A mom went viral for explaining why she won't bring snacks and water on short outings with her 3-year-old
It's a struggle all parents run into eventually. It becomes too much, and far too annoying, to be responsible for every aspect of your children's lives and well-being. At some point, they need to start taking ownership over the things that are important to them. When they hit the age where they begin to really care about what they wear? They better be involved in doing their own laundry! Got soccer practice? Better remember to get dressed and pack your bag before it's time to go.
Mom and dad can't be the only ones keeping everyone on track 24/7. But, of course, this is a battle that's fought both in our homes and in American culture at large. Kids are less independent now than the were in previous generations. Fewer kids walk to school or play outside unsupervised. And some say that it shows.
One mom is using a "harsh" parenting technique to instill this kind of independence in her kids from an early age.
Some argue that kids need tough love from an early age to learn independence and responsibility.
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Chelsea, a professor and homesteader, recently took to TikTok to share some words of wisdom that have helped her in raising her 1- and 3-year-olds without collapsing from constant overwhelm.
"I don't know who needs to hear this but if you have little kids, you have to try one of my favorite recent parenting techniques," she says in the selfie-style video. "This might sound a little crazy or a little crude, but i promise if you listen, I will explain how this has added so much value."
She begins by offering an example of a scenario most parents can relate to.
"The other day we were driving in the car and from the backseat [my 3-year-old] calls 'Mom, I'm hungry!' My response to her when she said she was hungry was 'Oh, did you bring a snack?'"
The essence of Chelsea's independence technique is that she no longer brings snacks, water, or entertainment like books and games on short trips out with her kids. Instead, she pushes them to remember to bring what they need.
"I know, this sounds a little harsh. I promise, I'm not letting them go hungry, I'm not letting them go thirsty," Chelsea says. "They are very hydrated, well fed kids. This is used in very specific scenarios. But what this does is it puts a little bit of the responsibility and the ownership on them."
"Number one, it helps her understand that she has to take some responsibility in bringing something [she needs.]" Though, the mom of two adds that she helps remind her daughter before they leave the house to make sure she has everything she needs.
"I'm helping her prepare, but i'm also teaching her a little bit of a natural consequence. Because if she doesn't bring her water or her snack, then her natural consequence is she doesn't get snack."
After using this technique for a while, Chelsea notices that her daughter will remember on her own far more often. And if she does forget, mom's often got her back. Chelsea states that if her daughter forgets her water and mom just so happens to have one for her, her daughter is incredibly grateful and appreciative. I think all parents would like more of that sentiment from their kids!
Watch the whole clip here:
@sunny_acres_regen_farm My small contribution to making the next generation less entitled #mom #toddlermom #toddlers #parenting #homestead
The video racked up over 400,000 views and left parents, teachers, and other commenters extremely divided.
Some loved the idea. Teachers, especially, were keen on the idea of kids coming into their classrooms having learned more responsibility and independence at home from a young age:
"I’m a teacher and this will help your children so much. A lot of kids don’t know how to solve problems or take responsibility"
"I’m a kindergarten teacher and I approve this message"
"As a teacher, thank you. I can tell asap when a child had never been responsible for a single thing in their life. Then they get to kinder and are lost bc someone has always done everything for them"
Teachers have a great perspective because they see and work closely with so many kids. They're really plugged in to bigger trends and concerns that affect the entire age group and not just one single kid or family. So when they say kids need to learn more independence early, it's usually a good idea to listen.
Some commenters chimed in that they, themselves, were raised this way, or had used similar approaches successfully with their own kids:
"Seriously, I don’t remember being offered snacks and drinks constantly or having them always around anywhere all the time. If we were out and about a lot of times I had to wait (within reason)"
"I did this with my now adult children. My youngest (18) is constantly shocked by his friends who aren’t like him and his siblings."
Some people, however, had concerns with whether this technique was age-appropriate for a toddler:
It can be tough for toddlers to think ahead about the future consequences of their behavior.Giphy
"my boomer mom said things like this and it created a lot of anxiety that I had to remember to take care of myself and I felt abandoned"
"I dont like this at all! Why should a THREE year old need to be concerned with bringing her own water?"
"a good technique for older kids but i think your kids are too young so it's not a developmentally appropriate expectation"
"A more age appropriate way would be have her help you pack her bag."
These commenters are right in that natural consequences is a very effective parenting technique, but it can also be fraught. There's a fine line between teaching kids responsibility and making them feel like no one is looking out for them. 3-years-old is a really tricky age for this kind of parenting. Toddlers can understand immediate cause-and-effect relationships, but have trouble linking their actions with future consequences. So while there's nothing wrong with introducing concepts of consequences, independence, and responsibility to kids 3 and under, it's important to keep expectations in line with what's age-appropriate.
It sounds like Chelsea's got a good handle on the right balance, but in less-careful hands this kind of approach could be a disaster.
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There's a reason why some people can perfectly copy accents, and others can't
Turns out, there's a neurodivergent link.
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Have you ever had that friend who goes on vacation for four days to London and comes back with a full-on Queen's English posh accent? "Oooh I left my brolly in the loo," they say, and you respond, "But you're from Colorado!" Well, there are reasons they (and many of us) do that, and usually it's on a pretty subconscious level.
It's called "accent mirroring," and it's actually quite common with people who are neurodivergent, particularly those with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). According Neurolaunch, the self-described "Free Mental Health Library," "Accent mirroring, also known as accent adaptation or phonetic convergence, is the tendency to unconsciously adopt the accent or speech patterns of those around us. This linguistic chameleon effect is not unique to individuals with ADHD, but it appears to be more pronounced and frequent in this population."
Essentially, when people have conversations, we're constantly "scanning" for information—not just the words we're absorbing, but the inflection and tone. "When we hear an accent, our brains automatically analyze and categorize the phonetic features, prosody, and intonation patterns," writes Neurolaunch. For most, this does result in copying the accent of the person with whom we're speaking. But those with ADHD might be more sensitive to auditory cues. This, "coupled with a reduced ability to filter out or inhibit the impulse to mimic…could potentially explain the increased tendency for accent mirroring."
While the article explains further research is needed, they distinctly state that, "Accent mirroring in individuals with ADHD often manifests as an unconscious mimicry of accents in social situations. This can range from subtle shifts in pronunciation to more noticeable changes in intonation and speech rhythm. For example, a person with ADHD might find themselves unconsciously adopting a Southern drawl when conversing with someone from Texas, even if they’ve never lived in the South themselves."
People are having their say online. On the subreddit r/ADHDWomen, a thread began: "Taking on accents is an ADHD thing?" The OP shares, "My whole life, I've picked up accents. I, myself, never noticed, but everyone around me would be like, 'Why are you talking like that??' It could be after I watched a show or movie with an accent or after I've traveled somewhere with a different accent than my 'normal.'
They continue, "Apparently, I pick it up fast, but it fades out slowly. Today... I'm scrolling Instagram, I watch a reel from a comedian couple (Darcy and Jeremy. IYKYK) about how Darcy (ADHD) picks up accents everywhere they go. It's called ADHD Mirroring??? And it's another way of masking."
(The OP is referring to Darcy Michaels and his husband Jeremy Baer, who are both touring comedians based in Canada.)
Hundreds of people on the Reddit thread alone seem to relate. One comments, "Omfg I've done this my whole life; I'll even pick up on the pauses/spaces when I'm talking to someone who is ESL—but English is my first language lol."
Sometimes, it can be a real issue for those around the chameleon. "I accidentally mimicked a waitress's weird laugh one time. As soon as she was out of earshot, my family started to reprimand me, but I was already like 'oh my god I don’t know why I did that, I feel so bad.'"
Many commenters on TikTok were shocked to find out this can be a sign of ADHD. One jokes, "Omg, yes, at a store the cashier was talking to me and she was French. She's like 'Oh are you French too? No, I'm not lol. I'm very east coast Canada."
And some people just embrace it and make it work for them. "I mirror their words or phrase! I’m 30. I realized I start calling everyone sweetie cause my manager does & I work at coffee shop."