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Woman shares texts showing the difference between a healthy and a controlling relationship

Is it a healthy or controlling relationship?

a woman in nature; a tweet overlay and screenshot of a text conversation
Pic from Twitter.

The texting experience between two different men.

Saving old text messages from exes can sometimes be an asset when you need to remember exactly why you left them. Alternately, sometimes digital relics from old relationships serve as a good reminder of how much good we have in our lives currently.

At least, they did for the X user May Larsen, who posted screenshots of two text threads with two very different men in 2018.

The conversation on the left shows how an old conversation went down with an emotionally manipulative ex. While the other screenshot is a prime example of what communication in a healthy partnership looks like.

The emotional dynamics of this exchange are full of red flags.

screenshot of a text exchange

The unhealthy "Don’t cheat" Text.

Pic cropped from Twitter post.

This ex (boyfriend, hookup, whatever he was) went from 0-100 in no time. In fact, the ONLY way this kind of freak out would be excusable would be if they had prior plans she ditched on. Alternately, if he was doing a performance art bit where he embodied Drake's "0-100 / The Catch Up" via text message. Outside of those possibilities, this type of reaction is nothing short of manipulation and emotional abuse.

The second text message showed how Larsen's current partner responds to a simple night out:

relationships, boys, men

The healthy "Let me know when you’re home safe" Text.

Pic cropped from Twitter post.

The difference between these responses to a simple night out on the town is night and day. When comparing the two messages, the red flags really pop.

People on X had a LOT of thoughts about the texts.

A lot of people assumed the texts were from two guys she's currently dating.

That quickly got shut down.

Meanwhile, others were caught up with the fact that her current dude wears a cowboy hat.

Regardless of whether the rest of us are pro cowboy hat (I'm pro if you can pull it off), it seems they've got a healthy situation going. Communication is key, in any kind of relationship.


Update: It looks like May and Cowboy Hat got married in 2020. We love a happy ending!

🤠

This article originally appeared six years ago.

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Gen X mom reenacts 'coming home from school in the 80s' and it couldn't be more perfect

"This is why we turned out self sufficient, independent and successful."

Canva Photos

If you lived through an 80s childhood, this will send you back.

Generation X, made up of those born between 1965 and 1980, has many claims-to-fame in their younger years game. Gen X brought the world Prince and Kurt Cobain. We were The Goonies and The Breakfast Club. We took down the Berlin Wall while watching MTV.

But perhaps the most iconic thing about Gen X is our semi-feral childhoods of benign neglect. The standards of parenting and child rearing have shifted a lot in the past 40 to 50 years, as has the technological landscape that kids grow up in, so naturally, today's kids won't have the same childhoods previous generations had. But there's something particularly nostalgic about being a child of the 80s for those who lived it.


One mom nailed the experience with a video reenactment of what it was like to come home from school in the 80s.

Elizabeth Stevens (@BennettPeach on YouTube) arrives at the front door in her backpack, then pulls out a house key on a string around her neck. (Ah, the "latchkey kid" era when children were expected to come home to an empty house and let themselves in.)

Then she goes into the kitchen in her Care Bears t-shirt and finds a handwritten note—in cursive, of course—on the back of an envelope. "Working late—make your own dinner, watch your brother and the dishes better be done when I get home from bowling. – Mom"

- YouTube www.youtube.com

That's right. Mom wasn't just working late, she was also going bowling while her kids were home caring for themselves.

Then we see her washing the dishes despite barely being able to reach the faucet, even with a stool, and then her making a Gen X staple—the cinnamon-sugar and butter sandwich. On white bread, of course.

In just one minute, Stevens managed to capture the essence of so many Gen X memories, as commenters shared:

"The mom notes on an unopened bill is memories."

"Nailed it! The best thing about growing up in the '70s/'80's was being ALLOWED to grow up."

"Why this video made me almost cry?? How quiet it is inside the home. Lovely."

80s childhood, 80s, 80s nostalgia, gen x, latchkey kids, gen x nostalgia, generational differences, generational humor Wash the dishes before I get home from bowling! Photo by CDC on Unsplash

"Facts!!! No babysitter, go in the house, read the note, do the chores n not let anybody in!!!! I remember the homemade the 'cinnamon bun.'"

"70s and 80s … latch key kid here elementary, junior high and high school. we turned out self sufficient, independent and successful."

"Just so frickin on point!!! All of it from the clothes to the key on the necklace to the note. Even what you chose to do for a snack. Too good!!! The windbreaker that's memories. It's all coming back to me now lol thank you for this. You have brought a huge grin to both me and my inner child."

80s childhood, 80s, 80s nostalgia, gen x, latchkey kids, gen x nostalgia, generational differences, generational humor music video 80s GIF Giphy

"I was met with a note everyday, too. On the back of an envelope, my daily chores would be listed. If I was in trouble, I would cry as soon as I saw the note....lolol Love you momma. How I wished I could have saved those notes! They were historical treasures."

Tons of people gushed over the nostalgia of remembering those "good old days" when they were given both freedom and responsibility, with many saying kids today have no idea. One thing that might surprise the younger generations was how young the theoretical kid in this video could have been. We're not talking about young teens here—kids as young as 5 or 6 could be latchkey kids, and kids any older than that were often given responsibility for looking after younger siblings. Even official babysitting jobs could start around age 11, or sometimes even younger.

Gen X kids had learned to take care of themselves early on, which has its pros and cons. The rose-colored glasses many Gen X adults view their childhoods through can sometimes cloud the parts that were not so great about growing up in the 70s and 80s. Sure, that benign neglect resulted in resilience and independence, but for some that came at the cost of parental relationships and a sense of safety and security. We have more knowledge now about things like mental health support, parent-child attachment, and healthy relationship dynamics, and some of that learning is reflected in shifting parenting practices.

As often happens, the pendulum may have swung too far from the absent parents of the 70s and 80s to the helicopter parents of the 90s and 2000s, of course, and the "right" approach (if there is one) probably lies somewhere in the middle. But it is still fun to look back on those iconic childhood experiences with joy and humor and appreciate that they helped us become who we are today.

This article originally appeared in April. It has been updated.

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Mom explains her 'potentially dividing' decision to parent her kids like it's 1985

She shares 8 specific ways she's giving her kids an '80s childhood.

Images via Instagram/ @vanessaeves

Mom of 2 Vanessa Eaves shares 8 ways she is parenting like it's the 1980s.

Parenting was very different back in the 1980s. From latchkey kids to "roaming free," it hardly can compare to raising kids today.

But one mom is trying to emulate parenthood from back then. Mom of two Vanessa Eaves (@vanessaeves) shared with her followers that she is parenting her children like it is 1985.

In a post that resonated with fellow parents, Eaves laid out eight ways that she is turning back time while raising her kids. "Time to rewind 40 years 🙃🙃 Here’s 8 (potentially dividing 🤭) ways that I parent like it’s the 1980’s," she shared.

Eaves shared that the eight key things she is focusing on with her kids are:

- I don’t buy them lots of stuff
- I teach them resilience
- I seriously limit tablet time
- I’m not giving in to requests for an XBox
- I won’t be getting them a smartphone
- I like them wearing bare feet outside
- I let them be bored
- I don’t stress if their vegetables are just carrots & cucumbers on repeat

She shared her open and honest reasons why these eight pillars work best for her and her family, and explained more about her process. And many fellow parents love her take. "Agree with each and every point 🙌," one commented. Another added, "I’m glad I’m not alone! I do pretty much all of these."

Eaves wants to create a childhood experience similar to hers. "I grew up in New Zealand in the 80’s and we had the most wonderful childhood—always outside, in nature and using our imaginations for play," she tells Upworthy. "Too many kids these days spend too much time inside and far too much time on screens, so I’m just trying to take the positive down-to-earth aspects of how I was raised, mix it with common sense and modern day life and be aware of what we’ve learned from recent studies on the impact of technology on children."

She adds that this has worked with her kids and maintains an open dialogue with them about it. "We’re honest with our kids about our approach and they understand that too much screen time is not healthy, so they respect the boundaries when we give them limited time on their tablets," she says. "Kids are amazingly adaptable—they enjoy the freedom to be creative and get bored enough to invent their own fun."

Eaves has noticed more positives than negatives from raising her kids like it's the 1980s.

"I also hope for my kids it will instill independence, confidence, a strong sense of self and knowing what’s right for them. And resilience is key!" she adds. "I grew up with my grandparents around who fought in the war and they had no option but to be resilient. They never complained, showed a lot of gratitude and got on with life. Life is very different now but building resilience is still a core part of preparing them for adulthood—that and developing a growth mindset."

And by sharing her parenting perspective, she's been met with a lot of positive feedback.

"I've had a huge amount of support from other moms and people in agreement on various aspects of the post that they relate too," Eaves shared. "Some have found it a relief to know that there's other parents out there who are striving for a more wholesome childhood for their kids without too much technology or screentime."

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Research reveals two kinds of high school popularity, which lead to opposite outcomes

Being one of the cool kids isn't a predictor of future success.

Photo credit: Canva

Does being popular really matter?

Even decades into adulthood, most of us still remember who the popular kids were in high school, at least by face if not by name. Something about adolescent social interactions really sticks with us, and popularity (or lack thereof) is one thing that stands out in a typical high school experience. However, our memories of the popular kids last a lot longer than their actual popularity does, especially if those kids were a particular kind of popular.

Mitch Prinstein, PhD, a clinical child and adolescent psychologist, professor of psychology and neuroscience, and the director of clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, explains that there are two kinds of popularity in his book, Popular: Finding Happiness and Success in a World That Cares Too Much About the Wrong Kinds of Relationships. According to his research, one type of popularity is a predictor of a long and fulfilling life, while the other is the opposite.

popularity, popular kids, cool kids, high school, likeability There's a difference between likeable popularity and status popularity.Photo credit: Canva

"Those who are popular can be two different groups," Prinstein shared with the Speaking of Psychology podcast. "You have some who are popular when they were young, and they would be the kind that we would call 'likable.' However, a different kind of popularity emerges in adolescents, which we refer to as 'status.' And those are very different types of popularity. Likeability is good, status is pretty bad."

"Likeable" popularity is found in people who have genuinely likeable traits. These traits make people want to spend time with them and trust them because they make people feel valued and included. "Status" popularity is found in people who are influential and powerful, but not necessarily well-liked. We can probably all name people from our high school days who fit each of those categories of popular, and perhaps some who overlap both. (The class president who also happens to be a really kind and caring person, for instance.)

Prinstein's analysis of the research indicates that people who are likeable popular are more likely to end up in a happy marriage with well-adjusted kids and a successful career, whereas high status popularity correlates to long-term problems with depression, anxiety, substance use, and relationship problems. In other words, the "cool" kids who dominate the social landscape with power and influence in high school often don't fare as well as the kids who are popular because people truly like them.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Those disparate outcomes may not come as a surprise, all things considered, but Prinstein says we're living at a time when status popularity matters farther into adulthood than it did before. Like the brains of other mammals, the adolescent human brain is predisposed to look toward status because, on an instinctual level, it can mean access to more resources or mating partners. We're biologically wired to desire status popularity when we're young.

"It used to be that we would stop caring about that kind of popularity when we graduated from high school," Prinstein told Speaking of Psychology. "That's not the way the world works anymore though…things have dramatically changed in the last 20 or 30 years in ways that now make us care about status more than we ever have before."

Prinstein shared that it seemed to start with 24-hour cable news shows, then spread to reality TV and social media. In the past, we didn't have ubiquitous access to the lives of celebrities, virality wasn't a thing, and there weren't "likes" at the click of a button to feed the idea of status popularity being important.

popularity, popular kids, cool kids, high school, likeability Social media has pushed status popularity last beyond high school.Photo credit: Canva

"I'm so worried about teens today because they've lived in a world where pursuing status with a mouse click or on your phone 24/7, that's become normal," said Prinstein. "And when I worked on the book I was shocked to find how many covers of magazines for both kids and for adults are really promoting the message that we should care about our likes, and our retweets and our followers and even kids are being encouraged to say things on social media that they explicitly don't believe because if it gets them more likes or followers then it's worth it. And if you think about the message that that's sending the kids, that status is more important than actual true connections with others or integrity, that's a really really scary message."

Considering the outcomes, focusing more on likeability than status can help us all live better, more fulfilling lives. How do we do that? One way is to think about what you find likeable in other people and try to develop those qualities in yourself. Become a better listener. Support people by being encouraging and celebrating their wins. Don't brag or complain too much. Be kind and courteous. Ensure that everyone feels welcome and included when you're in a group.

Popularity isn't the ultimate goal, of course, but being likable will help you throughout your life, whereas status is a never-ending ladder that ultimately leads to nowhere. So if you find yourself yearning to be popular, pick the kind of popular you actually value and place your energy and attention there.

You can listen to the entire Speaking of Psychology interview with Dr. Prinstein here.

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Man visits his empty home and discovers squatters, so he moves in with them

Talk about toxic roomies.

Canva

A couple moves boxes into their new home

Picture it: you buy a new home knowing it's a bit of a fixer upper, but it's yours. You're expecting to move in slowly while you work on the house, but when you make your way to your new-to-you home, someone is already living there. Or maybe you're selling a home that's been sitting vacant and when the realtor gets there to show the property, someone has moved in. What do you do?

The logical answer would be to call the police because, clearly, there are intruders in your home who have made it their own. You have all the paperwork showing you own the property so it should be a no brainer. Wrong.

Marco Velazquez had this very situation happen when trying to sell a vacant home that he owns. When he reached out to the local authorities, he was informed that the people who moved into his home unlawfully cannot be forced out.

Under the current law in Illinois where the incident took place, squatters have rights and the police cannot forcibly remove squatters from the home. It's unclear if the squatters were scammed or if they were aware the property was not legally theirs as they presented police officers with mortgage paperwork, but the mortgage company listed did not exist.

squatters, squatters' rights, homeowner rights, Marco Velazquez, property dispute, Illinois law, moving in with squatters, viral story, real estate nightmare, eviction Row of boarded-up homesCanva

No matter how the couple came about living in the home, it wasn't legally theirs. There needed to be a resolution, but they weren't interested in leaving. That's when the homeowner decided to come up with something a little out of the box: Velazquez decided if the people in his home couldn't be removed, they'd be getting a new roommate–him.

"I said I'm not moving out and I said at one point they gotta leave, they gotta get tired of us being in the property. I called a couple of friends to stay overnight and I knew they were not gonna like that," Velazquez says to ABC 7 Chicago.

The homeowner moved in with his wife and several friends, bringing air mattresses and blankets determined to tire out the squatters. However, it quickly became apparent that the illegal tenants were not planning to move out. In actuality, the morning after Velazquez moved in, the squatters demanded he pay them $8,000 for them to move out. While the stunt of moving in with squatters was a Hail Mary, Velazquez knew that the arrangement wasn't safe and heard stories of squatters staying for months.

squatters, squatters' rights, homeowner rights, Marco Velazquez, property dispute, Illinois law, moving in with squatters, viral story, real estate nightmare, eviction A man walks down a alleyCanva

Instead of continuing to wait out the squatters, the man started negotiations with the couple to get them out of his house so it could be sold. He paid the couple $4,300 to leave his home. Shortly after the pair moved out, he learned that the woman had previously been arrested after squatting in someone else's home. Velazquez is hoping that he can also bring charges against the woman and her male partner for squatting in his home.

"We didn't want to give them money but we heard really bad stories about squatters taking over properties six, eight, ten months, even a year," Velazquez says. "I heard stories before about squatters. I never thought it was going to happen to me."

- YouTube www.youtube.com

This article originally appeared earlier this year. It has been updated.

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These 4 words can keep a conversation flowing forever no matter how bad you are at small talk

There's literally no way to screw this up.

Credit: Canva

A couple talking over coffee.

Many people find making small talk to be an excruciating experience. They think it’s boring to talk with a stranger about the weather, sports, or weekend plans. They may also feel like they don’t have anything to contribute to the conversation, or they don’t understand the point of having one in the first place.

However, those who excel at making small talk have a tremendous advantage in their professional and romantic relationships, as well as forming new friendships. Most importantly, small talk is a window to transition into medium talk or, eventually, deep, meaningful conversations. The problem is that many people get stuck in small talk, and things stall before progressing to something beneficial.

conversation, friends, small talk, chatting Two women chatting in front of a fire. Credit: Atlantic Ambience/Pexels

How to get better at small talk

The great thing is that, like anything, making small talk is a skill that we can all improve by learning some simple conversation techniques. One technique that is great for keeping a conversation going, like hitting a ball back and forth past a net in tennis, is a simple statement:

"It reminds me of…”

A Redditor recently shared some great examples of how the phrase can be used to turn a mundane topic, such as the weather, into something much more fun:

Them: "It's been really rainy, huh?"

You:

Option 1 (Personal Story): "Yeah, it reminds me of a time I went on a run in the rain and nearly got hit by a car."

Option 2 (Music / Pop Culture): "It reminds me of every Adele song. When I'm driving, I feel like I'm in a music video."

Option 3 (Family): "It reminds me of my dad, he used to love playing with us in the rain as kids."

Option 4 (Thing you watched / World News): "It reminds me of this documentary I saw where they're trying to make it rain in the Sahara Desert.”

Option 5 (Place you lived): “It reminds me of when I lived in Australia, it barely ever rained there. I actually love this weather.”


- YouTube www.youtube.com

You see in this example that using “It reminds me of…” opened up the conversation to five potential new and more exciting topics. The “You” in the story could have responded with, “Yeah, it sure is rainy,” and the conversation would have ended right there. But instead, branching off the topic of rain into something a bit deeper took the conversation to the next level. You get extra points if you can take the “reminds me of” into a topic that you assume the other person will be interested in.

What’s a polite way to change the topic in a conversation?

Using “this reminds me of…” is also a polite way to move the topics in another direction, especially when it's a topic that you don’t want to discuss or one that makes you feel a bit uncomfortable. Or, if it’s a situation where the other person is monologuing on one topic for a very long time, this makes it easy to transition away from their diatribe.

conversation, small talk, chatting, cafe Two guys chat at a cafe. Credit: Helena Lopes/Pexels

Ultimately, the phrase is an excellent way for you to save the person you’re talking to from being stuck in the small talk rut as well. It shows you understand that when someone brings up the weather, they are merely getting things started with something both of you have in common. They probably don’t want to talk about the weather for 30 minutes, unless they are a meteorologist. “It reminds me of…” is an invitation to go a bit deeper and shows the other person that you’d like to learn more about them.

This article originally appeared in April. It has been updated.


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