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Why you shouldn't put a time limit on someone's grief

Why you shouldn't put a time limit on someone's grief
Photo courtesy Myra Sack

Editor's Note: Recently it was reported that the DSM-5 would include a new diagnosis "prolonged grief disorder," likely opening up new pathways for treatment, including therapy and medication. The inclusion, which has been debated for decades, is considered highly controversial by critics who say it stigmatizes and further isolates those living with grief. The following op-ed is a response to the decision. Upworthy has not taken an official stance on the decision but is sharing this article as a means of furthering the discussion about mental health, grief and how we as a culture and community address such challenges.



Dear Beauty,

I wonder if they understand that the root of the word "care" is from an Old High German term chara, meaning grief or lament. If only our healthcare system would let us hold our sorrow and help us understand that it moves and changes as we try to move through life after losing someone we love, too soon, too young.

When you were diagnosed with a rare and fatal neurodegenerative disorder that we knew would destroy your mind and body, every assumption about what is right and natural and good in the world was shattered.

Despite having done extensive preconception genetic testing, a fatal mistake was made by a physician. The wrong test was ordered, and your dad‘s carrier status was misreported. Your life, the one that was supposed to be long and full and ever-changing, would last 12 to 18 more months if we were lucky. We’d never watch you grow-up. We’d never hear you talk. We’d never hold your hand to take a walk.

Today, 14 months after your death, the missing, the aching, the craving and the longing still exist just as much as it did on December 17, 2019, the day we learned you would die.

Now, the American Psychiatric Association has added prolonged grief disorder to the most recent version of Diagnostic Statistical Manual. Now, I live with the marker of a disorder. Am I grieving too long? Too deeply? Is it my fault that the world as I once knew it will never be the same again? Is it crazy that I don’t want it to be?


Am I disordered? Am I crazy when I walk our neighborhood streets with your sister and reach my hand down to squeeze the place where yours used to rest in the stroller? I write to you everyday in my journal and tell you all about the goings-on — does that mean I think I can talk to the dead? Would it even matter?

I think I’ll keep writing, if you are okay with that. It makes me feel close to you, even though I just wish you were here.

Love,


Mom

When parents of living children do whatever it takes every day to keep their children in the front row of their lives, does that mean they too are disordered? Should they be prescribed naltrexone so that they can “end their addiction” to their child?

We live in a world that is afraid of loss, afraid of death and afraid of the feelings that they stir up. For grieving people, this means it is not safe to share pain, it is not safe to be honest, it is not safe to be real. We are told we need to move on, readjust, find the silver lining and appreciate the life and people we have.

The thing is, living inside tragic loss allows grieving people to feel things on a different plane. Embodied grief is a portal to finding beauty in the mundane. And the thing is, when grieving people are allowed to feel for however long and in whatever way they need, they can become a superhuman. We can hold the deepest, darkest pain and offer the fiercest compassion. All in the same tear, all in the same smile.

But, if you tell us we are disordered, and you wave drugs in front of us before we know whether they are helpful or even necessary for us, we will hide and withdraw from the feelings that can bring so much richness to our lives, and to the people who are still here on this earth, and the ones who aren’t. If you take a look at the long arc of history, it’s those who have suffered and have found their voice that have made the world a better place.

So if not a diagnosis and medication what can we do for people who have lost a loved one?

We can help them remember their loved one, actively. We can say their name, celebrate their important dates and keep them present in daily life. Not only for one week, or one month, or one year, but forever. We can ask about who they were, what they loved and what made them smile. We can show up—when we’re asked, and sometimes when we’re not. We can send a text or a note when we see a beautiful flower or a red-tailed hawk that is a symbol of their loved one.

- We can honor them through microrituals—in our family this looks like dinner and dancing and song and poetry and tears and laughter every Friday night.

- We can read and get educated. Read "Bearing the Unbearable" by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, read "The Wild Edge of Sorrow" by Francis Weller. Watch videos and read articles on the Courageous Parents Network.

- We can sit by their side when they cry. We can hold their hand in those moments, instead of helping them reach for a bottle.

- We can ask, “What do you need to be OK, today?” and not be afraid of the answer.

I promise these simple actions work. They are the best medicine. This list really does go on and it doesn’t cost our country anything.

The medicalization or minimization of grief, however, could cost us our humanity.



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Parenting

When a Patagonia employee breastfed her baby in a meeting her male VP's response was a masterclass in workplace values

Talk about a "family-friendly workplace."

Holly Morissette/LinkedIn

Years after it happened, Patagonia's approach to the "family-friendly workplace" is a whole new level that still deserves our attention - and praise.

The outdoor clothing and gear company has made a name for itself by putting its money where its mouth is. From creating backpacks out of 100% recycled materials to donating their $10 million tax cut to fight climate change to refusing to sell to clients who harm the environment, Patagonia leads by example.

That dedication to principle is clear in its policies for parents who work for them, as evidenced by a 2019 viral post from Holly Morisette, a recruiter at Patagonia.

Morisette wrote on LinkedIn:

"While nursing my baby during a morning meeting the other day after a recent return from maternity leave, our VP (Dean Carter) turned to me and said...'There is no way to measure the ROI on that. But I know it's huge.'

It got me thinking...with the immense gratitude that I have for on-site childcare at Patagonia comes a responsibility to share a 'call to action'. A PSA to tout the extraordinary benefits that come along with not asking employees to make the gut wrenching decision to either leave their jobs or leave their babies. TO HAVE TO LEAVE THEIR JOBS OR LEAVE THEIR BABIES. That perhaps just one person will brave the subject with their employer (big or small) in the hopes that it gets the wheels turning to think differently about how to truly support working families.

That with a bit of creativity, and a whole lot of guts, companies can create a workplace where mothers aren't hiding in broom closets pumping milk, but rather visiting their babies for large doses of love and serotonin before returning to their work and kicking ass.

It's no wonder that Patagonia has 100% retention of moms. Keeping them close to their babies keeps them engaged. And engaged mothers (and fathers!) get stuff done. Thank you, Patagonia, for leading the way. "


Holly Morissette on LinkedIn: "While nursing my baby during a morning meeting the other day after a recent return from maternity leave, our VP (Dean Carter) turned to me and said..."There is no way to measure the ROI on that. But I know it's huge." It got me thinking...with the immense gratitude that I have for on-site childcare at Patagonia comes a responsibility to share a “call to action". A PSA to tout the extraordinary benefits that come along with not asking employees to make the gut wrenching decision to either leave their jobs or leave their babies. TO HAVE TO LEAVE THEIR JOBS OR LEAVE THEIR BABIES. That perhaps just one person will brave the subject with their employer (big or small) in the hopes that it gets the wheels turning to think differently about how to truly support working families. That with a bit of creativity, and a whole lot of guts, companies can create a workplace where mothers aren't hiding in broom closets pumping milk, but rather visiting their babies for large doses of love and serotonin before returning to their work and kicking ass. It's no wonder that Patagonia has 100% retention of moms. Keeping them close to their babies keeps them engaged. And engaged mothers (and fathers!) get stuff done. Thank you, Patagonia, for leading the way. " www.linkedin.com


Just the first eight words of Morisette's post are extraordinary. "While nursing my baby during a morning meeting..."

As if that's totally normal. As if everyone understands that working moms can be much more engaged and efficient in their jobs if they can feed their baby while they go over sales figures. As if the long-held belief that life and work must be completely separate is a construct that deserves to be challenged.

And then the comment from her male colleague about the ROI (Return on Investment) of breastfeeding—witty, considering the time and place, and yet so supportive.

On-site childcare so that parents don't have to choose between leaving their jobs or leaving their babies. Letting life integrate with work so that working families don't have to constantly feel torn in two different directions. Flexibility in meetings and schedules. Allowing for the natural rhythms and needs of breastfeeders. Making childcare as easy and accessible as possible so that employees can be more effective in their jobs.

All of this seems so profoundly logical, it's a wonder that more companies have not figured this out sooner. Clearly, it works. I mean, who has ever heard of a 100% retention rate for mothers?

Patagonia's got it goin' on. Let's hope more companies take their lead.


This article originally appeared on 8.16.19

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There's an underreported health crisis among veterinarians. 4 reasons why they need help.

Abuse from customers is just the beginning.

via Tima Miroshnichenko/Pexels

A veterinarian examines a sick dog.

Imagine this.

You grow up loving animals – you're the rare type of human who loves cats and dogs equally. You're also fond of birds, lizards — pretty much anything that was worth of securing a spot on the Ark.

So you decide to become a veterinarian when you grow up so you can help as many of them as possible.

As a vet, you do get to help a lot of animals! But here are some other things you deal with on a daily basis.

Abandoned, mistreated, and abused pets. You know that horrible Sarah McLaughlin commercial with all the sad animals that haunts all of our dreams? Imagine waking up and clocking into work and seeing that, or worse, every single day.

long-coated black and white dog during daytimeMuch needed photo of a cute dog. Photo by Baptist Standaert on Unsplash

Owners that can't or won't get proper care for their pets. Pet care, including essential medications and surgeries, is really expensive. Someone might adopt a puppy because they have the means to feed it and get it vaccines, but that doesn't mean they have $10,000 to shell out for hip surgery a few years later, and as a vet you may have to watch that animal go without.

(Though that's probably preferable to when owners come in wanting to euthanize perfectly healthy pets due to inconvenience.)

And then there's the fact that most veterinarians must perform euthanasia on a daily basis — a heartbreaking reality of the job.

All of that while often saddled with medical debt and making less than stellar wages.

As tough as these things are, many vets report that they're somehow the least stressful parts of their day-to-day.

The worst thing that vets actually deal with, though, is all the humans.

It's unfortunately very common for pet owners to get angry about the cost of care and take it out on veterinarians and their staff, hurling abuse and accusations of greed at them.

Cyber-bullying is a big problem, too, with angry customers leaving bad reviews and social media posts that vets aren't allowed to respond to due to privacy concerns.

From there, it's not unheard of for angry clients to make threats or even resort to violence against veterinarians.

The reality of the career is a far cry from just playing with puppies all day — it's frequently dealing with difficult, entitled, or emotional owners.

It should be no surprise, then, that veterinarians are facing a mental health crisis — but somehow it still is.

short-coated brown puppy on white floorThis dog would never scream at a vet and make them cry Photo by Jairo Alzate on Unsplash

When I learned that this is one of the industries with the highest rates of depression and suicide, I was completely shocked.

Of course, thinking through the challenges of the job, it makes total sense.

But the issue clearly hasn't been getting enough attention.

A recent report from Australian dog food brand Royal Canin and the charity Love Your Pet, Love Your Vet spelled out some sobering data:

Vets were four-times more likely than the general population to commit suicide, with a heart-breaking 68% of veterinarians surveyed having lost a colleague to suicide.

Even at the less extreme ends of the spectrum, the stress, anxiety, burnout, and depression in the industry are catastrophic.

On top, the general public has no idea how bad the problem is — almost 80% of Australians surveyed were not aware of veterinary mental health issues at all.

The problem is just as bad in the USA and other parts of the World. But...

A report from the AVMA shows that things are getting (a little) better. Making more people aware will help.

a brown cat lying on the groundAnother cute pet break Photo by Simone Dalmeri on Unsplash

Despite being an underreported crisis, there are tons of groups fighting to make an impact here — dog food brands, non profits, professional trade organizations — and the good news it might just be making a difference.

The 2024 shows that the number of vets receiving counseling has nearly doubled in the last several years, in part thanks to an increase in veterinary practices offering mental health coverage and other assistance programs.

There's been a huge emphasis on preventive care, which early returns show has been working.

These changes taking place inside animal hospitals and vet practices are huge.

But there are a lot of things we can do as pet owners to make things better, too.

We can show our gratitude and say Thank You. We can not be jerks when a service costs more than we think it should. We can grieve or be upset or angry and not take it out on the veterinarian who's just trying to help.

Our pets are our family members, and many of us would do anything for them.

Now we have to take better care — MUCH better care — of the people who care for our pets.

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History (Education)

Artist's gallery shows us what historical figures would look like if they were alive today

Her new artwork has already has over 120,000 followers on Instagram.

via Royalty Now / Instagram

One of the major reasons we feel disassociated from history is that it can be hard to relate to people who lived hundreds, let alone thousands, of years ago.

Artist Becca Saladin, 29, is bridging that gap by creating modern-looking pictures of historical figures that show us what they'd look like today.

"History isn't just a series of stories, it was real people with real feelings. I think the work brings people a step closer to that," she said according to Buzzfeed.

Saladin has always loved archaeology and always wished to see see what historical events actually looked like.

She started her Instagram page after wanting to see her favorite historical figure, Anne Boleyn, in real life instead of artist's depiction.

"I wanted to know if she could come to life from the few pale, flat portraits we have of her," she wrote for Bored Panda. "I started the account to satisfy my own curiosity about what members of the past would look like if they were standing right in front of me."

Her artwork has earned her over 120,000 followers on Instagram. "I always struggled with finding a true hobby, so this has been such a fun creative outlet for me," she said. "It's really cool to have found a hobby that combines my passions for both art and history."

Saladin does brilliant job at giving historical figures modern clothing, hairstyles and makeup. She also shows them in places you'd find modern celebrities or politicians. Her modern version of Marie Antoinette appears to be posing for paparazzi her Mona Lisa is photographed on a busy city street.

Here's a sampling of some of Saladin's modern representations of historical figures.

Genghis Khan

  

King Henry VII

  

Agrippina the Younger

  

Queen Nefertiti

  

Ben Franklin

  

This article originally appeared on 2.27.20

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Health

Bill Maher says smartphones are deadlier for kids than school shooters. Where's the logic?

He supports taking phones away from kids at school.

via Warner Brothers PR and Pixabay/Pexels

Kids staring at their phones and HBO's Bill Maher.

The September 4th school shooting at Apalachee High School in Georgia that killed 2 students and 2 teachers prompted an interesting discussion about how to protect school children on the September 6th episode of HBO’s “Real Time with Bill Maher.”

In the wake of the tragedy, Maher was encouraged that the shooter’s father has been charged with murder for buying his 14-year-old son an AR-15 that may have been used in the shooting.

“It's America. So we had a school shooting. When schools go back into session and we're gonna have to talk about this 'cause it happens a few times every year. I think it's happened 45 times already this year, by the way. Here's the new wrinkle in this one. Now they're blaming the parents as I think they should,” Maher said on a segment featuring John Avlon, a Democrat running for Congress in New York’s First District and Rich Lowry, Editor-in-Chief of the conservative National Review.

Maher says that the shooter’s parents were “derelict” in their duty and extended that critique to those who let their kids bring smartphones to school. “And we can't also talk about taking phones away from kids in school. It's funny. I think the problem here is that parents just don't have the ability to say no to kids for anything,” Maher said to a big round of applause.



In a country where liberals and conservatives are at odds over gun control laws, Maher sees charging parents as a sensible, bipartisan way to improve the situation. He equated this to the recent rise in bipartisan laws nationwide that ban students from bringing their smartphones to class.

“This is an issue of bipartisan support,” Avlon said. “There shouldn't be smartphones in schools because nobody likes 'em. Not good for the kids, not good for the teachers, not good for learning. So that's an area where there is bipartisan agreement. Let's act on that. Let's keep advancing it.”

Studies show that since 2010, when smartphones became widely used by young people, the U.S., and other developed nations saw an astronomical spike in mental health problems, including self-harm, suicide, psychological distress, anxiety, and depression.



Smartphones and social media are also associated with bullying, decreased attention span, diminished social development and trouble with sleep. Collectively, these issues have resulted in an unprecedented mental health crisis.

A study by the Centers for Disease Control found that the suicide rate among young people rose 62% between 2007 and 2021. The problem has been especially bad for teenage girls, who are at higher risk of suicidal ideation and behaviors than their male counterparts. In 2021, 3 in 10 female high school students said they had seriously considered attempting suicide.

While there’s yet to be a study that confirms a direct, causal link between smartphone use and the dramatic rise in suicide among young people, studies show that when smartphone use is reduced, their mental health improves.

Maher made a bold point during the discussion that’s worth examining. He says the mental health problems caused by smartphones may pose a greater danger to America’s youth than school shootings.

“But a point to [Avalon’s] point about the guns being obviously more dangerous in the immediate than the phones. Yeah, true. But if you did a really long-term study, I mean over decades. I'm not sure that would come out that way because suicides alone caused by the phone. We know this happens; lots of other bad things happened because of that godd**n phone. And now, 9 states are on board with taking away the phone for the day.”



“I'm a Neanderthal on this,” Lowry added. “All screens are the enemy. They are distraction machines. Even if you're just sitting and watching TV all day, is that a happy person? No. And we've conducted this mass social psychological experiment on teens with social media. And it's been a disaster.”

It’s not fair to the victims of teen suicide or school shootings to say that one problem is greater than the other because the loss of every young life is an unquestionable tragedy. But when it comes to the space these issues occupy in the public consciousness, all 3 panelists agreed that we should treat mental health issues caused by smartphones as seriously as school shootings.

Every year, an average of 6,500 young Americans between the ages of 10 to 24 years old die by suicide. Over the past 10 years, an average of 38.5 Americans were murdered at the hands of school shooters every year.

The school shooting epidemic has inspired millions of Americans to take political action by backing gun control legislation and red flag laws. It has also deputized countless citizens to create school preparedness plans so that educators, students and law enforcement agencies have all the resources necessary to combat an active shooter situation. The problem persists, but concerted efforts are being made nationwide to make schools safer.

Smartphones don’t appear to be as dangerous as AR-15s, but their abuse can lead to the same devastating results. What if we take the same energy to help reduce suicide rates and improve mental health among young people by creating phone-free schools and childhoods that are more about sunshine than screen time?

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Mom gives back son's perfect attendance award to prove a simple point

"What on earth are we teaching our kids about value and worth?"

CDC/Unsplash and JE Theriot/Flickr

You remember what it was like as a kid.

At the end of every school year, there was a ceremony, or at least an announcement of some kind, where a handful of students would receive an award for "Perfect Attendance."

There was much applause and admiration for these heroic kids.

Maybe you got one of these awards yourself. Maybe you simply sat there feeling strangely bad about the one time you had a cold and had to stay home.

If only you had gutted through it, you could have had some of that applause, too.

Well, one mom has had enough of perfect attendance awards. In fact, when her son's school offered him one, they turned it down.

school bus on pathway Photo by Denisse Leon on Unsplash

In a post on her blog, U.K. mom and author Rachel Wright wrote about the experience and her reasoning behind the decision.

It might sound strange at first, but she makes a lot of great points. Her biggest gripe? Kids can't control who gets sick and when:

"In this family you are not shamed for ill health, vulnerability or weakness. In this house you are not encouraged to spread germs when you are not well. In this house we look after ourselves and the weakest amongst us," she writes.

"Can you imagine a work place that at the end of each week marked out all the people who hadn't been sick? Where all the departments with the least number of people off were rewarded — in front of everyone else?

"It happens in schools all the time.

"Can you imagine what kind of atmosphere that would create with people who had days off because of bereavement, mental health problem or chronic conditions? What on earth are we teaching our kids about value and worth? What are we teaching them about looking out for each other and looking after the sick or disabled in our community?"

Wright goes on: Most school-aged kids have very little control over whether they get to school.

female teacher standing in front of children Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash

Policies that reward kids for zero absences unfairly favor those of more privileged households.

After all, it's a heck of a lot easier to get to school amid rain and snow in Mommy's 4-wheel-drive SUV versus the public bus.

And kids with health problems or chronic illnesses? They don't stand a chance.

"He had no control over his attendance," Wright wrote. "I took him to school and it would have been my decision to keep him off. I should get the reward (or not) for his attendance."

The blog post has gone viral, with comments pouring in from parents around the world who share Wright's frustration for this arbitrary form of celebration.

"The worst time was in primary school when [my daughter] repeatedly 'lost' her class the class award, and was bullied because of it," wrote one mom.

"In a work place, this would never be acceptable, but we allow this to ... happen for our children," added another commenter.

While it's not a bad thing to celebrate kids for commitment and hard work at school, we ought to give some more thought to how we do it and whether we want our kids growing up believing that never taking a day off is something to aspire to.

The debate on the pros and cons of perfect attendance awards rages on, even in 2024.

Though anecdotally it feels like they're beginning to go out of style. After all, data shows that awards and certificates don't have a positive effect on absenteeism — and in fact can have the opposite effect!

In a world that lived through the 2020 COVID pandemic and lockdowns, it seems much smarter to let kids know: It's OK to take care of yourself when you're sick, it's important to stay home to stop the spread of germs, and yes, the occasional day off for your mental health isn't going to hurt anyone.

Kudos to Rachel Wright for kicking off a conversation that's finally beginning to make a difference.


This article originally appeared on 7.17.17

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