Dr. Gabor Maté explains his 'no two children have the same parents' philosophy
'No two kids are raised in the same family.'
Dr. Gabor Maté explains why siblings in the same family can turn out so differently.
The nature versus nurture question has intrigued humans for as long as we've been philosophizing about our existence. What makes us who we are? How much of our personality and tendencies are a product of our genetics and how much of it is due to our upbringing?
Anyone who has raised more than one child can attest to the fact that children are not simply blank slates—each has their own innate personality. And anyone who has seen siblings from the same parents and the same household knows that kids can come from the same environment and turn out totally differently.
Some may look at how differently siblings turn out and assume that those difference are all due to nature, but as child development expert Dr. Gabor Maté points out, it's not just personality that makes a difference.
"No two kids are raised in the same family," he told Dahlia Kurtz, host of the "Live and Help Live" podcast. "No two children have the same parents."
Maté asked Kurtz if she had siblings, and she told him she had younger and older siblings. "You weren't raised in the same family," he told her, pointing out that she'd never had the experience of being the oldest child. She was the middle child, which he said could be quite difficult as middle children don't have the respect and authority of an oldest child or the cuteness and lovability of the youngest.
"Not only that, but when your parents had you and when they had your younger siblings, perhaps, they might have been at a different stage in their own personal development, or in a different stage of their relationship, or a different economic position," he said.
"Even more importantly, temperamentally every child is different and that means they evoke a different part of the parent," he added. "So even if a parent loves their kids equally—which I'm not questioning—they will not respond to the child in the same way. The child will not evoke the same responses from the parent, one child or the other. So no children have the same two parents."
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@dahliakurtz How could your sibling be raised the same but turn out so differently? Maybe even a narcissist? Dr. Gabor Mate has the facsinating answer. You’ll never see yor sibling the same…For the full conversation, check out rhe link in bio. #mentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters #depressed #happy #gabormate #drgabormate #siblings #narcissism #parents #recoverty #trauma #help #healing #dahlia #bpd #anxiety #family #familygoals #siblingcheck #siblinggoals
He's right, of course. Not only are children unique, ever-changing individuals, but parents are too. The dynamics and circumstances of family life is always shifting, even in the most stable of families. One child might come along during a job layoff or a major, cross-country move. One child's formative years might hit just when their parents are hitting a rough patch in their marriage and another's might hit right when they're benefiting from counseling.
Speaking from experience, you couldn't parent each child exactly the same way even if you wanted to. First of all, different children respond differently to different things. One child might crumble under a stern look while another lets a parent's anger roll right off their back. One child might be a verbal processor who needs to talk through their feelings while another might need to express themselves physically or creatively in order to work out what's bothering them. Parenting children means parenting according to who each child is and what their unique needs and tendencies are. Trying to make it a uniform, perfectly "equal" endeavor is simply an exercise in frustration.
Maté is also right that different kids bring out different parts of us. Human relationships are complex, and trying to nail down parenting to one particular set of rules or one specific approach simply isn't realistic. You have to parent the child in front of you as whoever you are at the time, and both of those things is going to shift and change over time as you both learn and grow. It's what humans do.
And let's be real. Parenting can be exhausting, so those youngest kids really do get parents who are more relaxed and maybe a bit more lenient than the older ones, simply due to the amount of energy it takes to parent. We learn over the years what battles are worth fighting, what standards are worth upholding and which things can be tossed to the wayside without really doing any damage. Parenting is an ongoing learning process, so of course children who are years apart in age will have different parents in many ways, even if their parents are the same two people.
Dr. Maté just boils it down so beautifully and succinctly. "No two children are raised in the same family," and "No two children have the same parents." Wise words to take to heart whether you're a parent of more than one child or you have siblings yourself.
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12 non-threatening leadership strategies for women
We mustn't hurt a man's feelings.
Men and the feels.
Note: This an excerpt is from Sarah Cooper's book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings.
In this fast-paced business world, female leaders need to make sure they're not perceived as pushy, aggressive, or competent.
One way to do that is to alter your leadership style to account for the fragile male ego.
Should men accept powerful women and not feel threatened by them? Yes. Is that asking too much?
IS IT?
Sorry, I didn't mean to get aggressive there. Anyhoo, here are twelve non-threatening leadership strategies for women.
Encourage.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When setting a deadline, ask your coworker what he thinks of doing something, instead of just asking him to get it done. This makes him feel less like you're telling him what to do and more like you care about his opinions.
Sharing ideas.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When sharing your ideas, overconfidence is a killer. You don't want your male coworkers to think you're getting all uppity. Instead, downplay your ideas as just "thinking out loud," "throwing something out there," or sharing something "dumb," "random," or "crazy."
Email requests.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pepper your emails with exclamation marks and emojis so you don't come across as too clear or direct. Your lack of efficient communication will make you seem more approachable.
Idea sharing.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
If a male coworker steals your idea in a meeting, thank him for it. Give him kudos for how he explained your idea so clearly. And let's face it, no one might've ever heard it if he hadn't repeated it.
Sexism.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you hear a sexist comment, the awkward laugh is key. Practice your awkward laugh at home, with your friends and family, and in the mirror. Make sure you sound truly delighted even as your soul is dying inside.
Mansplain.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Men love explaining things. But when he's explaining something and you already know that, it might be tempting to say, "I already know that." Instead, have him explain it to you over and over again. It will make him feel useful and will give you some time to think about how to avoid him in the future.
Mistakes.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pointing out a mistake is always risky so it's important to always apologize for noticing the mistake and then make sure that no one thinks you're too sure about it. People will appreciate your "hey what do I know?!" sensibilities.
Promotions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Asking your manager for a promotion could make you seem power- hungry, opportunistic, and transparent. Instead, ask a male coworker to vouch for you. Have your coworker tell your manager you'd be great for the role even though you don't really want it. This will make you more likely to actually get that promotion.
Rude.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Sometimes not everyone is properly introduced at the start of a meeting. Don't take it personally even if it happens to you all the time, and certainly don't stop the meeting from moving forward to introduce yourself. Sending a quick note afterward is the best way to introduce yourself without seeming too self-important.
Interruptions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you get interrupted, you might be tempted to just continue talking or even ask if you can finish what you were saying. This is treacherous territory. Instead, simply stop talking. The path of least resistance is silence.
Collaboration.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When collaborating with a man, type using only one finger. Skill and speed are very off-putting.
Disagreements.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When all else fails, wear a mustache so everyone sees you as more man-like. This will cancel out any need to change your leadership style. In fact, you may even get a quick promotion!
In conclusion...
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Many women have discovered the secret power of non-threatening leadership. We call it a "secret power" because no one else actually knows about it. We keep our power hidden within ourselves so that it doesn't frighten and intimidate others. That's what makes us the true unsung heroes of the corporate world.
About the Author: Sarah Cooper
Sarah Cooper is a writer, comedian, and author of 100 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings. Her new book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings, is out now.
The comedic book cover.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
A satirical take on what it's like to be a woman in the workplace, Cooper draws from her experience as a former executive in the world of tech (she's a former Googler and Yahooer). You can get the book here.
This article was originally published on March 25, 2019.