Going out for dinner, drinks, and dessert might make you feel sleepy; not sexy.
Physical intimacy is important in long term relationships. Somewhere between 15-40 percent of married couples are in what's defined as a "sexless" relationship, meaning it's normal for you to go a month or more without doing the deed. That doesn't mean all those people are unhappy, of course. When couples are on the same page about their frequency, even if it's low, everything can be hunky dory! But it's also often the case that one or more partners want more, and are frustrated. That's not a recipe for a happy relationship, not because the physical act itself is vital, but because a lack of sex usually has root causes like poor communication, less intimacy, or a lack of quality time together. When issues like this pile up and go unaddressed, divorce is a common endpoint.
But almost everyone has experienced those days or evenings where you have the best of intentions, you really do. You've secured a babysitter, carved out time for each other, and put all your ducks in a row for a romantic evening. But after a night out, you're just utterly exhausted! Does that mean you aren't attracted to each other anymore, that you don't love anymore, or that you're on a runaway train to Splitsville?
A sex therapist has one surprising solution for couples to try: Reverse the order of operations.
In other (slightly crass) words, "F*ck first."
Is doing "it" before going out a marriage-saving life hack? Photo by Womanizer Toys on Unsplash
Vanessa Marin is a licensed psychotherapist with 20 years of experience as a sex therapist. She's made it her mission, along with her husband Xander, to help married couples keep their spark alive with really down-to-earth, practical tips shared on social media (and some funny skits, too).
In one recent video, the Marin's challenge everything we thought we knew about date night:
"You're on the way out the door for a sexy date night," the couple narrates. "But stop, you're already doing it wrong."
In the skit, Xander then turns to his wife and cheekily says: "Oh my god, babe. We forgot to f*ck first."
"The whole idea is you have sex before you go out on date night or out to a big party," she says, "because, let's be honest, once you start eating, drinking, staying up late, it's really hard to get excited about having sex after a big night."
She then urges her viewers to try out the little tweak to the usual routine and let her know how it goes.
Warning: This video contains strong language.
@vanessaandxander Watch this before your next big night out! We’re in the holiday party season—which means eating, drinking, staying up late, and falling asleep before intimacy can happen. 🥺 Use the "F*ck First" rule to increase the likelihood of intimacy. Instead of waiting until the end of the night, prioritize intimacy *before* you go out. 🍷🍽 Think about it—by the time the date's over, most of us feel full, bloated, tipsy, or just plain tired. And honestly, all you probably want to do is crash into bed, right? 😴 By putting intimacy first, you’ll avoid the post-date slump and create a stronger connection for the rest of the evening. 💫 And share this with your partner so they know what you’ll be up to before your next date night! 😏 #relationshiptips #forcouples #marriedlife #datenight #ignitethespark #spicytime
Marin explains in the video that the "f*ck first" rule was initially developed by love and sex columnist Dan Savage.
In an interview with GQ, the famous author of the column Savage Love explained that the concept actually came to him around Valentine's Day, when disappointed couples would email him the day after to ask if their relationship was doomed because they hadn't "consummated" their big evening out with their partner.
Warning: This quote contains even more strong language.
"They got flowers, they got chocolate, they got taken out to dinner, but they didn't [have sex]. And I would look at that trajectory: flowers (who gives a shit), chocolate (I love chocolate), a big heavy romantic meal with wine and crème brulée and everything else... and who wants to f*ck after that? So, if you want to make sure you get f*cked on Valentine's Day, f*ck first, then go out to dinner. ... Then when you go home you won't be going home to performance anxiety or disappointment if nothing happens."
He doesn't mince words, but you can't argue with his logic.
@vanessaandxander Waiting for secs to “just happen”? 😬 That’s a fast track to frustration and missed connection. Initiating isn’t just about getting things started—it’s about owning your desire, showing your partner you want them, and keeping that spark alive 🔥 When you’re proactive, you’re creating a shared experience—not leaving it up to chance or falling into a one-sided rut. Take the lead. Take up space. Be an equal player in your pleasure. ✨
The video racked up nearly two million views and tons of opinions from people in relationships.
Many agreed with the approach and admitted to practicing it themselves to great results.
"it also builds a great connection for the rest of the night"
"This has worked great for us! Plus if we’re still up for it later… that’s just an added bonus."
"tried it, we just stayed in bed and watched Netflix. 10/10 would recommend."
"My hubby and I have done this for years lol. It’s a great tip!"
"me and my bf call this 'quickie before the function'"
But others felt the "rule" offered up some logistical challenges, especially for parents.
"Explain this to the babysitter for me"
"Nothing like our kids screaming outside our door to really set the mood"
A few commenters had concerns they'd never make it out to dinner if they did this, while others saw it as a perk.
"I can’t go out with my hair and make up ruined," said one.
Of course, falling asleep is always a major concern. Sex is tiring yet relaxing, and releases a combination of neurochemicals that's proven to make us sleepy. So, if you choose to practice this technique, you may wind up missing out on socialization time and the fun bonding you'd planned with your partner.
So, it seems there are no silver bullets for busy couples looking to make more time for intimacy. There will almost always be something getting in the way or fighting for your attention (like kids... always the kids). But if you've got your communication and affection down, and you just need a little extra time and energy, Marin's suggestion might just work wonders for your relationship.
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