child-free

While people who choose to be child-free are completely happy for their friends who do have kids, the difference in lifestyles and priorities can start to cause riffs in many otherwise strong friendships.

A lot of the dissonance can come from the fact that, understandably, being a parent is a major part of someone’s identity. It’s not just about being bombarded with baby pictures, but the way 99% of conversations and activities steer towards things kid-related that is alienating and aggravating.

Thai is what prompted a gal who goes by @circulargurl on TikTok to create a video sharing her list of things parents should not be doing around their child-free friends. And while the video did ruffle some feathers, it brought up some interesting things to consider.

First off in her “rules of decorum”: not hijacking the conversation to talk about the kids, which she assured happens way more often than parents think it does.

I know that most of you think you are not talking about your kids. Cut that back 80%,” she said. “I can guarantee you you're talking about your children most of the conversation. And while we want to hear about your kids ... we don't have children so, we really can't relate so it's a very one-sided conversation.”

Similarly for rule #2: no “logistics.”

For this she gave an example, saying “This summer, when talking with my friends with kids, the amount of conversations I heard which are especially one-sided are about your logistics of getting your kids to activities, summer camps, all of that.”

Why is this a no no? A) It’s “boring.” And B) again, it’s “one-sided.”

Next, she asked parents (or people in a partnered relationship, for that matter) to refrain from asking their kid-free or unpartnered friends about their dating life. For one thing, she says that “the dating landscape has changed greatly, and it's a bloodbath,” since COVID, and might be a touchy subject. But even still, romance might not might not be the “center” of their ambitions at the moment. Instead, try to “explore other topics.”

This woman also has a rule that if a child-free friend is visiting from out of town, please do not take them to a kid’s birthday party as an activity. And she seemed to feel strongly about this, saying “it's rude, frankly ... you then put us into a situation where we're with a bunch of other parents and other kids, and we don't identify with that at all. And it's not a place where adult conversation can be had. It's not interesting.”

“We're generally trapped because if we're visiting you from out of town, we're then trapped at the location you brought us to with a bunch of kids and parents we don't know, you know, all talking about our topic, we don't necessarily have an interest in.”

As far as bowing out of plans, the OP added a rule prohibiting using the excuse of “‘My husband won't let me” to cancel, something that a “staggering amount” of her friends have done, apparently.

While she understands that things come up, her use is the “off-putting” phrasing, since “there's something in it that makes it seem like spending time with you is something that they have to somehow come to an agreement on because it's not important.”

But to that point, she begged for parents to “please, please, please” to do their best to come to their kid free friends events.

“Please, please, please, come to our events — our birthdays, our career milestone celebrations. Those are our events. We didn't have a wedding. We didn't have an engagement party. We didn't have a bridal shower. We didn't have a baby shower. We didn't have any of that. If we have an event, it's just as important as those, and if you don't make it, that is an insult.”

And for those who truly can’t come, an actual “check-in” from time to tiem works wonders.

“If you have a friend who lives alone and you go months without checking in with them, it's just not, it's not okay. People who are unpartnered and don't have kids are often sent an inordinate amount of time alone. I don't know what you think they're doing, but they're alone a lot of the time. It can be very isolating. So, please, please, please make a habit of checking in with them, and don't expect them to always check in with you.”

Last, but certainly not least, the OP encourages parents to not make offhanded comments expressing jealousy.

“Don't be envious of the time you think we have…don't be envious of our career advances…we all make our choices. The best way to lose adult friends is to be envious of them. And I see that happening with so much tension happening between ... very successful single child-free women and their mother friends who take a few years to slow down in their careers…it's something we don't talk about enough and we all need to get a little bit more comfortable with it. Not to say mothers cannot be very, very successful, very, very successful, but they're there. You can't have everything all at the same time.”

And that’s that. Eight rules for parents who want to keep their child-free friends in mind.

The video certainly resonated with other child-fre folks who often felt isolated during interactions with their mom friends. One viewer stated “this is such an important topic to talk about + conversation to have. Couples have been prioritized, celebrated + centered for so long. Adults who tackle life alone need validation, respect + support.”

Still, though it goes without saying, so much of this boils down to what makes any friendship work—respecting boundaries, being aware of personal interests, making an effort to stay in touch, etc. As one person put it, “these are all great as long as it’s a two way street and the single/childless friends are also asking how the parents and kids are doing and show interest in their children. It should be reciprocal IMO.”

Maintaining adult friendships is hard. Period. But they are oh so important. So while this set of rules might not be the end-all-be-all for everyone, it’s certainly a conversation worth having…and could end up proving helpful for parents looking to hold onto a bit of themselves that has nothing to do with being a parent (also very important).