launch themselves headfirst out of your arms believing they can fly like an eagle."

"I caught my daughter midway thru falling down a flight of stairs, scared the crap out of her but no harm done."

media.giphy.com

"I caught my kid by the ankle, an inch from smashing his face into a Toys R’ Us floor. Turns out when the 2 year old is standing in the corner of the cart and you take a turn just to show your wife that yes, he is in fact perfectly safe standing up like that, you’d better be ready to make sure he doesn’t die when you take a aisle corner too hard."

Thermostat telepathy

You will become one with the temperature in your home, and any deviation from what it should be will immediately result in your family members being accused of touching the thermostat.

"You will know, as soon as you walk in the house, if someone has been monkeying with the thermostat."

"Telepathically being able to sense the thermostat being touched."

"You will be in tune with the house's thermostats like you've never been before."

"You will become hyper aware of when anyone touches the thermostat. You will literally feel the money being ripped from your wallet."

"Once you start yelling at others for touching the thermostat you’ll know you’ve reached peak Dad-ness."

Having kids is hard, but superpowers are a fun perk. Especially when we can use them to entertain or annoy our children.

Family

A letter to the woman who told me to stay in my daughter's life after seeing my skin.

'I'm not a shiny unicorn. There are plenty of black men like me who love fatherhood.'

Doyin Richards

Dad and daughters take a walk through Disneyland.

True
Fathers Everywhere

To a stranger I met at a coffee shop a few years ago who introduced me to what my life as a parent would be like:

My "welcome to black fatherhood moment" happened five years ago, and I remember it like it happened yesterday.

I doubt you'll remember it, though — so let me refresh your memory.



It was a beautiful Saturday morning in Los Angeles in 2011, and I decided to walk my then 3-month-old daughter to the corner Starbucks. That's when I met you — a stylish older white woman who happened to be ahead of me in line.

You were very friendly and offered up many compliments about how cute my daughter was, and I agreed wholeheartedly with you. She's cute.

But after you picked up your drink, you delivered this parting shot:

"No offense, but it's not often that I see black guys out with their kids, but it's such a wonderful thing," she said. "No matter what happens, I hope you stay involved in her life."

And then you put on your designer sunglasses and left.

Meanwhile, I was like...

celebrity, racism, challenges, stigmas

That was unexpected.

GIF from "Live with Kelly and Michael."

Here's the thing: I'm not angry with you, but I want you to understand the impact you had on my life.

Do I think you're a mean-spirited racist? No, I don't. Actually, I bet you're a really nice lady.

But let's be real for a second: Your view on black dads was tough for me to stomach, and I want you to know a few things about what it's really like to be me.

1. I want you to know that we have challenges that other dads don't experience.

I know what you're thinking: "Oh boy — let me brace myself while he 'blacksplains' how hard his life is while shaming me for ignoring my white privilege."

But that would be missing the point. We all have our challenges in life, and I'm not about to bring a big bottle of whine to a pity party.

Instead, as you probably know, today's dads are trying to shed the stigma of being clueless buffoons.

nurture, unicorn, mainstream media

Kid, you're gonna love this! Wheeeee ... uh oh.

Image from Giphy.

But black dads have an additional obstacle to hurdle in that we're often seen as completely disinterested in fatherhood. Trust me, it gets old when people automatically assume you're not good at something because of the color of your skin.

Our encounter was the first of many examples of this that I've witnessed, directly or indirectly, in my five and a half years of fatherhood, and I'm sure there will be more to come.

2. I want you to know that I'm not a shiny unicorn. There are plenty of black men just like me who love fatherhood.

During the months that followed our brief meeting, I felt a need to prove that you — a complete stranger — were wrong. I needed to prove there were plenty of black men just like me who loved being dads.

I knew a lot of these great men personally: My dad, my two brothers, and many others embraced fatherhood. But could any data back up how much black dads embraced fatherhood? Because the examples in mainstream media were few and far between.

Thankfully, the answer is yes.

A few years after I met you, a study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention showed that 70% of black dads are likely to engage in common child-rearing activities such as diaper changing, bathing, toilet training, etc., on a daily basis. That's a higher percentage than white or Hispanic fathers.

Full stop.

This isn't about black dads being "the best" because parenthood isn't a competition. It's about showing that we're not even remotely as bad as society makes us out to be.

And outside of the CDC study, I saw firsthand how hands-on black dads are when I was thrust into the public eye, too, because a lot of them reached out to me to tell their stories.

We nurture our kids.

dads, social norms, ethnicity, privilege

Getting close to the twins.

Photo taken from the Daddy Doin' Work Instagram feed and used with permission.

We're affectionate with our kids.

fatherhood, children, family, parenting

Love is universal.

Photo taken from the Daddy Doin' Work Instagram feed and used with permission.

And we do whatever our kids need us to do.

equality, community, gender roles

Dad takes a deserved nap.

Photo taken from the Daddy Doin' Work Instagram feed and used with permission.

And none of that should come as a surprise to anyone.

3. I want you to know that I believe you meant well when you praised me for being involved in my daughter's life, but that's what I'm programmed to do.

Disneyland, fathers, daughters, ethnicity

Princess dresses at Disneyland? You bet.

Photo taken from the Daddy Doin' Work Instagram feed and used with permission.

I will always be there for her and her baby sister.

Even though I just described how black dads are different from many dads, I hope the takeaway you have from this is that we have a lot of similarities, too.

Please don't fall into the trap of saying that you want to live in a colorblind world because it makes it harder to identify with inequality when it happens. Instead, I hope you can recognize that we have the same hopes, dreams, and fears as other parents, but the roads we travel may not be the same.

And no, I don't want an apology.

But I hope when you pick up your next latte and see a dad who looks like me that you'll smile knowing he's the rule rather than the exception.


This article originally appeared on 06.15.16