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Gen Xer asking about Boomers' 'emotional immaturity' taps a multi-generational parenting issue

“If we don’t ASK about it or TALK about it, the problem doesn’t exist!”

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People discuss what it's like growing up with emotionally immature parents.

Parenting styles change every generation. Gen X parents didn't have technology (i.e. Google) to rely on to raise their kids, while Millennial parents today are all about gentle parenting. While Boomers have come under fire for being absent parents and grandparents, a common gripe that people have about their parents from all generations is their lack of emotional maturity.

In a Reddit forum of Gen Xers, member @Architecturegirl opened the discussion about emotionally immature parents. She explains that after reading a book on adult children of emotionally immature parents, she noted that while many Boomer parents have been accused of being emotionally immature--it really had nothing to do with their generation. "I had never really thought of emotional immaturity - like an inability to admit mistakes or preferring mind-numbing, polite conversation to meaningful connection - might be a generational issue," she wrote.

Rather, being raised by emotionally immature parents is a common multi-generational parenting issue--and many people have opened up about what the realities of being raised by emotionally immature parents looked like. Plus, they shared how they are finding healing. These are their most relatable stories.

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Stories

"In my house, the solution to any emotion-related problem (bullying, divorce, feeling disappointed, the fact that they sold my puppy during my birthday party so I 'wouldn’t notice,' and any/all lesser difficulties) was: 'if we don’t ASK about it or TALK about it, the problem doesn’t exist!' If got too big to be unnoticeable, the advice was something like, 'just ignore it,' and/or 'everything will be fine.' Or, the BLANK STARE: ie. 'I do not want to hear about this…we don’t talk about THAT…quit bothering me.'" —@Architecturegirl

"I had cancer and my mother told me she couldn’t talk about it because it was her biggest fear. Bugger my fears (I survived obviously and have been in remission for 25 years). Anything serious in my life she’ll just walk away as I’m talking or give a little laugh like she’s pretending to listen but has no idea of how wrong her reaction is to what I’m saying. It’s taken me 53 years but I’ve finally given up discussing anything of importance to me with her. They’re such a damaged (and damaging) generation." —@PuzzleheadedCat9986

"Among my friends and I who are Gen X it is a perfect 50-50 split between parents having emotional intelligence and those that don't. Two anecdotes: My wife's mother will still not say 'period' or 'sex.' They were 'the thing' (raised eyebrow) and the other thing (said in a disgusted tone). That was the sum total of the support my wife got. A friend grew up with a step father his whole childhood (bio father left right after birth). Step Dad was always detached and disinterested, and always drinking. Not violent, but not interested. When we were college age, his step dad got sober and realized what he had missed. Apologized and grew. Really made the effort to the point that in his late twenties my friend agreed to be officially adopted and changed his last name. Step dad is currently the most supportive and most present grandad of our group of friends." —@Mourning_Walk

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"My mother and the silent treatment are like 🤞🏽🤞🏽🤞🏽🤞🏽. I don’t think that woman has ever once used her words to express displeasure or disappointment, just a lot of huffing, puffing, slamming cabinets, eye rolls and going days without speaking. Her record was once 17 whole days! It was the most peaceful 17 days of my teenage life 😂." —@ThickConfusion1318

"My mom can’t take criticism. Like at all. If I say, 'Hey, you said/did this thing that really hurt me.' Her response is usually either to blame me and point out something completely unrelated that I did as a 'See? You’re not perfect either!', make excuses 'I meant something totally different than what I said, so it’s fine.', act like I’m completely overreacting 'You’re so over dramatic! You’re always upset over everything and I have to walk on eggshells!' Or to just get angry and start berating me for daring to bring it up to begin with. So it pretty much puts me in a position where I can’t talk to her about anything at all wrong in our relationship because she’s immediately going to take it as an attack and get defensive no matter how gently I word it. She always ends up upset and nothing is solved. So the best I can do is put distance and space between us to protect myself. And she keeps wondering why I never call or visit anymore." —@barb4290

"I am pretty sure that as a generation, millennials suffered from emotional neglect from our parents. For me it was just as simple as my parents being unable to show any type of affection and would avoid/refuses certain topics of conversations. my mom was pretty dismissive and acted as it was an annoyance for her when I got my first period. She acted similarly as I hit several milestone growing up and it just never felt safe to talk to her about anything. Also, my dad would throw tantrums whenever he would not get his way, then blame my mom." —@therdre

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"Growing up, my mother was not able to compartmentalize her stress from her job as a public school teacher. Would take it out on me for not eating peas or something at dinner, and I'd end up being yelled at by dad because he'd always take her side. Didn't understand until I got older, and they're still together, but at the time I was like wtf you see this, its crazy." —@SeenNotScene

Healing Solutions

"'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' by Lindsay Gibson is the GenX guidebook to dealing with all of our trauma spilling out at midlife. This book / concept comes up often in this subreddit. Personally it helped me a lot." —@ND_Poet

"One thing I needed to come to terms with is that I cannot control my mother’s actions or feelings. Period. It was not my responsibility to do that. It was her responsibility to manage those things. It had been hers for a very long time, since way before ny sisters and I were even a thought. Once I understood that - not only on an intellectual level but an actual felt level, it became easier to make choices for my own well being. Boundaries. As others have said." —@Stop_Already

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"Here's what I have determined after raising kids to young adulthood. My parents did the best they could with the hand they were dealt. They did better than their own parents." —@Reader47b

"Finally, at age 48, I stepped away from their table, that I kept trying to sit at. I was trying to rescue them. Finally realized, I can't. They make the same amount of noise whether I am safe on shore, or jump in to the deep end and drown trying to rescue. Same amount of noise. And it does zero good. Put yourself first. Then your spouse and any kiddos next. That's it. It's ok to go low or no contact. It sort of hasn't mattered in my situation. And it's ok to grieve that you didn't have the parents you needed, and if you have kids, they won't have the grandparents they needed either. But you can be your parent (reparent yourself), and be the best damn grandparent if that is where you get to be. Break the cycle. You are worth it." —@redtail_rising

"One thing that helps me is to remember that it's not her fault she's like that (her parents were abusive - I don't think her emotionally capabilities developed normally). And keep my distance if she's upset about something. I am not her therapist, she cannot make me be her therapist, and I cannot convince her to go to therapy. Her mental health is not my problem." —@WhiskerWarrior2435

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"The book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' by Paul Mason and Randi Krieger is geared toward coping with family who have BPD, but it is a good overall guide on how to set boundaries and protect yourself against toxic/dysfunctional family, regardless of underlying pathology. Highly recommend. It allowed me to finally have a relationship with my mother that didn't leave me a mess after every conversation." —@UserUnknown

"I set hard boundaries and distanced myself from them as early as possible. I accepted that I was not responsible for their feelings or the outcomes of their decisions. I stopped trying to help/correct them because they didn't want to hear it and it just created friction/tension. I just came to accept that my parents didn't want to change/learn and that was a core aspect of who they were. And, even if they did want to, they didn't want to do so as a result of interactions with me because they were accustomed to a power dynamic in which I was subordinate to them and my being an adult wasn't going to cause them to forfeit any of that power." —@DerHoggenCatten

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Gen X mom reenacts 'coming home from school in the 80s' and it couldn't be more perfect

"This is why we turned out self sufficient, independent and successful."

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If you lived through an 80s childhood, this will send you back.

Generation X, made up of those born between 1965 and 1980, has many claims-to-fame in their younger years game. Gen X brought the world Prince and Kurt Cobain. We were The Goonies and The Breakfast Club. We took down the Berlin Wall while watching MTV.

But perhaps the most iconic thing about Gen X is our semi-feral childhoods of benign neglect. The standards of parenting and child rearing have shifted a lot in the past 40 to 50 years, as has the technological landscape that kids grow up in, so naturally, today's kids won't have the same childhoods previous generations had. But there's something particularly nostalgic about being a child of the 80s for those who lived it.


One mom nailed the experience with a video reenactment of what it was like to come home from school in the 80s.

Elizabeth Stevens (@BennettPeach on YouTube) arrives at the front door in her backpack, then pulls out a house key on a string around her neck. (Ah, the "latchkey kid" era when children were expected to come home to an empty house and let themselves in.)

Then she goes into the kitchen in her Care Bears t-shirt and finds a handwritten note—in cursive, of course—on the back of an envelope. "Working late—make your own dinner, watch your brother and the dishes better be done when I get home from bowling. – Mom"

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That's right. Mom wasn't just working late, she was also going bowling while her kids were home caring for themselves.

Then we see her washing the dishes despite barely being able to reach the faucet, even with a stool, and then her making a Gen X staple—the cinnamon-sugar and butter sandwich. On white bread, of course.

In just one minute, Stevens managed to capture the essence of so many Gen X memories, as commenters shared:

"The mom notes on an unopened bill is memories."

"Nailed it! The best thing about growing up in the '70s/'80's was being ALLOWED to grow up."

"Why this video made me almost cry?? How quiet it is inside the home. Lovely."

80s childhood, 80s, 80s nostalgia, gen x, latchkey kids, gen x nostalgia, generational differences, generational humor Wash the dishes before I get home from bowling! Photo by CDC on Unsplash

"Facts!!! No babysitter, go in the house, read the note, do the chores n not let anybody in!!!! I remember the homemade the 'cinnamon bun.'"

"70s and 80s … latch key kid here elementary, junior high and high school. we turned out self sufficient, independent and successful."

"Just so frickin on point!!! All of it from the clothes to the key on the necklace to the note. Even what you chose to do for a snack. Too good!!! The windbreaker that's memories. It's all coming back to me now lol thank you for this. You have brought a huge grin to both me and my inner child."

80s childhood, 80s, 80s nostalgia, gen x, latchkey kids, gen x nostalgia, generational differences, generational humor music video 80s GIF Giphy

"I was met with a note everyday, too. On the back of an envelope, my daily chores would be listed. If I was in trouble, I would cry as soon as I saw the note....lolol Love you momma. How I wished I could have saved those notes! They were historical treasures."

Tons of people gushed over the nostalgia of remembering those "good old days" when they were given both freedom and responsibility, with many saying kids today have no idea. One thing that might surprise the younger generations was how young the theoretical kid in this video could have been. We're not talking about young teens here—kids as young as 5 or 6 could be latchkey kids, and kids any older than that were often given responsibility for looking after younger siblings. Even official babysitting jobs could start around age 11, or sometimes even younger.

Gen X kids had learned to take care of themselves early on, which has its pros and cons. The rose-colored glasses many Gen X adults view their childhoods through can sometimes cloud the parts that were not so great about growing up in the 70s and 80s. Sure, that benign neglect resulted in resilience and independence, but for some that came at the cost of parental relationships and a sense of safety and security. We have more knowledge now about things like mental health support, parent-child attachment, and healthy relationship dynamics, and some of that learning is reflected in shifting parenting practices.

As often happens, the pendulum may have swung too far from the absent parents of the 70s and 80s to the helicopter parents of the 90s and 2000s, of course, and the "right" approach (if there is one) probably lies somewhere in the middle. But it is still fun to look back on those iconic childhood experiences with joy and humor and appreciate that they helped us become who we are today.

This article originally appeared in April. It has been updated.

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11 helpful services your Costco membership offers that you might be missing out on

From insurance to check books, Costco has so many perks.

Images via Canva/pixelfit, Leung Cho Pan

All the extra benefits and services you get with a Costco membership.

Costco is all about offering its members deals. The mega store offers two different memberships—Gold Star (which costs $65 per year) and Executive (which costs $130 per year).

"Members can stretch their savings even further with an Executive Membership," Kristen Markel, founder of Warehouse Wanderer, a blog dedicated to Costco shopping strategies, tells Upworthy. "That tier earns 2% back on nearly all purchases—including travel and car rentals—so you’re essentially stacking an additional rebate on top of Costco’s already discounted rates."

To help save extra money, Costco members shared on Reddit their favorite lesser-known perks that they get out of their membership. Here are 11 Costco services you may be missing out on:

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Car rentals

"When I need a car rental my first stop to check prices is always Costco Travel," Melissa Cid, consumer savings expert for MySavings.com, tells Upworthy. "Costco Travel consistently has some of the lowest rates on car rentals! Members get a free additional driver included, which normally adds $10 to $15 per day. That perk alone can save you more than the cost of your annual membership on a single trip."

Travel (hotels, cruises, vacation packages)

If you're looking to take a vacation in the future, check out Costco Travel for additional deals on hotels, cruises, and vacation packages.

"We used Costco Travel to book our Costa Rica vacation this Summer. I get overwhelmed planning those sometimes. They made it easy to do, and they gave us a $200 gift card when we returned!" one member shared.

Pet insurance

If you have a furry friend at home, look into pet insurance options.

"This perk can save pet owners hundreds of dollars a year on unexpected vet bills, while also giving them round-the-clock peace of mind," Tom Bean, VP of insurance services operations at Figo Pet Insurance, tells Upworthy.

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Auto and home insurance

Insuring your car and home are additional perks that Costco provides its members, who may also be eligible to receive additional discounts and benefits, such a roadside assistance, home glass repair reimbursement, and more.

Prescriptions

"Costco’s pharmacy has very low prices on generic prescriptions, sometimes even cheaper than insurance copays, and the same applies to many pet medications," says Cid. "Even over-the-counter medicine cabinet staples like allergy pills are dramatically cheaper than at drugstores. I buy a bottle of Kirkland allergy medicine at Costco for 75% cheaper than generics at my grocery and drugstores."

Discounted gift cards

"Costco members can score $100 in gift cards for about $80, and the selection includes not only restaurants and Uber Eats but I've even bought discounted Disney gift cards before!" says Cid. "If you want an easy way to save 10-25% off at a store, restaurant or entertainment then definitely checkout the current Costco gift card offerings. The physical gift cards offered in-store are great for presents around the holidays. When shopping online, the e-gift cards are quick to order for yourself for immediate use!"

@aiyannace

I love a good Costco run🙂‍↔️ #costco #membership #security #samples

Checks

If you frequently write checks, you can order them through Costco rather than your bank.

"I've ordered check books for my mom. Like 75% savings vs ordering them through my bank," one member shared.

Home improvement

Need to get some repairs done on your home? Costco offers home improvement services.

"I got a heat pump system installed by a vendor and got a great price," one member shared. "I could run it through the executive card and get cash back. About 2 years later the compressor went out. It was from a bad install and the hvac company wanted to charge me a thousands to replace it. I escalated through the ranks of the hvac company to no avail. One call to Costco corporate to complain was all it took- the hvac company apologized and replaced it for free. I appreciated having the heft of Costco behind me to make them do the right thing."

Another added, "Replaced our garage doors through a preferred vendor. It was literally the exact same door we had quoted from another company, but cost was 25% lower not to mention all the rewards on top."

And another member shared, "I purchased a garage door and opener through them. Worked out well and got a 15% shop card."

Auto purchases and repairs

You can buy a brand new or used car through Costco's Auto Program, which also offers discounts on parts and repairs, including tires.

"I bought my car via Costco," one member explained. "Went into the dealership knowing what I wanted to pay and they basically offered exactly that. I showed up with my own financing and the entire process was super easy. Would absolutely do it again."

Hearing aids

Costco also has a Hearing Aid Center, where members can have their hearing tested and purchase hearing aids.

"Friend of mine was just telling me about his experience with them with their hearing aids - super great experience and cheaper too," one member wrote.

Vision testing, glasses, and contacts

Another perk Costco offers is Costco Optical, where members can have their vision tested and purchase glasses, sunglasses, and contact lenses.

"Just got TWO pairs of glasses w progressive lenses — one progressive lenses w all the coatings and one progressive polarized sunglasses (the exact tint I wanted) — in name brand frames for under $450!!!" one member shared.

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Research reveals two kinds of high school popularity, which lead to opposite outcomes

Being one of the cool kids isn't a predictor of future success.

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Does being popular really matter?

Even decades into adulthood, most of us still remember who the popular kids were in high school, at least by face if not by name. Something about adolescent social interactions really sticks with us, and popularity (or lack thereof) is one thing that stands out in a typical high school experience. However, our memories of the popular kids last a lot longer than their actual popularity does, especially if those kids were a particular kind of popular.

Mitch Prinstein, PhD, a clinical child and adolescent psychologist, professor of psychology and neuroscience, and the director of clinical psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, explains that there are two kinds of popularity in his book, Popular: Finding Happiness and Success in a World That Cares Too Much About the Wrong Kinds of Relationships. According to his research, one type of popularity is a predictor of a long and fulfilling life, while the other is the opposite.

popularity, popular kids, cool kids, high school, likeability There's a difference between likeable popularity and status popularity.Photo credit: Canva

"Those who are popular can be two different groups," Prinstein shared with the Speaking of Psychology podcast. "You have some who are popular when they were young, and they would be the kind that we would call 'likable.' However, a different kind of popularity emerges in adolescents, which we refer to as 'status.' And those are very different types of popularity. Likeability is good, status is pretty bad."

"Likeable" popularity is found in people who have genuinely likeable traits. These traits make people want to spend time with them and trust them because they make people feel valued and included. "Status" popularity is found in people who are influential and powerful, but not necessarily well-liked. We can probably all name people from our high school days who fit each of those categories of popular, and perhaps some who overlap both. (The class president who also happens to be a really kind and caring person, for instance.)

Prinstein's analysis of the research indicates that people who are likeable popular are more likely to end up in a happy marriage with well-adjusted kids and a successful career, whereas high status popularity correlates to long-term problems with depression, anxiety, substance use, and relationship problems. In other words, the "cool" kids who dominate the social landscape with power and influence in high school often don't fare as well as the kids who are popular because people truly like them.

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Those disparate outcomes may not come as a surprise, all things considered, but Prinstein says we're living at a time when status popularity matters farther into adulthood than it did before. Like the brains of other mammals, the adolescent human brain is predisposed to look toward status because, on an instinctual level, it can mean access to more resources or mating partners. We're biologically wired to desire status popularity when we're young.

"It used to be that we would stop caring about that kind of popularity when we graduated from high school," Prinstein told Speaking of Psychology. "That's not the way the world works anymore though…things have dramatically changed in the last 20 or 30 years in ways that now make us care about status more than we ever have before."

Prinstein shared that it seemed to start with 24-hour cable news shows, then spread to reality TV and social media. In the past, we didn't have ubiquitous access to the lives of celebrities, virality wasn't a thing, and there weren't "likes" at the click of a button to feed the idea of status popularity being important.

popularity, popular kids, cool kids, high school, likeability Social media has pushed status popularity last beyond high school.Photo credit: Canva

"I'm so worried about teens today because they've lived in a world where pursuing status with a mouse click or on your phone 24/7, that's become normal," said Prinstein. "And when I worked on the book I was shocked to find how many covers of magazines for both kids and for adults are really promoting the message that we should care about our likes, and our retweets and our followers and even kids are being encouraged to say things on social media that they explicitly don't believe because if it gets them more likes or followers then it's worth it. And if you think about the message that that's sending the kids, that status is more important than actual true connections with others or integrity, that's a really really scary message."

Considering the outcomes, focusing more on likeability than status can help us all live better, more fulfilling lives. How do we do that? One way is to think about what you find likeable in other people and try to develop those qualities in yourself. Become a better listener. Support people by being encouraging and celebrating their wins. Don't brag or complain too much. Be kind and courteous. Ensure that everyone feels welcome and included when you're in a group.

Popularity isn't the ultimate goal, of course, but being likable will help you throughout your life, whereas status is a never-ending ladder that ultimately leads to nowhere. So if you find yourself yearning to be popular, pick the kind of popular you actually value and place your energy and attention there.

You can listen to the entire Speaking of Psychology interview with Dr. Prinstein here.

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'Fear-setting': How a bestselling author conquers anxiety by writing down worst nightmares

To conquer fear, one must define it, entrepreneur Tim Ferriss says.

Credit: George Kao

Tim Ferriss is teaching a masterclass in achieving your goals.

What if I told you the secret to success isn't setting goals—but setting fears?

In a world obsessed with vision boards and goal-setting apps, bestselling author Tim Ferriss is dropping truth bombs that flip conventional wisdom on its head: "Defining your fears is more important than defining your goals."

What?

This simple shift in perspective helped Ferriss change his life—and countless others—to break free from paralysis and take the bold actions he'd been dreaming about for years.

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Welcome to the life-changing practice of fear-setting—a monthly ritual that could be the missing piece in your personal development puzzle.

Why our fears keep us stuck (and how to turn them into fuel)

Picture this: You're lying in bed at 3 a.m., your mind racing about that "risky" career change you've been contemplating for years. The voice in your head whispers all the myriad ways it could go wrong—financial ruin, professional embarrassment, that meme of Marnie from Girls where she says, "Let's make fun of the girl who took a risk and put herself out there creatively." What if that were you?

Here's the funny thing about fear: it's a master manipulator. Fear warps our thinking, causing our brains to exaggerate potential disasters while overlooking the cost of staying stuck. Before long, we become prisoners of our own imagination, suffering more in our minds than we would in real life.

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But what would happen if we could flip the script? Instead of running from our fears, we could cut them open and realize that the monster we've been running from all this time was nothing more than a stack of clothes, piled up on a chair.

Enter Tim Ferriss' fear-setting exercise—a systematic approach to transforming paralyzing anxiety into empowering action.

The 7 questions that changed everything

Tim Ferriss is an all-American multi-hyphenate: he's an entrepreneur, author, podcaster, and one of the most influential figures in today's productivity and lifestyle design space. Wired called him "the Superman of Silicon Valley." His multi-faceted empire includes five #1 New York Times bestsellers, including The 4-Hour Workweek and Tools of Titans: The Tactics, Routines, and Habits of Billionaires, Icons, and World-Class Performers. Ferriss also hosts the eponymous The Tim Ferriss Show podcast, the first business/interview podcast to exceed 100 million downloads. (It has now exceeded one billion downloads, by the way.)


In short, this is a person who knows a thing or two about high achievement.

Tim Ferriss revealed that he dedicates up to half an hour each month to confronting his fears head-on through seven critical questions. It's a thorough and rational dissection of what scares him the most.

Question 1: What's your nightmare?

Define your nightmare. What is the absolute worst that could happen if you followed through with what you're considering?

Get specific. Avoid writing broad fears, such as "failure." Remember, this is an activity designed to let your brain go into full disaster mode: use your creativity and imagination.

For example, you want to start painting, even though you know nothing about it and are "too old" to begin a new hobby. But what would happen if you took a class or started going to museums more often? Seriously, what's the worst that could happen?

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People start pointing and staring at you, the most out-of-touch person ever to exist? Your teacher comes to look at your work and starts laughing uncontrollably? Write it all down in painful detail. Then Ferriss advises, rate the permanent impact scale on a scale of 1-10. You'll often discover that your worst-case scenarios aren't life-ruiners—or, not even likely to happen at all.

Then, ask yourself: Would it be the end of your life? Are these things really permanent? How likely would they actually happen?

Question 2: How could you repair the damage?

If the very worst were to happen, how could you rebuild, even temporarily? Could you get your money back from the art institution? Leave a scathing review on Yelp? Go into therapy for your troubles? Often, we discover that the road to recovery is more possible than we imagined.

Question 3: What are the benefits of trying?

Ask yourself, what are the outcomes or benefits, both temporary and permanent, of more likely scenarios?

Fear-setting turns into sunsetting. Let's change it up: even if you don't achieve complete success (ex., your art teacher tears up when reviewing your first painting project and suggests someone should hang it in the Louvre), what could you gain just from putting yourself out there? New skills, confidence, friends, experiences?

Now, rate these benefits on a scale of 1 to 10 as well. Compare these with the numbers you provided in question #1. Are you shelving your dreams, a potential 9 (!), just because of an unrealistic fear that you rated a 3?

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Question 4: What if you were starting over today?

If you were fired from your job today, what would you do to get things under financial control?

Imagine this scenario and run through questions 1-3 above. If you quit your job to test other opportunities, how could you later get back on the same career track if you absolutely had to?

This question isn't fear-mongering (remember, this is fear-setting.) It builds resilience by reminding you of your resourcefulness. Could you freelance? Take a part-time job? Sell possessions? You're more capable of handling setbacks than you think.

Question 5: What are you putting off out of fear?

"Usually, what we most fear doing is what we most need to do," Ferriss rationalizes. "A person's success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have."

That phone call. A difficult conversation. That creative project. Fear of the unknown often prevents us from taking the very actions that could transform our lives. Define the worst-case scenario, accept it: then do it. Promise yourself to do one thing every single day that you fear.

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Question 6: What's the cost of doing nothing?

What is it costing you—financially, emotionally, and physically—to postpone action?

This may be the most crucial question of all, says Ferriss. If you don't pursue what excites you, where will you be in one year? Five years? Ten years? Inaction is the most significant risk of all.

Question 7: Well, what are you waiting for?

"If you cannot answer this without resorting to the concept of "good timing," the answer is simple: You're afraid, just like the rest of the world," writes Ferriss.

In that case, it's time to start again: Measure the cost of inaction. Realize the unlikelihood and repairability of most missteps. Develop the most critical action of those who excel and enjoy doing so: action.

man, journaling, success, fear, setting Fear-setting once a month can change your life. Photo credit: Canva

The psychology behind why fear-setting works

Fear-setting is rooted in Stoic philosophy, specifically, the practice of premeditatio malorum: deliberately imagining potential hardships to reduce their psychological impact. Modern psychology confirms what the Stoics knew all along: when we define our fears with specificity, they lose their power over us.

Here's why this approach is so practical:

It manages catastrophic thinking. Vague fears can feel like an ocean: overwhelming and impenetrable. However, specific fears are manageable.

It reveals our hidden resilience. Most people underestimate their ability to recover from setbacks.

It exposes the actual cost of inaction. No one likes losing or embarrassing themselves, but fear is a funny thing: we often ignore the losses that come from not acting.

Your action plan: 30 minutes that could change your life

"I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened." —Mark Twain.

Ready to try fear-setting yourself? Set aside 30 minutes this week. Grab a notebook and work through the seven questions above. Push yourself to be brutally honest: this exercise only works if you're willing to confront your fears directly.

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Tim Ferriss has used this exact process to make significant decisions in his life. And remember that lengthy paragraph earlier? Things turned out pretty well for him.

So, what do you have to lose? Apparently, the answer is "quite a lot." Track down your favorite pen and get to fear-setting. Your future self thanks you.

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Doctor's unique '4-7-8' relaxation technique could help you fall asleep on-demand

It works much better than staring at the clock.

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The 4-7-8 technique can help you fall asleep.

Here's a rhetorical, but important question: Are you having a hard time falling asleep? If so, you're not the only one. Falling and staying asleep typically becomes more difficult as adults get older. We spend less time in deep sleep and REM sleep, and we struggle to fight off our worries and anxieties while lying in silence. Did you know there's actually a name for the phenomenon where you keep yourself awake by lying there and wondering why you're still awake? It's called "spectatoring" and it's incredibly frustrating.

Worse yet, the older we get the more likely we are to wake in the night and have trouble falling back asleep. This is why more and more Americans are turning to white noise, melatonin, meditation apps, special pillows, and anything they think can help them get most rest.

Fortunately, a doctor has shared the “most powerful” relaxation technique he knows, and it doesn’t require any equipment or cost a dime.


sleep, dr. andrew weil, fall asleep fast, relaxation techniques, breathing techniques, calm, anxiety, science, meditation Ever stare at the clock and repeatedly wonder why you can't fall asleep? It's called "spectatoring." Photo by Mpho Mojapelo on Unsplash

Dr. Andrew Weil has dubbed it the 4-7-8 method and it’s backed up by science.

Dr. Weil is an expert in integrative medicine and the founder and director of the Andrew Weil Center for Integrative Medicine at the University of Arizona.

The technique is simple:

  1. Breathe in through your nose while you count to 4.
  2. Hold your breath while you count to 7.
  3. Exhale while you count to 8.

It's a unique protocol, especially when compared to another popular technique like Box Breathing. Box Breathing calls for an inhale, hold, exhale, and another hold of equal time (4 seconds). The extended exhale, in particular, is what makes Dr. Weil's 4-7-8 so original.

Here's Dr. Weil explaining his method:

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Dr. Weil says the method creates a "very pleasant, altered state of consciousness" that you may not experience the first time but will come as a "reward" of regular practice. Dr. Weil insists that the 4-7-8 technique is a practice, and you must do four breath cycles at least twice a day to get the benefits. "After a month, you can increase to 8 breath cycles if you're comfortable with it," adding that's the "absolute maximum."

Dr. Weil says that 4 to 6 weeks of doing the practice can lower heart rate, improve blood pressure, digestion and circulation and can promote sleep. A study published in Physiological Reports agrees, saying that practicing the 4-7-8 technique reduces heart rate and blood pressure for several minutes. It's important to note, though, that research is limited on the longterm benefits of 4-7-8 and experts urge us not to overhype it as more than it is.

4-7-8 is also an easy, fast, and effective way to help you fall asleep.


sleep, dr. andrew weil, fall asleep fast, relaxation techniques, breathing techniques, calm, anxiety, science, meditation Deep, intentional breathing may jumpstart melatonin production, helping us sleep. Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash

"If you get up in the middle of the night for any reason, it is the most effective anti-anxiety technique that I've found,” Dr. Weil says.

Deep breathing, interestingly enough, has been shown to increase melatonin production in our bodies; that's the hormone that signals to our body that it's time to sleep. Combined with its ability to calm our mind and body, it's no wonder that intentional breathing exercises can put us to sleep in no time.

Why does deep breathing help us calm down and relax so effectively? There are a few reasons. First, when we're stressed or anxious, our breathing naturally becomes more shallow and irregular. Breaking that anxious breath pattern signals to our body that things are OK, that we're in control. Counting and being mindful of our breath also gives our mind something neutral to focus on instead of the usual chaotic images, intrusive thoughts, or worries. Third, deep breath settles down the part of our nervous system that controls our "fight-or-flight" response — and helps with elevated heart rate and muscle tension.

Remember again that 4-7-8 breathing is a practice. It can be used situationally to great effect, but for the best benefits its founder urges you to try it every single day for a cycle of 2-8 cycles.

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

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