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Body language expert reveals 6 keys to exuding confidence even if you're not feeling it

"Confidence can be very quiet."

Photo credit: Canva

Confidence can be a powerful tool if you know how to show it.

If there's one "trick" to achieving success regardless of skill, ability, or talent, it's confidence. And the good news is it doesn't necessarily have to be actual confidence—merely the appearance of confidence is often enough to influence people and change outcomes.

Confidence is how con men are able to rope people in, but confidence can also be used for good. If you learn how to exude confidence, it can be one of the most powerful tools for creating the life you want and effecting positive change in the world.

So what does that look like, especially when you're not really feeling it? We all wish we could walk boldly through the world without any worry or self-doubt, but most of us don't feel 100% confident 100% of the time. That doesn't mean we can't appear confident, though. Former FBI agent and body language expert Joe Navarro shares six elements we need to understand in order to project confidence with WIRED.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

1. Understanding Confident Traits

There are certain traits confident people have that help them appear comfortable when they walk into a room and command whatever space they are in.

"When we talk about confidence, it's so many things," says Navarro. "It has to do with our posture, the way we present, how we look. Where's our chin? Where are the eyes looking and gazing? Our gestures are loose, but they're smoother. As we walk about, we walk as though we are on a mission."

Even how we move our eyeballs makes a difference. "The less confident we are, the less eye contact we make," Navarro says. "The less confident we are, the more reluctant we are to look about."

eye contact, confidence, looking around with confidence, body language, eyesPeople who are confident make more eye contact and look around more.Photo credit: Canva

Confident people don't show their confidence in the way many people assume. "I think sometimes people mistake machismo or theatrical displays of power as confidence," Navarro adds. "Confidence can be very quiet."

Jane Goodall, for example, is not a loud-speaking person bursting with bravado. She's rather meek and mild, and yet she commands every room. "One of the things you notice is they sort of have this command of themselves, and in doing so, that command transmits outward," Navarro explains.

You can also use time to convey confidence. Don't rush, go at your own pace. "If you're in charge, you're in charge of time," says Navarro. "I'm gonna take my time to walk out. I'm gonna take my time to answer your question. I will answer it in the pace, manner, and tone that I choose. And in doing that, we are demonstrating that we are confident and in control."

2. Modeling Confidence

One of the most effective ways of exuding confidence is to choose someone who is confident in a way that you admire and model yourself after them. What traits do they have that you could emulate? How do they move? How do they speak?

confident behavior, exuding confidence, how to seem more confident, body language, relating to othersHow do people who are confident behave?Photo credit: Canva

This doesn't mean changing who you are on a fundamental level, but rather observing the people who have an ability you're struggling with and behaving your way toward gaining that ability.

"You know, we're not born this way," says Navarro. "These are things that we have to develop, and say, 'How do I want to be perceived? And what can I do to achieve that?'"

3. Little Behaviors

Navarro shares that little things can make a difference. For instance, indicating a direction by pointing with your finger is an undesirable behavior almost universally, but pointing with an open hand is not.

He gave an example of something he had to learn when he first joined the police force and had to make an arrest. The first time he had to say, "Stop, you're under arrest!" he said it in a high-pitched voice and said it sounded terrible.

"You have to work at having that command presence, where you say [in a deeper voice], 'Stop right there, don't move.' That's almost theatrical, but it's what is needed."

confidence, under arrest, body language, voice, toneUnder Arrest GIF by ABC NetworkGiphy

He gave another example of saying "No, stop," with confidence, using a lower voice and an outstretched hand. The more confident you are in saying it, the more your fingers will spread apart. Those little behaviors convey confidence more than people realize.

4. Intonation

We all have certain vocal habits that include how we use tone in our speaking. Navarro describes a phenomenon known as "uptalk," which is when you raise your intonation at the end of phrases or sentences, almost as if you're asking a question even when you're not.

He shared that speaking with confidence involves bringing your voice down in a more declarative way when you speak rather than sounding as if you're questioning.

confidence when public speaking, the power of pauses, speaking slowly and confidently, uptalk, declarationSlowing down and using powerful pauses can make you appear confident.Photo credit: Canva

5. Cadence

Many of us, especially when we're not feeling comfortable or confident, talk too fast. But when you talk too fast, people stop listening. Pacing your speech and using the power of pauses can be a powerful way to convey confidence.

"If you want people to listen to you, use cadence to get their attention, hold their attention, but then look forward to what that next set of words will be," says Navarro. "It lets them know, at a subconscious level, this is the person in charge. And we know that they're in charge because they have temporal control over this. They're not in a hurry."

6. Non-verbals

People often think that confidence looks like holding your shoulders back, puffing up your chest, and keeping your chin up. It can look like that, says Navarro, but it doesn't have to.

A confident woman in a suit, smiling with a fist pump, exuding confidence, confidence, body language, queuesConfidence can be conveyed in lots of non-verbal ways.Photo credit: Canva

"You know, a lot of times confidence is just sitting comfortably in a chair. And that may have more to do with how much space you control. It may have to do with the gestures that you use."

When people look confident, their gestures are smooth. There's no hesitation, quick movements, or jitteriness. They appear calm and in charge. When people are less confident, they feel like they have to hurry and answer right away.

"Let's face it: people are not born confident," says Navarro. "They're just not. We can become confident with the assistance of our parents who encourage us. We can become confident through our own achievements. We can become confident by going beyond our boundaries. But confidence is something that we can grow, we can nurture."

Of course, we all want to feel truly confident and not just act like we are, but sometimes the behavior helps to create the feeling.

"If you want to be confident, know your material, know the information, hone that skill, work at it, have that mastery of things, and of self," says Navarro. "And that's how you will come across as confident, no matter what your station in life is."

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Want to up your storytelling game? Put these 5 elements into every tale you tell.

Storytelling educator Philipp Humm says these five things make every story more interesting.

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Being an engaging storyteller might be simpler than you think.

If there's one thing nearly every human on Earth appreciates, it's a well-told story. Our ancient love of stories is what leads us to read books and watch movies and spin tales around a campfire. A masterfully spun story can capture the attention of every ear in a room, and professional speakers know that one of the best ways to make a powerful impact on others is through storytelling.

Unfortunately, not all of us are skilled in the art of storytelling. Some people seem to have an intuitive sense of what to include and what to exclude to make a story shine, but others do not. A meandering, confusing way of telling a story can ruin a perfectly good tale, while excellent storytelling skills can make even seemingly mundane events engaging.

stories, storytelling, elements of a good story, how to tell better stories, engaging storiesStorytelling is an art that we can all get better at.Photo credit: Canva

So how do master storytellers do it? What are the elements of a good story? Bestselling author, speaker, and coach Philipp Humm teaches people the art of storytelling and he shares five key things that make every story better.

First, Humm explains that the goal of a good story is to "zoom" the listener into the moment of the story and put them directly into the action. Then he shares the five elements that help you do that without getting bogged down in unnecessary details.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

1. Location (Where are you?)

"Two weeks ago, I'm sitting on my couch in my living room taking a deep breath…"

"September 2019, I'm standing in front of the conference room ready to walk inside…"

As Humm shares, the moment you say "living room" or "conference room," your audience starts to visualize it. Importantly, you don't have to describe these locations. Let people create their own version of the place. Details that don't matter to the story itself don't need to be shared.

where are you, location, setting, storytelling, storiesWhere Are You Cordell Walker GIF by Sony Pictures TelevisionGiphy

2. Actions (What are you doing?)

Leave out the extraneous context or details and simply state what you are doing in that moment. Walking? Biking? Shouting? Waiting? "Whatever it is, just state the actions," Humm says. "State the verbs."

Example: "I'm in my office, I open my laptop and start reading a message by my manager…"

Stating the actions brings in forward momentum, Humm says, bringing the listener right into the moment. "When you do that, your audience will immediately know you won't waste their time. You're straightaway taking them into the most important part of the story.

what are you doing, setting, action, storytelling, expositionSchitts Creek Wtf GIF by CBCGiphy

3. Thoughts (What are you thinking?)

Sharing the specific thoughts you were having at the crucial moment in the story can help bring a listener into your inner world, adding another layer of interest to the story. Instead of "I was excited to see my crush," try sharing the actual thoughts you were having—"I thought, 'Ah, this will be so cool to see her after all this time.'"

"It's a tiny tweak, but it makes any story more interesting," Humm says. However, he says, make sure the thoughts you share are worded the way you really would think them. The goal is to personalize the experience for people, not to sound professional or intellectual. "Give us the raw, unfiltered thoughts" he says. They will make your story more relatable.

what are you thinking, what, thoughts, storytelling, storiesJaz Sinclair Gen V GIF by Amazon Prime VideoGiphy

4. Emotions (What are you feeling?)

"The best stories? They're emotional," says Humm. "They take the listeners on this emotional journey." You can simply state the feeling—I was excited. I was disappointed. I was angry. But if we want to paint a picture for our audience, we need to show the emotions. For instance, instead of "I was relieved," you can describe how relief felt in your body. "I leaned back on the sofa and let out a huge sigh." Instead of "I was super excited," you might say, "My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest." Showing emotion this way makes the story much more visual.

how do you feel, feelings, emotions, storytelling, thoughts, storiesWhat Do You Think Schitts Creek GIF by CBCGiphy

5. Dialogue (What are you hearing?)

Many stories have more than one character. What did they say at the crucial moment of the story? You can show emotion with body language, and you can also show it with dialogue. Of course, you want the dialogue to actually be catchy and concise, not boring, so don't include dialogue just to include it. Share the things that made the moment what it was.

"Dialogue is such a simple tool to make any story much more interesting," Humm says. "It is actually the tool that I use the most."

what did you hear, hearing, thoughts, conversation, dialogueSeason 3 Episode 6 GIF by Parks and RecreationGiphy

People who struggle to tell stories well are sharing their appreciation for Humm's mini-lesson:

"I thought this was just a clickbait title, but bro over-delivered 1001% value. Absolutely brilliant, actionable insights!"

"Thank you! Thank you so much! I've been saying it. Big creators will tell you to use storytelling and confuse you on what storytelling is. This video is literally the easiest video any beginner will understand, without pressure too! Thank you once again."

"This is so freaking good! I’m sharing this with some of my coworkers who coach TED speakers so they can share how to better tell their stories. We’re often saying these things, but it’s so well said here!!!"

"This is one of the best breakdowns of storytelling I've seen! The five techniques—location, actions, thoughts, emotions, and dialogue—are so simple yet powerful. I especially loved the point about 'zooming into the moment' instead of just summarizing events. Definitely going to use these tips in my own storytelling!"

stories, storytelling, elements of a good story, how to tell better stories, engagement Storytelling skills can come in handy both professionally and personally.Photo credit: Canva

And some even made their praise into…you guessed it…a Humm-inspired story:

"Abe sat in the cafe, sitting hunched back in his chair as he listened to the intro of this video. In that moment he thought to himself, 'THIS is why my youtube videos are flopping... How the heck did I not know this stuff?! WTF?! This is GREAT!'... He quickly changed his posture, moving to the edge of his chair, and sitting upright. He scrambled to close his YouTube Analytics and quickly opened google docs to take notes. He sat there, staring intensely at his computer screen, all he could think was, 'I'm so lucky to find this video.'"

"I was lying on my bed, feeling sleepy but not quite ready to sleep, so I started browsing YouTube. Suddenly, a video caught my eye. I thought to myself, 'Great, another boring video to help me fall asleep.' I clicked on it, expecting to drift off. But as I watched, I found myself becoming less sleepy and sitting up in my bed. It was like discovering a whole new world. I never imagined I'd have such an Aha moment tonight."

"As I sat on my couch and scrolled on my YouTube home feed, I saw the title of this video. I thought 'great, another promise on getting better at storytelling that will likely simply focus on why storytelling is important.' After all, every single book I’ve read on the matter so far has disappointed me in this way. Imagine my surprise when as I kept watching, I felt the eyes in my mind clearing up, catching more light, the light of insight. This video over delivered, and for that, I am grateful."

You can follow Philipp Humm on YouTube for more storytelling tips.

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Pets

Dogs are listening in on your conversations more than you might think, according to research

Did someone say pizza?

en.m.wikipedia.org

A dog listens to a phonograph.

We know that, adorably, dogs actually love baby talk. And now, a new study suggests that they might be able to pick out words, even when we're not talking directly to them in a sing-songy way.

So let's say you're speaking to your roommate: "Hey, make sure to pick up a pizza on the way home. I'd do it, but I have to walk Fido before we go to the vet." Chances are, even though Fido isn't being directly engaged, he recognizes keywords. Home. Fido. Walk. Vet. Maybe if Fido is sophisticated, he knows the word pizza. (And if Fido is super sophisticated, he knows the words Meat Lovers with extra cheese.)

dog, pizza, understanding our speechA dog spots a slice of pizza.commons.wikimedia.org

The research, published in the journal Animal Cognition, found that dogs indeed can sometimes translate our language. To test this out, "Dogs were played recordings of their owners reading a meaningless text which included a short meaningful or meaningless phrase, either read with unchanged reading prosody or with an exaggerated DDS prosody." In layman's terms, different levels of enthusiasm and intonations were used by owners when reading to their dogs.

Many have joked for ages that dogs only hear word salads when humans are talking. But this just isn't true.

- YouTube, @FrenchieFlixwww.youtube.com

In Joshua Askew's piece "Dogs 'eavesdrop' on humans" for BBC News, he writes, "Dogs have the neurological capacity to pick out information relevant to them when hearing humans talking." He cites the study, which was led by David Reby, professor at the University of Sussex, who wrote, "Our research shows that dogs are able to pick out and recognize words relevant to them in a monotonous stream of otherwise irrelevant speech, even in the absence of the intonation cues we usually use to engage them."

Askew also references another researcher who worked on the study—Dr. Holly Root-Gutteridge, a postdoctoral research fellow at the University of Lincoln. She makes the distinction that they specifically address the difference between dogs hearing a happy, high-pitched voice, as is common in baby talk, from regular speech. Dogs do perk up when they hear "good dog," but that's usually because it's in an exaggerated tone.

She concluded, "The results show just how good dogs are at listening to us and how much they understand of what we say."

Just over 50 big and small breeds, "from Dachshunds to St. Bernards," were part of this research, with more hopefully on the way. One focus will be whether or not wolves and other non-domesticated animals have this capability, as well. Furthermore, Askew notes, "Researchers say they plan to test the age that puppies become responsive to human speech."

Confused Wolf GIFGiphy

X user @MarioNawfal posted the study and garnered a few adorable reactions. One asks, "What if—all dogs are actually spies and are reporting info to their government, so they can plan to take over the world?"

Others seem annoyed that extensive research is being done to reach such an obvious conclusion. Says another, "Dog owners everywhere already know this. That is why we spell or use code words or avoid certain words unless said with the intent to communicate with the dogs."

dog puppy GIF by TraceLoopsGiphy

This commenter gives an example: "My old roommate, to me: '[So&so] is coming over!' —We would immediately hear a jingle of the dog's collar, we look over, and the dog's ears are now perked up."

And this is just truth: "Well duh. Mine is always listening. He could hear his name whispered from a different floor."

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Joy

Single guy asks married men their biggest marriage regrets and they delivered

"We tend to take our spouse for granted once we get married. Continue to invest your time in her."

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Man asks married men their biggest marriage regret, they deliver.

Marriage is a big step in a relationship. It's something that people think about from the time they can grasp the concept of relationships. When you factor that in with the high divorce rate, it makes sense that people want to ensure they're getting it right before taking the leap.

Typically, people ask their close inner circle for relationship advice. Leaning on people like their parents, siblings or friends who have been married to fill in the gaps of knowledge. However, with the world becoming smaller than ever due to social media, it takes little effort to gather collective knowledge from thousands of people within your target audience.

Surprisingly, people are pretty forthcoming to strangers on the internet looking for support and help. One man who goes by the name King Boiza decided to ask his internet advisors, "Married men, what is your greatest regret about marriage? Advise the single boys. It could be about anything." The married men didn't hesitate to answer the call in the most genuinely wholesome way.

divorce, marriage, biggest marriage regret, reasons for divorce, married couple, married man, marriageA happily married couple.via Canva/Photos

Gleaning collective wisdom from those more experienced than you is a common practice, but being able to do it in such a significant way is relatively new. Different life experiences lead to different perspectives that can be invaluable to someone still learning.

The advice provided ranged from warnings to what could be seen as universal truths about marriage.

"Your wife becomes the words you speak upon her, I regret not speaking life and good upon her," one man shares.

"In times of trouble, remember...It's not you against her but the both of you, against the problem...," someone writes.

"Listen when she speaks from the heart, once she feels unheard, she will be closed off for a long time if not forever," another advises.

"Not all women age gracefully with all their good looks and physique. Marry her for more reasons beyond her body and beauty. Seek a FOREVER," one commenter says.

"The grass is NEVER greener on the other side. NEVER," a man wrote.

"Don’t let the family you come from destroy the family you create," a commenter added.

"Be the partner you're looking for!" a man wrote.

"The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together," a married man wrote.

"Remember that you are not married to your idea of your wife but to who your wife is. Love her for who is she is not who you want her to be," one man commented.

"No regrets, just advice I’ve adhered to for 15+years of marriage. Lead by example. Create the emotional space for her that you want mirrored. Set boundaries and always keep your word above all else!" a commenter wrote.

"Sometimes all you have to do is listen to her," a man wrote.

divorce, marriage, biggest marriage regret, reasons for divorce, wedding, pastor, reverend, marriage vowsA couple getting married.via Canva/Photos

Forbes reports that 43% of first marriages end in divorce with the number significantly increasing with each subsequent marriage. Finding out the regrets, struggles and triumphs of other marriages may help others feel more prepared to commit to marriage with a bit of a roadmap laid in front of them.

It's clear from the comments under the post that marriage takes work and while some of the men admittedly misstepped, they seem eager to share with others so they avoid the same mistakes.

"My biggest regret in marriage was to cheat, and I'm telling you...my wife was never the same...so my advice is never cheat, never ever," one guy confesses.


divorce, marriage, biggest marriage regret, reasons for divorce, marriage advice, single men, marriage questionsKingboiza asks men about marriage.www.tiktok.com


"We tend to take our spouse for granted once we get married. Continue to invest your time in her. You won't regret it and she'll know that you really see her," one man shares.

But it wasn't only men who dropped by the comment section. Women stopped to share their appreciation for the wisdom being left for all to see.

"After reading this comment section, my faith in the institution of marriage is restored. Relationships are not perfect, but we gotta try with people who want to try," one woman writes.

"I don't know why I'm crying...I guess I never knew men like these existed...Your wives must be blessed," another woman shares.

If you need a dose of healthy masculinity and wholesome advice for lasting partnerships, look no further than that comment section. They're saving some future couple from heartache by simply showing up to answer a stranger's question on the internet.

This article originally appeared last year.

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