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Why you shouldn't put a time limit on someone's grief

Why you shouldn't put a time limit on someone's grief
Photo courtesy Myra Sack

Editor's Note: Recently it was reported that the DSM-5 would include a new diagnosis "prolonged grief disorder," likely opening up new pathways for treatment, including therapy and medication. The inclusion, which has been debated for decades, is considered highly controversial by critics who say it stigmatizes and further isolates those living with grief. The following op-ed is a response to the decision. Upworthy has not taken an official stance on the decision but is sharing this article as a means of furthering the discussion about mental health, grief and how we as a culture and community address such challenges.



Dear Beauty,

I wonder if they understand that the root of the word "care" is from an Old High German term chara, meaning grief or lament. If only our healthcare system would let us hold our sorrow and help us understand that it moves and changes as we try to move through life after losing someone we love, too soon, too young.

When you were diagnosed with a rare and fatal neurodegenerative disorder that we knew would destroy your mind and body, every assumption about what is right and natural and good in the world was shattered.

Despite having done extensive preconception genetic testing, a fatal mistake was made by a physician. The wrong test was ordered, and your dad‘s carrier status was misreported. Your life, the one that was supposed to be long and full and ever-changing, would last 12 to 18 more months if we were lucky. We’d never watch you grow-up. We’d never hear you talk. We’d never hold your hand to take a walk.

Today, 14 months after your death, the missing, the aching, the craving and the longing still exist just as much as it did on December 17, 2019, the day we learned you would die.

Now, the American Psychiatric Association has added prolonged grief disorder to the most recent version of Diagnostic Statistical Manual. Now, I live with the marker of a disorder. Am I grieving too long? Too deeply? Is it my fault that the world as I once knew it will never be the same again? Is it crazy that I don’t want it to be?



Am I disordered? Am I crazy when I walk our neighborhood streets with your sister and reach my hand down to squeeze the place where yours used to rest in the stroller? I write to you everyday in my journal and tell you all about the goings-on — does that mean I think I can talk to the dead? Would it even matter?

I think I’ll keep writing, if you are okay with that. It makes me feel close to you, even though I just wish you were here.

Love,


Mom

When parents of living children do whatever it takes every day to keep their children in the front row of their lives, does that mean they too are disordered? Should they be prescribed naltrexone so that they can “end their addiction” to their child?

We live in a world that is afraid of loss, afraid of death and afraid of the feelings that they stir up. For grieving people, this means it is not safe to share pain, it is not safe to be honest, it is not safe to be real. We are told we need to move on, readjust, find the silver lining and appreciate the life and people we have.

The thing is, living inside tragic loss allows grieving people to feel things on a different plane. Embodied grief is a portal to finding beauty in the mundane. And the thing is, when grieving people are allowed to feel for however long and in whatever way they need, they can become a superhuman. We can hold the deepest, darkest pain and offer the fiercest compassion. All in the same tear, all in the same smile.

But, if you tell us we are disordered, and you wave drugs in front of us before we know whether they are helpful or even necessary for us, we will hide and withdraw from the feelings that can bring so much richness to our lives, and to the people who are still here on this earth, and the ones who aren’t. If you take a look at the long arc of history, it’s those who have suffered and have found their voice that have made the world a better place.

So if not a diagnosis and medication what can we do for people who have lost a loved one?

We can help them remember their loved one, actively. We can say their name, celebrate their important dates and keep them present in daily life. Not only for one week, or one month, or one year, but forever. We can ask about who they were, what they loved and what made them smile. We can show up—when we’re asked, and sometimes when we’re not. We can send a text or a note when we see a beautiful flower or a red-tailed hawk that is a symbol of their loved one.

- We can honor them through microrituals—in our family this looks like dinner and dancing and song and poetry and tears and laughter every Friday night.

- We can read and get educated. Read "Bearing the Unbearable" by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, read "The Wild Edge of Sorrow" by Francis Weller. Watch videos and read articles on the Courageous Parents Network.

- We can sit by their side when they cry. We can hold their hand in those moments, instead of helping them reach for a bottle.

- We can ask, “What do you need to be OK, today?” and not be afraid of the answer.

I promise these simple actions work. They are the best medicine. This list really does go on and it doesn’t cost our country anything.

The medicalization or minimization of grief, however, could cost us our humanity.



partnerships

5 ways people are going "all in" this week

From the silliest to the most sentimental, there are so many ways people are going “all in” on the internet this week. Here are our five favorites.

True

There's something truly special about watching someone go "all in." This could mean throwing an elaborately themed birthday party for a Chihuahua (see below) or something a little simpler, like surprising someone with a long-anticipated birthday present. Whatever it is, going "all in" means total commitment—no holding back, no second-guessing, just passion and full-throttle enthusiasm. It means being fully present in the moment and creating something truly special as a result.

In this roundup, we’ve scoured the internet for the best examples of people going all in—those moments where passion, creativity, and total commitment take center stage. Some are silly, some are sentimental, but all of them are a reminder that giving 100% is the only way to truly leave a mark on this world. Buckle up—these folks didn’t just show up, they went all in.

1. The guy who learned Mandarin to propose

@yinrun_hello He secretly learned Chinese to Propose 😭😭😭 #fiance #proposal #engagement #love ♬ pluto projector - ☆

Talk about commitment. Getting married is the ultimate example of being "all in," but this guy takes it to a whole other level. Shared to social media by content creator Yinrun Huang, the emotional video captures a marriage proposal that's completely in Mandarin from a non-native speaker. That's right—this guy learned a whole language (and executed it pretty well) to win his girlfriend's hand in marriage. Not only are the words beautiful, his dedication is, too.

2. Kid-approved snacks that help local communities  

It’s scientifically proven that kids are brutally honest, unfiltered, and don’t hold back—which is why our friends at All In couldn’t resist sitting down with this group and getting their honest opinion. Are these snack bars really that good?

The Bite Size Board has spoken—and they’re all in. Not only are these snack bars delicious, they’re also an easy way to help people in need: Every time you buy a bar, 2% goes to a community to help them get fresh food.

Want to try these Board-approved treats? Snag a free box by signing up with your phone number on Aisle. Then grab two boxes of All In bars at Sprouts, snap a picture of your receipt, and text it through Aisle. They’ll Venmo or PayPal you back for the cost of one box. Easy and delicious.

3. This Chihuahua’s extravagant birthday bash

@phoebeparsons__ Tell me you’re a DINK family without telling me #chihuahua #dink #mexican ♬ EVERLASTING LOVE - GROWS

Do you love your dog? Would you throw a birthday party for them? How about a full-out celebration in a Mexican restaurant that includes banners, party hats, and the entire restaurant serenading him? Yeah, we thought not. These pet owners are absolutely "all in" on this dog's birthday, and we love to see it. Not only is this celebration extravagant and clearly well thought-out, people in the comments section are jokingly pointing out that taking a Chihuahua to a Mexican restaurant is a nod to the dog's cultural heritage. If that was intentional, this might be the best dog birthday party we've ever seen.

4. Truly unhinged (and maybe true?) Taylor Swift theories

@grindcitymedia did taylor swift drop super bowl hints? 😲 #swifties #nfl #taylorswift ♬ original sound - grindcitymedia

OK, whether you love Taylor Swift or not, you have to admit that her fans (known as “Swifties”) have an incredible commitment to the fandom (and an eye for detail). Case in point: Last week on her boyfriend’s podcast, Taylor announced the upcoming release of her new album, The Life of a Showgirl. The news was responsible for breaking the internet, and also for spurring a ton of fan theories about the future album and her future performances. In case you didn’t know, Swift is famous for dropping “Easter eggs” that hint at things she’ll be doing in the future, such as when she kept flashing peace signs and dropping the number 2 in her instagram posts in the weeks leading up to her double album “The Tortured Poets Department” in April 2024. This time, Swifties have taken to social media to discuss potential Easter eggs that were hidden throughout her podcast appearance. The latest theory? Her constant references to sourdough bread were actually Easter eggs hinting at a 2027 Super Bowl Halftime performance. Only time will tell if that's accurate, but the enthusiasm, the attention to detail, and the hours of research that must have gone into all these fan theories is truly something to behold.

5. This dirt bike birthday surprise 

@dmndboys_

This is why I look forward to fatherhood 🔥

♬ original sound - dmndboys_

These parents didn't give their kid a birthday present—they gave him the best birthday present of all time. Not only did the setup require a lot of thought and planning, but check out this kid's reaction. You can tell this was something he'd been wanting for a long time. Going "all out" and getting such a great response in return—it's something amazing to see.


Snag your free (!!) snack bars here while this deal lasts.

A young girl with her hand over her mouth.

Few things are more uncomfortable than sitting like a deer in the headlights while someone pushes you into an incredibly awkward conversation. Whether it’s a TMI (too much information) conversation or they want to talk about politics or religion, it’s hard to tell someone that a subject is off-limits.

However, in a viral Instagram post, Charisse Sims makes an essential point about these awkward situations: it will be uncomfortable whether you tell them to change the subject or if you have to sit through the conversation. So, it’s better to take the option that’s less hurtful to you. Sims is a mother of six and the host of the Parenting for the Culture podcast. She is also an awarded Educator by PBS and PBS Kids and founder of The Sims Library of Poetry.

How do you leave uncomfortable conversations?

She shared the advice while talking to her nine-year-old daughter, who she could tell felt very awkward about a recent conversation. “Immediately, when she started having that conversation, I could see on your face that you felt uncomfortable,” Sims told her daughter in an Instagram Reel. “When you have that feeling, your response to them should be, ‘I feel uncomfortable in this conversation. Let's talk about something else.”

Sims then asked her daughter to repeat the phrase a few times to burn it into her brain for when she needed it. Her daughter then admitted that telling someone to change the conversation would be difficult. Most people probably agree that telling people you’d like to change the subject is uncomfortable.

However, Sims makes a great point: you will be uncomfortable both ways, so choose the one that best suits you.

“Which one is a longer discomfort, taking 10 seconds to say, ‘I feel uncomfortable in this conversation. Can we talk about something else?” Sims asked. “Or, sitting in a 20- to 30-minute conversation that you feel uncomfortable in?”

stop, woman, woman says stop, talk to hand, hand out, stop hand, conversation, awkward A woman holding her hand out saying "stop." via Canva/Photos

“It is uncomfortable telling people stop. It is uncomfortable being like, ‘I don't really like what you're doing,’ because you're worried you're going to hurt their feelings, and you want them to like you,” Sims continued. “But it's also uncomfortable to sit there and be uncomfortable for a long time. So choose your discomfort, and choose the one that's going to help you, not hurt you.”

Candace Smith, an etiquette expert, says it’s also helpful if you have another topic on deck that the person may be interested in to make the transition smoother for both parties. “When you think it’s time to let the other person know you will change the subject, be positive, and smile. Keep your eye contact warm and direct,” she says, before giving an example: “I’m going to change our subject here. Let’s talk about something cool like the Marvel movie!”

shhh, shush, finger over mouth, girl saying quiet, end of conversation, finger over mouth A young girl making a "quiet" motion. via Canva/Photos

Sims' advice is important because it’s something that all of us, adults included, could use next time they are forced into an uncomfortable situation. Her advice is a great tool for making sound decisions when we feel awkward and unable to think on our feet. “I wish when I was growing up, I was taught more how to navigate tricky situations rather than just being told to stay out of them,” Sims wrote in her post. “As simple as that is, It’s not always that easy. Our children need more support and actual practice navigating these awkward situations.”

This article originally appeared in April.

While astronomer Carl Sagan would likely be the first to scoff at the idea of him being a fortune teller, the man certainly had a prescient way of looking ahead during his lifetime. Sagan was the original host of "Cosmos" back in 1980 and it became the most watched show in public television history. Few science communicators have been able to match his talent for stoking wonder about the universe and our place in it.

Shortly before his death in 1996, Sagan appeared on "Charlie Rose" and made a dire warning about how the average Americans' lack of skeptical, scientific thinking could lead to disastrous consequences.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Today, we can see the problems that are happening due to America's anti-science streak whether it's anti-vaxxers, conspiracy theories or climate change deniers. Sagan was right, America will suffer due to a lack a lack of scientific skepticism.

"We've arranged a society on science and technology in which nobody understands anything about science and technology, and this combustible mixture of ignorance and power sooner or later is going to blow up in our faces," he told Rose. "I mean, who is running the science and technology in a democracy if the people don't know anything about it?"

science, bill nye, science education, skepticism, carl sagain We need science education for a functioning democracy. Giphy

He then warned that our lack of critical thinking leaves us vulnerable to those who wish to exploit our ignorance.

"Science is more than a body of knowledge, it's a way of thinking," he says. "A way of skeptically interrogating the universe with a fine understanding of human fallibility. If we are not able to ask skeptical questions to interrogate those who tell us that something is true, to be skeptical of those in authority, then we're up for grabs for the next charlatan—political or religious—who comes ambling along."

Sagan believes that a democracy cannot function without an educated populace.

education, critical thinking, learning, science, technology Education is key to critical thinking. Giphy

"It's a thing that Jefferson lay great stress on. It wasn't enough, he said, to enshrine some rights in the Constitution and the Bill or Rights, the people had to be educated and they have to practice their skepticism and their education," he says. "Otherwise, we don't run the government, the government runs us."

Part the problem we face in the present is that what constitutes education, including science and technology education, is being debated at the highest levels. Institutions of higher learning are undergoing attacks by the government, traditional education is being devalued by powerful parts of the political world, and positions that were traditionally filled by public servants with credentialed expertise are now being filled by political loyalists instead.

Critical thinking has also taken a beating. People believe themselves to be "critical thinkers" simply because they go against scientific consensus, but that's not how critical thinking and skepticism really work. When political ideologies take precedence over genuine scientific inquiry and investigation, we all lose out.

carl sagan, science, education, brain, critical thinking Carl Sagan was ahead of his time. Giphy

Some might even say we've already reached the place Sagan tried to warn us about. Of course, that's up for debate as well, but regardless, Sagan certainly seemed to have his finger on the pulse of humanity's tendencies. Hopefully people will heed his words and put science education in its rightful place as part of a thriving democracy..

This article originally appeared five years ago.

A Wollemi pine and one of its cones.

As the old adage goes, money doesn’t grow on trees. However, what if you had a tree that was so rare that people would spend good money for its seeds? Then you could honestly say that you have a money tree growing in your yard. Such is the case for a retired couple in England, Pamela and Alistair Thompson, both 75, who in 2010 paid £70 ($98) for a 46cm-tall Wollemi pine sapling that a friend bought on the Shopping Channel. It’s believed that it was the first ever endangered tree species to be protected by making it available to the general public.

What is the Wollemi pine?

The Wollemi pine is valuable because it appears in the fossil record as far back as 200 million years ago and was thought to have gone extinct about 70 to 90 million years back. However, in 1994, a bushwalker in Australia came across a Wollemi pine in a secluded gorge. Biologically, it was a discovery as significant as coming across a living dinosaur in a hidden part of Australia in the ‘90s.

Wollemi is an Australian Aboriginal word that means "watch out—look around you."

wollemi pine, endangered trees, australian trees, seattle, washington, rare trees A Wollemi pine in Seattle, Washington. via Brewbooks/Wikimedia Commons


The tree may have made its way to Eurpoe, but the wild trees are under threat from wildfires and climate change. It’s believed that only about 90 exist in the wild today. In 2006, it made its European debut when Sir David Attenborough planted one at the Royal Botanic Gardens in Kew. “How exciting we should discover this rare survivor from such an ancient past,” Attenborough said.

After 15 years of special care, the Thompson’s tree began to bear fruit for the first time in August 2025. “This year has been so ­unusually dry, it happened earlier,” she said, according to The Times. The couple now plans to package the valuable seeds from the tree and give the money to the National Garden Scheme. The National Garden Scheme is a government program where people open their gardens up to the general public, and the money that is generated is donated to the Queen’s Nursing Institute.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

How much does a Wollemi pine cost?

“I saw a small tree for sale for more than £1,000 ($1352), which shows how rare they are. We’re planning to package the seeds five or six at a time and sell the bundles online for £5 ($6.76). We’ve seen some retailers sell them for much more, but we want to make them accessible for people, as well as raise money for charity. We don’t yet know how many will be healthy and produce trees. Only time will tell.”

"We have around five large cones, which have produced about a hundred or so large seeds each. It would be lovely to see just how many seeds we can produce, but I have been very surprised by the numbers so far this year,” she said, according to Unilad. So, if you do the math, 100 seed packs at $6.76 each would go for $676. Not bad for just collecting seeds.

But they could make a lot more money off the seeds if they chose to do so. It’s believed that one seed can go for as much as £10 ($13.52). If they sold all 500 seeds produced by the five cones, they'd make $6,760.

This tree could net them thousands of dollars a year in perpetuity. “It really does prove that money can grow on trees,” Mr. Thompson said, according to The Times.

wollemi pine, endangered trees wollemi pine cone, australia trees, money tree, dinosaur tree A female Wollemi pine cone.via Adrian198cm/Wikimedia Commons

Preserving the Wollemi pine for the future

In 2023, over 170 young Wollemi pines grown by the Botanic Gardens of Sydney, in Australia, were shipped to be planted in 28 botanic gardens with climates that could support the pines, across the UK and Europe. One Wollemi was sent to Atlanta, Georgia, in the U.S.

“Discovering the lost Wollemi pines in the wild was a truly astounding moment for international tree conservation, and to be a leading partner nearly thirty years later in launching this important new metacollection on UK soil is an exciting moment for Forestry England,” Mike Seddon, Forestry England Chief Executive, said in a press release. “As we care for the Wollemi pines we plant today, we’ll be able to study the way they grow, learning with the other botanic gardens how they flourish outside Australia. The climate crisis means that across all continents, many trees like Wollemi pines are facing urgent threats to their survival. We know that 34 per cent of conifers are now endangered, and our ongoing work to research, propagate, and save tree species is more vital than ever.”

A UPS driver on a phone call.

Certain professions have an inside look at the economy because they’re on the ground floor and see things change firsthand. For example, the advertising business knows that a recession is coming six months ahead of time, and realtors often get a good idea of how the economy is changing before the shock hits everyone else.

Delivery drivers are another group of people who can get a good idea of how the average person is doing. They have more packages to deliver when the economy is doing well and fewer when things take a turn for the worse. That’s why a TikTok by UPS driver Donate McCauley (@dontaymccauley) has so many views. After delivering Christmas packages, he thinks things are going well for most people at the end of 2024.

“I thought everybody was broke. I thought we were trending towards a recession, and y’all been complaining all year about finances, and y'all say that until Christmas,” the UPS driver said in a video with over 100,000 views.

@dontaymccauley

credit card debt going crazy. #ups #peakseason #Texas #foryoupage

“I see y'all actually do got money. And y'all making us pay, for every house got, like, 3, 4 packages. I'm loaded up,” McCauley continued. “Every day I'm going out with 400 packages on this truck, and y'all killing us, man, give us a break. But I thought you ain't have no money, though?”

Was the U.S. economy good or bad in 2024?

The post received many comments; some said they are having difficulty getting by this year, while others say they are doing pretty well these days. It’s another example of the lukewarm way that people have viewed the U.S. economy since the COVID-19 pandemic subsided.

“Broke as in it costing me a whole helluva lot more to live than it should. I will always have money for Christmas one way or another,” Lisa Marie wrote. “We’re using After Pay. I did LOL,” Juanita added.

“I have been saying this ALL YEAR. Every restaurant, every tourist attraction, special event, and retail store is PACKED most of the time in my small ‘poor’ city,” SteelersGirl wrote. “I said this to my husband a few weeks ago. Everywhere I go, people are buying stuff. Car dealership was packed last week, too. The economy seems ok,” Wiat What wrote.

Another delivery driver chimed in, and she shared McCauley's sentiment. “USPS here. I have been saying this for the last year,” ChicagoGirl wrote.

ups truck, ups, package delivery, brown truck, ups truck parked, delivery truck A parked UPS truck.via Mike Mozart/Flickr

Did Americans spend more in 2024 on Christmas?

The confused delivery driver who says that people are saying one thing but spending in another tracks a pre-election poll. A survey taken in September 2024 found that 62% of respondents said the economy was weak, while 38% said it was strong.

Regardless of how individuals feel about the economy, the numbers don’t lie. 2024 was a strong holiday season for retailers. Visa says that spending is up this holiday season 4.8% over 2023. "This holiday shopping season, we’re seeing increasing consumer confidence as people sought out in-store experiences – and went online – to purchase gifts and celebrate the holidays with friends and family,” Wayne Best, chief economist at Visa, said in a statement. “This spending growth demonstrates the adaptability of both consumers and retailers and the overall strength of the economy.”


What will Christmas spending be like in 2025?

This year's Christmas season is expected to be less robust than last year's. Inflation, tighter credit lines, and tariff pressures mean that, according to Zeta, there will be a 27% drop in American shoppers looking to spend $1,000 or more during the holiday season. There has also been a 2% increase in those who say that they will spend less than $100 (34% up from 32%). The bottom line is that consumers will be more deliberate about their spending this holiday season, and more people will be seeking discounts.

This article originally appeared last year and was updated.

A teenage boy stares at his smartphone.

Studies show that kids are spending a lot less time reading these days. In 2020, 42% of nine-year-old students said they read for fun almost daily, down from 52% in 2012. Seventeen percent of 13-year-olds read for fun daily, down from 27% in 2012. Among 17-year-olds, 19% say they read for fun, down from 31% in 1984.

It’s safe to say that modern technology is a big reason why kids aren’t reading as much. A recent report found that teenagers spend an average of eight hours and thirty-nine minutes per day on screens, compared to five and a half hours for pre-teen children. So, it’s no wonder they don’t have any time left to crack open a book. In December 2024, Ms. C, a high school teacher on TikTok who goes by the name @stillateacher, brought the topic up with her class and learned they stopped reading for fun at the end of middle school.

reading, kids, middle school, teens, tweens Read The Middle GIF Giphy

“So, even those who are like avid readers of the Percy Jackson series in fourth and fifth grade fall off,” the teacher says. “Honestly, there are many reasons to stop reading recreationally, like increased pressure inside and outside of school, a desire to spend more time socializing, and, of course, the phones.”

But the teacher says there’s an obvious reason “right in front of our faces”: the adults. “Adults have lowered the bar for how much you should read as a teenager so far that the bar cannot be found,” she continued. “There are many educators who have the mindset that you shouldn't teach whole books because kids just won't read them.”

@stillateacher

the literacy crisis is upon us #teachertok #teacher #highschoolteacher #englishteacher #education #literacy #booktok #creatorsearchinsights


“I've taught at schools where teaching novels is actually discouraged,” she continued. “And I have conversations with teachers in other content areas who say that they themselves never read books, that they don't think it's important for students' long-term success. All this said, it is not entirely surprising that high schoolers don't wanna read.”

How does reading benefit kids?

kids, reading, books, literacy, reading for fun, reading for pleasure Kids reading. via Canva/Photos

The significant decrease in the number of children who read for fun means that many will miss out on the incredible benefits of regularly curling up for a good book. Studies show that children who read for pleasure enjoy improved cognitive performance, language development, and academic achievement. Reading is also linked to fewer mental health problems, less screen time, and more sleep. Findings suggest that kids get the optimal benefits of reading when they do it for around 12 hours a week.

“You forgot empathy,” one commenter added. “People who read are better at empathizing because they have been able to put themselves in the shoes of others and learn about different perspectives, people, cultures, experiences.”

And @stillateacher has seen these incredible benefits first-hand. “But I'm telling you, the handful of kids I teach who do read are built different. Kids who read have stronger critical thinking skills, more success across all academic areas, and, honestly, just a stronger sense of self. Because reading helps you figure out who you are as a person,” the teacher said.

The decline in young people's reading is a serious problem that must be addressed. So, it’s terrific that the teacher used her platform on TikTok to bring it to the public’s attention. Interestingly enough, she says that TikTok is one of the few platforms encouraging kids to read.

“And honestly, thank goodness for BookTok because I think it is one of the only drivers of adolescent reading that still exists,” she concluded her post. “Isn't that sad? Like, the schools aren't doing it, TikTok's doing it. We gotta start a movement here.”

This story originally appeared last year.