Schools found to be a big reason why moms are stuck in the 'default parent' role
But they can also be part of the solution.
A distressed mom picking up a phone call
Are you the parent your child goes to first after being emotionally or physically hurt? Do they bug you first when their iPad needs charging? Do you accompany your child to most of their doctor’s appointments? When the school has a problem, are you the first person they call?
If you’ve answered “yes” to most of these questions, you are most likely your family's default parent, which can be a real problem.
Amber Thornton, Psy.D, writes in Psychology Today that default parents (who are most often female) are likely to experience four common psychological problems associated with their position in the household, including chronic fatigue and burnout, feelings of resentment toward their partners and children, diminished ability to care for oneself and a significant decline in mental health.
Dr. Thornton argues that women are often put into this position due to a “systemic” problem where they are expected to provide primary care for parenting and home-related tasks.
I’m tired of being the default parent pic.twitter.com/5i010Tfkec
— ▫️The V Show▫️ (@sweet___soul) July 14, 2023
A recent study by Kristy Buzard, Laura K. Gee and Olga Stoddard revealed that schools play a significant role in promoting women as default parents in heterosexual couples. Their study of over 30,000 schools across the U.S. involved fictitious parents leaving a message with a principal asking to discuss school placement and requesting their call to be returned.
The study posed three scenarios that proved the bias toward casting women as default parents.
In the first scenario, the person leaving the message asked the principal to call either the mother or the father. In this scenario, 59% of principals called the mother. In the second scenario, the message said the dad had “a lot of availability,” and he was called 74% of the time versus the mom, who was called 26%.
In the third scenario, the caller said the mother had “a lot of availability,” in that case, she got 90% of the calls, whereas the dad was called just 10% of the time. “If you indicate that mom is more available, they almost always call mom; that’s less true when you indicate dad is available,” author and economist Emily Oster writes in her “ParentData” Substack newsletter.
Even though the schools currently appear to be promoting an antiquated view of gender roles, they can also be a big part of paving the way toward equality. Oster believes we can quickly overcome this institutional bias by implementing a very simple solution in America's schools: letting parents inform tell schools who they should call first.
“It would be great if schools and child care centers would ask parents who should be called first. Every year, at the start of the year, we all fill out a million forms for our school or childcare settings. One of those forms should ask who the school should call as a first step,” Oster writes on her Substack.
“This change doesn’t really need to be motivated by a need for household equality, either,” she adds. “It’s just efficient! Calling the parent who will never pick up is not helpful.”
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12 non-threatening leadership strategies for women
We mustn't hurt a man's feelings.
Men and the feels.
Note: This an excerpt is from Sarah Cooper's book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings.
In this fast-paced business world, female leaders need to make sure they're not perceived as pushy, aggressive, or competent.
One way to do that is to alter your leadership style to account for the fragile male ego.
Should men accept powerful women and not feel threatened by them? Yes. Is that asking too much?
IS IT?
Sorry, I didn't mean to get aggressive there. Anyhoo, here are twelve non-threatening leadership strategies for women.
Encourage.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When setting a deadline, ask your coworker what he thinks of doing something, instead of just asking him to get it done. This makes him feel less like you're telling him what to do and more like you care about his opinions.
Sharing ideas.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When sharing your ideas, overconfidence is a killer. You don't want your male coworkers to think you're getting all uppity. Instead, downplay your ideas as just "thinking out loud," "throwing something out there," or sharing something "dumb," "random," or "crazy."
Email requests.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pepper your emails with exclamation marks and emojis so you don't come across as too clear or direct. Your lack of efficient communication will make you seem more approachable.
Idea sharing.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
If a male coworker steals your idea in a meeting, thank him for it. Give him kudos for how he explained your idea so clearly. And let's face it, no one might've ever heard it if he hadn't repeated it.
Sexism.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you hear a sexist comment, the awkward laugh is key. Practice your awkward laugh at home, with your friends and family, and in the mirror. Make sure you sound truly delighted even as your soul is dying inside.
Mansplain.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Men love explaining things. But when he's explaining something and you already know that, it might be tempting to say, "I already know that." Instead, have him explain it to you over and over again. It will make him feel useful and will give you some time to think about how to avoid him in the future.
Mistakes.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pointing out a mistake is always risky so it's important to always apologize for noticing the mistake and then make sure that no one thinks you're too sure about it. People will appreciate your "hey what do I know?!" sensibilities.
Promotions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Asking your manager for a promotion could make you seem power- hungry, opportunistic, and transparent. Instead, ask a male coworker to vouch for you. Have your coworker tell your manager you'd be great for the role even though you don't really want it. This will make you more likely to actually get that promotion.
Rude.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Sometimes not everyone is properly introduced at the start of a meeting. Don't take it personally even if it happens to you all the time, and certainly don't stop the meeting from moving forward to introduce yourself. Sending a quick note afterward is the best way to introduce yourself without seeming too self-important.
Interruptions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you get interrupted, you might be tempted to just continue talking or even ask if you can finish what you were saying. This is treacherous territory. Instead, simply stop talking. The path of least resistance is silence.
Collaboration.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When collaborating with a man, type using only one finger. Skill and speed are very off-putting.
Disagreements.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When all else fails, wear a mustache so everyone sees you as more man-like. This will cancel out any need to change your leadership style. In fact, you may even get a quick promotion!
In conclusion...
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Many women have discovered the secret power of non-threatening leadership. We call it a "secret power" because no one else actually knows about it. We keep our power hidden within ourselves so that it doesn't frighten and intimidate others. That's what makes us the true unsung heroes of the corporate world.
About the Author: Sarah Cooper
Sarah Cooper is a writer, comedian, and author of 100 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings. Her new book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings, is out now.
The comedic book cover.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
A satirical take on what it's like to be a woman in the workplace, Cooper draws from her experience as a former executive in the world of tech (she's a former Googler and Yahooer). You can get the book here.
This article was originally published on March 25, 2019.