mental load

Parents today share responsibilities more equally than in past generations, but studies show childcare still falls disproportionately on women's shoulders. Some families choose one parent to take on the lion's share of childrearing and/or domestic duties, and if that works, great. Other couples work similar hours and have to figure out how to equally split home duties, but however the household is structured, mothers most often tend to be the "default parent" and household manager.

That means it's mostly moms that are constantly thinking about managing the million little details of parenting. The big things like feeding, bathing, transporting, teaching life lessons and such are fairly easy to share equitably. But the invisible work—keeping track of routine doctor and dentist appointments, communicating with teachers can caregivers, keeping extended family updated, figuring out what clothes to keep and get rid of as kids outgrow them, keeping the family calendar up-to-date, etc.—that's all part of the "mental load" of parenting that moms tend to carry, often without their partners even being aware they're doing it.

That's why one dad's confession after getting a taste of solo parenting has gotten a huge reaction. Cedric Thompson, Jr., a former NFL player and dad of three daughters, shared a video explaining that he didn't really understand the mental load his wife was carrying until she went to visit family in the Philippines for eight days, leaving him home alone with the kids.

"I've been a single dad for 8 days because my wife is in the Philippines and I had no idea it was this tough," he said with a sleeping child cradled in his arms. He explained that he was prepared for the cleaning, the transporting kids back and forth, the unexpected sickness, the feeding, and the sleeping. "But one thing I was not prepared for was the mental load," he said. "I had no idea it felt like this. To think about things that need to be done that haven't been done or things that I need to plan to do is so draining that I don't even have the energy to take care of myself at all."

This is why dads need to step into moms' shoes once in a while

"And now that I understand this, I have so much empathy for my wife," he said, "and I truly understand what she means by this 'mental load' and how draining it is. This has really opened my eyes and made me ask myself, what more can I be doing? What has been going on that I haven't been seeing and it's right in front of me? How can I step up the way that my wife needs me to instead of doing things that I think are helping?"

"I know I can't always take the mental load away, but I can definitely make it lighter."

There's a significant difference between assisting and managing, and when you're the sole parent for a while, you're forced to take on the management role. Eight days isn't very long, but it's enough to get a taste of being the one who to think about all the things all day. It's a lot. As Thompson wrote in the caption, "The endless planning, remembering, and organizing is exhausting in ways I never understood before. The most profound lessons come when we walk in someone else’s shoes, even if just for a little while."

Some people asked what he's been doing this whole time when his wife is home, but it seems some of those folks might be missing the point. This is an involved dad and husband, not a slouch. But even those who want to and try to share the load equally don't always know how to help with the mental load of the default parent because it's mostly internal. And trying to explain it and figuring out how to ask for help with some of it just adds more work, not to mention we don't even always know ourselves what we need help with. Stepping into the shoes of the default parent is really the best way to get a feel for what might be helpful without adding more to their plate.

The "mental load" is invisible, so it's nice to have it seen and validated

Some commenters weighed in with thoughts and tips for lightening the mental load;

"Pro tip: when your wife asks you what she should make for dinner, she’s trying to share the mental load with you. So just give her a straightforward answer."

"I love this…it’s called validation, empathy, and love🥰 Thank you for sharing this. The realization and verbalization of it makes the load lighter. Sometimes mental heaviness is worse than the physical."

"Really appreciate this post and how you explained yourself. The ‘mental load’ is that never-ending list running through our minds every single minute of the day. It’s the constant inner monologue of everything that needs to get done, the overwhelming pressure of how to get it all done, and the invisible timeline that gives you anxiety when you don’t meet it—even though you set those standards yourself.

It’s the feeling of failing if you don’t check every box. Walking into a room and forgetting why you’re there, only to lose your mind later when you finally remember—but now you’ve got ten other tasks at hand. It’s the frustration when you realize that everything you just cleaned is already dirty again.

Sometimes, it’s not even about what men do or don’t do; it’s the weight of our own thoughts that get to us. But when someone helps lighten that load, even just a little, it means everything."

"I love this. But to answer your question, the way you take the mental load away is you pretend you have to do it alone even when she comes back. Because that’s the reason she has mental load. Because she feels like she has to do most of it alone, even if you’re always there to “help”. That’s why I hate the word help. It implies that this is all her job. You’re doing well but keep digging deeper 💗 I do appreciate this post."

What exactly does the parental "mental load" entail? Here's a partial list.

And yes, there is a need to go deeper. As one commenter pointed out, "You are operating the day to day under a structure she put in place," so a lot of the mental work was already done before she even left. And parenting is a marathon, not a sprint, so getting familiar with a specific list of "mental load" items that non-default parents might not think about can be helpful. Someone offered this helpful—if utterly daunting—list of some of those items:

Planning teacher gifts for the holidays and the end of school. - getting that parent’s contact info for that play date. - researching, budgeting, and scheduling summer activities and when to sign up for them the January/Feb prior. - finding that in network pediatric ophthalmologist for an eye appt. Research that new dentist, schedule your kids vaccines, review the medical records, schedule that well child visit. - researching, scheduling, and budgeting the school and extracurricular schedule in the summer for the fall and in October for the winter/spring. - making time to be the family historian (researching, budgeting, and scheduling a family photographer 2 times a year, researching how to pick/buy outfits for the whole family, selecting and printing any prints, creating and ordering a photo book, organizing photo files, and physically organizing keepsake storage).

Teaching your kids about their heritage with activities. Research your family tree. - be the memory maker and plan fun activities for the family. Book those theater tickets, schedule that museum trip, plan that day trip to hike that waterfall, plan that vacation, schedule 3 farm trips a year, prep for activities leading up to the holidays. - 4 times a year audit your household belongings. What do you need to sell? What do you need to donate? What remaining needs a better storage system? Research the products that will help you stay organized and buy them. follow home organizers on social media. - Check your kids shoes. How are they fitting? Research and order/consign new clothing. - trim your kids nails once a week and cut their hair as needed (or schedule their hair appt). - plan your kids birthday party 2 months in advance, research activities, food, party favors, and decor ideas. create the invites and send them out 5 weeks in advance. 2 weeks in advance order the cupcakes, decor, party outfit, and gift wrapping.

Check in with guests food allergies, rsvps, and buy the gifts. 1 week in advance wrap the gifts, assemble the party favors, and take some cute photos of the birthday kid in their special outfit. Pack a bin of supplies you’ll need for the day of the party (scissors, wire and cutters, tape, paper goods, trash bags, matches, etc). - buy those tickets to your kids concert. - keep that first aid kit stocked up. - keep up weekly with school/teacher correspondence and volunteer at your kids school. - back to school shopping. - holiday planning.

Buy Halloween costumes at the end of September, plan a pumpkin farm day trip. Schedule any Halloween parties. The weekend before carve pumpkins. Take pictures day of. Buy nutcracker tix in October/ November, plan gifts, budget, and order. Research decor ideas, get desired supplies, and make them in Nov. meal plan and coordinate with family for thanksgiving. Set up decor and buy gifts, Christmas outfits, and wrapping supplies Black Friday. Wrap gifts, take kids out separately to pick out presents for their siblings. Research and schedule holiday outings as a family. Take pictures. Design, order, and send cards. Meal plan. Coordinate with the relatives.

Buy valentines cards for your kids class at the end of Jan. - talk to your kids about safety and abuse prevention 2-6 times a year in addition to “as needed”. - read the latest parenting books, listen to parenting podcasts, follow parenting accounts on social media. - plan kids craft projects. - take your kids to the library and keep up with the borrowed books. rsvp, order, and wrap a birthday gift for all the kid birthday parties. Write a nice note in a card about the child. - write thank you notes after birthdays, end of school, end of activities, after the holidays, and as needed."

There you go. Not even an exhaustive list, but a solid start. Thanks to Ced for the reminder that more we start putting ourselves on other people's shoes as parents and partners, the better off the whole family will be.

You can follow Ced on Instagram here.