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'Your kids do not come first': Texas dad's controversial parenting opinions stir up debate

'Your kids do not come first': Texas dad's controversial parenting opinions stir up debate
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Matt Martin, 28, of Dallas, Texas has created a bit of a stir on the internet for writing a piece on marriage published by Love What Matters. Martin is a performer who wrote, directed, and starred in a 2016 version of "Little Mermaid" and wrote 2018's "Inhumane" starring Michelle Money.

In his piece, the father of young twin boys, stresses that a marriage is between two people (possibly three) and that children should not come first. Martin starts the article by claiming that a marriage is between two people and God and that their relationship should take precedence over all others.

"My Aunt Steph, one of the smartest, most blunt people I know, told me before I got married, 'People say you marry the family too. That's not true. Your marriage is between you two.' I'm not saying your family isn't important. I value my family a lot (not as much as my wife does, but still…). You need them to lean on when life gets hard and to lift you guys up, but I didn't marry her mom and she didn't marry my dad. We had to learn to go to each other first when life threw us curveballs, instead of instinctually going to our parents. We're a family now, and that family comes first."

Martin believes that being married and having children shouldn't prevent you from achieving your personal goals. In fact, our partners are here to support us in achieving them.

Personally, I think this is a very important point in a relationship. If your spouse is a hindrance to you achieving your personal goals instead of a source of support, there may be serious troubles in your relationship.

Our pastor told us in a pre-marital counseling session, that as a couple we'd have goals, and as individuals we would have goals. To succeed as a couple, we would both tackle those goals. Sometimes I would be the captain (like when tackling mine) and sometimes Sara would be. But we'd both be working towards that goal. That's the beauty of marriage. You've got this life partner to raise you up. Like Kim and Kanye.



This is the part that has people talking:

A big humongous monstrosity of a lesson I've learned that I PRAY that all of you will strongly take into consideration, is that your kids do not come first. Our kids are sooo important and are the future and all that fun jazz, but what's best for them is a beautiful example of two people who love each other (and God). Another great thing for them to know is that they are not the center of the universe. Sorry if you're reading this in the future, Jack and Cam and any other children we may have had, but you're not the center of my universe. Sometimes I've wanted you to be really badly, but that's not going to do you any favors, and it won't do me any favors when you leave home (please leave home). You can't put your spouse on the back burner for eighteen years and then say 'Oh, hey, you can be my number one again.'

Here, Martin makes an important point about parenting. He believes that raising children who believe they are the center of the universe is bad for them in the long run. It's true. Children who are raised thinking they should be catered to are going to learn some very hard lessons when they become an adult.

When parents cater to a child's every whim it leads to a sense of entitlement that, as an adult, can result in depression and poor relationships.

The piece stirred up a passionate discussion on the Batdad Facebook page where some agreed that marriage should be the primary relationship in a family, while others think that a child's needs come first.

Some believe that putting your marriage first creates a better environment where children can thrive.

"A marriage needs to come first. An unstable home is detrimental to children's psychological and emotional wellbeing. My spouse and I will make our children wait for our attention of we are having a discussion that is important … I prioritize my marriage and my children flourish and thrive because of it," — Natalie

"I feel like you should put yourself first before your kids. If you aren't in a good place, it will reflect onto everything else," — Christine

While others believe that adults should put their needs second to those of their kids.

"Sanctimonious at best.... my wife and I have always put our children first.... we have love and mutual respect for each other and that will never change! But raising our children will always be a priority because it's a job that transcends anything else.... if you're married to someone who insists that they are a priority over the children you both brought into this world.... is basically selfish ... self absorbed and self centered!" — Jeff

"My kids will always be first. My husband is an adult who can take care of himself and who understands when my kids need me. We still make time to watch movies together and be with each other," — Olivia

You can read Martin's entire piece at Love What Matters.

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Education

Unearthed BBC interview features two Victorian-era women discussing being teens in the 1800s

Frances 'Effy' Jones, one of the first women to be trained to use a typewriter and to take up cycling as a hobby, recalls life as a young working woman in London.

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Two Victorian women discuss being teens in the 1800s.

There remains some mystery around what life was like in the 1800s, especially for teens. As time marches on, we're moving further and further away from the Victorian era and what life was like for the people living through it. Thankfully, though, relics have survived that are not just historical treasures, but connections our human family now since passed. In this rediscovered 1970s clip from the BBC, two elderly women reminisce about what it was like being teenagers during a time when the horse and buggy was still the fastest way to get around.

While cars were just around the corner from being the common mode of transportation toward the end of the 19th century, it's pretty wild to imagine what these women experienced. Frances "Effy" Jones explained how, at age 17, she was encouraged by her brother to check out this new machine in a storefront window. Turns out that machine was a typewriter and, after being trained on how to use it, Jones would sit in the store window typing while people outside gathered to watch. Before long, classes began popping up for women to learn how to use a typewriter, starting a new movement for women of that era.

The second woman, Berta Ruck, told the BBC that she would get into a bit of trouble at boarding school for drawing instead of completing school work. This talent took Ruck to art school in London where she rode buses around town, attempting to avoid mud getting on her long skirt. But Ruck explained that it never worked and she would spend hours brushing the mud from her skirt before wearing it out again. I'm sure you're thinking, buses? They weren't the buses we would see nowadays. These were double-decker horse-pulled carriages. It may be hard to imagine, but life was just as vibrant and bustling then as it is now. Check out the video below to learn more:


This article originally appeared three years ago.

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Parenting

Expert interviewed 70 parents of highly successful adults and found they had one thing in common

Is this the secret to success?

via Canva/Photos

A woman sitting in the corner office.

There is an ongoing debate over which parenting style is better for children, authoritative or permissive. Should parents provide structure and have strict expectations or prioritize the child’s happiness and act more like a friend than a parent? If parents want to raise a successful person with entrepreneurial qualities, the answer is neither.

For her book “Raising an Entrepreneur: How to Help Your Children Achieve Their Dreams,” Margot Machol Bisnow interviewed 70 parents of highly successful people from all different family structures to find what they had in common. The result was 99 stories of people who are now changing the world that show readers how to raise creative, confident, resilient children filled with joy and purpose. In addition to being a writer, Bisnow is a mom, parenting expert, and former FTC Commissioner.

“It was an extremely diverse group — of different races, religions, income, family structure and education,” she wrote about the families profiled in her book for CNBC. “But as I talked to each, I discovered a common theme: respectful parenting.”

What is respectful parenting?

Respectful parenting differs from authoritative and permissive parenting and combines some elements of both. A respectfully parented child will have expectations for academics and behavior but can choose their after-school activities and follow their interests. These children are allowed to explore and are free from following hard-set rules. Instead, they are treated more like adults than children.

success, parenting, raising an entreprenuerParents and their daughter looking at the computer.via Canva/Photos

How do you raise children to become successful?

While researching her book, Bisnow found that the parents of highly successful people often went to extremes when allowing their kids to follow their passions. “Every single one of these ‘extreme’ things the parents are doing is listening to their child. And, they’re taking what their child says seriously, as opposed to saying, ‘I’m the parent, I know best,’” Bisnow told CNBC.

Respectfully parented children are given plenty of opportunities to develop the confidence they need to become successful as adults. They learn to believe in themselves, pursue their passions, find new ways to solve problems, and develop single-minded determination to achieve their goals. Kids who are allowed to follow their hearts as children are likelier to pursue their dreams as adults because they believe in themselves.

success, parenting, raising an entreprenuerA child learning how to play the guitar.via Canva/Photos


Bisnow’s work counters the idea that children must be forced down a narrow path of achievement to become successful adults. Highly successful adults learn as children how to find opportunities others don’t think exist and attempt new endeavors even though they may not have the proper credentials. This mindset is entirely different from children who are raised to follow rigid rules and traditional tracts for academic and career development.

“I think the major myth is that there is a precise path that must be followed,” Bisnow told Planning to Wealth. “In fact, that’s not true: the important thing is to follow where your child wants to go, not mandate that direction. The direction has to come from the bottom up, not the top down. I had a tennis player and a songwriter when my kids were in high school. We don't play tennis, and we don't write music. Those were their passions, not mine.”

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Parenting

Retired elementary school teacher shares biggest parenting mistake she saw during long career

Few people understand kids better than elementary school teachers.

Photo by April Walker on Unsplash
Retired elementary school teacher shares biggest parenting mistake she saw during long career

Few people understand kids better than elementary school teachers. Not only do they spend all day with kids, but teachers get to know their students' parents pretty well, too. From parent-teacher conferences to field trips and snack days, it's a collaborative relationship meant to foster their child's development. (And let's be real: what parent hasn't gotten a call from their child's teacher to discuss their *questionable* behavior in the classroom?)

Teachers are full of wisdom about kids, which is why TikToker @elenanico22 interviewed her mom Lisa, a retired elementary school teacher, in an advice video. She asked her mom to share her insights on the question: "What's one thing you saw people messing up with their kids?"

And her response was simple: "They didn't enjoy them." Elena asks her mom to elaborate, and she goes on to share, "Kids are fun. You’ve got to enjoy them. They wanted them to be something that — most of us aren’t exactly what other people want us to be — so enjoy the kid you have."

@elenanico22

Lisa says it like it is #momlife #momsoftiktok #momwisdom #momtok #momhumor #parenting #parentingwisdom

Of course, Lisa fully accepted her own daughter, and turns to Elena in the video and says, "I enjoyed you."

And the comments were flooded with positive replies from parents to her response. "Kids aren’t a chore, they’re a joy. 🥰," one wrote. Another added, "Parents are stressed, and they don’t realize how quickly childhood goes by."

ParentsKids Love GIF by Pudgy PenguinsGiphy

The post also resonated with other teachers and professionals who work with kids. "This is so true. I work in childcare and lots of parents literally cannot stand their kids. They get so angry when we close. They can’t wait to drop them off and pickup last minute. Breaks my heart," one commented. Another wrote, "Toddler teacher. Same. So heartbreaking. I saw it a lot when I worked with highly educated parents with high incomes." And another teacher chimed in with, "So true. As a elementary teacher sometimes playing Barbie Dreamhouse with my 4 y/o is the last thing I want to do but I always do because I know I'll be wishing for it one day ♥️." And another professional shared, "As a pediatrician, I agree."

The video concluded with another piece of strong advice from Lisa, who also dropped this nugget: "Never send your kid to school with carrots." The reason? She explained a story involving a prominent doctor at her school who was "super strict" with what his kids could and could not eat at school.

Carrotshamster GIFGiphy

"So of course what did the kids want? Everything they couldn't," she said. "You are bound to have kids who are going to have food issues."

And plenty of parents offered their thoughts on this. "Omg I love her! Please post more. As a mom I’m enjoying time with my kids, loving their personalities and so anti food restriction teaching them intuitive eating. Because I wasn’t taught those things," one commented. Another shared, "The food statement is so true. My son shared that a boy from his class (who has food restrictions) steals the other kids snacks at school! 🙈❤️😂"

Parenting

Teenage girl shamed for her ‘distracting’ outfit fights back in a very funny way

“[Because] she has a figure she was told she had to change.”

Photo from Facebook page.

A clever message written on her T-shirt.

A Lawton, Oklahoma, student who goes by the Facebook user name Rose Lynn had the last laugh after being sent home from school for wearing an outfit deemed "distracting." Rose Lynn believes her outfit attracted the attention of school officials because of her figure.

She proved it by posting a photo on Facebook of her modest outfit, which consisted of black leggings, a t-shirt, long cardigan, and boots. In her post, she wrote that she was sent home "because I'm developed farther than the average girl my age," and because she's a "CURVY woman." Rose Lynn also thinks the appropriate response shouldn't have been to tell her to cover up, but to teach boys to "to respect the boundaries of young ladies."

Her father, Lance Miles, agrees with her. "If she was built like a board or as round as a ball she wouldn't have been sent home but [since] she has a figure she was told she had to change," he said in the comments of her Facebook post.

"This is 100 percent on [Lawton Public Schools] because they have left the rule up to interpretation. She has been taught that if you believe in something, do what you must and be prepared for the consequences. She has done that," he continued.

Rose Lynn's post:

"So today I was sent home from class, after being in school for two hours, for my outfit. Because I'm developed farther than the average girl my age, I am required to go home and change... Because I look like a CURVY woman and may distract young boys, I have to miss class and change my outfit.

So once again, society has failed to advocate young ladies, by confining them in a box, where they are stripped from their sense of self respect and self expression, rather than teaching young men to respect the boundaries of young ladies. My response: #Feminism #YoullDistractTheBoys #SocietyIsFailing"
school policy, sexism, women, Oklahoma

The before and after images for following a dress code.

Photo from Facebook page.


On the day Rose Lynn was sent home, she was due to take a 20-minute algebra exam. She asked school officials if she could take the test before changing her outfit, but her request was denied. So the next day, she got her revenge.

Rose Lynn returned to school wearing an oversize t-shirt. On the front she scribbled a quote from school officials in black Sharpie, "It doesn't cover your crotch"; on the back, "You'll distract the boys." That day, Rose Lynn was called to the office and sent home again. This time it wasn't for her outfit but for not wearing her student I.D., which she had left in the classroom after being called to the office.


This article originally appeared five years ago.

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Teachers

A teacher asked a great question about superintendent pay. Then, all hell broke loose.

Her earnest question about inequality in our education system was met with a grotesque abuse of power.

Why should a superintendent get a raise while teachers in the same district struggling to make ends meet see their paychecks flatline — year after year after year?

Teacher Deyshia Hargrave begged the question. Minutes later, she was handcuffed and placed in the backseat of a cop car. The scene was captured below by YouTube user Chris Rosa, who attended a board meeting for Vermilion Parish Schools in Louisiana. You can watch Hargrave begin speaking about 33 seconds in. The situation starts becoming contentious around 6:35 minutes. Hargrave is arrested at 8:35, and then walked outside in handcuffs and placed in the back of police vehicle.


Teacher Deyshia Hargrave was questioning the school board how they can vote to give the superintendent a raise when school employees have not gotten a raise ...

"We work very hard with very little to maintain the salaries that we have," Hargrave, who teaches middle school language arts, said during a public comment portion of the meeting, stating that she's seen classroom sizes balloon during her time at the school with no increased compensation. "We're meeting those goals, while someone in that position of leadership [the superintendent] is getting raise? It's a sad, sad day to be a teacher in Vermilion Parish."

According to comments Hargrave made to BuzzFeed News, she believes Superintendent Jerome Puyau was already making $110,000 before the board voted to give him a raise of $38,000. The raise alone is roughly the salary of "a teacher, or two cafeteria workers, or two janitors," Hargrave told the outlet.

After Hargrave spoke out again later in the meeting, a city marshal on duty asked her to leave — even though the school board was still addressing her.

"You're going to leave, or I'm going to remove you," the officer told her, as seen in the video. Many people in attendance seemed shocked. "Are you serious?" someone asked, aghast, in the crowd.

Hargrave leaves the room, followed by the officer. But moments later, someone chimed in, "he's putting her in handcuffs" — and the room erupts in disarray.

"I am not [resisting], you just pushed me to the floor!" Hargrave is heard screaming at the officer, as he forcibly removes her down the hallway and out the building in handcuffs. "Sir, hold on! I am way smaller than you!"

Teacher removed from Vermilion school board meeting in handcuffs

According to KATV News, Hargrave was booked in the city jail for resisting an officer — a fact that left many commenters online flabbergasted. School officials are reportedly not pressing charges. "Umm ... what charges could they possibly make?" one Redditor noted.

With help from the Reddit community, Rosa's video has gone viral, garnering more than 600,000 views in less than 24 hours. Clearly, Hargrave's earnest question about inequality in our education system — met with a grotesque abuse of power — has clearly touched a nerve with people across the country.

"I don't know how this teacher could have been more polite and patient in her earnest desire to find out why the superintendent deserves a raise while the teachers work harder with less," YouTube commenter Scott Wells chimed in. "She continued to press because they refused to come up with an answer. Seems like a good question to me."

We agree.


This article originally appeared six years ago.

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