How parents who are overly critical of others unknowingly crush their children's self-esteem

Have you ever had a friend who loves to gossip and criticize other friends in your group? Did that make you think, “Gee, when I’m not around, I bet they say bad things about me, too?” Well, if that was your takeaway, you’re probably right. Unfortunately, children often make the same connection when they have overly-critical parents, and it can cause them myriad psychological problems.

One such child of highly critical parents, Casey Smith, who goes by the name @BigSisCasey on TikTok and Instagram, recently shared why it took years to connect between her parents’ negativity and her fear of rejection. Casey Smith is a wellness influencer on TikTok and host of the "It's Not Normal" podcast.

“My parents would constantly comment on and criticize others, whether it was the way that someone dressed, the shape of their nose, the way they sounded when they sang a song, or their hairline,” Smith recalls. “But it didn't stop there. I distinctly remember my parents throughout my childhood and my teenage years commenting on the part in my hair. They didn't like how skinny I was. Calling me flat as a board, mocking the way that I pronounce different words if they differed from the way my parent pronounce those words, and criticizing my taste in music and shows.”

Smith says that her parents' immature judgment of others made her feel like they were also silently judging her, too. “I think it causes us to internalize a lot of this criticism and to interpret our parents' attitude as a reflection of how they secretly or not so secretly maybe view us,” Smith revealed. She was also rewarded her for joining them in judging others.

“I remember when I was a kid sort of sharing in my parents' criticism and becoming critical of others myself because the more I was like my parents, the more my parents seem to like me,” she continued. Smith goes on to say that being around her hypercritical parents led to a fear of rejection and people-pleasing behaviors.

Upworthy spoke with Smith about her parents, and she ventured to guess why they were so emotionally immature. "If I had to venture a guess, it’s likely that my parents’ insecurities stem from their own unresolved trauma and their resulting need for control," Smith told Upworthy. "It’s common, I’ve learned, for adults who felt powerless throughout childhood to go to great lengths to achieve and maintain a position of power and authority in adulthood. As I got older, I became more independent, my independence, I think, was perceived as a threat to them. Their emotional limitations are a result of their unwillingness to develop the skills necessary for healthy communication, unconditional love, and mutual respect between a parent and their adult child. These limitations lead to fear—fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, and often lead to more toxic behavior."

Smith realized her parents' behavior was unhealthy at 21 after meeting her husband. "I felt as though I couldn’t do anything, completely suffocated, and it was then that I realized how unhealthy it all was, that I had been enduring emotional abuse for quite some time," she told Upworthy. "From that point on, I slowly started gaining perspective and began the process of unlearning all of the toxic traits I was taught throughout my childhood."

The post resonated with many of Smith's followers who were also raised by hypercritical parents. “I always thought everyone was judging me because my mom was always making negative comments about people,” one commenter noted. “My dad would comment on every little detail of a stranger. Like, things I legitimately didn't even notice until he pointed it out. So naturally, now I think everyone is judging my every flaw,” another added.

“It's like preemptive self-defense. If you think people are judging you for something, judging them even before they voice it feels like you have control, but you'll never feel good about yourself,” a commenter wrote.

An angry woman judging people.via Canva/Photos

Anyone who has hypercritical parents should seek professional help to overcome the psychological damage and develop a healthier sense of self. Barbara Greenberg, PhD., suggests that the journey begins with self-acceptance. “Begin to learn to appreciate yourself. Make a list of your strengths and positive qualities. Also, give yourself permission to make mistakes. This is part of the human experience. We all need to forgive ourselves for our mistakes and get back into the game of life. Disappointment is okay, but tearing yourself down is not,” she writes in Psychology Today.

It’s unfortunate that Smith had to deal with hypercritical parents and spent many years feeling inadequate because of it. But over half a million people have seen her video, so hopefully, it will inspire some people to realize the pain that immature parents can cause, and they can work to break the cycle.