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Mom shares a beautiful positive parenting example when her 6-year-old was rude to her

Mom shares a beautiful positive parenting example when her 6-year-old was rude to her

No matter how great a parent you are and how well you teach your children how to behave, kids are occasionally going to be less-than-pleasurable to be around. They are human, after all. And they are engaged in an intense, years-long process of learning about being human, growing and change rapidly through various phases and stages.

As parents, it can be hard to figure out how to help them through all of that. Especially when they're pushing our own emotional buttons.

Mom and educator Dr. Chawanna B. Chambers— or "Dr. Chae," as she goes by on her website—shared a parenting tale from her own life that offers us all a beautiful example of how to teach a child who is seemingly acting disrespectful how to manage their responses. For many parents, a child talking back or being rude is met with immediate anger or sternness—perhaps an instinctual response from their own upbringing or beliefs about respecting our elders.

But for Chambers, her 6-year-old speaking rudely was an opportunity to teach a lesson about our brains and how we can head off a problematic interaction before it starts.

"I noticed that my 6-yo was being a lil rude/curt w/me, so I asked her what was up," Chambers wrote. "At first, she just looked at me, so I reiterated that I can't help her if I don't know what's wrong.


"Then I asked, 'Why are you being unkind to me? What happened?'

"She looked at me and said, 'I don't know,' and started crying. I told her, 'It's okay. Sometimes mommy just doesn't feel happy too. You're not in trouble. I just needed to know how to help.'"

Gold from the get-go. Even just asking the question, "Why are you being unkind to me?" invites a child to think through their thoughts and emotions in a way that doesn't put them in a space of fear or defensiveness. And having mom reiterate that she understands how it feels to not know why you're unhappy and share that she wants to help gives her daughter room to do this important work.

"She said, 'My brain tells me to be rude,'" Chambers went on. "I told her that's sort of how it happens for lots of people. When our emotions aren't happy, sometimes we take it out on others even when they don't deserve it.

"She asked, 'Wait. Your brain does it too?!' I told her yes, and then I asked her if I could teach her something that might help. She said yes, so I told her, 'When you aren't quite feeling right but don't want to be mean, you can say, "I'm not feeling my best self; I need a min."'"

Empathy. Compassion. Education. Concrete ideas for what to do instead of what they're doing. It's like a master class in positive, supportive parenting techniques.

Chambers continued:

"So, we practiced saying that over and over again until she felt better. She gave me a hug and stopped crying. I think about all the ways I *could've* responded, particularly a power trip bc 'I'm the adult,' but she needed to process something not even about me."

That right there is such a key thing that's easy to miss as a parent. So many times when our kids are expressing frustrations in our direction, they have nothing to do with us personally. We are merely a safe space for them to vent, and they may not even know why. That doesn't mean we should let them speak to us any old way they feel like it in the moment, but it does mean we can utilize that space to help them work through whatever they're feeling and figure out a different way of expressing themselves.

"Trying to be slower to projection or anger has really given me an opportunity to coach my children on emotional maturity," Chambers reflected. "Even at 6, she can learn how to challenge her own thoughts. She can learn how her brain works and the best ways to engage w/others."

Yes. Children are far better at this kind of emotional work than we give them credit for. It takes time and patience, but it pays off in the long run.

With a background in education, Chambers may have a leg up on many of us in terms of understanding child psychology and explaining it on a child's level, but that doesn't mean we can't all do our best to focus on empathy and education in our own parenting.

Not only does this kind of approach help kids learn how to manage their behavior, but it also strengthens bonds between parent and child. When your kiddo knows they can trust you to help them and not hurt them, when they get the message that their feelings are normal and they can learn to manage them, when they see that their mom or dad also have the same struggles they do sometimes and can help them through it, they know they've got support.

Our job is to teach them as the humans they are, not train them like animals at obedience school. And most importantly, we teach respect by exhibiting ourselves. When a child behaves in a way that's contrary to what we expect and what we've taught them, it usually means they're struggling with something. And nothing is more respectful than listening, acknowledging, empathizing, and helping when someone is clearly struggling.

Children learn what they live, as the saying goes. Thank you, Dr. Chae, for offering a beautiful example of what that looks like in action.

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Celebrate International Women's Day with these stunning photos of female leaders changing the world

The portraits, taken by acclaimed photographer Nigel Barker, are part of CARE's "She Leads the World" campaign.

Images provided by CARE

Kadiatu (left), Zainab (right)

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Women are breaking down barriers every day. They are transforming the world into a more equitable place with every scientific discovery, athletic feat, social justice reform, artistic endeavor, leadership role, and community outreach project.

And while these breakthroughs are happening all the time, International Women’s Day (Mar 8) is when we can all take time to acknowledge the collective progress, and celebrate how “She Leads the World.

This year, CARE, a leading global humanitarian organization dedicated to empowering women and girls, is celebrating International Women’s Day through the power of portraiture. CARE partnered with high-profile photographer Nigel Barker, best known for his work on “America’s Next Top Model,” to capture breathtaking images of seven remarkable women who have prevailed over countless obstacles to become leaders within their communities.

“Mabinty, Isatu, Adama, and Kadiatu represent so many women around the world overcoming incredible obstacles to lead their communities,” said Michelle Nunn, President and CEO of CARE USA.

Barker’s bold portraits, as part of CARE’s “She Leads The World” campaign, not only elevate each woman’s story, but also shine a spotlight on how CARE programs helped them get to where they are today.

About the women:

Mabinty

international womens day, care.org

Mabinty is a businesswoman and a member of a CARE savings circle along with a group of other women. She buys and sells groundnuts, rice, and fuel. She and her husband have created such a successful enterprise that Mabinty volunteers her time as a teacher in the local school. She was the first woman to teach there, prompting a second woman to do so. Her fellow teachers and students look up to Mabinty as the leader and educator she is.

Kadiatu

international womens day, care.org

Kadiatu supports herself through a small business selling food. She also volunteers at a health clinic in the neighboring village where she is a nursing student. She tests for malaria, works with infants, and joins her fellow staff in dancing and singing with the women who visit the clinic. She aspires to become a full-time nurse so she can treat and cure people. Today, she leads by example and with ambition.

Isatu

international womens day, care.org

When Isatu was three months pregnant, her husband left her, seeking his fortune in the gold mines. Now Isatu makes her own way, buying and selling food to support her four children. It is a struggle, but Isatu is determined to be a part of her community and a provider for her kids. A single mother of four is nothing if not a leader.

Zainab

international womens day, care.org

Zainab is the Nurse in Charge at the Maternal Child Health Outpost in her community. She is the only nurse in the surrounding area, and so she is responsible for the pre-natal health of the community’s mothers-to-be and for the safe delivery of their babies. In a country with one of the world’s worst maternal death rates, Zainab has not lost a single mother. The community rallies around Zainab and the work she does. She describes the women who visit the clinic as sisters. That feeling is clearly mutual.

Adama

international womens day, care.org

Adama is something few women are - a kehkeh driver. A kehkeh is a three-wheeled motorcycle taxi, known elsewhere as a tuktuk. Working in the Kissy neighborhood of Freetown, Adama is the primary breadwinner for her family, including her son. She keeps her riders safe in other ways, too, by selling condoms. With HIV threatening to increase its spread, this is a vital service to the community.

Ya Yaebo

international womens day, care.org

“Ya” is a term of respect for older, accomplished women. Ya Yaebo has earned that title as head of her local farmers group. But there is much more than that. She started as a Village Savings and Loan Association member and began putting money into her business. There is the groundnut farm, her team buys and sells rice, and own their own oil processing machine. They even supply seeds to the Ministry of Agriculture. She has used her success to the benefit of people in need in her community and is a vocal advocate for educating girls, not having gone beyond grade seven herself.

On Monday, March 4, CARE will host an exhibition of photography in New York City featuring these portraits, kicking off the multi-day “She Leads the World Campaign.

Learn more, view the portraits, and join CARE’s International Women's Day "She Leads the World" celebration at CARE.org/sheleads.


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