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People are sharing quotes from their favorite comedians. These 23 are pure gold.

"I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long."

via Bonnie/Wikimedia Commons, Alan Gastelum/Wikimedia Commons, Underbelly Limited/Wikimedia Commons

Comedians George Carlin, Jim Gaffigan and Joan Rivers

Laughter really is the best medicine, and there are a lot of ways to get your daily dose. You can rewatch an old funny movie that's been proven to get the job done, listen to a hilarious podcast, or goof around with friends. Maybe the most efficient way to really get yourself rolling, though, is to take in some stand-up comedy.

And while it feels like the true heyday of stand-up is over — the days of George Carlin and Richard Pryror — the truth is that stand-up is more popular than ever. That's thanks, in part, to Netflix, which drives millions of viewers to featured comedy acts, who then go on to sell out huge theaters for their shows.

Comedy is powerful, necessary, and relevant. In fact, Oscar Wilde once said, "If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you."

A Reddit user recently posed a great question on the AskReddit subforum: “What is a quote from a comedian you'll never forget?”

The post quickly went viral, receiving over 10,700 responses on the first day. Of the countless comedians mentioned in the thread, Norm Macdonald appears to be the most quotable.

Sadly, Macdonald died of cancer in 2021, but he was famous for his outlandish musings, delivered in a dry, deliberate tone. Macdonald is best known as a stand-up comedian, but he was also memorable on television as a cast member on "Saturday Night Live" from 1993 to 1997 and on his sitcom, “The Norm Show.” Two other deceased funnymen were often quoted in the discussion, Mitch Hedberg and George Carlin.

Hedberg’s comedy was based on short, memorable one-liners filled with absurdity. He passed away in 2005 from a drug overdose. George Carlin is often listed among the greatest stand-up comedians of all time and was a voice of the counterculture in the ‘60s and ‘70s. Later in life, his comedy evolved into a nihilistic criticism of American life that, for many, is still relevant today.

“It's called 'the American Dream' 'cause you have to be asleep to believe it,” Carlin said.

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedy George Carlin is considered by many to be the GOATGiphy

Here are 23 of the funniest and most poignant quotes from a comedian shared by users on the AskReddit forum.

1.

"Every time you clog a toilet, you exceeded someone’s expectations." — Unknown

2.

"Everybody thinks they're a comedian. Especially in my line of work." — Norm Macdonald

This came from Macdonald's memoir, "Based on a True Story," a must-read for Norm fans. My favorite thing about this line is that it was a sort of random throwaway, almost an afterthought, as he was expressing disdain for a doctor who told a joke and got a big laugh from everyone else in the room.

And that doctor's joke? It was Macdonald's own moth story.

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedy RIP Norm MacdonaldGiphy

3.

“I’m not an adventurous person. I’ve only ever used one side of a cheese grater.” — James Acaster

4.

“I’ve started cooking with wine. That sounds so fancy, cooking with wine. What I do is I get drunk and I make rice. I tell my friends ‘come over, I’m cooking with wine.’ They come over, I’m drunk, and there’s rice everywhere.” — Kevin Nealon

5.

"What is it like to have four kids? Imagine you are drowning, and then someone hands you a baby." — Jim Gaffigan

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedy Jim Gaffigan, the funniest lazy dad you know.Giphy

6.

"I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread." — Mitch Hedberg

7.

“Cocaine is God's way of saying you make too much money." — Robin Williams

8.

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'." — Bob Newhart

9.

“People say someone lost their battle with cancer. But if someone dies from cancer, the cancer dies too. I’d call that a draw.” — Norm MacDonald

10.

"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States." — Spike Milligan

11.

"When you are on fire, and running down the street, people will get out of your way." — Richard Pryor

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedy Richard Pryor: a legend.Giphy

12.

"I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic...in morse code." — Emo Phillips

13.

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." — Groucho Marx

14.

"I didn't want to be Drunk in Public. I wanted to be drunk in a bar. They THREW me into public." — Ron White

15.

"I know I'm getting older, my last birthday cake looked like a prairie fire!" — Rodney Dangerfield

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedy Rodney Dangerfield don't get no respect.Giphy

16.

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." — George Carlin

17.

"When you got a career there ain't enough time in the world...when you got a job there's too much time." — Chris Rock

18.

"She had enough plastic surgery so that when she crossed her legs, her mouth snapped open." — Joan Rivers

19.

"Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in." — Doug Stanhope

20.

"I'm impulsive, but I'm also quite indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now." - Dylan Moran

21.

“So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.” - Mitch Hedberg

22.

"When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It's only painful & difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid." - Ricky Gervais

best comedians. funniest stand-up comedy, norm macdonald, george carlin, mitch hedberg, funny, laughter, comedy Ricky Gervais dances in 'The Office'Giphy

23.

"The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while.

Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, 'Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?' And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, 'Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.'

And we … kill those people.

'Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real.'

It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride.

And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.

Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace." — Bill Hicks

This article originally appeared two years ago. It has been updated.

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comedy

Humor

Billy Crystal's ad-libs in 'The Princess Bride' were so funny Rob Reiner had to leave set

And he wasn't the only one.

LionsgateFilmUK/YouTube

Billy Crystal created most of Miracle Max's lines in "The Princess Bride" off the cuff.

It's often said that comedy is harder than drama, and while that may be debatable, there's no doubt that good comedians are a unique breed. Comedic actors know how to deliver lines in just the right way with just the right timing to make an audience laugh, but true comedians are often funnier when they’re allowed to go off-script and let their gift for spontaneous humor shine.

Enter Billy Crystal, whose ad-libbed scene in “The Princess Bride” was so funny it took nearly 30 hours of work to get five minutes of usable footage. Cast members of the cult classic film have shared what happened when director Rob Reiner decided to take the reins off of Crystal, telling him, “Forget the lines, just go for it,” according to actor Cary Elwes. That invitation to improvise would prove to be one of the best—and worst—decisions he could have made for the film.

billy crystal, the princess bride, miracle max The Princess Bride Disney Plus GIF by Disney+Giphy

In the scene, Crystal plays “Miracle Max,” a crotchety old apothecary who argues with his wife (played by Carol Kane) and brings the "mostly dead" Westley back to life with his chocolate-covered magic pill. There were lines written for his character, but he didn't need them. He could—and did—ad-lib for hours, but it proved to be a bit of a problem because the cast and crew just couldn't stop laughing.

- YouTubeyoutu.be

The sound department had to start banishing people off of the set because they were ruining takes with their giggles. Reiner himself, who has a big, boisterous laugh, was one of the first people to go because he couldn't keep it together during the filming. Mandy Patinkin, who played Inigo Montoya and wasn't able to leave, shared that he sustained his only injury in the entire making of the film during the shooting of that scene—a bruised rib from holding in laughter.

Elwes said Reiner told him he needed to lie perfectly still and hold his breath in the scene, but Crystal's "medieval Yiddish stand-up" proved too hilarious and Elwes had to be replaced with his rubber dummy for much of the shoot. Patinkin said that Reiner nearly threw up from laughing so hard, and people in the cast and crew had to bite their hands to keep quiet. Production was nearly shut down for the day and the scene became one of the most expensive scenes in the movie because it used so much film, according to InCinematic. And the vast majority of what was filmed never got seen.

The Princess Bride You Killed My Father GIFGiphy

"Unfortunately, there's so many spoiled—brilliantly hilarious takes that we all spoiled," said Elwes. He also wrote in his book about the movie that Crystal never said the same thing or delivered the same line twice. Crystal's improv resulted in some of the most memorable lines from the film, such as the classic, "Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world—except for a nice MLT–mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean…"

Even the look of Miracle Max was from Crystal's brain child. He told his makeup artist that he wanted the character to look like a mix between Casey Stengel, former manager for the New York Yankees, and Crystal's grandmother.

Casey Stengel served as inspiration for the Miracle Max character in "The Princess Bride."Public Domain

People loved hearing about Crystal's comedic genius, wishing the footage that couldn't be used would be released.

"You can't plan a movie like The Princess Bride, when you've got the right people sometimes it just happens."

"Nothing greater as an improvising-comedian actor than hearing the words; 'Forget the lines, just go for it.'"

"Three straight days of Billy off the cuff is pure gold. I would've loved to have been on that set lmao."

Billy Crystal Oscars GIF by The Academy AwardsGiphy

"When the comedy is so good, you bruise your OWN RIB tryna hold it in."

"Release the tapes, raw and uncut. The people demand it."

We may not have access to the unseen footage of Crystal's improvised hilarity, but we can at least enjoy the scenes that did make it into the film by rewatching "The Princess Bride," which many fans do annually. The film even returned to theaters briefly for its 30th Anniversary in the fall of 2023, much to the delight of people who yearned to see it on the big screen again.

- YouTubeyoutu.be

This article originally appeared in January.

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comedy

Parenting

Parents admit the biggest lie they've ever told their kids. And they're deviously brilliant.

"You don’t grow if you sleep in your parents bed."

Canva Photos

Parents are sharing the helpful little lies they're 'taking to the grave.'

Matt Leinart seems to have some time on his hands. A former standout quarterback at USC where he competed for a National Championship, Leinart spent seven seasons in the NFL before retiring from football. These days, he works college football games in-studio as an analyst for FOX Sports. It's a demanding job, but certainly less grueling than the rigors of being a professional athlete.

Lately, he's been leaning into his new role as a dad of three boys. "Just a Dad with a Heisman," his TikTok profile says. On his social media, you won't find a whole lot of football talk or glory days highlights. Instead, he prefers to share funny skits and musings on being a dad.

Leinart recently took to TikTok with a simple prompt: "Tell me the biggest lies you tell your kids."

"I'm not talking about Santa or the Easter Bunny," he captions the video. "I want the ones you're taking to the grave. (Don't worry I'm the only one reading the comments)"

The video quickly picked up steam on social media, racking up over 600 thousand views, and parents began chiming in. The responses did not disappoint.

@mattleinartqb
Spill… #imbored #parenting #secrets #parentsoftiktok #lies

Here are some of the best replies and, I've got to be honest, they're way more creative and devious than I ever would have expected.

1. "When new teeth grow in, I told her that they create new tastes. Now she tries to figure out which new foods she will like every time a new tooth comes in."

2. "Every single car accident we passed was bc the kids were fighting in the back seat"

3. "When their tablets need updating I have to mail it directly to Amazon and we have no clue how long it will take days, weeks or months. In reality they are in my closet and I just want them outside catching toads and bugs."

4. "I told my daughter that whenever a kid lies to their parents they eyes glow… now if she’s lying she squints at me!"

5. "All the candy at the front at checkouts is expired. That’s why it’s up front"

I always thought it was cruel that in order to leave any store, you have to walk through a gauntlet of candies and mini-toys. I can see this little lie coming in serious handy.

dads, parenting, parenthood, fatherhood, kids, funny, lies, lying, humor, teens, family, moms, motherhood The gauntlet parents must face before they can exit any store.Giphy

6. "They think the car doesn’t start unless their seatbelt is fastened. Facts."

7. "Our sons didn't eat cooked onions ( in casserole, etc l.). 'It's not onion. It's Japanese Clearfruit.' They cleaned their plates."

A quick Google search for Japanese Clearfruit does not yield any interesting results. Pretty clever that this parent came up with that on the fly!

8. "You don’t grow if you sleep in your parents bed."

As a dad to a 4-year-old that loves to come to bed in the middle of the night, I may steal this one.

9. "For every bite of vegetables at dinner, they could stay up 5 minutes later. But, they didn’t know how to tell time."

10. "You can only go to Chuck E Cheese if you’re invited for a party. We don’t know anyone that has had a party so…"

dads, parenting, parenthood, fatherhood, kids, funny, lies, lying, humor, teens, family, moms, motherhood You have to be "invited" to Chuck E. Cheese. You can't just show up.Giphy

11. "We told our daughter she couldn’t go to Disney World unless she learned how to go potty in the toilet. We told her Mickey doesn’t allow diapers."

12. "When the ice cream truck plays music, it means they’re empty."

This one came up again and again in the responses to Leinart's post. It must have been one the Gen X kids heard over and over when they were kids, to the point that it was almost mythical.

dads, parenting, parenthood, fatherhood, kids, funny, lies, lying, humor, teens, family, moms, motherhood The music on the ice cream truck means it's empty. Brilliant!Giphy

13. "We live on a lake and all our granddaughters know the lake doesn’t open until 9am. "

14. "That McDonalds has Sad Meals for naughty kids. My kids are still SILENT in the drive thru"

15. "I used to tell my kids the cops would pull us over if the interior light was on at night"

That dang interior light!

They're not all mean or meant to work in the parents' favor! Some lies and bits of deception help keep the magic of childhood alive.

16. "My son lost his tooth on the playground. I took one of my daughters [old ones] and we all pretended to search and magically found his tooth... in the snow"

17. "That if we saw the moon - it would follow us home to make sure we made it safely. My daughter believed this until like middle school and still talks about it"

18. "My younger brother thought that North Carolina was the windshield capitol of the world until he was in college because one time we were driving through the state during a really bad storm and he was a super nervous kid so my dad had to reassure him that we were safe because we were in the windshield capitol of the world."

The windshield capitol of the world! Now that's truly inspired, and all in the name of comforting a scared child.

19. "Dead squirrels in the road are just squirrels taking a nap."

The entire thread begs the question: Is it really OK to lie to your kids?

The answer is: it depends. Everyone is going to have their own idea of what's right and wrong.

“Usually, we are lying to our children out of kindness to them, because we don’t want them to be upset or have to deal with the awfulness of the world,” author Judi Ketteler told CNN. These are called prosocial lies, because they're meant to benefit the recipient. Lying to prevent your kids from finding out the truth about Santa Claus, or to shield them from a harsh realization about death—these are prosocial lies that are generally considered to be OK.

Ketteler adds that "lies of omission" are even more common and necessary when raising kids. It's when you tell them the truth, but leave out crucial information that may be painful for them or hard to process.

And finally, there are the selfish lies. The lies that give parents a much-needed break or help us avoid a meltdown or major confrontation we're not in the mood to have. The common ice cream truck lie, for example, can help us avoid a major standoff and the tears and screaming that will probably come along with it. At least, in the short term. Experts agree that it's probably not the best idea, and it would be healthier and more productive to set firm boundaries and stand by them instead of lying. But...we're still going to do it sometimes because it's funny, makes for a good story, and because our kids will one day lie to their kids because they're too tired to go to Chuck E. Cheese just like we were.

It's the circle of life.

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dads

Motherhood

Millennial mom is stunned when grandma compares parenting in the 80s to now

Taylor Wolfe couldn't believe her mom slept soundly without any kind of baby monitor.

@thedailytay/TikTok

"My anxiety could not have handled the 80s."

Raising kids is tough no matter what generation you fall into, but it’s hard to deny that there was something much simpler about the childrearing days of yesteryear, before the internet offered a million and one ways that parents could be—and probably are—doing it all very, very wrong.

What's especially fascinating is that our data and best-practices have gotten so much better over time. Parents in the 80s had no idea that crib bumpers were dangerous, just like their parents didn't know that using whiskey as a sleep aid probably wasn't the best idea! We know better, and yet, we're burdened by the overwhelming amount of knowledge and potential dangers around us.

Taylor Wolfe, a millennial mom, nails this conundrum perfectly this as she asks her own mother a series of rapid-fire questions about raising her during the 80s and the stark contrast in attitudes becomes blatantly apparent.

80s, parenting, millennial mom, motherhood, millennial parens, boomer grandparents, moms, dads, parents, kids Parenting in 2025 is a lot different than in the 1980s. Photo by Alexander Dummer on Unsplash

In a clip posted on TikTok, Wolfe and her mom sit side by side on the couch and have a fascinating discussion.

First off, Wolfe can’t comprehend how her mom survived without being able to Google everything. (Not even a parent, but I feel this.)

“What did we have to Google?” her mom asks while shaking her head incredulously.

“Everything! For starters, poop!” Wolfe says. “Cause you have to know if the color is an okay color, if it's healthy!”

“I was a nursing mom, so if the poop came out green, it was because I ate broccoli,” her mom responds.

…Okay, fair point. But what about handy gadgets like baby monitors? How did Wolfe’s mom keep her kid alive without one?

“I was the monitor, going in and feeling you,” she says. Wolfe asked her mom how she slept without a baby monitor and knowing for certain, at every instant, that she was safe? "We just slept" her mom deadpanned.

@thedailytay
My anxiety would have hated the 80s. Or maybe loved it? IDK! #fyp #millennialsontiktok #parenttok #momsoftiktok #comedyvid

Could it really be that easy? It was for Wolfe’s mom, apparently. Rather than relying on technology, she simply felt her child and adjusted accordingly.

“If you were hot, you slept in a diaper. If you were cold, you had a blanket around you.” Done and done.

Wolfe then got into more existential questions, asking her mom if she ever felt the stress of “only having 18 summers” with her child, and how to make the most of it.

Without missing a beat, Wolfe's mother says, “It's summer, I still have you.”

Cue the tears!

Going by Wolfe’s mom, the 80s seems like a time with much less pressure on parents.

@thedailytay
She had some big feelings. #parentsoftiktok #gentleparenting #satire #fyp #foryoupage #momlife #parents #millennialsoftiktok

From feeding her kids McDonald’s fries guilt-free to being spared the judgment of internet trolls, she just sort of did the thing without worrying so much if she was doing it correctly.

That’s nearly impossible in today’s world, as many viewers commented.

“Google just gives us too much information and it scares us,” one person quipped.

Another seconded, “I swear social media has made me wayyyy more of an anxious mom."

"it's almost like all the technology, and it's advertising, leads to so much unnecessary anxiety" someone added.

Even a professional noted: “As someone who has worked in pediatrics since the 80s, the parents are way more anxious now.”

It's no wonder that parents' mental health is, collectively, in the toilet. We're more stressed today about money, work-life balance, getting into good schools, signing up for activities that gobble up all our time... everything.

Experts say there are ways parents can manage the stresses of modern life, though. Reducing phone and social media use, for starters, is a good way to avoid ruminating on all the potential dangers of the world. Parents are also challenged to push themselves out of their comfort zone by allowing their child more freedom and independence than they'd normally be comfortable with. For example, letting your kids walk to school or go buy something from a store without your help.

I don’t think anyone truly wants to go back in time, per se. But many of us are yearning to bring more of this bygone mindset into the modern day. And the big takeaway here: No matter how many improvements we make to life, if the cost is our mental state, then perhaps it’s time to swing the pendulum back a bit.

This article originally appeared two years ago. It has been updated.

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motherhood

Kids

A 3-year-old asked if 'workmans' take naps and grown-ups had the most heartwarming responses

“We take naps, we eat all our veggies, and we always listen to our mothers.”

Canva Photos

A toddler stared resisting naps because "workmans" don't take them. The workmans came to enlighten him.

There comes a time when all young children start to question the things they've been told. One inevitable moment all parents dread is the day when their toddler starts resisting the nap. Young kids eventually begin to realize that older kids and grown ups don't seem to take naps, so why should they?

Parenting a toddler is hard work, and it's really nice to get a break for one to two hours in the middle of the day. You can catch up on things around the house, take some personal time, or if you're really fortunate, even take a nap yourself. A part of you dies inside the day your three-year-old stubbornly insists that he or she will no longer be partaking in the afternoon nap.

One 3-year-old boy recently began resisting his daily nap because he wanted to be like his "workman" dad.

kids, parenting, parents, moms, dads, childhood, sleep, naps, toddlers, parenting advice, humor, heartwarming Workmans need naps to be strong in the second half of their day.Giphy

MJ, the three-year-old son of TikToker Jessica Lee, wants to be just like his dad. Not when he grows up, but right now. MJ's dad is what he calls a "workman"—he wears a bright vest to work and fixes things all day.

So does MJ.

In several videos posted by Lee, MJ can be seen wearing what looks like a construction worker outfit and "fixing" things all over the house, including the slide of his playset. There's just one problem: MJ gets so into his job that mom sometimes has trouble getting him to take breaks. So, she decided to get a little help from the folks on social media.

“This message is for workmans,” she says in a selfie-style video with MJ, as she hilariously snaps the front back onto a toy drill. “MJ here? He’s a workman. And I convinced him to come in here and eat lunch because workmen take a lunch break. But now it’s time for his nap and he’s wondering if workmen take a nap. Do you think workmen take a nap?” she asks him.

“No,” MJ replies.

"I think they might," mom says. "So let's ask. If you guys know a workman in your life, do they take naps sometimes?"

Lee throws in a not-so-subtle wink for the camera right at the end.

@jessclee
#toddlersoftiktok #workmans #naptime #fypシ゚viral

The real life "workmans" did not disappoint. They came out in full force to tell young MJ the truth about being a hard-working grownup like his dad.

Twenty-three million watched the video and here's what they had to say:

"as a certified workman i can safely answer this question. we take naps, we eat all our veggies, and we always listen to our mothers."

"Yes sir. we take naps. we say our prayers, brush our teeth really good and listen to our mom"

"Hello my workman , I have worked in construction for 30 years and we always take a nap. I always eat my healthy lunch, share my tools with my coworkers and always listen to my mom. Can't wait to build a house with you. Be strong, smart and get good grades to be the best workman in the world."

"Those are the union rules, boss man."

"Workman here. Real workmen always take a nap after eating a big healthy lunch so we are strong for the second half of our day."

The responses didn't stop there. Countless users filmed video responses for MJ to see. Real workmen on the job even filmed themselves napping, just so he'd know they were telling the truth. Lee even created a montage of all the amazing responses she and her son received.

@jessclee
This is a long one but I promise its worth the watch. The outpouring of love that our family has felt from around the world has been incredible. Thank you all for working so hard. You deserve the naps!

It's so amazing to see the online community coming together to help keep the magic alive for a smart and inquisitive little kid.

Only about one-third of adults regularly take naps. But almost all of us wish we could do it more. If we were still toddlers, we'd jump at the chance to nap. Though the TikTok workmen might have bent the truth just a tad, they didn't lie: Naps help you have more energy and feel strong for the rest of the day. If MJ knows what's good for him, he'll hold onto his naps for as long as possible.

For parents like Lee, just know that there is life past the nap. Eventually, your kids will give it up, and it won't be so bad when they do. Yes, you no longer get that guaranteed break time every day, but on the plus side you no longer have to schedule your entire life around that multi-hour block in the afternoon.

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kids

Pop Culture

25 incredibly satisfying things you can say to phone scammers instead of just hanging up

"Does your mother know that you steal for a living?"

Photo credit: Canva

25 things you can say to phone scammers that wastes their time as much as yours.

An estimated 56 million US adults were reported as being affected by scam robocalls, resulting in $25.4 billion in losses, according to a 2023 Truecaller U.S. Spam and Scam Report. This means that about 21% of US adults were victimized by phone scams in 2023 alone.

Surprisingly, the report also found that, despite the stereotype of seniors being the biggest victims of phone scams, young adults between the ages 18-44 were three times more likely to be taken advantage of than older adults 45 and up.

And while you can thwart these types of calls simply by hanging up (or downloading robocall blocker apps to avoid them entirely), many choose instead to enact very creative revenge.

This is evident in the 15K+ answers folks gave to the question posed on Reddit: “What is something you say to scammers instead of hanging up?”

What is something you say to scammers instead of hanging up?
by inAskReddit

Did these folks waste their time? Maybe, but at least they were plenty entertained along the way. Plus, it meant the scammers had less time preying on other potential victims.

Below were some of the responses we found the funniest, most unique, and in some cases, most savage. Enjoy, and maybe bookmark a few to use for yourself.

1. “I once repeated ‘uh huh, go on..’ over and over until they got really irritated and then just hung up on me.”

2. "My grandfather let them do their whole speech for about 20 minutes. He then told them he didn't have his hearing aid in and asked if they could repeat it all. They hung up immediately."

phone scams, robocall, robocall blocker, roboblock, cyberfraud From 'Gente-fied'media1.giphy.com

3. “I once saw caller ID (land line days) with a number that I figured was a telemarketer. In a ‘tough’ voice, without saying hello I asked, ‘Is he dead?’ And about a beat and a half later I said, ‘Because if he ain’t dead, don’t you even think about coming back here.’ Then what sounded like a young woman on the other end said, ‘Um, uh, uh Bye!’ Hope she had as much fun telling her friends as I had telling mine.”

4. "Scammer was Indian, I'm Indian, I put on my Indian accent then accused him of putting on a bad fake Indian accent to make fun of me and told him he should be ashamed of himself. It was a few seconds of fun."

5. “I asked, ‘does your mother know that you steal for a living?’ He responded, ‘yes.’ I hadn't planned on that.

6. "Just start chanting in Latin. Most hang up quickly. One begged me not to curse her family."

7. “We have a Rick Roll extension. We forward them to it after telling them about the brief hold and then check the recording length the next day to see if they’ve beaten the record.”

phone scams, robocall, robocall blocker, roboblock, cyberfraud From 'Never Gonna Give You Up'media4.giphy.com

8. "You've reached the FBI telephone fraud division, how may I help you?"

9. "’Hi, We have been trying to reach you about your car's warranty.’ ‘Thats great, what plans can you offer me on my 97 geo metro? I've only been in 6 wrecks.’ They usually just give up.”

10. "I once got a scammer to say ‘I love you too.’ It was one of those resort/vacation calls and I kept him in the line for his whole spiel. When he asked who else would be vacationing with me, I asked if he would go with me. I was like, ‘It will save on airfare because you're already there.’ Ended up with him saying he had to end the call and I was like, ‘Okay. I love you.’ And he reflexively goes ‘I love you too.’ The high point of my life."

11. “If they are calling about windows and doors, I tell them I live in a tent. ‘You are calling a tent, did you know this?’ If they call about HVAC, I tell them I live in a castle, and we heat it in the wintertime by burning witches.”

12. "’Mr. Smashing Stuff, I'm calling about an accident you were involved in that wasn't your fault.’ ‘Oh it wasn't an accident, I meant to hurt those people.’ The pause you get before being immediately escalated to a 'manager' is like a crack to me."

phone scams, robocall, robocall blocker, roboblock, cyberfraud From 'Austin Powers'media4.giphy.com

13. “I give them a phone number one digit at a time and ask them to repeat it as a whole after each one. Then tell them they got it wrong when I'm done and start over.”

14. "I have two things I do. 1) I try to sell them WiFi. I personally have nothing to do with internet services. But I can guarantee that my services are the cheapest in town and seeing as how you called me you must be interested. Now before you think ‘man I’m really not gonna get as good a deal as I’d like.’ I can promise no buffers and high-quality streaming at a fraction. Yes, you heard it a fraction of what you currently are paying, if you just give me your first and last name we can get the ball rolling. No one has ever lasted that one. 2) in a very heavy southern accent. ‘Now the lord spoke to me today and he told me that I’d be bringing another one of his lambs that had been led astray back into the flock, I’m gonna open this conversation with a prayer real quick.’ Most people hang up. Some and very few last through my 10-minute prayer. After that, I go straight into asking about their addictions and why the lord is telling me about how their browser history is causing demons to enter their home."

15. "Is this what you wanted to be when you grew up?"

16. “I used to get a lot of ‘home security’ calls offering alarm systems and cameras. I would of course ask all the curious questions and then lead them to believe I was using the alarm system and cameras to keep people inside the house.”

phone scams, robocall, robocall blocker, roboblock, cyberfraud From 'The Diplomat'media1.giphy.com

17. "Me - do you believe in our lord and savior Jesus Christ? Them - yes. Me - he wants you to quit calling."

18. "My new thing is to heavily troll them for as long as possible. If they're going to waste my time with endless calls, well then I'm going to do the same. Here's a good one - I recently encountered a very low-tech health insurance scam that used an actual phone line and not a spoof. I called them back literally over 1000 times for two days straight and eventually got to the main person. He actually pleaded for me to stop calling and apologized profusely, lol it was very satisfying."

19. “I tell them my mother said to me not to talk to strangers and ask them to call me on FaceTime.”

20. "I can't talk right now, I'm actually here to rob the place."

phone scams, robocall, robocall blocker, roboblock, cyberfraud A robber on a mission.media4.giphy.com

21. "HELLO, caller number two! You’re on with The Sturge at numbitty 902 WA3DFM. What do you have to say about the Lizard Illuminati?”

22. “I get calls for Duct cleaning. When they ask I ask if they do chickens or geese too.”

23. "I pretend to be the dumbest guy in the world. Them - ‘You should update your home's security’ Me - ‘Like how?’ Them - ‘A camera on the front door is a good st..’ Me (interrupts) - ‘Front door? My front door is on the side of my house. How will that work? Do you have a side door camera?’ Them - ‘Yes sir of course. We have many dif…’ Me (interrupts again) - ‘PHEW! I have looked for so long for a side front door camera salesman. You, sir, are my savior. Are you married?’”

24. “I take a deep breath and let out a continuous raspberry. (fart noise with your tongue) for as long as I can. When I stop to take a breath I usually hear ‘..uh.. hello?’ And then I take a big breath again and continue. No one has made it to two full raspberries before hanging up on me.”

phone scams, robocall, robocall blocker, roboblock, cyberfraud From 'New Girl'media1.giphy.com

25. “I whisper into the mic to make them turn the volume on their headsets up then suddenly start yelling.”

Granted, it might be worth adding the disclaimer that for many of these folks, scamming might not exactly be a choice. Around the world, human trafficking-fueled cyberfraud, in which people are lured through fake job ads and forced into scamming work, has become more prevalent—especially post-COVID. So sometimes, the folks on the other lines are victims themselves. So, while it might be cathartic to give them a taste of their own medicine, it’s also good to keep in mind that many aren’t necessarily doing it of their free will.

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Love Stories

Smitten woman bought a 'love spell' from a witch on Etsy and it backfired spectacularly

This story has ethical conundrums galore.

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You can buy curses, potions, and spells on Etsy now.

Unrequited love—we've all been there, right? Rejection sucks, even when it's self-rejection in the form of being too afraid to tell someone you have feelings for them. It hurts to keep it inside, and it hurts to get shot down. If only there was a better way!

Some people believe that there might be. While it may not be possible to just snap your fingers and make someone fall in love with you, potions, spells, and other forms of witchcraft promise to bring you basically the same result. What's great is that, in 2025, you can hire a witch to do your romantic bidding on the Internet from the comfort of your own home!

One woman recently decided to take a chance on a magical love spell, and got way more than she bargained for.

Yes, it sounds like the opening backstory montage of a Disney movie, but this one takes place in our very real world. A TikTok user named Corinne recently shared the embarrassing story of witchcraft gone wrong in a thirteen second video clip. Previously, she had decided to pony up a few bucks for a "love spell" on her crush.

A similar product description from a different seller on Etsy describes it like this: "Dive into the deepest, most powerful realms of black magic with this LOVE OBSESSION Spell, designed to create an unbreakable bond of passion, obsession, and undying love. This is not just any love spell; it’s an advanced black magic voodoo ritual, tailored to ignite intense passion and force someone to obsess over you—an emotional, irresistible connection that can't be broken."

As of this writing, the spell costs an eyebrow-raising $66.

But people have certainly done crazier things for love! Unfortunately, once Corrine's order was processed, the seller turned out to be a bit of a backstabber.

“Guys the Etsy witch told on me,” she said in the social media video, clearly upset and humiliated. “I said the guy’s name, his birthday and stuff, and she literally DM’d him on Instagram and exposed me.”

"So much for supporting small businesses" she added in the video's caption.

@andtheg4gis
So much for supporting small businesses 😭 #etsywitch #lovespell #fyp #foryou

The video quickly went viral to the tune of two million views. Commenters were furious on Corrine's behalf.

Whether or not you believe in the occult, it's pretty screwed up to out someone like that, right? One user called the betrayal a HIPPA violation:

"AW NAH THAT'S A WIPPA VIOLATION," one joked.

"Genuinely like report that to Etsy that's so crazy"

"u better have disputed that charge babe"

"Imagine getting a 'hey girly' text from a witch"

"oh baby you gotta tell the elder witches"

Probably the best advice was for Corrine to own up to the whole thing with an outrageous level of confidence:

"GIRL DOUBLE DOWNN!! dm him n say 'did it work?'"

"Did it work" is such an amazing line, I'm mad I didn't think of it."

witches, witchcraft, love, love spells, love potion, relationships, dating, romance, women, girls, internet, tiktok, funny Just your basic witch supplies. Photo by Content Pixie on Unsplash

The whole wild story brings up so many questions. For starters, is it ethical for psychics and witches to perform these "services" for money?

Witches have become super popular on Etsy, but that doesn't mean that everything is on the up-and-up. There's quite a bit of evidence that psychic powers and witchcraft aren't real and can not be verified by science. So there's been fierce debate for years over whether people should actually be allowed to sell psychic/witch services. Isn't the entire industry inherently misleading? Does it exist to prey on vulnerable people who are desperate for good news or a positive outcome in their life Then again, maybe it's not all about the outcome. Maybe believing in an unexplained power and using it for selfish reasons can be cathartic. Just ask all the people spending their hard-earned money paying Etsy witches to "curse" certain hated political and public figures.

If we assume all parties know that a "love spell" won't actually work — what's the harm in ritualistically throwing yourself at the mercy of the universe and asking for a break? Even if it costs a couple of bucks?

Jeffrey Moriarty, a professor of philosophy at Bentley University, argues in a paper that psychic services should be allowed for sale provided customers are not being lied to or mislead, "even though much of the money spent on them will be money wasted."

If we assume that certain parties really do believe a love spell will work and "make" a person fall in love with them... well, that brings up even more ethical questions, doesn't it? Consent, free will. It's an extremely messy witches brew, that's for sure.

As for Corrine, her story has a happy ending. After getting a deluge of viral fame and advice, she decided to perform a love ritual herself!

People encouraged her to take matters into her own hands, so she did.

@andtheg4gis
UPDATE!! I sooo have my man back (that is, if he doesn’t look down😭) #etsywitch #lovespell #update #fyp #foryou #foryoupage

"I wrote his name on the bottom of my foot," she says in an update a few days later. "Dipped it in a jar of manuka honey. Literally 20 minutes later he texted me asking what I was doing tonight. So now I'm going over."

All's well that ends well. But the lesson is to never trust a witch unless they've got a perfect five-star Etsy rating. Otherwise? You're better off performing your own spells.

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witchcraft

We have a small favor to ask of you

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"I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long."

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And he wasn't the only one.

"You don’t grow if you sleep in your parents bed."

Taylor Wolfe couldn't believe her mom slept soundly without any kind of baby monitor.

“We take naps, we eat all our veggies, and we always listen to our mothers.”

"Does your mother know that you steal for a living?"

This story has ethical conundrums galore.