upworthy

teens

Coroner warns teens and parents about concerning trend

As a parent there is nothing quite as terrifying as not knowing where your child is. It doesn't matter if they're 30 or 3, if you don't know that they're safe your mind doesn't rest. Most parents experience this level of panic only briefly when a little one escapes eyesight in a public place but far too many parents know the prolonged feeling of not knowing the whereabouts of their child.

Richland County Coroner, Naida Rutherford is taking to social media to give teens and their parents a serious warning to keep them from ending up on her table. Her plea came shortly after finishing a press conference about the missing 13-year-old Ka'Niyah Baker who was recently found deceased. The teen left her home to meet up with two other teen girls and was never heard from again.

"You may be running away with somebody who has undiagnosed mental illness with violent homicidal tendencies. You don't know enough to know what the hell you don't know," Rutherford says passionately to her live stream audience.

boy wearing white shirt and black shorts carrying backpack standing on black concrete road between vehicles and trees during daytime Photo by Jesús Rodríguez on Unsplash

While Ka'Niyah was reported as a runaway, she's not alone. 93% of children reported missing are runaways, and in 2023 the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children reported that over 300 of the cases were children in child protective custody, like Ka'Niyah. Much of the time, teens have no idea what they're running towards and since their brains aren't fully developed, they impulsively leave.

This impulsivity can kick in for a number of reasons that cause teens to believe their life would be better elsewhere. According to National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, kids runaway due to bullying, family conflict, mental health issues, lack of acceptance at home, emotional, physical and sexual abuse. While kids in foster care may be running away to get back to their parents. But many children have no real concept of what can happen to them when they leave home, especially if they think they're leaving with other teens or internet friends they think they can trust.

man in black jacket and black backpack walking on train rail during daytime Photo by Oskar Smethurst on Unsplash

In Rutherford's plea, she addresses the increased risk of sex trafficking, informing teens that grown men should not be interested in children sexually. She explains that sex trafficking doesn't only happen in large cities as teens have been trafficked in her small town in South Carolina and often teens are too embarrassed to go home. But she has a message to parents on how to keep their children safe.

"Parents. I'm addressing you right here and right now. Come on in. Be nosey. Know who their friends are. Know who they're talking to. You pay the cell phone bill, snoop. I'm asking you to be so nosey that it is almost annoying and show them the story of Ka'Niyah Baker," the county coroner says.

Rutherford has been inundated with positive responses to her candid video which she tells News 19 WLTX, the comments have proven there's a community still out there wanting to keep children safe. She admits that it will take a village mindset to ensure the safety of children and she's not alone in her thinking.


Investigator J.P. Smith from the Richland County Sheriff’s Department (RCSD) Missing Persons Unit tells ABC 4 News that protecting children is not solely the parents' job as it requires community effort. He tells the news outlet, “when you see something, say something. You’re not bothering us—we want to know why that child is out at one in the morning. Don’t hesitate to call, the sooner the better.”

The heartbreaking story of Ka'Niyah won't make parents feel warm and fuzzy but the compassionate warnings from public officials provides much needed information to families. Continue to hold your children tightly, together, we can be the village for children in our communities.

Family

Forget "How's school going?" Try these questions instead to get shy teens talking.

If talking to your young relatives feels like pulling teeth, here are some questions that can help them open up.

Teens might seem uncomfortable at first, but you can help make them feel at ease.

Have you ever seen someone who seems to have a knack for talking with teens and wondered what their secret was? Sometimes it seems like getting young people to offer anything other than monosyllabic answers to questions is like pulling teeth. Maybe they're shy or self-conscious, or maybe the questions adults tend to ask aren't very effective at getting them to open up, but when you're gathering with family for the holidays and want to spend time getting to know your teenage relatives, it can be tough when the conversation feels awkward or forced.

Shyness is real and self-consciousness often comes with adolescence, so there's not a whole lot we can do about those things, but there are ways to engage young people that are more likely to result in a real conversation. When our "How's school going?" gets a "fine" or a "good," we know we need some better questions, but it's not always easy to think of those on the spot.

That's where some helpful guidance from Raising Teens Today comes in super handy.

woman talking with a teenMost teens actually like to talk if you ask the right questions.Photo credit: Canva

"Let me clue you in on a little secret... teenagers LOVE to talk," writes Nancy Reynolds, the mom behind the Raising Teens Today website. "Sounds crazy, right? I promise, you can get the quietest teen on the planet chatting simply by asking them questions that make them feel comfortable and want to share their world with you."

First, she offers some points to keep in mind as you chat with teens specifically:

- Steer clear of subjects that can put them on the defensive or make them feel awkward or inferior, including their grades, changing bodies, or whether they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, for instance.

- Keep it light. Don't get into heavy subjects. Teens have a lot on their shoulders already. Laugh a little. Have fun.

- Ask questions that will get them talking. Ask about their friends, things they love doing, books or sports or hobbies they love, their passions or dreams.

- Don't ask "loaded" questions such as, "You ARE going to college, right?'" Or, "Do you EVER look up from your phone?" Nothing will make a teenager clam up faster.

- Teenagers are young adults. Treat them as such. Show respect.

- Just be authentic. Teens can spot a fake from afar. If you're genuinely interested in their life and they sense you truly care, they'll open their heart... and when they do, it's such a gift.

The mom of three teens also gave some suggestions for what to ask in place of the standard questions we tend to use. An "ask this, not that" of talking to young people.

These questions go beyond the standard ones adults often ask or provide a twist on the classics that put young people at ease:

"What's the most interesting thing you've learned this year?"

"What do you enjoy doing with your friends?"

"It won't be long before you graduate. I'm so anxious to hear your plans!"

"I'd love to hear what you've been up to if you feel like chatting."

"What's your favorite thing to do when you're not in school?"

"What's the coolest thing you've seen online recently?"

"What's the one thing you're most looking forward to next year?"

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Don't bombard them—it's not an interrogation–but try out a couple and see how they go. It's important to note that some kids might be flummoxed by questions that require them to choose "the one" or "the most" or "favorite," so you can always alter those kinds of questions to be more open-ended, like this:

"What's something you like to do when you're not in school?"

"What classes are you finding interesting or challenging?"

"Have you read or seen anything you really enjoyed lately?"

"What are you looking forward to after the holidays?"

You can also think about meeting kids and teens where they are by being curious about the reality of their lives—but in a way that isn't overly intrusive or judgmental. For instance, instead of only asking what their favorite subject is in school, ask what their least favorite subject is as well. That will almost surely get them talking. Instead of scoffing about them being on their phones, ask them what social media sites they like the most and why they prefer them to others. You can also ask them their opinions about things like whether they prefer reading paper or digital books, whether they prefer lectures or small group discussions, whether they feel like they learn better from listening, watching or doing. Questions like these don't make them feel like they're being quizzed or tested, because there aren't any right or wrong or even preferable answers.

If you do ask about a "favorite," make it something that they can easily choose a favorite from and something that can lead to further conversation. For instance, "Do you have a favorite teacher?" followed up by "What do you like about them and their class?" That can lead to a nice back and forth about what makes a teacher effective, what makes a class interesting or boring, and what your own experiences with good or bad teachers has been.

Another way to engage teens at your family gatherings is to ask them to help with something in the kitchen. Giving them something helpful to do takes the social spotlight off of them and creates more opportunity for small connections, making more meaningful conversations feel like the natural next step.

teens helping bake in the kitchenGetting them in the kitchen can help with conversations.Photo credit: Canva

People are appreciating the tips offered, as connecting with young people can be a challenge for many adults.

"Where were these questions when I was younger?? How different would the conversation been?"

"🫶🏽 It’s all in the wording! Connections are so important."

"I love this!!! It can be a lot of work getting your teen to go to an adult gathering. It’s never helpful when they get there and end up feeling either judged or completely ignored. It only isolates them further when what they need more than anything is connection with adults."

"Thank you for this. My father will ask my 14 year old what she wants to do for college and I can see the anxiety build up in her. How about what do you like to do in your spare time? What are you proud of? What are you interested in?"

"I’m a grandparent and this is just what I was looking for to open a positive interaction during family events. Thanks again!! 🙌"

It's definitely worth trying some of these out over the holidays.

You can follow Raising Teens Today on Facebook, Instagram and raisingteenstoday.com.

Democracy

Teacher tries to simulate a dictatorship in her classroom, but the students crushed her

"I’ve done this experiment numerous times, and each year I have similar results. This year, however, was different."

Each year that I teach the book "1984" I turn my classroom into a totalitarian regime under the guise of the "common good."

I run a simulation in which I become a dictator. I tell my students that in order to battle "Senioritis," the teachers and admin have adapted an evidence-based strategy, a strategy that has "been implemented in many schools throughout the country and has had immense success." I hang posters with motivational quotes and falsified statistics, and provide a false narrative for the problem that is "Senioritis."


I tell the students that in order to help them succeed, I must implement strict classroom rules. They must raise their hand before doing anything at all, even when asking another student for a pencil. They lose points each time they don't behave as expected. They gain points by reporting other students. If someone breaks the rule and I don't see it, it's the responsibility of the other students to let me know. Those students earn bonus points. I tell students that in order for this plan to work they must "trust the process and not question their teachers." This becomes a school-wide effort. The other teachers and admin join in.

Photo by Diana Leygerman used with permission

I've done this experiment numerous times, and each year I have similar results. This year, however, was different.

This year, a handful of students did fall in line as always. The majority of students, however, rebelled.

By day two of the simulation, the students were contacting members of administration, writing letters, and creating protest posters. They were organizing against me and against the admin. They were stomping the hallways, refusing to do as they were told.

The president of the Student Government Association, whom I don't even teach, wrote an email demanding an end to this "program." He wrote that this program is "simply fascism at its worst. Statements such as these are the base of a dictatorship rule, this school, as well as this country cannot and will not fall prey to these totalitarian behaviors."

Photo by Diana Leygerman used with permission

I did everything in my power to fight their rebellion.

I "bribed" the president of the SGA. I "forced" him to publicly "resign." And, yet, the students did not back down. They fought even harder. They were more vigilant. They became more organized. They found a new leader. They were more than ready to fight. They knew they would win in numbers.

I ended the experiment two days earlier than I had planned because their rebellion was so strong and overwhelming. For the first time since I've done this experiment, the students "won."

What I learned is this: Teenagers will be the ones to save us.

Just like Emma Gonzalez, the teen activist from Marjory Stoneman Douglas, my students did not back down nor conform. They fought for their rights. They won.

Adults can learn a lot from the teens of this generations. Adults are complacent, jaded, and disparaged. Teenagers are ignited, spirited, and take no prisoners. Do not squander their fight. They really are our future. Do not call them entitled. That entitlement is their drive and their passion. Do not get in their way. They will crush you.

Foster their rebellion. They are our best allies.


This story originally appeared on Medium and is reprinted here with permission. It was originally published on 2.21.18.

Parenting

Study shows who's teaching girls about sex when school and parents won't

New research reveals an unintended side-effect of abstinence-only education.

Photo by Deon Black on Unsplash

For better or worse, pornography has never been easier to access. And with an increasing number of young people having their own phones and devices — which aren't always monitored — it makes sense that usage in that demographic would be on the rise.

Watching porn has typically been thought of as a boy thing. What's surprising is just how common it's becoming among girls.

A 2024 study showed that 60% of women ages 18-34 regularly watched porn, with a majority of those first starting when they were teenagers — or younger.


What's especially fascinating about the study is that it also examined relationships between porn use in women and the type of sex education those women received in school.

Young women who received abstinence-only education were actually more likely to watch porn.

a girl laying in bed with a cell phone Photo by Sixteen Miles Out on Unsplash

A large majority of the women surveyed who did use pornography cited it as a "source of sexuality learning, especially regarding sexual pleasure."

The study adds that the participants generally admitted porn wasn't the ideal place to learn, but sought it out anyway.

Whatever your attitude about porn, most people can probably agree — this development is not great!

Actress Jameela Jamil famously said, "Learning to have sex from porn is like learning how to drive from The Fast and Furious. A bloody horrendous idea."

But what other choice do young people have? Abstinence-only education gives very little, if any, information about the bare minimum of condoms, other contraception, and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). It preaches that abstaining from sex is the expected standard and the only solution to the risks inherent with sex.

It's easy to see why young people would be frustrated, and why they would go online looking for answers.

Sex education is still lacking at nearly every level. Including at home.

yellow banana fruit with condom on green textile Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash

We have known for years (and years and years and years) that abstinence-only education isn't effective. It's been shown again and again not to delay young people having intercourse — and it's not effective at reducing teen pregnancies or STD's.

Worse, it leaves kids not knowing nearly enough about contraception, consent, and safe sex when they do choose to become active.

It's a stubborn approach that won't seem to go away despite the mounting evidence against it. (Its popularity comes and goes depending on who's in political power at the time and is still quite common throughout the United States.)

Even in some slightly more comprehensive sex education programs, however, the focus is still on risk-reduction and contraception. That's a decent start — but leaves young people frustrated with all the missing information.

"The findings suggest the need for comprehensive sexuality education that addresses essential topics, such as sexual pleasure and sexual script development, to cater to women’s diverse learning needs," the study's authors write, "ideally taught by parents or primary caregivers, but may be necessary for public education in the absence of parental instruction."

The idea of schools teaching information about sexual pleasure feels... weird. But if parents can't or won't do it, someone has to. And it can't be worse than having kids trying to imitate what they see on PornHub.

Public health experts Leslie Kantor and Laura Lindberg write, "Focusing on [risk-reduction] topics and measures overlooks many key aspects of young people’s current and future sexual lives, including the ability to form and maintain healthy relationships; the right to decide whether, when, and with whom to engage in sexual behavior; and the fact that sex should be pleasurable, to name just a few."

It's a little hard to imagine a world where public schools are allowed to go deep on topics like pleasure, sexual identity and preference, consent, and more. (They can't even give out Tylenol without written permission!) So until that day comes, parents have got to pick up the slack at home.

I know, the thought makes many of us want to curl up and die. But the benefits of going deeper into these, admittedly uncomfortable, topics with our kids are vast, including:

  • Lower rates of homophobia and bullying
  • Decreases in partner and dating violence
  • Reduced number of sexual partners
  • Increased contraceptive use
  • Improved sexual communication skills
And, just maybe, with better education, fewer young people would turn to porn to teach them about sex and pleasure.