Mom explains why 'emotional regulation' is the most exhausting part of being a parent
It's a problem a lot of parents face but few discuss.
Annalee Grace discusses the problems she faces with emotional regulation.
In a heartfelt TikTok post, an exasperated Annalee Grace admits that her expectations of motherhood haven’t matched the reality of having children. And the difference between how people talk about parenting and the troubles she’s recently faced has made her feel alone.
However, after posting her video, many commenters shared that they also struggle with one of the hardest but under-discussed parts of being a parent, regulating one’s emotions.
Grace is the parent of two young children and a popular TikTok creator with over 450,000 followers.
“[If you] had asked me to guess what the hardest part of having kids was before I actually had kids? I probably would have guessed, like, I don't know, lack of freedom or lack of sleep or something like that. Wrong," Grace said as she sat frustrated in her car.
“It is the pure exhaustion that comes from emotionally regulating 24/7. The patience and the strength that it takes to watch these humans combust in front of you and stay cool so that they can regulate and take in all of their emotions for them,” she continued.
Warning:Strong language.
@annaleegrace15 Being a mom is the most wonderful and humblimg thing ive ever done. Every day these little kids teach me something new about myself and im just so thankful for the opportunity ❤️😭 #momlife #momsoftiktok #babiesoftiktok #toddlersoftiktok #marriedlife #husbandwife
Grace posted the video after having an emotional outburst where she screamed at her two young children. “I just screamed at my kids, and I saw in their little eyes when all of a sudden it flicked. They were scared of me, and I sat them both down, and I apologized,” she said.
The underlying problem of her frustrations is that she doesn't see many examples of other parents having the same struggles because they happen behind closed doors and not on social media.
“I feel like I'm the only one who has mornings like this with my kid. Even though logically, I know that's not true. I can't see into other people's homes. Right? All I see are people out in public or cute little vlogs making pancakes in the morning,” Grace continued. “Like, and I feel like I'm this evil monster on a hill yelling at her tiny little kid. And I know I apologize, and that's what counts is to show them how you can make a mistake and apologize.”
Grace received an incredible amount of support in the comments to her video.
"Oh, mama. You’re not the only one. We didn’t get apologies. You’re already doing better than we had," Charity wrote.
"All of this! Apologize, ask for forgiveness, and let it go. Carrying it into tomorrow puts you in a deficit. You are not alone," Shannon added.
"Thank you for sharing this. This is the exact day we're having today & I feel TERRIBLE. She moves on & I'm melting in a puddle of guilt the rest of the day," Tor Christmas wrote.
Psychologist Lindsay Perlman has some easy-to-remember advice for parents struggling with regulating their emotions around their children. She has a simple acronym: STOP. Perlman believes that by practicing the STOP method, parents can increase their “self-awareness” and “control of strong emotions.”
S – STOP, step back
T – Tune into your thoughts, feelings, and body sensations
O – Observe and notice what is going on inside and outside of you
P – Proceed mindfully
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12 non-threatening leadership strategies for women
We mustn't hurt a man's feelings.
Men and the feels.
Note: This an excerpt is from Sarah Cooper's book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings.
In this fast-paced business world, female leaders need to make sure they're not perceived as pushy, aggressive, or competent.
One way to do that is to alter your leadership style to account for the fragile male ego.
Should men accept powerful women and not feel threatened by them? Yes. Is that asking too much?
IS IT?
Sorry, I didn't mean to get aggressive there. Anyhoo, here are twelve non-threatening leadership strategies for women.
Encourage.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When setting a deadline, ask your coworker what he thinks of doing something, instead of just asking him to get it done. This makes him feel less like you're telling him what to do and more like you care about his opinions.
Sharing ideas.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When sharing your ideas, overconfidence is a killer. You don't want your male coworkers to think you're getting all uppity. Instead, downplay your ideas as just "thinking out loud," "throwing something out there," or sharing something "dumb," "random," or "crazy."
Email requests.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pepper your emails with exclamation marks and emojis so you don't come across as too clear or direct. Your lack of efficient communication will make you seem more approachable.
Idea sharing.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
If a male coworker steals your idea in a meeting, thank him for it. Give him kudos for how he explained your idea so clearly. And let's face it, no one might've ever heard it if he hadn't repeated it.
Sexism.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you hear a sexist comment, the awkward laugh is key. Practice your awkward laugh at home, with your friends and family, and in the mirror. Make sure you sound truly delighted even as your soul is dying inside.
Mansplain.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Men love explaining things. But when he's explaining something and you already know that, it might be tempting to say, "I already know that." Instead, have him explain it to you over and over again. It will make him feel useful and will give you some time to think about how to avoid him in the future.
Mistakes.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pointing out a mistake is always risky so it's important to always apologize for noticing the mistake and then make sure that no one thinks you're too sure about it. People will appreciate your "hey what do I know?!" sensibilities.
Promotions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Asking your manager for a promotion could make you seem power- hungry, opportunistic, and transparent. Instead, ask a male coworker to vouch for you. Have your coworker tell your manager you'd be great for the role even though you don't really want it. This will make you more likely to actually get that promotion.
Rude.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Sometimes not everyone is properly introduced at the start of a meeting. Don't take it personally even if it happens to you all the time, and certainly don't stop the meeting from moving forward to introduce yourself. Sending a quick note afterward is the best way to introduce yourself without seeming too self-important.
Interruptions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you get interrupted, you might be tempted to just continue talking or even ask if you can finish what you were saying. This is treacherous territory. Instead, simply stop talking. The path of least resistance is silence.
Collaboration.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When collaborating with a man, type using only one finger. Skill and speed are very off-putting.
Disagreements.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When all else fails, wear a mustache so everyone sees you as more man-like. This will cancel out any need to change your leadership style. In fact, you may even get a quick promotion!
In conclusion...
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Many women have discovered the secret power of non-threatening leadership. We call it a "secret power" because no one else actually knows about it. We keep our power hidden within ourselves so that it doesn't frighten and intimidate others. That's what makes us the true unsung heroes of the corporate world.
About the Author: Sarah Cooper
Sarah Cooper is a writer, comedian, and author of 100 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings. Her new book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings, is out now.
The comedic book cover.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
A satirical take on what it's like to be a woman in the workplace, Cooper draws from her experience as a former executive in the world of tech (she's a former Googler and Yahooer). You can get the book here.
This article was originally published on March 25, 2019.