upworthy

relationships

Joy

Philosophy expert shares the 'weird' sign that someone is happily married

It's not the way we were taught to see love.

via Canva/Photos and Michel de Montaigne/Wikimedia Commons

Writer Michel de Montaigne and a happy couple.

There are many ways to evaluate your marriage to determine whether you’re truly happy. Does it mean that you don’t fight very often? Does it mean that it’s filled with passion? Does it mean that you have no desire to be with anyone else? Is it because you have all of your business affairs in order, or is that the marriage is safe and predictable?

Further, like any relationship, there’s an ebb and flow to marriage where even the most perfect relationship has its ups and downs. Popular TikTok philosopher and Substack writer Juan de Medeiros recently shared an easy way to figure out if you, your spouse, or someone you know is in a happy marriage. He says it goes back to a quote by French author Michel de Montaigne: “If there is such a thing as a good marriage, it is because it resembles friendship rather than love.”

@julianphilosophy

Marriage❤️ #married #marriedlife #marriage #love

“And what he meant is that love is a good starting point,” de Medeiros explains. “But if you want to be together for a long time, you have to become best friends. In fact, you could have been best friends to begin with and then fallen in love.”

What's the secret to a happy marriage?

He also points to author Dr. Seuss to elaborate on the importance of friendship in a marriage. Suess writes, “We are all a little weird, and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

dr. suess, cat in the hat, authors, ted geisel, famous writersTed Geisel aka Dr. Seuss.via AL Ravenna/Wikimedia Commons

In Seuss’s view, unconventional quirks and characteristics bring people together. When everything that makes you unique in the world is either shared by your partner or cherished by them, it creates a bond and a common language that is impossible to duplicate. This “mutual weirdness” is also a powerful quality that helps people weather life's storms.

The post resonated with many of de Medeiros’s followers, who shared the benefits of having a marriage based on mutual weirdness. “My husband and I mutually hate everyone else. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in,” Kacie wrote. “My husband is weird, so am I. We made four weird kids,” Megan added. “When something weird or funny happens to me, I can’t WAIT to call or text my husband to share it with him. Been happily married for almost 30 years,” Pharmtech commented.

marriage, couples, happy couples, marriage advice, good marriages, couple on beachA couple taking a selfie.via Canva/Photos

Some also noted that even though Seuss may have some thoughtful things to say about love, he wasn’t the most incredible husband. "Unfortunately, Dr. Seuss is a terrible role model for marriage," Missy wrote.

Ultimately, as people age passion will wane in the relationship. Couples who have all the money in the world can still be miserable. Children may bring joy in the long run, but they can make marriage more stressful. But breaking a couple up is hard when their foundation is built on true friendship.

“And that's what a happy marriage is. It's the highest form of friendship,” de Medeiros ends his video. “It's finding someone who feels like your best buddy, like the person you wanna have around you all the time. The person you can't live without. That's what makes a happy marriage, being best friends.”

From Your Site Articles
philosophy
Humor

Men share 30 women's habits they had no idea about until they actually lived with a woman

"Similar to cats, they naturally gravitate to the warmest parts of the house."

Photo credit: Canva

These all seem to ring true.

While we are moving away from the rigidly binary “men are from Mars, women are from Venus,” mentality, we all know that each gender tends to have its own special quirks. And often, unless we grew up with a bunch of siblings from the opposite sex, we don’t learn what those quirks are until we move in with a significant other. Truly, it can feel like observing the daily ritual of another species entirely.

Recently, men were asked to open up about the womanly habits they had no idea were a thing until they got a girlfriend. Their answers were funny, sweet, and (not to speak for all women, but…) totally relatable. I’m certainly guilty of every single one of these.

Keep reading to see what the fellas said:

1. “She talks to herself when she blowdries her hair. Every time, and only then. Due to the noise of the dryer, I can't understand what she's saying, but she really goes on. Once she stops drying, she stops talking. Happens every day.”

living with a woman, men vs women, women's skincare, moving in, relationships, beauty routineA woman blowdrying her hairPhoto credit: Canva

2. “Anything that comes in a mini size is called cute. Mini bullet = cute. Mini Machete = cute. Doesn’t matter what it is as long as it’s mini.”

3. "Similarly to cats, they naturally gravitate to the warmest parts of the house. It might be the cozy chair, a heated blanket, or the bed section I was just lying in. I'm honestly unsure if she loves me or just my excess heat (and I'm honestly OK either way)."

4. “The "everything" shower.”

5. “Common areas which can be seen by guests: SPOTLESS. Their personal space that closes that cannot be seen by guests: FUCKING DISASTER.”

living with a woman, men vs women, women's skincare, moving in, relationships, beauty routineA woman in a closetPhoto credit: Canva

6. “First time I moved in with a partner I certainly wasn't ready for the transformation my bathroom counter was about to go through.”

7. “I don't know if it's women in general, but my wife sheds clothes like a snake around the house. You can find evidence of exactly where she became uncomfortable and how much, depending on if the discarded clothes are in a small pile or strewn around the room.”

8. “How much time and effort they spend curating style. The reason they call “shopping” a whole hobby is bc half the time they aren’t even buying anything. They’re spending hours just browsing (online or at a store) just concocting aesthetics in their heads and brainstorming new looks or ideas. Meanwhile I’ve been wearing the same 8 shirts and 8 pairs of pants for the last ten years.”

living with a woman, men vs women, women's skincare, moving in, relationships, beauty routineOnline shoppingPhoto credit: Canva

9. “That skincare was such a big deal. I think before I met my wife, I used to just use soap on my face, which almost gave her an aneurysm. Meanwhile, she is using about 5000 products in the morning and night on her face (snail something was the strangest one).After 7 years together she managed to get me using cleanser and moisturizer. I still can't tell the difference.”

10. “3 foot tall piles of clothes on the ground I’d assume are dirty but apparently they’re not? But at the same time some are dirty? I guess? Idfk.”

11. "The fact that they take showers with boiling water. I'll occasionally try to be a little spontaneous with my wife and sneak in the shower with her. First, I must locate the shower because I can't see a foot in front of me due to all the steam. When I finally step in, I must use her as a human shield until she turns the temperature down."

living with a woman, men vs women, women's skincare, moving in, relationships, beauty routineA hot showerPhoto credit: Canva

12. "They never finish their drinks. I find two cups of half-drunken coffee scattered around the house multiple times a week until we run out of coffee cups."

13. "She takes her bra off at the end of the day the same way I take my belt off my jeans when I get home. It is with the force of a thousand suns and a sigh of relief."

14. "Women have a million black hair ties and also none."

living with a woman, men vs women, women's skincare, moving in, relationships, beauty routineHair tiesPhoto credit: Canva

15. “A compulsive need to squeeze blackheads and tweeze [rogue] hairs. Sometimes, she will be scratching my back or scalp, and I think, hey, this is wonderful. I wonder what I did to deserve this, and then out of nowhere, I feel like I've become the victim of 1,000 fire ants."

16. "That a 5-foot-tall, 100-pound woman can take up an entire king-size bed."

17. "My wife pulls on the toilet paper roll like she's trying to start a lawn mower."

living with a woman, men vs women, women's skincare, moving in, relationships, beauty routineA woman holding toilet paperPhoto credit: Canva

18. "They plan things way more than I do and much further out. I have no clue what tomorrow will bring, but my wife has the next five-plus years of our life together planned out."

19. "Hair washing is something that needs planning for and has consequences if missed or overdone."

20. "If you buy snacks for yourself, hide dat sh*t. She'll find it."

living with a woman, men vs women, women's skincare, moving in, relationships, beauty routineA woman eating a donutPhoto credit: Canva

21. "Makeup is a whole thing. I never saw my mom put it on as a little kid. When I lived with my first significant other, watching her put on makeup fascinated me. I lost track of time when she went full-on with the makeup for an event."

22. "They are either cold or hungry. Sometimes both. Never neither."

23. "Their hair gets everywhere. One time, my toe was hurting, so I removed my shoe and sock and noticed that a strand of my girlfriend's hair had wrapped itself TIGHTLY around my toe and cut off the circulation."

living with a woman, men vs women, women's skincare, moving in, relationships, beauty routineHair on the floorPhoto credit: Canva

24. "As a guy with long hair, I’m still thoroughly confused about why there is so much more hair everywhere now than when I was living alone."

25. "How tricky it is to find a well-fitting bra and how darn expensive they are."

26. "Pillows. Pillows everywhere. The more decorative pillow, the better."

living with a woman, men vs women, women's skincare, moving in, relationships, beauty routinePillowsPhoto credit: Canva

27. "How much time women spend in the bathroom every night before sleeping. No, sir, it's not just a matter of brushing your teeth and going to bed."

28. "A cute little thing I noticed after we were married is that my wife holds her breath when she applies mascara."

29. "A trip to the grocery store can turn into a full day of reorganizing the entire pantry and refrigerator."

living with a woman, men vs women, women's skincare, moving in, relationships, beauty routineA woman shoppingPhoto credit: Canva

30. "How much of their social life is tied to their personal safety. Women have safety protocols for going on date with guys they meet on apps, making sure they don’t get drugged at parties, making sure they aren’t nabbed off the street, letting each other know which men around them are safe and who they need to be careful around, etc. It’s insane. And like wtf, so heartbreaking that it’s necessary."

From Your Site Articles
relationships
Love Stories

Researchers have been secretly studying who gets "the ick" and what it might say about you

"The ick" has been around for ages but never measured and analyzed. Until now.

Canva Photos

The ick: A sudden revulsion to a romantic partner over trivial behavior.

The first time I heard of "the ick" came from watching the hit Netflix show Nobody Wants This. In the show, Kristen Bell's character suddenly develops the ick for Adam Brody's character (whom she's dating) after a series of relatively minor faux pas as he's trying to impress her parents. He wears a cheesy sports coat and makes one-too-many corny jokes, to be precise. She suddenly finds herself repulsed by him, and insists that no one has "ever come back from the ick."

Adam Brody's character eventually wins her back over with an impressive display of emotional maturity, but it was a fascinating sequence nonetheless. It brought the term to the attention of a lot of viewers and catapulted it even higher into the zeitgeist.

A new study in the journal Personality and Individual Differences aims to shed light on this phenomenon, and the people who experience it.


dating, relationships, break ups, divorce, the ick, dating studyThe Ick even made it to JeopardyGiphy

For starters, let's define "the ick," or rather, let the authors of the study do it:

"The 'ick' 'is a sudden and visceral aversion to a romantic partner, often triggered by behaviors or characteristics that superficially signal incompatibility or low mate quality."

In other words, it's when a person says or does something that really skeeves you out or turns you off. It sounds a little silly, but the ick can be extremely powerful and tough for people to shake. That's because, as the authors note, whatever the behavior is that icked you out might signal that you're not a good match for this person, or that they're just a low quality partner in general. So in a sense, it's an evolutionary protection mechanism.

It seems extremely harsh that our bodies would be trained to reject partners at the slightest misstep, but in evolutionary terms, it makes a lot of sense:

"A false-positive error—accepting an incompatible partner—can drain resources, reduce reproductive success, and carry long-term relational consequences, whereas a false-negative error—rejecting a compatible partner—results in a missed opportunity but poses fewer immediate risks," the study says.

So if the guy you were into shows up in a fedora one day, it's probably best to show him the door posthaste. Better safe than sorry.

What causes the ick?


- YouTubewww.youtube.com

It's usually brought on by things that, on the surface, seem pretty unimportant. We're not talking about cheating, emotional abuse, or being a bad person. It's much subtler than that. The researchers use lots of examples from TV to make their point:

"In Seinfeld ... Jerry is disgusted by his date's 'manly' hands; and in Sex and the City ... Carrie is revolted by a lover after learning he wrote her a love song."

But where the actual studying part of the study comes in is that the authors began inhaling TikTok videos where users discussed their experiences getting the ick, and they began rigorously categorizing the responses.

The real-life examples are even more nit-picky, like someone who licks their fingers before turning a page. Girls "tripping in public." A guy wearing jorts, or bending over too far and accidentally showing his butt crack. Or, in Adam Brody's case, wearing a sports coat. In many cases these simple (and hilarious!) things are death knells for a relationship once the ick sets in.

The researchers broke ick-inducing behaviors down into a few buckets: Gender incongruence, public embarrassment, or physical appearance. Believe it or not, physical appearance was not the most common! Gender incongruence — guys doing girly things, girls doing manly things — was the biggest category of ick-driving behavior. One girl said the guy she was dating gave her "the ick" when he laid his head on her shoulder affectionately.

Wow...

What getting "the ick" might say about you

disgust, inside out, the ick, dating, relationships, break ups, studies, scientific researchPrime candidate for The IckGiphy

The next part of the study involved recruiting participants who were willing to answer questions about their own experiences with this phenomenon. After thorough interviews, researchers narrowed down three traits that seem to indicate people are more likely to get "the ick,":

Narcissism. People who like to be the center of attention or otherwise display narcissistic tendencies were highly correlated in this study.

Perfectionism. Not perfectionism of the self, mind you! But people who scored highly on questions related to holding the people around them to exceptionally high standards were more prone to "the ick."

Disgust sensitivity. People were more likely to have experienced "the ick" if they answered strongly on questions relating to feeling disgust even outside of a dating or interpersonal sense. People who get exceptionally grossed out by disgusting things are more likely to experience revulsion at minor behaviors in a romantic partner.

Any of those things sound like you? If you're feeling judged, don't. Remember, getting icked-out by a partner isn't necessarily a bad thing. It could be an evolutionary response trying to protect you from making a bad choice (like having a baby with a weirdo). Though it's also important to remember this biological strategy also discards a lot of potentially great partners, so listen to your ick wisely — you might just want to give fedora guy another chance, after all.

From Your Site Articles
dating
Love Stories

Woman's 'controversial' take on breakups illustrates our shifting attitudes about divorce

She claims she's "never thought" one of her newly single friends made the wrong choice.

Canva Photos

More women than ever are being empowered to leave bad relationships.

Did you know that almost half of all people have gotten back together with an ex at some point after ending the relationship? It's so common that it's almost become a joke. Uh oh, don't let your friend have too many drinks or she'll start texting her ex. We all know trying to revive a dead romance as a comically bad idea in almost all cases.

But surely there are exceptions. There must be cases where people break up for silly or inconsequential reasons when they're really better off together. There have to be people out there who really should try to win their ex back, right? Depending on who you listen to, this may be true for men. For women? Well...

A woman recently went viral for a simple but powerful observation about her newly single friends: They're all doing just fine.

relationships, chelsea handler, love, sex, dating, breakups, divorceChelsea Handler gets it: Being single is better than being with the wrong person.Giphy

The woman, who goes by @devonstephen on TikTok, mused that in all of her experience with her female friends leaving their partners, it's always been the right decision.

"I have never met a divorced woman and never been friends with a girl going through a breakup who, after they leave their partner, I've thought, you need him back. 'Go get him back girl.' I've never thought that."

She didn't directly elaborate on why she thought that was the case, but viewers were able to fill in the context and implications quite easily. The short, 15-second clip struck a huge nerve with women everywhere, racking up over half a million views and hundreds of comments.

@devonstephen

this is my official stance on divorce #girlhood #bigsister #fyp

Though the opinion seemed controversial, commenters overwhelmingly agreed:

Seems every woman who chimed in had a story about a friend, or even themselves, coming out on the other side of a breakup better off:

"I've also never met a divorced woman doing worse in life after the divorce. They always level up"

"I've NEVER thought, 'her loss'"

"I have never met a woman who left a man and regretted it; only regretted not leaving sooner."

"Every time I tell an older woman that I’m divorced she tells me congratulations and means it"

"it’s always, 'thank god finally' she’s always so much better off!!"

"When I talk to all my elders, the grandmas and the tias, they all tell me to stay single and enjoy the life they never got to live. Watching them in their relationships makes it real bc they suffered"

It sounds harsh, and of course it doesn't reflect 100% of reality, but the comments were extremely illuminating when it comes to a rising sentiment.


@devonstephen

Replying to @itsame! 🇨🇦 the hot girl trifecta: strong, healthy, wealthy (in so many ways) #fyp #girlhood #bigsister #breakup

The latest data shows that about 41% of first marriages end in divorce. For those that get remarried, the numbers rise drastically. Divorce rates rose for decades before peaking around 1980 and going into a gradual decline in subsequent years. A stunning 70% of these divorces are initiated by women.

In the past, women, especially, were locked into bad marriages because of a lack of financial independence and the non-existence of no-fault divorce. No-fault divorce laws were introduced in the 1970s and allowed either party to leave a marriage without assigning fault or blame to the other party. These laws gave women more agency to leave marriages and some argue they even save lives to this day by allowing women to escape domestic violence without having to prove it in court.

The relatively high divorce rate (though it's down quite a bit from its peak) is often pointed to as a bad thing or as a sign of a crumbling society. But that point of view misses the bigger context. It's become more culturally acceptable to divorce, and fewer people are trapped for life in loveless or broken relationships. Women, in particular, have been empowered and given agency to leave bad, abusive, or unhappy situations.

It's probably an oversimplification to claim that women are never at fault in a break up with a solid guy or can't make mistakes in an otherwise good relationship, but the point of the video stands that, in general, when women leave a partner, it's usually for a good reason. And the difference in 2025 is that they're more empowered culturally and legally to do so, and get on with living their best lives.

From Your Site Articles
relationships
Trending Stories