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The haunting final messages people have received from significant others and the deceased

Every relationship has a final text.

screenshot of text conversation
via Imgur

"Why does it sound like you're leaving?"

In every relationship we'll ever have, there's going to be a final conversation. Before the digital age, these interactions were usually face-to-face or over the telephone and could only be recorded in our memories. But now, just about every relationship leaves a paper trail of text messages, social media interactions, and voice messages. Sometimes the final communication is a heated breakup, and other times, it's a casual interaction shortly before a person's death.

A few years ago, there was a Tumblr blog that collected these haunting final messages. The Last Message Received contains submissions of the last messages people received from ex-friends or ex-significant others as well as from deceased friends and relatives. The last post was in 2021. Here are some of the blog's most haunting posts.

"My good friend's dad died around Thanksgiving. Two weeks later he drank himself to death."

screenshot of a text conversation

Sometimes we don't know it's the last conversation.

Tumblr|TheLastMessage Received

"This is the last text I got from my mom before she died of Stage IV brain cancer at the age of 53. It left her completely paralyzed on the left side of her body, hence the typos in the texts. What she was saying was, 'You're missing music therapy.' Almost as good as Good Friday church giggles.' A few years prior to this, we went to the Good Friday service at our church. The choir was absolutely horrendous and couldn't sing whatsoever. She and I sat there, in the most serious, somber church service of all, laughing hysterically, unable to stop for the life of us. She sent me this text while she was in hospice and I was at school."

screenshot of a text conversation

Sometimes the last message is a happy one.

Tumblr|TheLastMessageReceived

"This happened a few months back. He was my best friend and my boyfriend of 7 years. He stuck with me when I fell pregnant at 16 after I was raped. He became an actual dad to my son. He was my everything. A few months before this message, things started to change, we drifted apart and he was telling my 5 year old son to lie to me about his whereabouts. One night he beat me, I ended up in hospital for a few days. He begged for forgiveness, I stayed. It happened again a few days later, he was at work when I text him. I took my son and left. This is the last text I received from him. I heard last week that he's just been sent to prison for crimes involving violence and drugs. I hope he gets the help he needs."

screenshot of a text conversation.

Sometimes the last message is abrupt.

Tumblr|TheLastMessageReceived

"My dad died 6 weeks later flying the plane in this picture."

screenshot of a text conversation

Sometimes the last message is simple and innocuous.

Tumblr|TheLastMessageReceived

"The last text he sent me. The next day I got a call from his daughter that he was still very much with his wife and I wasn't the only one he was cheating on her with."

screenshot of a text conversation

Sometimes there's no indication anything is wrong.

Tumblr|TheLastMessageReceived

"She had sent me a message earlier asking me not to contact her anymore. I woke up to one last message. We'd dated for 3.5 years and when I came out as trans, the relationship fell apart. I still think about and miss her every day."

screenshot of a text conversation

Sometimes you know it's the end.

Tumblr|TheLastMessageReceived


"I sent this to my grandpa on thanksgiving. Two days later he unexpectedly had a heart attack and passed. He was my favorite person in the world and nothing has been the same since. I refuse to delete this message."

screenshot of a text conversation

Sometimes the last message is a simple holiday wish.

Tumblr|TheLastMessageReceived

"I would have fallen in love with her if distance and timing hadn't gotten in the way. I'm ignoring her because I need to let her move on."

screenshot of a text message

Sometimes the last message is a call out that goes unanswered.

Tumblr|TheLastMessageReceived

We don't always know when the last time is the last time. Moving forward, let's be sure to be honest, open, and communicative with the ones we love.

This article originally appeared five years ago.


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Gen X mom reenacts 'coming home from school in the 80s' and it couldn't be more perfect

"This is why we turned out self sufficient, independent and successful."

Canva Photos

If you lived through an 80s childhood, this will send you back.

Generation X, made up of those born between 1965 and 1980, has many claims-to-fame in their younger years game. Gen X brought the world Prince and Kurt Cobain. We were The Goonies and The Breakfast Club. We took down the Berlin Wall while watching MTV.

But perhaps the most iconic thing about Gen X is our semi-feral childhoods of benign neglect. The standards of parenting and child rearing have shifted a lot in the past 40 to 50 years, as has the technological landscape that kids grow up in, so naturally, today's kids won't have the same childhoods previous generations had. But there's something particularly nostalgic about being a child of the 80s for those who lived it.


One mom nailed the experience with a video reenactment of what it was like to come home from school in the 80s.

Elizabeth Stevens (@BennettPeach on YouTube) arrives at the front door in her backpack, then pulls out a house key on a string around her neck. (Ah, the "latchkey kid" era when children were expected to come home to an empty house and let themselves in.)

Then she goes into the kitchen in her Care Bears t-shirt and finds a handwritten note—in cursive, of course—on the back of an envelope. "Working late—make your own dinner, watch your brother and the dishes better be done when I get home from bowling. – Mom"

- YouTube www.youtube.com

That's right. Mom wasn't just working late, she was also going bowling while her kids were home caring for themselves.

Then we see her washing the dishes despite barely being able to reach the faucet, even with a stool, and then her making a Gen X staple—the cinnamon-sugar and butter sandwich. On white bread, of course.

In just one minute, Stevens managed to capture the essence of so many Gen X memories, as commenters shared:

"The mom notes on an unopened bill is memories."

"Nailed it! The best thing about growing up in the '70s/'80's was being ALLOWED to grow up."

"Why this video made me almost cry?? How quiet it is inside the home. Lovely."

80s childhood, 80s, 80s nostalgia, gen x, latchkey kids, gen x nostalgia, generational differences, generational humor Wash the dishes before I get home from bowling! Photo by CDC on Unsplash

"Facts!!! No babysitter, go in the house, read the note, do the chores n not let anybody in!!!! I remember the homemade the 'cinnamon bun.'"

"70s and 80s … latch key kid here elementary, junior high and high school. we turned out self sufficient, independent and successful."

"Just so frickin on point!!! All of it from the clothes to the key on the necklace to the note. Even what you chose to do for a snack. Too good!!! The windbreaker that's memories. It's all coming back to me now lol thank you for this. You have brought a huge grin to both me and my inner child."

80s childhood, 80s, 80s nostalgia, gen x, latchkey kids, gen x nostalgia, generational differences, generational humor music video 80s GIF Giphy

"I was met with a note everyday, too. On the back of an envelope, my daily chores would be listed. If I was in trouble, I would cry as soon as I saw the note....lolol Love you momma. How I wished I could have saved those notes! They were historical treasures."

Tons of people gushed over the nostalgia of remembering those "good old days" when they were given both freedom and responsibility, with many saying kids today have no idea. One thing that might surprise the younger generations was how young the theoretical kid in this video could have been. We're not talking about young teens here—kids as young as 5 or 6 could be latchkey kids, and kids any older than that were often given responsibility for looking after younger siblings. Even official babysitting jobs could start around age 11, or sometimes even younger.

Gen X kids had learned to take care of themselves early on, which has its pros and cons. The rose-colored glasses many Gen X adults view their childhoods through can sometimes cloud the parts that were not so great about growing up in the 70s and 80s. Sure, that benign neglect resulted in resilience and independence, but for some that came at the cost of parental relationships and a sense of safety and security. We have more knowledge now about things like mental health support, parent-child attachment, and healthy relationship dynamics, and some of that learning is reflected in shifting parenting practices.

As often happens, the pendulum may have swung too far from the absent parents of the 70s and 80s to the helicopter parents of the 90s and 2000s, of course, and the "right" approach (if there is one) probably lies somewhere in the middle. But it is still fun to look back on those iconic childhood experiences with joy and humor and appreciate that they helped us become who we are today.

This article originally appeared in April. It has been updated.

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Millennials sound off of the 10 'cringe but correct' hills they're willing to die on

You can pry the side part and earnestness from our cold, dead hands.

Photo credit: Canva

We have finally gotten to this age.

Kids today don’t use words like “lame” to let you know when something’s uncool. No, no, no. Instead, they’ll say, “That’s so cringe.” Or more likely, they’ll type it as a comment on TikTok, because let’s face it, that’s where most conversations happen nowadays.

But you know what? One of the most incredible things about getting older is that you care less and less about what younger folks consider cringey.

Just take it from millennials, who have notoriously been on the receiving end of condemnation from every generation—be it the Gen Xers and baby boomers calling them entitled weaklings, or Gen Zers making fun of their side parts. Now Gen Y is all grown up, baby, and that means we don’t really care what anyone thinks! It also means that in our old age, certain beliefs are bound to just stick, even if they do become the next wave of “get off my lawn!”

Recently, millennials on Reddit were encouraged to “unite globally on these petty issues” by listing the silliest "cringe but correct" practices of their generation that were worth maintaining, no matter how often they’re ridiculed:

LOLS. They’re here to stay 😂

millennials, gen z, gen x, boomers, ask reddit, humor, generational humor, ask reddit LOLs are harmless! media1.giphy.com

“I will forever maintain that using ‘LOL’ for anything that is not actually funny is an essential form of emotional regulation. The LOL isn't a laugh; it's a silent scream. It means, ‘I acknowledge this, I'm slightly annoyed, but I am responding with a pleasant, non-threatening digital sigh.’ It is the most valuable punctuation mark we have, perfectly capturing nuanced, passive-aggressive resignation.”

Other millennials were inclined to agree…

“lol is the most dynamic word/acronym that we have added to humanity. Way underrated lol”

“Millennials use ‘lol’ the way they used to use ‘stop’ in telegrams lol”

So is the “Millennial Pause.”

“The Millennial Pause is functionally useful, since it allows the viewer to orient to the video before you start talking. Seriously, how many videos have you had pop up that start talking before your brain says ‘oh, this guy is saying something,’ and you miss the first sentence?”

Millennials are going to wholeheartedly like things, and you can’t stop them.

millennials, gen z, gen x, boomers, ask reddit, humor, generational humor, ask reddit Without enthusiasm, what are we even doing? media4.giphy.com

This might not be a millennial-specific thing, but rather a phenomenon that occurs as you get older and realize that the world is a vast and complex place, where you can almost always find a tribe of similarly impassioned people. Still, we’re claiming it.

“Unabashedly enjoying things and not being paralyzed by fear of being cringe.”

“My Z nieces try to bully me for enjoying things/being earnest, and it doesn’t work. I enjoy doing things I enjoy, and also say/emote what I am thinking/feeling without worrying about if I’m being cool or detached or ironic enough. I survived millennial middle school. You can pry my hard-won, unabashed sense of self from my cold, dead hands.”

“IT'S NICE TO LIKE THINGS! Seriously, surround yourself with people who won't judge you for authentically liking the things you like. Anyone else doesn't matter. They'll at some point. We all did.”

Not succumbing to fashion trends

millennials, gen z, gen x, boomers, ask reddit, humor, generational humor, ask reddit Side parts are synonymous with timelessness. media3.giphy.com

Keep your coquette looks and insert literally any word-core. We don’t need or want it.

“My side part stays.”

(Apparently, side parts are cool again anyway. Further reason to just stick to what feels right—it will become in vogue again eventually.)

“I’ve spent a lifetime cultivating a wardrobe of flannels, jeans, and boots, I ain’t changing now.”

“You can pry my ankle and no-show socks off my cold, dead feet; there's no way in hell I'm going to go rocking a crew-sock farmer's tan just because you dumbass kids insist on dressing like my grandpa going golfing.”

“Once Gen Z guys start discovering their leg hair awkwardly disappears at the exact height they pull their tube socks up to they'll have realized their mistake.”

“Flared leggings aren’t a thing. If they have a flare they aren’t leggings. Yoga pants they are yoga pants and will always be yoga pants.”

“I will never give up comfort camisoles. If I ever have only one layer on, I have been replaced by a pod person.”

Not everything has to be high tech…

millennials, gen z, gen x, boomers, ask reddit, humor, generational humor, ask reddit Unless we can get teleportation, we can maybe slow things down a bit. media3.giphy.com

“Stating your number when leaving a voicemail. Double points if you do it at the beginning and again at the end.”

“Big decisions and purchases are on big screens. Not my phone. How else am I going to open 50 different tabs for reviews and price comparisons?”

“Until one streaming service has every movie or show made and is readily available at all times, I will continue to collect and keep DVDs/Blu Rays of movies and shows I want to watch.”

“Not everything needs to be smart. I don’t need a smart windshield, smart glasses, a smart watch…I have a phone and a tv. That covers my needs.”

“The most useful tools ever created do not require an internet connection or a battery.”

“Paper menus are the correct way to order food when dining in. I am not scanning a QR code.”

…including cars

millennials, gen z, gen x, boomers, ask reddit, humor, generational humor, ask reddit Cars don't need to be computers. They can just be cars. media4.giphy.com

“Screens in cars are ugly give me knobs and buttons.”

“They also seem more dangerous! Like, I should be able to feel around. If I have to look then My eyes aren’t on the road!”

“Better yet, give me the same exact layout across all makes/models for things like headlights and wipers. Nothing gets me frazzled like not knowing how to turn on basic safety functions because I had to use our fleet vehicle at work, or borrow someone’s car.”

“Cars peaked in the mid 90s to mid 00s. Now they're all ginormous, look the same, everything is an SUV with too many screens and sensors and computers to cost a fortune when they break. Power windows were the most technology needed. We used to have fun colors, makers experimented with new and weird body styles. I miss seeing station wagons everywhere.”

On that note, IRL purchases > online

millennials, gen z, gen x, boomers, ask reddit, humor, generational humor, ask reddit Cher got it right. media1.giphy.com

“I refuse to buy everything online. Sometimes, you need the in-person store experience, so you can see how stuff actually looks and feels. I don't want a nice looking but scratchy af blanket or the painting that looked a different color online. I definitely don't want to wait weeks while I return it and get a refund to order another elsewhere and potentially have the same thing happen again. I just want to go to the store, buy it, and be done with it already.”

“Video rental stores are cool and good. Sure Netflix, Hulu, whatever HBO's service has been renamed to this week are more convenient but the simple joy of convincing my parents I needed to rent Richie Rich again is peak childhood.”

We WILL be using what we learned in grammar school. Unironically. Thanks so much.

millennials, gen z, gen x, boomers, ask reddit, humor, generational humor, ask reddit Oxford commas are accurate, true, and correct. media2.giphy.com

“I will murder anyone who comes for my Oxford comma.”

“Idc what the cool kids are doing these days I am using capital letters.”

We still believe in dancing like nobody’s watching

millennials, gen z, gen x, boomers, ask reddit, humor, generational humor, ask reddit If you don't wave your hands in the air, how will they know you don't care? media4.giphy.com

“I’m not doing that corny, lackadaisical, give them nothing dance that Gen Z does on TikTok to make themselves look like they are cool because they don’t care enough, I’m shaking my ass despite me never really learning how to. I don’t know why Gen Z is so scared of humiliation, but I’m glad that was never us.”

“I’m gonna put my hands in the air when I dance. Especially at a concert. Going to concerts where people’s hands are only in the air when they are holding their phones is crazy to me!!”

Finally, certain nostalgic bits of pop culture will have a forever home in our hearts

millennials, gen z, gen x, boomers, ask reddit, humor, generational humor, ask reddit Sailor Moon was THE icon of our generation. Period. media4.giphy.com

“The OG Sailor Moon intro had no business being that catchy. It hits different.”

“‘Appointment’ television was more fun. Getting a good cliffhanger and having a week to talk about it with your friends before the next episode and you didn't have to deal with some jackass who has no life and binged the whole thing on 2x speed the second it was released. Waiting until September, when all the new shows and seasons would premiere. Fewer weird multi-year delays between seasons.”

There you have it. Go forth, millennials, and be your cringiest, most unabashed selves. Because no matter what generation you hail from, you only live once. Or YOLO, as we like to say.

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Research reveals two kinds of high school popularity, which lead to opposite outcomes

Being one of the cool kids isn't a predictor of future success.

Photo credit: Canva

Does being popular really matter?

Even decades into adulthood, most of us still remember who the popular kids were in high school, at least by face if not by name. Something about adolescent social interactions really sticks with us, and popularity (or lack thereof) is one thing that stands out in a typical high school experience. However, our memories of the popular kids last a lot longer than their actual popularity does, especially if those kids were a particular kind of popular.

Mitch Prinstein, PhD, a clinical child and adolescent psychologist, professor of psychology and neuroscience, and the director of clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, explains that there are two kinds of popularity in his book, Popular: Finding Happiness and Success in a World That Cares Too Much About the Wrong Kinds of Relationships. According to his research, one type of popularity is a predictor of a long and fulfilling life, while the other is the opposite.

popularity, popular kids, cool kids, high school, likeability There's a difference between likeable popularity and status popularity.Photo credit: Canva

"Those who are popular can be two different groups," Prinstein shared with the Speaking of Psychology podcast. "You have some who are popular when they were young, and they would be the kind that we would call 'likable.' However, a different kind of popularity emerges in adolescents, which we refer to as 'status.' And those are very different types of popularity. Likeability is good, status is pretty bad."

"Likeable" popularity is found in people who have genuinely likeable traits. These traits make people want to spend time with them and trust them because they make people feel valued and included. "Status" popularity is found in people who are influential and powerful, but not necessarily well-liked. We can probably all name people from our high school days who fit each of those categories of popular, and perhaps some who overlap both. (The class president who also happens to be a really kind and caring person, for instance.)

Prinstein's analysis of the research indicates that people who are likeable popular are more likely to end up in a happy marriage with well-adjusted kids and a successful career, whereas high status popularity correlates to long-term problems with depression, anxiety, substance use, and relationship problems. In other words, the "cool" kids who dominate the social landscape with power and influence in high school often don't fare as well as the kids who are popular because people truly like them.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Those disparate outcomes may not come as a surprise, all things considered, but Prinstein says we're living at a time when status popularity matters farther into adulthood than it did before. Like the brains of other mammals, the adolescent human brain is predisposed to look toward status because, on an instinctual level, it can mean access to more resources or mating partners. We're biologically wired to desire status popularity when we're young.

"It used to be that we would stop caring about that kind of popularity when we graduated from high school," Prinstein told Speaking of Psychology. "That's not the way the world works anymore though…things have dramatically changed in the last 20 or 30 years in ways that now make us care about status more than we ever have before."

Prinstein shared that it seemed to start with 24-hour cable news shows, then spread to reality TV and social media. In the past, we didn't have ubiquitous access to the lives of celebrities, virality wasn't a thing, and there weren't "likes" at the click of a button to feed the idea of status popularity being important.

popularity, popular kids, cool kids, high school, likeability Social media has pushed status popularity last beyond high school.Photo credit: Canva

"I'm so worried about teens today because they've lived in a world where pursuing status with a mouse click or on your phone 24/7, that's become normal," said Prinstein. "And when I worked on the book I was shocked to find how many covers of magazines for both kids and for adults are really promoting the message that we should care about our likes, and our retweets and our followers and even kids are being encouraged to say things on social media that they explicitly don't believe because if it gets them more likes or followers then it's worth it. And if you think about the message that that's sending the kids, that status is more important than actual true connections with others or integrity, that's a really really scary message."

Considering the outcomes, focusing more on likeability than status can help us all live better, more fulfilling lives. How do we do that? One way is to think about what you find likeable in other people and try to develop those qualities in yourself. Become a better listener. Support people by being encouraging and celebrating their wins. Don't brag or complain too much. Be kind and courteous. Ensure that everyone feels welcome and included when you're in a group.

Popularity isn't the ultimate goal, of course, but being likable will help you throughout your life, whereas status is a never-ending ladder that ultimately leads to nowhere. So if you find yourself yearning to be popular, pick the kind of popular you actually value and place your energy and attention there.

You can listen to the entire Speaking of Psychology interview with Dr. Prinstein here.

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11 helpful services your Costco membership offers that you might be missing out on

From insurance to check books, Costco has so many perks.

Images via Canva/pixelfit, Leung Cho Pan

All the extra benefits and services you get with a Costco membership.

Costco is all about offering its members deals. The mega store offers two different memberships—Gold Star (which costs $65 per year) and Executive (which costs $130 per year).

"Members can stretch their savings even further with an Executive Membership," Kristen Markel, founder of Warehouse Wanderer, a blog dedicated to Costco shopping strategies, tells Upworthy. "That tier earns 2% back on nearly all purchases—including travel and car rentals—so you’re essentially stacking an additional rebate on top of Costco’s already discounted rates."

To help save extra money, Costco members shared on Reddit their favorite lesser-known perks that they get out of their membership. Here are 11 Costco services you may be missing out on:

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Car rentals

"When I need a car rental my first stop to check prices is always Costco Travel," Melissa Cid, consumer savings expert for MySavings.com, tells Upworthy. "Costco Travel consistently has some of the lowest rates on car rentals! Members get a free additional driver included, which normally adds $10 to $15 per day. That perk alone can save you more than the cost of your annual membership on a single trip."

Travel (hotels, cruises, vacation packages)

If you're looking to take a vacation in the future, check out Costco Travel for additional deals on hotels, cruises, and vacation packages.

"We used Costco Travel to book our Costa Rica vacation this Summer. I get overwhelmed planning those sometimes. They made it easy to do, and they gave us a $200 gift card when we returned!" one member shared.

Pet insurance

If you have a furry friend at home, look into pet insurance options.

"This perk can save pet owners hundreds of dollars a year on unexpected vet bills, while also giving them round-the-clock peace of mind," Tom Bean, VP of insurance services operations at Figo Pet Insurance, tells Upworthy.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Auto and home insurance

Insuring your car and home are additional perks that Costco provides its members, who may also be eligible to receive additional discounts and benefits, such a roadside assistance, home glass repair reimbursement, and more.

Prescriptions

"Costco’s pharmacy has very low prices on generic prescriptions, sometimes even cheaper than insurance copays, and the same applies to many pet medications," says Cid. "Even over-the-counter medicine cabinet staples like allergy pills are dramatically cheaper than at drugstores. I buy a bottle of Kirkland allergy medicine at Costco for 75% cheaper than generics at my grocery and drugstores."

Discounted gift cards

"Costco members can score $100 in gift cards for about $80, and the selection includes not only restaurants and Uber Eats but I've even bought discounted Disney gift cards before!" says Cid. "If you want an easy way to save 10-25% off at a store, restaurant or entertainment then definitely checkout the current Costco gift card offerings. The physical gift cards offered in-store are great for presents around the holidays. When shopping online, the e-gift cards are quick to order for yourself for immediate use!"

@aiyannace

I love a good Costco run🙂‍↔️ #costco #membership #security #samples

Checks

If you frequently write checks, you can order them through Costco rather than your bank.

"I've ordered check books for my mom. Like 75% savings vs ordering them through my bank," one member shared.

Home improvement

Need to get some repairs done on your home? Costco offers home improvement services.

"I got a heat pump system installed by a vendor and got a great price," one member shared. "I could run it through the executive card and get cash back. About 2 years later the compressor went out. It was from a bad install and the hvac company wanted to charge me a thousands to replace it. I escalated through the ranks of the hvac company to no avail. One call to Costco corporate to complain was all it took- the hvac company apologized and replaced it for free. I appreciated having the heft of Costco behind me to make them do the right thing."

Another added, "Replaced our garage doors through a preferred vendor. It was literally the exact same door we had quoted from another company, but cost was 25% lower not to mention all the rewards on top."

And another member shared, "I purchased a garage door and opener through them. Worked out well and got a 15% shop card."

Auto purchases and repairs

You can buy a brand new or used car through Costco's Auto Program, which also offers discounts on parts and repairs, including tires.

"I bought my car via Costco," one member explained. "Went into the dealership knowing what I wanted to pay and they basically offered exactly that. I showed up with my own financing and the entire process was super easy. Would absolutely do it again."

Hearing aids

Costco also has a Hearing Aid Center, where members can have their hearing tested and purchase hearing aids.

"Friend of mine was just telling me about his experience with them with their hearing aids - super great experience and cheaper too," one member wrote.

Vision testing, glasses, and contacts

Another perk Costco offers is Costco Optical, where members can have their vision tested and purchase glasses, sunglasses, and contact lenses.

"Just got TWO pairs of glasses w progressive lenses — one progressive lenses w all the coatings and one progressive polarized sunglasses (the exact tint I wanted) — in name brand frames for under $450!!!" one member shared.

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'Fear-setting': How a bestselling author conquers anxiety by writing down worst nightmares

To conquer fear, one must define it, entrepreneur Tim Ferriss says.

Credit: George Kao

Tim Ferriss is teaching a masterclass in achieving your goals.

What if I told you the secret to success isn't setting goals—but setting fears?

In a world obsessed with vision boards and goal-setting apps, bestselling author Tim Ferriss is dropping truth bombs that flip conventional wisdom on its head: "Defining your fears is more important than defining your goals."

What?

This simple shift in perspective helped Ferriss change his life—and countless others—to break free from paralysis and take the bold actions he'd been dreaming about for years.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Welcome to the life-changing practice of fear-setting—a monthly ritual that could be the missing piece in your personal development puzzle.

Why our fears keep us stuck (and how to turn them into fuel)

Picture this: You're lying in bed at 3 a.m., your mind racing about that "risky" career change you've been contemplating for years. The voice in your head whispers all the myriad ways it could go wrong—financial ruin, professional embarrassment, that meme of Marnie from Girls where she says, "Let's make fun of the girl who took a risk and put herself out there creatively." What if that were you?

Here's the funny thing about fear: it's a master manipulator. Fear warps our thinking, causing our brains to exaggerate potential disasters while overlooking the cost of staying stuck. Before long, we become prisoners of our own imagination, suffering more in our minds than we would in real life.

via GIPHY

But what would happen if we could flip the script? Instead of running from our fears, we could cut them open and realize that the monster we've been running from all this time was nothing more than a stack of clothes, piled up on a chair.

Enter Tim Ferriss' fear-setting exercise—a systematic approach to transforming paralyzing anxiety into empowering action.

The 7 questions that changed everything

Tim Ferriss is an all-American multi-hyphenate: he's an entrepreneur, author, podcaster, and one of the most influential figures in today's productivity and lifestyle design space. Wired called him "the Superman of Silicon Valley." His multi-faceted empire includes five #1 New York Times bestsellers, including The 4-Hour Workweek and Tools of Titans: The Tactics, Routines, and Habits of Billionaires, Icons, and World-Class Performers. Ferriss also hosts the eponymous The Tim Ferriss Show podcast, the first business/interview podcast to exceed 100 million downloads. (It has now exceeded one billion downloads, by the way.)


In short, this is a person who knows a thing or two about high achievement.

Tim Ferriss revealed that he dedicates up to half an hour each month to confronting his fears head-on through seven critical questions. It's a thorough and rational dissection of what scares him the most.

Question 1: What's your nightmare?

Define your nightmare. What is the absolute worst that could happen if you followed through with what you're considering?

Get specific. Avoid writing broad fears, such as "failure." Remember, this is an activity designed to let your brain go into full disaster mode: use your creativity and imagination.

For example, you want to start painting, even though you know nothing about it and are "too old" to begin a new hobby. But what would happen if you took a class or started going to museums more often? Seriously, what's the worst that could happen?

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People start pointing and staring at you, the most out-of-touch person ever to exist? Your teacher comes to look at your work and starts laughing uncontrollably? Write it all down in painful detail. Then Ferriss advises, rate the permanent impact scale on a scale of 1-10. You'll often discover that your worst-case scenarios aren't life-ruiners—or, not even likely to happen at all.

Then, ask yourself: Would it be the end of your life? Are these things really permanent? How likely would they actually happen?

Question 2: How could you repair the damage?

If the very worst were to happen, how could you rebuild, even temporarily? Could you get your money back from the art institution? Leave a scathing review on Yelp? Go into therapy for your troubles? Often, we discover that the road to recovery is more possible than we imagined.

Question 3: What are the benefits of trying?

Ask yourself, what are the outcomes or benefits, both temporary and permanent, of more likely scenarios?

Fear-setting turns into sunsetting. Let's change it up: even if you don't achieve complete success (ex., your art teacher tears up when reviewing your first painting project and suggests someone should hang it in the Louvre), what could you gain just from putting yourself out there? New skills, confidence, friends, experiences?

Now, rate these benefits on a scale of 1 to 10 as well. Compare these with the numbers you provided in question #1. Are you shelving your dreams, a potential 9 (!), just because of an unrealistic fear that you rated a 3?

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Question 4: What if you were starting over today?

If you were fired from your job today, what would you do to get things under financial control?

Imagine this scenario and run through questions 1-3 above. If you quit your job to test other opportunities, how could you later get back on the same career track if you absolutely had to?

This question isn't fear-mongering (remember, this is fear-setting.) It builds resilience by reminding you of your resourcefulness. Could you freelance? Take a part-time job? Sell possessions? You're more capable of handling setbacks than you think.

Question 5: What are you putting off out of fear?

"Usually, what we most fear doing is what we most need to do," Ferriss rationalizes. "A person's success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have."

That phone call. A difficult conversation. That creative project. Fear of the unknown often prevents us from taking the very actions that could transform our lives. Define the worst-case scenario, accept it: then do it. Promise yourself to do one thing every single day that you fear.

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Question 6: What's the cost of doing nothing?

What is it costing you—financially, emotionally, and physically—to postpone action?

This may be the most crucial question of all, says Ferriss. If you don't pursue what excites you, where will you be in one year? Five years? Ten years? Inaction is the most significant risk of all.

Question 7: Well, what are you waiting for?

"If you cannot answer this without resorting to the concept of "good timing," the answer is simple: You're afraid, just like the rest of the world," writes Ferriss.

In that case, it's time to start again: Measure the cost of inaction. Realize the unlikelihood and repairability of most missteps. Develop the most critical action of those who excel and enjoy doing so: action.

man, journaling, success, fear, setting Fear-setting once a month can change your life. Photo credit: Canva

The psychology behind why fear-setting works

Fear-setting is rooted in Stoic philosophy, specifically, the practice of premeditatio malorum: deliberately imagining potential hardships to reduce their psychological impact. Modern psychology confirms what the Stoics knew all along: when we define our fears with specificity, they lose their power over us.

Here's why this approach is so practical:

It manages catastrophic thinking. Vague fears can feel like an ocean: overwhelming and impenetrable. However, specific fears are manageable.

It reveals our hidden resilience. Most people underestimate their ability to recover from setbacks.

It exposes the actual cost of inaction. No one likes losing or embarrassing themselves, but fear is a funny thing: we often ignore the losses that come from not acting.

Your action plan: 30 minutes that could change your life

"I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened." —Mark Twain.

Ready to try fear-setting yourself? Set aside 30 minutes this week. Grab a notebook and work through the seven questions above. Push yourself to be brutally honest: this exercise only works if you're willing to confront your fears directly.

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Tim Ferriss has used this exact process to make significant decisions in his life. And remember that lengthy paragraph earlier? Things turned out pretty well for him.

So, what do you have to lose? Apparently, the answer is "quite a lot." Track down your favorite pen and get to fear-setting. Your future self thanks you.

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