+
“A balm for the soul”
  review on Goodreads
GOOD PEOPLE Book
upworthy

A Chronically Single Person Asked Dan Savage For Relationship Advice. Here's His No-Nonsense Reply.

Sex columnist Dan Savage was at a speaking engagement and received this question from an audience member: "I can't stay interested in a guy for longer than two months. What is wrong with me? I find a flaw and can't get over it. For example, if a guy chews with his mouth open, I could never see him again." Here's his no-holds-barred response.


Boston Public Library


"There is no settling down without some settling for. There is no long-term relationship without not just putting up with your partner's flaws, but accepting them and then pretending they aren't there. And we like to call it, in my house, 'paying the price of admission.' ...

Your boyfriend who chews with his mouth open, you can say, 'Chew with your fucking mouth shut,' and hopefully he'll get there. But if he never does, him chewing with his mouth open might be the price of admission. ...

And you can't have a long-term relationship with someone unless you're willing to identify the things, you know, the prices of admission you're willing to pay, and the ones you're not. But the ones you're not, the list of things you're not willing to put up with, you really have to be able to count it on one hand. And it can't be superficial bullshit like chews with the mouth open.

When we were young, we had to say, you know, there's someone out there who's perfect for me. ...


Wikimedia Commons

'The one' doesn't fucking exist. 'The one' is a lie. But the beautiful part of the lie is that it's a lie you can tell yourself.

A long-term relationship that's successful is really a myth that two people create together ... and myths are built of lies. There's usually some kernel of truth.

My boyfriend and I have a relationship built on a solid foundation of lies and deceit. When you think about it, you meet somebody for the first time, and they're not presenting, you know, their warts-and-all self to you. They're presenting their idealized self to you. They are leading with their best. ... And then eventually you're farting in front of each other.

Eventually you get to see the person who is behind that facade of their best. ... And they get to see the person behind your facade. You know, your lie self.

And what's beautiful about a long-term relationship, and what can be transformative about it, is I pretend every day that my boyfriend is the lie that I met when I first met him. And he does the same favor to me.

And we then are obligated to live up to the lies we told each other about who we are. We are then forced to be better people than we actually are, because it's expected of us by each other.


Wikimedia Commons

And you can, in a long-term relationship, really make your lie self come true. ...

And that's the only way you become 'the one.' It's because somebody who is willing to pretend you are 'the one' that they were waiting for, 'the one' they wanted. Their 'one.'

Because you're not. Nobody is.

No two people are perfect for each other. Ever. Period."

This may come off a lot more grating than it actually is, but Savage's delivery makes a big difference. Here's a video of the full response:

Pets

Man jumps out of his car with a puppy in the most adorable red-light moment ever recorded

"I JUST WITNESSED THE PUREST THING EVER."

via Celina Romera / Flickr

When you see someone jump out of their car at a red light to talk with another motorist, usually it's bad news. Most of the time, it's the moment when road rage gets personal.

But 26-year-old Celina Romera caught video of probably one of the most adorable red-light interactions between motorists on December 15 in Tampa, Florida.

In the video, an unidentified man pops out of his car at a stoplight with a darling puppy in his hand. In the other car, a big German Shepherd pops his head out and the two dogs exchange kisses.

"I JUST WITNESSED THE PUREST THING EVER," Romera wrote on Facebook.

After the light changes, the man with the puppy gently walks back to the car. In the video Romera can be heard saying, "It's okay, man. Take your time."

One could imagine that the dogs were barking at each other before the video began.Then, the owner of the puppy thought it was okay for the two dogs to meet. The American Kennel Club says that barking between dogs is a pretty crude way to communicate.

However, it is part of a host of messages that dogs send to one another.

The job of a dog's owner is to determine if the dogs are ready to share a sniff or of one is fearful.

"The combination of barking, body language, and approach-avoidance behavior gives away the fearful dog's motivation, even to us relatively uneducated body-language readers," the Club says on its blog.

The original video Romera posted has been shared over 120,000 times.

The heartwarming video is a reminder that nothing can bring two strangers and millions of Facebook viewers together quite like dogs.


This article originally appeared on 12.16.19


From Your Site Articles
man in car puppy
Parenting

When a Patagonia employee breastfed her baby in a meeting her male VP's response was a masterclass in workplace values

Talk about a "family-friendly workplace."

Holly Morissette/LinkedIn

Years after it happened, Patagonia's approach to the "family-friendly workplace" is a whole new level that still deserves our attention - and praise.

The outdoor clothing and gear company has made a name for itself by putting its money where its mouth is. From creating backpacks out of 100% recycled materials to donating their $10 million tax cut to fight climate change to refusing to sell to clients who harm the environment, Patagonia leads by example.

That dedication to principle is clear in its policies for parents who work for them, as evidenced by a 2019 viral post from Holly Morisette, a recruiter at Patagonia.

Morisette wrote on LinkedIn:

"While nursing my baby during a morning meeting the other day after a recent return from maternity leave, our VP (Dean Carter) turned to me and said...'There is no way to measure the ROI on that. But I know it's huge.'

It got me thinking...with the immense gratitude that I have for on-site childcare at Patagonia comes a responsibility to share a 'call to action'. A PSA to tout the extraordinary benefits that come along with not asking employees to make the gut wrenching decision to either leave their jobs or leave their babies. TO HAVE TO LEAVE THEIR JOBS OR LEAVE THEIR BABIES. That perhaps just one person will brave the subject with their employer (big or small) in the hopes that it gets the wheels turning to think differently about how to truly support working families.

That with a bit of creativity, and a whole lot of guts, companies can create a workplace where mothers aren't hiding in broom closets pumping milk, but rather visiting their babies for large doses of love and serotonin before returning to their work and kicking ass.

It's no wonder that Patagonia has 100% retention of moms. Keeping them close to their babies keeps them engaged. And engaged mothers (and fathers!) get stuff done. Thank you, Patagonia, for leading the way. "


Holly Morissette on LinkedIn: "While nursing my baby during a morning meeting the other day after a recent return from maternity leave, our VP (Dean Carter) turned to me and said..."There is no way to measure the ROI on that. But I know it's huge." It got me thinking...with the immense gratitude that I have for on-site childcare at Patagonia comes a responsibility to share a “call to action". A PSA to tout the extraordinary benefits that come along with not asking employees to make the gut wrenching decision to either leave their jobs or leave their babies. TO HAVE TO LEAVE THEIR JOBS OR LEAVE THEIR BABIES. That perhaps just one person will brave the subject with their employer (big or small) in the hopes that it gets the wheels turning to think differently about how to truly support working families. That with a bit of creativity, and a whole lot of guts, companies can create a workplace where mothers aren't hiding in broom closets pumping milk, but rather visiting their babies for large doses of love and serotonin before returning to their work and kicking ass. It's no wonder that Patagonia has 100% retention of moms. Keeping them close to their babies keeps them engaged. And engaged mothers (and fathers!) get stuff done. Thank you, Patagonia, for leading the way. " www.linkedin.com


Just the first eight words of Morisette's post are extraordinary. "While nursing my baby during a morning meeting..."

As if that's totally normal. As if everyone understands that working moms can be much more engaged and efficient in their jobs if they can feed their baby while they go over sales figures. As if the long-held belief that life and work must be completely separate is a construct that deserves to be challenged.

And then the comment from her male colleague about the ROI (Return on Investment) of breastfeeding—witty, considering the time and place, and yet so supportive.

On-site childcare so that parents don't have to choose between leaving their jobs or leaving their babies. Letting life integrate with work so that working families don't have to constantly feel torn in two different directions. Flexibility in meetings and schedules. Allowing for the natural rhythms and needs of breastfeeders. Making childcare as easy and accessible as possible so that employees can be more effective in their jobs.

All of this seems so profoundly logical, it's a wonder that more companies have not figured this out sooner. Clearly, it works. I mean, who has ever heard of a 100% retention rate for mothers?

Patagonia's got it goin' on. Let's hope more companies take their lead.


This article originally appeared on 8.16.19

From Your Site Articles
breastfeeding
Parenting

Man asks how to help his wife who works full-time with a baby at home and keeps getting the same answer

More and more families are trying to scrape by — by trying to do it all

Photo by Katie Emslie on Unsplash

There are times in parenting where you just feel kind of useless.

You can't carry the baby, take a late-night breastfeeding shift, or absorb any of the pain and discomfort of childbirth.

Sometimes the best you can do is to try to take care of your partner.

That's what brought user u/DietyBeta to the AskParents subreddit with a well-meaning question.

"My wife watches our 1yo, works, and is 12 week pregnant. How can I make her daily life easier while I'm away at work?"

He says that when he gets home from work, he takes over all parenting and homemaking duties.

But yeesh! That's still... a lot to handle. No wonder his wife is stressed out.

A few folks chimed in to pat the OP on the back. After all, it's great to see a dad who realizes how much is falling on mom's shoulders and actively looking for ways to lighten the load!

Some helpful suggestions rolled in, like taking over meal prep and making her easy lunches to heat up, hiring cleaners, or paying someone to walk the dogs.

woman in black shirt lying on couch Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash


But then even more people came in to the comments asking the same question over and over: If mom is working, why isn't the 1-year-old in daycare?

u/young-mommy wrote: "Is the one year old in daycare? If not, I would start there. Working from home with a child gets harder and harder as they enter toddlerhood"

u/min2themax said: "It’s nice of you to be asking how to help her but she really is getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop here. It sounds like she is literally always working or parenting. Sometimes both at the same time. Walking the dogs and making her lunches and prepping meals and doing laundry is all well and good but this is not at all sustainable."

u/alternative-box3260 said: "Have the one year old in daycare. I was in a similar situation and it’s impossible. I was able to breath after that, not before."

And u/sillychihuahua26 wrote: "She’s caring for your 1.year old while working? That’s a horrible plan. You guys need childcare like yesterday."

We have a legitimate childcare crisis in our country, and stories like this one really bring it to life.

Childcare in the United States isn't nearly accessible or affordable enough for most families. Period.

ChildCare Aware found that that average cost of childcare in 2022 was $10,853 per year, or roughly 10% of a median family income (in 2024, it's likely even more than that — yet the actual workers at childcare centers are somehow severely underpaid).

But even that eye-popping number is conservative. Anyone who lives anywhere close to a city (or in California or New York) knows the number will be way higher. It's just not feasible for most families to put their child, let alone multiple children, in full-time care while they're young.

And yet! The percentage of households with two parents working full-time has been rising for decades. Life is more expensive than ever, and the extra income from two working parents really helps, even if it's offset by those child care costs.

More and more families are trying to scrape by — by trying to do it all

woman in white shirt sitting on brown wooden armchair Photo by Keren Fedida on Unsplash

Now we don't know whether the OP's family can afford childcare for their 1-year-old or not, although in a later update to the post he wrote:

"As far as daycare, she doesn't want to because she feels like she would be missing out on the time"

So even if you can afford childcare, there's the still the crushing guilt of shipping your child off to be raised by strangers to deal with! Classic.

(Take one guess who shoulders most of the daycare guilt — dads or moms?)

The work-from-home revolution has been a Godsend for parents in certain ways — flexibility, balance, less commuting time — but its also saddled many of them with double duty.

'Hey how about you work full-time because we need the money AND keep an eye on the kids, since you're home anyway!'

But it doesn't work like that, and trying to do both is crushing modern parents.

In fact, the Surgeon General of the United States just put out an official advisory based on the plummeting mental state of today's parents.

We know parents are having a hard time and that it's getting picked up in the national conversation. But hearing about a mom working full-time with a 1-year-old on her hip while pregnant, and a dad stuck working out of the house who's at a total loss for how to make things better really paints a pretty bleak picture.

No one should have to work full-time and parent full-time, at the same time.

A fridge full of microwavable lunches and a fleet of dog walkers isn't going to make it any better until things start changing from the very top.

From Your Site Articles
parenting
Schools

Elementary teacher explains why we can't keep using schools as band-aids for society's ills

"We now need schools to reopen so that kids can eat, get healthcare, get clothes, shoes, and school supplies, be safe, be healthy, and be supervised. Oh, and so that they can get an education."

Photo by Feliphe Schiarolli on Unsplash

The challenges facing America's public school systems is sadly nothing new to any parent who has navigated the ups and downs of looking after their child's educations. There are wildly different solutions, and pain points, for people of all backgrounds and views. But one undeniable factor is how an increasing burden is placed on teachers and schools themselves. We all know America's schools need to do better for the future adults of our society but the only thing we seem to have silently agreed upon is to avoid addressing the problems at hand.

A 2020 Facebook post by an award-winning teacher from Iowa, Alison Hoeman, has beautifully explained how society has dumped most of its failings onto the shoulders of schools and teachers. These challenges became heightened during the peak of the Coronavirus lockdowns but remain just as strikingly relevant today.


Hoeman wrote on Facebook:

"Society: In the richest country in the world, between 11 and 13 million children live in food insecure homes.

Schools: We can help..... Kids can eat breakfast and lunch at school, and in many places, teachers will spend their own money on snacks. For the most needy, we will send food home for dinner and weekends.

Society: Over 4 million children in the US do not have health insurance or adequate healthcare.

Schools: We can help..... we will bring doctors to do free physicals, eye exams, and dental treatments right at school. In many places, school nurses will spend their own money on sanitary supplies for girls.

Society: Over 17% of US children live without basic necessities.

Schools: We can help.... we will install washers and dryers in schools. We will hand out clothes, school supplies, shoes, and winter coats for free. Many of these items are purchased by school nurses and teachers.


man in black shirt sitting beside woman in white shirt Photo by Saúl Bucio on Unsplash

Society: There are 5.5 million reports annually of physical abuse, sexual abuse, and neglect of minors.

Schools: We can help.... schools will be safe places and teachers will be safe people. We will have some counselors, but not enough.... some therapists, but not enough, right in the schools. Teachers with minimal training in trauma will come to school early and stay late to mentor these children. Teachers will spend more time with their students than with their own children. Teachers will cry and sometimes crumble at the thought of not being able to do more for the innocent children in their care.

Society: Almost 25% of US children have parents that work past school hours.

Schools: We can help.... we will install before and after school programs in thousands of schools where kids can get another meal, get help with their homework, and participate in organized activities.

Society: Almost 14 million children in the US are obese.

Schools: we can help... Physical Education classes will be mandatory and we will incorporate lessons about healthy food choices.

Society: The US averages one school shooting every 77 days.


woman standing in front of children Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash

School: We can help... we will do lock down drills and train our students to hide and be quiet. And if need be, teachers will literally die for their students.

Society: We are in the midst of a global pandemic which our government has failed to control. Almost 130,000 Americans are dead and the numbers are rising, not declining, in many places. Because we have chosen to ignore, for decades, the racism, inequality, and discrimination that is at the root of all the aforementioned problems, we now need schools to reopen so that kids can eat, get healthcare, get clothes, shoes, and school supplies, be safe, be healthy, and be supervised. Oh, and so that they can get an education. It appears that COVID doesn't affect children, so let's go back to school.

Teachers: We can help.... of course we will help, that's what we do. We miss our students and want to be back at school with them.... but what about the 25-30% of us that are over the age of 50? What about those of us who are immunocompromised or live with someone who is? What about those of us who are pregnant... we still have very limited data on what COVID does to unborn children. Will you have PPE for us? Will you have hand sanitizer for us? What if we get sick, and don't have enough sick days to cover the time that we are out? What if a family member gets sick and we need to care for them?

Society: Wow, why are you suddenly being a bunch of crybabies? Before you were always willing to sacrifice your time, your money, your mental health.... and now when we need you, you aren't willing to sacrifice your health and possibly your life? But 75% of you are women.... and that's what we, as a society, expect women to do... sacrifice yourself for others.


girl sitting on chair Photo by Yogendra Singh on Unsplash

* For decades, schools and teachers have been the band-aid on society's failings, because we care about children.... because we know that in society's failings, it is almost always the children that suffer the most. Schools and teachers are not responsible for, or capable of, the repair of our broken America. Make no mistake that going back to school has very little to do with education and much more to do with the other social services that schools provide... we need children's to return to school so that they are fed, cared for, and supervised... so that their parents can go back to work and participate in the economy. While it literally breaks the heart of every teacher in America to think of all of the children that they know who are not eating enough, not being well cared for, and not safe in their home, teachers will not be the lambs sent to slaughter because no one else cared enough to actually address the racism, discrimination, and inequality that is at the root of our problems, while schools and teachers were picking up all the slack and holding it all together with a band-aid that is growing very thin."

Since everything is already turned upside down anyway, perhaps now would be a good opportunity for us to reexamine how we as a society—one with a "government of the people, by the people, and for the people"—handles issues like hunger, poverty, child abuse, health and healthcare, working parents balancing childcare, etc. The fact that we've tacitly decided to address these problems through underfunded school systems with overworked teachers and school personnel is rather ridiculous. It's not fair to teachers, parents, or kids to expect schools to fix everything. It's high time to tackle our ills head on, with resources and experience and expertise that makes sense, and stop treating gaping holes with bandaids that weren't designed for such a purpose in the first place.


This article originally appeared on 7.10.20

From Your Site Articles
coronavirus
Health

Goodbye BMI. Body Roundness Index doesn’t use weight and may become the new measurement.

BMI has had its detractors for a long time.

via Andres Ayrton/Pexels

A woman measuring her waist.

Since the 1980s, Body Mass Index (BMI) has been one of the most popular ways for healthcare workers to determine someone’s overall health, but it has plenty of detractors. The index has been called everything from inaccurate and misleading to racist, sexist and fatphobic.

Others find it useful as a quick and easy calculation for an overall health assessment. “Doctors have to take a bigger, broader picture,” Dr. Justin Ryder, associate professor of pediatrics and Northwestern University, told CNN. “They should look at their adult patient and not just say, ‘OK, your BMI is 31, you need to lose weight,’ as that’s not necessarily the answer all the time.”

However, this debate may be over soon after the development of the BRI, or Body Roundness index. Researchers say the index is a more accurate way to determine a person’s health because it emphasizes belly fat more and doesn’t require weighing the patient.



First, look at BMI and why some people have a problem with it.

What is Body Mass Index (BMI)

BMI was introduced in the early 19th century by Lambert Adolphe Jacques Quetelet, a Belgian mathematician who created the measurement to measure obesity for the government. The calculation is pretty simple: divide weight in pounds by height in inches squared and multiply by a conversion factor of 703.

The result puts people in one of 4 categories:

• Underweight – a BMI of less than 18.5

• Normal – a BMI between 18.5 and 24.9

• Overweight – a BMI between 25.0 and 29.9

• Obese – a BMI of 30 or above

weight, bmi, scalesA woman steps onto a scale.via SHVETS production/Pexels

The big critique of this measurement is that it doesn’t take muscle mass into consideration and muscles weigh more than fat. Therefore, a bodybuilder who is very lean can have a high BMI that incorrectly suggests they are overweight.

The measurement has also been called sexist because women tend to have more fat tissue than men. It’s also been accused of being racist because it was developed on Anglo-Saxon men and studies have found that people of various ethnic backgrounds are healthier at different BMIs.

Kimberlydawn Wisdom, MD, MS, FACEP, the Senior Vice President of Community Health & Equity for Henry Ford Health, says that BMI can also promote eating disorders and weight bias.



What is Body Roundness Index (BRI)

The BRI was first introduced in 2013, and it takes into account one’s height, waist circumference, and sometimes hip circumference for calculation. “It has to do with geometry. So if you look at Body Mass Index, you can come up with a geometrical explanation,” Diana M. Thomas, PhD, a Professor of Mathematics at the United States Military Academy at West Point and author of the first paper outlining the index, told Healthline. “With BMI you’re actually using just two measurements. You’re using weight and height. In the Body Roundness Index, we’re using a few more measurements on the human body to capture that shape.”

Researchers believe that measuring a person’s waist better reflects the body's fat amount than their weight. “By taking weight out of the equation, BRI provides a better indicator of how much belly fat (visceral fat) surrounds the organs inside the abdomen. High amounts of belly fat are linked to high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, and some cancers,” Matthew Solan writes at Harvard Health.

A study that followed 33,000 people found that increased BRI is associated with a risk of death compared to those with a lower BRI. For example, those with a BRI of 6.9 had a greater risk of early death than those with a lower BRI of 4.5 to 5.5. Further, those who are older and have lower BRIs (less than 3.4) have a significant risk of death because they may be malnourished due to poor health.

The researchers also found that BRI did a better job at calculating a person’s body composition than BMI. “Our findings provide compelling evidence for the application of BRI as a noninvasive and easy-to-obtain screening tool for estimation of mortality risk and identification of high-risk individuals, a novel concept that could be incorporated into public health practice pending consistent validation in other independent studies,” the authors wrote.

It’s also easy for doctors to calculate in a fast-paced medical setting. “The goal is to have something that can be used by the most number of sites,” Thomas told NBC News. “You don’t need a scan or special scale. BRI only requires a measuring tape.”

From Your Site Articles
body image
Trending Stories