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Woman without kids cancels trip with mom friends because she's sick of hearing about babies

"It's not the weekend for me."

via Kampus Production/Pexels

Five women hold their bellies in a baby shower photo.

Getting married and having a child is a huge life change and so when a group of friends goes through the same experience together, it’s a great way to bond. Unfortunately, for some people, these changes on the domestic front can take over their lives and become their entire personality.

People who are single and aren’t looking to have kids any time soon can have a hard time relating to their friends who are married with children because they have less in common. Further, when you don’t have children, it can be a little tedious to hear people talk all day about lactation, sleep schedules and spitting up.

These topics can be boring to people who have children, too.

children, family, friendship, vacation, childfree, having kids A woman without kids says she's tired of hearing about her friends' babiesImage via Canva

A Redditor who goes by Remarkable_Lake410, who we’ll call RL for brevity’s sake, recently ran into this problem with her friends. Instead of feigning interest in married mom life, she decided to be honest with them about why she didn’t want to join them on a trip.

“I (27F) have a group of female friends (8 of us). We have been friends for over a decade, since school. Now, we don’t live in the same place, but we meet up a couple of times a year for a weekend on an Airbnb. This used to be a weekend of good food, drinks, hot tub, etc.” she wrote on the AITH forum.

“Around five of my friends are either married or in very long-term relationships. Of these five, two either have a baby or are pregnant. I will be seeing all of my friends this year for various wedding, friend and baby events. I have been invited to this year's girls' trip, but I have said I can’t come. I didn’t originally provide a reason,” she continued.

@tmurph

When I’m on Vacation I don’t have any kids🤣…those kids are US citizens I’m Jamaican unit next week 🤷🏾‍♂️😂 . . . . #tmurph #parenting #momsoftiktok #mom #momlife #dad #dadlife #parentinghacks #millennial #reels #explorepage #fyp #adultchildren #parentstruggles #foryoupage #parenthood_moments #vacation #jamaica #parentsvacation #getaway

But a friend pushed her to find out why she didn’t want to go on the trip and she was honest: She didn’t want to be stuck constantly hearing about babies, marriage and weddings on a trip that was going to cost a significant amount of money.

“[Last time], I listened to one of my friends talk about her breastfeeding plans, with vengeance, for over an hour. She is not pregnant or trying. Truthfully, it’s boring, and it feels dismissive,” RL wrote. It’s also a really expensive way to feel bad about myself.”

When her friend heard her reason, she was “really hurt,” and it felt like RL didn’t care about her and her other friends. So, RL asked the Reddit forum if she was in the wrong for being honest and skipping a trip that would be all about marriage and babies.

The post received over 4,000 responses that were overwhelmingly supportive for RL.

family, kids, vacation, women, babies, having children, not having children The woman received a wave of support for her decision to not travel with family-obsessed friendsImage via Canva

"On the surface, this seems like it’s just about engagements, weddings and babies. You go out of your way to be constantly supportive of them. However they don’t reciprocate that for you. They can’t relate to anything or want to relate to anything outside of their lives. It would sort of be like if you just won an award, but all they talked about was the pie they just ate that morning," Dependant_praline_93 wrote in the most popular comment.

"We all change as we get older. You naturally drift apart from some friends, especially if their lifestyle changes dramatically (think married with children, in particular). I wouldn't want to spend a lot of money to spend 3 days with a group that had such dis-similar interests. And I don't think it was wrong to be truthful when your friend asked you why you wouldn't go," Smokin_HOT_Ice added.

women, vacation, kids, parenting, not having kids, vacation without kids Two women talk while drinking teaImage via Canva

One commenter with kids has a close friend who is a child-free and she has made an effort to ask her about her life and interests of just talking about parenting.

“I was 38 when I had my first child and I read an article in Working Mother magazine when I was pregnant, and it said not to be the jerk who always talks about your pregnancy and your baby to your friends, especially the ones without babies,” JellyBear135 wrote. “When I see her, I always ask about her work, her activities outside of work and recently, her new baby dog. She lives alone and doesn’t have a lot of people who always ask about her life so I make sure I always do. I check in via text every couple of weeks to ask her about her life.”

After receiving a huge response from her post, RL wrote an update revealing that another friend who’s in the same boat decided not to go on the trip as well. “I have spoken to one of my other friends invited on the trip (who is also not at the baby stage of life); she is also not going on the trip and said she is not attending for the same reason,” RL wrote.

It seems the big takeaway from RL’s dilemma isn’t just that stage-of-life changes such as marriage and having babies can create chasms in friendships. But we need to make sure that we’re not just talking about ourselves to our friends but listening to them as well. Because a one-way friendship isn’t a friendship at all.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Father of 3 shares how he finally understood his wife’s ‘mental load’ when she left for 8 days

"I had no idea it felt like this."

Image credits: @ced/Instagram (used with permission)

Even involved dads aren't always fully aware of how much their wives manage mentally.

Parents today share responsibilities more equally than in past generations, but studies show childcare still falls disproportionately on women's shoulders. Some families choose one parent to take on the lion's share of child-rearing and/or domestic duties, and if that works, great. Other couples work similar hours and have to figure out how to equally split home duties, but however the household is structured, mothers most often tend to be the "default parent" and household manager.

That means it's mostly moms who are constantly thinking about managing the million little details of parenting. The big things like feeding, bathing, transporting, teaching life lessons ,and such are fairly easy to share equitably. But the invisible work—keeping track of routine doctor and dentist appointments, communicating with teachers can caregivers, keeping extended family updated, figuring out what clothes to keep and get rid of as kids outgrow them, keeping the family calendar up-to-date, etc.—that's all part of the "mental load" of parenting that moms tend to carry, often without their partners even being aware they're doing it.

via GIPHY


That's why one dad's confession after getting a taste of solo parenting has gotten a huge reaction. Cedric Thompson, Jr., a former NFL player and dad of three daughters, shared a video explaining that he didn't really understand the mental load his wife was carrying until she went to visit family in the Philippines for eight days, leaving him home alone with the kids.

"I've been a single dad for 8 days because my wife is in the Philippines and I had no idea it was this tough," he said with a sleeping child cradled in his arms. He explained that he was prepared for the cleaning, the transporting kids back and forth, the unexpected sickness, the feeding, and the sleeping. "But one thing I was not prepared for was the mental load," he said. "I had no idea it felt like this. To think about things that need to be done that haven't been done or things that I need to plan to do is so draining that I don't even have the energy to take care of myself at all."

This is why dads need to step into moms' shoes once in a while

"And now that I understand this, I have so much empathy for my wife," he said, "and I truly understand what she means by this 'mental load' and how draining it is. This has really opened my eyes and made me ask myself, what more can I be doing? What has been going on that I haven't been seeing and it's right in front of me? How can I step up the way that my wife needs me to instead of doing things that I think are helping?"

"I know I can't always take the mental load away, but I can definitely make it lighter."

There's a significant difference between assisting and managing, and when you're the sole parent for a while, you're forced to take on the management role. Eight days isn't very long, but it's enough to get a taste of being the one who to think about all the things all day. It's a lot. As Thompson wrote in the caption, "The endless planning, remembering, and organizing is exhausting in ways I never understood before. The most profound lessons come when we walk in someone else’s shoes, even if just for a little while."

Some people asked what he's been doing this whole time when his wife is home, but it seems some of those folks might be missing the point. This is an involved dad and husband, not a slouch. But even those who want to and try to share the load equally don't always know how to help with the mental load of the default parent because it's mostly internal. And trying to explain it and figuring out how to ask for help with some of it just adds more work, not to mention we don't even always know ourselves what we need help with. Stepping into the shoes of the default parent is really the best way to get a feel for what might be helpful without adding more to their plate.


via GIPHY


The "mental load" is invisible, so it's nice to have it seen and validated

Some commenters weighed in with thoughts and tips for lightening the mental load:

"How do men not understand their wife’s workload and bandwidth while literally sleeping next to her and living in the same house? Does she really have to leave the country for him to understand her contributions? Men have to do better."Pro tip: when your wife asks you what she should make for dinner, she’s trying to share the mental load with you. So just give her a straightforward answer."

"I love this…it’s called validation, empathy, and love🥰 Thank you for sharing this. The realization and verbalization of it makes the load lighter. Sometimes mental heaviness is worse than the physical."

"Really appreciate this post and how you explained yourself. The ‘mental load’ is that never-ending list running through our minds every single minute of the day. It’s the constant inner monologue of everything that needs to get done, the overwhelming pressure of how to get it all done, and the invisible timeline that gives you anxiety when you don’t meet it—even though you set those standards yourself.

It’s the feeling of failing if you don’t check every box. Walking into a room and forgetting why you’re there, only to lose your mind later when you finally remember—but now you’ve got ten other tasks at hand. It’s the frustration when you realize that everything you just cleaned is already dirty again.

Sometimes, it’s not even about what men do or don’t do; it’s the weight of our own thoughts that get to us. But when someone helps lighten that load, even just a little, it means everything."

"I love this. But to answer your question, the way you take the mental load away is you pretend you have to do it alone even when she comes back. Because that’s the reason she has mental load. Because she feels like she has to do most of it alone, even if you’re always there to “help”. That’s why I hate the word help. It implies that this is all her job. You’re doing well but keep digging deeper 💗 I do appreciate this post."


What exactly does the parental "mental load" entail? Here's a partial list.

And yes, there is a need to go deeper. As one commenter pointed out, "You are operating the day to day under a structure she put in place," so a lot of the mental work was already done before she even left. And parenting is a marathon, not a sprint, so getting familiar with a specific list of "mental load" items that non-default parents might not think about can be helpful. Someone offered this helpful—if utterly daunting—list of some of those items:

Planning teacher gifts for the holidays and the end of school. - getting that parent’s contact info for that play date. - researching, budgeting, and scheduling summer activities and when to sign up for them the January/Feb prior. - finding that in network pediatric ophthalmologist for an eye appt. Research that new dentist, schedule your kids vaccines, review the medical records, schedule that well child visit. - researching, scheduling, and budgeting the school and extracurricular schedule in the summer for the fall and in October for the winter/spring. - making time to be the family historian (researching, budgeting, and scheduling a family photographer 2 times a year, researching how to pick/buy outfits for the whole family, selecting and printing any prints, creating and ordering a photo book, organizing photo files, and physically organizing keepsake storage).

Teaching your kids about their heritage with activities. Research your family tree. - be the memory maker and plan fun activities for the family. Book those theater tickets, schedule that museum trip, plan that day trip to hike that waterfall, plan that vacation, schedule 3 farm trips a year, prep for activities leading up to the holidays. - 4 times a year audit your household belongings. What do you need to sell? What do you need to donate? What remaining needs a better storage system? Research the products that will help you stay organized and buy them. follow home organizers on social media. - Check your kids shoes. How are they fitting? Research and order/consign new clothing. - trim your kids nails once a week and cut their hair as needed (or schedule their hair appt). - plan your kids birthday party 2 months in advance, research activities, food, party favors, and decor ideas. create the invites and send them out 5 weeks in advance. 2 weeks in advance order the cupcakes, decor, party outfit, and gift wrapping.

Check in with guests food allergies, rsvps, and buy the gifts. 1 week in advance wrap the gifts, assemble the party favors, and take some cute photos of the birthday kid in their special outfit. Pack a bin of supplies you’ll need for the day of the party (scissors, wire and cutters, tape, paper goods, trash bags, matches, etc). - buy those tickets to your kids concert. - keep that first aid kit stocked up. - keep up weekly with school/teacher correspondence and volunteer at your kids school. - back to school shopping. - holiday planning.

Buy Halloween costumes at the end of September, plan a pumpkin farm day trip. Schedule any Halloween parties. The weekend before carve pumpkins. Take pictures day of. Buy nutcracker tix in October/ November, plan gifts, budget, and order. Research decor ideas, get desired supplies, and make them in Nov. meal plan and coordinate with family for thanksgiving. Set up decor and buy gifts, Christmas outfits, and wrapping supplies Black Friday. Wrap gifts, take kids out separately to pick out presents for their siblings. Research and schedule holiday outings as a family. Take pictures. Design, order, and send cards. Meal plan. Coordinate with the relatives.

Buy valentines cards for your kids class at the end of Jan. - talk to your kids about safety and abuse prevention 2-6 times a year in addition to “as needed”. - read the latest parenting books, listen to parenting podcasts, follow parenting accounts on social media. - plan kids craft projects. - take your kids to the library and keep up with the borrowed books. rsvp, order, and wrap a birthday gift for all the kid birthday parties. Write a nice note in a card about the child. - write thank you notes after birthdays, end of school, end of activities, after the holidays, and as needed."

There you go. Not even an exhaustive list, but a solid start. Thanks to Ced for the reminder that the more we start putting ourselves in other people's shoes as parents and partners, the better off the whole family will be.

You can follow Ced on Instagram here.

This article originally appeared last year.

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A 13-year-old boy has become the first person to be cured of a deadly brain cancer

DIPG used to be a death sentence. Now there might be some hope.

Lucas Jemeljanova, then aged 5, with his parents and sister a year before he was diagnosed with DIPG. (via Facebook)
Lucas Jemeljanova poses with his family a year before being diagnosed with cancer (Facebook)

It's a parent's worst nightmare: Taking your child to the doctor and receiving a life-changing diagnosis. It only adds to the heartbreak when they find out there may be no effective treatment at all, and that all they can do is hope for the best.

Few diagnoses strike fear in the heart of parents and doctors more than a cancer called diffuse intrinsic pontine glioma, or DIPG. Primarily found in children, DIPG is a highly aggressive brain tumor that is uniformly fatal, with less than 10 percent of children surviving longer than two years after diagnosis. The tumors grow fast and on extremely vital areas like the spine and brain stem, making them exceptionally hard to remove. Though young patients have been treated with radiation, chemotherapy, and surgeries, no one had ever been cured of the fatal cancer.

But for the first time ever, a 13-year-old boy from Belgium named Lucas Jemeljanova has beaten the odds.


cancer, childhood cancer, pediatric cancer, kids, medicine, healthcare, research, innovation, clinical trials, DIPG Various brain scans. Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash

Diagnosed with DIPG at age six, Lucas’ doctor Jacques Grill told Lucas’ parents, Cedric and Olesja, that he was unlikely to live very long. Instead of giving up hope, Cedric and Olesja flew Lucas to France to participate in a clinical trial called BIOMEDE, which tested new potential drugs against DIPG.

Lucas was randomly assigned a medication called everolimus in the clinical trial, a chemotherapy drug that works by blocking a protein called mTOR. mTOR helps cancer cells divide and grow new blood vessels, while everolimus decreases blood supply to the tumor cells and stops cancer cells from reproducing. Everolimus, a tablet that’s taken once per day, has been approved in the UK and the US to treat cancers in the breast, kidneys, stomach, pancreas, and others—but until the BIOMEDE clinical trial, it had never before been used to treat DIPG.

cancer, childhood cancer, pediatric cancer, kids, medicine, healthcare, research, innovation, clinical trials, DIPG Lucas Jemeljanova poses with his mother (lesja Jemeljanova / Facebook)

Though doctors weren’t sure how Lucas would react to the medication, it quickly became clear that the results were good.

“Over a series of MRI scans, I watched as the tumor completely disappeared,” Grill said in an interview. Even more remarkably, the tumor has not returned since. Lucas, who is now thirteen, is considered officially cured of DIPG.

Even after the tumor was gone, Grill, who is the head of the Brain Tumor Program in the Department of Child and Teenage Oncology at Gustave Roussy cancer research hospital in Paris, was reluctant to stop Lucas’ treatments. Until about a year and a half ago, Lucas was still taking everolimus once every day.

“I didn’t know when to stop, or how, because there was no other reference in the world,” Grill said.

While Lucas is the only one in the clinical trial whose tumor has completely disappeared, seven other children have been considered “long responders” to everolimus, meaning their tumors have not progressed for more than three years after starting treatment.

cancer, childhood cancer, pediatric cancer, kids, medicine, healthcare, research, innovation, clinical trials, DIPG Lucas Jemeljanova with his mother (Facebook) (lesja Jemeljanova / Facebook)

So why did everolimus work so well for Lucas? Doctors think that an extremely rare genetic mutation in Lucas’ tumor “made its cells far more sensitive to the drug,” Grill said, while the drug worked well in other children because of the “biological peculiarities” of their tumors.

While everolimus is by no means a cure, the trial has provided real hope for parents and families of children diagnosed with DIPG. Doctors must now work to better understand why Lucas’ tumor responded so well to the drug and how they can replicate those results in tumor “organoids”—artificially-grown cells that resemble an organ. After that, said Marie-Anne Debily, a researcher in the BIOMEDE trial, “the next step will be to find a drug that works as well on tumor cells.”

A more recent clinical trial tested a new immunotherapy treatment on young DIPG patients and showed promising results. Many of the patients' tumors shrank and several participants saw functional improvements in their symptoms and day-to-day lives. But only one of the 11 patients has seen success that rivals Lucas' — a young man identified only as Drew, who has been thriving tumor-free for over four years after receiving treatment.

Once considered a definitive death sentence, there is real hope for the first time. But there's much more research and work to be done. Until then, however, Lucas’ doctors are thrilled.

“Lucas’ case offers real hope,” said Debily.

cancer, childhood cancer, pediatric cancer, kids, medicine, healthcare, research, innovation, clinical trials, DIPG Lucas Jemeljanova with his parents and sister (lesja Jemeljanova / Facebook)

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.


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'Let them play': Longtime teacher says today's kindergarten standards are out of control

Recess is being replaced with more and more worksheets.

@the_wondermint/TikTok

A teacher laments how hard kindergarten has gotten and the pressure on young kids.

It’s nothing new for parents to lament their kid’s ever-growing list of school requirements. From piles of homework to getting graded for school supplies, the pressures seem to be not only racking up over time, but spreading to younger and younger grades. And it’s not just parents who have noticed the shift.

Recently, longtime kindergarten teacher Ms. Kelli, of the TikTok account @the_wondermint, reflected on how different it is for students at even at the most introductory level: Kindergarten.

We all know how intense the pressure is for high schoolers looking to get into college. Two or three decades ago, SAT tutoring and prep courses were a luxury for wealthy families. Now they've viewed as essential. But what's taking parents, and teachers, off guard is how the elevated standards are trickling down to little kids who are barely out of diapers.

In the clip, Kelli begins, “So I just gotta ask, as a 20-year kindergarten teacher myself, remember when we went to kindergarten that we just had to be potty trained and not eat the glue?” Comparing that to the long list of requirements nowadays, the educator says she feels sorry for families going through it.

“My heart breaks when I see all these videos of what do you need to do to prepare your child for kindergarten, and things your child must know before going to kindergarten, and these lists of things that parents need to be working on.”

One teacher agreed in a recent Reddit thread: "When I first taught Kindergarten in Wisconsin in 2009 the standard was to count to thirty. By 2012, the standard had changed to one hundred."

kindergarten, school, education, kids, parents, parenting, teachers, curriculum, elementary school, generational differences, culture Modern curriculums have teachers feeling like this. Giphy

Another parent chimed in: "Our kindergarten has them count to 100. Know 40 sight words by the end of kindergarten. Begins teaching reading and phonics ... they learned to write their names within the first two weeks and are expected to do that and the date on every assignment. Each week they make a letter book for a different letter but they expected them to go into kindergarten knowing all their letters. They have math packet every week for take home. ... I mean I love it, he’s learning a lot but he does get quite a bit of work. Two packets do a week. So we do a page a night from each so it’s done by Thursday night."

(Remember, these kids are about five years old. They can barely eat spaghetti without drenching themselves in pasta sauce, and we're expecting them to sit down and do worksheets!)

Another added, "My son’s school routinely takes away recess. They do it if they don’t get enough school work finished during the day, or if the class misbehaves too much, or one single child can get it taken away. It’s also at the end of the day, so the kids are slaving away learning for six hours before maybe getting a break."

It's not just the parents who are noticing, either. A study out of the University of Virginia in 2016 found that kindergarten standards and curriculums at the time were far more similar to first grade curriculums from the previous decade. And the standards have only gotten higher since.

Keli says she's had enough. She argues that, “Human development hasn't changed. What a five or six-year-old child is physically, mentally and developmentally able to do hasn't changed, in all these years.”

Still, the standards have changed. And kids are paying the price.

So she encourages fellow teachers and parents to not force the educational aspect.

“The learning will come. The development will come, the ABCs, the one, two, threes, writing, all of it, it will come ... Curriculum, it will happen. The learning, it will happen,” she says.

@the_wondermint

Little bit of a plea and PSA for the day… let them be kids! #teachersontiktok #teachertok #teachersoftiktok #iteachk #kindergarten #ilovekindergarten #iloveteaching #foryoupage #teacherforyoupage #fypage #teacherfyp #playbasedlearning #seethewonderkeepitfresh #handsonlearning #reggioemilia #letthemexplore #parentsontiktok #parentsoftiktok #kindergartenparents #kinderprep #backtoschool

Instead of placing more pressure, Kelli suggests a gentler, simpler approach.

“Let them play, let them socialize with each other. Let them learn to be away from their mommy and daddy and be sad for a little bit and be comforted. Let them find friendships that are gonna make them laugh so hard that their bellies ache and tell stories that go home. Let them create something that they never thought they could. Let them do an art project where they turn a box into a robot and they’re so excited to show their parents!”

In short: “let kids be kids.”

Kelli’s video seemed to really resonate with parents and teachers alike, who have definitely felt like certain aspects of childhood have been sacrificed in the name of “productivity.” Especially when it comes to homework.

“Yes! My son struggled in Kindergarten last year and even had homework! I could not believe what all he had to know. Teacher said he had a hard time paying attention… yeah he is 5!” one mom shared.

“Finally someone said it,” added another. “The curriculum is insane for elementary school kiddos. They have absolutely lost their childhood.”

One person noted that “the kindergarten report card used to be things like skipping, walking on a balance beam, the hardest thing was counting to 100.”

kindergarten, school, education, kids, parents, parenting, teachers, curriculum, elementary school, generational differences, culture Learning to skip used to be the hardest part of kindergarten. Giphy

As for whether or not a more academic-focused approach to kindergarten is, in fact, less beneficial to kids— a 2019 study in the American Educational Research Journal did find that it led to improvements, both academic and interpersonal, in the long run.

But that doesn’t necessarily mean we need to load them up with a ton of work for after school. Another study reported that elementary school students, on average, are assigned three times the recommended amount of homework.

This is why Kelli created a follow up video sharing why she doesn’t assign homework to her own students.

@the_wondermint

Replying to @Drea_keevs Controversial but yet it shouldn’t be… 5 year olds should not be doing homework! Talk as a family, snuggle and read, enjoy their favorite sport activity, have a dance party! Their days are filled inside school, make the time outside of school good for their hearts and souls! #t#teachersontiktokt#teachertokt#teachersoftiktoki#iteachkk#kindergarteni#ilovekindergarteni#iloveteachingf#foryoupaget#teacherforyoupagef#fypaget#teacherfypp#playbasedlearnings#seethewonderkeepitfreshh#handsonlearningr#reggioemilial#letthemexploreparentsontiktok #parentsoftiktok #parentingtips #homework #homeworkhelp

“We are covering what we’re covering in the five or six hours with these little babies, and if we can’t cover that in that time, we’re definitely not gonna get the best out of them at 5, 6 o’clock at night when they’re tired and they should be enjoying time with their family,” she said.

She does, however, advocate trying to instill a “love of reading,” if you can count that as homework. But even then, that assignment looks more like snuggling in bed, cozying up with a book, and having their parents read it to them.

Point being: of course school is meant to help set up students for success. But if it robs them of their precious, formative, and oh-so-temporary childhood, then is it really worth it?

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.


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