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Man reveals 'hack' to raising good men: give them the same values and rules as your daughters

Turning boys into upstanding men really could be this simple.

Photo credit: Canva

Man makes argument to raise sons and daughters the same.

It's a universal consensus that raising kids is difficult no matter what corner of the globe you reside. It's partly difficult because they literally just got here and are learning how to human as they go, and partly because the reality is that you're raising these children to become adults. Preferably good, kind, ethical, functional adults. So, even if you have the easiest child in the world, there's still a lot of pressure to do a good job.

When you factor in a child's gender, parenting can get even trickier given society's influence on gender roles, "norms," and expectations. These things can unintentionally influence how parents interact with their children, and one man is calling out the hypocrisy by sharing how to raise boys to be good men. Mark, who goes by @Scarefacemark on social media, revealed his controversial opinion on how parents should raise their boys.

Often boys are permitted much more leeway while growing up than their girl counterparts. They tend to have fewer rules, or the rules are less strictly enforced. Girls are also given much more responsibility and an earlier age. For example, a boy may only be expected to clean his room and take out the trash while a girl may be expected to clean her room, clean the kitchen, help cook meals, clean the shared bathroom, etc.

parents, father and son, dad, boys, childhoodYou might say boys get to feel like kids for longer. Giphy

Mark makes the argument that if parents start raising their sons like they raise their daughters it would result in their sons growing up to be good men.

"I have an opinion that y'all might disagree with," Mark starts. "I feel like people need to raise their sons the same way they raise their daughters. I'm not talking about the sassy way. I'm talking about with the stuff y'all let them do. With the curfews right, a boy might have a later curfew than the girl or you might let your son bring a girlfriend over but you won't let your daughter bring her boyfriend over. You might tell your son to wear a condom but you tell your daughter don't sleep around at all when all in all you shouldn't tell your son to be sleeping [around] as well."

Mark says that this is something he notices more with fathers. While he does praise the way fathers raise their children, he shares that this is an area where there should be a change. He further explains, saying, "It's basically like you're telling your son that he can be an undisciplined kind of dude, meanwhile your daughter has to be the only disciplined one." He ends by hypothesizing that this the reason there are so many hypersexual young men out there.

@scarfacemark♬ original sound - Scarfacemark

This message resonated with a lot of people. One woman, who goes by @Frankieaab stitched Mark's video to add her own thoughts on the issues raising boys differently than girls can lead to as they become adults. One thing she dives deeper into is her observation of the results of teaching girls to be chaste while encouraging (or excusing) boys' promiscuity and how it would change if they were raised like girls.

@frankieaab

Let’s stop with boys with the boys @Scarfacemark #greenscreenvideo #doublestandards #raisinglittleboys

"No one teaches little boys to have respect for their bodies and that's why so many men and young boys don't realize a lot of them have also been sexually assaulted," Frankie says before expanding on having heard men cheer on teen boys for much older women attracted to them. "So, if we gives the same rules and regulations to little boys and teach little boys that their bodies are also sacred, that their bodies should also be treated as a temple, so now you won't have little boys pressuring little girls into doing things that you told those little girls that they should not be doing."

hug, parent, boys and girls, boy, girls, raising kidsseason 1 hug GIF by NBCGiphy

Other people also agree with Mark's theory in the comments, with one person sharing, "People say it’s harder to raise girls, but that’s only because they’re actually raising them."

Another writes, "People let their son turn into the EXACT man they wouldn’t want their daughter to be with."

Someone else chimes in, "Giving sons more freedom than daughters is gone make them harbor resentment and go crazy when they get that freedom in retaliation to their fathers."

child, parent, play, dad, boys, girls, raising kidsFail Fathers Day GIF by America's Funniest Home VideosGiphy

"That parenting always will create rebellious daughters due to seeing how the sons can live a care free life," one person points out.

Many women in Mark's comment section point out that moms are just as guilty as dads for having different rules depending on the gender of their child. If children were raised with the same rules and expectations regardless of gender, would that impact societies expectations of women and men? Would it impact the equity in division of household labor for married couples or the expected mental load of moms? It's certainly something to consider, and based off of the comments and video responses, it's something that has been on the minds of parents currently raising children for some time now.

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Parenting

Expert interviewed 70 parents of highly successful adults and found they had one thing in common

Is this the secret to success?

via Canva/Photos

A woman sitting in the corner office.

There is an ongoing debate over which parenting style is better for children, authoritative or permissive. Should parents provide structure and have strict expectations or prioritize the child’s happiness and act more like a friend than a parent? If parents want to raise a successful person with entrepreneurial qualities, the answer is neither.

For her book “Raising an Entrepreneur: How to Help Your Children Achieve Their Dreams,” Margot Machol Bisnow interviewed 70 parents of highly successful people from all different family structures to find what they had in common. The result was 99 stories of people who are now changing the world that show readers how to raise creative, confident, resilient children filled with joy and purpose. In addition to being a writer, Bisnow is a mom, parenting expert, and former FTC Commissioner.

“It was an extremely diverse group — of different races, religions, income, family structure and education,” she wrote about the families profiled in her book for CNBC. “But as I talked to each, I discovered a common theme: respectful parenting.”

What is respectful parenting?

Respectful parenting differs from authoritative and permissive parenting and combines some elements of both. A respectfully parented child will have expectations for academics and behavior but can choose their after-school activities and follow their interests. These children are allowed to explore and are free from following hard-set rules. Instead, they are treated more like adults than children.

success, parenting, raising an entreprenuerParents and their daughter looking at the computer.via Canva/Photos

How do you raise children to become successful?

While researching her book, Bisnow found that the parents of highly successful people often went to extremes when allowing their kids to follow their passions. “Every single one of these ‘extreme’ things the parents are doing is listening to their child. And, they’re taking what their child says seriously, as opposed to saying, ‘I’m the parent, I know best,’” Bisnow told CNBC.

Respectfully parented children are given plenty of opportunities to develop the confidence they need to become successful as adults. They learn to believe in themselves, pursue their passions, find new ways to solve problems, and develop single-minded determination to achieve their goals. Kids who are allowed to follow their hearts as children are likelier to pursue their dreams as adults because they believe in themselves.

success, parenting, raising an entreprenuerA child learning how to play the guitar.via Canva/Photos


Bisnow’s work counters the idea that children must be forced down a narrow path of achievement to become successful adults. Highly successful adults learn as children how to find opportunities others don’t think exist and attempt new endeavors even though they may not have the proper credentials. This mindset is entirely different from children who are raised to follow rigid rules and traditional tracts for academic and career development.

“I think the major myth is that there is a precise path that must be followed,” Bisnow told Planning to Wealth. “In fact, that’s not true: the important thing is to follow where your child wants to go, not mandate that direction. The direction has to come from the bottom up, not the top down. I had a tennis player and a songwriter when my kids were in high school. We don't play tennis, and we don't write music. Those were their passions, not mine.”

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Family

Millennials are bonding over their Boomer parents' 'gramnesia.' Here's what the viral term means.

People can't get over how "accurate" it is.

@millennialmomtherapist/Instagram, Photo credit: Canva

Millennials—are you victims of "gramnesia"?

It’s funny how once something sort of abstract experience gets a name attached to it, it suddenly becomes much easier to relate to and talk about. The internet—and primarily TikTok—has been great for that. Sure, things get out of hand quite easily (like the overuse of “therapy speak”) but there has also been quite a lot of validation and meaningful conversations that have spawned from these overnight buzzwords.

Case and point, “gramnesia.”

“Gramneisa,” which combines the words “grandparent” and “amnesia,” has been popping up on Reddit discussions for a while now, though the coiner of the term seems unknown. But only recently has it been really gaining traction.

Back in June, Maryland-based therapist and mom Allie McQuaid, really brought “gramnesia” to the forefront of the conversation when she made an Instagram video all about it.

“I just heard this term called ‘gramnesia’ when grandparents forget what it’s really like having young kids and I can’t stop thinking about how accurate it is,” she said in the clip.

And then in her caption, McQuaid shared how so many of her clients would get “slammed” by their parents about how different (i.e. “easier”) raising kids was for them whenever they brought their own children around.

These hyperbolic memories are, as McQuaid put it, so “ridiculous” that they're clearly “forgot[ten] what it was really like in those early years of parenthood.”

Some example of “gramnesia” statements could be:

“You never had tantrums when you were a kid”

“I potty trained you before you were one”

“You were always happy to eat whatever we fed you.”

“You were spanked and turned out fine!”

Clearly, Mcquaid’s video struck a chord, because it wasn’t long before people begin chiming in with their own stories of gramneis.

“My MIL, over the years, loved to act like her children were perfect growing up. I love to tell the stories of her son (my hubby) getting into all kinds of trouble as a kid - oh the shock.”

“*Baby makes any kind of noise* Grandma: "Oh they must be teething!" Me : "Umm she's 4 months old, She isn't teething yet - just has feelings and is you know - A BABY" grandma: ‘well my kids had all their teeth by 4 months’ 😐🤨”

“5 months old and not sleeping through the night? Did you try rice cereal? Baby not walking ? Rice cereal. Baby not in college yet? Have you tried rice cereal?”

“Ugh my dad literally just said this to me last week… ‘I don’t remember you guys having this many tantrums’… 🙄 right after my boys were upset.”

Mcquaid posited some theories as to why gramnesia exists in the first place.

One could simply be the natural tendency to have a cognitive bias which puts past experiences in a more positive light than they actually were, aka having “euphoric recall.”. As she told Huffpost, we tend to have a “foggier memory of how things truly were” as we get older, “especially if the experience we had was particularly difficult or even traumatic.”

Plus, the first few years of parenthood are often such a blur anyway. Mcquaid herself admitted that I” I even have a hard time remembering the first year of motherhood, and that was only four years ago.”

In addition, Mcquaid theorized that a gramnesia exists because previous generations “were not given space to express emotions or indicate that they were struggling to adjust to motherhood.” Honestly, a sound hypothesis.

And for the frustrated folks itching to confront their boomer parents about this, Mcquaid suggests picking your battles.

“Check your capacity if you have the space or energy to even consider bringing up your frustration with your parents,” she told Huffpost. “You are likely in the throes of parenting right now, and maybe all you can do is smile and nod after hearing for the 100th time how ‘you were never like this.’”

However, if you are determined to bring it up, Mcquaid suggests to keep it centered around you the situation makes you feel, rather than combating their memories. So instead of “that’s NOT how it happened!” try something like “When you said that I never did X when I was Y’s age, it makes me question how well I’m doing as a parent.” Probably easier said than done, to be sure.

And while this sore spot might never come to a full resolution for a lot of millennial parents, at least take some solace in knowing that you’re not crazy, nor are you alone. Clearly.


This article originally appeared last year.

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Family

Adult children who had 'good parents' share what their parents did right

There's a lot we can learn from these parenting success stories.

Photo credit: Canva

Good parenting is often most recognized in hindsight.

When you're in the thick of parenting, it can feel like you're just flying by the seat of your pants. You can read every parenting book under the sun and still feel like you're doing it wrong, and the conflicting advice about what to do and what not to do with your kids is enough to make your head spin. To make it even more complicated, each kid who comes into your life brings their own unique personalities, leading to specific joys and challenges and making definitive rules about parenting seem silly at best.

However, there's no doubt that some parents manage to raise kids into solid, healthy, contributing adult humans while maintaining good relationships with them. Some of those adult children are sharing what their parents did that made them good parents—what they did right in raising them—and it's a treasure trove of excellent parenting examples.

from AskReddit

Here are some of the most popular responses:

They supported their kids' interests without judgment

"My parents are imperfect, but they did a lot of things right. The biggest one that sticks out to me is that they're supportive of things my brother and I like even when they don't understand or like it. They didn't really care for skateboarding, but they spent hundreds of dollars over the years for my brother to enjoy his hobby. They not only helped me get a drum set, but allowed the band to hold practice in our basement and drove us to all our shows. They wanted me to be a lawyer, but they were willing to settle for line cook. It made a difference in the long run, because eventually it helped me realize that I get to make my own choices in life - nothing is laid out for me. I can do whatever I enjoy, and my parents will be there for me, cheering me on."

"My parents are the same. My brother always showed huge passion over a short period of time for things like skateboarding, drums, BMXing etc and our parents happily bought him what was required for him to pursue his interests. He never did well academically so they were supportive when he chose to go into construction; our dad actually helped him get a job. When my brother showed restlessness with that job, our dad helped him start a business and kept it afloat during periods of financial difficulty.

I on the other hand, had my limited interests in reading and drawing nurtured. I was given books whenever requested and was supported when pursuing an art degree. Now I’m pursuing an entirely different degree and I’m supported by our parents once again in their own way.

They’ve never encouraged us in ways other parents might. We don’t get told we’ve done a good job or to keep going when we’re about to give up, we just know exactly what is expected of us and know if we fail, our parents won’t hold it against us. They’re there, quietly cheering us on in the background."

They explained themselves to their kids

"Taught respect, never played favorites. But the biggest thing was they always explained their actions and we're willing to discuss why, and occasionally even change their mind. It was never 'no because I said so.' I think I didn't really have a rebellious phase because they never really forbid anything, it was always 'well you can do that when you don't live here.'"

parents talking to young kidsExplaining things to your kids is key. Photo credit: Canva

"This is honestly one of the biggest things a parent can do right. Mine always tried their best to explain everything to me. There was rarely ever any 'Because I said so' moments. Knowing the reasons why I could or couldn't do something made me listen 99% of the time. 'No, do your homework first - you'll have more time to play later.' 'No, you can't have that toy - we only have $200 to last us the rest of the week,' 'No, you can't be out past dusk - something bad's more likely to happen to you when it's dark.' It made me respect my parents instead of resent them, and it also helped me develop good habits and reasoning early on."

They were fair-minded and taught fair-mindedness

"My dad was exceptionally fair. Any conflict would be solved by sitting down and having me evaluate multiple perspectives. If we could reason through an issue and it appeared someone had indeed treated me poorly/done the wrong thing and I was 'in the right,' he would give me credit for that but then still work with me to find a way to resolve the issue with the other person. Vice versa, if I was wrong he had a way of conversing with me that made me realise it on my own.

I think this really helped in building some character traits I’m very grateful for, but it also built a child/parent relationship with mutual trust. I felt comfortable approaching my dad about anything. I knew he’d tell me about it if I was wrong, but I also knew he would back me if I was in the right. That was powerful, to feel respected as a teenager. It’s only now I’m an adult I realise how that empowerment drove me to be responsible for my own actions rather than blaming the world for not understanding me."

"Ah, my mother does this. One of the biggest things she taught me is to put myself in the other person's shoes and see the situation from their perspective rather than just my own. It's really shaped me into a kinder person, I think, and I'm really grateful for her."

They taught by their own example

"A lot of it was the little things they taught me by example. Stuff like being patient and kind to customer service or waitstaff. I’ve seen my parents get unbelievably mad with cable companies, but never to their face; they keep their cool and stay as polite as they can be on the phone, then blow a gasket after the call where it won’t get dumped on a call center worker who doesn’t deserve it. Just because you’re having a shitty day doesn’t mean they need to get cussed out too.

They also taught me to be accepting of others’ beliefs by example. We grew up going to church and when I came back from college I had done some thinking and decided I didn’t believe in God at all, and told my parents as much. My dad, who was the sitting president of the church council, said “alright, we won’t wake you up early on Sundays, and if you ever do want a ride to church you know where to find us”, and that was the end of the discussion.

Honestly a lot of principles I hold today are because I try to follow in their footsteps, since it’s because of them that I try to be a decent and honest person every day."

"They led by example. My parents never expected things out of me that they didn't live by themselves. Whether it was something as simple as being open and honest to our entire family or something more complicated like living within your means, budgeting, and treating all people with total kindness. It's a lot easier as a kid to look-up to your parents when they live their daily lives by the same values they taught me."


dad talking to a sonCycle breaking parents are superheroes.Photo credit: Canva

They broke cycles of dysfunction

"My parent's weren't perfect and they weren't wealthy. My dad was abandoned as a child, in a state thousands of miles away from home, raised with a bunch of people he wasn't related to. My mom was a child of divorced parents, abused and hated by her step parents. They found each other and worked their ass's off so me, my sister, and my brother never had to go through those same troubles. Both of my parents have trauma from their youth, my dad can be paranoid, my mom struggles with depression, but they never abandoned us. When my cousin was starving because my auntue was out drinking, they took him in, and he became my brother. Sometimes they argue, sometimes they yell, but they never laid hands on each other. They've been there for me countless times, even when it cost everything. Now that I'm older I'm trying my hardest to be there for them, because i know now what they've done for us. They broke the cycle."

"My mom came from a huge, poor family. Her father was a physically abusive alcoholic and her mom was mentally ill. Her siblings are almost all into drugs and crime.

My dad's parents were immigrants, and were pretty locked into their culture. They all worked hard, but no one took care of their mental health and honoring your elders was more important than happiness. He married a tall white lady anyway.

They always encouraged me to do whatever I wanted, and be whoever I wanted. They broke cycles too, and they're amazing. They were financially smart and sacrificed so much for us, and I'm glad they're close to reaping the rewards in their retirement."

Some practices that popped up repeatedly in the discussion were:

- they spent time with me

- they read to me

- they loved me through mistakes

- they didn't shelter me

- they trusted me

- they respected me

One thing that a lot of people pointed out was that their "good" parents certainly weren't perfect. It might be a relief for current parents to know that you don't have to parent perfectly to have kids who are grateful for how you raised them.

May we all be the kinds of parents who are spoken of this highly by our adult kids when we're not around to hear it.

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