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raising kids

Two parents kissing their child.

Parenting isn’t about crafting Instagram-worthy lunches, throwing extravagant birthday parties, or any other grandiose gestures. Sure, it can contain some of those things, but in truth, it’s about providing presence, consistency, support, healthy structure, and encouragement.

In fact, some of the best parenting moments—the ones that last with kids forever—don’t cost a dime. That’s certainly the sentiment behind one recent online conversation in which folks were asked to share simple things their parents did that “made them feel loved.”

Whether it involved physically showing up to meaningful events, infusing joy into the mundane, offering a shoulder to cry on, or setting a positive example, the moving stories all show that love manifests itself in various ways.

parents, parenting, parenting tips, parenting advice, childhood, nostalgia, modern parenting, parenting resourcesmedia1.giphy.com

We all know that kids need stability. So, it’s no wonder that for many folks in the thread, physically showing up to things both big and small held the most weight.

“Either one of my parents tucked me into bed every single night and told me they love me, until I was a teen. Meant the world to me now I think back. Will definitely be doing this when my little one goes into his own room.”

“My dad showed up to everything. Every. Single. Thing. Spelling bee, Girl Scouts, cheerleading. When my cheer games overlapped with Buckeye games, he brought his Walkman to listen to the game while he watched me cheer. He did the Girl Scout camp outs with us. I’m 33 and I know that if I called him right this second to say I needed him, he’d be here immediately.”

parents, parenting, parenting tips, parenting advice, childhood, nostalgia, modern parenting, parenting resourcesA dad holding up their kid at a soccer gamePhoto credit: Canva

“My dad was a very early riser and every Saturday morning he’d go to the grocery store just to get me a maple frosted donut so it would be there when I woke up.”

“My mom was at EVERY game, recital, musical, or other event I was a part of. She volunteered in our classrooms at school, on field trips, or behind the scenes in the productions I was in. She was always working too, but she did everything she could to be there for my extracurriculars and that meant so much.”

Quite a few also recalled how their parents were able to take ordinary things—movie nights, yummy meals, reading stories—and make them feel magical and meaningful.

“We had movie nights on Fridays. We were pretty poor but every Friday, we’d go to little Cesar’s down the road and get a $5 pizza. Then we’d go to the dollar store and get to pick out our favorite $1 candy. We’d go home, watch the movie with our pizza and candy, and then have a camp out in the living room. My brothers and I would fight over who got the couch and who got the hand-me-down recliners haha. We’d also drag out all of our mattresses and sleep in the living room on Christmas Eve. My dad made sure to read us a story every night for years. We’d ride our bikes to the library on Saturday afternoons if he wasn’t working and pick our bedtime stories for the week.”

parents, parenting, parenting tips, parenting advice, childhood, nostalgia, modern parenting, parenting resourcesFamily movie night.Photo credit: Canva

“When one of us had a special achievement, we got to use the red plate. We also got to choose what we wanted to eat for dinner that night. It was used for birthdays, awards, reaching goals.. all kinds of stuff. It was a small thing, but also a cool way to celebrate each other’s wins. If you google “the red plate” you can see what a red plate looks like.”

“Ever since I could remember, my dad told me beautiful bedtime stories where I was the main character, and he prompted me to add to the story, keeping things interesting. It helped build our communication and grow my imagination.

“Spaghetti was ready to serve with table set, right as I got home from track practice. The sunsetting rays would come through the windows and I could see the steam coming off food, table set beautifully. This was such a treat as a young teenager, I can replay this scene in my head clear as day. The feeling of emptiness being filled with that warm homemade, healthy meal – yeah, that’s love.”

parents, parenting, parenting tips, parenting advice, childhood, nostalgia, modern parenting, parenting resourcesA family enjoying spaghettiPhoto credit: Canva

“I was raised by my grandparents so they were limited in terms of mobility. However my Gma would always throw such fun birthday parties for me. She’d call the parents of the kids I wanted over, schedule having them meet with her & then on my bday they’d arrive & we’d go to a movie, then Chuck E. cheese, then a sleepover with her homemade cake & staying up as late as we wanted. I can’t wait to be this sort of home when my girls start school 🌟.”

“My parents were able to take me on vacations to most of the national parks near us (we were located in the Midwest). These were NOT fancy trips, we had a cheap pull behind style camper and all food was made on the road (sandwiches, soup, hot dogs etc.) Both my parents were very frugal and we spent very little, but I have the most amazing love and appreciation for nature now.”

“Saturday night treats – every Saturday we’d watch Saturday night tv together as a family, with duvets, lots of snacks like sweets/candy, popcorn, etc, and we could stay up later than usual. It was a fun way to spend quality time together as a family.”

“My mum would read stories to us at night in dim lamp light before bedtime. It was years before I realized she was making up stories as she was reading from a child dictionary. She would also bring us to the library. I felt good because of the effort she put. It also got me into reading. She also made crafts – sat at a low table with us and painted clay objects she made for our dolls. I appreciated the time she spent on this.”

parents, parenting, parenting tips, parenting advice, childhood, nostalgia, modern parenting, parenting resourcesA mom reading a bedtime storyPhoto credit: Canva

There were also many fond memories of parents who found simple ways to make their kids feel seen, valued, and celebrated, whether it be through sweet notes, special personal days, or just using their name in unique ways. And for what it’s worth, these acts of love didn’t only happen in childhood either.

“My mom pulled us out of school one day a year to have a special day with her. She took us out to lunch wherever we wanted to go and then did whatever we wanted to do. Usually i wanted to go shopping and made her wait til after my birthday to have my day because i got birthday money from relatives and i wanted to spend it.”

“My mom would leave sweet notes in our lunches. Not every day but I remember oftentimes getting ‘Happy Friday!’ or ‘Good luck on your game today!’ type of notes. I’m tearing up just thinking about it.”

“My dad would take us out to the local airport and we'd have a picnic in the grass just outside the fence and watch the planes take off. He'd tell us what kind they were and stories about them.”

“One simple thing was whenever my dad ordered food, like from a fast food restaurant, he would always give them my name for the order. I felt so special and grown up to have my name called for the food.”

“My husband and I separated for a little while, three months, and the first two weeks were the hardest. I was so emotional, didn’t eat for a week straight, kept crying, didn’t wanna get out of bed, read constantly just to escape… I was 28.. and my dad bought me little chocolate cake with my name on it just cause he knew I love chocolate cake and he thought it would make me happy 💚🥺.”

Having parents who were emotionally available, could take accountability for their mistakes, and made necessary changes in order to strengthen the bonds to the kids, seemed to make a lasting impact.

“Honestly as an adult, my mom went to therapy when I asked her to. She made significant growth over the last few ways and it’s allowed us to repair and deepen our relationship in a way I would have never imagined. It shows so much love and effort that at 60 she has learned how to take accountability and change how she treats us. It is my ongoing goal to always be willing to apologize to/listen to my kids.”

parents, parenting, parenting tips, parenting advice, childhood, nostalgia, modern parenting, parenting resourcesA woman in therapyPhoto credit: Canva

“My dad was never afraid to apologize. When I was about 8, I remember getting Big Red all over his car because I was pouring it out the window and watching it fly. I didn’t realize it was getting all over the car (and probably other cars). We had just left the car wash. When we got home he freaked out and yelled and screamed. I got the car wash stuff out of the garage and just sat and cried for a bit. Then he came out and sat with me and said that dad’s mess up too sometimes. He said he understood I was just being curious and did not mean it and he wished he had explained his frustration in a calmer way. He hugged me and helped me wash the car again. I remember that he said mean things, but not what he said before the apology. I remember just about every word of that apology though. I think that one sticks out because that was the maddest he had been at me up to that point…maybe ever. There were a few other stand out ones, some were even funny, but he always used them as a time to reconnect and really make sure we knew he loved us and respected us.”

“As I was falling asleep, my mom would get up to leave and I’d reach out the her… she always quietly sat back down and continued waiting. It made me feel loved and safe. She died when I was young. Just knowing she always chose me was a gift. She also was always the first person to tell me happy birthday first thing in the morning before anyone else.”

parents, parenting, parenting tips, parenting advice, childhood, nostalgia, modern parenting, parenting resourcesA mother watching her child sleepPhoto credit: Canva

“My granny would always feed me unprompted. I would be relaxing watching TV and here she came with fresh cut fruit or a glass of sweet tea. It felt good knowing she was thinking of me. She also would always say “Penny for your thoughts” and I always felt open to sharing with her.. I miss her so much nobody ever loved me like Geneva.”

Lastly, many stories of great parenting involved providing a safe space for their kids. Not only protection from physical harm, but an emotional sanctuary as well.

“I was bullied a lot as a kid and as I got older my dad adjusted his work schedule so he could come home early every day and spend time with me after school. He even rejected a promotion knowing it would mean less family time. We’d go to the dollar movie night, take the dog to the park, or he’d get me an Oreo milkshake and a used CD for $6. The ;things' didn’t matter, but the conversation and support did. He made me feel like someone actually enjoyed spending time with me or wanted to hear my opinions and interests when I was most alone. A lot of experts say parents shouldn’t be friends with their kids, but honestly he was the only friend I had for years and I probably wouldn’t be alive today if he hadn’t shown that kind of interest.”

parents, parenting, parenting tips, parenting advice, childhood, nostalgia, modern parenting, parenting resourcesA father holding his daughterPhoto credit: Canva

“When I started driving and borrowing my mom’s car to go to parties, she told me, 'If you ever can’t drive for any reason, including drinking, call me; I don’t care how late it is. I won’t give you a hard time when I come get you, and we can talk about whatever it is later. But I’d much rather you be safe and alive than feel like you have to hide something from me and do something dangerous.' I actually never ended up needing the offer, but I definitely felt much safer knowing I had an ace in my pocket.”

“One that sticks with me was my dad saying this to me over the years: 'No matter where you are or what happens, if you need me, call me and nothing will keep me away.' He kept his promise till the day he died, and I miss him every day. My mum is awesome too, she was genuinely my best friend growing up, she was always up for a game or a story, I’ve been really lucky.”

“My dad would just hug me while I fell apart & cried. He did it until I’d stop. Happy to do the same with my kiddos.”

Next time you’re wondering if you’re doing enough as a parent, let this be a reminder that love is powerful, now matter how you show it.

Parenting

Psychologist shares the 3 things to say first when your child is upset about something

Dr. Becky says every parent needs to have these 3 lines in their toolbox.

It can be hard to know how to help a child who's upset about something

One of the unfortunate realities of parenting is that kids don't come with a manual. Sure, there are a bajillion parenting books out there, but anyone with more than one child knows that every kid is different, what works with one won't necessarily work with another, and parents frequently find themselves at a loss for how to handle the thousands of scenarios that pop up as you go through your parenting journey.

However, that doesn't mean expertise doesn't exist. Psychologists that specialize in children and families do have some insights into healthy child development and relationship dynamics, so it's worth taking advice from them when you feel completely at a loss. Like, for instance, when your child comes to you upset about something.

parenting, motherhood, fathernood, when your child is upset, dr. becky kennedyHelping kids become resilient is an ongoing process.Photo credit: Canva

As an adult, you may have more wisdom and perspective than your child. You might feel like they are overreacting or that they don't really have a good reason to be upset. Or, your kiddo may express their emotions with much more intensity than you do and you aren't sure how to navigate that. You worry you might say something that makes the situation worse.

Dr. Becky Kennedy, better known as "Dr. Becky," is a clinical psychologist and parenting coach who has become a popular voice of reason for today's generation of young parents. As a mom of three kids herself, she has not only the academic knowledge to back up her advice, but also the boots-on-the-ground experience that gives her credibility beyond just the letters behind her name and book titles under her belt.

In an interview with author and podcaster Lewis Howes, Dr. Becky shared the three lines she says every parent needs to have in their tool belt for when their child is upset.

#1. "I'm so glad you're talking to me about this."

"If I were to put this in an adult context, if I was like, 'I'm so mad at my husband, he never, whatever, he never is home for bedtime, and he forgot the one thing I said," said Dr. Becky. "And if I was like, 'Hey, you're never doing anything around the house, and I am really frustrated.' If he said to me, 'You know, Becky, you're upset but I'm so glad you're telling me about this,' I'd be like, 'I think we're good now. Like I don't even know—What was I upset about?' Because what someone's really saying to you when they says that is, 'This feeling in you that you're feeling is real, and I still want to be in a relationship with you when you're feeling that way.'"

In other words, they get the message that they are loved and accepted even when they're expressing upset or anger or hurt.

"Our kids need to absorb from us, from a resilience perspective, 'My parent can tolerate this part of me before I learn to tolerate this part of me.'"

#2. "I believe you."

Dr. Becky says this is the one line that's probably the most healing in people's childhoods and the most confidence-building.

She clarifies that it doesn't mean you believe everything a child says in their upset state. If they say, "It's so embarrassing, I'm never going to school again," it doesn't mean you believe they're really never going to go back to school. It means you believe that's how they feel. You're saying, "I believe it feels that bad."

"We actually say to our kids all the time, which terrifies me, 'I don't believe you,'" Dr. Becky said. "And if we wonder why people don't trust their emotions, it's because when they felt emotions that were strong, they received—not one time but over and over—a message of 'I know your feelings better than you know your feelings.'"

parenting, motherhood, fathernood, when your child is upset, dr. becky kennedy"I believe you" is a simple but powerful phrase.Photo credit: Canva

She explained that trusting your feelings becomes important in situations like when someone's pressuring you to do something you don't really want to do, giving a hypothetical example of her own daughter being in college and not wanting to go home with someone.

#3. "Tell me more."

Drawing out the full story, acknowledging and empathizing with the details that led your child to feel the way they do is important. Dr. Becky demonstrated how she would repeat back each detail as her child told a story, expressing hurt or embarrassment along with them as the story went on.

"And now, in all these moments that my kid was in pain—which, by the way, part of the pain is probably that they were alone—I'm kind of infusing myself in every moment," she explained. "I'm adding connection. I'm adding believing."

When you talk through an upsetting incident with a child this way, they're often ready to move on before you are, she said. They know that when they need you, they can always come back, and that's really what every parent wants—for our kids to know they can come to us when they need us, but for them to go out and live and learn on their own until they do.

You can follow Dr. Becky for more parenting wisdom on Instagram and TikTok.

Millennials, are you victims of "gramnesia"?

It’s funny how once a sort of abstract experience gets a name attached to it, it suddenly becomes much easier to understand and relate to. The Internet—and primarily TikTok—has been great for that. Sure, things get out of hand quite easily (like the overuse of “therapy speak”), but there has also been quite a lot of validation and meaningful conversations that have spawned from these overnight buzzwords.

Case and point: “Gramnesia.”

“Gramnesia,” which combines the words “grandparent” and “amnesia,” has been popping up on Reddit discussions for a while now, though the coiner of the term seems unknown. But only recently has it been really gaining traction.

Back in June of 2024, Maryland-based therapist and mom Allie McQuaid, really brought “gramnesia” to the forefront of the conversation when she made an Instagram video all about it.

“I just heard this term called ‘gramnesia’ when grandparents forget what it’s really like having young kids and I can’t stop thinking about how accurate it is,” she said in the clip.

In her caption, McQuaid shared how so many of her clients would get “slammed” by their parents about how different (i.e. “easier”) raising kids was for them whenever they brought their own children around.

These hyperbolic memories are, as McQuaid put it, so “ridiculous” that they've clearly “forgot[ten] what it was really like in those early years of parenthood.”

Some examples of “gramnesia” statements could be:

“You never had tantrums when you were a kid”

“I potty trained you before you were one”

“You were always happy to eat whatever we fed you.”

“You were spanked and turned out fine!”

Clearly, McQuaid’s video struck a chord, because it wasn’t long before people begin chiming in with their own stories of gramnesia:

“My MIL, over the years, loved to act like her children were perfect growing up. I love to tell the stories of her son (my hubby) getting into all kinds of trouble as a kid - oh the shock.”

“*Baby makes any kind of noise* Grandma: "Oh they must be teething!" Me : "Umm she's 4 months old, She isn't teething yet - just has feelings and is you know - A BABY" grandma: ‘well my kids had all their teeth by 4 months’ 😐🤨”

“5 months old and not sleeping through the night? Did you try rice cereal? Baby not walking ? Rice cereal. Baby not in college yet? Have you tried rice cereal?”

“Ugh my dad literally just said this to me last week… ‘I don’t remember you guys having this many tantrums’… 🙄 right after my boys were upset.”


parenting, conflict, kids, parents, gramnesiaThese moments may be harder to remember. Image via Canva

McQuaid posited some theories as to why gramnesia exists in the first place.

One is that it could simply be the natural tendency to have a cognitive bias which puts past experiences in a more positive light than they actually were, aka having “euphoric recall.” As she told Huffpost, we tend to have a “foggier memory of how things truly were” as we get older, “especially if the experience we had was particularly difficult or even traumatic.”

Plus, the first few years of parenthood are often such a blur anyway. McQuaid herself admitted that ”I even have a hard time remembering the first year of motherhood, and that was only four years ago.”

In addition, McQuaid theorized that gramnesia exists because previous generations “were not given space to express emotions or indicate that they were struggling to adjust to motherhood.” Honestly, a sound hypothesis.

And for the frustrated folks itching to confront their boomer parents about this, McQuaid suggests picking your battles.

“Check your capacity if you have the space or energy to even consider bringing up your frustration with your parents,” she told Huffpost. “You are likely in the throes of parenting right now, and maybe all you can do is smile and nod after hearing for the 100th time how ‘you were never like this.’”

However, if you are determined to bring it up and set the record straight, McQuaid suggests to actually keep it centered around you and how the situation makes you feel, rather than combating their memories. So, instead of saying, “That’s NOT how it happened!” try something like, “When you said that I never did X when I was Y’s age, it makes me question how well I’m doing as a parent.” Probably easier said than done, to be sure.

And while this sore spot might never come to a full resolution for a lot of millennial parents, at least take some solace in knowing that you’re not crazy, nor are you alone.

parenting, parenting life, parents, babies, having childrenYou'll probably forget the stress of these days too. Image via Canva.

This article originally appeared last year.

Man makes argument to raise sons and daughters the same.

It's a universal consensus that raising kids is difficult no matter what corner of the globe you reside. It's partly difficult because they literally just got here and are learning how to human as they go, and partly because the reality is that you're raising these children to become adults. Preferably good, kind, ethical, functional adults. So, even if you have the easiest child in the world, there's still a lot of pressure to do a good job.

When you factor in a child's gender, parenting can get even trickier given society's influence on gender roles, "norms," and expectations. These things can unintentionally influence how parents interact with their children, and one man is calling out the hypocrisy by sharing how to raise boys to be good men. Mark, who goes by @Scarefacemark on social media, revealed his controversial opinion on how parents should raise their boys.

Often boys are permitted much more leeway while growing up than their girl counterparts. They tend to have fewer rules, or the rules are less strictly enforced. Girls are also given much more responsibility and an earlier age. For example, a boy may only be expected to clean his room and take out the trash while a girl may be expected to clean her room, clean the kitchen, help cook meals, clean the shared bathroom, etc.

parents, father and son, dad, boys, childhoodYou might say boys get to feel like kids for longer. Giphy

Mark makes the argument that if parents start raising their sons like they raise their daughters it would result in their sons growing up to be good men.

"I have an opinion that y'all might disagree with," Mark starts. "I feel like people need to raise their sons the same way they raise their daughters. I'm not talking about the sassy way. I'm talking about with the stuff y'all let them do. With the curfews right, a boy might have a later curfew than the girl or you might let your son bring a girlfriend over but you won't let your daughter bring her boyfriend over. You might tell your son to wear a condom but you tell your daughter don't sleep around at all when all in all you shouldn't tell your son to be sleeping [around] as well."

Mark says that this is something he notices more with fathers. While he does praise the way fathers raise their children, he shares that this is an area where there should be a change. He further explains, saying, "It's basically like you're telling your son that he can be an undisciplined kind of dude, meanwhile your daughter has to be the only disciplined one." He ends by hypothesizing that this the reason there are so many hypersexual young men out there.

This message resonated with a lot of people. One woman, who goes by @Frankieaab stitched Mark's video to add her own thoughts on the issues raising boys differently than girls can lead to as they become adults. One thing she dives deeper into is her observation of the results of teaching girls to be chaste while encouraging (or excusing) boys' promiscuity and how it would change if they were raised like girls.

@frankieaab

Let’s stop with boys with the boys @Scarfacemark #greenscreenvideo #doublestandards #raisinglittleboys

"No one teaches little boys to have respect for their bodies and that's why so many men and young boys don't realize a lot of them have also been sexually assaulted," Frankie says before expanding on having heard men cheer on teen boys for much older women attracted to them. "So, if we gives the same rules and regulations to little boys and teach little boys that their bodies are also sacred, that their bodies should also be treated as a temple, so now you won't have little boys pressuring little girls into doing things that you told those little girls that they should not be doing."

hug, parent, boys and girls, boy, girls, raising kidsseason 1 hug GIF by NBCGiphy

Other people also agree with Mark's theory in the comments, with one person sharing, "People say it’s harder to raise girls, but that’s only because they’re actually raising them."

Another writes, "People let their son turn into the EXACT man they wouldn’t want their daughter to be with."

Someone else chimes in, "Giving sons more freedom than daughters is gone make them harbor resentment and go crazy when they get that freedom in retaliation to their fathers."

child, parent, play, dad, boys, girls, raising kidsFail Fathers Day GIF by America's Funniest Home VideosGiphy

"That parenting always will create rebellious daughters due to seeing how the sons can live a care free life," one person points out.

Many women in Mark's comment section point out that moms are just as guilty as dads for having different rules depending on the gender of their child. If children were raised with the same rules and expectations regardless of gender, would that impact societies expectations of women and men? Would it impact the equity in division of household labor for married couples or the expected mental load of moms? It's certainly something to consider, and based off of the comments and video responses, it's something that has been on the minds of parents currently raising children for some time now.