dating

Dating someone from a completely different culture can reveal whole new ways of life. And it goes beyond wedding or holiday traditions. Even the smallest, most seemingly insignificant moments like dinner conversations, scheduling a date, or meeting the family can be wildly different, depending on what ideals you were brought up with.

And even though this kind of dynamic can present challenges, there are also so many gifts to be gleaned from it, like discovering new foods, music, language, spiritual practices, and ways of thinking that you never knew existed.

Recently, people on Reddit who had dated someone outside their culture were asked to share the most “surprising” discoveries they made in the process, and the answers ended up being a fascinating deep-dive showing just how beautifully complex our shared humanity is.

Below are our favorites:

Language barriers

Couple argues at the dinner table with a child nearby; pizza and wine on the table.Photo credit: Canva

“I whisper to my girlfriend "what are they fighting about"? My girlfriend stops the dinner conversation to make an announcement in Italian, that the Canadian wants to know what the men are fighting about. everyone bursts out laughing.”

“I married into a Cantonese family…The most anxiety inducing thing imaginable is a bunch of rapidly spoken Cantonese with my first name mentioned here and there.”

“We both spoke in English which is my native language and hers is Korean. She would get so frustrated that she couldn’t really express what she was thinking because A. Her English wasn’t fluent enough and B. Even if she spoke Korean, I would have no idea wth she was saying. I eventually learned enough Korean, got married to her and now get the full wrath of her temper lol. Love her to death though.”

Different ideas about romance and gender roles

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“I have a sweet one. I'm from Latin America, he's German. At the beginning, he wouldn't flirt at all (according to me). He wouldn't try to get physically close to me, hug me by my waist, no great romantic gestures, which are expected from the man in my culture. It got to the point where I wasn't sure if he liked me. What he would do, was find the time to do things with me, and would reply to my texts super fast, even during working hours. Was talking to one of my friends of 10+ years, who also happened to be living in Germany at that point for 3 years (I had just moved). He told me "are you crazy? That man's head over heels for you. Germans value time above everything, and he's giving it to you. He's literally giving you the thing he values the most in the world to you". Next time we met, I asked him directly if he liked me and he was like "of course! Why else would I give you my time?!?". Lol, we still joke that we owe our relationship to my BFF for clarifying that cultural difference.”

“I dated a Filipina who told me I was not dominant enough for her. She said it was not my fault, that her culture had taught her to be obedient to her man, and that she knew I would never provide the kind of relationship she would be comfortable with. I was shocked.”

“As a western person, i'm used to independent women working high end jobs being very anti traditional gender roles. Dated a bulgarian girl and she was very independent and working a high end job, yet was very traditional, wanting a man to do all the 'man' stuff (like take out the bin, fight anyone who looked at her wrong, order for her at meals, etc.) and for her to do the 'woman' stuff (clean, cook, look after the kids, etc.) Was interesting.”

Family dynamics

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“I’m a white boy who dated a Lebanese girl through HS and early parts of college…Once you are part of the family, there’s literally nothing they won’t do for you as long as you are respectful. I blew a tire once, her brother showed up on the side of the road an hour later (early cell phone days) with a new tire, switched it out…Wouldn’t take a dime in return payment…When we broke up, it was doubly painful because I had to say goodbye to so many people that had become really important to me beyond my ex.”

“I’m a white American and my wife is from a Mexican family. What probably has surprised me the most is how close her family is. For weddings or big events the whole family will contribute money. Your house breaking in Mexico? Everyone will pitch in. Basically family crowdfunding.”

“Dating a white American guy….the way he talks to his mother and siblings was SOOOO shocking! They’re so candid and loud and so quick with deep cut insults, but they laugh it off and move on in an instant. Sometimes I don't even know if they're arguing or not lol. My Asian parents would smite me if I’d try something like that.”

Emotional expression

Man and woman engaged in a heated discussion by a window indoors.Photo credit: Canva

“Am American and husband is Italian. Italians are known to be expressive and very forward with their emotions but I had to teach my husband to bring his expression of frustration down a few notches…He’s had to learn to approach me (and others here) in a more cooled off manner. On the flipside, I’ve had to learn to center food, food-related activities, and etiquette in my life. Quickly eating a meal alone before getting back to business is normal for Americans, but operating in this way seems to make Italians SAD.”

“My eastern european man was very shocked with heavily spiced and seasoned food (southeast asian here) and the fact that I got surprised with unexpected gifts, barely ask for anything, and cannot express what I want directly. “

Everyday lifestyle

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“Just how busy everyone is in Japan. If you ask a girl out and she's keen, she will whip out her calendar on her phone and ask if you have any days free next month. When a girl I was dating told me that in her last 1-year long relationship she'd only actually met her ex-boyfriend maybe 10 times total, I was floored.”

“I dated a Dutch girl. Even in a car centric American city, she insisted on riding her bike everywhere. She also frequently took the bus even though that’s thought of as something for poor people.”

Shared history and cultural references

Two kids eat popcorn while watching TV intently in a cozy, softly lit room.Photo credit: Canva

“Being the same age and not having common childhood references was strange. Like “oh remember that cartoon that everyone watched??” and they have no idea what you’re talking about, and likewise you have no idea what they’re talking about with their references.”

The role of celebrations and social gatherings

People toasting with wine glasses around a candlelit dinner table.Photo credit: Canva

“Trinidadian married to a Dane. I had to get used to how low-key everything is here when it comes to celebrating things. In Trinidad it doesn't matter how big or small, every gathering is essentially a party with tons of food and alcohol and music, and people typically hang out for hours and hours. In Denmark, unless it's a super special occasion like an anniversary dinner or a birthday luncheon, gatherings are super laid back. No music, no alcohol, and usually only finger foods and coffee/tea. It was...difficult getting used to it lol.”

Religion and community structure

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“I’m going to call this a different culture. I’m from New England and my ex was from the deep south. The church culture for them is insane. Church is just were everything in the town is, all the meetings, all the social clubs, literally everything. Growing up we only went to church in Christmas and Easter, but they actually go every Sunday and then again during the week several times for social functions.”